My Family Is Odd
by nickaroos
Summary: This Midnight Sun alternate explores not just Edward's thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, but also Edward's shifting relationships with his family as a result of Bella arriving in Forks until the end of the first book Twilight. Midnight Sun's dialogue is also included. Many fans will also note scenes between Edward and his family not found in MS. *COMPLETE*
1. Chapter 1: Welcome to Forks

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue that comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, remains hers.**

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My family is odd. First off, there are seven of us all living together. Apart from my father Carlisle and my mother Esme, there is my sister Rosalie, my brother Emmett, my sister Alice, my brother Jasper, and myself. Then there is the fact that we're vegetarians, all of us. And you can't forget that although many things come easy to us, we don't participate in human group activities keeping to ourselves.

If that wasn't enough, there is my father. He is what you could call a pacifist. He abhors violence, is extremely compassionate, remains calm in situations that others would be flustered, always attempts to live in peace, and is annoyingly patient. He is the reason we are vegetarian. He is the reason that we are conscious about our environment and try to be conscientious about the ecosystems surrounding us. Not to mention that he also has incredible self-control. He seems expertly able to deny his basic nature and to practice self-denial effortlessly. Do you know what kind of impossible standard that is to have as a father?

I am aware that these very qualities make him an excellent doctor and generously caring, but there are moments in which I wish he would falter. Many years past, in the heat of the moment, I accused him of such things. He responded by claiming that he is not perfect. Maybe, but he's so damn close. It's a difficult shadow to live under.

For a number of years it was just Carlisle and I. Those years created a unique bond between us, one that he doesn't even share with Esme, as well as forming expectations that I placed on myself. It was I, whom after over 200 years of waiting, that he first brought into his family. It was his thoughts that I clung to, grounding me as a struggled in those first years, and it was his character that I looked up to seeing nothing but good. Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper, Alice came later, so it's different for them. They certainly respect Carlisle, but it's not the same.

Ironically, it is for the exact qualities that I admire in my father that cause me to want to slap him. On the surface there's this type of stoicism that I get. But the fact that he expresses no strong emotion except peace and love really gets under my skin. His cool calm, seemingly detached way, creates an unspoken expectation within me that I should be able to do the same. He is the standard to which I attempt to attain and continuously fail.

The most irritating part is that even when I do fall he responds with unquestioning compassion and love. Despite my failings, mistakes, and tantrums he has forgiven me over and over again. It's so incredibly infuriating I want to punch him. Unfortunately, he is so authentic in his genuine care for me that I don't. The problem is that he cares so very much that it's hard to stay mad at him. It also means that I get away with a lot, and am forgiven when I shouldn't be. To compensate I flog myself exponentially more and work harder at being worthy of my role as his son. Esme says I'm too hard on myself.

There are also ways in which Carlisle's and my relationship flows effortlessly. We share similar interests and intellectual pursues. In these conversations we are often peers, him arguing one side and me the other. It is in these moments that I often feel closest to him. He trusts me implicitly with the safety of our family, and if ever he's not there to make an executive decision, then I am placed in that role. Since Rosaline joined our family, I have unfailingly been an asset to him in this way. It is an odd dynamic. The shifting of roles sometimes leaves me feeling like I don't know where my place is with him. Yet I wouldn't my role of son to be the only aspect of our relationship.

My odd family and I moved to Forks, Washington two years ago from Alaska after we had a family meeting and weighing options. Alice and I enrolled at Forks High School as a freshman, while Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper enrolled as sophomores. School is horribly dull for all of us. Going is indescribably flavourless. Every day is the same as the one before. At least it only lasts 6 hours, and then we have the rest of the day to do as we please. It is tedious, but necessary, so we bear it without complaint.

Overall, Forks is a great place to live, all things considered. It is one of the least sunny places in the continental USA. It's a small community. There's the hospital where my father works, the police station, Newton's Olympic Outfitters, a grocery store, a drug store, a hardware store, a gas station, basically not much. It is near lots of national and state parks with plentiful wildlife. For the last two years my father has worked at the hospital, my mother has renovated and remodelled the house, which is her favourite pastime, and my siblings and I have all attended high school together. It's not a thrilling life, but we get by.

Apart from our typical sibling rivalry, our first two years in Forks were uneventful. Since our family desires a low profile, we measured these two years as successful. If I'm truly honest the events that transpired during my junior year were completely and absolutely my fault. The real problem started when Isabella Swan, daughter of Sheriff Charlie Swan, moved to Forks. I couldn't have imagined that such a shy self-conscious clumsy girl would cause such trouble, but she did. Truly, though, the trouble caused was really because she caught my attention, and for the first time ever I caused my family to be at risk. Not only did I risk the extermination of my family, but also I caused this girl to choose to die. So, all in all, it wasn't my best year.

It was a normal Forks cold misty slightly breezy day when Isabella Swan transferred from Arizona. Given Forks' size, no one had transferred to Forks High since my family had moved here. Consequently, since her father had announced that she was coming, Miss Swan had been nearly on everyone's mind. It seemed like the anticipation of the new arrival had spread like wildfire. Not that I cared, but her impending arrival was a welcomed deviation from the normal things Forks teenagers thought about. Although by the day she started, the thoughts as well as gossip were getting on my nerves. There are some things I loathe about high school. Repetitive unintelligent thoughts are certainly on the top of my list.

My sister Alice, who can see the future, had been seeing flashes of things for a few weeks now–someone she didn't know in a desert holding a cactus, someone travelling, a girl dead, and even shorter snippets that meant even less. It didn't make sense to her. She didn't know why she was receiving these images, so she kept searching the future for clues. I helped her with her attempts to decipher the images. Alice wasn't worried. She said that given time images, even unclear ones, eventually clear up and the pieces make sense. It's her gift; I never doubted this would be the case just she never doubts my gift.

As a telepath, I knew Isabella had finally arrived before I saw her in the cafeteria as almost the whole school was thinking something along the lines of "have you seen the new girl?" Sure enough, there she was sitting with some other juniors as I entered the cafeteria. On my way to stand in line for lunch, Jessica, another junior, said my name and told Isabella how gorgeous I was. This type of attention and talk was customary, so although my head made the slightest movement at the sound of my name, I walked on by as if I didn't hear her.

After going through the cafeteria line, I sat down with my siblings at our regular table, picked at my food, and pretended to eat, while we talked to each other so fast and low that no human would hear us. Jasper looked pained. He was purposefully testing himself, forcing himself to go longer without hunting, and then tempting himself by being around humans. I believed it an unnecessary process, but he seemed determined, so as per Alice's requests I kept an eye on his thoughts, and she kept an eye on his future.

We talked about what we were going to do when we got home, how our morning classes went, stupid things. All the while the general hum of a room full of people's thoughts circled around me. I listened to the pointless attempts of my siblings to distract Jasper. I tuned into Jasper's thoughts. He was watching a freshman girl who was passing us. His thoughts began to focus on the sound of her heart, on the movement of her blood through her arteries. He imagined coming up behind silently and before she could even cry out sinking his razor sharp teeth into her carotid artery, and then the sensation of satiation as her blood filled his body giving him strength. I kicked his chair. His mental image disappeared.

 _Sorry_.

I nonchalantly shook my head. It's not like I didn't have some of the same mental pictures for years. I remember the exhilarating and soothing sensation of human blood caressing my throat perfectly. This is why I keep a cold calculating distance from the blood filled vessels surrounding us. I kept my monstrous desires firmly contained. Cold calculating distance with a bit of condescendence was great medicine.

As a distraction from Jasper's just cleared head and my own dangerous thoughts, I turned my attention to the cafeteria. Jessica continued to explain our public story to Isabella. Hoping it would also distract Jasper, I mentioned that Jessica was giving the new girl all the dirty laundry about the Cullen clan.

"They're all adopted. The Hales _are_ brother and sister, twins – the blondes – and they're foster children."

While Jessica answered Isabella's questions, I puzzled as to why Jessica called the new girl Bella instead of Isabella. In an effort to both understand the name issue and to affirm for my family that this new girl would buy our story, I telepathically reached out to listen to Isabella's/Bella's thoughts. Instead there was nothing. That had never happened before. Right at this moment Isabella/Bella looked up at me and caught my gaze. Luckily she looked swiftly away. I still didn't have the answers to my questions, and she had caught me looking curiously at her. I looked away reassuring myself that I had over a hundred years of practice passing for human and our story had never raised too much suspicion before, but I was unsettled.

Emmett chuckled. "I hope she's making it good."

"Rather unimaginative. Just the barest hints of scandal. Not an ounce of horror. I'm a little disappointed," I replied.

Alice and Emmett laughed at my joke. But Jasper, who can can taste the emotions within others didn't buy it and asked me in our low fast murmur what was wrong. All my siblings stopped talking and although no one's movement changed I could tell that they were waiting for my answer.

Simultaneously Jessica told Isabella/Bella, "That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him."

Honestly, if Jessica knew that me being attracted to her would result in her death, she probably wouldn't have been so excited about trying to win me over. I had never fed on a woman, but Jessica didn't know that either. Humans are so unobservant and talented at denying their own instincts is it any wonder that we are superior to them? Sure they shy away, intuitive at some level that we are a danger to them, but they don't truly evaluate the information in front of them. That's a good thing for my family though. It allows us to pretend to be human. Nevertheless, my siblings and I have no interest in their company, so we only interact with them when absolutely necessary. Why would we otherwise? We keep to ourselves. They keep their distance. That seems to suit everyone just fine.

The new girl bite her lip attempting to hide a smile. The whole exchange was rather funny, especially as I remembered Jessica's attempts to flirt and my own images of what would happen if she actually got me alone with her. I doubted she intended to make herself into my meal. It was an amusing thought anyway. At that thought my check lifted slightly, but nothing noticeable. After what seemed like an extortionate amount of time to my siblings, in our low murmur I answered, "not here". Lost in my own thoughts about why I couldn't read the new girl Alice recommended we leave the cafeteria and find somewhere else to talk. I got up and left with them.

At a human pace we walked towards the school parking lot so that we would be far enough away from any possible listening ears. Then they all gave me a "what gives?" look. I explained the whole exchange between Jessica and the new girl, and my inability to read her. Rosalie's thoughts were resentful that there was someone whose thoughts were shielded from me, especially as the somebody in question was human. Out of everyone in our family she most resented my gift. Emmett was amused at the thought that I wasn't as much as a know-it-all as usual. Alice looked puzzled and was using her gift to see if there would be a problem. And Jasper was contemplating strategies for every possible contingency.

The warning bell rang and Alice said, "I don't see any problems right now, but it could be that no decision has been made." We agreed that was enough reassurance for us to go back to class and finish out the day. So, we all walked back towards the school with me going and sitting down in Biology.


	2. Chapter 2: The Monster Awakens

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

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In most of my classes the seat next to me was open. I am always grateful for the instinctual part of humans that sees me as a threat, stays away, and leaves me alone. As I sat at the blacktopped lab table students filed in. I always attempted to be the first to class in order to avoid bumping into someone as my skin is much colder than humans and is a sure way to attract unwanted attention.

So there I sat as I always did, waiting for the rest of the students to file in and class to begin. As the new girl walked past my table in order to get her textbook from the teacher her scent filled the space. Without warning the monster inside of me grabbed hold of me and demanded her blood. Her scent was so divine, so temping, and the monster's cry so strong it consumed me in a way that I had never experienced in my hundred and four years. If I had but known that there was a scent so divine so scrumptious, I would have spent every moment searching for it. I lost all sense of reason, all desire to maintain my pretence. There was only one thing that I wanted, that I must have at all cost, and it was merely a few feet from me. The only thought was how to best attain it.

The monster's first plan was direct. Go straight for the thing calling to be taken. Even the monster realised the disadvantages of that plan. The other blood filled vessels in the room would scream, they might try to intervene, and they might get in the way of truly enjoying such a feast. The monster's second plan meant waiting for satisfaction a bit longer, but allowed for full enjoyment of the platter being offered. This plan required killing all the other blood vessels first. It would be ideal to do it in a way that kept their blood inside them as not to taint the room with their aroma. This way this purely delectable scent could be relished in the way that it deserved to be. Many variations of this plan were devised until one was settled on that allowed the quickest avenue allowing for the least chance of blood spilled and these inconsequential blood vessels to scream.

As the plan of attack was being devised and my body prepared itself to pounce, a student closed a textbook. It shifted the air around me for just the smallest amount of time. The monster was no longer I; there was the smallest of severs between it and me.

Out of reflex of fighting the monster for so many years, I held my breath and went rigid. If in that moment I had been able to collect myself, I would have told the teacher I was sick, made some excuse, done anything to leave the room. But the monster inside of me that wanted nothing else but to sink my teeth into her, suck her dry, and damn the consequences was too strong. It took everything I had just to sit there. Since the seat next to me was the only available seat in the class, the teacher instructed this personal torment to go and sit next to me. The monster gleamed. This would be easy. She was handing herself over, inviting the monster to take her. Gleefully it watched as she sat down next to me.

I leaned away and moved my face as far away that I could while I fought with the monster inside of me. It brought up image after image of how to take her. I fought image after image with the love of my family and what it would do for all of us if I were, in this moment, to give into temptation. As the class went on, the monster came up with images of how to lure her away after class, the words to use, everything it had in its arsenal to take this blood that called to me. I rebutted with the knowledge of shame and guilt I would feel, the reminder of the lives I had taken in the past and the pain it caused me. I thought of my mother who I didn't want to let down, my father who I didn't want to disappoint, my determination to not have one more thing that Rosalie could hold over me, and the humiliation I would feel if my siblings were to see how weak this scent made me. One by one the images came, and one by one I fought them until the bell rang. If I'm honest, my inability to read her thoughts only exasperated matters. I hadn't realized how much I relied other people's thoughts to assist me in fighting the monster that dwelled within me. I was truly in my own personal hell.

As soon as the bell rung I forced myself out of the class, out of the halls, and out of school all at an irritating human pace. Away from her alluring scent it was slightly easier to resist waiting for her and luring her to her death, to fight the monster, and I did fight it all the way outside where I took a deep breath and cleared my senses of her scent. My memory of it was exact of course. I could never forget how her blood sang to me urging me to take it. This was one of the few moments when I resented humans. I was jealous of their ability to forget.

I was on my way to my car, planning to skip the last period when the assistant principal called my name. With the air free of her incurably delectable scent, the assistant principle's words brought me back to a more general assemblage of myself. I turned and with as much kindness and smoothness I had and said, "Yes?"

"Aren't you heading in the wrong direction for your next class?" she accused.

A string of profanities ran in my head and I cursed the fact that we attended such a small high school that the assistant principal would even know where my next class was. Ugh! I successfully stifled a growl and explained that I was looking for my sister Alice, but that hadn't been able to find her. The assistant principal suggested that I talk to her after school, rather briskly in my opinion. Her thoughts were nothing that might raise suspicions, although she didn't entirely buy my excuse. Oh well. So, reluctantly I went off to class with her watching me until I was in my classroom.

Given the hell I just encountered last class, and having lost my confidence in myself to keep the monster in its cage, I took a deep breath before entering the class. I hoped the teacher wouldn't call on me so that I didn't have to use my air as I sat in my regular seat. Luckily no one sat next to me in this class, and I was able to avoid being asked to respond. By the end of this period I convinced myself that the only solution was to change out of Biology and avoid this forbidden apple sent to destroy me. As soon as the bell rang I went to the office and attempted to use my persuasive abilities to change out of Biology.

Normally my charms worked. Unfortunately, for me and much to the flustering of Mrs. Cope all other science classes at that time were full and there was no possibility of switching. As I attempted to find my way around this impasse, the cold wind suddenly gusted through the room rustling the papers and swirling the scents in the room. As if the fates were ensuring the release of the monster there was that diabolical scent. My back stiffened and I turned slightly to confirm what my senses had already told me. The monster came up even stronger, but I had a fraction of a second to prepare myself.

There was only one other human this time. This was not a classroom full of children. The killing of this middle-aged woman would be done quicker than the new girl's brain could register the danger. Then so easy I would clamp down on her vein, and relish in the taste her blood that my body already knew would be incredibly delightful and immensely satisfying until my body was full of her and she empty. The venom filled my mouth, my throat burned, my muscles prepared to pounce, and the monster rejoiced at how easily it had been made anticipating what was sure to transpire next.

Since I was not yet completely overwhelmed by the monster, I had the smallest fisher between it and me. I used the fisher to fight the monster as I had done in Biology. With all my inner strength and self-will I turned deliberately back to Mrs. Cope and said, "Never mind, then. I can see that it's impossible. Thank you so much for your help."

Then I forced myself to turn, to not look at the temptation, and to disappear out the door. I forced myself step by step away from the office. I reminded myself of all the reasons to not follow the delicious scent, to not lure her to her death, and to go to my car. Once I was in the open area, I took in a breath. With non-hell air in my mouth and throat and lungs I was fairly sure I could get to my car without killing anyone. I usually drove us to school, so when I got there my siblings were waiting for me. It was only when I was at the car sliding inside that my siblings noticed my demeanour. Once I was in the car, I breathed in the air of the car filled with our family's scent– scent of those whom I loved and why I had fought the monster so vehemently. My strength renewed I continued to put the monster back in its cage. My siblings got into my Volvo and I sped away.


	3. Chapter 3: Running Away

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. The dialogue that comes from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot.  
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They all were thinking the same kind of questions, except Alice. They all wanted to know why I was so tense, so angry. I could hear them, each in their mind, making their own assumptions. It was too much to bear, especially Rosalie's internal monologue about how I wasn't mister perfect and lacked basic self-control. I couldn't speak. I held my body so tightly that they knew I was not okay. Jasper attempted to use his gift to calm me, and although I could feel the calm he was projecting, the monster mixed with the other strong emotions was too much for Jasper's aid at the setting he was using.

 _I'm sorry,_ Alice apologized, _it was too late by the time I saw it, then your future was so erratic with the different ways you were going to kill her that I couldn't keep up in order to find you._

I looked at her so that she could see that my eyes were not red. I had not killed any humans today. But she could see what I already knew—my eyes were coal black, a sure sign of the monster and my weakness.

 _You didn't kill her,_ she thought incredulously. _That explains_ then the images of all the ways Alice saw her dead assaulted me as Alice attempted to sort through the visions. _I was very confused. I didn't know how to help. I just assumed you went through with one of them. I'm sorry._

It was one thing to imagine killing her and fighting the desire. It was another to see the end result over and over in such a variety of ways. It was truly monstrous.

Guiltily, she searched the future. "You're leaving?"

"I am?"

I saw a vision of me going to the hospital, getting Carlisle's car and leaving. Yes. I could do that. I could leave. I might be weak, but I was strong enough to do that.

Even Alice didn't know how close I really came. She saw possible futures not the reality of what just happened. I wasn't about to admit my weakness or to speak of the shame I felt, especially in front of Rosalie. No one talked. In part because they had seen me destroy things before when my temper got the better of me, which, as I was driving, wasn't a good time to have me display that part of my personality, and in part because we had no secrets in our house. They knew that eventually they would be told what was wrong. That didn't stop the deafening thoughts of concern and anger bombarding me.

Then another vision, probably the future if I didn't decide to leave, with my tormenter dead in my arms, filled Alice's mind and my thoughts. "I'll miss you no matter how short you're gone," was all Alice could muster.

I dropped them off at the beginning of our drive instead of driving up to the house. As soon as they were out of the car I sped to Carlisle's work.

Before I exited the car I took a deep breath unsure of my capacity to be around humans at all. Holding my breath the whole time, I walked the path towards Carlisle's office ignoring the curious looks and said nothing until I was in front of the nurse of his department. I told her I was looking for Dr. Cullen. Fortunately he wasn't in surgery, had heard me, and came over as soon as he finished with the patient he was with. I kept my eyes on the ground unable to hide my shame. Probably due to the anguish I was sure he could read combined with shown up unexpectantly at his work, he put everything on hold, told a nurse he would be in his office, and I followed him there.

I'm not good with these types of honest heart-to-heart type of conversations. I know they are necessary, but I still find them incredibly difficult. Maybe because I'm a telepath and I usually don't have to wait for the other person to say what they're thinking. Maybe it's because of how my biological parents were and that's the way I was raised. Either way I'm no good at it. I'm embarrassed and uncomfortable. If I were human I would stumble and stutter. Instead I freeze like a statue and think a lot, maybe over think, about what to say.

Carlisle just waited patiently thinking, _What is it son?_ His whole demeanour was both comforting and loving. It irritated me. Eventually I raised my head. His gaze held nothing but compassion. He looked at my eyes both to reassure me that he was here for me, but also because I could tell he was checking. He's pretty good at masking his thoughts when he's with me, but I didn't need to be a telepath to notice the slight relaxing of his shoulders and return of breathing when he saw no red. He was relieved.

Why did everyone automatically assume I slaughtered someone? When was the last time I gave them a reason to be concerned? Before Rosalie and Emmett and Alice and Jasper. A long time ago. This fuelled my anger. This time I had to fight not the monster, no. Instead it was my emotions that felt so strong they wanted to take me over. This adolescent side of me that had so impetuously wanted to go to war, that had been … spoiled, yes I could admit that, by my first mother. I had never truly fully learned how to control its temper when it believed that it was insulted or thwarted despite my many years attempting to dispel this side of me. Like a tornado, it stirred me up sometimes without notice, but just as quickly would be gone.

All the while Carlisle waited. He knew the adolescent side of me better than I did. This is one of the greatest reasons I was honoured to call him father. He was a good mentor and teacher through the years. Gently and consistently he had shown me through love, patience, and encouragement the futility of tantrums. On rare occasions now that part of me showed its face and took me over before I could rein it in, but not today. He just waited, ignoring the pages and the telephone calls, looking at me calmly and compassionately as if nothing on this earth matter more to him than me.

The love I could feel radiating off him, the concern and curiosity in his eyes it all gave me strength to overcome my bashfulness of talking about my inner world. I started with what seemed to be the most pressing question I had at the time, making sure to speak at sub-human levels, "Has anyone's blood ever smelled better, sweeter, more enticing than the rest?"

He looked at me quizzically. The father in him was relieved to know, at least somewhat, what had me so riled up. The scientist in him found the idea of my question curious and intriguing. He responded as a father. "No, but given my work and the years I've spent abstaining I hardly notice the smell of blood anymore at all." This renewed my sense of guilt and shame. So, it was just me. I was flawed in some way. This witch conjured from my own personal hell to shame and dishonour me was made just for my own personal torment. I cannot say exactly what he saw on my face. I am sure the look of torment was there. Then probably before he even intended, his thoughts went to memories of right before I left him and Esme in rejection of his vegetarian lifestyle. Somewhere he saw similarities in my behaviour and look now to how I was then.

He threw me his keys and my spare passport. He suggested rapidly keeping to our sub-human tones that I go up to Alaska to visit our cousins, that he loved me, Esme loved me, and that our family would support whatever I needed to maintain my choice of abstaining from human blood, of remaining a vegetarian as it were. I gave him my keys and headed out the door. I heard him project his thoughts to me as I rushed away. _We love you son. Take all the time you need. Come back to us when you're ready._

I always drive fast. Nevertheless, I made it in record time, despite my stops. I stopped briefly before I crossed the border to take down some deer and quench my thirst so I wouldn't want to kill anyone at the border. I hunted again as I went further north into Canada and was away from people. By the time I crossed the border again and was in Alaska, my eyes were no longer coal black.

I knew Alice would have seen the decision to go to Alaska as soon as it was made, and would have told the rest of the family before Carlisle got home, so I didn't bother calling them. Instead, I settled into driving all the while reviewing with detailed precision all that happened today. It was once I got to our cousin's, the Denali's, house that I considered that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to come. Tanya has always had a thing for me, and politely refusing has always been delicate. Fortunately, even she left me alone the first day I was there. It might have had something to do with the brooding and "bugger off" body language I projected. They gave me one of their rooms, but I spent most the day outside far enough away that no one else's thoughts could find me.

By the time the sun rose for the second day, I began to wonder if perhaps I had overreacted. Certainly I had experienced temptation before. Right before I left Carlisle and Esme and being vegetarian I had wanted a girl's blood. She wasn't that different from my tormentor. I hadn't drunk her blood. I had resisted. No reason this time would be different. I thought about how not being able to read the new girl's mind differed from that girl from long ago. Sure, not being able read someone's thoughts hadn't happened before, but I had many long years of resisting temptation behind me since returning to Esme and Carlisle. Surely I could handle this one girl.

At one point when I was alone with Eleazar, the only male in the house, and a previous member of the Volturi guard, I asked him the same question I had posed to Carlisle. He said that he had heard stories about such a thing, a singer the legends called it because the blood sang in a way that could not be resisted, but that he believed them to be nothing more than stories. He doubted singers really existed having no personal experience with it despite his long years. He added, though, that if the stories were true, resisting such a blood might not be possible. I was confident, if not arrogant, that it was all stories. Even if the stories held an ounce of truth, I reasoned, I had beaten the monster that day and I would beat it again.

All the while, I missed my family. Esme would be upset by me leaving so suddenly, and no matter how hospitable the Denali's were it wasn't the same as my family. By the third day I was angry at this stupid girl who had all but ran me from my home and the people I loved. I felt foolish for responding so impetuously and decided to go home. I was determined to treat her like all the other high school girls I had met through the years. With stubborn determination I set my jaw and called Carlisle. He said that the family missed me and if I was able, to please come. I hunted that evening and left to return home to Forks.


	4. Chapter 4: Facing My Family

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

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As much as I wanted to go home I dreaded the idea of having to face my siblings. I hate to show any kind of weakness, especially to them. However, I knew it was inevitable, as they would expect answers. That entailed swallowing some pride. The price most difficult to pay for my behaviour would be Rosalie's chagrin.

Rosalie and I have always had a very combative relationship. It started pretty much as soon as Carlisle brought her home. I saw her laid bare on the worst day of her life and then to make it worse, according to Rosalie, I could see in her mind exactly what had been done to her. Nothing was hidden from me and she hated it. Then later when I told her that I could read her thoughts she directed her anger towards me. I tried to explain that I couldn't help it, but Rosalie didn't care. She just cared that her whole life had been ruined, she'd been turned into something she didn't want to be, and didn't even have the sanctuary of her own mind. I probably would have felt the same, so I tried to not take it personally.

Over the years I've gotten better at not responding to her thoughts and waiting for her to say something, which has improved things slightly. And she's gotten better at hiding her thoughts, which has also helped. At the end of the day, like most siblings she has this uncanny ability to get under my skin and me under hers. I have taken enough psychology classes to know that this is most likely because we have similarities. Our families, before we became siblings, were comparable. We come from similar social statuses, mine being slightly higher than hers, both of our parents simultaneously expected a lot of our futures and tended to give into our whims, and we had been accustomed to life going the way we wanted it to.

We, of course, would never admit to each other and rarely if ever to ourselves our similarities, but I couldn't help overhearing both Carlisle and Esme thinking such things time to time. I have often wondered if Rosalie would be more tempestuous if she had my gift.

I comfort myself with thanking my first parents for insisting, above all else, that I behave like a gentleman. I desperately held onto this expectation, especially when I behaved inappropriately, flogging myself for letting not just Carlisle and Esme down, but the parents who had raised me until I was seventeen. My history with Rosalie above all else reminds me of my failings to meet this internalized expectation. It rubs me raw.

Pleasantly when I got home my family's thoughts and demeanour seemed to genuinely be glad to have me home even Rosalie's. After I had settled in a bit, Carlisle asked if I was ready to talk to everyone. I wanted to say no, but honestly I would never be ready, so I took a deep breath to settle my nerves, and said, "yes". I just wanted to get it over with. We all sat at the dining room table, our usual space for family discussions, and everyone looked at me. I explained the events starting from the cafeteria when I had not been able to read the new girl's thoughts and ended with my decision to come back home.

My sibling's reactions were as if we were continuing the conversation right before I encountered my tormentor in Biology. Rosalie's thoughts were resentful that someone who was not she was able to block me out. She now added haughtiness to her tone like it pleased her that I had come so close to slipping. I fought the desire to slap the smug look off her face. Simultaneously she was furious at me and kept yelling her thoughts of _You better not screw this up. I don't want to move._ Rosalie's mix of contradictory thoughts confused me, and brought on a tense sensation in my head like my nerves were making a fist. These are the moments when I feel like I have whiplash, and I almost curse my gift.

Emmett's thoughts were something like _I'm glad I'm not the one in the hot seat_ combined with his images of his failings, my reassurances and assistances which came across to me as compassionate and empathetic. It was reassuring actually.

Jasper's thoughts were of curiosity and concern probably, since with his empathetic gift, he understood the strength the bloodlust was having on me. Also, since he was usually the one that struggled the most with staying vegetarian out of everyone in my family, he had most recently been in a similar spot. He reported that they all had listened carefully to the students while I was away and there was nothing out of the ordinary to report. Despite a few teachers and students saying that my behaviour was especially odd, they found no one who suspected anything worth us moving.

Alice exuded nothing but confidence in my ability to contain the monster. Perhaps she was trying to make up for doubting me before. She said, slightly pained, that she had attempted to see my future. Since I left, she had been looking specifically for me slipping, but other than more odd flashes and things that didn't make sense yet, it all looked fine at the moment. But it all looked fine before I went to Biology, before it went pear shaped. I appreciated her cheerleading me nonetheless.

Esme's thoughts were awash with concern for me and seemed to have little to no reaction to the specifics of my report. Carlisle thoughts were curious, a scientist attempting to discover the answer to two riddles: not being able to read someone's thoughts and the unusual strength of the scent of her blood. Regarding my gift not working on this girl, he mentally went through possibilities and when none seemed to fit he concluded, _nothing substantial yet_.

Looking around the room a consensus seemed to be reached. Although it was odd that I couldn't read the new girl's thoughts, it seemed to pose no danger to the family and thus wasn't something to worry about. Her mental muteness annoyed me and made me deeply curious, but even I had to agree that it was a minor point, especially in light of the bloodlust.

I struggled to articulate the part about that delectable scent and my reaction to it. To ease my discomfort I attempted to describe it as detached as possible and left out the most humiliating parts. Through this part of my telling Esme and Carlisle responded exactly as I expected with love and compassion, which increased my sense of shame. Jasper gave me a look and then projected a memory where I had told him, after one of his slips, that he couldn't fix the past, only learn from it, and that he would do better next time. I nodded my head and smiled slightly at him. His memory eased my guilt. Yes, I reminded myself, exactly. It's in the past. Take my own advice. Learn from it and move on.

I explained that I had already attempted to change science classes with no luck. Carlisle offered to get me excused, but since that would stop me from graduating on time, I declined. I told them what Eleazar had said about the stories of a singer and asked my family the same question I had asked Carlisle and Eleazar. Emmett said that he had twice experienced someone's blood that smelled particularly good. He hadn't been able to resist, but he admitted that might have been because he was a newborn. He then clarified that neither scents seemed to be at the scale I was describing anyway. Then he looked at his hands. I know he feels bad about his slips, and I felt bad that the conversation had caused him to mention it. I thanked him and said it helped, which seemed to cheer him up. Like a mantra I thanked the heavens for Emmett and envied his capacity to let things go so easily.

Then the conversation ran into whether the stories Eleazar mentioned were true, what they could mean, and if they had anything to do with my situation. In the end it was all speculation. After a while Jasper cleared his throat and asked what our options were to respond to this problem. I often appreciate how he gets right to the point. After the need to confess my weakness regarding this human girl, this was the part I was most dreading. I'm sure Jasper felt both my appreciation and trepidation.

"We could move", suggested Esme, looking overly concerned about me. No one really liked that idea, but Rosalie made the most fuss. She pointed out that we had only been in Forks a year and a half, I hadn't actually done anything yet, no one suspected anything thus far, there was no reason to move, and then she made a little humph noise that might have been endearing if it weren't for the glaring look she gave me. I already felt guilty. It was like she had the capacity to drag my inner turmoil into public, and then boast about it.

Instead of growling at her, I reminded myself that I had almost failed, and I was due a public flogging. It wasn't her fault that she couldn't help rubbing my nose in it. I added haughtily to myself, _You're fine. The girl's fine. No one's dead._ I thought about reminding Rosalie how often we moved because of her mate Emmett, but I really did not want to fight with her, so I kept my mouth shut. I would take my flogging and whatever decision the family made. I looked down at the table deploringly. Jasper voiced the option of killing the new girl in a way that no one would suspect us. I felt a constriction in my chest that I had no recollection of ever having prior in my long life. Whatever that feeling was I dismissed it.

Carlisle looked the most upset about that idea. "I'd really rather not kill someone unless we have no other option." No one really relished the idea anyway, but Jasper was, if nothing else, pragmatic. That really just left the third option, which everyone knew, but no one wanted to say.

"I guess that means that I'll just have to bear through it then," pointing out the obvious.

Everyone looked at Alice. We did this almost as a reflex now. Whenever the future is uncertain, we collectively turn to her. She said that she saw me with almost honey eyes on Monday and no blood or mayhem. That seemed to reassure everyone, including myself, if I'm honest. As safe as we could be, we went with the last plan, the one where they trusted me with their lives. I had often given the same to them, but it felt different with me being the weakest link. It felt oppressive and ominous. Of course, right then Jasper looked at me with a knowing expression. I looked down with complete understanding.

Then I caught the first part, "Honey, huh?"

We all knew what that meant: lots of hunting, including right before school on Monday, and logically every school day. I hadn't had to hunt that much since I was a newborn and I resented it.

"Alright," I relented. I remembered my promise to myself that one high school human was not going to stop me from being in my home. If that is what it took, then so be it. I squared my shoulders and locked my jaw and said, "Okay. Who's going hunting with me?"

The tension left the room, Emmett looked excited. He always enjoys hunting. He looked at Rosalie, and then said, "I'm in. Anyone else?" Jasper looked at his mate Alice, and then said, "We'll go too." The four of us went out hunting. I drank till I couldn't imagine having more, with everyone else taking what they needed. I felt like a glutton.

Despite the tension earlier, they never mentioned it again, and it seemed for those moments as if it had never happened. This is why I returned to my family, for their love and support. I was comforted simply by their presence. I am lucky to have them. We eventually turned and went home.

We all slipped into our regular activities then. I played the piano as I had missed playing it while I was away. Alice and Jasper were on the sofa lounging talking in such hushed voices that I couldn't hear. Of course I could have read their thoughts if I had focused on them, but I try not to do that. If they wanted privacy, I would give it to them the best I could. Carlisle was in his study reading some medical journals. Esme was painting. Rosalie and Emmett were in their bedroom getting reacquainted with each other. I tried to block out the noise and mental pictures of Rosalie and Emmett by focusing on the music. Playing was one of the few times when everything faded, my thoughts, their thoughts, the activities of the house, everything but the music. The music consumed me, comforted me, expressed who I was in that moment, and silenced the rest. It was the closest I got to being in a state of rest.

The rest of the weekend was wondrously uneventful. Early Monday morning I went hunting with Alice just to make sure I wasn't thirty. Alice didn't take down anything, but just kept me company. On our way back I asked her if she was absolutely positive that today would be okay, and she said, "as sure as I can be." That was sure enough for me, and so with arrogant determination I faced the day.

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 _I want to thank staringatthesky for giving me permission to give her props here for her amazing insight into Rosalie, which helped me write how Edward might see her throughout this rewrite. As this chapter introduces Rosalie more fully I felt this was the most appropriate place to do so publicly._


	5. Chapter 5: Back to School

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

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The morning at school was uneventful. No one asked why I hadn't been there. I handed my note from my parents to each teacher and sat through each class. They ignored me, and I ignored them. I listened into the thoughts from those around me as a distraction from the reality of why I had been gone. I noticed that less people were thinking about Bella Swan in comparison to before she arrived, but some more fervently. This was to be expected as Bella made friends, and it was most definitely Bella. No one thought Isabella. Mostly the guys who were thinking about her imagined kiss her or other more lewd things, while the girls mentally commented on her clothes, hair, and how she was the favourite new interest of the boys. I concluded on my way to lunch that it was all typical stuff for the first week after a new person moves to a small town.

Since for me Bella was nothing more than my own personal tormenter, I found myself curiously wondering what these human boys saw in her. She was also human after all. I began paying attention to the junior students' thoughts more than I ever had before. It seemed that my siblings were right: there was no need for concern as far as our story goes. I relaxed a bit and tried to remind myself of Alice's reassurances.

The five of us were already seated at our table in the cafeteria when Bella walked in. They had put me in the middle, even though I usually sat at the edge. A part of me appreciated their concern, while I was also irritated by it. Once again Jasper and I locked eyes with a knowing understanding passing between us. I told myself that once I had this Bella problem under control and everything went back to normal that I would not treat Jasper the way I was being treated. What a way to understand someone better! Despite the circumstances, I appreciated the common bond we were now sharing.

The air moved in such a way that brought the tiniest waffle of Bella's scent towards me. Even from this distance surrounded by my sibling and with the combined smells of the cafeteria it was tasty, but not nearly as earth shattering as I remembered. See, I had gotten myself worked up over nothing. I hadn't expected it last time. Now that I knew, there would not be a problem.

I heard Jessica say, "Bella, what are you staring at?" Curious at the answer myself I turned. Our eyes met and immediately Bella dropped her eyes hiding behind her hair. Still no thoughts came from her. Peculiar.

I kept focusing on Bella attempting to pick up something until I heard Jessica say, "he's still staring at you", so I turned back to my siblings. Rosalie heard it too, of course, and glared at me. I murmured back that I was fine, and that I had just checked if Bella was still mentally mute. Rosalie went to say something, but Alice put her hand on Rosalie's knee and ever so slightly shook her head no. Rosalie leaned back and much to my relief let it go. I was wound so tight that I really didn't need Rosalie's comments.

"He doesn't look angry does he?" I heard Bella whisper to Jessica.

So, she had noticed my behaviour last time. I realised that since my siblings had reported that she never said anything, I had been secretly hoping that she hadn't noticed. Now I knew that she had, but apparently never said anything. Perhaps during the next class I could earn back my family's faith in me by rectify the poor impression I had obviously given her and even change her opinion of me.

"I … _think_ it's okay," Alice said hesitancy in our sub-human hearing murmur. "You're mind is set. I _think_ you'll make it through the hour."

But Alice knew how quickly a mind could change.

"Why push it, Edward?" Jasper asked with his thoughts portraying just the smallest amount of enjoyment that he wasn't the focus of this conversation. "Go home. Take it slow." How many times had I told him that he didn't need to push things?

"What's the big deal?" Emmett added. "Either he'll kill her or he won't. Might as well get it over with, either way."

"I don't want to move yet," Rosalie complained. "I don't want to start over. We're almost out of high school, Emmett. _Finally._ "

I didn't want to let them down. I didn't want to be the weakest link. I had not killed her last time, and I wasn't prepared. This time I was prepared. I would set things right. I _wasn't_ going to be the reason we had to move. I never had been and this mentally mute girl wasn't going to change that.

"No, Rose, I think it really will be okay," Alice said. "It's … firming up. I'm ninety-three percent sure that nothing bad will happen if he goes to class." She looked at me curiously wondering what had made the future more secure.

I thought I'd try a different tact for Biology. I came in just before the bell rang to minimize the time next to my torturer as much as I could. I had taken a deep breath on my way over. I prepared myself for the onslaught. She was already at the table staring at her book doodling when I came in. She continued in this manner even when I sat down in my chair. I purposely moved the chair so that it would make noise like the other students did, which I hoped would also alert her to my presence. If it did, I couldn't tell, so I thought I'd try something different.

I wanted to give her a good impression, to avoid the possibility of her changing her mind regarding gossiping about how I behaved last time, and if that was not possible, at least to give her a more human-like experience of me. More than anything, I needed to make sure nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and to clean up any mess I might have made. I had moved the chair as far away from her as possible, in order to reduce the potency of her scent, but angled towards her. Since the chair movement didn't seem to get her attention and I wanted to make sure I had accomplished my goal before the end of class, I decided to try something more direct.

I turned to her. "Hello. My name is Edward Cullen. I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Bella Swan." That seemed polite and an appropriate human greeting. She looked confused. I wasn't sure what there was to be confused about. Confusion was a better outcome than fear for determining what this girl thought and what she had said, I reasoned.

I berating myself for relying on my telepathy so much that I was not as skilled in reading human faces as my siblings, while I kept the calm reassuring face that allows us to move through the human world. I checked my facial expression against what I have observed on Carlisle's face when he attempts to gain a human's trust and made the minor adjustments.

"H-how do you know my name?" Bella asked. I laughed softly trying to sound pleasantly amused. It seemed obvious that everyone knew who she was. Maybe she was dim witted?

"Oh, I think everyone knows your name. The whole town's been waiting for you to arrive." I said. It seemed like an obvious statement given the size of the town and that her father is the sheriff. I'm not sure what expression I expected, but she grimaced. Suddenly, I ran through what I said and how I had said it trying to ascertain how the words I had just used matched a grimace. Although frustrated with myself and confused at this conversation, I maintained my calm reassuring face.

Sometimes I envy humans and the limited space in their heads. The ability to think multiple things at once and have perfect recall not to mention my telepathy has meant in the past that I did not responded to what someone said in the moment. I checked. I hadn't done that. Now I was confused, and, significantly more problematic, I was out of breath. I prepared myself for the onslaught. I took a breath through my teeth hoping to reduce the flavour as much as possible. It didn't help. The drowning allure hit me as intensely as it had the last time. This time I was prepared for it; I kept my decision from lunch firmly in front of me; I keep the monster in its cage.

"No. I meant why did you call me Bella?" she asked.

Oh man, I blew it. I had picked up 'Bella' from other people thinking 'Bella' and hearing them say 'Bella' from across the room, none of which is normal human stuff. That still didn't match the grimace though. Man, this girl was confusing. I ran through all the ways a human could have known that she preferred Bella. None of them were likely given the distance I kept from humans. Out of reasonable explanations, I decided to go with a different tactic.

"Do you prefer Isabella?" Hopefully this question would allow her to realise that I was attempting to defer to her preferences, ones that she'd mentioned to others and not me, but still. I paid more attention this time to her reaction determined not to make a similar gaffe.

"No, I like Bella. But I think Charlie—I mean my dad—must call me Isabella behind my back—that's what everyone here seems to know me as."

She paused like she had explained, and now I was supposed to explain. But I didn't know what to say. I couldn't very well say that I used my super-hearing to human standards or my telepathy. I couldn't think of one thing that would explain why I knew her name was Bella, so I just said "Oh" and let it drop.

Thankfully Mr. Banner started class at that moment. As partners we had to separate the slides into the phases of mitosis they represented and label them accordingly. I had done this exercise so many times, not to mention that I could see what was on the slides without the microscope.

"Ladies first, partner?" I asked with a rueful smile, hoping that being courteous might leave a lasting impression and allow her to forget my misstep. She seemed to freeze and as I couldn't read her mind, I didn't have any idea of what to do now. Maybe she was too nervous about the assignment.

"Or I could start, if you wish," I said. Maybe this was the courteous thing to do–save her face. I lost the smile. I couldn't keep it as her being stationary started to make me nervous. I told myself to ask Jasper, since he's empathic, or if he didn't know, Dad, about human faces and responses. Then I thought, since Bella is a girl, maybe Alice or Rosalie or even my mom could be of help. I really hated admitting I don't know something to Rosalie, so that was out. Then there was the whole problem of everyone in my family being able to hear everything in our house, which meant I'd have to talk about it with whomever went hunting with me. And just like that my life seemed complicated in a way that I'd never experienced before. I wondered, like a quick flash across my brain, if this was a part of why Rosalie hates my telepathy. While all this was going on in my head, Bella had already responded.

She flushed and said, "No. I'll go ahead."

Her flush made the temptation of taking her slightly worse. The hunting certainly helped. The monster was absolutely there, and it certainly still yearned for her blood. The scent was just as strong and alluring as it had been last time, but I was stronger. I _had_ just made a fuss over an insignificant human high school girl. My confidence was restored and my honour was back intact. This was why I never bet against Alice.

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Added note: _The credit for the concept that Edward would have been able to see what was on the slides without the microscope goes to blondie AKA robin in her story first light here in FanFiction.  
_


	6. Chapter 6: Interphase

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

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She studied the slide briefly, for a human, and stated, "Prophase".

I was irritated at how tempting she made herself, so I asked, "Do you mind if I look?" with doubt coating my words.

I went to grab the microscope. As I did, our hands touched, and it was as if an electric current passed through my hand and up my arm.

"I'm sorry," I muttered and pulled my hand back immediately.

So much for presenting myself as human, I thought despondently. Certainly she felt the coldness of my hand. If only I could read her mind! Ugh! So irritating. Not to mention that I have no idea what that shock is about. I hope that she wrote my weirdness, including my temperature, off. Perhaps she'd assume that I was sick or something like most people do. I had just been out a few days after all. Most grievous is that I have no way to know for sure what her reaction was. How do my siblings manage? Surely they don't just go through their days hoping for the best.

I sensed my world spinning more out of control with every passing second. With even more care, focus, and control, I grabbed the microscope and examined the slide briefly.

"Prophase" I said.

I wrote prophase in the first space in our worksheet. I switched out the slides and looked into the microscope willing myself to focus solely on this moment, on each movement.

"Anaphase", I said softly mostly to myself, and wrote it down in the second space.

"May I?" she asked with this voice that sounded indifferent but had a slight edge to it.

I wondered if I could compare human vocals to my sisters, and if I could, what might that edge signify? I was now wondering if not paying attention to humans had been such a great idea after all. Either way it seemed incorrigible that this girl wanted to check my work. I tried to keep a straight face, but a small smirk came out anyway. She looked through the eyepiece and dropped her shoulders like she was disappointed that I was right or something. It was a curious action.

"Slide three," she said to me without looking and held out her hand.

With great focus, very carefully this time, I handed it to her without our skin touching. I figured one touch she might write off, but twice would raise too many suspicions. Not to mention that current sensation might happen again.

She looked at the slide once and then said, "Interphase".

She passed me the microscope before I could say anything. I looked and agreed, so I wrote it down in the third space.

We went on like this until we finished the assignment. Unfortunately, that meant that we were done before the period ended leaving time and nothing to do. I looked in her direction and attempted to read her thoughts again, but with no luck, which just frustrated me even more. Between her scent and my emotional state I needed to calm down. I didn't wish to take a breath with her there, so talking was out of the question. Instead I looked down at the table taking in the details of her hands hoping this would distract me, as it was something new thing at our table.

Suddenly she blurted out, "Did you get contacts?"

I tried to imagine why she would ask such a question. My eyesight was far superior to hers. I certainly didn't need to improve it. I tried to imagine their colour right now based on my thirst level. They would certainly not have been honey, but I wouldn't imagine that they were coal black either. No, they shouldn't be any monstrous colour. Not that humans ever paid enough attention to notice. Their instincts told them to avoid eye contact with me and for good reason. What was wrong with her? She was still waiting for an answer.

I was not sure what the appropriate human response was or really what she was getting at, so I went with the truth, "No".

I had never realized till that moment how much I took my telepathy for granted. I didn't know how to interact without being able to read someone's mind. Her mental muteness made me incredibly uncomfortable.

"Oh", she said in a way that was slightly glum, "I thought there was something different about your eyes."

Third mistake. How was it possible that she had noticed the different colours of my eyes? If I had known she had, I could have explained. Now I can't. If only I could read her mind, I could have avoided this. Again, not knowing what to say and how to get out of the corner I had been backed into, I just shrugged. Shrugging seemed like a perfectly human response.

I could feel the monster rising. I wondered if my frustration and irritation was fuelling it. I was not really sure. I did know that my desire to take her somewhere and drink her dry was beginning to overcome me. Maybe if I looked away she would get the hint and stop talking to me so that I could get out of here as quickly as possible when the bell rang.

At that moment Mr. Banner came over to our table to inspect our work. I took in a small sampling of the air that theoretically had less of Bella Swan's delectable scent in it, hoping Mr. Banner's scent would mask it in some way. Complete fail.

"So, Edward, didn't you think Isabella should get a chance with the microscope?"

Great! First she thinks that I don't know what I'm looking at even though I've been to pre-med twice, and now he thinks I did her work for her. High school!

"Bella," I said without really thinking. Then I tried to calm myself so that my voice had none of the irritation I was feeling in the moment. "Actually, she identified three of the five."

He turned to her and asked, "Have you done this lab before?"

"Not with onion root." Her voice sounded bashful and embarrassed.

"Whitefish blastula?" he asked.

"Yeah," I heard her reply.

He nodded then asked, "Were you in an advanced placement program in Phoenix?"

"Yes."

Certainly that explained her ability to do the work quickly. It also meant that she was not dim witted after all. I just had to pay more attention.

She's just an enigma, but solvable, I reassured myself.

Making sure I had betrayed nothing, despite not being able to read her mind, seemed possible all of a sudden. My family did it all the time. Although some assistance from my family would expedite things, I reminded myself, trying to be reasonable and not let my pride get the better of me.

"Well," he said after a minute, "I guess it's good you two are lab partners."

He mumbled incoherently about student capacities, budgets, and financial constraints as he walked away.

We sat there.

I was really not sure how my attempts to give her a good impression were going. Given my abrupt ending to our last attempt at a conversation, I'd have to guess at not great. I thought about a bunch of different topics and eliminated everything that might lead into tricky waters. I remembered hearing her talk to Jessica about the snow and decided to try that.

I looked away slightly taking in another as Bella scent-free gasp of air that I could, and said, "It's too bad about the snow, isn't it?"

"Not really" she answered.

What kind of answer is that? That's not how she answered Jessica. I'm not sure if she's lying to me, lied to Jessica, or just trying to be polite. I ask myself again how my siblings manage humans.

Eventually I said, "You don't like the cold", since this seemed to be what she had conveyed to Jessica and I couldn't see how me saying that might give me away.

"Or the wet," she said in response.

What? Why on earth would someone who doesn't like the cold or wet move to the wettest most overcast town in the USA? There must be a conspiracy somewhere against me. Why did she have to move here, then?

Deciding that a statement went well last time, and questions had led to trouble, I decided to try that again.

Reasoning that she must miss Arizona, I said with thoughtfulness and slight surprise in my voice, "Forks must be a difficult place for you to live."

"You have no idea," she muttered softly and very deeply as if she had just spoken some hidden secret.

I have to admit that caught my attention. So few things in life surprise me anymore and this baffled me. Usually humans are quite predictable. What on earth could this girl be trying to hide? Why would she move from a place that is sunny, dry, and warm to a rainy, overcast, usually chilly place when she didn't like the wet or cold? There was no logic or reason that I could see, yet the exercise we did today showed that she had at least a moderate level of intelligence. What on earth could she be talking about?

For the briefest of moments my curiosity calmed my frustration and irritation. It even quieted the monster just the smallest of bits.

With chastisement I reminded myself of how just minutes before more information had made things that were confusing clearer and that frustration and irritation were not helpful right now. I hadn't I realised till that moment how much ignoring humans had help me not be irritated and frustrated by them. If ignoring Bella wasn't going to be possible during Biology, then how would to cope? I had no answers. I was not accustomed to being ignorant. I felt extremely and unequivocally uncomfortable. I moved forward with the only reasonable course of action: solve the enigma no matter the discomfort to myself.

"Why did you come here, then?" I asked with mostly curiosity but the hint of frustration still in my voice.

I wondered if curiosity helped Carlisle overcome the temptation of feeding at the hospital when surrounded by so much blood. I noted to ask him about that some time.

"It's … complicated," she answered.

What kind of answer is that? I wondered.

I searched my memory for other instances when I had heard that answer and compared it to the thoughts that person had to determine what she might be communicating. My conclusion, tentative at best, was that she was hinting that she didn't want to talk about it. Uhhh! Well why not? I felt how my rising frustration was making it harder to fight the monster. I forced myself to focus on the sensation of curiosity, which did help. I pressed her.

"I think I can keep up." Frustration had seeped into my voice.

Since obviously I'm not an idiot. Did she think I was an idiot? Mean, perhaps? Dangerous, yes. Rude, very possibly. Was I letting things slip? Was I decreasing the display of my intelligence to such a degree that I appeared obtuse? Get a grip, I told myself.

Once again I was awestruck on how my siblings managed their interactions with humans without being telepathic. I said nothing and just looked at her hoping that my gaze would pull the truth out of her.


	7. Chapter 7: Near Accidents

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

Eventually she looked into my eyes and spoke as if the words were spilling out without thought, "My mother got remarried."

Okay. I recalled everything I knew about human divorces, custody arrangements, and human parenting. Honestly it wasn't much, but the logical conclusion since she was here with her dad was that her mother, … or perhaps the new father? … sent her away.

While I contemplated the possibilities I said sympathetically, "That doesn't sound so complex. When did that happen?"

The sympathy in my voice confused me. Was I sympathetic? I searched myself. I suppose I was. I knew the challenges that can arise from new family members being added. Why was I being sympathetic? To that question, I did not have an answer. Through the years I attempted to always be courteous to the humans around me, but sympathetic? No. This was new and curious and odd.

"Last September," she responded sadly.

The sadness in her voice must have meant that I was on the right track. I felt some of my internal tension release. See, I can have a civil conversation with this girl and leave a good impression _._ Then any problem or concern I might have caused last time would be gone.

The stepfather being the problem seemed the more likely of the two possibilities that I had considered. "And you don't like him," I said as if that concluded the conversation.

"No, Phil is fine. Too young, maybe, but nice enough," she retorted.

I thought about following up to ask about the mother, but stopped myself realizing, before I spoke that line of reasoning, that it might have seemed too forceful for human conversation. So I thought about how to quench my curiosity in a more subtle way.

I settled on, "Why didn't you stay with them?"

"Phil travels a lot. He plays ball for a living," she answered while she smiled slightly.

Okay this was making more sense. It was not that she didn't like him or he her, simply that he travelled too much for her needs. The smile did seem to match her words though.

I wondered if he would be someone my brothers or I would know, so I asked her, "Have I heard of him?" smiling back, slightly relieved that we seemed to be avoiding landmines and my goal of a good impression seemed to be working.

I went through my mental list of all the ballplayers I knew of whose first name was Phil or Philip attempting to gain a better understanding of this man who had caused this girl to move to a place she didn't like.

"Probably not. He doesn't play _well_. Strictly minor league. He moves around a lot," she answered.

Okay. Frustrating. Guess I wouldn't have heard at him. That was not helpful. So if it was just the stepfather's job, and they were newly married, then … I stated what seemed to be the obvious conclusion, "And your mother sent you here so that she could travel with him."

She raised her chin a fraction as if gathering herself and stated emphatically, "No, she did not send me here. I sent myself."

See. And then I was confused again. How did a seventeen-year-old human girl send herself somewhere? If she didn't like the rain or the cold why would she move herself to Forks from Arizona? My eyebrows knitted together in confusion. I did not understand this girl and unsure about what else to say I admitted, "I don't understand."

When was the last time I didn't understand something let alone admit to it? When was the last time something was novel? My frustration was beginning to overwhelm my curiosity now. I sat looking at her curiously trying to figure her out and what she was saying in this strange conversation.

"She stayed with me at first, but she missed him. It made her unhappy … so I decided it was time to spend some quality time with Charlie," she explained sounding glum.

So she didn't want to move, but did because being there was making her mother unhappy? I think that was it, but what an odd thing to decide to do at her age.

"But now you're unhappy," I pointed out. Stating the obvious.

"And?" she challenged back.

"That doesn't seem fair," I stated.

I tried to imagine if I was in this girl's shoes if I would have made a similar decision. I concluded that I probably would not, as I am too selfish to do such a thing, which is probably one of the biggest differences between Carlisle and I. He is, in contrast, usually unselfish. The most selfish thing he has done in his life was to change Esme, Rosalie, and myself. I, on the other hand, stay with my family selfishly. Most of what I do, including protecting my family, if I'm honest, is selfish. Great! I was perfectly happy without that self-realization. Now I know one more way that I have failed to meet my father's standards. Especially irritating was the realization that this young insignificant girl shares more in common with Carlisle's character than I. And for the briefest of moments I wondered if Carlisle was as self-less before his change as Bella. I would imagine so.

She laughed dryly, which caught my attention as it surprised me, and said, "Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair."

I thought about my own existence. "I believe I have heard that somewhere before" was all that I could manage to say ruminating.

"So that's all" she said as if that ended the conversation.

I was still looking at her intently, attempting to piece together what she had just said, but also wanting to understand the message hidden underneath the words, the subcontext that I usually heard through telepathy. Instead, I wasn't sure if my conjecture was anywhere close. Relying instead on my intellectual capacity I stated somewhat slowly, so I could have time to analyse her reactions, and focused on her face. "You put on a good show, but I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."

She responded with a grimace and then looked away. What kind of answer was that? That didn't confirm my hypothesis or reject it, so I decided to ask her straight out, "Am I wrong?"

No answer, which confirmed to me that my hypothesis was right. How interesting.

"I didn't think so," I stated softly but confidently and perhaps a bit smugly, lost in my thoughts. Maybe I wasn't as awful at reading humans without my telepathy as I first thought.

Abruptly she said irritatingly, while watching the teacher as if she wasn't really talking to me, which was all a bit strange, as most humans prefer to look at the person they're talking to, "Why does it matter to _you_?"

Well, that was a good question. Why _did_ it matter to me? Had my quest to dispel any questions and ill will she harboured turned into something more? Certainly curiosity, but did I care? Did her state of being matter to me at all? Lost in my thoughts I mumbled to myself, "That's a very good question."

After a few seconds of silence, as I pondered her question, she made this rather emphatic sigh as she scowled at the blackboard. It was as if my attempt at dispelling any ill will was irritating her. Did she prefer the first impression I gave her? Who would prefer a monster? That seemed highly unlikely. Hum. What an interesting creature.

"Am I annoying you?" I asked slightly amused by this turn.

She took her eyes off the blackboard and glanced at me then stated, "Not exactly. I'm more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read—my mother always calls me her open book," and then she frowned.

So, she was not annoyed at the conversation or at me? She was annoyed with herself, assuming, of course, that she was telling the truth. More than that, she was annoyed that my hypothesis was accurate, but not at me. No, instead she was annoyed at her own face because she assumed that she was readable. Wow! How did she keep that straight in her head?

I felt the need to alleviate her assumption that I had read her easily. Attempting to be gentle and earnest I said, "On the contrary, I find you very difficult to read."

"You must be a good reader then," she replied immediately.

"Usually," was my answer. I smiled at my own ironic joke. The one person I could not telepathically read thought I was a good reader. That must be one of the most ironic statements ever.

Mr. Banner called the class to order, and with my curiosity sufficiently satisfied I found the monster rearing its head even stronger than when class started. I reasoned that this was probably because when my curiosity had distracted me from the monster I hadn't been paying as much attention to contain it as I should have. The scent of her in my lungs was hard to ignore. It didn't take me over, but still I had to lean away from her and grip the edge of the table to remind myself of where I was and who I was rather than whom the monster wanted me to be. Unfortunately, my grip took out some of the corrugated wood in perfect finger holes. Destroying evidence of non-human abilities was one of the first rules of my family, so I worked at changing the composition of the holes, so no one could guess it was my grasp. I left as quickly as allowed when the bell rang.

I gave myself enough time to get some fresh air, before going to my next class. One more period surrounded by humans to endure, and then I could leave. As I counted the minutes, the period seemed to go extraordinarily slow. I kept going over my conversation with Bella in my head. At the end of the period I still hadn't made heads or tails of it.

I was at my Volvo leaning against it, waiting for my siblings, enjoying having only slightly human scented air to breathe when I watched Bella cross the parking lot. She got into her truck's cab startling herself at the loud sound of the engine–the volume of her engine was not surprising given the age of her truck–put down the hood of her coat, and fluffed her hair. She looked in my direction, and appeared to have noticed me watching her. She put the truck into reverse and gassed it, almost hitting a rusty Toyota Corolla. Fortunately, she stomped on the breaks before there was contact. She then tried a second time, being very timid as if she were a danger to society. This time she successfully exited without any near accidents.

I tried to conceal my laughter, but I don't think I did a great job of it. This girl whose driving capacity caused her to behave as if _she_ were the danger to society was the reason I ran away from home! How ridiculous! I was the danger here.

Twice now I had beaten back the monster. In that moment I was glad I came back. Most importantly, today's Biology class was easier than the last. It was bound to just get easier from here. I was well on my way to convincing myself. The plan would work; I could see that now. I would just hunt more as a precaution. Now that I knew what to expect it _will_ be fine. Her scent was especially strong, but I was stronger. The monster would not win.


	8. Chapter 8: On the Precipice to Hell

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All the dialogue that comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, remains hers.**

 **The reference to events in 1950 is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction. She has generously permitted me to write as if it were a part of cannon. I have done so up until her Chapter 39, which is as much as she had written when I started scratching out the framework for this story.**

* * *

We all got in the Volvo. As was customary I manoeuvred out of the parking spot seamlessly and zipped home. As soon as we were off school grounds Emmett laughing lightly and in his joking manner teased, "Another day with no dead girls, huh?" Then he winked.

Internally I winced, reminded of how close I came just days ago. I knew his joke was intended to ease tension, not piss me off. I feigned nonchalance and replied, "Yup. No dead girls, but there's always tomorrow."

Rosalie rolled her eyes, but relief was also present.

I hated that they were all just, metaphorically speaking, holding their breaths waiting for me to screw up.

Jasper and Alice were in the back holding hands communicating with their eyes. My words didn't fool Jasper. His thoughts were a combination of sorting out my feelings into names and the exercises he did to modulate them, which was made necessary from the intensity of my feelings united with my inability to self-regulate. Consequently, Alice was grounding him, which sped up Jasper's process and helped stop him from bleeding my feelings onto everyone else in the car. Jasper had agreed shortly after joining our family that he would use his gift on us when it was strategically necessary, and this wasn't strickly one of those moments. I appreciated his aid nonetheless, but regretted the discomfort I was causing him.

Jasper's gift is physical. He feels the emotional temperature of those around him. He can absorb an emotion or multiple emotions into himself as if drawing it out of the other changing the chemistry in both his physical being and whomever he's drawing from. He can also take an emotion he's feeling and send it towards someone else. These principles apply to small and large groups as well. Jasper told me once that the larger the group the more primal the emotion needs to be. I'm not sure how to differentiate primal from non-primal emotions, but I trust Jasper. Either way, Jasper's gift has very little of a mental component. It's only if he's intentionally using his gift or like right now trying to not use his gift that I can pick it up in his thoughts. Even then, emotions that he's very practised with like tranquillity barely register mentally.

I looked in the rear-view mirror right at Jasper. "I'm sorry, man. I'm working on it."

Jasper responded in his southern drawl, "I can tell." That was enough to relieve my conscience.

He would not want to be around me tonight. I crossed him off my list. Alice would be with him, so that left her out. Even if Rosalie would be helpful, I couldn't bear to admit my weaknesses to her. And Emmett has eyes for no one but Rosalie, so I doubted he would be much help. That left Esme and Carlisle. Carlisle was at the hospital.

I hesitated to ask Esme because she's such a hopeless romantic. She wanted to give me what she has with Carlisle. It irritated me that she refused to see that I was content as I was. More than once I considered asking Esme to stop her attempts of pairing me. Then there was the fact that even though I had managed to not kill this insignificant girl today, the girl's presence was causing me to change my patterns, and it pissed me off. I didn't like being pissed off around Esme. Her mothering ways, when I have acted out, have made me feel childish, and that was a feeling I was all about avoiding.

As we went into the house, Jasper and Alice went to their room, Emmett and Rosalie went to the living room, while I went and found Esme. Despite my qualms, I was not going to let this girl continue to cause me to feel lost, confused, and inadequate. I would just have to mind my temper with Esme and hope that she didn't twist events into something romantic. Ultimately, a conversation with Esme would be far less painful than having to endure another Biology-type conversation.

As soon as I found Esme, I couldn't help but glance at the floor while I swallowed my pride. "Will you come with me to hunt?"

A look of concern quickly flashed across her face, but just as quickly was replaced with neutrality. "Sure, Edward. Do you want to go now?"

None of my siblings' thoughts contained surprise or disapproval by the fact that I was hunting again and had asked Esme to join me. That was a small relief.

I knew it would be less conspicuous to hunt after twilight, but with everything going on in my head and everything that had happened today I didn't know if I could withstand the mental noise of my family. I really didn't want to make things worse with them, so despite the timing I kept my head down and said, "Yes, if that works for you."

"No problem. Let me mark where I am at in this project." Ten seconds later she stood up and said, "Ready."

In those ten seconds I replayed much of my circular thoughts and begin to scowl.

"Thanks." But it came out more forlorn and agitated than I meant it and instantly Esme's thoughts were full of concern.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. However, since I had no better idea, and didn't know how to back out now, I headed out with her trailing behind.

As I started running I concentrated on the hunt. Considering briefly if I wanted to find a carnivore or just settle for deer, I concluded that a carnivore might help calm my nerves, so I searched out with my senses. Finding a bobcat trail, I let my instincts guide me. I could hear Esme following but not closely. Pouncing on the bobcat and sinking my razor sharp teeth into its jugular allowed the sweet taste of blood to enter my body, and I felt the sense of near contentment that it gave me. As I come towards the end, a small part of my brain wondered how it would feel to have _her_ blood running down my throat instead. I tried to push the thought aside, but it lingered.

When I looked up from my meal Esme had a deer at her feet. I lifted a tree for the carcasses, tossed mine in, and she did the same. She darted over to a boulder and sat upon it with her toes tucked underneath her just as she has done since Carlisle changed her. She waited patiently in the way that she always has when she sensed that I am struggling. Her mind filled with the beauty surrounding her. After many long minutes of deliberation, I sat down on the ground near her.

I looked up at her telling her about Biology; how much the monster wanted this girl's blood, how confusing and irritating and curious this girl was during our verbal exchange; how lost I felt without the aid of this girl's thoughts; how scared I felt, how certain I was that I was making things worse for everyone, and how certain I was that I had failed to leave this simple human girl with a positive impression of me. The last time I spoke so much about my inner world was in 1950 with Carlisle and that was with Jasper's aid. It was like once I started I didn't know how to stop. And Esme is not Carlisle. She has always accepted me how I am with no expectations.

Then I waited. While she listened her whole mind was focused on picturing my world and attempting to understand what I was saying. There were no judgements, no criticisms, and no feedback. She imagined hugging and rocking me as if I were four-years-old. I cringed a little.

"I know you're too big for that," she said with her check lifted in a slight smile. Then she sighed.

Esme doesn't really think in words, instead it's pictures and colours. I knew that sigh was her attempt to take her thoughts and express them to me. I held my breath a tinged scared about what she might say, waiting for the accusations and the condemnation that I knew wouldn't come, but I expected anyway.

"I dare say that's the worst day you've had in a long time."

Days when I had come home genuinely distraught flittered through her mind. Of course, she hadn't seen me on the day that I'd run away to Alaska–the absolute worst day of my existence. She took her time again to collect what she wanted to say.

"Can you differentiate what is causing the most distress?"

I thought about that, trying to separate out each element and weigh them. I took in a deep breath, her scent mixed with the forest and the bobcat still on my tongue.

"I'm not sure. I don't want to monster to win. It was so difficult after my rebellious period." I shook my head. "I'm afraid I'll become the murderer again. This is how it started last time. A scent that smelled good until the monster was all that I was. The desire for this girl's blood exponentially stronger than that." I took in another deep breath to steady myself before I went on. "I had been raised to believe that I contain both the light and the dark. Since I returned the prodigal son I've worked at keeping the darkness carefully contained. I know I can lose my temper at times, especially with Rosalie. Sometimes she brings out the worst in me." I said the last sentence almost as a growl remembering some of her more colourful insults.

I shook my head, and I saw Esme grinning while she remembered some of our fights.

"When I walked away from you and Carlisle it was a choice." I internally cringed at the mental picture this brought up for her. "This doesn't feel like a choice. This feels like being dragged into darkness. I'm fighting it. You have to know that I am, but I feel like I'm on the precipice to hell, and one wrong step and I'm going to take you all with me."

Instantly she wrapped her arms around me and rocked me while humming. I don't think Esme could have contained herself anymore, and I couldn't bear to hurt her feelings by moving. At first I found it uncomfortable as I did almost any physical contact. As the seconds ticked by I found myself relaxing.

She looked deeply into my eyes. "My dear serious boy", and with a slight grin like she was amused she said, "if you fell into hell, I would go and carry you back home. Never doubt it."

I couldn't help but smile at the image of sweet kind Esme in hell forcing the devil to give me back to her. She loves me so absolutely. It made me uncomfortable. My inadequacy to be deserving of such unfailing love began to fill me.

* * *

 _Miki Mouse in Blue Jean's story Faith & Love here on Fanfiction inspired the image of Esme with her toes tucked under her and the content of her mental world. _

_Jessica314 inspired the idea that Edward was tempted by a girl's scent and that was, in part, what drove him to leave Esme and Carlisle in her story Tale of Years: 1927.  
_


	9. Chapter 9: Esme was right

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

Esme took her hands and placed them on each side of my jaw, and with a fierce determination in her voice she said, "You are stronger than you realise. A healthy dose of worry is good; it'll keep you on the side of light, but not too much. Trust yourself. You've faced the temptation twice now. Twice you've been victorious. Yet, stay on guard. You'll be fine." How she straightened the knots of my thoughts so smoothly amazed me. And just like that the anxiousness that I had been carrying with me was all but gone.

I am indescribable lucky to have gotten Esme as my second mom. I looked at her with determination, and I knew that she knew that I had heard her. She took her hands away from my face and placed them in her lap.

"Now about the rest." And a true full smile spread across her face.

"I don't see what's funny, Mom," I grumbled drawing out the last word into a whine.

"You're being given a novel opportunity to learn something new and most importantly to grow."

"Well, if you put it that way," I grumbled but half-heartedly this time. I had never before had to doubt my perception. This whole making guesses thing was terrifying. For the first time since I came into this existence my telepathy seemed like a weakness. My gift was something I relied on, heavily I was beginning to realize. Having failed three times in an hour's interaction my understanding of myself in the world was shaken.

"So, will you help me with that?" I asked, searching her for an answer.

Finally she answered, "I think it would be best if we talked about it as a family."

"But Mom!" I whined worried yet teasing her. I really did not want to have to admit this to the whole family and to listen to their thoughts.

She looked at me compassionately. "Not the whole thing–just the part about reading humans. It might be good for the family to compare notes. I think it might help us all."

I thought about that. We hadn't had a newborn in the house since Emmett in 1935. Maybe she was right; maybe it would be helpful. "Can you? I don't want to …"

She looked at me and seemed to know of my need to save face. "Edward, dear, you know that secrets don't work in our house. I will start the conversation, though."

"Thanks." I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I also knew to trust her.

We stayed out there with her telling me stories about her first ventures into the human world after she had been turned. She told me about how nervous she had been and how uncertain that she wouldn't raise suspicion. She talked and talked. I listened. I knew that she was reassuring me with her stories. A part of me didn't want to be coddled or reassured. Despite this, I found myself reassured anyway.

Finally when her words had strengthened me to the point that I believed that I could even ask Rosalie for help, I said, "We should go home."

Esme is a magical creature. I don't know how she weaves such wondrous balms. Her and Carlisle are lucky to have each other. They are a blessing to each other and to us.

"Yes. Carlisle should be home by now. Before we go …" She looked at me lovingly. "I am proud of you son for coming and talking to me. It took a lot of courage." She looked like she was choosing her words carefully, "It shows how much you've matured since the last time …"

I grimaced at her memory of me withdrawing from her and Carlisle the weeks before I rejected their lifestyle. Then she went on imagining our family in a way that made me wonder if she dwelt in reality.

Sure enough, Carlisle was home in his study. Emmett was in the living room watching a game with Rosalie curled up next to him, while Alice and Jasper were still in their room. Once Esme and I entered the living room Emmett asked me if the hunt went well in his teasing manner. I decided to ignore his jab. I heard Esme, who was slightly behind me, call for Alice, Jasper, and Carlisle. Emmett muted the TV. As soon as Jasper entered the room he looked relieved and I knew talking to Esme had been the right choice. I was embarrassed about what was to come. I tried to stare into space.

Esme started the conversation as she had promised she would. Everyone looked at me puzzled with questions running through their mind. I felt the need to say something in order to clarify, so I added, "She's my biology partner."

One by one their questions quieted. I heard a few mental sniggers, but to everyone's credit no one said anything. They all began mentally looking through their memories attempting to summarize what they knew. One by one we each looked at Carlisle. With over three hundred years of experience combined with his direct interactions as a doctor, it seemed only natural for him to start us off.

He pondered and then said, "I don't know if there is a way to really be certain of a human's intention based on their facial expressions and words, that is in part why we depend on you, Edward. With our kind's abilities we can often see microexpressions that the human in question might not be conscious of. These are often a goldmine of information. However, they do not portray intention as much as temporary mental states. Given that, what I have found to be most effective is time. Over time you can discover a person's intentions. If how they present themselves matches their actions, then you can trust their words to a greater extent than someone whose presentation and actions do not match." There was general nodding in agreement.

I decided to press the issue, imaging for the moment that it was just another topic we were looking at from every possible angle.

"If you did that method religiously, then there might have been times when we might have stayed in a place too long. Certainly as a scientist you have stronger empirical evidence than time."

"Well, perhaps there are things that I observe that creates concern. If so, I've never had to articulate it quite like this before. Perhaps one of you," sweeping his hand towards us, "has something to offer while I consider the question with greater scrutiny?"

It was Rosalie that spoke next. She was irritated and bemused that we were even having this conversation. She had kept her human memories better than anyone else. That gave her a unique perspective. "I think it's in the eyes. When someone is being honest his or her eyes look different from someone who is being dishonest. It's also where people look when they talk and the kind of fidgeting they do, but some are just really good liars and hard to catch no matter what." At that she had a far away look, and thinking about some of the unpleasant aspects of her human life. I tried not to pay attention, and give her the mental privacy I knew she'd want. Emmett held her close reassuringly.

"Most people do not say what they are thinking. They edit based on what they believe will create smooth communication with the recipient. Simultaneously, I have found in my charity work over the years that many women became flustered around me. They either said things they wished they wouldn't or barely talked at all. Most of the men looked at me, but said only the smallest polite things because they knew me as Dr. Cullen's wife. On the other hand, times have changed, and with it how people communicate with one another," Esme contributed.

As is our family's customary reaction after the beginning of a discussion, my siblings began talking over each other. I worked at not smiling at Alice's comments. She so rarely saw the world as it is. They gave anecdotal examples of times they caught a human in a lie or different conversational statements they've heard at school and their interpretation with the exception of Jasper. He looked at me and told me _Most of the time their emotions give them away, unless they are unaware of their own deception, but I've not paid close enough attention to be helpful to you._ I nodded my thanks to him.

All the while Carlisle looked at me and showed me mentally all of his examples. At the end he added, _I'm glad you talked to Esme, but know that we can_ always _talk about anything that concerns you_.

I nodded slightly at him. As true as I knew his words to be, it just was easier to admit my weakness to Esme. Once he was done with our mental conversation, he joined the overlapping voices. Esme wrapped her arm around my waist.

She was right. We are a family that love and support each other even when we fight and argue and drive each other nuts. I was silly to think that they would condemn me for being inexperienced at this. Instead as she predicted, it rallied us, allowed us to share our experiences with each other, and we each learned something, probably me the most of all annoyingly.

The sun began to rise behind the clouds and the conversation started to putter out. Emmett being the least conversationalist of the family was naturally the first one to mention that snow that had arrived. He picked up Rosalie and went running outside to making snowballs. Alice, Jasper, and I were close behind. Esme and Carlisle stood on the porch grinning like Chester cats holding each other until we started pilfering them and they had no choice but to defend themselves.

After a bit Esme looked at Carlisle and says, "You have work," then turned to us, "and you all have school."

Then in unison we all say, "But, Mom," and laugh heartily. As we headed in I grabbed Alice and asked her if I needed to hunt.

"Hold on," and she began to search the future. "Nope."

I watched through her mind faint foggy flashes of cars impacting one another. Not surprising given the conditions.

"No death or mayhem by your hands. You're good." With a sigh of relief I went to get ready for school.

We all were standing by the Volvo having arrived at school before the bell rang when Alice had a vision of the beginnings of a car crash here in the parking lot. One of her faint foggy images became as if it was a movie picture indicating that it went from a possibility to a certainty. One of the other juniors' cars was just about to find ice and like an idiot he would slam on the breaks, which, of course, would lock the breaking system and he would have no control of the vehicle.

Humans get hurt and die everyday. It is simply part of the nature of being human. None of us were going to risk being exposed by getting involved. Emmett and Rosalie moved closer to Jasper just in case there was blood. Just as the driver lost control in front of my eyes and there was a high-pitched screech Alice's vision now showed the trajectory the dark blue would take.

I'm still not sure I know what overcame me. But internally I roared "Not her!"


	10. Chapter 10: Why?

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

I sprinted to Bella as quickly as I could, faster than a human eye could detect. The moment I moved I heard my siblings mentally yell, _Edward, what are you_ doing _?_

I had no idea what I _was_ doing. I mentally pushed everything into the background giving my whole and undivided attention to my goal taking the deepest breath I could as I went. As I reached Bella I knocked her out of the way bracing my body against the van to protect her from impact. Her head hit the pavement with a cracking sound not very different from an egg being cracked open. The van's contact with Bella's truck and my body caused the van to ricochet. The front end began to head towards Bella.

Cursing the dumb luck of physics and myself for putting myself in this position I shot my hands out protectively bringing the van a foot from Bella clearly leaving two handprint indentation in the metal of the van. Then with the same speed that I had used to run here I gripped under the body of the van and dragged her, swinging her legs till they hit the tire. The van stopped moving.

Suddenly my family's mental shock and screams re-entered my consciousness. I purposefully returned their voices to the background knowing I would have deal with them later.

I wasn't sure what was happening and why I had stepped in, but I knew for certain that a large imprint of my hands on the van would be a dead giveaway of my inhumanity. On second thought the perfect moulding of my shoulder was also a problem. I studied it. Fortunately, it was less conspicuous because I could not conceive, without more inhuman actions, how I would get to it given the position of the van in relation to myself. I put that aside and focused on the task at hand. In one quick movement I released my left hand from holding Bella and used it to begin smoothing out the metal where my handprint had been. Destroying evidence of my non-human capacities was primary.

While I continued to work on the metal with one hand and held her against the side of my body with the other her heat radiated through our clothing. The last time I felt the radiating heat of a human this close was when I had fed from one. I pushed the memories that arose back down. I reminded myself that this girl in my arms was not my food careful not to breathe.

In my attempt not to startle her I said softly and a bit frantically, "Bella? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I heard her say.

I compared her response to all the times I had heard her speak. Her voice didn't sound match any of her previous pitches or intonations. That evidence combined with my medical training told me that she was, most likely, not fine.

"Be careful," I warned her as she struggled. "I think you hit your head pretty hard."

"Ow," she said surprised.

Finally the girl's brain was catching up with reality.

I had to work hard at suppressing laughter as I said, "That's what I thought."

She looked dazed and confused. She started speaking by saying, "How in the …" and then she took a deep breath and looked around.

My work on the metal to remove my handprints was basically done. It looked reasonably like what a human would expect from an accident that didn't include a monster who could stop moving vehicles. Hopefully no one would look too close.

"How did you get over here so fast?" she blurted out quietly.

"I was standing right next to you, Bella," I replied with a serious tone. Her believing my lie was critical.

She turned to sit up. With the danger over and my touch being repugnant I released her. I went to take in a breath when suddenly her scent filled my lungs. I slid as far away from her as I could in the limited space. Doing so increased my concern for my family and how to conceal our secret, which then tuned me into their internal voices. Fortunately, the monster was secure for the moment. Their mental outrage probably helped.

My ears picked up the noise of previous observers rushing towards the collision. I closely listened to the thoughts of those around us evaluating if anyone was suspicious. It seemed that the noise of the van had caught everyone's attention and no one had noticed what I had done. If I had dared to breath, I might have exhaled in relief. However, I knew that in this tight space, even though we were outside, so her scent wasn't as bad as in the classroom, it was a bad idea.

Although no observer noticing me was a lucky break, it still didn't solve the potential problem Bella posed. From her question it seemed that she was suspicious. I swore at myself, and possibly for the thousandth time wondered why I had reacted the way that I had. Just then she attempted to stand up. One part of me knew that touching her again was a bad move, but my concern of her falling over or something else happening due to her concussion overruled. I pushed her shoulder down.

"Just stay put for now."

"But it's cold," she complained.

I chuckled at the thought that she nearly died and her complaint was sitting on cold pavement, but there was an edge of anxiety in my voice that I was unable to hide. The full weight of what I had just done combined with my siblings mental voices were hitting me.

"You were over there. You were by your car." She sounded even surer of herself than before. This was not looking good. I needed to convince her; I _had_ to convince her that she was wrong.

"No, I wasn't," I stated emphatically with a stern and hard expression. I was getting close to being out of breath. What I would do then I did not know.

Alice began searching the future to see if my lie would work. Rosalie was over her shock and was focused on mentally screaming at me for being such an idiot. Jasper was trying to manage the outpouring of strong emotions by so many people while simultaneously trying to decide if manipulating the situation would be strategically helpful. And Emmett was trying to figure out how he could help me get out of the jam I just put myself in.

If Rosalie's rants weren't enough, I was ranting at myself. This could not be happening! This is what I get for intervening! I kept repeating internally.

"I saw you." Bella was emphatic this time.

I tried to calm myself. I could have used a little of Jasper's magic right about then, but I doubt he could have focused on me given the emotional temperature from the crowd surrounding us. Arguing hadn't thus helped, so I changed tactics.

"Bella, I was standing with you, and I pulled you out of the way." Then I looked at her steadily in the eye with the full hypnotising power of my gaze.

"No." She set her jaw.

Why oh why did she have to be so resistant to my skills? Anyone else would have been putty in my hands between my telepathy and the persuasive capacities of my kind. If the situation weren't so frustrating and dangerous her look would almost be cute like kittens pretending to be a tiger. Cute? I thought her look was cute? What is wrong with me? I would have to deal with these thoughts later I told myself as I pushed them aside.

I tried using my persuasive gaze again. "Please, Bella."

"Why?" she demanded.

I had no answer, no reasonable explanation, so instead I pleaded. "Trust me."

Could I trust this girl to not talk about what she had seen? I knew we had only seconds left before the vehicles would be separated and we would not be alone.

"Will you promise to explain everything to me later?"

"Fine," I snapped officially out of air.

This wasn't what I hoped for, but anything to hold her off until I figured out how to fix this mess. Stupid stubborn observant mentally mute tormentor! I could not conceive how I could have given my tormentor more power.

Right then the van moved away, ambulances arrived, and stretchers came. I was able to take in a relatively Bella-scent-free breath. The monster rattled its cage, but with my family and everyone else watching me I kept it contained. I refused the stretcher they offered me, stating vehemently that I didn't have a scratch on me. The EMTs looked me over and with not a hair out of place relented.

I looked over at my siblings and caught Alice's eyes pleading with her to find a way to help me cover my mess. Given the situation, I, of course, couldn't keep Bella out of my hearing. It was my responsibility to make sure that she kept her end of our agreement. As I was getting into the ambulance I saw Emmett very subtlety change the shape where my shoulder had been. I gave him a grateful look and he just shrugged. _You would have done it, if it was me_. I knew that was true, but still he didn't have to. I appreciated it.

I chanced a look at the rest of my siblings. Rosalie was visibly fuming while her loud imaginative mental cursing continued. Alice looked shocked, but mentally was focused on the future. Jasper looked stunned by my actions, anguished by Alice's emotional state, and if I had to take a guess, overwhelmed by the heightened emotional climate that he was dealing with. I wished I could have blocked out the mental _Why?_ that kept emanating from my siblings.

I got up into the front with the EMT while Chief Swan gave us a police escort. The administration was beginning to corral student into the building. Right before we pulled away Jasper had been pulling shock out of Alice. The last thing I saw from Alice was her checking the future to see if police would come to the house or we'd have to move, but I didn't see the result as the ambulance was too far away from school.

The EMT joked about Carlisle, while I jovially agreed. I had heard it all before. The whole time Bella was very quiet. And for the umteenth time I wished I could read her mind. I pondered why I had gotten involved. Wouldn't my family have been better off if this one human who tortured me died not by me or my family's doing but by natural causes? Certainly yes was the logical answer. Then why had I saved her? I kept pondering it over and over.

I automatically picked up Carlisle's mental chatter when we got within range of the hospital. Right then his mind was primarily focused on his clients. A small portion of his mental capacity was being used to review the family discussion from last night, was observing if he had anything else to add that might be helpful, and was exploring his human interactions keeping in mind the other family member's observations.

By the time that we arrived at the hospital, I had convinced myself that I had reacted in order to prevent her blood from being spilled. In this way there was no temptation for Jasper or myself. I knew I could not control the monster if her blood was flowing, and I doubted Jasper could have either, which could have resulted in us fighting. It seemed like a reasonable excuse, but I couldn't buy it. I hoped my family would, as I had nothing else to give them.

At the hospital I considered finding Carlisle, but thought it better to keep Bella in my hearing range so we could minimize any damage she might create. I kept mental tabs on Carlisle and sent him a text letting him know that I was in the hospital because I had been involved in the school car accident. Just as a precaution, our family didn't text anything that could give us away. We are nothing but thorough, well usually. Shortly after sending my text it showed up in Carlisle's thoughts. Immediately he decided to call Esme. Since I couldn't read Bella's mind I wasn't sure what to do. What I have done over the years when a family member did something that might expose us didn't apply to Bella. Consequently, I sat listening to Bella with my ears like a blockhead and anyone who wasn't Bella telepathically. I had no better ideas.

The hospital staff wheeled the driver of the van next to Bella. I had no concerns regarding his thoughts nor about their conversation until he said, "How did you get out of the way so fast? You were there, and then you were gone …"

I froze becoming like a marble statue, which in my defence is my kind's more natural state than the human movements I have trained myself to do, as I imagined the devastation that would be caused if the next words were anything other than what I had told her.

"Umm … Edward pulled me out of the way." With relief I unfroze, reminding myself that humans surrounded me and statuesque behaviours would not help. I became aware that Esme was in my mental range full of worry and concern for me.

"Who?" the driver, whom I heard the nurse call Tyler, said sounding confused.

Tyler's memory consisted of him trying to stop his vehicle and his own fears that passed through his mind during the accident. Nothing more. If I could have read Bella's mind, then I would know her intention, dealt with it, and moved on with my life. If only … Heavens above this was torturous.

"Edward Cullen – he was standing next to me."

I waited on pins and needles the insane amount of time it takes humans to respond to one another.

"Cullen? I didn't see him … wow, it was all so fast, I guess. Is he okay?"

Great! Just confirm her belief that I suddenly appeared. I suddenly wished that I could cause Tyler to become unconscious. This was going great, I internally grumbled sarcastically at myself. At least she had kept to the story I told her. That was something.

"I think so. He's here somewhere, but they didn't make him use a stretcher."

I heard the irritation in her voice and stifled a giggle. That girl sure was testy.

Esme walked into the waiting room and came up to me. She asked me if I was okay, playing the concerned mother well. I looked her straight in the eyes and quietly with slight worry said, "I'm okay." I looked at her pleadingly. "I need to find Dad."

 _Sure, I'll keep on ear out for anything that might concern us._ "He's attending his patients at the moment," she stated with a sight nod. _You will need to go to the department's main nursing station._

I nodded slightly back at her. I left certain that I could trust Esme with this request.

I found the nurses station that I had just visited last week and asked for my dad.

She said that she could page him.

I expressed my gratitude and then I told her I'd wait in his office. Once the door to his office closed I slumped into the chair. I wished that I could push out the mental noise, but I knew my telepathic skills were vital right now, so I continued to allow the barrage of mental voices to fill my head. I, of course, didn't need to slump or even sit for that matter. Carlisle preaches to practice the human façade even when no one was looking in order to create engrained habits. His advice certainly aided me today.

I didn't know what I was going to say to Carlisle. I didn't know how I was going to explain myself, especially since I didn't understand my own actions. I could hear the sound of his shoes, how his gait caused his pants to rub together, and when he thanked the nurse for the message. Not once did his mind deviate from the patients he had already seen or the patients he had left to see. Closer and closer to me he came. I froze in my pose as the doorknob twisted and the hinges gave way to the door being opened.


	11. Chapter 11: He Really Shouldn't

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. All of the dialogue that comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, remains hers.**

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Carlisle closed the door and sat in the chair next to me. He pushed his patients needs into the back of his mind. Instead he focused on what was happened with me. He was mentally reviewing my description of the pull my tormentor's scent had on me; his guess that last night's family conversation resulted because I was struggling to communicate appropriately with her; and what he had overheard from hospital staff regarding the events of this morning. His assessments of what was happening to me were fascinating to watch, if not also entirely humiliating. Knowing him, he was most likely going through this mental exercise purposefully in order to help calm my nerves. His intention, I presumed, was to assuredly showed me his belief that there was a rhyme and reason for these events if only we could discover the connections.

He had put his hand on my shoulder waiting. It worked. I thawed and looked up to his eyes seeing nothing but concern and compassion. I wished that I could tell him the things that I had told Esme, but I couldn't face the possibility that he might be disappointed.

"I don't know what came over me," I blurted out looking down at my hands.

"I've had those moments myself," he said soothingly, the memories of changing Esme and Rosalie flashed through his mind.

Those events were not this. He had acted out of compassion. I had acted out of selfishness. I wished he would just give me the verbal whipping I deserved and then get on with things. I had endangered the family's secret with possibly the worst person on the planet. His understanding underscored my own failures and need for condemnation. I sat staring at my hands, reading his thoughts, while continuing to scan the thoughts of everyone in the hospital for anything that might incriminate us.

It seemed that he was trying to discern what I needed from him. Finally after many long moments he asked, _Edward, what is going on?_

I paused trying to figure out what to say. "Bella seems to have stuck to the story I told her," I said in our quick sub-human mutter. "I haven't picked up anything concerning at the scene or at the hospital." I wasn't quite ready to look into his eyes.

When I did glance up he looked concerned and a bit confused. _I appreciate the update, son, but right now I care more about being your father than the head of our family. Perhaps I should have asked, what is happening with you? Talk to me, please, Edward._

Why couldn't he just tell me what to do and get on with it? Having to face him as my father felt torturous. It didn't take long for me to decide that having to sit here and face the concern and compassion of my father was Bella's fault. If only her scent wasn't so appealing … if only she wasn't mentally mute, then I wouldn't have this problem.

"I acted rashly around the one person whose mind I can't read, so I have no way of gauging our risk." Guilt permeated my words. "You did it for centuries before changing me. I came so you could tell me how to best handle the situation."

Can you see my failure, now, father? The last word was as a mental snarl. You managed without my gift for all those years, where I have failed at the first presentation of something similar. If it weren't for my gift, I would have exposed us years ago and we both would no longer exist. Surely now you can see the evidence to convince you that I failed you from the very beginning. You should never have turned me. You should have picked someone better.

His features flashed gratitude and relief as he mentally replayed my words. There was the tiniest bit of frustration in the tone of his thoughts. Fortunately, he decided not to press the issue of my state of being and instead address the problem at hand. I couldn't take any more of him trying to get me to open up because of his own sense of failures.

 _We wait and see,_ he decided.

I hung my head shaking it back and forth with the words, _What have I done?_ pinging inside.

 _You saved a girl's life, my son. There's no shame in that._ His thoughts were emphatic as he squeezed my shoulder. It seemed like he was reading _my_ mind. Maybe a century of years living together will do that. My head began to lift and I began to sit up.

"What now?" I made sure to keep my voice to sub-human levels. He was right. The action was done. I could redeem myself by cleaning up my mess by whatever means necessary.

 _I will take care of things on the medical end, and keep an ear out for anything here at the hospital. I think it would be best if you kept an ear out regarding Bella. I'm sure your mother had things to get done._

"Thanks, Dad," I said returning to a normal human level.

It wasn't a lot of instruction, but his words were reassuring and gave me a sense of purpose. I left his office unable to make eye contact still trying to figure out how to convince this now not so insignificant girl that what she claimed to see was all in her head. I had given her this power of me, over us, now I just had to find a way to take it away.

Right before Carlisle brought his patients back to the forefront of his mind, his thoughts reviewed our conversation trying to figure out how he could have handled it differently. He never thought about whatever intention he wanted yet failed to achieve. I must have disappointed him in some immeasurable way. Then our conversation was in the background as his focus was given to the patient in front of him.

First I found Esme. I looked at her quizzically, and she shook her head no. Well, so far so good.

"Thanks, Mom. I'm going to go check on Bella."

She looked at me sternly reminding me through thoughts and looks to be careful. I nodded, and hung my head.

How was I ever going to get out of this? Since arguing with Bella hadn't worked well, and so far she'd kept her end of the bargain, I strategized that the best approach would to appear very human-like and reattempt what I had started yesterday in Biology—to give her a good impression and reassure her that I was "normal". I took as deep as a breath as I could, felt my usual thirst, and entered giving her my full attention and the thoughts of others quieted.

She had her eyes closed. Coming near her I asked Tyler, "Is she sleeping?" and went to stand at the end of her gurney.

She opened her eyes and glared at me. Okay, then, not asleep and definitely still mad. Mad, but didn't say anything? That certainly didn't match my assumption that she had discarded her observations as silly or crazy like most humans would have. Nor, if she believed her own eyes, was it typical teenage girl behaviour to withhold juicy information from her fellow classmates.

What was wrong with this girl? She hadn't done anything I expected! Before becoming irritated or frustrated I reminded myself of how during our last encounter patience had resulted in a lot of answered questions.

Tyler began to apologize, "Hey, Edward, I'm really sorry—" he wasn't my concern and I had no need to get into a conversation with him.

I lifted a hand to stop him. "No blood, no foul," I stated and smiled reassuringly.

He seemed to react appropriately, letting go of his need to apologise, and moving on.

Why do my interactions with humans work well enough except with _her_? What is wrong with _her_? Maybe I should have let the van crush her. I went and sat on the edge of Tyler's bed, facing Bella. Despite the blood dripping out of Tyler I wasn't tempted. Maybe this was how Carlisle managed to work around all this blood. He focused on something else, like making sure one fragile human girl doesn't ruin your family's life. Hum.

I concentrated on the job at hand, trying to keep my voice light and friendly, while making sure not to make any mistakes like yesterday, I said, "So, what's the verdict?"

"There's nothing wrong with me at all, but they won't let me go. How come you aren't strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?" She really sounded quite perturbed.

"It's all about who you know." That sounded like an appropriate human response. I needed some way of dispelling her anger and getting her to trust me enough to let go of what she believed she saw. "But don't worry, I came to spring you," I added, knowing my father was close enough to hear.

Carlisle came in. Bella responded to his presence like most human females do. At least some part of her was "normal" I grumbled internally. _So, this is the cause of all our troubles_ he thought to me with a teasing tone.

"So, Miss Swan, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," was her response.

He turned on her lightboard and focused on her X-rays.

"Your X-rays look good. Does your head hurt? Edward said you hit it pretty hard." _Did you notice this is not her first concussion?_ I nodded yes just a miniscule amount. _Either she's very clumsy or she was not treated well by her guardians._

I found myself internally flinching at the idea of Bella being mistreated by her parents.

What is wrong with me? I found myself back to her question from yesterday, "Why does it matter to you?" I still didn't have an answer.

"It's fine," Bella repeated as if these were the magical words allowing her to leave as she scowled at me. I worked hard to keep a face straight. She was scowling at _me_ the creature that wanted to devour her! What a hilarious thing to do, if she only knew, of course.

Carlisle did all his regular things to examine her. I reminded myself to ask him about the current sensation from yesterday, since he had now touched her.

"Tender?" he checked.

I found myself not liking that he touched her, wanting to take his hands off of her. What is wrong with me? I asked myself _again_. I knew he was only doing a routine exam and would be careful.

"Not really."

It was such a bad lie. She had just winced. This time I couldn't hold myself together and chuckled softly. As soon as I did, she stared at me with her eyes narrowed like she was trying to burn holes through me.

Silly Bella, I'm all but indestructible. This time I held my face better.

Carlisle went through his mental assessment, weighing the medical evidence with her obvious desire to leave.

"Well, your father is in the waiting room—you can go home with him now. But come back if you feel dizzy or have trouble with your eyesight at all."

I knew that blurry vision was a sign of a concussion and he was being a doctor, but considering the circumstances, it held a lot of meaning.

"Can't I go back to school?" I heard her ask.

Why would she want to go to school? Most high schoolers jump at the chance to miss class. I added that to the "not normal" list in my head.

"Maybe you should take it easy today," my father suggested with obvious concern, briefly wondering if there was anything going on at home, then dismissed it, remembering that she just arrived a week ago.

Bella then glanced at me and asked Carlisle, "Does _he_ get to go to school?" like somehow me not being hurt was my fault.

Remembering to stay in my role, I said smugly, "Someone has to spread the good news that we survived."

"Actually," my dad corrected, "most of the school seem to be in the waiting room."

How had I missed that? Right. I had been focused on Bella and only thoughts related to her or our accident. Another failure.

"Oh no," she moaned, and covered her face with her hands.

What a strange response. Definitely went in the "not normal" column, then I remembered that some girls are exceptionally shy at her age, so amended my list with a "yet to be determined" column.

"Do you want to stay?" Carlisle asked with great concern. He really is a great doctor.

"No, no!" she insisted while she threw her legs over the side, hopped down and then staggered.

Carlisle caught her with concern on his face. _Probably very clumsy_ he concluded.

I found that his hand on her arm bothered me even more than him checking her head. What is wrong with me? I asked myself once again. This was four times more often than was reasonable of asking _that_ question. Even worse was that I had no answer. Great! Another thing I didn't know. Esme would be pleased with all the new experiences I was having, I thought sarcastically. Thinking of Esme brought her mental voice through clearly. She was worried about me, about our family, wondering if Alice had seen anything, and trying to decide if she should stay at the hospital in case she was needed or go back home in case we had to flee. I pushed her mental voice back into the background making sure my full attention was with Carlisle convincing this girl who held our future in her hands.

"I'm fine," Bella said for the third time now.

"Take some Tylenol for the pain," he advised while he steadied her.

"It doesn't hurt that bad," she insisted.

"It sounds like you were extremely lucky," he replied fishing on our behalf while signing her chart.

"Lucky Edward happened to be standing next to me," she retorted with a hard glance at me.

"Oh, well, yes," Carlisle agreed. He looked at the papers in front of him, while he thought to me, _She told your lie to her peer and now me. Good signs. She seems testy. Be careful, son. She's all yours._ And then he was off, focusing on his next patient, Tyler.

Standing up I walked in the direction of the exit. She came over to my side. Moving very deliberately I ensured to be extra careful with my movements.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" she hissed under her breath. Her scent accosted me, waking the monster.

I took a step back, clenched my jaw, and balled up my fists commanding the monster back down. _Steady,_ my father warned me.

"Your father is waiting for you," I said through my teeth nearly out of breath. I didn't know how to take a breath without inhaling her sweet delectable scent that would inevitably over power me and force me to sink my teeth into her soft pliable skin and suck her dry.

"I'd like to speak to you alone, if you don't mind," she pressed.

I did mind! Quite a bit, but I didn't see any alternative.

 _Go with her and persuade her. I believe in you to resist._

He shouldn't. He really shouldn't.


	12. Chapter 12: Why Does It Matter?

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

With my father's words ringing in my ears I glared at Bella, turned my back, and strode down the long corridor in a very human way. I could at least be meticulous about my façade. When I had gained enough ground that my tormentor wasn't right next to me, I took a deep breath. Luckily there wasn't too much of her scent in that breath, and it was relatively easy to keep the monster caged. If only my irritation and fear were as easy to allay.

I couldn't let Carlisle down.

I led her to a part of the hospital that was presently deserted and where few people went. I listened with my ears for Carlisle. I couldn't hear him; there were too many barriers. That probably meant he wouldn't be able to hear me. His thoughts were completely immersed in whichever patient was in front of him, so I pushed his, along with everyone else's, mental voice into the background giving my full concentration to what was bound to happen next. As I rounded the corner entering a short hallway, I turned around and faced her: my demon, my witch, my torturer.

Oh, why are you doing this to me? Can't you just go away and leave me alone? I mentally asked the girl glaring at me. But that seemed unlikely. I could feel the role I had played slipping.

"What do you want?" I demanded from her. My words came out sounding annoyed, which given my emotional state was better than what it could have been. I stared at her calculating and evaluating her every movement. I needed to convince her that I was human while simultaneously convincing her that the inhuman stuff she saw didn't happen while not being able to read her mind and not kill her. No problem.

"You owe me an explanation." She sounded almost pleading.

Why was she pleading for an explanation? Once again this girl was confounding me. If only I could read her thoughts, I would convincingly lie, and be done with it. Instead I had to pretend I was human while conversing on this topic as if I were human. The fact that I had failed three times in our last verbal exchange did not escape my awareness.

I considered our hospital exchanges combined with my previous encounters with her and hypothesized that the annoyance coming through in my voice was intimidating her. I could soften my approach and reassure her or continue with intimidation. If the point was to appear human, then intimidation could also work. Humans get irritated and frustrated and attempt to intimidate each other. I had watched it in the years when I had lived without Carlisle and Esme. Could I pull it off? I wasn't sure, but no better options came to mind.

"I saved your life – I don't owe you anything," I uttered harsher than I had spoken before.

I watched carefully as she flinched. Flinching meant that she was scared of me. Right? I had watched fear and intimidation work for many of the scum I had consumed.

"You promised," she said with a soft pleading and almost resigned tone.

Perhaps this tactic was working. Resignation was a good sign. Nevertheless, it bothered me that she had flinched at my tone. But it shouldn't bother me. This was just some insignificant human girl. Yet her tactic of pleading was nearly my undoing. The gentleman my birth mother raised me to become balked at my treatment of a lady causing me to cringe internally. I fought it back, reminding myself that this wasn't a lady, this was a witch sent for my destruction.

"Bella, you hit your head. You don't know what you're talking about," I stated emphatically.

I reckoning that these words with the intimidation would do the trick.

Instead of cowering she glared back defiantly. "There's nothing wrong with my head."

What had I done wrong? Why had she not resigned completely as I expected her to? This was not a pleasant friendly conversation. This was a matter of life and death. The tactic of ending the conversation like I had in Biology could have unforeseeable, unless you're Alice, consequences. If only I could read my tormentor's thoughts and know why she went from pleading to glaring. I calculated the risk of changing tactics. I rapidly ran through our family discussion last night, everything they had said, their memories that I had picked up, and combined it with human interactions I had observed in my hunting days particularly focusing on the times that had resulted in the scum getting the results he needed. I decided that she was only changing tactics so that _I_ would give in, which I couldn't do. Therefore, the logical course of action was to continue as I had been.

I glared back, "What do you want from me, Bella?"

"I want to know the truth. I want to know why I'm lying for you."

Just that. Just the truth. If only she knew what she was asking for. The truth would kill her and end us. I couldn't give anything away no matter what. I had to do figure out how to do what I came here to do. Maybe this was an opportunity to learn all of what she saw, how badly we were exposed.

"What do you _think_ happened?" I asked making sure that my tone suggested that whatever she said was going to be highly dubious.

Once she started, it was obvious that she had seen everything despite hitting her head. This girl wasn't just dangerous she was extremely dangerous. She was exactly the type that had caused our family to move _without_ all the evidence she had: smart, observant, and methodical. A 100,000 tons load of guilt crashed into me. My mind became frantic. This was worse than I imagined. The only path I could see left in front of me was to attempt to get her to doubt her very eyes. Intimidation would never do with what she knew. She held all the cards. My only fortune is that she didn't know it. That was my leverage.

"You think I lifted a van off you?" I said incredulously.

She nodded.

"Nobody will believe that, you know." I meant it to come out harsh and threatening, but the meaning behind what she saw lowered the volume of my voice, so it didn't come out as humanly frightening as I intended. I could easily see that if she spoke just one word it would cause people to ask questions and questions could cause suspicion and suspicion could cause investigations and investigations would be really really bad. In the worst-case scenario my mind could conceive the whole town was razed along with my family.

"I'm not going to tell anybody," she said slowly as if she was being careful with the words she chose.

I was shocked. It took time for those words to sink in. She. Wasn't. Going. To. Tell. Anybody. A flash of irritation sped through me. If she wasn't going to say anything, why did the truth matter? Why were we even having this conversation?

"Then why does it matter?" I had managed to gather myself enough to ask her with the same but slightly softer incredulous tone as I had before.

"It matters to me. I don't like to lie – so there'd better be a good reason why I'm doing it." Her tone was if she was going to stomp one foot for good measure. It might have been endearing if I wasn't so mad at myself. I had created this. This was my fault. A small part of my brain questioned why in the name of all that was holy was I finding her behaviour endearing? I quickly pushed that aside.

My anger was now fuelling me. Purposefully and calculating I asked irritatingly, "Can't you just thank me and get over it?"

"Thank you," but the words were spit out as if she were the one spewing venom.

That was when I realised how tenacious and most likely stubborn she was. This was going to be a catastrophic problem.

"You're not going to let it go, are you?" I asked checking my suspicions.

"No," she said emphatically.

"In that case . . ." A range of insults ran through my brain, but antagonizing her more didn't seem wise at this point. "I hope you enjoy disappointment," I stated emphatically. We scowled at each other. I again attempted to use the power of my gaze to no visible effect.

"Why did you even bother?" I heard her say as if she had crawled into her coffin.

It was the question I had asked myself since it happened. Just like yesterday, she left me speechless. I responded with truth.

"I don't know."

Then I turned and walked away knowing there was nothing left to say taking a deep Bella-light breath as I went.

I needed a safe place to calm down and think. The closest option was Carlisle's office. Home would have been better, but I just didn't have it in me to pretend human long enough to get there. I was so overwhelmed by what just happened I felt numb and barely went through the necessary façades. I didn't ask the nurse or tell her I was there. I just went in and sat down. I breathed in his scent–the first thing I remember when I woke up into this existence. I breathed it in remembering those first difficult confusing days. I focused on the scents in the room. There was the scents of books, of ink, of paper, the slightest whisper of my mother, of paint, of the heat from the filaments in the light, but none could be tasted without the accompaniment of my father's sweet fragrance.

I replayed all the events since last week–everything that had taken my dull, predictable, comfortable life away, and replaced it with chaos and danger. I have no idea how long I was sitting there lost in my own thoughts when I heard the doorknob being turned. Back to pretending to be human, I thought deploringly. My mind immediately reached out telepathically. I expected to find Carlisle or maybe a nurse. I was in Carlisle's office after all. Esme walked in instead.

"Here you are."

"Here I am," I answered without feeling.

With these words, she looked at me with deep concern.

"What is it Edward? What's wrong?" She said it so nonchalantly except for the emphasis on the wrong, like saving my tormentor was the most normal thing to happen today and she was confused. I pushed all the mental voices that I had let in back into the background.

In what I hoped sounded like a typical human teenager tone I said, "Everything!" Then I quieted my voice to subhuman levels. "Apart from potentially exposing our family?" The words reeked with bitterness and hurt and anger and sorrow and fear.

That stopped her. I looked up expecting anger or hurt, instead I saw pride and love. Were we even thinking of the same events? All of a sudden I was entirely confused. "Mom?"

"Oh, my wondrous boy," she exclaimed while she wrapped me in her embrace. Her thoughts invaded my mind. They were so powerfully beautiful. Her image of me was absolutely undeserved.

She matched my subhuman levels. "There is nothing _wrong_ with saving someone's life. I admit it is a bit dangerous for exposure," she chuckled a little and then pondered, "but you were a hero today." Suddenly she had a stern face. "I'm not going to let you beat yourself up because someone who might have died is alive today. Snap out of your brooding, mister," she commanded jokingly with a huge smile on her face.

I did feel better. I smiled a tiny bit. Then seriously I professed, "I don't know what came over me. Honestly. I really cannot begin to imagine what would have happened if she were hit and her blood was everywhere. My best guess is that I would have been unstoppable."

"Alice might have …" she started, but then frowned slightly knowing that Alice has little to no warning when we act out of instinct.

"Can you see, now? I wasn't a hero. I acted out of nothing but self-interest." I'm not sure why, but I could not admit the only thought that went through my mind as I bolted across the parking lot, even though I could admit the truth of the sentiment behind the action.

"Even still, you saved a life."

"Humans die every day, sometimes in front of us," I retorted.

Very sternly she looked me straight in my eyes, holding the sides of my head with her hands, "You listen here Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. I forbid you to see it any other way than saving a life. No matter the reasons, noble or not, she is alive today because of you."

"Yes, ma'am." I mean really what else could I say?

"Now that we have that settled, tell me everything that happened."

* * *

 _A/N: For readers familiar with Midnight Sun you will notice that Edward did not go back to school as he did in MS. I tried writing it like that, but I couldn't make it work for me, so I went with him staying at the hospital instead. In exchange we get a look at Edward with Esme. For those who were looking forward to a scene with Edward at school without Bella, forgive me._


	13. Chapter 13:Unwavering Love

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

 **The reference to events in 1950 is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction. She has generously permitted me to write as if it were a part of cannon. I have done so up until her Chapter 39, which is as much as she had written when I started scratching out the framework for this story. The particular chapters referenced here are Chapters 34 & 35.**

* * *

I ran through it all, every action, what I did, and the thoughts of everyone I heard until Bella left the hospital. Esme listened in rapped attention her mind creating images as I explained. I didn't expect it, but I found her doing so to be cathartic. Except, I left out the part where my personal tormentor knew everything, held all the cards, and I had failed to convince her of my lie. I knew it was childish. Simply, I was ashamed of myself. I had yet been able to summon the courage to speak these awful truths out loud. I knew it was inevitable, and I was attempting to avoid something that was unavoidable. I did it anyway.

"Hmm … sounds like it might work out okay. How much did Bella actually remember then?"

Of course Esme would ask, she was insightful and missed little.

I hung my head in shame. "It's bad."

She lifted my chin to meet her eyes. "Whatever it is, you can tell me, and, as a family, we will figure out our next steps."

I took an unnecessary deep breath. Esme, of course, recognised the action. I was trying to steady myself using her and Carlisle's scent to bring courage from my toes. She let go of my chin and waited expectantly. Against everything inside of me that wanted to run away or hide my shame from view, I opened my mouth. It came tumbling out like a bullet train. I was laid bare. My greatest sin since living off humans exposed. She said nothing while wrapping me in her arms, stroking my back, and humming her own little tune.

I wailed internally, mentally rebuking myself over and over. I had bared myself expecting, no deserving, flogging and castigation. I had never done worse to my family. At least when I had consumed humans I had done so without risking the lives of those I loved. Esme was wrong. I was no hero. My actions today were unforgiveable. In spite of that I was in her arms, her thoughts full of love, while she held me tight without repentance on my part. I knew from experience that if I repented she would forgive me, she had previously, but this was something more. Forgiveness without repentance was undeserved.

As she held me, I warred within myself. My old thoughts that had been dormant since Jasper's intervening talk between Carlisle and I in 1950 flooded back.

When I had run away from Esme and Carlisle I had been certain that Carlisle was unnecessarily constraining me, attempting to keep me from my natural food source. While away I had spent the years embracing the monster. The monster became me while who I had once been became a small whisper. I knew when I returned that I could only do so by choosing to box the monster in, to cage it. Doing so didn't change the fact that the man I presented to the world was the illusion; the monster was my true self. The rest was window dressing.

Since I had returned the prodigal son, I never once doubted or waivered from my father's beliefs in vegetarianism. Vegetarianism or not did not alter the reality of the matter, the truth. I knew that really I was the villain in disguise. I was the best wolf in sheep's clothing that existed. Being away had taught me and then cemented my understanding that when Carlisle changed me I had entered the shadows. I had fallen from even the possibility of being anything more than a monster in disguise.

I had lost my soul, and therefore was not eligible for the divine creator's gift of forgiveness. I acted not in a vain attempt to earn my way into heaven or escape the fiery torments of hell, but out of selfishness. Esme claimed that I was the hero. With her embrace and forgiveness without repentance, she treated me as if I were the child of the almighty God that my first parents insisted I strive to become. It was blasphemous.

I lived my life because of simple truths. I liked who I was better as a vegetarian. I stayed with my family and loved them and fought with them and covered for them because I was better, more the being I wanted to be, with them. I liked my life even if I was the only single person in a house full of pairs. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. What my mom was communicating, what she was doing was too much. It required me to believe that I was not soulless, and it threatened to open me up to the gift of unconditional forgiveness. I could not do that.

Simultaneously, I was unable to reject Esme's offering entirely. I simply could not hurt her like that. My mind struggled to find a way forward. Eventually I stumbled upon the knowledge that my beliefs were not her beliefs. Perhaps, then, I reasoned, she was, in her own way, simply generously demonstrating her unwavering love for me. This I could accept. So I took in her love and acceptance–flawed and undeserving of it as I was. I let her love strengthen the ties that bound us, the exact ties that my actions might impact. I let her love heal and dispel my fears that this would break our family, and that I would be voted off the island, as it were. I embraced her message that no matter what we, me included, as a family, would get through this. Allowing her to do this, however, was like a bush fire. It took with it some of the fundamental ways I had understood my world to work.

Esme and I must have been like that for a while each lost in our own thoughts because suddenly we broke from our frozen stance with the turning of the office's doorknob. We simultaneously separated, put on our masks, and used our senses to inform us of who was entering. I immediately opened my mind up to the internal voices around us. The instant that I did so I knew it was Carlisle by himself. I listened to him do his mental checklists before leaving the hospital for the day. That was when I realised that his workday had entirely passed.

Carlisle entered greeting us as if he knew we had been waiting here all along. We exchanged looks, while both of them thought almost together, _Car?_

I smiled as I always did when they did that. I really was sweet. Mom gave me a look querying if I was ready to face inquiring minds of the hospital. I nodded to indicate that I was. We travelled together to the car with my mom on my left holding me along my back her hand on my right side and my dad one step ahead on my right in a protective fatherly way. The feeling like I was shielded from the world, even though I was nearly indestructible, so quite silly practically, meant a lot to me in other ways.

Once we were in the car and on the way home with my dad driving at irritating human appropriate speeds, he reported that everything looked fine from his end. He then mentally asked for an update on how the conversation went with Bella upon her discharge. I stared at the back of Esme's head. She turned and looked at me. _It'll will be fine, Edward. Go ahead._

Still I resisted.

 _Edward,_ Carlisle warned. _Speak to me, son._

 _I'll keep you from bodily harm,_ Esme reassured me teasingly.

My only other option was to run away again. Certainly the full disclosure of how exposed the family was would change Carlisle's unwavering love and belief in me. Today's actions would cause him to reject me as his son. I had managed to do today what no one else in our family had ever done, even in those newborn years–given a human ammunition to destroy us. Carlisle might have forgiven me for the lives I have taken and my asinine idea to stop feeding back in 1950, but never before had I put Esme, his mate, at risk let alone the rest of the family. Many years ago he had referred to me as his lieutenant. He had trusted me in the managing of our family. He had depended on me and I had failed him. I couldn't imagine how I could have done worse. With fear and trembling I relented.

Grudgingly, I repeated for him what I had previously told Esme. I left nothing out knowing that she would insist on a full debriefing. I held my breath waiting for the rejection I deserved. Even with the reassurance Esme's love had given me, I would not stay where I was not wanted.

Mentally Carlisle considered the possible ramifications to our family and each member's reaction. When he got to Esme he looked over to her and smiled. Esme continued to radiate thoughts of pride in me. When he came to the end of his assessment Carlisle looked grave.

"Will she keep her word?"

His words stunned me. Had he not just earlier today said that he was more concerned about being my father than the head of our family? Now he was acting from his place of leadership. It sent my head spinning. All I knew was that it was a bad sign that he was speaking to me out loud. It seemed like I had been right. This had been the action to end his endless patience. I was no longer his cherished son. The most that I could hope for at this point was that Esme's love for me would allow me to stay and live under his roof and protection. His words in 1950 that I would always be his son no matter what and that no action on my part could ever change his sentiments for me felt hollow. I brought to my memory Carlisle's feelings that Jasper had relayed to me. I grieved what my actions had cost me. At least I didn't have to endure him attempting to force another awkward conversation, I thought bitterly. I desperately did not want to admit, including to myself, that above all I needed Carlisle. What he thought of me _mattered._ If I couldn't have his approval I at least needed his admonishment. I had finally done the one thing that was unpardonable.

I hung my head in shame, "I honestly can't tell you. To the most part the girl baffles me. To her credit, though, she hasn't told anyone about me yet."

 _I know today's events were hard to disclose, especially so soon after, but doing so demonstrates a lot of maturity on your part since,_ an image of Alice's intervention by her arrival in 1950 came to his mind _. Thank you for your transparency. I am proud of you._

His cheeks looked like they were trying to grin, but he was holding it in. His eyes sparkled in delight.

His response dumbfounded me. He was proud of me? He was trying not to smile? I tried to recall any instances on which he had reacted similarly. I couldn't. He had over the years thanked me when I came clean about things, but that didn't match the rest of his behaviour. I considered attempting to penetrate his mental blockades and probe his mind deeper, but I figured that would not help my case. I sat motionless waiting for the punch line, waiting for the chastisement that I desperately needed and wanted. And I waited.

The only reasonable conclusion that I could find as I waited was that he was holding off until we were home so that he could flog me publically. Even though a tongue-lashing seemed more Carlisle's style, some of the disciplinary actions I had seen in Jasper's mind that he had done to his underlings flashed through my mind. Although unpleasant, I would be willing to endure even that to stay. Even if Carlisle had never chastised me generally, let alone publically, his behaviour these past few minutes was uncharacteristic, forcing me to consider options I would have otherwise ruled out. A teeny tiny part of my brain thought back to our fateful conversation in 1950 and wondered if perhaps I was misjudging his sentiments.

Before I could explore these thoughts further I became aware that we were only a few miles from where my siblings would be able to hear us and I had an urgent question, especially since I didn't want my siblings to know anything about it. Besides anything to distract Carlisle from the present conversation sounded like a good idea right now.

"Dad, did you experience an electric current when you touched Bella?" My parents exchanged a glance that indicated an inside secret.

What? I thought loudly.

"No, Edward, I didn't. When did you experience that?" he asked like a cat that got the cream.

I hesitated. What was the joke that I wasn't getting? "Yesterday in Biology when Bella and my fingers accidently touched. I felt something like a current that went through my finger and up my arm." I examined him closely. "So, just me then?"

"Uh-huh." And then he started doing the mental activities he does to keep whatever he was thinking private. Esme was thinking as if it was spring.

"So, are you going to tell me what it means?" I asked belligerently.

After all that had happened today, I couldn't take the suspense.

Carlisle looked at Esme. Esme looked at Carlisle. Carlisle looked at her with imploring eyes. She sighed like, okay then, and then said, "Edward, son, it can mean that you have an unique connection with someone. If that person has also experiences it, then it might indicate that the person is your mate, but these things are unpredictable." At the end she sounded like she was trying really hard not to get her hopes up.

"It's not like there's much research on it," Carlisle said like a scientist, which seemed, given the context, like he was embarrassed. If we could blush like humans, he just might have. I looked back into my memories and saw from him some of the similar awkward behaviours when Rosalie and Emmett were courting that he was exhibiting now. But what did it mean? I thought exasperated. Neither of them had given me an answer. Given Emmett's lewd jokes, I wasn't going to talk to him about it, but maybe I could bring it up with Jasper and get a less cryptic answer. I doubted after tonight anyone would want to talk to me, though.

As we came towards the house I measured the thoughts of my family. This was going to be a difficult discussion. I was tearing my family apart. I wished that Carlisle would just dismember me now.

 _We have to tell them_ Dad reminded me as we came into the drive.

"Yes, I know," I answered resigned.

Of course everyone was already at the dining room table waiting. Carlisle, Esme, and I joined the rest of the family each of us taking our usual spots. Two table conferences within a week. This was not good, and everyone knew it.


	14. Chapter 14: Second Table Conference

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

 **The reference to events in 1950 is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction. She has generously permitted me to write as if it were a part of cannon. I have done so up until her Chapter 39, which is as much as she had written when I started scratching out the framework for this story.**

 **The reference to Edward following Rosalie is from The Dark Gift by staringatthesky here on Fanfiction. She has generously permitted me to use it here.**

* * *

The seriousness of the situation hung heavily on everyone except Alice. She looked positively radiant. Whatever caused her to look that way had to do with a vision. There was no other explanation. My concerns about what she might have seen as the ambulance took me out of range dissipated. Other than Alice, everyone's thoughts seemed to be almost exactly where they were at the end of the last table conference. And Alice has always had a unique way of seeing the world. Whatever it was, her mind gymnastics or not, I'd find out eventually.

Usually Carlisle started these conversations, so we were waiting for him, but tonight he seemed preoccupied in some strange way. It was strange, because whatever was keeping his attention weren't his thoughts as they were nearly blank. If I were to attempt to articulate it, I would say that he was swimming in the weight of the moment. Finally Jasper cleared his throat and Carlisle looked at everyone.

He motioned to me and said, "Yes, sorry Jasper, we should get started. Tell them Edward where we stand."

This was not talking to Esme or even Carlisle. This conversation was about assessing risk and weighing options, so I laid out the information that way. First I detailed all that Bella had told me that she saw.

All of my siblings but Alice were stunned. I figured she had already seen it. Emmett's thoughts could be summarized by, "Wow. That's really really really bad." Once the shock had dissolved he began calculating how he would aid in the defence of the family along with how he would protect Rosalie from what might come. Jasper was running through options and risk percentages. Alice was thinking about some new fashion styles. Esme's thoughts were a mix of her previous images of me as a hero and concern regarding the direction the conversation might go, almost protectively of Bella, but that made no sense at all, so I dismissed it. Carlisle was trying to think of a way to make sure this didn't turn into a brawl–I wasn't sure why he saw that as a possibility–and leaving Bella alive. I began rubbing my temples as Rosalie's mental volume kept increasing. Her internal litany of profanities were quickly accompanied by rapid low-mutterings where only the occasional insult could be heard, until she stared at me with a look to kill and asked darkly, "What _were_ you thinking Edward _Cullen?_ "

I gawped at her, most acutely aware of her murderously rage-filled thoughts. I tried the defence I had concocted. "I don't know what I would have done if her blood had spilled." Even to my ears I didn't sound convincing.

"So, you're trying to tell me that your options were to _save_ her by exposing us instead of _killing_ her and exposing us?" Her voice has risen in volume as she had gone on. She was fuming.

I looked down. It sounded so ridiculous when she said it. Rosalie was right. I was no hero. I had committed a crime and in any other group of our kind Bella and I would have been exterminated without hesitation.

She stood up. Her chair scraped across the floor. "The Volturi could come and remove us all from existence. You remember the _Volturi_ , Edward? Black coats that enforce the only rule that matters: keep our existence hidden from _humans_?" She was livid. "Maybe _you_ have a death wish, but I don't." Her hands were balled into fists and every part of her body was taut. Her posture reminded me of the first time she came across human blood. She compelled herself by sure force of will to not act on the monster with her, which if her thoughts were any indication, wanted nothing more to see me torn to pieces and burned slowly.

She was right, of course. I knew this. Everyone at the table knew this. In an odd way, though, having her voice it and expose my sin was reassuring. Despite all that she said and thought, Jasper's words from when he was first with us came to me. He had said that we were lucky that misunderstandings and arguments were the worst of how we treated each other. She stood there forcing herself not to move because she loved this family and she would defend it to her last moment, even while she hated me right then. Simultaneously it reinforced and strengthened my own self-loathing, humiliation, and despondency. Rosalie would have never caused the scene I had today.

Emmett put his hand on her back. I watched as her eyes softened slightly.

"Rosalie, please." Esme begged.

"Since this _family_ is implicated, I want to know how _he_ is going to clean up _his_ mess."

Esme's eyes pleaded with her to calm down. Her mind drew awful images of Rosalie and I at each other's throats acting like savage beasts, but then rejected them not even wanting to contemplate the possibility that we would come to blows.

"Rosalie," Carlisle's tone was soft and compassionate. "I know it is a lot to take in, and certainly this is a scenario we have never faced before, but when you're ready, I would like Edward to continue."

Emmett and Jasper jaws opened, their faced contorting into bewildered looks of "there's more?" Alice's looked impervious. I was uncertain if Rosalie could contain herself with more.

 _Go on, son, tell them the good news,_ he encouraged.

I explained the lie I had told Bella, my insistence on this version of things, how she had kept to the story from the beginning, and how she had insisted that she would never tell anyone.

"Yeah, cause they'd lock her in a nut house," exclaimed Emmett.

It was all on the table. I waited for the conversation that would determine Bella's fate.

As no one wanted to weigh in first I turned to the only person's thoughts that seemed helpful right now. "Jasper, why don't you share all of the angles that you are considering?"

He looked at me questioning, and I nodded. I could always see when he was put in a place of leadership how he had led armies.

"I am going to list them in order of risk, with the highest risk option first. We could, of course, combine some of these options."

We all nodded for him to continue except Alice who was unfazed.

"Most risky: Move; Next: Do nothing but wait. Go to school, follow Bella if necessary, and wait to see if she keeps her word; Next: Manufacture some false evidence that shows Bella as an unstable, unreliable witness. We would need to falsify psychiatric hospital records, etc, or we could have her found with a substance that she shouldn't have; Last: Kill her in a way that looks like the concussion was more serious than the hospital thought."

"You forgot, change her into one of us," Alice added casually and irritatingly, as if he had left off the most obvious option. As she said it, I could see Alice's vision: Bella with crimson eyes running with Alice in the forest. We froze from shock.

Before I even had a thought I had bounded over the table and launched myself at Alice. She had, of course, seen it coming, so my hands came up empty. I mentally heard Jasper leaping at me as I was almost across the table. I adjusted, but not enough. He grabbed my hair and was hurling his elbow to my throat when everyone moved at once. Emmett and Rosalie grabbed Jasper. Esme pulled me back. Alice moved between Jasper and I putting out her hands in both of ours directions. And Carlisle bellowed, "Stop!"

In unison we all turned towards Carlisle. When was the last time he shouted? It would have taken me a few minutes to go through my memories to find the answer, if there even was one.

With purposeful composure Carlisle looked at each of us sternly but there was fear in his eyes. "Done?"

No one moved.

"Edward, go back to your seat." _Now._ The tone stunned me. It was quite probably the most authoritative I'd ever heard from him.

I hung my head, unsure of what had come over me, whispered to my mom that I was okay now, and headed back to my seat.

"I'm sorry, Alice," I told her as I walked by and ruffled her hair.

She shrugged. "No blood, no foul," she replied and then grinned broadly.

I smiled back. Know-it-all psychic sister.

I looked into her mate's eyes. "I apologise Jasper. Won't happen again," I told him as I went past.

He nodded but kept a close eye on me. He thought about what would have happened if our leader were his old one, Maria, instead of Carlisle. I internally shuttered. She was one cruel sadistic beast. I was lucky to have Carlisle. I knew that, but Jasper's imagery was a stark reminder.

As we each found our seats again, Carlisle said very slowly and diplomatically, "Any other options to put on the table?"

Alice's face fell.

Rosalie spoke first. "We have to eliminate the risk. The human knows two much. I vote for either option three or four," but her tone and thoughts leaned in the direction of killing the girl that I had just saved. I snarled, but managed to not launch myself. This was just a discussion, became my internal mantra. She had the right to voice her opinion.

Carlisle looked at me. _Edward,_ he warned, _get control of yourself._

"I would be willing to stage it if _he_ ," Rosalie pointing to me, "isn't up for the job, even though _he_ made the mess."

I willed myself to not respond. Outbursts weren't doing me any favours.

"I don't think that's such a wise idea, Rosalie," Esme warned softly. Mental images of Rosalie's demeanour upon returning each night that she had killed one of her attackers rose into Esme's mind, then an image of Rosalie over Bella with Bella dead. Bella looked peaceful like she was sleeping. Rosalie appeared in a manner that I had only seen in Esme's mind each of the nights that Rosalie had committed murder. Rosalie was crouched over Bella blood-crazed with her hair wild and eyes that spoke of insanity.

Rosalie huffed. _Who does she think she is telling me I couldn't do it?_ Then each image of each man she had murdered in cold-blood came into her mind. Next she imagined how she would do it so Bella's death looked natural. She had a medical degree. Her plan would raise no suspicions. Upon Carlisle's request, I had followed Rosalie each time she had killed in order to keep her safe. I knew how Rosalie functioned in each of those moments. Esme's mental image was far from the truth. Rosalie never once lost control and gave into the beast. I knew she could kill Bella exactly as she pictured it.

I barred my teeth, but I forced myself to stay in my chair. I knew Rosalie was fiercely loyal to the family and didn't like change, but to kill an innocent girl shocked me. She had been an innocent girl once. What I saw as hypocrisy infuriated me, while simultaneously her willingness to do anything, even this, to protect our family highlighted my inadequacies.

Carlisle looked at me.

 _Edward, please_ he and Esme nearly warned together.

 _That isn't helping_ , Esme added _._

I nodded. I composed myself. Easier said than done since I _still_ wasn't sure why I was reacting in this manner.

"Oh, darling. I know you _could_ , but I wouldn't want to see you need to," Esme attempted to explain to Rosalie.

At that Rosalie's mental indignation eased and her anger and frustration was redirected towards my failures.

Emmett was baffled at the exchanges and my behaviour. Our family had killed before, perhaps not purposefully, but Emmett couldn't wrap his mind around why I was responding protectively regarding the girl whose scent had nearly been my undoing. His thoughts begged me to not force him to defend Rosalie.

Jasper figured I must have been responding to mental messages, since he knew I only tolerated humans and didn't revere them like Carlisle. He was attempting to figure out what could cause such a strong response. My thoughts were in line with Jasper's. I was equally baffled.

Emmett was all for Jasper's third option. He didn't like the idea of Rosalie killing anyone. Discrediting Bella provided the solution to both his need to protect the family and Rosalie.

Jasper was in favour of the least risky option in his list. He rejected Alice's option because creating a newborn would constitute a higher risk. For his rejection of Alice's option I was grateful. His choice of killing Bella did not surprise me. It was tactically the most prudent move.

I figured I had come close enough to a true altercation with my brother for one night. And if Esme's mental images were any indication a true vicious fight would wound her tremendously. With great strain I successfully forced myself not to react to Jasper and instead addressed my family.

"I think the options Jasper offered in the order he presented would be dead on if we were dealing with a stranger. But we're not. We need to take into account our past experience with this human. You all have already verified her capacity to keep things to herself. She could have readily talked about how I behaved when I first met her or how I acted in the office after school. But she didn't. She never spoke a word. I'm confident that she won't say anything this time either. That should be enough for us to wait one day before ruining her life. If I'm wrong about her, then we simply plant something, as Jasper suggested in his third option. In that case, it wouldn't matter if we acted tonight or tomorrow night. We give her the chance to demonstrate her intentions and for us to observe if her previous behaviour will be indicative of her future behaviour. Is this not what just last night you each recommend I do? Given her choices thus far I can't in good conscious have her pay for my weakness."

Esme's look of pleasure could have melted glaciers.

Carlisle's thoughts were still focused on how to manage this situation.

My argument made little impact on Rosalie's, Emmett's, and Jasper's thoughts. None of them bought it and each, in their own way, dismissed it. I wasn't surprised since I had felt as if my mouth had a mind of its own. I had just gone against my own logic and guilt. Alice's, naturally, hadn't changed at all since the beginning of the conversation, but this was Alice's way.

"Then I should leave. I caused this problem."

Jasper and Alice rolled their eyes, Emmett looked hurt, and Rosalie could have sent me to hell with her look. Esme's thoughts were painful _No! You can't leave!_

 _Edward, running away from your problems and deserting us is_ not _the right answer,_ reprimanded Carlisle.

"We need your gift more than ever Edward," Jasper pointed out.

Carlisle was right. Jasper was right. And I couldn't hurt Esme. I had no option but to stay put and face the problem I created. Really, I didn't want to fight with my family. Concurrently, I couldn't seem to stop my need to defend this insignificant girl. I wanted to make them see what I saw–Bella could be trusted–that this human girl was selfless and brave. She was not a threat. I tried to point to her actions up to now. She hadn't told anyone. Wasn't that enough to wait before ruining her life?

Despite humans not being my food source, before my pleas I would have never seen one of them as worth defending. Is this the feeling that Carlisle feels when he says all life is precious? This desire to protect and keep safe? I had never considered the possibility that I could share something like this in common with Carlisle.

I felt as if I had a deeper understanding of my father today than I ever had before. I hadn't been near flowing blood like Tyler's since my embarrassment in 1950. Yet today it had barely registered. That was when the lesson I thought I had understood in 1950 came back to me. Yet this wasn't Jasper manipulating the emotional environment. This was qualitatively different.

After all these years of reading Carlisle's mind and believing that I understood him as well as he understood himself, I had been was wrong. Reading his mind was analogous to reading a book, it gave me a lot of information, but not understanding like this. Jasper's emotional translations had been helpful, yet were also not the same as this feeling of walking in someone else's shoes. Once again I was wrong and more of how I saw myself crumbled away. In that moment my understanding of my father increased and I found myself loving him even more deeply. I knew before he spoke what he would say to us, that I would work to keep my family safe, and that I could trust him with Bella's life.

Carlisle cleared his throat. The talking stopped although their thoughts made it seem to me otherwise.

"Each time that we face risks as a family I am reminded of how lucky we are to have one another. Our ties that bind us are unusual for our kind, and we each in our own way fight hard to keep us strong. I am so grateful that each of you feels so passionately, not just for your own life, but also for the family as a whole. There are none others quite like us. We live as we do by choice. We choose, although not always perfectly at times, to honour and cherish life both of our own kind and also of humans. We have made mistakes. Lives have been taken through our hands, but each time we have strove to learn from the experience and to live by our conscious even more fervently. The greatest danger before us is the chance that we might lose ourselves and risk becoming who we are not."

He looked at Alice.

"Please remember that I have vowed to not change anyone again. I cannot go back on my word."

Alice looked down at her hands. Then she searched for her vision. It was still there.

"I agree with Jasper that moving constitutes the greatest risk right now. We must first, for all our sakes," he poignantly looked at me, "minimize our exposure."

I looked down at the table ashamed.

"Yes, accidents have happened, but we do not kill innocents deliberately and risk losing the essence of who we are. You, my family, are my priority, and we _will_ do what is necessary to protect our family, but not an inch more. Assuming Edward is right, that Bella can be trusted, then we have no need to discredit her, but," as he looked at Jasper, "I think we should leave that option on the table for now."

Esme agreed with Carlisle. Emmett conceded easily. Rosalie and Alice conceded grudgingly. Not Jasper. Carlisle looked at him imploringly urging him to see the world as he saw it. Finally, Carlisle asked Jasper to speak his mind.

"I'm sorry Carlisle, I cannot in good conscious allow anything that might constitute a risk to Alice's well-being. I'm sure you can understand that."

Carlisle nodded attempting to think of something to say that would persuade Jasper. I knew that Jasper was mentally resolute. Carlisle or not Jasper would not let this pass. Just as he wouldn't of hesitated in ending me to protect Alice if necessary moments before. There was nothing in this world he wouldn't do to keep Alice safe.

In the end it was Alice. When it comes to Jasper, it's always Alice.

"Jazz, for my sake, I would really appreciate it if you didn't kill my best friend. I would be quite put out if you did." Jazz stared into her eyes with all of us watching until it was almost embarrassing. They were communicating at an emotional level with barely any thought. Then he nodded.

Then like that Alice's face was bubbly and excited again. Looking at me she asked sweetly, "So, are you going to introduce us tomorrow?" while she brought her vision of her and Bella to her mind.

"No!" My reaction was extreme for her tone and question. Jasper mentally warned me to stand down. At least time this time I used my words and didn't hurl myself.

Nevertheless, no matter what, I would not allow this girl that I had risked everything to save to become like us and lose her soul. That was absolutely unacceptable, but now was not the time for that discussion. It was a mute point anyway. None of us except Carlisle had changed anyone, and he just refused. I worked at calming myself.

"No, Alice. We _all_ are going to stay away from Bella. I will do what we agreed before the accident today. I will not kill her and I will also make sure she keeps her promise." I looked at Jasper. "And _if_ she does slip, I will inform you all immediately and we will decide what to do next."

Jasper nodded. He would hold me to that.


	15. Chapter 15: Let's Go

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

 **The reference to events in 1950 is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction. She has generously permitted me to write as if it were a part of cannon. I have done so up until her Chapter 39, which is as much as she had written when I started scratching out the framework for this story. The particular chapters referenced here are Chapters 34 & 35.**

* * *

Rosalie left the table headed towards the garage with Emmett trailing behind. Emmett had mentally already moved on to other things. With Rosalie, however, it could take months if not years till she let today go. Unfortunately, the garage isn't out of my telepathic range. However, without them in the room I was able to push their voices into the background giving me some much needed mental relief.

Shortly after, Alice moved towards to her and Jasper's room. She was seething about my refusal to introduce her to Bella. Her internal tone was disappointed as she reviewed the outcome. Simultaneously there was no doubt in her mind that her image of Bella would come true. Her belief in what she saw was completely unaffected by the meeting or by my behaviour.

Jasper followed close behind. His love for Alice and his desire to not hurt whom she saw as her new best friend was at odds with his desire to protect Alice from this threat. He was a man of his word, however, so he was creating scenarios that would keep Alice safe _and_ allowed her to have her best friend. Changing Bella was the only option he could see thus far.

As they left the room, I also pushed their mental voices into the background leaving Esme and Carlisle watching me.

 _Let's go,_ Carlisle instructed.

I was hesitant. I knew that I couldn't avoid whatever Carlisle had to say to me forever, and he wasn't going to forget. Concurrently, I had already revealed my sins to the family. Wasn't that enough? Curiously, he hadn't publically admonished me as I thought he would. Obviously, I had jumped to the wrong conclusion. Even prior to him greeting us in his office he must have decided to chastise me after the conference. Prepared to face whatever Carlisle had in store for me, I reluctantly followed behind as he grabbed Esme's hand and we three ran into the forest until we had privacy. Carlisle turned and looked at me with concern. Esme followed suit.

"Edward, more than anything we don't need miscommunication between us. There is too much at stake."

I nodded in agreement. His statement gave me hope. Maybe he wouldn't send me away. I would take whatever punishment he determined was fitting as long as he let me stay.

"I need you to be forthright with us about your thoughts and feelings."

Oh bother! I should have seen this coming. And here I thought that I had successfully avoided this. I thought of one particularly cruel whipping that I had witnessed through Jasper's memories. I think I'd prefer that to this.

His eyes turned earnest. "Let's start with when you first came to the hospital and we talked in my office. You seemed unwilling to share with me what was happening within you."

Bringing Esme along was a cruel move. If it were just Carlisle, I could have possibly talked and reasoned my way into avoiding candidness. He was forcing the very conversation I had been actively avoiding and had brought Esme knowing, assuredly, that her presence would pull out that which I had been working to keep hidden. With Esme's beautiful mental images and look of desire to heal my wounds, I couldn't intellectualize my way around his question and instead found myself unable to speak. I didn't want to talk about these things. Their combined presence was daunting. The last time they faced me together like this was when I returned the prodigal son. I would have preferred a tongue-lashing. Yet, if this was the cost I had to pay to stay I would pay it.

Finally after a long silence I muttered, "I knew that you would be disappointed with me, and I wasn't ready to hear it." Then I looked at him squarely deciding that I would face him nobly.

He came close to me while Esme moved so that her hand was on my back.

"Oh, son, what would have given you that idea?" His lips turned down and his eyes looked vexed.

"Because I broke the only rule that matters," I stated exasperated. I looked back at the ground unable to keep eye contact. Why was he forcing me to say such obvious things out loud?

"Yes. That's true," he hedged, "but you did it to save someone's life." He showed me memories of when he had risked exposure to save someone.

"But you only risked yourself!" I threw back at him.

Esme gave me a scolding yet somehow loving look. It was a look only a mother could give.

"Yes," he said sadly, "More individuals than yourself are impacted by what you did today. It doesn't change that without you Bella would have most likely died _and_ if her blood had been spilled the exposure would have likely been worse. I can't imagine how I would have chosen differently if faced with the same situation."

I lifted my head slowly chancing a glance into his eyes. His last sentence didn't seem possible, but his eyes burned with fierce love and admiration. Somehow _he_ could not see a better choice than the one I made. Somehow he was comparing himself to me, and agreeing. Certainly before my witch had entered my vicinity that had been true. How could it be true now? In those instances other family members had caused a problem and he had concurred with my plan of how to fix it. This was me causing the problem. How could he agree with something that one, I did without prior thought, and two, that had just created the greatest exposure our family had ever faced?

"Dad, I …" I struggled to vocalize the depravity that I felt.

 _We haven't talked like this as much as we probably should have over the years, but I am_ proud _of your choices today._

"How can you be?" I shook my head choosing to focus on his last thought. Just as I had pointed out in 1950 he forgave too easily. His forgiveness was cheep, but there was a big difference between forgiveness and him being proud _or_ agreeing with my action. In fact, he seemed to be denying that there was anything to forgive. That was preposterous. The family conversation we just left showed the problems I had caused. I must have erred in some way. It was the only logical conclusion.

"Edward, were you not listening?"

For a minute he almost reminded me of the role Japer had played. Instead of just arguing against me, downplaying my reaction, or withdrawing he was asking me if I had heard him. His tone was fatherly, a mixture of encouragement, openness, and firmness. The combination heartened me to do as he asked. I replayed what he said.

"I wasn't being altruistic," I countered.

"Neither was I," he replied.

I looked at him stunned.

His face fell contemplative. "Often, Edward, I act because I love the challenge. I love being able to use my skills to discover what is the issue. I love being able to make the world a slightly less painful place, but most of the time I do so because I enjoy it."

"But you hold human life to be sacred," I argued unwilling to make his words true.

"Yes, true enough, but that didn't necessarily mean I would be become a doctor. The Denalis value human life. I could have chosen a path more like theirs. It would have been easier in some ways to live separate from humans. We certainly wouldn't have to move as much." He smiled at the thought of having one permanent dwelling. "But I didn't. I chose to become a doctor because it interested me, because it engaged my mind, because it was a challenge, for many reasons, most of them out of self-interest."

I froze processing these words. He was claiming that he became a doctor out of selfish motivation. That seemed profane.

He had been watching me carefully and something must have shown on my features because again I felt as if he were channelling Jasper.

"Are you refusing to accept my words?"

I slowly came out of my stillness and looked at him. "No … It's just hard to swallow."

"What?" he asked curiously. "That I am often selfishly motivated?" he guessed.

I nodded.

"Oh, Edward, you are not seeing me clearly. I might occasionally act altruistically and I certainly try to minimize harm, but I acted from selfishness when I changed you and particularly Esme." He looked lovingly at her, but there was also something else lingering in his thoughts. I would almost say there was reservation, a lingering doubt that he did the right thing. "The same is true of my choice of being a doctor. I don't expect you to be me. Please, Edward, don't place me on a pedestal. I am not perfect. Please hear me when I say that I am _proud_ of what you did today."

I shook my head again.

"Can you not accept, Edward, that I am proud that you saved a life, no matter the motivation?"

"But I–"

"–Nothing. Let it go. There was a risk. You acted. We will never know if there was a less risky choice, but that now is irrelevant. Let go of any doubt in your choice. Accept that you made the choice. Now we have to work within the consequences. It seems that Bella is willing to conceal your actions despite what she saw. Perhaps it is providence."

The fact that he had interrupted me frustrated me. Had Jasper not scolded him for refusing to hear my perspective, and jumping to fixing things for me? At the same time, everything since that fateful day in Biology had been so overwhelming that his words felt comforting. Once more I felt reassured that I could count on him.

He smiled and looked at Esme. This was the joke that I was missing, but it was minor in comparison to the whirlpool of emotions surging through me. I knew his words reflected his worldview. This is how he handled life. He was encouraging me to do the same. That teeny tiny thought that I had previously that I might have misinterpreted his sentiments burst through rearranging my thinking patterns. A new thought arose. He was not going to discipline me because he did not see my actions in need of discipline. His pride in me combined with the fact that I had saved a life overruled, for him, any chastisement. He really didn't believe there was anything in need of forgiveness. Huh. That made logical sense from Carlisle's point of view. It seemed that was he had been trying to tell me this all along. I didn't know what to do with that. How had I missed it? I re-evaluated his reactions, particularly in the car.

"You're not upset with me?" I checked.

"No." He smiled pleased. "However, I _am_ worried about what might happen if this girl changes her mind. We have no treaty with her like we did the wolves and any encouragement of her silence that we might offer would only expose us more. I am deeply concerned about the welfare of this family." He smiled slight, "But, no, I'm not upset with you. I am proud. I am especially proud of how you handled yourself considering how appealing her scent is to you. I am also impressed and pleased about how you came to ask for help, told us everything that happened holding nothing back, and acknowledged your limitations. These things show your growth." While he spoke he was showing me comparisons of my choices now to before.

Esme's thoughts echoed Carlisle's concerns and, naturally, pride for me.

I nodded. I vehemently disagreed with his evaluation in my exposing the family, even if he believed that I made the best choice in the moment, there was no way that the conflict my actions caused could equal blamelessness. However, I objectively I couldn't find fault with his assessment that I had improved how I had handled things today in comparison to my failure at medical school. Like my experience with Esme after Bella left the hospital, I accepted that what he said was the world as he saw it. It wasn't mine, but that was okay. The fact that he had shut me down when I tried to express the pain exposing our family had brought to me lingered. I could accept that he was proud of my improved choices under pressure, but without an acknowledgement of what Rosalie saw so clearly I dismissed the rest.

"Edward?" he asked drawing me out of my musings. "What happened with Alice tonight?"

I thought back. "I don't know, really. I acted before I thought."

The corners of Carlisle's mouth threatened to turn upwards. "Did the same happen in the parking lot?"

I nodded. I wasn't about to tell him the mysterious thought I had after I started running and before I reached her. "Near enough."

"Alright. Edward, you _must_ be especially careful around Bella. She is causing you to have strong uncharacteristic reactions. Don't misunderstand me. I was pleased to see you defending Bella's right to live her human life, but be careful. She has the potential to destroy us all. In the end, I know you will do right by your family."

"Okay, Dad." He put his hand on my shoulder.

Esme put her arm around my side and squeezed.

I did not deserve the way he saw me. Rosalie was right. Not Carlisle. Whether his forgiveness was cheap or not, what he said combined with his faith in me to fix the problem soothed me and strengthened me to do what he asked in order to redeem myself. I might still be a soulless monster and killer, but I was one who was wanted by both my sire and his mate, even if he refused to acknowledge my degeneracy. Intellectually I knew this should be enough. In some forbidding corner of my self I wished that he had forced an admission of my iniquity. I was too much of a coward to do so otherwise. It left me with the feeling that he only cherished the façade Edward. It was more than I deserved, and I should be content with even having that, yet I wasn't and I resented that he shunned the very truth of what he made me into.

"Shall we hunt?" He looked at me and then Esme.

"Race you," I yelled as I sped off. I closed off that grim corner of myself giving myself fully to the run. It felt good.

When we arrived back home he reminded me, _Be careful about Bella._ Then he added _I know you'll do right by us_ right before he got to his office and I pushed his thoughts into the background. Yes, Dad, I thought sarcastically, it's not like I have the capacity to forget.

Esme took her hands and grabbed mine. _You are the best and brightest of us all, Edward. Follow your heart. It will not lead you or us astray._ "Stop thinking so much," she emphasized. _Remember what I said. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Saving someone's life is honourable._ With that she was gone. I was left with just the usual background chatter and my own thoughts.

Our family survived intact from a rift that had contained the possibility to drive us apart. Esme was the most relieved. I don't know if she could live life fully without us. Certainly the storm was not over. We all knew that. The coming six hours at school would be the worst, but I would do what was right by my family. I had made the mess. I would stay and clean it up.

I went to go play the piano in an attempt to sort my thoughts and clear my mind.

As the sun rose I went to find Alice. _What do_ you _want?_

I knock on the door, even though I know they both heard me, mostly to be polite for Jasper's sake. "May I come in?"

"Sure," I heard Jasper answer. His thoughts of how to protect the family if today went badly entered my consciousness.

I opened the door, but stood in the doorway. I nodded at Jasper and turned my attention to Alice. "I just was hoping you could tell me if I'm okay to go to school."

I felt like a little kid having to ask my mommy for permission. No wonder Jasper pushes himself. I bet he doesn't want to have to ask Alice either. So frustrating! I waited.

Most of the time when Alice gets a vision, it comes to her involuntarily. It just pops into her head and she can't help herself. Those ones are solid, almost entirely reliable because they are based on events that have already occurred. Her vision of Bella looked like that kind. But she can also search out the future like I'm asking her to do now. The searching is more unreliable because it's based on decisions that are not concretely made yet, often intersecting many individuals, and fluctuating wildly.

"Looks good. No car crashes. No deaths by your hand."

"Thanks Alice." I turned and closed the door behind me. _You can't keep me from my best friend forever!_

She was still upset. That's okay. I could live with Alice upset. Better than the alternatives.

I drove us all to school in the Volvo. The tension was palatable. Finally only minutes to school, in an attempt to relieve the tension and the screaming in my head, I joked, "Come on now, what's the chance of there being a car accident two days in a row?"

Emmett responded, "With your luck? You want to bet on it?" Then he smiled wildly. Emmett will bet on anything. And things thawed, not totally, but enough. Today would determine ours as well as Bella's fate. The stakes couldn't be higher. And just to make the day that much more torturous I had to face the witch sent to destroy me.

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 _A/N: Thank you readers for wandering with me with all that Bella didn't know happened with the Cullens._


	16. Chapter 16: Penance

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

 **The reference to events in 1950 is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction. She has generously permitted me to write as if it were a part of cannon. I have done so up until her Chapter 39, which is as much as she had written when I started scratching out the framework for this story.**

* * *

In general, while attending Forks High I tuned out the student body. To save off boredom I have listened into a few choice entertaining minds, but I had never done here what I was about to do. I had agreed to let in every voice, every student, every teacher, and every staff member to the janitor. No one could escape within my radius. As I did, I scanned to make sure that not one thought contained anything that demonstrated seeing something out of the ordinary, hearing anything extraordinary, or remembering anything odd. This, of course, excluded Isabella Swan, my personal tormentor. The influx of the hoards of thoughts felt like I was pushed into a small confined space without ventilation that was so densely crowded that movement was impossible. A can of sardines would have had more room.

I understood that I deserved this penance. I deserved my siblings' indignation. I would do my duty, I would protect my family, and I would endure the unpleasantness my atonement required. I was, after all, the only one of Carlisle's creations that had chosen to walk away from vegetarianism. Even Jasper, who still yearns to taste the flavour of human blood again and is not Carlisle's creation, has not consciously chosen to take a human life in the fifty-five years since he joined our family. Yes, I came back. My return didn't change that redemption for my sins was impossible. I chose to leave and I chose to take the lives of all those souls. Nothing could undo my sins, but as I learned in 1950 I could make amends to the pain those years caused Esme and Carlisle.

I would make amends again. Penance in payment for my family's forgiveness felt reassuring. This small suffering was what I could offer in atonement. I had attempted to prove my worth through the years by the use of my gift and doing what was necessary to cover up my family's slips. To do the same act for my own crime was befitting punishment. So, in a way, I welcomed the undesirable feeling of opening my mind to so many thoughts. I dared to hope that with this sacrifice I could earn back my rightful place in the family. With stubbornness and resolve, I would endure because Rosalie was right. It was my mess.

I expected that once we got to school I would have heard something of note. Certainly, people talked about the accident, but my name was hardly mentioned. It was like they didn't see me there at all. I was uncertain about how I felt about being so invisible to them. Rationally, I knew it was a good thing and that was how I had purposefully engineered my existence here.

I sat through first period repetitively reminding myself of my need for punishment when the crowded stuffy feeling in my head begged for me to quit. I listened as people thought to ask Bella about the accident, hungry for gossip. I heard their internal disappointment when she didn't give them what they asked for. I went through the same thing again next period. Having Emmett in my third class did take an edge off. He doesn't take much seriously. As someone who has been accused of taking life too seriously, he is my perfect antidote. He also knew that I needed to pay attention to things outside of class, so he let me be unless class participation was unavoidable. I didn't have that support as I went to my next class alone.

Tuning into the humans in the building required consciously dialling down my siblings. After many years of living together, their voices always came in clearer, louder, and from a further distance than others. As I came into the cafeteria for lunch, their internal voices refused to be pushed aside making it more difficult to mentally keep track of the humans. Alice was radiant and smug. Jasper and Emmett were impressed about what they had heard, and Rosalie was still indignant. We sat at our regular table.

"Anything to report?" Jasper asked in our usual sub-human mumble.

In the past, that had been my role, but given that I was the source of the problem, it seemed appropriate, yet a coarse reminder of my fall from grace. Everyone shook his or her head no.

"Well, Edward, so far so good." _I'm glad for Carlisle's sake that it's looking decent,_ Jasper added.

We were all relieved, I more than anyone.

"Let's see what the rest of the day holds," Jasper concluded.

We all nodded in agreement.

I looked at Alice. "What's the forecast?"

"Still good," she replied for everyone's benefit while the pictures of the next few hours flew through her mind.

We spent the rest of lunch each focused on our task. I worked especially hard to ignore that Bella was in the cafeteria with us. Although her scent was vaguely recognizable amidst the repugnant smells of food and human body odour, now that it was seared into my brain I couldn't help but pick it up. It had been too hidden that first day, but as I reviewed my memory it had been there, albeit even more marginally. It was an unwelcomed reminder of her presence.

As the bell rang, I went to face Biology. I would have to sit next to Bella.

I decided that I was simply too dangerous of a creature to have conversations with her. I had already done enough damage, and it wasn't worth taking the chance that I'd mess something up again. Bella probably would decide I was some arrogant jerk instead of the gentleman that I wanted her to see. I wasn't really sure when I started caring about what Bella thought of me. I dismissed the thought. Ultimately it made no difference. The family had agreed to let her be for now. For her safety and my sanity ignoring her would be best. I also had other motives for my decision. Selfishly, I wanted to meet Esme's vision of me as a hero. I wanted to be honourable and protect my family. Perhaps most significantly Carlisle's words _Be careful about Bella,_ and _I know you'll do right by us_ guided me. He knew humans better than all of us combined. I _would_ be careful and do what was right. This was the best way.

My decision firmly in place I walked to Biology making sure to take a deep breath before entering class. As I walked, I heard Alice's strings of irritations flung at me because I was ruining her chance of having her best friend in her life. Alice was just like that. She loved Bella in her vision even if Bella in reality was our greatest danger. To Alice her visions were truer than her walking life. I loved Alice for it. Right now though it was getting on my nerves. Remembering that frustration and irritation seem to make the monster worse, I worked at calming myself as I took my regular seat in Biology.

I knew Bella had walked into class even without my sense of smell. It was like I was tuned into her in a way that made no sense. I reasoned that it was because she was the bane of my existence. Even though I was acutely aware of her presence, of every move she made, I pretended that she was invisible. This was what I had decided, I reminded myself, while every muscle wanted to turn and look at her. I was doing what was best. Then she had the audacity to speak to me kindly as if I weren't a monster, but as if I were a man.

"Hello, Edward," she said pleasantly.

How much in that moment I wanted to talk to her, to ask her things. I repeated over and over to myself all the reasons I had for this course of action. I realised ignoring her completely might cause her to make a scene. Humans don't like to be ignored, so I turned my head fractionally looking towards the teacher, nodded once, and then looked away from her.

My throat still ached and the monster was still there, but there was something else. Something deep inside near my core was awakening. It was the oddest sensation and I didn't know what it was. I pushed it aside and focused on the multitude of human thoughts I was cramming into my brain.

The rest of the week was like this. My family listened and made sure our secret was intact until people stopped talking about the accident entirely. Once my siblings felt sufficiently confident that Bella would keep her word, I stopped opening my mind to everyone, and just focused on those who had contact with Bella. I wanted to make sure that she didn't slip. She never did. I listed all my excuses as to why doing this was justified. I became fascinated to learn more about the conjurer for my doom.

Every once in a while, while we sat an average of 14.8 inches from one another, the air in the room would move and the full power of my tormentor's scent would impale upon me. In reflex I would tighten my body and force the monster back into its cage. It was these moments that cleared from my head any lingering doubt that I had made the right choice by ignoring her. For my family's sake and hers this imposed glass wall between us was best. That didn't stop me, however, from using my gift to stalk her. I listened into people's mental noise when they spoke to her, I puzzled over other people's understanding of her, and most importantly, I told myself, I learned more about her so I could thwart her. I was still keeping my lists.

I had a whole bunch of things on the "not normal for humans" column, a few in the "normal human" column, and almost nothing anymore in the "yet to be determined" column. I also was building a list of her character. She was shy, didn't like attention, intelligent, selfish, but not a martyr who wanted an audience, responsible, brave, kind, and good. In all the ways that mattered she was the opposite of me. I was a demon; she was an angel, albeit a very fragile breakable angel, but an angel none the less. No wonder she was my tormenter. It made sense now. Only an angel could have created so much chaos in a creature of the night like me, especially an angel who ran a high risk of her blood removing itself from the capsule meant to contain it.

Every night I when I arrived home I would run. I ran for the feeling of running, how free I felt. I ran so that my head didn't pick up others' thoughts including my family's. I ran to try to get away from myself, to quiet my own thoughts, to flee my tormentor. I ran so that I didn't have to be around my family in their pairs and I could avoid interacting with them. I hunted, but alone and quickly, not enjoying the hunt or the blood that came with it. I fed simply so that I wasn't a greater danger. Six weeks passed like this.

After the first week, my family seemed to relax, except Alice who was still mad at me because she longed for her best-friend vision Bella. Rosalie still replayed our last table conference, but had reduced the insults hurled at me. No one seemed to like the Edward I had turned into. Occasionally I would hear concern in their thoughts, but they were kind enough to not make enquiries. I often caught a worrisome or weary eye from Carlisle or Esme, but generally they kept their thoughts to themselves. However, one day Carlisle caught me right before school.

"Edward, is there anything going on that I need to be concerned about?" He watched me carefully.

I guessed that him asking out loud was for Esme's benefit. Sure enough, _Oh, good, he did get a chance to ask_ were her thoughts with a tone of relief. As Esme's mental voice came in, so did everyone else's. They each had their own version of gratitude for him asking. I wondered if he was aware of my siblings' reactions. This is exactly why I went running every night. I didn't need their pity. I pushed them into the background and focused on how to get out of this conversation and any possible follow-up ones.

"No. I've improved my capacity to resist her scent and I haven't spoken to her since the accident."

 _I'm worried about you, son. You_ must _come and talk to me if anything changes._

"I will," I responded fervently hoping this would put an end to his inquiries.

He nodded and put his hand on my shoulder before walking away. _Well, perhaps she was wrong. I'll have to talk to Esme. She'll be disappointed. Probably for the best though._ Then his thoughts shifted to preparing for work as if he had not intended for me to hear that and had just caught himself in time. Made no sense to me, anyway. I figured it probably had something to do between them. As I hadn't been home I was no longer privy to those conversations.

No one could fault me for failing to do my duty. My present habits were a small price to pay. My choices had resulted in my family members each moving on from the incident as much as they were able. My penance was paid. I had earned a place in my family once again. It wasn't quite pre-Bella, but then I wasn't pre-Bella Edward. I wasn't sure what to do about that, thus the running. Although it wasn't really solving anything, no one in my family had ever faced a situation like this. We were all in new territory. The only course of action I saw in front of me was to continue as things were until I graduated from Forks High.

It wasn't a usual day in any particular way. In fact, it was exactly how my life had been since the day I returned to school after I saved Bella. A dance was coming up in the school. I was vaguely aware of the event due to my continued monitoring of Bella. It was girl's choice. I had been curious that Bella never asked anyone out. I wondered if she didn't see the boys' interest in her. She had already shown herself to be quite observant, so that seemed like an unlikely explanation. I wondered whom she would be attracted to. I was beginning to wonder if I spent too much of my time thinking about Bella and watching Bella in my unusual way. My flimsy excuses in the beginning didn't hold up anymore. Yet, still I persisted. I couldn't explain it. I didn't know what was happening to me, and I didn't want to ask anyone. I was only aware of the fact that being at school had become more interesting than ever before. I wrapped myself in my rhetoric and accepted the torturous unsettling feeling Bella gave me as my penance for wanting her blood.

Then, on this day in Biology, Mike came in. I knew already that he was planning on asking Bella out despite it being girl's choice. I heard him mentally lining up the words that he was certain would get a yes from Bella. I really didn't like Mike. From listening to his thoughts over the last weeks I knew that he didn't really see her as she was. He saw an imaginary creature he had invented in his mind. I knew that he wanted her because she was pretty and the new shiny toy at school. He didn't really care about her. So, yes, I pretty much detested Mike. He came over to our table as had become the custom since the car accident and talked to Bella before the bell rang each of us pretending that the other didn't exist. Today, though, he came with his agenda.


	17. Chapter 17: Oh no!

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

"So, Jessica asked me to the spring dance," Mike said while looking at the floor. For some reason his approach irritated me. It was so cowardly.

"That's great," she answered with enthusiasm.

I could hear his internal disappointment. That was not the answer he desired or even expected.

"You'll have a lot of fun with Jessica," she finished.

Even in letting him down she was kind about it, helping ease his ego. Thoughtfully kind. That was another quality to add to my list.

"Well . . ." He thought about giving up and accepting her answer, but decided against that course. "I told her I had to think about it." He was pleased with himself now, expecting her to positively respond to his courage.

"Why would you do that?" she asked with disappointment in her tone, but there was also a hint of relief. Mike didn't hear the relief, merely the disapproval of him.

His face was bright pink as he looked down again. I could hear his heart beating faster. I could guess he was angry. Despite that he continued with a polite tone, "I was wondering if . . . well, if you might be planning to ask me." Finally there it was, the truth of what he wanted to say.

As if I was seeing one of Alice's visions, Bella's future was laid out in front of me. With the qualities I had acquired about her it was only time until she said yes. Maybe not to Mike, maybe even not for another 6 years, after college, but eventually she would say yes to someone. I could see her saying yes, walking down the isle to meet him surrounded by friends and family, them having children together, growing old together, and dying together. This was what it meant to be human. It was why I saved her, right? So that she could have those human experiences? Why, then, was I sitting here with an agitated feeling as if I needed to protect her from the very natural and appropriate course of her life?

In that moment I wanted to crush Mike's skull and obliterate all the other boys that had shown interest in her. What was wrong with me? What was this emotion that was filling my body taking me over? It wasn't the monster. It, I knew really well. No, this was something else entirely, and I didn't have a name for it. It was so extremely foreign to me.

"Mike, I think you should tell her yes," was Bella's response.

"Did you already ask someone?" Mike's eyes flickered in my direction with images of beating me up.

It was then that I realised that I had tilted my head reflectively in her direction. I had betrayed, without meaning to, my interest. I needed to be more careful. I was slipping. I could see the images in Mike's head and recognized that I had similar ones. Curiously, I examined his thoughts and saw in them many of the same that I held towards him. I had heard similar thoughts in others before. I had watched over the years how Jasper named an emotion he came in contact with. I struggled to imitate his technique in order to identify the unknown emotion swirling inside me. Suddenly, I knew what was seeping into every crevasse of my being: jealousy. I was jealous? I was jealous of this puny insignificant boy because of my witch, my tormenter? The feeling was entirely different than I expected. And I didn't know what do to with my realization. What reason did I have to be jealous?

As I searched myself attempting to find answers, I heard Bella answer assuredly, "No, I'm not going to the dance at all."

I felt relief like a cool balm had been put on my scorching skin. What an odd sensation since my skin was usually the temperature of ice. One more thing I hadn't experience before and had no name for. Great!

"Why not?" Mike demanded.

I found how he addressed her rude. It certainly wasn't the way to speak to a lady. I observed myself desiring to punch him merely out of a sense of chivalry. Saving a human's life was one thing. Defending a trifling girl's chivalry had never occurred to me before in my existence. What was wrong with me? Was this a symptom of jealousy, to shield the girl? No, I ultimately decided. Jealousy did not create a wanting to defend a girl's honour. Jealousy was being upset that someone had something you did not. But Bella had just said no to him. He did not have her, and certainly it was irrevocably illogical for me to want her. Either way it was not the same feeling. Hmm. There was something else going on, some unknown feeling that I had been running from, suppressing, denying until this moment filled with the fire of jealousy and then the cool balm that came after.

"I'm going to Seattle that Saturday," she explained.

Most human girls liked dances, they wanted to go, why then was she going to Seattle instead? I was absolutely confused and insatiably curious. I focused entirely on what she might have meant knowing in some infinitesimally small part of me that I was also avoiding that not-jealous feeling.

"Can't you go some other weekend?"

There was that feeling again reacting to this rude demanding way that Mike asked. My need to preserve her honour and reprimand him for speaking to a lady in such a manner rose up. I knew boys were not raised to be gentlemen anymore, but that didn't stop me from wanting to educate him.

"Sorry, no. So you shouldn't make Jess wait any longer – it's rude."

Her concern for Jessica was within her character. Was she just letting him down easy? Did she have someone she admired, but didn't have the courage to ask? I had listed her as brave, but maybe when it came to the matters of the heart she wasn't? I had so many questions and no answers.

"Yeah, you're right," Mike mumbled dejected and walked back to his seat.

The curiosity was too much; I needed to know, to understand what was happening in her mind. Once again I concentrated attempting to penetrate her mind to see what she was thinking. And still nothing.

She looked up. Probably she had felt my gaze. As I looked into her eyes, I felt as if I'd come home. I was at peace and still. I wanted nothing more than this moment. Then I saw in the reflection of her eyes my own face, the blackness of my eyes, not coal black, but still showing that I needed to hunt. Yet she didn't look away. The blackness didn't scare her, even though it should have. The last time my eyes were black she had been seconds away from death.

In that moment I knew that this incredible amazing girl, this angel saw me, saw me in a way that no human ever had before. That was not good.

Mr. Banner called my name and asked me a question. I picked the answer out of his brain, turned toward him, and said, "The Krebs Cycle." This required taking my eyes away from the angel sitting next to me.

I felt warmth fill my body. It craved to reach out and touch her just to have her closer to me. I searched for the answer to what this was. Then in dawned on me. This feeling was attraction. I, the monster, was attracted to the angel. This is why I felt obligated to defend her. It was so clear now. It was absurdly preposterous. A demon could not desire an angel. I could never deserve her, and yet I wanted her. A sensation like the monster came up, but this came from a different place, and I found myself coveting her, wanting to take her and make her mine. Oh no! This was unequivocally worse.

In that moment I was the most elated I had ever been in my existence and the most hallow, as if my world had been ripped out from under me. My only salvation was in that place that her eyes took me where I was at peace and everything was calm. In the stupidest moves of my existence because it signalled my inability to rein in my desire, I gazed at her again. While I had answered the teacher, she had looked down and hidden herself behind her hair. She never lifted her gaze.

While I stared at her, a war was being fought inside of me. The monster saw my desire as the opportunity to lay waste to the delectably desirous blood flowing in the veins of the angel next to me. It stormed out of its cage. My throat was on fire. Every inch of my body wanted to take her, to have her, to taste her, to consume her. The monster and the desire merged and separated, fighting each other for dominance. I knew whichever one won it would be bad for the angel. Death on one hand and stalked by a creature of the night on the other.

The best option for this angel would be if she didn't have similar feelings. She would remain the angel, live her life without a demon in it, and I would embrace this new and even more sinister torment: to never have the object of my affection return my sentiments. Even those thoughts sounded cruel, though. How could she be thought of as an object? She was nothing short of divine. Maybe rather, it would be like to have known the warmth of the sun and then live the rest of life in a dank, dark cell. I knew that existence already. I had felt very much that way for most of my years away from Carlisle and Esme. If subsisting in that space was what it would take to keep me out of the angel's life, I would do it without question.

The next option, the one that sent my body on fire was if she returned my affection. This left two possibilities. One, she remained human and we lived together until the end of her life. Two, she was turned and joined me in my world. This last option was the worst I could do, the most selfish: to take the soul out of an angel and condemn her to the shadows. I had already taken too many souls. I could not take this one. The mere idea was blasphemous. Alice's vision rose into my consciousness. I pushed it away refusing it to become true. I would not ask her to return my inappropriate sentiments. That would be wrong.

The last option would be for me to leave. Leave and by doing so force her into option one, allowing her to live her life without me in it. For this option to work, I would have to convince my family to leave as well. To do that would require facing the inquiries of Rosalie and then decades of resentment. I could never admit my sentiments to my family. They could never know that I felt this way about a human, and not just any human, no, the human that had it in her power to annihilate us. The question was how to hide it, especially from Jasper and Alice, and avoid having to tell my dad.

How could this have become my reality?

Then the bell rang and class was over. I didn't know what to do. I had never faced such a crossroads in my existence. Bella gathered up her things. I didn't want her to leave.

"Bella?" I said almost involuntarily as if my desire had overridden my senses, but it could have been the monster. I really wasn't sure.

She turned toward me slowly, almost wearily, her expression of surprise but something else, like she was waiting to be slapped again. Did I cause that expression? I wanted to caress her cheek and keep her safe, but I held myself in check. There it was again, the irrational desire to be closer to her. I reminded myself that she shouldn't trust me and her reaction was probably in her best interest. It was by far better than her having an equal wish to touch me as I did her. Certainly, option one was really the best for all parties concerned.

"What? Are you speaking to me again?" she asked with a tone of irritation and guardedness.

I found it brave that she would speak to me thus, the monster that wanted to kill her so badly, with a tone that contained no fear as if I were her equal. I wanted to smile, but I knew that would be inappropriate, so I controlled my face. I thought about her question. Was I speaking to her again? I wanted to, but I shouldn't. I shouldn't for her sake. I shouldn't for my family's sake.

"No, not really," I admitted, feeling ashamed.

I reminded myself why I had constructed the glass wall between us six weeks ago. Now more than ever, she held my doom.

She closed her eyes. Why did she do that? I felt like I was falling. Did she not know how important her eyes were to me? She had no reason to; I had never told her. So, instead I listened to her heart and intake of breath as she inhaled slowly through her nose. She grinded her teeth.

I wasn't sure if humans do that regularly and, if they did, what it meant. I waited. I was impatient, but I waited. It seemed rude not to, and I didn't want to be petulant and petty like Mike. No, I could certainly be more of a gentleman than Mike. I would wait.

Keeping her eyes closed, she asked, "Then what do you want, Edward?"

The thrill of hearing my name on her tongue! It was like having angels sing gloriously. Her talking while her eyes were closed seemed particularly odd though for human behaviour. I couldn't recall ever seeing that happen before. Maybe I just needed to pay more attention. I added it to my "yet to be determined" column.

What _did_ I want? I wanted things that were bad for her, bad for my family. I wanted nothing good. I was the villain after all. I couldn't tell her that. How to answer her, then? With the truth, a truth at least, I decided. It was the least I could give her for honouring her side of our bargain, even if I had not honoured mine.

"I'm sorry. I'm being very rude, I know. But it's better this way, really."

She opened her eyes and the world righted itself again. I really wasn't sure if I could continue to ignore her. I liked her looking at me too much.

"I don't know what you mean," she admitted with hesitancy.

I couldn't explain. I really couldn't. I was already risking too much, but I didn't want to lie.

"It's better if we're not friends. Trust me."

I was warning her. The honourable part of me hoped she would understand and choose option one. I had warned her before, but I wasn't sure she remembered.

Her eyes narrowed and her teeth clenched shut. I guess she did remember. "It's too bad you didn't figure that out earlier," she hissed through her teeth. "You could have saved yourself all this regret."

"Regret?" The word was out of my mouth before I had a chance to rein it in. I considered all the possibilities of how she could have possible reached that conclusion. I was baffled. "Regret for what?"

What was she really saying? Again, this girl had me confused and in knots. What was she doing to me?

"For not just letting that stupid car squish me."

My jaw dropped open. I was openly astonished. I stared at her in disbelief unsure of what to say. How could she think _that_? Why one earth would I regret saving her? That was the day my mother said I was a hero, and for a short time I felt like I could be more than a monster. I regretted the danger it put my family in, certainly, but not once had I regretted saving her. How dare she attempt to rob me of my one redeeming act!

"You think I regret saving your life?" It came out harsher than I meant to say it.

I tried again, but could not imagine how she could have possibly reached that conclusion.

"I _know_ you do," she countered with force.

It was like the angel came to the Virgin Mary and said, oops, we made a mistake, you're not actually worthy, sorry about that. I wasn't able to take that as a reality.

"You don't know anything," I said harshly, fighting back the weight that the good and honourable act that had caused my father to say that he was proud of me was being robbed from me. Maybe me saving an angel deserved some sort of special punishment. Maybe her mind was just so absolutely different than most humans that it was made for my personal agony. Maybe this was what happens when an angel was in human form.

My attempt to defend my honour might have been too much, because she sharply turned her head from me, clenched her jaw, gathered her books, stood, and walked towards the door. I thought about walking with her, but then I remembered what I had just said, it would be better if we weren't friends, so I watched her leave. Just as she was at the door, the toe of her boot caught the doorjamb and her books scattered to the floor. Not helping her was simply unreasonably rude as no one else was in the room. I went over and had them all picked up before she went to bend down to get them. I scolded myself for moving so quickly. There was no need to give her additional evidence. My father was right. She did cause me to behave uncharacteristically. I handed the books to her remembering not to breathe.

"Thank you," she said icily.

Her tone allowed me to be equally cold. It's better this way, I reminded myself. "You're welcome."

She straightened up, turned away from me, and marched off without looking back. I stood in the doorway watching her until I could no longer see her. Then I went to my next class. I spent the period going over and over what just happened. What on earth was I going to do? And worse, how could keep it from my family? By the end of the period I hadn't found one way to keep it from Alice or Jasper. My only chance was that Alice hadn't been watching me, but even then my encounter could have changed the future. And I had a hard time controlling my emotions in general let alone in such a way that Jasper wouldn't pick it up. My only hope was that they wouldn't say anything, but that seemed unlikely long-term. I knew, however, that if it did come out I'd never hear the end of it.

Emmett and I ended up walking to the car together. He seemed to notice there was something different about me. As his mind attempted to find the right description, he settled on hopeful. Is that what I looked like from the outside? I didn't feel hopeful. Did I have something to hope for? See, even Emmett noticed. Keeping it from them seemed tenuous at best.

While we walked I heard two other boys, Eric and Tyler thinking about how to ask Bella to the dance now that she had turned down Mike. I saw Eric in the parking lot waiting for her, and I knew from Tyler's thoughts that he was being held up in class, but on his way. Wanting to see Bella's responses to these two challengers, I asked Emmett to wait there for the others, while I went to the Volvo. Emmett complied with a confused and concerned look. He really is a great brother.


	18. Chapter 18: I Could Never

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. All of the dialogue from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun remains hers.**

* * *

"Hey, Eric," Bella said in what sounded to be a friendly tone.

Maybe here was where her heart laid. All of a sudden I was jittery inside like everything was moving too fast but creating a vice grip on my chest. What was that? I knew that the honourable part of me wanted her to find happiness, especially not with me. While the dishonourable part of me that wanted to claim her as mine wished to obliterate this irrelevant child named Eric. His thoughts were a jumbled mess. I could empathise. She seemed to be having the same effect on me.

"Hi, Bella," he responded with obvious nervousness in his voice.

"What's up?"

He attempted to put his thoughts into a coherent order.

"Uh, I was just wondering … if you would go to the spring dance with me?"

She seemed genuinely surprised.

Had she not seen how interesting she was or how many of the boys thought about her? Perhaps I needed to re-evaluate my assessment that she was observant. I decided that the jittery feeling was anxiety. Could our kind have anxiety attacks? I was _not_ asking Carlisle. What reason could there be for me to feel anxious? I was practically indestructible and had nothing to fear.

"I thought it was girls' choice," she answered with a hint of irritation in her voice.

How much I wish I could have heard her thoughts in that moment.

"Well, yeah," he admitted bashfully while blood filled his cheeks. His thoughts again became all jumbled.

I felt slightly bad for him. His thoughts were much kinder than Mike's. Over the last six weeks I had found his thoughts, overall, to appreciate Bella as a person and not just see her as a toy. I hadn't welcomed his fantasies. A part of me was glad to see him squirm.

"Thank you for asking me, but I'm going to be in Seattle that day."

I found myself pleased at her refusal. My jitteriness also subsided. Was this an aspect of jealousy? Was my wish to make her mine so strong that her rejection of other possible suitors pleased me? None of these possibilities led me in a direction that was honourable.

"Oh. Well, maybe next time." His thoughts were frantic.

I sure hoped not. Then I reminded myself again about being a gentleman and how it really was an impossible relationship between us.

"Sure," she said while biting her lip, her nervous habit.

He didn't even seem to be aware of her reaction only of the rejection. He slouched off, back to school, the opposite direction of his car, his thought only of escape and holding it together. As I passed her car to get the Volvo I heard her sigh with relief. Most girls are pleased to be asked out not relieved to say no. Inadvertently I laughed out loud. She looked at me, but keeping my eyes forward I pretended that I didn't see her looking, and worked very hard to hide my grin.

I went into the Volvo and pulled out blocking her in allowing Tyler the opportunity to ask her to the dance. I did this for a number of reasons. One, I was curious to whether Tyler held her interest. If he did, then it would resolve my quandary. Two, after my amusement in watching her reject Eric I was expecting it to be just as comical.

My siblings sauntered over allowing Tyler the time he needed. As I checked my rear-view mirror it looked like she wished she had a tank to run me over, not that it would hurt me or anything, but the idea was hilarious and I started to laugh. I saw Tyler pull out of his parking spot and wave at her, trying to get her attention. When that failed, he got out of his vehicle, and knocked on her door. She jumped in surprise. She tried to get the window to go down, but stopped her attempt when it was only halfway.

His thoughts were clear and ordered. He was confident she was interested. In fact, he'd only let Mike ask first because of their friendship.

"I'm sorry, Tyler, I'm stuck behind Cullen." She said my name with daggers attached. She was definitely angry with me.

"Oh, I know – I just wanted to ask you something while we're trapped here."

Her look was priceless. She had the combination of wishing she could hide under a rock and fierce irritation.

"Will you ask me to the spring dance?" He was much more confident than Eric, a little cocky if you ask me. His thoughts regarding Bella were somewhere between Mike and Eric. He liked the idea of having Bella be his date more than he saw Bella for the angel that she is.

This would be good.

Sharply, like she's run out of patience for the day, she said, "I'm not going to be in town, Tyler."

"Yeah, Mike said that," he admitted. His thoughts immediately weighed up the possibilities.

"Then why – " she looked horrified and irritated at the unpleasantness.

He shrugged. "I was hoping you were just letting him down easy."

"Sorry, Tyler, I am really am going out of town." Her face was attempting kindness, but her eyes were still fierce.

 _Good, she didn't say no. Since she's new, she probably made plans before she knew there's be a dance._

That was all I needed to know. She was not interested in these three. I liked that idea, but then whom did she like? I was not sure I wanted the answer. Either way I needed to reconstruct the glass wall between us for everyone's safety, not least of all hers.

"That's cool. We still have prom." And then he went back to his car without any impact to his ego. He was pleased that she had said yes to prom.

By the time that my siblings entered the car I was roaring with laughter. Certainly this was a better mood than I had been over the last seven weeks since Bella entered our lives, but they were confused.

"What gives?" asked Emmett, but I just couldn't stop laughing. His thoughts tried to figure out what had caused my drastic mood swing.

"Can we go already?" asked Rosalie. Her mental irritation was minimal.

Jasper was both pleased and concerned at my new mood.

With my mission complete I hit the gas and sped home.

"Can I talk to her now?" blurted out Alice. _Oh, please. This is going to be great. I'm going to take her shopping, and she can try on make-up, and …_

She showed me two futures: I kill Bella or Alice and Bella running together.

"No."

Alice looked dejected. "Why not?"

"I don't know what the future holds." Then Alice gave me one of her looks like: but I do stupid. "What's the point anyway, if I'm just going to kill her?" I countered.

"Point taken."

"Enjoy your run," Rosalie said sarcastically as we arrived home.

I ran. However, unlike the last six weeks today I stopped shortly after and hunted, then sat and thought. Mostly I considered my options. Carlisle would have been getting home soon when the sound of Alice running towards me entered my ears. My remaining hopes of keeping this from her were dashed. I contemplated running off, but knew there was no point. She would be relentless, so I just waited for her. Better to have the conversation here.

"Hello, freak," I called out to her.

 _You're giving me a headache. Make up your mind already._

"Sorry."

I was sorry my indecision had brought her here, and felt bad that I had caused her discomfort.

She came close enough that she slowed down and started walking.

 _Want to talk about it?_

"Not really."

 _Could you anyway? For my sake, please?_

How could I say no? How many times had Alice done something for me? She annoyed me to no end, but I loved her and appreciated her. And I missed her.

"You know I suck at these conversations, pipsqueak?"

 _You talk. I'll listen. Then I'll look ahead and see if we can do anything to keep her alive._

"Fine, but no squealing."

She looked at me sternly. "You can't keep it a secret."

I sagged, bringing my head to my knees. "I don't even know what's going on. I can't take the speculating."

She looked at my squarely, and nodded. She wouldn't say anything unless questioned directly. "I'll do my best to keep _my_ thoughts still," she offered.

I returned her gaze. "It's not your fault."

"I can still do what I can."

I nodded contemplating where to begin. "The urge to kill her is still just as strong as ever, but comingled are new urges and desires that emerged today. In Biology class I realized that I was jealous, which is something I've never experienced before, so it was quite confusing." It felt good saying it out loud like releasing a blocked valve.

She gave me her half-smile.

"Then in trying to figure out that new sensation and to understand what was going on within me, I realised that I am attracted to her. I want her Alice. I covet the very creature I want to kill."

Then I started rocking and Alice just sat with me. With a forlorn expression, I continued. "I don't want to kill her, Alice. I don't, but her scent is so strong. It's a miracle I didn't kill her the first day I met her, but I didn't. I don't know how I didn't, but I didn't. And now I want her. Not to kill her, no something far worse. I want her to be _mine_ , but I don't want to be that kind of creature either. I hunted those types of creatures, the types that wanted to own and possess a woman, who treated a woman like she was an object to be had rather than something precious." The grief and agony was all over my face.

Alice merely sat there mentally humming to herself watching me.

After quite a while of silence, she spoke. "This really isn't my field of expertise," and smiled.

I smiled back. "No, I suppose not."

"I loved Jasper from the first moment I saw him in a vision. I knew from the vision that he was mine. I didn't have to struggle or wonder." Then she thought about her vision of our Cullen clan and joining us, and then of Bella as one of us.

I winced.

"Sorry."

"You didn't mean it."

"No, but I'm still sorry."

We sat there for a while in silence, her humming internally and me lost in my thoughts.

Eventually she said, "Want to tell me what you think are your options? It might help."

I really didn't.

"They aren't good ones."

She nodded even though I knew she didn't agree.

I explained the options I had considered. "I keep thinking that leaving is the best option, but as I sat here trying to imagine leaving it was as if I couldn't. Somehow, it's like my physical body automatically rejects the idea. I do not believe that I am strong enough to leave now."

She checked to see if that was an option. It wasn't there at all. The closest possibility she saw was me assembling the family,them reluctantly agreeing, but then me not being able to follow through.

I steadied myself. It's one thing to think it; it's another to have it confirmed. My own weakness astonished me.

"If I don't have the strength to leave, then how will I ever have the strength to resist her blood?"

She pondered. "I don't think they're the same kind of pull. You've left her alive her for over seven weeks now, so you know you can resist that. This thing you experienced today doesn't seem related to me. This seems to pull on a different kind of desire." At the last sentence she smiled cheekily and with a slight playfulness in her tone.

"Alice," I chided. "I could never."

"Never, what, brother? Actually find someone attractive in _that_ way?" I was embarrassed and she knew it. "It's fine Edward. Attraction is a natural part of living. You are single after all." She smiled sweetly. "But that's not the point here. It seems that your indecision is resulting from not having enough information to refine your options."

I just nodded. The idea of having to face the question of how Bella felt for me sounded painful. I had no desire to experience her repulsion.

Alice pondered again. She tilted her head to the side. _I think that she does feel the same as you._

"How is that even possible?" I ask incredulously.

 _That's the only way my visions make sense._

"Alice," I warned.

"Well, up till today I saw her dead by your hand or as my best friend."

"Uh-huh." I tried to see where she was going with this.

 _The events didn't change. I still see the same two possibilities, but their quality kept changing after lunch._

"Show me how they look now."

So she showed me. Sure enough the one of my angel dead by my hand was still there, but foggy, harder to make out. Then Alice showed me the one of her running with Bella. Now it was vibrant like watching a video. I knew what this meant. The chance of Bella dying at my hand had decreased and the chance of her become Alice's best friend had increased.

"Somehow your awareness of your feelings today has changed it," she concluded with relief that she understood what had been happening to her.

"No!" I screamed in revulsion, jumping up. "I will not choose a path that leads her to becoming like us!"

How could I ever condemn this angel to purgatory? She did not belong in the shadows, and I refused to be so selfish as to bring her into my world. Death would be more agreeable than living an eternity knowing that I had brought the angel out of heaven. Humanity wasn't heaven, but it was sure closer than where I stood.

"Maybe I'm wrong, then." Alice had never been wrong about that kind of vision, and she knew it. There had to be another way.

"Show me another way Alice. These cannot be the only possibilities." She tried, but nothing showed but jumbled messes.

"Sorry."

"This cannot be."

"Sorry."

At that I sprinted. All my life I had never experienced anything like this. Here an angel had crossed my path, and her only options were death or to become a monster like me. It was too much to bear. I knew Alice wouldn't catch me given my speed. Alice was surmising. She didn't really _know_ Bella's feelings toward me. She was assuming that because she already loved Bella. While running I reasoned that if only Bella would reject me as she had those boys today then I would be able to make the noble choice; I would find the strength to leave. In the most unlikely of chances that Alice was right that Bella did have affection toward me, then I would keep her safe and she would live her human life. Those were the only two options I could live with. Neither was ideal for me, but they were far superior to what Alice saw.

Suddenly I slowed down enough to recognize that my feet had brought me to Forks, to the boundary of her home. In the drive were her truck and her father's cruiser. I listened. Everyone in the neighbourhood was in bed, including Bella and her father. I craved to see her face, and to make sure that she was okay. I argued with myself. Checking on her would not help reconstructing the glass wall. This angel did not deserve a demon stalking her, checking on her. Simultaneously, I reasoned that I could easily go through the front door, but since I didn't want to leave breaking and entering evidence, especially at the house of the sheriff, a different approach was needed. It was a two-story house. Most people don't have locks on their upstairs windows.

I jumped up before the honourable part of me could stop myself. My father's words about uncharacteristic behaviours rang loud in my ear. Dangling from the eave above the window with one hand, I looked through the glass, intending to drop as I did. Instead, I was dazzled and froze. It was her room. She was lying on the one small bed, her covers on the floor, her legs twisted in her sheets. As I watched, she tossed and turned. She did not sleep restfully, at least not tonight. Was she aware of the danger so near to her?

As I went to leave, she muttered, "Okay, Mom." The crease on her forehead returned and the sides of her mouth turn downward into a frown.

I wanted to comfort her somehow and to help bring the smile back to her face. Maybe, I pondered, she was cold remembering that she didn't like the cold. Maybe I could help whatever dream she was having and end her frown by putting the blanket back on her. I argued with myself. Was it just some flimsy excuse to get closer to her? Could I be in her room with her scent so strong and not harm her?

What was I doing here? I reminded myself of when I rebelled against Carlisle and Esme and stalked my prey. This was way worse than some peeping-tom. I was disgusted with myself. I had thought that I had left that all behind when I came back to them. I didn't want to be a stalker, and I didn't want her to be my prey.


	19. Chapter 19: Leave Me Alone

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it remains hers.**

* * *

Eventually I decided that I wouldn't be doing any harm to offer her the small kindness I was able. I would cover her up. She wouldn't know of my kindness, but that didn't matter. It was the only token of appreciation for her keeping her word that I had to give. Even the gentleman in me couldn't argue against dong something kind for her. I would simply take one step into the room and then check myself. If I couldn't handle it, I would leave.

I went to open the window gingerly. Not surprisingly it was slightly stubborn from little use. With much more noise than I would of liked … maybe I could fix that for her … I opened the window without her waking. Her scent assaulted me. It wrapped itself around me like a fog seeping in. The monster roared out of its cage. I dropped to the ground. This was exactly why I was no good for her. I checked to make sure no one could see me then took some deep breaths. Down here her scent was in the air, but less intoxicating. I forced the monster back where it belonged.

This was a terrible idea. I went to leave, but remembered that the window was left open. I had already caused enough suspicion; there was no need to create more. So, I jumped up again holding onto the eave. Looking in as I went to close the window she still seemed quite unhappy. The blanket was right there on the floor. Surely I could just slip in, put it on her, slip out and give her this small gift. I took in a deep breath. Sure, my throat was on fire and my body tensed preparing to pounce, but this time the fog wasn't there. I could do this. I slipped into her room taking a moment to check myself. As a distraction I looked around her room.

Her room was small—disorganized but not dirty. There were piles of books next to her bed, the spines facing away from me, and CDs scattered next to her inexpensive CD player—the one on top was just a clear jewel case. Stacks of papers surrounded the computer that belonged in a museum dedicated to obsolete technology. Shoes dotted the wooden floor. Curiosity overwhelmed my brain. What books were those? What music was she listening to? Why didn't she have a decently working computer? What did she keep in the closet? The questions were endless. Before going to investigate I decided that poking around her room while she was asleep was going too far.

As if moving in slow motion, I took one step at a time towards her blanket. Each step aroused the arguments I already knew thoroughly between what was best for Bella and what had driven me to this moment. After each step I stopped, checked the monster, and continued my internal debate. I was nearly at her blanket when she clearly spoke, "Edward."

I froze. Did I wake her up? Her voice sounded like she was awake, but her eyes were still closed. I listened to her heart and breathing rhythms. No, she seemed asleep. Was she dreaming of me? At that thought I felt this warm glow start from my core and spread through every inch of me. Was it possible that Alice had been right? Was it possible that she was interested in me as a woman to a man? But I am not a man, I reminded myself. I am a monster. It must be because she didn't know what I really was. If she knew, she wouldn't say my name in her sleep.

When I interacted with humans their thoughts invariably evaluated my otherness. Their bodies responded to the danger, even if they didn't understand it. Even if they never put the pieces together, over and over, every second of every day while around humans I am reminded that I am not human, that I am other, and that I am a danger. So, how was it possible that this girl would say my name? She was observant. Did she not recognise the danger I posed to her, especially as I had tried to warn her?

"Edward," she mumbled softly. The same sensation yet more intensely spread through me as my name escaped her lips. I felt like putty. Somehow my cold stone body was no longer ridged, no longer stone, and this girl, this tormenter turned angel, had somehow transformed me. Overwhelmed from this new sensation I quickly put the blanket on her and sat down in her rocking chair situated in the corner.

Intellectually I knew that I should leave. My good deed was done, yet I couldn't seem to move. Sitting was unnecessary. I could have easily stood, but somehow in this moment sitting seemed like what I needed. I wasn't even certain if I could get my legs to carry me away. It was as if the man I once was and never became was being awoken. How did this girl have such power over me? How could she so radically transform me? How could she resurrect something I didn't even know existed within me?

I thought over Carlisle and Esme's courtship and over Rosalie and Emmett's. I had observed these pairings. Their thoughts had portrayed a delicate dance that moved them towards one another. Could what happened to them be what I was experiencing? I remembered Esme saying what an electric current could indicate … second to the change, finding your mate was the most profound transformation our kind experienced. I froze. Is that what has been happening? Was Bella my mate?

The world was spinning again. How could this be? I evaluated the evidence. The signs were all there. This must be why I was so pulled to her. This must be why I didn't like being away from her. This also explained my irrational drive to protect her. As the pieces started falling into place, I feel deeper and deeper into a hole of despair. This was so wrong, so wrong, on so many levels. I had been wrong. This wasn't attraction, this was much worse. Why was this happening to me? How could a creature like me ever be mated to a delicate blossom like her without her destruction? This was absolutely the worst thing that could have happened.

I pondered my options with this new awareness. Nothing had changed, and everything had changed. I understood now the possibilities that Alice had shown me. I now knew why Bella's death had faded. I also knew how I could still kill her. She was so fragile. I would have to be extremely careful. I would have to have complete control all times. One wrong movement would be the end of her. I could be strong enough to keep Bella safe. I knew leaving was still her best option; it would take extreme courage and strength from me, as well as absolute selflessness. Alice was right, I wasn't strong enough yet for that, but I could work on it. Maybe in a few weeks? I would work towards becoming that strong.

For the first time I could understand Rosalie's selfish request to ask Carlisle to change Emmett and how in my absolute depravity I might do the same, allowing Bella to be with me forever, but Emmett had been dying and Bella was alive. There had to be a way around Alice's vision. I could work on that too–protecting Bella, keeping her safe like I had with the van, keeping her alive and human. I would do that until I found the strength to walk away for good. The sun would be rising soon. I needed to leave. With a heavy heart I exited, making sure to close the window.

When I got home my family's thoughts indicated that they all had assumed that I had spent the night running again, except Alice's. I bet she had kept tabs on me. Well, there was nothing I could do about that and she had promised. I ran up the side of the house into my bedroom window, showered, and changed to get Bella's scent off me. I hid my clothes in the back of my closet.

 _Not coming with us in the Volvo?_ Alice asked.

"No, Alice, I'm not coming with you to school." I said it so that the whole house heard. I sat down at the piano needing a distraction, something to get my mind off the violent and contradictory feelings I was having.

 _If you change your mind, there will be blood testing in Biology._

As Jasper and Alice came down the stairs, I looked at Alice and nodded. Then I looked at Jasper. He had a look that mixed confusion with a grimace.

"I'm sorry," I said as I stopped playing and looked at him. "I am working on it."

He nodded. There were days when I would have easily traded his gift with mine. Today was not one of those days.

Esme came over to the piano and sat down on the bench with me. She seemed to intuitively know that I needed to talk to her, but that I wasn't ready. Carlisle was already at the hospital. When my siblings were out of hearing range I brought the song that I was playing to an end and turned to her.

"Mom, what did you mean in the car about the electric current?" I looked at her imploringly.

She suddenly looked embarrassed. "Well, do you remember that Carlisle and I met at the hospital when I was 16 and broke my leg." I nodded. Yes, I knew that part. "Well, I felt a type of current, more like a static electricity, but similar each time Carlisle would visit me."

My jaw dropped open as I shook my head.

Oh this might be even worse than I imagined! If Esme felt that when she was human, then there was a chance, however slim, that Bella could have a similar experience. This was far worse than Alice's assumptions.

Glumly I asked, "What do I do, Mom?" and looked down at her lap intently as if the fabric of her clothes held the answer.

"What does your heart say?" Of course she would ask the very question I didn't want to answer.

I admitted with much defeat, "I want her too much." The agony and despair that had overcome me last night were written on my face.

"Does she return your affection?" she asked hopefully. My mother is a romantic through and through.

I dared to look up. "I don't know."

"Do you want to know?"

Now there was a good question. Did I actually want to know if she returned my affection, even though the answer would be no? Was I brave enough to be rejected?

"I don't know, mom. I'm not very good for her."

 _Isn't that for her to decide?_ The forcefulness of the thought was stunning. "Love doesn't always come in convenient or conventional packages. Your father and I are an example of that."

Was this love? I thought of the feeling Jasper accidently had sent out a few times over the years when he looked at Alice. No, I wasn't feeling that. Nonetheless, suddenly hiding from Bella sounded cowardly. Had I not admonished Mike for being cowardly? Certainly I could do better than Mike. She would reject me anyway. Undoubtedly I had faced worse things in my existence than a no from a human girl. Then I could get on with things and put this behind me.

"Thanks, Mom," I said sprinting out the door running to school.

My siblings were already there, of course. I waited in the trees watching as Bella drove into the lot sending daggers to my Volvo from her eyes. What was the point of all my musings since it was merely unrequited attraction? I certainly deserved rejection.

My mom had a point that in my arrogance and self-absorption I had failed to consider. I had not given Bella the opportunity to say no to me. This gave me a way out of my despair and agony. Surely sixteen-year-old Esme would not have desired Carlisle, despite his qualities, if she had known _what_ he was. But she hadn't known and then he had saved her from death, so she had accepted what she had become. We all had accepted our fate and learned to make the best of it, but we wouldn't have chosen it. There was no way someone as selfless and good like Bella would choose to be what we are. I simply needed to ensure in some way that she understood the danger I posed to her, and in case there was any truth to Alice's assumptions, to stack the desk so that she could say no to me without betraying my family.

When no one was watching I walked out of the trees considering my options, attempting to decide when would be best to approach her when she dropped her keys in a puddle. Knowing how she disliked cold and wet things as well as wanting to act on my desire to be chivalrous, I quickly went over and removed them from the water before she could become upright. I leaned casually against her truck wanting to appear calm hoping that I might be honoured to gaze into her eyes again.

"How do you _do_ that?" she asked incredulously but irritated. Yup. She was still upset with me. I should have expected that. Maybe I could use her anger as leverage to receive the no I was certain she would say.

"Do what?" attempting to sound innocent while I held out the key for her.

She reached for it and I dropped it in her palm making sure that our skin didn't touch.

"Appear out of thin air."

Right. Extremely observant and didn't let things go. I couldn't answer, but maybe I could joke, tease? I hadn't really tried that approach yet. It also gave me the benefit of questioning what she had seen without insulting her. "Bella, it's not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant." I said this quite softly so that someone else would not had overheard my teasing and embarrass her. Remembering how much she hated being embarrassed I didn't want to tip the scales of her anger so that she betrayed me.

She scowled. Maybe she didn't like my joke, maybe she didn't like being teased, or maybe she read my hidden intention. I mean how much did I really know about her? Looking into her eyes I wasn't sure what I saw, perhaps fear? It was hard to tell. Her heartbeat sped. Was this a confirmation that she was afraid? Maybe angry? I wasn't certain. Then she looked down taking with her the momentary sense of calm I had.

"Why the traffic jam last night?" she demanded still looking at the ground. "I thought you were supposed to be pretending I don't exist, not irritating me to death."

Her looking at the ground while talking seemed like odd behaviour for a human. I added that to my "yet to be determined" column. Noting that there were a number of similar actions in that column I wondered if that meant anything. I couldn't tell her my truth, but certainly I could tell her this truth. I remembered the promise I made myself yesterday in Biology. I would tell the truth as much as possible. I didn't think she was going to like the answer, but perhaps that could work in my favour.

"That was for Tyler's sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance."

Her reaction was still priceless. Even though I tried not to laugh, a snicker came out.

She looked enraged. Hopefully I hadn't pushed her over that edge. "You … " she gasped.

Her anger was so adorable so perfectly harmless. I tried to keep a straight face, but I wasn't doing a great job.

I had to try to explain. I couldn't risk her saying something in retribution. How to explain without risking our secret and my family? It might have seemed to her like I had been pretending she didn't exist, but I haven't been, not really. On the other hand, I was not going to admit to how I had been keeping tabs on her. Nope, not doing that, but I also wanted to keep to the truth, so I figured I would keep going as if I hadn't noticed her line of questioning.

"And I'm not pretending you don't exist."

"So you _are_ trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler's van didn't do the job?"

This again! Why was she convinced that I didn't want to save her? Why did she insist on trying to take away the one good act I've done in my existence?

Before I fully thought through the words, I blurted out coldly, "Bella, you are utterly absurd."

Her heart rate increased again and she turned her back stomping away through the rain. Oh, man! I blew it again! I really was no good at this.

"Wait."

She wasn't slowing at all, so I caught up to her and matched her pace. Even though I had the right to defend myself, and she was absolutely wrong, she didn't really know me. I really didn't have the right to be so forceful with her. An apology seemed to be in order.

"I'm sorry, that was rude. I'm not saying it isn't true," I still need to be honest, right? "But it was rude to say it, anyway."

She kept her pace. She must really be upset. "Why won't you leave me alone?" she grumbled.

Did she want to be left alone? Or was she just saying this out of anger? Was this the no I was waiting for? I couldn't be sure.

I tried to leave you alone, Bella. I couldn't. I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry. I wish I were stronger. The only way I know to end this is to take my mother's advise and let you say no. Then I would have my answer. When you say no, I will be a gentleman and leave you alone. I am strong enough for that.

"I wanted to ask you something, but you sidetracked me."

My mind pulled back to her attempts at being fierce causing me to chuckle again.

"Do you have a multiple personality disorder?" she asked severely.

It probably did seem that way to her with how much quicker my mind worked to hers and my behaviour lately. I didn't want her to think of me that way, but I didn't have a good answer. How did I want her to think of me? Now that was a dangerous question. I quickly dismissed it. Anything I said that could lead to traps needed to avoid. The best way to avoid them, I reasoned, was to keep focused on the task at hand: getting the no.

"You're doing it again," I responded hoping this would drop the last question and keep us on the conversation I was trying to have.

She sighed like talking to me was a great burden. "Fine then. What do you want to ask?"

I was ready to be put out of my misery. "I was wondering if, a week from Saturday – you know, the day of the spring dance –"


	20. Chapter 20: She Said Yes?

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

"Are you trying to be _funny_?"

Yes, I was a little, but obviously she didn't find it funny. Suddenly I wondered if a human had ever interrupted me. I scanned my memories. Yes, three times, all males, and all with exceptionally rude belligerent minds. She wasn't rude or belligerent, at least according to what I knew about her. What purpose did she have for interrupting me, then?

She wheeled around towards me.

The comparison between them and Bella brought me great amusement.

"Will you please allow me to finish?" I asked.

It seemed like she really didn't want to go to the dance. I didn't understand that, but Bella was uncommonly not human-like in many ways. Trying to force her to go to a dance she appeared to be avoiding seemed unhelpful to my purpose. I wanted the best chance for her to say a true no. Asking if I could join her in her plans seemed like the more logical course. If she didn't want me to join her, then I could, with a clear conscious, conclude that she was not interested in me and leave her alone.

"I heard you say," yes, I checked my memory, I did hear her say it to Mike when I was within human hearing distance, "you were going to Seattle that day, and I was wondering if you wanted a ride."

It was, of course, after the words were out that I considered the ramification. I had been so focused on getting an answer from her that I had forgotten for a moment that I am a monster and a killer. Too late I realized that my offer would require us being in a considerable small space for at least an hour. I brushed that issue aside, confident with her saying no.

She froze. If it weren't for her heartbeat I would have wondered if she was of my kind. It didn't last long, but it was very non-human behaviour.

"What?" she asked incredulously.

Did she not hear me? Maybe I was talking too softly for her ears. I really didn't know for sure. So I said, a little louder and slower, "Do you want a ride to Seattle?"

"With who?" she asked dumbstruck.

Now I knew from direct contact evidence that this girl was fairly intelligent for a human and I was fairly certain that I had spoken at a volume and speed that she could understand especially since she had answered me. I wondered what could be causing her confusion. Maybe the rain was impeding her hearing or clarity of thought. What did I really know about how the human brain worked?

This time I spoke a little louder and even slower. "Myself, obviously."

She still hadn't moved much. She seemed stuck in place.

" _Why?_ "

She wanted to know why? Couldn't she just put me out of my misery and give me her answer. I needed a good reasonable human excuse.

"Well, I was planning to go to Seattle in the next few weeks, and," adding a bit of chivalry wouldn't hurt would it? "To be honest, I'm not sure if your truck can make it."

I really didn't like the idea of her driving _that_ truck to Seattle. There were just too many chances of it breaking down and I had already internally committed to keeping her safe till I had the strength to leave.

She turned to walk again.

"My truck works just fine, thank you very much for your concern."

She seemed upset in some odd way, not her usual kind of upset. Did I say something rude? I didn't think so. She hadn't actually given me an answer though. Pressing her for an answer seemed ungentlemanly and I _was_ genuinely concerned about her truck making it there and back. I considered how to convey that in a human way.

Matching her pace again, I proposed, "but can your truck make it there on one tank of gas?"

That seemed reasonable. Each time she stopped she would be exposing herself to potential danger.

"I don't see how that is any of your business."

Okay, so I had offended her oddly enough. I didn't know how. She also _still_ hadn't given me an answer. I thought I'd try a joke again. Did I even know what constitutes as humour for a human?

"The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business," I tried.

She didn't laugh.

Hum.

"Honestly, Edward." That sensation of warmth starting from my core and moving to my toes and fingertips went through me again on hearing my name on her lips. "I can't keep up with you. I thought you didn't want to be my friend."

Is that what she thought I said? This was also full of landmines. I needed to be truthful without giving anything away.

"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be."

Could she hear my imploring, my sadness, my turmoil, my desire to make her mine, and my repulsion of my own desire?

With heavy sarcasm in her voice, "Oh, thanks, now that's _all_ cleared up."

We had come under the shelter of the cafeteria roof. She stopped and turned. I got to look into her eyes and that sense of coming home filled me again. She was still upset. She also seemed to be confused. I didn't know how to tell the truth and give nothing away. I had spent eighty-seven year lying to humans or charming them into getting what I wanted. I was good at that. I wasn't even that great at being honest with my family. This was absolutely new territory. Hadn't my mom just told me was an honour it is to have new experiences? Uh … I felt heavy suddenly.

"It would be more …" what would the right word here be? " _prudent_ for you not to be my friend." Yes, this is the truth. Can you see it Bella? You're observant and smart. Certainly you can see that I am not good for you? Truth, right? "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you Bella."

Can you hear the reverence I give your name? Can you hear my anguish? My torment? If you could, would you care? Can you understand how I'm trying to deny my very nature in order to do what is best for you? I stared into her eyes hoping that she would see the truth in my words.

"Will you go with me to Seattle?" I repeated ready to have my torment over.

For better or worse, this was the purpose of my approaching you today, Bella. I need you to send me away so you can be safe from me. This was the moment of truth. I waited. She didn't seem to move. Her heartbeat was doing odd things as well as her breathing. Was she scared? She should be! What was she thinking? But I didn't ask. I just waited.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity she nodded her head. She said yes! She said yes? Not good. A smile came through on my face before I knew what was happening. My body was filled with an unknown energy that wanted to propel me to run faster than I ever have before simply for the joy of it. Who knew such a simple gesture could bring me excitement that I'd never felt before? I tried to name it. Jubilance, perhaps? I was in real trouble. My own body was betraying what was best for her. She wasn't supposed to say yes. I knew, though, that until she accepted that I was dangerous to her, it was an ignorant yes. So, it wasn't really a yes. Somehow I needed to convey the seriousness of the situation, the danger she was putting herself in. The thought about us in a car together for that distance stormed back. That could definitely be a problem if I didn't want to kill her.

With the gravity of the situation in my voice I added, "You really _should_ stay away from me." The part of me that responded to my name on her lips didn't really want her to stay away. I didn't know if I could endure more of the last six weeks. "I'll see you in class."

Then before she could change her mind or I say something I regretted I turned leaving those deep brown eyes and walked back the way we'd come even though it wasn't the direction of my class. I was doing what Eric did, looking for an escape, but not because she had said no. I was fleeing because she said yes. My brain was in a flurry trying to figure out how things went so wrong.

I got to class just as the bell rung. Very close for me, but no one noticed particularly. The teacher was mentally surprised, but said nothing. I sat alone as usual and spent my time as I had these past six weeks picking up on other people's thoughts of Bella. Mike's were still the loudest and clearest, but I was often disgusted with the way he thought, especially about females, so I tried not to listen to him too much. I did though keep note of all the things he did that I didn't like, in order that I could make sure to behave more regally than him. Jessica's were the next clearest, but her pettiness and insincerity towards Bella made her almost as unbearable as Mike. Angela's were the best. She was honest and kind. She seemed to be one of those people who was genuinely content in life.

I was feeling particularly generous and appreciative of Angela, as her thoughts were gentle to listen to. I was trying, apart from learning more about Bella, to figure out if there was a gift I could get Angela. I was also using my above-human hearing to listen to conversations Bella engaged in. She didn't really say much. She seemed to listen more. I wasn't sure why she listened more than talked, so I add it to my "yet to be determined" list. It was also interesting to listen to Bella's teacher's thoughts of her.

It seemed after all these weeks of surveillance … (Stalking maybe? I considered the logical argument of whether using my special talent in this way would be considered stalking. Stalking seemed to have ill intent to it. Did I have ill intent? Possibly. I needed to question my own sense of honour soon.) … of Bella that no one seemed to know much about her. Angela liked her because they shared similar characteristics, but no one seemed to know what her favourite colour was or what music she listened to. Bella seemed to hold herself apart from everyone, separate in a way, as if she didn't belong. I wondered why that was. She seemed to respond to conversation when prompted, but quickly turned conversations so that they weren't about her. I began to understand why she had kept my secret. She didn't _want_ to be the centre of attention. She wanted people to stop asking her questions. Maybe I could trust, not just that she would keep quiet, but in her own nature to avoid conversations having to do with herself.

I was compiling all the assessments and opinions I had of Bella on my way to my second class when I realized that most people, teachers especially, considered her clumsy. Hadn't Carlisle mentioned something like that? I went through all the snippets of information I now had from others thoughts about Bella. I laughed out loud. When I did lots of students looked at me in the hall and thought, _What's his problem? Freak that is Cullen._ Or at least something along those lines. I needed to be more careful. I was so much in my own world that I had forgotten about appearances. Carlisle and her teachers had reached that conclusion easily, but I had missed it. I wondered what else I had missed? I would need to pay even greater attention.

My next class was advanced Spanish with Emmett. Even though he was a senior he didn't really like different languages, and I loved them. This resulted in us in the same class. It was nice to have a class with my siblings. It made the period more manageable even though technically Alice and I were the juniors and Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper were seniors. It was the biggest downside of having Rosalie and Jasper play twins. Emmett and Rosalie wanted to be in the same grade, and whatever grade they were in Jasper must be in by default. Sometimes we were all the same grade together, but we've learned that in a small school like Forks High it raises too many suspicions when more than two of us are in the same class.

When I walked in Emmett noticed my jovial mood. _What's so funny?_

"Bella's clumsy."

He looked at me dumbfounded like he couldn't possibly understand how that was funny.

I just shrugged.

 _You know you've lost it, bro._

I gave him a look like get lost.

He tried to contain a smile.

Mrs. Barwick started class. Emmett knew the words, but he didn't have the ear for it, so it sounded like Spanish words with a Tennessee accent. I thought it was hilarious. Obviously once he heard the phrase or word he could repeat it perfectly like all of us Cullens, but till then I really had to work to hold my face together. The best part of Spanish was that since we sat together we were often partnered. He said whatever we were supposed to be repeating while he thought rude translations to me. It wasn't very gentlemanly, but it was quite entertaining.

Mrs. Barwick's was explaining future tense verb conjugations.

 _Want to go hunting this weekend starting Friday? It's supposed to be sunny_.

I didn't answer.

 _Come on, bro. The bears will just be coming out of hibernation. They'll be crabby. It'll be great._

I knew it would make Emmett happy, so I nod yes. It would be good to spend some time with him. I needed to mend bridges.

The bell rang.

"Em, I'm going to sit with Bella for lunch."

"Rosalie's not going to like that."

"I know Emmett."

 _What's with you and this girl? First you want to devour her and now you what, want to_ devour _her?_ And then he started laughing so hard internally that he couldn't help himself and started laughing at his own joke.

"You're a funny guy, Emmett," I sneered back.

He just kept laughing while we each went off towards our fourth periods.

He would find Rosalie before lunch. I was certain Alice already knew and would tell Jasper. Everyone was covered. I considered the option of reconstructing the glass wall between Bella and I. Seemed too late now. Darn Esme.

Since Bella had said yes, albeit non-verbally, I had concluded that she did so because she was under the influence of my persuasive capacities. Therefore, it was not a yes given of her own free will. I still wasn't sure how I had done that since she responded to things so oddly. Therefore, I was uncertain how I could make sure not to repeat whatever mistake I had made. Lunch would be my only chance today to get the no I was confident Bella meant to give, as I wasn't going to Biology. I needed to make the most of it. I would pay for sitting with her once we were home, but I was determined to fix my failure. Once I had my no, then I would be free to return to how our family was before she disturbed my existence.

I rushed to the cafeteria and managed to be one of the first ones there. I purposefully took a table that hardly anyone sat in knowing that no one would join me and I could have the table just for the two of us. I tried to sit patiently and nonchalantly as students filed in hiding my anxiety and excitement.

When my family came in there was no surprise in their thoughts.

Rosalie stomped past me with an _Idiot_ , which is mild for her considering what I was about to do.

Emmett's thoughts had not changed since Spanish.

Jasper gave me a half-smile. He was relieved to see me in a better mood. _Good luck._ There was a teasing tone in his words.

 _Are you going to introduce me now?_ Alice wanted to know.

"Keep out of it, Alice," I insisted in a sub-human tone.

 _Fine be stubborn. It'll happen eventually._

I sighed. Betting against Alice is usually a bad idea, especially when the vision is that clear. This only reminded me of how bad I was for Bella and what a bad idea her yes had been. This was my chance to change that to get her to say no for her own good.

Jasper looked at me curious tasting my volatile mood.

Just then Bella walked in to the cafeteria and my whole countenance changed. Once again my body rebelled against what I knew was for the best. Without looking I knew where she was, I felt more centred and grounded, and calmer like she made the world feel sane.

 _Really?_ was Jasper's thought. I instantly knew that Jasper knew I was attracted to her. There was no hiding it. He didn't get the interest. He still sees humans as forbidden food. Anyway, his and Alice's meeting was very unconventional. As long as there was no risk to the family, particularly to Alice, he was fine. And Alice had already made her feelings about Bella clear. I looked at him pleading.

 _Fine, Edward, I won't say anything for now, but you can't hide these kinds of things._ Then Jasper added, _Good luck._ There was a tone of "you're going to need it".

I nodded slightly back even though I didn't understand the implication of his tone. I would have to thank him later either way.

I watched as Bella, this incredible human who had somehow turned my world upside down, entered the cafeteria. When did I start thinking of her as incredible? No, I told myself, this was my tormentor.

She was listening while Jessica talked about the upcoming dance. She seemed content to just make reassuring noises so Jessica knew she was listening. She didn't see me as she got in line. I watched as she looked where my siblings sat without me. Her face dropped like she was sad. Was there hurt on her features as well? I couldn't tell. She continued to follow Jessica, but seemed to be suddenly paying attention to her feet. That was odd. She got nothing from the line except a bottle of lemonade. Was that enough nutrition? From my medical training it didn't seem like it. Was she anorexic? Did she not usually eat at school? Did she not feel well? So many options came up. Unlike Carlisle who had hands on training, I never actually became board certified.

Even though I was not particularly fond of Jessica's head, I was appreciative that right then Jessica almost panting said to Bella, "Edward Cullen is staring at you again. I wonder why he's sitting along today."

Right then Bella looked up, followed her gaze, and I got to see Bella's beautiful brown eyes looking at me. I was smiling my friendly, I'm-not-going-to-kill-you smile. She seemed uncertain and a bit confused. In hopes of making my intentions clear I raised a hand and motioned for her to come join me with my index finger.


	21. Chapter 21: The Failed 'No'

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

"Does he mean you?" Jessica asked Bella astonished with nasty jealous remarks in her head.

I wished there was some way that I could protect Bella from Jessica's pettiness, but there was no way to do so without giving too much of myself away. I began scheming on some possibilities.

"Maybe he needs help with his Biology homework," Bella muttered.

Did she really think I needed help? Was she just making up an excuse? Was she keeping our conversation this morning a secret? Was she attempting to comfort Jessica? If she was either in some way attempting to aid me or comfort Jessica it would make her more selfless than I had concluded, and affirm that I didn't deserve her.

"Um, I'd better go see what he wants."

Did she feel obligated? I hoped not. A part of me that I wasn't willing to acknowledge wanted her to be saying yes to being near me. I pushed that part of me aside reminding myself of the no that I needed from her.

Jessica stared with her jaw open as Bella walked to my table, then sat down with her friends in a huff.

When Bella reached the table I was sitting at she stood behind the chair across from me.

Was she afraid? Did my warnings get through? Was she about to say no? Most of me hoped she was. Simultaneously, I was so confused I didn't know what to think or feel. I did know that I felt calm looking into her eyes. I wanted her closer, but that didn't seem wise, so instead I figured I'd let her choose. Her choosing was what this whole scene was about anyway.

"Why don't you sit with me today?" I asked smiling ruefully.

Was I giving her enough room to choose? I thought about the question again. No, it had been presumptuous. Combined with her kindness and selflessness, she might have taken it as a request rather than an option. I would have to work on that.

She sat down. Was that a yes? Again, I wanted her to choose, but, really, I hadn't given her enough room to say no. I was glad she sat, but I was also upset with myself. I wanted her to say no, not yes because of my powers of persuasion. Obviously, she had meant to say no, but my lure had forced a yes out of her. Just like this yes of sitting here with me, her yes to Seattle wasn't a full yes, a true yes.

I decided that I would wait for her to talk. I had already been too pushy, too demanding. I reminded myself to be softer, gentler in the future, assuming she hadn't sat down to explain to me that she actually didn't want me to go with her to Seattle and then stood back up and walked away. Telling me to get lost would be the best option for her. But till then, while I kept her safe, I would practise being a gentleman. So far I hadn't done so well.

The mental and well as verbal comments regarding Bella and I sitting together were ripe throughout the cafeteria. The mental comments painted me especially poorly by most. I purposefully pushed everyone's voice into the background and gave the angel sitting across from me my whole attention.

"This is different," she finally said hesitantly.

I thought about all the things that were different for me since she entered Forks High. Certainly sitting here talking in the cafeteria wasn't the most radical abnormal behaviour I had exhibited.

"Well . . ." I reminded myself to be honest. Of course whatever we said my siblings could hear. Nevertheless, I reminded myself that I didn't want to lie. "I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."

I'm not sure why I said that, but it was honest. Every part of me screamed. The monster screamed for her blood, the spoiled adolescent part of me wanted to stake a claim that she was mine dispelling her other suitors and it wanted to do it _now_ , the desirous part of me wanted to take her and make her body mine, and the gentleman in me was trying to get them to all shut up! No wonder she thought that I had multiple personality disorder. There were too many parts of me and 50% of them were only awakened in the last 24 hours. I didn't know what else to say. I certainly wasn't going to tell her about what was going on inside of me, so I waited.

"You know I don't have any idea what you mean," she said looking confused.

I was so glad. This way I got to tell the truth while she did not see what I wanted to hide. Concurrently, I needed to show her the truth of the danger I posed to her so that she would be safe from me.

"I know." I kept my smile on my face. Despite my efforts to push everyone into the background, I was having a hard time ignoring Mike and Jessica's thoughts. "I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you."

Mike's thoughts were jealous and territorial while Jessica's were jealous and angry that she wasn't the one sitting with me. I figured being that honest with Bella would be stretching it too much, not to mention that I'd always been considerate about what I shared via my gift. My comment fit within what was obvious to the naked eye. Even my untrained eyes regarding human facial expressions could see that they were upset.

"They'll survive."

I wondered what she meant by that. Was she confident in her friendships with them that she believed they would withstand the pressure or that the relationships weren't that important to her? Especially with Mike I hoped for the latter.

"I might not give you back though," I teased, although, once the words were out of my mouth I realised that there was some honesty in that statement as well. If I allowed, there existed some parts of myself that wished to make her mine _forever_ , which is precisely why I was all wrong for her. I was afraid that my body hungered for her presence too much already. I reminded myself that I was working towards the day when I would be strong enough to walk away.

She swallowed loudly. Was she afraid? Was she finally going to run away?

I laughed hoping to ease the tension. Didn't I see humans doing that all the time? Would it work the same coming from me, a monster?

"You look worried," I surmised. I paid attention to her heart rate and breathing pattern trying to decipher what they were telling me.

"No." Why would she deny this when all her physical indicators indicated the opposite? "Surprised, actually . . . what brought all this on?"

Was it really surprise causing her reactions? It seemed unlikely. She should be afraid. She should be worried.

"I told you—I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I'm giving up," I said without thinking the words through first.

Why did I say that? I had intended to keep the conversation, well, conversational. This was far from it. Was I giving my siblings a message? Perhaps. Certainly they would understand what I was saying better than her. A new reality hit me. I could no longer stay away till she sent me away. Is that what Jasper meant in his tone? This being honest thing was difficult. I was saying too much, giving too much of myself away.

"Giving up?" She sounded confused.

I suppose without context that could be confusing, but I really didn't want to explain further.

"Yes—giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may." _So there!_ My thoughts directed to my siblings.

I had done the right thing and I had been miserable. I had taken my punishment, but I was tired. When would I be punished enough for my crimes? I had been breathing shallowly since she came over. This time I took a deep breath preparing myself. I considered briefly what would happen if I took Esme's advice and saw where my heart took me. Right now it seemed to be taking me into dangerous waters, waters where Bella's future ended badly. I needed nothing more than the fire in my throat as evidence. I no longer had a smile on my face.

"You lost me again." Confusion coloured her features and tone.

 _Well, thank heavens!_ I smiled ruefully. "I always say too much when I'm talking to you – that's one of the problems."

Certainly not the greatest problem I have. Imagine when the greatest problem I had was that I wanted to kill you. Seems like the good 'ol days now, huh?

"Don't worry—I don't understand any of it."

Did she mean that or was she just being nice? She comforting me? Again, I wasn't sure.

"I'm counting on that."

 _See_ , I thought smugly to my siblings even though they couldn't hear me, _there's no danger here._

She looked like she was doing difficult math in her head. "So, in plain English, are we friends now?"

"Friends …" I let that word sit in my mouth and head.

You might be my mate, but I'm counting on you saying no to me didn't seem to be the right answer. Friends might actually be the only option for the time being. As friends she could live her human life while I could have an outlet for my present incapacity to stay away from her. It might be a way forward, but even being my friendship wasn't prudent for her. What was I thinking? It really was an impossible situation.

"Or not," she muttered as if she didn't like my pause and was trying to complete my thought for me.

We really shouldn't be friends. I am not good for you, but you're not listening. I thought I'd try my warning one more time. Maybe a smile would help it sink in.

"Well, we can try, I suppose. But I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you."

I waited and paid close attention to her hoping she would hear my warning this time and leave.

"You say that a lot."

Her body was responding as if it might be afraid. Had I finally gotten through to her? I was doing the right thing, I was certain, but my whole body was resistant to the idea of leaving her. I tried to think of ways to force my body to behave in the manner that I wanted it to.

This was important. "Yes, because you're not listening to me. I'm still waiting for you to believe it. If you're smart, you'll avoid me," like everyone else does.

Why don't you? Why do I not scare you? Why do my charms not work on you? Why do you have to be so strange?

"I think you've made your opinion on the subject of my intellect clear, too." She looked upset.

My attempt at honesty must have offended her in some way. I don't know how, but I smiled apologetically anyway.

"So, as long as I'm being . . . not smart, we'll try to be friends?" she struggled to say.

I thought. Is that what I'm saying? Not really. I'm trying to say that I, the monster that wants to consume you because I can't imagine a greater pleasure than your blood coursing through my body, I am being pulled towards you in ways that I don't understand in ways that cause me to covet you, to reach out and take you as mine, even though I have no right to do so. I am trying to say that I am dreadfully dangerous and wrong for you in every way. I am trying to say that in the mist of this I don't know how to stay away. I want to be a gentleman and I want to give you choice, but I am failing at both. But I couldn't say any of that, and her conclusion was close enough.

"That sounds about right."

She looked down at her hands. Without her eyes to guide me, the world that was not her came rushing back.

Alice was gleefully excited and asking _What about now?_ over and over in her head.

Emmett was thinking _Man! Sucks to be him. Why is he putting himself through this?_

Rosalie seemed especially angry. I was not sure why that was.

Jasper seemed focused on me, like he was drawing in my emotion, but his thoughts seem more content than mine. What is the feeling that he's drawing on? I don't see myself as content.

I began to hear Mike, Jessica, and Angela, but all I really wanted was to hear the thoughts of the girl sitting across from me. Friends she said? I had never really had a friend before. Can friends ask each other what they're thinking? It would seem reasonable to me.

So I asked the question that has been burning inside me since we first met, "What are you thinking?"

She looked up again. I got to look into those brown eyes and found that the world had righted itself again.

Seemingly rushed, although I wasn't sure why, she blurted out, "I'm trying to figure out what you are."

Of course she was trying to discover the one thing that would truly cause Alice's vision to become true. My jaw tightened. This was exactly what I was trying to prevent. I should have walked away by now, gone back to being rude, but her eyes held me here. I felt like the only way I could leave was if she sent me away. And even then would I go? I would, I resolved. I would be a gentleman. I would respect the lady's choice. Always.

I knew that I couldn't give away how serious her statement was. Knowing her it would just cause her to fish deeper and be more determined. So, I thought I'd go back to joking.

"Are you having any luck with that?" I held my breath waiting and tried to ignore my siblings' voices.

"Not too much."

Oh good. I was relieved. Most people have theories. Usually I can just pick them from their thoughts. Not for the first time, and I was certain not for the last, I was frustrated as to why this girl had to be everything that tormented me and drew me in. More than anything I was curious. Attempting to keep the same light teasing tone I chuckled as if this was just one big joke.

"What are your theories?"

She cheeks filled with blood, her facing appeared pink under her nearly translucent skin. She kept her mouth closed. It seemed like she wasn't going to tell me. I was accustomed to being able to use my charm and hypnotic power to manipulate those around me, especially, to get what I wanted. Certainly Mrs. Cope was a fine example of my ability. I hadn't really tried that on Bella yet, not purposefully anyway. It didn't seem right or fair or even gentlemanly to use it on her. On the other hand, this was the whole reason I had started to monitor her, for my family's safety. I decided that my family's safety was most important right now.

I tilted my head to one side, smiled the way I do for these purposes, and released the hypnotic power of my gaze. Remembering to keep the words and tone light, "Won't you tell me?"

She shook her head. "Too embarrassing."

Ugh! Why didn't that work? Why did this girl not respond to me the way she should? A horrifying thought crossed my mind. Was I losing my touch?

"That's _really_ frustrating, you know," I confessed.

She narrowed her eyes and quickly retorted, "No. I can't _imagine_ why that would be frustrating at all – just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possible mean …"

What I said was keeping her up at night? I felt an internal flutter. What could that mean?

". . . now, why would that be frustrating?"

She was right. I had been dreadfully unfair. I grimaced.

"Or better, say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things – from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that, either, even after he promised. That, also, would be _very_ non-frustrating."

In my head I could hear all my siblings snickering at me with Rosalie pointing out how much of a double standard I keep generally. Did I? I suppose it could look that way, since I could hear their thoughts, but they could not hear mine. I rarely spoke my inner world, and they couldn't keep theirs from me. This is why I tried really hard to not let Rosalie get to me. I understood her dislike of having anyone read her thoughts. I would feel the same if the roles were reversed.

I had of course had these thoughts before, but I had dismissed them, as I couldn't help my gift, but this was different. With this girl my gift didn't work and here she was saying the same base argument that Rosalie had said for decades. Did this reflect on my character in some way? If it did, how should I respond? She was right of course on every accusation. Despite that, I wasn't about to admit it here where Rosalie could hear. So, I decided on a different tact.

"You've got a bit of a temper, don't you?"

Alice scolded me for saying such a thing, Emmett and Jasper mentally said, _Not smart, bro_ , and Rosalie fumed. I tried to push them back into the background. None of their reactions made much sense to me. I tried to think back to the lessons my birth mother taught me about interacting with a lady, but they were lost.

"I don't like double standards," she retorted.

She was right, again.

We stared at one another, unsmiling. Her accusation had removed my focus and suddenly thoughts started poring in again. Mike's thoughts were so loud I couldn't help but look at him over Bella's shoulders to observe his body language. They were so comical to me that I unwillingly snickered.

"What?" she asked with irritation.

This was a good distraction. I really didn't want to argue with her.

"Your boyfriend seems to think I'm being unpleasant to you – he's debating whether or not to come break up our fight," I explained still snickering. His bravado was terribly amusing.

"I don't know who you're talking about," she retorted frostily. "But I'm sure you're wrong, anyway."

Why did she doubt me on this, such an obvious thing?

"I'm not. I told you, most people are easy to read."

Had I not explained this so she understood?

"Except me, of course."

Ah, she did remember; she just doubted me. I think that conclusion was worse.

"Yes. Except for you."

She had kept my secret, yes. But it seems that she believed me to be a liar. She was right again. I was a very good liar. I had a century of practice. Something stirred inside of me. I didn't want _her_ to think of me as a liar. I wanted _her_ to see me as honourable and respectable. I wanted her to see the gentleman. This again. I dismissed it assuming that these thoughts were due to my attraction. Oh why couldn't I read her thoughts? Then I wouldn't have to guess like this. It was exasperating.

"I wonder why that is," I said mostly to myself, staring deep into her eyes, hoping I might be able to read something. Still nothing. My siblings didn't know why. Carlisle didn't know why. A big mystery sent to be my undoing.

She looked down. Did I scare her? Did she dislike this lying creature sitting before her? Was she debating whether to leave the table or not? Even though I needed her answer so I could stay away, in this moment I was too overwhelmed with my feelings. So instead I changed the conversation.

"Aren't you hungry?" This seemed like a safe conversation like the weather.

"No. You?" Of course she would ask that. I should have seen that coming. If I was careful I could answer honestly without giving anything away.

"No. I'm not hungry." Short direct answer. No lies. No, Bella, I don't want to kill you right now, but thanks for asking.

"Can you do me a favour?"

She wanted a favour. That didn't sound good. There was so much I couldn't say.

Warily I responded, "That depends on what you want."

"It's not much," she answered assuredly.

I waited. I wouldn't give anything away. Let her make the first move.

"I just wondered . . . if you could warn me beforehand the next time you decide to ignore me for my own good. Just so I'm prepared." Then she looked down.

She had noticed that I had been ignoring her for her own good? Was that due to my warnings? She wanted a warning next time? Did that mean that she didn't want to be ignored? That she didn't like me ignoring her? That sounded ominous. I liked that idea way too much. I tried to stifle the warm glowing feeling that was spreading through me plastering it on my face. Joy perhaps? Whatever it was it was new. A new feeling. She just kept upending my world. I pushed it aside, whatever it was. How could have such a fragile selfless being create such strong new experiences? My conclusion from last night came back to me. Right. My very nature was bent on her destruction.

"That sounds fair," I responded.

Yes, Bella, I could do that for you. That seemed more than reasonable.

"Thanks."

I had given her something. Could I use it as leverage to get something in return?

"Then can I have one answer in return?"

"One," she agreed.

"Tell me _one_ theory." This is what I really needed to know. How close are you Bella from the truth?

"Not that one," she responded assuredly.

"You didn't qualify, you just promised one answer," I reminded her gently in my non-threatening, coxing voice.

"And you've broken promises yourself."

She was right, of course. Not to mention she didn't like double standards. I decided to press it to see if I could pry the answer out.

"Just one theory – I won't laugh," I reassured her guessing that maybe her hesitancy was her disliking being embarrassed. I wouldn't laugh. This was a gravely serious topic.

"Yes, you will," she said assuredly.

Maybe I was on the right track. Maybe it was just embarrassment keeping her from talking. I looked down pondering my options. I decided to go with persuasion again. This time I would try it with full force.

"Please?" I asked as I leaned toward her.

"Er, what?"

Well, that didn't work the way it's supposed to. What was wrong with her?

Trying again, wrapping my words in silk and seduction, I cooed, "Please tell me just one little theory?"

Making sure we had eye contact I attempted again to use our kinds' power of hypnosis. Her heart seemed to beat irregularly and it was almost as if she stopped breathing. Did this have the opposite effect on her? Was this what scared her?

She blurted, "Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?"

I got her to answer, although the way she blurted it out wasn't the way females usually responded when I did that. Either way, I was entirely relieved. She wasn't even close. I could go back to teasing, making sure she couldn't hear the gravity in my tone.

"That's not very creative," I chided.

"I'm sorry, that's all I've got."

"You're not even close," I teased jokingly.

"No spider?"

"Nope."

"And no radioactivity?"

"Nope."

"Dang," she sighed.

"Kryptonite doesn't bother me either," I added just in case she decided to ask about bites.

I knew I promised not to laugh, and really it wasn't a laughing matter, but I couldn't help myself from chuckling. She thought I was a superhero! A hero that regretted saving her. Oh for the love of all that is holy.

"You're not supposed to laugh, remember." She seemed sad and scared. Right, she didn't like embarrassment. I worked at composing my face. "I'll figure it out eventually," she warned me probably because she didn't like me laughing, but she really needed to not figure it out. For her own good she needed to let it go.

I would try, although at this rate I would fail, to get her to see reason, to let it go. Maybe an appeal would work. "I wish you wouldn't try." Could she hear my pleading?

"Because?" What am I to say? The full truth was not possible. Maybe a partial truth. Something that would get through to her that I am dangerous.

"What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?" I said playfully keeping my teasing tone from before.

"Oh," she said as if to herself. Her forehead crinkled and it seemed like she was putting pieces of the puzzle together. Now she would run, as she should. And I would let her go, or at least I'd like to think I would. "I see."

Did she? Had I said too much?

"Do you?"

I waited counting her heartbeats.

"You're dangerous?" Yes, Bella, very dangerous, and more dangerous to you than to anyone else. I looked at her wanting to memorize every aspect of her, yearning for her to stay, but also trying to say goodbye. Can you see that I am not a man? That I am a monster?

"But not bad," she whispered shaking her head as if she was attempting to dispel this truth. "No, I don't believe that you're bad."

Grief and something else hit me equally forcefully. This second emotion was like consuming a kill after not hunting for too long. It felt like a release. Relief perhaps? Like a wrecking ball had hit my body, I felt that I was in pieces, and she was the only one able to put them back together. She knew that I was dangerous, had admitted as such, but didn't believe I was bad. I am a murderer, Bella. I am certainly not good.

"You're wrong," I said so softly I couldn't be sure she would hear.

Why did our conversations always end so tragically? The pull of these emotions into two different directions was too strong for me. Grief I knew. Regret I knew. Shame I knew. These were emotions that I was familiar with. Relief, if that was what it was, was so strange. Could this girl's declaration that I wasn't bad really cause such healing, such release, such soothing?

As a distraction I looked down and stole her bottle top spinning it on its side between my fingers. My hand's proximity to her didn't seem to bother her. She didn't recoil like normal humans did, like she should have done, since we did touch once briefly. She wasn't afraid yet, but she should be. I continued to ponder losing myself to my thoughts until I heard her jump up. Did she change her mind? Was this the last moment I would see her?

"We're going to be late," she stated.

Oh right, class. She was being responsible.

Despondently I answered, "I'm not going to class today," as I spun the top faster and faster.

"Why not?" She sounded upset.

Did she want me to go? I remembered what Alice said. No today I would not go to Biology. That was a very bad idea.

"It's healthy to ditch class now and then."

Healthy for the humans that I wasn't in a small warm room while their blood ran out of their bodies. Today more than anytime before in my existence I wished I could be human. Then I could go with her and prick my finger and not worry about massacring a room full of children.

"Well, I'm going," she explained.

Of course she would go. I expected that now. Expected that she would do the responsible thing. I'm trying to be responsible, to do what's best for you Bella, but I can't seem to manage it yet. Will I be forgiven for my weakness?

"I'll see you later, then," I replied.

I didn't know what else to say even though every physical part of me wanted for her to be with me. And I let her go as she went scampering away on the bell. I sat still, proud of myself for letting her go, wondering what kind of masochistic creature I must be to be infatuated with the human whose blood I desired more than any other.

It was only after her scent was a lingering memory did I realize that I had failed to get my no.


	22. Chapter 22: More Dangerous By the Minute

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, remains hers.**

* * *

While I sat in my car listening to Debussy, fragments of another tune started to play in my head. I turned down the CD to explore this new tune. Fragments turned into a fuller harmony. As I could hear the composition more clearly, my hands automatically played the notes in the air. I imagined it fuller, teasing out possibilities when I was interrupted by the sound of mental anguish.

I looked in the direction of the distress the voice all too recognizable to me.

 _Is she going to pass out? What do I do?_ Mike was panicked.

I pushed back all the other thoughts threatening to invade my head, and focused entirely on Mike. I was momentarily glad that his voice had become so familiar that it had registered in this way.

A hundred yards away I watched as Mike lowered Bella's limp body to the sidewalk with her check against the wet cold concrete, her eyes closed, and her skin chalky as a corpse.

My response was so instinctual that I almost tore the car's door off.

"Bella!" I shouted.

My behaviour had marked similarities to when I saved her from the van. I acted before thinking. I focused my whole attention on Bella.

There was no response from Bella, her lifeless face unchanged.

My whole body became colder than ice could have ever possibly been. I never had experienced being cold since being turned. What did this mean? Great! Another new thing. Another thing I didn't know.

I sifted through Mike's thoughts attempting to understand what was happening and probed deeper endeavouring to pull up his memories connected to what had brought Bella to this state. Certainly he was angrily shouting at me internally, but that really wasn't helpful. It told me nothing about Bella.

I retracted myself from the car. "What's wrong – is she hurt?" I demanded loudly.

Mike looked up in my direction. _What is Cullen doing here?_

I didn't like having to walk at a human's pace. I realized too late that I shouldn't have called attention to my approach.

If he had harmed her in anyway, I would have no option but to avenge her honour by annihilating him. It seemed befitting.

My probing had brought up flashes of blood testing instruments being distributed in class, but nothing helpful.

Then like music to my ears I heard her heartbeat and her breathing at regular intervals.

Had I ever wanted to avenge a girl's honour? Certainly my reaction to Rosalie had been shock and dismissal not a desire to defend her. Why oh why was the girl in front of me causing me to act so uncharacteristically? Why wasn't she like everyone else?

Since she wasn't dead, perhaps I didn't need to avenge her after all. That was disappointing. I was disappointed at not needing to kill someone? I knew these strong reactions were not the monster because they were too new, too fresh. Probably jealousy or something else like that, I grumbled to myself.

I watched as she squeezed her eyelids. That was a good sign.

Some of the tightness around my chest began to recede. I had experienced this feeling right before I had sprinted across the parking lot to save her. Was it possible that my physical well-being was tied to hers? No, that was impossible. She was human. I dismissed the possibility out right.

Not wishing to cause my family more problems I quickly recalled all the events that had transpired since Mike's thoughts had invaded my head ensuring that I had, thus far, maintained my façade. Luckily I had, because I wasn't sure how I would have explained it if I hadn't. Not for the first time since I had met Bella, I was appreciative that Carlisle insisted we practice being human at all times. I had already created enough exposure to last a hundred years without adding more.

Mike's pulled memories reminded me that they were blood typing today. I held my breath. Her scent was one thing; her flowing blood would be entirely different.

"I think she's fainted," he said anxiously and resentfully. "I don't know what happened, she didn't even stick her finger."

Oh thank heavens above. I took a breath. Sure enough, I could smell the tiny flow of Mike's puncture wound. Before Bella it might have appealed to me. Now, it seemed, nothing compared to her. That might help me with my monster in regards to all other humans, but it wasn't a good sign for Bella.

I knelt beside her while Mike hovered railing mental insults at me about my intervention.

Keeping my voice soft and kind I addressed her. "Bella, can you hear me?"

"No," she groaned, "go away."

Was this the no I had been waiting for? Had she finally seen the danger I posed to her, and was sending me away? I remembered how much she disliked being embarrassed. Was this a rejection of me or of receiving aid? Her voice created a slightly similar feeling to the vice grip being released, but this time it was accompanied with elation. I laughed from the exquisite nature of the feeling, and the delight that I might be beginning to understand her better.

"I was taking her to the nurse," Mike explained defensively, "but she wouldn't go any further."

I considered my options.

"I'll take her," I said dismissively, "you can go back to class."

His teeth clamped together in defiance. "No. I'm supposed to do it." His mental insults increased and he imagined throwing me against the wall.

Arguing with this weakling was as pointless as catching a fly. Here was my opportunity to be chivalrous, to show Bella that she was right–I wasn't all bad. Thrilled and terrified, half-grateful and half-irritated by the predicament, which made touching her necessary, I reminded myself to be very gentle. Carefully as I knew how to be, I lifted her off the sidewalk and held her in my arms touching her clothes and keeping her as far away from my body as possible. I would be chivalrous, but nothing more. I reminded myself of the need to get a no from her, the need to be able to leave her, the need to protect her from myself.

Despite the distance and her present state, her heat radiated out towards me, swirled around me, and filled me. It was euphoric. I had never experienced anything like it. Nothing prior compared to the absolute jubilation that filled my body. All awareness that Mike was there faded. This feeling was so dangerous. I knew as soon as it filled me that it would be painful to go back to life without her. Nonetheless, I was no good for her. My feelings did not matter. What mattered was keeping her safe, keeping her human.

I strode forward in the same movement moving as quickly as humans can go to get her away from me before this sensation took me over completely.

Her eyes popped open, and she looked at me astonished.

"Put me down," she attempted to order me in a weak distant voice.

For a moment I was uncertain. Should I do what she requested? Then I remembered from the hospital that she didn't like to show weakness. In that case she really didn't need to be put down, she just didn't want to need help. I decided to do what was best for her.

"You look awful," I commented grinning at the fact that I wouldn't have to lose this precious hour with Bella after all.

I had only spent time with her during lunch to get the no I needed. I solely came to her rescue because … I wasn't sure. I had seen many human girls faint over the years. People died. It was a part of being human. Why did she cause me to act outside of reason? The thought that she might be my mate rose up inside me again. That was certainly not in her best interests. Anyway, despite the evidence, she was human. I immediately squelched the thought.

"Put me back on the sidewalk," Bella weakly said attempting another pathetic command.

Her lips were white. I considered it again. Despite her insistence, I reasoned, she really would be better off in the nurse's office.

I thought it might help her if I distracted her.

"So you faint at the sight of blood?"

Could there have been anything more ironic? Me, a blood drinker, was attracted to a girl that fainted at the sight of blood. I worked hard to not laugh out loud.

She clenched her eyes closed and clamped her lips together.

"And not even your own blood," I added grinning.

How Emmett would laugh!

We were at the front office building. The door was opened a crack, so I used my foot to kick it out of my way.

Mrs. Cope jumped at the sound. "Oh my," she exclaimed examining the ashen girl in my arms.

"She fainted in Biology," I explained before her imagination could conjure anything more sinister.

Mrs. Cope hurried and opened the nurse's door. Bella opened her eyes watching her. The elderly nurse was internally astonished as I lay this beautiful, amazing, bane of my existence, carefully, I reminded myself again, on the one shabby bed. As soon as Bella was out of my arms I put the width of the room between us. My whole body was filled with different sensations. It was too eager, too excited, my muscles tense, and the venom flowing, while I felt my body temperature cool to normal. She was so warm and fragrant, fragile and delicious.

"She's just a little faint," I reassured Mrs. Hammond. "They're blood typing in Biology."

She nodded sagely. "There's always one."

And of course it would be Bella. Was Bella ever _not_ the exception to the rule? I attempted to muffle a snicker.

She turned to Bella. "Just lie down for a minute, honey; it'll pass."

Already Bella was beginning to get some pink in her. This, of course, made her scent stronger, but after being across the table from her for an hour this was tolerable. I wondered if more time with her would make controlling the monster easier. Desensitize myself, as it were. It might be a theory worth exploring, especially as it would reduce the risk of me killing her on the way to Seattle. No, I argued with myself. The point was not to go to Seattle with her. The point was to get her to say no about going to Seattle with her. Contrary to my attempts to stifle the idea of spending more time with her, my desensitization theory pleased me.

"I know," Bella sighed.

Maybe because Bella was new to school and the nurse wanted to be prepared for any future events, she asked, "Does this happen a lot?"

"Sometimes," she admitted.

I highly doubted that. The idea resurfaced that Bella fainted at blood. I tried to cover my laugh with a cough. I fooled no one. It also caused the nurse to notice I was still there.

"You can go back to class now," she said as if to dismiss me.

I looked into her eyes, used my non-scary smile, and with authority said, "I'm supposed to stay with her."

Right then she thought _Oh, my ... well .. okay._ Her heart rate sped up a bit and her breathing was slightly shallower.

See, I wasn't loosing my touch. It worked fine with her. Why not Bella? Why was she the exception to everything?

Mrs. Hammond said, "I'll go get you some ice for your forehead, dear," as she looked away as if she encountered something dangerous that she was trying to avoid–as humans _should_ –and walked out like she was trying to shake something off.

"You were right," Bella moaned shutting her eyes.

I've been right about a lot of things. I just wasn't sure which one Bella was referring to right this moment. A tense pressure filled me.

"I usually am – but about what in particular this time?" I asked.

It took humans forever to speak back, and with Bella weak from fainting it seemed to be taking years. I counted her heartbeats to pass the time.

"Ditching is healthy."

Calm restored. Of all the things that I have been right about that one might just be the least consequential of them all. Wanting to avoid the traps this conversation might lead to it seemed prudent to talk about something safer.

"You scared me for a minute there." I was still attempting honesty, although I hoped she wouldn't think poorer of me for it, "I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury it in the woods."

She laughed. Why she thought this was funny was beyond me. She was quite fragile, and Mike had the physical ability to kill her. My statement didn't seem funny to me. If this made her laugh ….

"Honestly–I've seen corpses with better colour." Honest again. I was getting better at this. "I was concerned that I might have to avenge your murder." And I would have gladly.

Still with a smile on her face, but some slight frown, concern maybe, she said, "Poor Mike. I'll bet he's mad."

Was she thinking about him? Would she rather that he had brought her in than me? Had she changed her mind and wished that she had said yes to him? I tried to appear nonchalant as the idea twisted and turned within me. Then Mike's last thoughts before I lost his existence entirely crossed my mind and cheered me up immensely.

"He absolutely loathes me."

I watched her carefully to see how she would respond.

She crinkled her face up. "You can't know that," she argued.

"I saw his face–I could tell." I checked my memories. Yes, it was on his face.

With my family's talk about human expressions and me trying to figure out Bella, I actually had been getting better with the whole face-reading thing. So, I had in fact not lied, although next time I should check before I spoke, I chided myself.

"How did you see me? I thought you were ditching?"

Fortunately her colour was coming back. Unfortunately the strength of her scent was also increasing, although it was still manageable. I thought about holding my breath, but then I couldn't talk to her. I reasoned that I could always excuse myself if the monster became uncontrollable.

This was an easy truth. "I was in my car, listening to a CD," and composing a piece you inspired.

I was too much of a coward to admit the whole truth. She seemed surprised like she expected me to have said something out of a comic book instead.

The nurse came in with a cold compress. "Here you go, dear." She laid it on Bella's forehead. She re-examined Bella's complexion. "You're looking better."

"I think I'm fine," Bella said sitting up.

Of course she would say that. How many times had she said that at the hospital? Those were her magical words so that she could get out of being taken care of.

Mrs. Hammond was about to make her lie back down, but then Mrs. Cope stuck her head in the door. "We've got another one," she warned.

That was Bella's cue to exit. She looked like she was being freed from prison. She hopped down off the bed, and handed the compress back to the nurse. "Here, I don't need this."

With effort Mike brought in another Biology classmate, Lee Stephens, stumbling into the space. Lee was still bleeding.

"Oh no," I muttered.

That was my cue to go, and Bella's too. It seemed that neither of us were safe around blood. For very different reasons of course, but the idea that we shared something in common brought a sense of familiarity and closeness to her that was exceedingly dangerous. Every response, every physical reaction I had just made things worse for her.

"Go out to the office, Bella," I ordered.

She stared at me bewildered.

"Trust me–go."

I want to be worthy of your trust, Bella, but I never will be as I am a monster after all.

Bella spun and went out the door before it closed. I was just inches behind her. Her hair brushed my hand … it was like silk.

With the blood behind us she turned and looked at me with surprise still on her face.

I was stunned. "You actually listened to me." Without argument or complaint, but I thought better to add that part.

Her nose wrinkled. It was rather cute. "I smelled the blood."

"People can't smell blood," I said definitively with surprise on my face.

"Well, I can – that's what makes me sick. It smells like rust … and salt."

That was not possible. Was she even human? She felt soft as a human. She was warm like a human. She looked human, except for maybe her translucent skin. She smelled human–well better actually. She acted human–sort of. But she didn't think like a human or respond like one. What other option was there?

"What?" she demanded.

"It's nothing." Which wasn't absolutely true. I just couldn't say my thoughts without giving away too much. And it really wasn't that important.

Mike came back through the door, and glared at me with resentful, violent thoughts. I was rather amused. He actually thought he could take me.

He looked at Bella. "You look better," he said sharply.

I suddenly had resentful and violent thoughts of my own, most of which surrounded my fist in his face. My hand twitched. Another thing I needed to be careful about. If I wasn't careful I might accidently kill this imbecile.

"Just keep your hand in your pocket."

For the briefest of milliseconds, I thought she was talking to me. Then I realised she was talking to Mike since he'd pricked his finger.

"It's not bleeding anymore," he muttered. He probably couldn't tell that there was still some on his skin. "Are you going back to class?" he said while keeping his eyes on Bella.

"Are you kidding? I'd just have to turn around and come back."

A bright idea came to mind. That meant I could have my hour after all with her. My hour? When did I start thinking about Biology, what had been the bane of my existence, as _my_ hour? I realised that whatever was happening to me was only getting worse like an affliction. I thought about the disease that had robbed me of my humanity and propelled me to become what I am now. Was _that_ what was happening to me?

"Yeah, I guess …" He looked crestfallen, like someone had taken away his favourite toy.

The thing was, I knew from his thoughts, that he had no depth for her. They were mostly fantasies. So why did he look that way. It was puzzling and quite aggravating.

"So are you going this weekend? To the beach?" _And Cullen is NOT invited!_ He added internally and glared at me again.

They had plans. Anger froze me in place. I searched my memory exploring if there was anything I had picked up about this. Ah, yes. It was a group trip. Most of the juniors that sat with Bella, well before today, had been invited. I was still furious. I tried to get control of myself. Freezing in front of humans certainly wasn't a good idea. I felt like a newborn again with all the tumultuous emotions that accompanied that time in our life. Even as a newborn I didn't recall it being quite like this. Hum, that was worrisome. One more thing to add to my ever growing list of concerns.

"Sure," she answered with a friendly tone. "I said I was in," she said with slight irritation.

I felt that same emotion come up that had almost overpowered me when he has asked her to the dance–jealousy. She had said yes to him too. What did this mean? Was her yes to me any different from her yes to this outing? The only difference I could see was that her yes to me was for just the two of us. Her yes to the beach was for a group trip. Why should I be jealous, anyway? I was working towards Bella giving me a no.

"We're meeting at my dad's store, at ten." _Should I have said that in front of Cullen, because he was definitely not invited?_ His eyes quickly glanced at me as if he hoped that I hadn't heard.

"I'll be there."

"I'll see you in Gym, then," he said as he moved uncertainly towards the door.

"See you." He moved slowly, like in a shuffle, as if he was uncertain about leaving her there with me. _What does she see in that freak? Sure, he's rich, I guess. Chicks think he's hot, but I don't see that. Too … too perfect. I bet his dad experiments with plastic surgery on all of them. That's why they're all so white and pretty. It's not natural. It's kind of scary-looking. Sometimes, when he stares at me, I swear he's thinking about killing me. Freak …_ And then his thoughts were off to another topic. He must be in Biology now. He was perceptive. I would give him that. And he wanted to protect Bella from me. She should be protected from me. All of a sudden I didn't totally loath Mike.

"Gym," Bella moaned. She looked aghast.

I wasn't sure why, but if she didn't want to spend the next hour with Mike, then I was all for that.

"I can take care of that." I meant it as an offer. She didn't refuse, but I also hadn't given her an option. Still working on that. "Go sit down and look pale."

Not like that was hard on a good day, but her colour still hadn't fully returned yet. This couldn't be too hard.

She did as I had instructed. I had failed again in treating her like a lady. My overwhelming desire to protect her seemed to override my need to be gentlemanly. I wasn't yet sure what to do about that. Surely her safety was my priority … She sat in one of the folding chairs, and rested her head against the wall. She closed her eyes. Good enough, I reasoned. Mrs. Cope returned to her desk as I turned to face her.

"Mrs. Cope?" I said, using my persuasive voice.

Hey eyes fluttered, and her heart rate increased. _Too young, get a hold of yourself!_ "Yes?"

Now that was interesting. Both Mrs. Hammond and Mrs. Cope's heart rates increased when I tried to persuade them. I was accustomed to females behaving that way. I had always assumed that it was fear or anxiety. What … what if I was _wrong_? That was a terrifying thought. I was perpetually consistently right. I was the family know-it-all. Emmett thought it had to do with me reading minds, and that helped, but I also had read a lot more than him. And I like being right. Emmett doesn't really care. The idea that I could be wrong unsettled my world–another part of whom I considered myself to be crumbled. But I couldn't think about that right now. I was in the middle of using my persuasive influence on Mrs. Cope even though it didn't seem to work on Bella.

"Bella had Gym next hour, and I don't think she feels well enough."

My brilliant plan to spend the next period with her seemed like some scrooge trying to hoard away her time. I still hadn't gotten my no after all. This would give me the opportunity to secure it.

"Actually, I was thinking I should take her home now. Do you think you could excuse her from class?" I explained to Mrs. Cope.

I stared into her depthless eyes, relieved that I hadn't lost my touch, and enjoyed the influence I was having on her probably too much. All the while I was thinking, _I wonder if I do this to Bella?_

Mrs. Cope had to swallow loudly before she answered, "Do you need to be excused, too, Edward?"

"No, I have Mrs. Groff, she won't mind."

All of a sudden I considered the possibility that Bella wasn't actually afraid of me, but rather that she was attracted to me. However, she didn't give me the swooning and stares that I got from other girls. She wasn't like other girls. Even if she was impacted by my looks and ability to charm, I didn't want her to say yes for those reasons. I reviewed Bella's yeses. Were all her yeses empty? I hoped so. At the same time that my mind was relieved at the likelihood, I felt the vice grip around my chest return.

While I was pondering, Mrs. Cope said to Bella, "Okay. It's all taken care of. You feel better, Bella."

Bella nodded weakly exaggerating slightly.

I decided to confirm my hypothesis that Bella did not like appearing week. "Can you walk, or do you want me to carry you again?" If my hypothesis was correct, she would decline, I thought ruefully.

"I'll walk."

Hypothesis confirmed. Maybe I was getting better at this. Waiting for her to stand I walked to the door, and held it open for her while smiling politely. I think I was beginning to like this game–guess what Bella would say. As she walked out into the cold, fine mist, she turned her face to the sky. Okay, human girls definitely do not do that! Examining closer, I realised that she wore no makeup, a highly irregular thing for girls here. I waited examining how beautiful she looked as the mist touched her skin, pooled, and ran down her skin. She really is a magnificent creature.

"Thanks," she offered as she followed me. "It's almost worth getting sick to miss Gym." She sounded almost pleased.

My siblings and I loathe Gym, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she would. She didn't have the onslaught of smells, watching the human's blood increase in velocity as the class went on, hearing their heavy breathing, inhaling the secreted pheromones designed to incite our nature to hunt them, and then having to play a sport at such a reduce capacity that it was like nails on a chalkboard. Why on earth was she, then, rejoicing in missing Gym?

"Anytime," I answered even though I wasn't sure what she was thanking me for or if I deserved such thanks.

Perhaps it was an empty gesture and she was just being polite. Any conversation seemed dangerous at his point, so I settled on listening to her heart and breathing, taking the time to try to understand her better.

"So are you going? This Saturday, I mean?" Bella said sounding cautious, but hopeful.

The cautiousness I understood, but hopeful? Hopeful of what? That I would go? Did that mean she wanted me to come? Was she simply being kind, or, worse yet, simply polite? My answer would depend on two things: the weather and the location. Not easily able to explain about the weather I focused on location.

"Where are you all going, exactly?"

"Down to La Push, to First Beach."

No. Impossible. The treaty, the one that I helped create and agreed to, I remind myself, forbids me. Oh well. But I didn't want to have to explain that to Bella. It opened too many questions for her inquisitive mind. I would have to say no in a different way. Either way, me saying no to her was what was best.

"I really don't think I was invited."

She sighed. Did she not like my answer? Was she frustrated? Considering the times I had seen her frustrated this sigh sounded different than those times. I dismissed frustration. Was it a sign of resignation? I wasn't sure. Great! More things I didn't know. This was getting ridiculous. You could fill a library now with the things I didn't know.

"I just invited you."

Really? Maybe she genuinely did want me to go. I liked that thought, perhaps a bit too much. It caused me to feel tingly inside. My physical responses to her like this were highly dangerous. It seemed that the more time I spent with her the stronger my body responded to her. I really needed that no sooner than later. I looped back to her response. Oh, well. I really couldn't go to First Beach.

"Let's you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don't want him to snap."

The idea was intriguing for sure, but I kept my face neutral. I doubted Bella would appreciate my enjoyment of the idea of harming him.

"Mike-schmike."

I liked the sound of her voice when she said that. It was like she didn't like the idea that Mike was interfering with me going with her. Now that was exciting and terrifying. Excited that she might really want to be my friend, and terrified about what that might mean to her. It seemed that I was becoming more dangerous to her by the minute.


	23. Chapter 23: If I Failed to Get a No

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun remains hers.**

* * *

We entered the parking lot. Bella veered toward her truck. Of course she would want to drive herself. She didn't like help. I had considered offering to drive her vehicle to her house, but then I'd have to explain how I would get back to school without a car, not to mention that when I got back my clothes would be wet. No, that option raised too many questions. The only reasonable way to fulfil my promise to get her home, without any undo complication, was in my car.

I caught the hood of her jacket to stop her movement since I was fairly sure she would refuse my offer. One, I wasn't about to lie to Mrs. Cope, although admittedly that was minor since I lied to her almost every time I spoke with her. Two, I was determined to be the gentleman my birth mother insisted I become. A lady was in need of assistance. It wasn't my fault that Bella didn't _like_ to be helped.

Despite my hand on her hood, she kept going.

The two sides of the argument when I picked Bella up and took her to the nurse's office raised their heads again. On one hand, I wanted to be a gentleman and chivalrous while Bella didn't want to appear weak and refused any assistance even when she needed it. On the other, I wanted to respect her wishes, her nos, and her yeses. Gosh this woman had placed me in a bind. I wondered if all humans were this complicated and difficult. Perhaps Carlisle could offer some guidance. Certainly Bella's opinion of me mattered if I wished for her to continue to keep my secret. My chivalry demonstrated to her that she had no reason to betray me. I determined that in this instance, like her being unwell on the sidewalk, her health and well-being were the priority. Therefore, all variables considered, I would take her in my car whether she liked the idea or not.

"Where do you think you're going?" I asked gently.

Could she not tell that I was holding onto her hood? Was she trying to fall down? This time I rearranged my grip and had a fistful of her jacket.

Sounding confused she answered, "I'm going home."

Yes. I'm not stupid. I know that you're going home.

Goodness gracious this girl got under my nerves. Maybe she hadn't heard me? Seemed unlikely.

"Didn't you hear me promise to take you safely home?"

Her body was still attempting to move toward her truck.

"Do you think I'm going to let you drive in your condition?" I asked wanting to call attention to her just moments prior physical ill health.

I assumed that this would settle the matter. Concurrently, on a selfish note I needed to practice being in the car with her on the marginal chance that I did end up failing to get a no. This was a far shorter trip than Seattle and therefore safer. A good test I determined. Especially as I hadn't actually solved the problem of how to not kill her while being with her for that long in a closed confined space.

"What condition?" she demanded.

Despite being a smart girl, she was being especially thick … or maybe just stubborn. Hmm, I would have to consider adding stubborn to my quality list.

"And what about my truck?" she continued in an argumentative and confused tone.

Yes. She was right. She would need her truck at her house. After running through the possible options, I decided.

"I'll have Alice drop it off after school."

I walked towards my car slowly, even by human standards, still holding onto her jacket remembering that humans judged her clumsy when she was moving forward. I did so in a way that made sure that no ill intent could be assumed if someone saw us from a distance. Simultaneously, I kept scanning for anyone who might come into visual range. I certainly didn't need a bystander believing I was dragging her away somewhere, even if I was doing that. But I wouldn't have to if she would just agree to my help.

"Let go!" she insisted.

Another command. I re-evaluated the situation based on my best guess of why she was insisting. I concluded that it was just like when she commanded that I put her down, even when she probably couldn't have walked. She didn't like being taken care of. What a strange girl. Even Esme, Rosalie, and Alice who were both smart and independent enjoyed being taken care of occasionally.

A thought occurred to me based on what she had said about sending herself away for her mom's sake. Maybe she wasn't accustomed to being taken care of or maybe it was the girls of this era. Esme, Rosalie, and Alice were relatively raised in about the same era as I. Hmm … I'd have to get more evidence to make a conclusion. Additionally, even though Bella had complained in the moment of me carrying her, she never asked me not to do that again when she was feeling better. …

Being fairly certain about my conclusion I kept going till we reached the Volvo where I let go of her jacket and unlocked the doors.

"You are so _pushy_!" she grumbled.

Well, that was a good sign. Her anger seemed to be receding slightly. And we hadn't been seen. Perhaps she was beginning to see how me driving her home wouldn't kill her. Well, I was fairly certain I wouldn't kill her between here and her home.

Hoping I was right about what was happening in that confounded mind of hers, I responded, "It's open," and got into the driver's seat.

"I am perfectly capable of driving myself home!"

Okay, maybe her anger hadn't reseeded. I sighed. I re-evaluated the situation yet again. The rain was still coming down adding more and more moisture to her hair and clothes, and for someone who didn't like the cold or wet she must not be comfortable.

I lowered the automatic window, and leaned toward her across the seat to improve her hearing me. I carefully spoke in a clear slightly louder than normal voice, "Get in, Bella."

I watched her intently. Her breathing and heart rate quickened just the slightest bit and her body moved the smallest degrees as if she was mentally preparing to bolt.

"I'll just drag you back," guessing on her plan and hoping this statement would deter her.

I really couldn't afford to have her fall on the asphalt and skin her hands or worse. Her body shifted like it was resigning. Well, that was not what I wanted. I wanted her in the car, but not as a hostage. I had failed again.

She got in the car.

"This is completely unnecessary," she said stiffly.

I should have expected her sentiment. Nevertheless the statement deflated any sense that I was doing the right thing by her.

I didn't know what to say. Sorry, Bella, that I keep failing? Nope. Not going to say that. Instead I focused on turning up the heat and turning down the music to a human background level. I pulled out of the parking lot, and watched her discretely out of the corner of my eye. Her face was set angrily with her bottom lip out and her arms folded across her chest.

Suddenly her face changed and she asked surprised, "Clair de Lune?"

She listened to classical music? Somehow I never pictured that.

Surprised she knew the song and that we might have something else in common, I asked, "You know Debussy?"

"Not well," she admitted. Her face changed again. This time it sagged like when she had talked about her Mom the first time I attempted a conversation with her. "My mother plays a lot of classical music around the house–I only know my favourites."

So my connection of her facial expression with her thoughts of her mother had been accurate. My body was filled with a warm glowing sensation. Where did _this_ feeling come? Additionally, I still didn't understand why this facial expression was connected to her mother. Just great. Two more things I didn't know!

While I considered the possibilities to explain her facial expression given what I knew about her, I stated, "It's one of my favourites, too."

I could not explain it, but us listening to my CD together brought me a sense of calmness, comfort maybe. While I was feeling calm I figured it would be a good time to test my capacity to contain the monster in the smallest most confined space we had been in as of yet. I took a deep breath. It was potent. My throat burned raw as if a fire had torched the inside of my throat with blue flames.

She actually smelled better. How was that possible? I couldn't have imagined anything more alluring than that first day, but I was wrong. Again. As the scent filled my mouth and lungs, the taste of it strengthened. My mind was filled with the imagery of how scrumptious her blood would be sliding on my tongue while the sensation of her blood caressed my throat filling my body providing me with strength I had never previously known. I tried to swallow the venom saturating my mouth. Fortunately, despite being highly uncomfortable as well as my thoughts of how wondrously her blood would sooth the ache, the monster didn't overtake me.

I needed a distraction. Curiosity had worked before. I grabbed onto the first thing that came to my mind.

"What is your mother like?"

I focused on ensuring the monster remained caged. See, I pointed out to my body and every other irrational part of myself: this is _exactly_ why I am diabolically _wrong_ for her.

"She looks a lot like me, but she's prettier."

I doubted that. I wondered what caused her to make that evaluation. It seemed like for every answer I received I had at least ten more questions. That was exactly what I needed. I could feel the venom retreating.

"I have too much Charlie in me," she continued.

I wasn't sure what that meant.

"She's more outgoing than I am."

I could see that as a possibility. Bella was quite shy.

"And braver."

I had met few people braver than Bella. I doubted her assessment in this area as well.

"She's irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she's a very unpredictable cook."

Well, I had judged Bella as responsible, non-human like but not eccentric in human terms. I had no way to evaluate cooking ability.

I had a new category to my list: humble. I pondered that. Humble implied that she saw herself clearly and understated her strengths. Hmm. Perhaps she was doing that or perhaps she simply didn't see herself clearly. I moved humble into the "yet to be determined" column.

Her tone as she described her mother sounded more parental than I would have expected. But I wasn't certain what would fit within a normal range. I mentally reviewed all the times I had heard teenagers at Forks High speak about their parents. Most complained, but Bella wasn't complaining so far.

"She's my best friend." Her expression sagged into one that I guessed was deep sadness.

Best-friend, huh? That didn't sound like the typical human parent-teenager relationship. I began putting pieces together. My working hypothesis was that Bella was the caretaker in the relationship. It would certainly fit with the qualities about her that I had compiled.

I stopped in front of her house. It was upon arriving that I realized that I'd forgotten to ask her where she lived.

Why do I make such obvious mistakes with her? How is it that she could distract me from the simplest of things?

This error only reinforced my need to walk away and soon. My family's lives depended on it. My only hope was that given her father's role as sheriff that she would assume that everyone knew where she lived and consequently wouldn't inquire.

"How old are you, Bella?"

I attempted to see if my working hypothesis had merit without asking her directly. Given our encounters, I assumed that a direct question would be answered with hostility. I was really trying to avoid that. So far this conversation hadn't ended up in dark waters.

"I'm seventeen," she answered with slight confusion.

"You don't seem seventeen," I explained hoping that answered her confusion. It had come out more like an accusation than I had meant it.

She laughed.

"What?"

I had tried to make jokes prior, but she hadn't laughed. This she laughed at. Curious.

"My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle-aged every year." She laughed again. She obviously thought this was humorous.

I wasn't sure why. Didn't seem humorous to me. Seemed sad actually like she had lost out on having a childhood.

"Well, someone had to be the adult," she added after a short pause.

Ah-huh, hypothesis confirmed. This explained so much. She didn't seem seventeen, because had been forced into the caretaker role early on. She didn't like appearing weak because she saw herself as responsible for someone else. She didn't like being cared for because that was her job.

I checked my throat; it was barely irritated. Maybe that hypothesis was correct as well: curiosity did help keep the monster at bay. Some of my self-doubt began to recede.

"You don't seem much like a junior in high school yourself," she added thoughtfully.

I grimaced. What didn't she see? There was no way to continue down that road without lying, so I attempted to refocus the conversation on her.

"So why did your mother marry Phil?"

She paused to answer longer than it usually took her. Had I asked a question that made her uncomfortable? I checked my memory. She had mentioned him before without any particular qualms in her voice. It seemed like a safe question. Had I read her wrong? All while I waited, I was thinking and getting nervous, but I said nothing.

Finally she answered. "My mother … she's very young for her age. I think Phil makes her feel even younger. At any rate, she's crazy about him." Then she shook her head like she was attempting to dislodge something that had become stuck.

I re-evaluated my question based on her answer. It didn't seem like I had read her wrong. Maybe she was hesitant to answer because of the age difference? I had observed that generally humans married individuals about their own age. If Bella was seventeen, then her mother had to be at least thirty-one and if Phil was in minor league baseball he would be twenty-four on the top end. Eight years minimum between them didn't seem like much to me. Esme and Carlisle are over two hundred years apart in age. I wondered what Bella would think about that. Too bad she was bound to say no to me; I would have liked to have the answer. It would just be something I would have to resign myself to never knowing.

"Do you approve?" I asked getting as close as I ever could to the answer I really wanted.

"Does it matter?" she countered. "I want her to be happy … and he is who she wants." She shook her head indulgently.

Hmm. She cares more the happiness of others than her own, I concluded. I had already suspected that with her comment that she sent herself here and her interaction with her friends, but it was a nice confirmation.

"That's very generous … I wonder … " because of course the first place I had gone to was my selfish arrogant wonderings about her first yes.

If I had been still human, assuming that she had given me a self-willed yes, I would have presumed that her parents would get some say as would mine. I couldn't keep my voice totally impassive. The impossibility of our situation became apparent in my thoughts again because I wasn't human.

My kind mate, which I believe to be a much more instinctual process than for humans, at least according to my understanding of how human mating works. In watching Esme and Carlisle as well as Rosalie and Emmett mate, I had concluded that we were drawn, pulled I supposed, as if by an involuntary force towards our mates. Humans, it seemed to me, were much more able to join a person and then separate, and then join another person. It seemed, therefore, that their fidelity was much weaker than ours. Despite all that and the risks to Bella, I still wondered what a courtship with Bella would have been like if I _had_ been human. It was selfishly indulgent. I tried to dispel these thoughts from my mind.

"What?" she questioned as if she was frustrated that I hadn't finished my thought.

I decided, despite how insane the plausible conclusion would be that she had intended her first yes, that my curiosity was too much.

"Would she extend the same courtesy to you, do you think? No matter who your choice was?"

A small part of me hoped she would said yes, but another, the part that knew she was better off without me in her life, hoped she'd said no, that her parents would require her to marry someone good, someone deserving of her, someone human. I realized too late now that I shouldn't have allowed myself to ask this question. It opened too many doors that needed to remain bolted shut. I looked deep into her eyes wishing once again that I could read her mind.

"I-I think so," she stuttered.

Was she reacting to my gaze or my question? And if it was my gaze, was it fear or attraction?

"But she's the parent, after all. It's a little bit different."

Whatever it was, she seemed to have regained her composure.

Yes. That was true, but if she carried more of the role of the caregiver, then would she have more say over her life than another person her age? There was no way to find an answer to that question easily. And more than anything I needed to stop these indulgences.

"No one too scary then," I offered teasing her instead.

Would they send me away was my question hidden underneath. They should. I really needed to stop.

She grinned. "What do you mean by scary?"

Was she remembering our conversation at lunchtime?

"Multiple facial piercing and extensive tattoos?" she continued. Her face was lopsided like she was trying to imagine me with those things.

"That's one definition, I suppose." A very non-dangerous definition in my mind. A derived mind and murdering heart had nothing in common with those things.

"What's your definition?" Of course she would ask me the very question I didn't want to answer, questions that got too close to my family's secret, to my past, to my true nature. I certainly wasn't going to tell her any of those things. This and many other reasons was exactly why we weren't compatible.

"Do you think that _I_ could be scary?" I asked before my brain could get my mouth to close. I had attempted to keep my voice light and to smile as if question wasn't critical to me.

She had said that I was not bad, but did she think I was scary? This was leading nowhere good. I needed to find a way to stop myself.

I tried not to freeze, to become the stone I was in order to give myself away, but my nervousness kept pulling me in that direction. It took considerable concentration to make sure I was doing all the little things that help me appear human while I waited. I also paid close attention to her facial expressions.

She had the same look that she has gotten in Biology when the teacher asked a question that she wasn't certain the answer to and she was pondering what to say. "Hmmm … I think you _could_ be, if you wanted to."

It was an honest answer; I appreciated that. Now I just needed to leverage that into a no.

"Are you frightened of me now?" I could not keep the smile on my face.

Do you want to run Bella? You should. You need to say no to me and walk away. I am no good for you. Nevertheless, I promised Esme that I would give you the choice. I would let you decide for yourself so that you can give me a no and I can leave you alone. I want you to leave and have a happy life; that was my purpose in saving you.

She answered immediately without thought, "No."

I smiled involuntarily.

Whether she was being honest with herself or me, I couldn't tell. She _should_ be scared of me. Perhaps she answered automatically because she was attempting to not hurt my feelings. The other alternative, that she honestly did not find me scary, was too improbable to consider. I imagined her response if she knew the truth. She would shriek in horror and then probably tell someone in order to protect herself from the monster. I wondered why other humans intuitively knew to fear me, yet she had just said no. Not the no that I needed, but a no to me being scary. She kept saying no to all the wrong things.

"So, now are you going to tell me about your family?" she rebutted.

Of course she didn't want to talk about herself. She never did.

"It's got to be a much more interesting story than mine," she added attempting flattery.

Depends on your definition of interesting, I mentally rebutted. If death, clandestine activities, and complicated family dynamics of three mates and I were interesting, then the answer was yes. I highly doubted that was what she meant though.

Cautiously I asked, "What do you want to know?" recalling what Jessica told Bella on that first day and my joke about being disappointed that there was no horror. How I wish I could take that settlement back now. It really wasn't a joking matter.

"The Cullens adopted you."

Not entirely true, but true enough. "Yes."

With batted breath I waited for the next question trying to figure out how far I could stretch the truth depending on what she asked.

After a few moments had past she asked, "What happened to your parent?"

Some of my nervousness dissipated. This was an easy question. One I could answer completely truthfully.

"They died many years ago."

I watched as her face fell.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled clearly worried that she'd asked a difficult or painful question.

She cared about my feelings? About the fact that they died? Was that just her kind nature or was there something more?

I felt a need to reassure her worry. "I don't really remember them that clearly. Carlisle and Esme have been my parents for a long time now." It was actually nice to tell her something absolutely truthful about myself. I wondered why that was. Was this a critical part to friendship that had evaded me before?

"And you love them," she deduced.

Another easy one. "Yes." I smiled.

In this one matter, luck could not be denied. I had been truly lucky with my first parents and with my second. Rarely does any creature have one set of loving parents and I had been lucky enough to have two.

"I couldn't imagine two better people," I added.

"You are lucky."

Her saying so grew the feeling of affection and connection I felt for them as if her confirmation somehow multiplied my own feelings. That was strange. I didn't know what to make of that.

"I know I am," was all I managed.

Remembering how patient they are with me, how forgiving, how loving. Yes, I was lucky indeed.

"And your brother and sister?"

Are much harder to explain. If I let her push for details, I would have to lie, and I really didn't want to do that. Instead I made an escape route and looked at the clock on the dashboard.

"My brother and sister, and Jasper and Rosalie," making sure I gave nothing away and told the truth, "for that matter, are going to be quite upset if they have to stand in the rain waiting for me."

"Oh, sorry, I guess you have to go." But she sat there as if she was hesitant to leave.

I liked that very very much, way way too much. Her presence was so warm and soothing. The sense of calmness and peace that she brought couldn't be measured against the risk to her and my family. I refused to be that selfish. I _would_ put them first. I could go back to living without these feelings. I have for a long time now. There was the smallest corner of my brain that didn't buy my own argument.

Truck, I reminded myself. "And you probably want your truck back before Chief Swan gets home, so you don't have to tell him abut the Biology incident."

I was pretty sure now that was what she would want, given her not liking attention and being a caretaker. The fact that I was learning what she wanted made me smile. I really wasn't sure why that was either. The library was becoming a museum.

"I'm sure he's already heard. There are no secrets in Forks," she explained with a sigh. She said the name of the town with a distinct distaste.

I laughed at her words. No secrets indeed. If that were true, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

"Have fun at the beach … good weather for sunbathing."

I looked out at the sheet of rain. Alice was extremely reliable.

"Won't I see you tomorrow?"

The disappointment in her voice pleased me and scared me. She caught that I would skip tomorrow. She really was observant.

No, Bella, you can't see me in the sun. I will not be there.

"No. Emmett and I are starting the weekend early."

"What are you going to do?" still sounding disappointed.

Why was she disappointed? What did that mean?

I thought about the answer. There seemed no reason to lie. "We're going to be hiking in the Great Rocks Wilderness, just south of Rainier.

"Well, have fun," she said half-heartedly.

Her lack of enthusiasm was enjoyable to me. Why? Why did this one human girl's responses cause such strong reactions in me? Every possible explanation I dismissed. I was left with nothing. I desperately reminded myself that I was working on walking away and these thoughts and reactions would not be helpful.

I imagined her expressing the same sentiment if she knew what we would be doing. I attempted to keep the smile that was threatening to come out at that thought under wraps. A smile, I decided, would cause her to ask too many questions.

Suddenly I felt down, lower in some immeasurable way. Disappointment? I was disappointed to not have more time with her. That response was unexpected. Great! Another new experience. Esme will be thrilled, I thought bitterly. And it was another unhelpful reaction.

I had never been disappointed before to go hunting with Emmett. I wondered if I should cancel, but as soon as the thought arose I dismissed it. This was more than about hunting. This was about me repairing the strain my actions lately had caused between Emmett and I. No, I definitely should go. At that thought a terrifying idea erupted.

What if something happened to Bella while I was gone? Then my risk would have been for nothing. It would negate what I had accomplished in Esme's and Carlisle's eyes. That would be unacceptable.

I turned and looked deeply into Bella's eyes. "Will you do something for me this weekend?"

She nodded. I knew there was a fair chance she wasn't going to like what I had to say. She didn't like being thought of as weak, so I attempted to make my voice the non-scariest, serene, but authoritative I knew how to do.

"Don't be offended," hopefully this would help smooth her ego, "but you seem to be one of those people who just attract accidents like a magnet. So," you're so breakable and I can't bear the thought of any harm coming to you, especially if that harm is done by me, but since I'll be away, "try not to fall into the ocean or get run over by anything, all right?" I smiled ruefully.

I hoped she could hear my genuine concern, not think of me as some freak for asking her this, and not get too upset by my request especially as her body had already begun to tense.

"I'll see what I can do," she snapped as she opened the car door and jumped into the rain.

She closed the car door with such force that it thudded. She probably wasn't used to the lightweight nature of the door on my Volvo in comparison to her truck.

Her tone seemed a bit abrupt, but she had agreed. I started the Volvo as I curled my hands around her keys that I had just swiped from her pocket, and smiled as I drove away pleased at my improved capacity to speak to her and equally terrified as I realized that I still hadn't managed a no from her.


	24. Chapter 24: I'm Trying, Mom

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

 **The reference to events in 1950 is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 on Fanfiction. She has generously permitted me to write as if it were a part of cannon. I have done so up until her Chapter 39, which is as much as she had written when I started scratching out the framework for this story.**

* * *

I returned to school arriving twelve minutes and change before the bell. Although a part of me was upset that I had decreased the potential time available to spend with Bella, I was pleased at my capacity to leave her. She already knew too much; anything additional must be avoided. Despite my body's irrational behaviour, I was delighted to know that I was still keeping my family's safety paramount. My thoughts, as I reviewed this afternoon with Bella, led me into tricky waters. It seemed that the more time I spent with her, the more time I wanted with her. The critical question I needed to consider was: should I continue to spend time with Bella?

My comments to her that I wouldn't be a good friend were still unequivocally true. Nevertheless, she seemed to have requested for us to be friends, as long as she was being, in her words, "not smart." I began to reject her proposal and attempted to take the steps necessary to conceptualize reinstating the glass wall. Immediately, my whole being cringed. I was forced to dispel the idea before I had a chance to properly assess it. Alice had been right. I no longer had the strength to stay away. My inability to protect Bella from myself was devastating. As long as she was being "not smart," these encounters might continue. Indubitably, we would continue to be lab partners. My only remaining option was to find a way to control or limit how these encounters took place.

I evaluated our interactions today from the perspective of friendship. Certainly, friends sit together at lunch and take care of the other when feeling unwell. Yes, I assured myself, I had done nothing more than behave friendly towards her. I had acted within that role. It was tricky, assuredly, but I believed that I could go through the remaining time of high school with Bella as friends. I wouldn't have to ask Rosalie to move, and then Bella and I would part with Bella moving on with her human life. This, naturally, led to an alarming question. If I were to spend time with Bella, as friends, then how would we avoid topics that led into murky waters? No straightforward answer came to mind.

What about her yes to Seattle? I still categorized her yes as highly suspect. I continued to believe that I had inadvertently persuaded her. Did my requested activity fall into the category of friends? Certainly I had travelled in a car to a joint location with others before. Thinking back to our exchange in the car brought to the forefront of my mind a dangerous question. Before I could stop myself I wondered: if we had met before my change, would I have wanted to court her? Certainly, just because she was the first person of the female gender that I had been attracted to, didn't necessarily mean that I needed to court her, I reminded myself. Us being friends was one thing, but to court a female, and not just any female, but a human girl meant …

As the image came into my mind, my body cried out, yes. This was the direction it wanted to go. No, I commanded myself. I would not condemn my angel to death. Alice might be right that whatever was happening to my body was preventing me from walking away, which was exactly why Bella's no was so critical. Nevertheless, these physical reactions didn't mean that I _liked_ her in _that_ way. Yes, I would go along with Bella's wish for us to be friends until she said no or I found the strength to leave, whichever came first.

However unhelpful my physical responses had been, they did expose an important element I had not yet considered. I had first seen Bella from the view of the monster. This was clouding my thinking, I reasoned. Certainly my physical reactions were stemming from what I am. I remembered that fateful day when Mike asked Bella to the dance and how my emotions and the monster had each fought for her. It seemed obvious given the intensity each carried that my physical reactions were from the worst part of what I am. If I had caged the monster, certainly I could cage these emotions as well. As the memory of that day filled me it brought into my mind images of courting her. This again. I tried to end this thought. Before I could the next question came.

Did I, the monster and murderer, want to court the angel? Oh, I knew I wasn't worthy. I knew I _shouldn't_ court her for her own good. I knew I wasn't good for her. I knew an angel deserved more than something like me. Despite this my whole being seemed to yearn for her. Esme's words kept coming back to me. Didn't Bella deserve the chance to say no? I knew that, in part, I had listened to Esme's advice selfishly. I needed to be able to walk away and to do that I needed a no from Bella. Esme's advice had given me a window to exit stage left gracefully and with dignity. These new wonderings regarding courting Bella were simply my mind taking things too far. Just because Esme had recommended that I give Bella the chance to say no, didn't mean she intended to suggest that we _court_. Sure, she had hoped that I felt more than attraction and desire, but that was obviously not the case.

A part of me didn't want to stay away from Bella. I meant what I had said to her. I wasn't sure I could stay away, and that part of me didn't want to live in the periphery of her life. That part of me, I began to realize, also had selfish motivations. From its perspective, if I gave Bella the option to say no, then there was an inconceivable chance that she might say yes. And in that most unlikely of chances, then the miser that it was, it would take what it didn't deserve and shouldn't covet. No, I insisted. I couldn't condemn her or my family to the consequences of that choice. I might have told my siblings not so subtly that I was giving up on being good and letting the chips lie where they may, but that _did not_ include their annihilation.

Certainly Bella didn't care for me in _that_ way. A human couldn't have genuine affection for a monster. However, attraction could be possible. Tanya was attracted to me. Human females often were attracted to me due to the allure my body produced to bring in prey. Was she attracted to me? I tried to compare the body reactions I had heard in Mrs. Cope and Mrs. Hammond along with Jessica and other high school girls whose thoughts signalled their attraction to me with Bella's physical reactions. The problem I immediately ran into with this comparison was that the same bodily responses–racing heart, shallower breathing, and increase of adrenaline–were also the same reactions for fear. Perhaps if I paid closer attention to Bella's physical responses over time and in different situations I could deduce a slight, if not meaningful distinction. Did I even want her to be attracted to me? The idea electrified my body in excitement and terrified me beyond compare.

This would all be solved if I were a normal man, a human man. For the first time in my existence I more than wished, I ached to be human. I imagined what it would be like if I were human, to be able to hold her hand, to run my fingers up her arm, to hold her wrist while I examined her elbow and kissed her on the inside crevice, to hold her face in my hands, to be able to put my lips onto hers. Stop it! I command myself. I could not think like this as much as my body desired me to.

I was not a normal man. I could not be a normal man. What good could ever come if the answer from Bella was yes anyway? I could do none of the things expected of a husband. If the relationship was intrinsically limited from the beginning, what was the point? For her to say yes, generally, was highly unlikely, but with the knowledge of the relationship limitations I would bring was inconceivable. No woman no matter how sweet, kind, and selfless would want to be with someone who could never satisfy her carnal desires or give her children. No, I resolved, once again, she would not say yes, but I would appease my mother by allowing Bella to declare her no.

The memories of how many times Rosalie had wished that she were human flittered through my mind. I always had known that she vehemently wished to be human since the moment she realised her change, less once Emmett came into her life, but I had never felt the weight of it like this. The weight of wanting something so much with your whole being, but being unable to have it, was so deafening. Is this what Rosalie feels? Her anger, her temper, her outburts seemed to take on a new light. I had quantified her, reasoned that I knew her, but here with this feeling I felt like I understood her in a way that I never had before. Compassion on a level I never had prior filled me.

I wondered if Jasper understood us like this. As he felt our feelings, did he understand us in a way that we did not even understand ourselves? Given my experience with his intervention shortly after he arrived with Alice, I knew that he saw a part of my family I did not. But to know us better than we knew ourselves? It was possible I reasoned. Did that mean he knew my infatuation before I did? If he did, he had never given me any sign that he had. He really was remarkable, more so in my eyes with this dawning. I had asked him about his gift in the first decade of joining our family, but this seemed qualitatively different than his explanation.

Perhaps that is why he says so little. What are words when you can experience the sentiment?

I thought I had understood my family because I heard their thoughts. Now with these internal shifts in how I saw Rosalie and Jasper I began to wonder if I really only knew them. Maybe I didn't really _understand_ them. What if, like with reading human expressions, I had allowed my gift to fuel my arrogance and keep me from understanding my family? Now that was a sobering thought. Was it possible for my gift, my greatest strength, to have become my Achilles heel? With that another piece of whom I believed myself to be crumbled away.

My mind went back to Bella and what I would never be able to offer her, all the things that I knew Rosalie wanted, all the things that Bella would want. I hung my head. I was trapped in an endless loop that had no solution. The feelings I had for Bella I had never felt before even before I was changed. Because of Bella I felt entirely vulnerable and breakable. I felt alive. I felt as human as I ever had, but could never be. I stared at my white hands hating their hardness, their coldness, their strength. I am turning into Rosalie …

I jumped when the passenger door opened.

 _Caught you by surprise. That's a first_. Emmett thought as he laughed mildly. "What's up your butt?" he teased as he slid into the front seat.

"I was … doing good deeds."

Now with Emmett here I realized the cataclysmic problem in my plan to be chivalrous. Her scent told them that she had been in the car with me. There was no way to deny it. Great! Just what I wanted, I thought sarcastically.

 _Huh?_ Emmett thought.

I chuckled. His utter confusion was amusing. "Caring for the sick, that kind of thing."

That confused him even more with it now written on his face. Then he inhaled and caught a whiff of Bella's scent. _Oh._ "The girl again?"

I grimaced.

 _This is getting weird._

"Tell me about it," I mumbled, the thought that I might be turning into Rosalie returning.

He inhaled again. "Hmm, she does have quite the flavour, doesn't she?"

A snarl rumbled in my chest and broke through my lips before his words had even registered all the way. I caught myself off guard. Why would I respond that way? The ruminations that she could be my mate returned. It certainly would explain my reaction. But I had already eliminated that possibility. What options did that leave me with? Once again I was acting uncharacteristically and had no reasonable explanation.

"Easy mate. I'm just sayin.'"

I knew that, but I had nothing to offer Emmett for my behaviour. Even an apology seemed inappropriate in the circumstance. Thankfully he had cleared my mind enough that it was brought to my attention that Rosalie was almost to the car.

She slid into her regular spot in the back behind Emmett. She noticed the scent at once and glowered at me hurling mental insults.

Just then Jasper came and stood outside watching as Alice skipped to the car. I rolled down my window knowing that she had most likely already seen the plan. She held out her hand.

"I only saw that I was. You'll have to tell me the whys."

 _Not likely_ I thought to myself, but keeping anything from Alice was extremely difficult. She would figure it out eventually anyway, if she didn't already know.

I thought about Jasper's ability, his and my exchange in the cafeteria, and what he already knew. He had agreed not to say anything. Would that include Alice? Probably not. She wanted her image of being Bella's best friend. And they were mates.

"This doesn't mean–"

"I know, I know. I'll wait. I won't be long now."

My shoulders sank. Fighting Alice was like fighting the weather. I gave her the key.

Jasper got in the car and registered the scent of a human. His mind began to be filled with a similar scene to the one he had on Bella's first day only with Bella taking centre stage, but as soon as it began he fought it. Like with Emmett I could not stop a growl, but this time I was able to stop it from leaving my lips. I knew he was trying. Not that her scent had, for any of them, a thousandth portion of the draw it had for me. Nevertheless, it upset me that her blood registered for them the way it had.

 _The girl?_ Jasper wondered.

I nodded yes slightly.

 _Ah._

Alice had backed up Bella's truck and was out the parking lot with me following. On the way I wondered what Jasper had meant by his last statement. How much did he know? Was it possible that he actually knew more about what was happening between Bella and I than I did? That was a jarring thought. Did I want to know what Jasper saw? No. Definitely not. He had already decided that the best way forward was to turn Bella. Any conversation with him regarding her would only create a greater strain between us and I didn't want that.

Alice, of course, knew exactly where to park Bella's truck, if I could have ever doubted her. The rain was pounding down like a million tiny hammers, so loud that probably with human hearing Bella would not hear the thunder of the truck's engine. Nevertheless I watched her window. She didn't come to look out. There was no way for me to know if she was there or not. There were no thoughts to hear, and the rain drowned out everything else. I felt disappointed that I couldn't check on her in my usual way to make sure, at least, that she was safe.

Always the gentleman, Jasper got out of the car allowing Alice to slide into her regular spot. Jasper climbed in; we sped home. The roads were empty, so it only took a few minutes. I was filled with my new found awareness of Rosalie and Jasper. As we exited the car Jasper looked at me quizzically, but said nothing. I wonder what emotion he tasted from me. Whatever it was, it wasn't the risk of talking to him about it.

Jasper and Emmett went back to playing of a complex game of chess with eight boards and their own complicated set of rules. They must have started when I wasn't home. Alice went to her computer to work on some clothing designs. Their minds were each engrossed in their activities.

It was something that I had missed. Not that I had a lot of interest in what Alice designed. Months ago Jasper and Rosalie had remade the computer to respond to Alice's cooler temperature than it was programmed for, but I had never really marvelled at it. I stood reflecting on the hours they had spent just to make this process a little easier for Alice.

Rosalie was sprawled sullenly on the sofa, scrolling as quickly as the remote would let her through the cable channels debating if she wanted to retune her BMW. For a moment I wished that I could share with her my new understanding, but I knew it would embarrass us both. Instead I said nothing. As I stood there I confirmed that I did feel closer to her in some intangible way. Maybe that was enough.

Esme was upstairs busying herself with details of some charity event that was in the next month humming to herself.

The thought that I previously had not understood my family entered me. I found myself feeling sad about the possibilities of what I might have missed over the last six weeks. There was love in this house. We protected and defended each other. We helped make each other lives happier. For the briefest of seconds I wondered if they would aid me in my happiness, even if they didn't approve.

Alice leaned her head around the wall and mouthed to Jasper Emmett's next moves while Emmett sat with his back to Alice. Jasper kept his face expressionless as he cut off Emmet's favourite knight.

This is why Alice, and I for that matter, aren't allowed to play chess. The others have decided that our abilities give us an unfair advantage. We have played each other on occasion, though.

I had been running away as soon as I got home for so many weeks now that being here felt out of place in some strange way. I missed my music and decided to recreate the melody I'd heard just two hours ago. It seemed like so much had happened since then. I sat down and ran my hands gently up the scales, testing the pitch. It was perfect. I began the first line of the tune. It sounded even better on the piano than it had in my head.

 _Edward is playing again,_ thought Esme joyously. She stopped whatever activity she had been working on and listened.

I added a harmonizing line, letting the central melody weave through it.

Esme sighed with contentment. _A new song. It's been so long. What a lovely tune._

Had it really been that long? I thought back to the last time I composed. I let the melody lead in a new direction, exploring where it might lead, following it with the base line.

 _Edward is composing again?_ Rosalie thought and clenched her teeth in fierce resentment. Her thoughts began to connect my behaviour and Bella's scent in the car with my much improved mood. She was attempting to divert her thoughts in order to not give the reason for her resentment away, but she was not able.

The music abruptly stopped. I looked at Rosalie in shock before I was able to stop myself.

Rosalie turned to glare at me, burning holes in me with her eyes.

Emmett and Jasper paused their game, Alice stopped what she was doing, and Esme came down the stairs.

"Don't stop, Edward," Esme encouraged.

I started playing again, turning my attention to the song. Rosalie stormed out the room more angry than embarrassed, but definitely embarrassed. _If you say anything I will hunt you like a dog,_ she snarled at me. I smothered a laugh, as her mental picture was hilarious. I recalled the feeling I had earlier when I wished so dearly that I could be human. I had felt jealousy just yesterday. I might not understand Rosalie completely, but maybe for the first time I believed that I could grasp what it felt like to be in her shoes. I wouldn't wish them. Certainly Rosalie would conclude that my smothered laugh was at her distress. It might have been two days ago, but not today. No, not today. Her emotions were her own doing I'd always known that, but today I felt slight pity.

"What's wrong, Rose?" Emmett called after her. Rosalie didn't turn. She marched out to the garage as if a car held the answer.

"What's the about?" Emmett asked me.

"Ask Rosalie."

Emmett grumbled, frustrated. I felt bad for him, but I would not divulge Rosalie's inner world, even to Emmett.

"Keep playing," Esme urged. My hands had stopped playing almost on their own accord.

The song was compelling, but innocent. Yet it was still missing something. I wasn't sure what.

"It's charming. Does it have a name yet?" Esme asked.

"Not yet."

"Is there a story to it?" she inquired with a smile in her voice.

I think she already suspected the answer. Esme seemed genuinely pleased to hear me play. I reprimanded myself for neglecting my music, for running off every night for six weeks. It was selfish of me. I could see that now. I felt guilty that I had taken something away from Esme that she loved. I would have to work harder to be a better son. I was uncertain of how to do that considering I was betting against Esme's desire to see me mated, but I would need to find a way.

"It's … a lullaby, I suppose."

Suddenly the bridge came to me. It led easily to the next movement, taking on a life of its own.

"A lullaby," she repeated softly to herself as if she'd just been given a huge puzzle piece.

There was of course a story to this melody. Once I saw it, the notes fell into place effortlessly. The story was of a sleeping girl, an angel who brought life to a stone.

Alice paused her project and came and sat next to me on the bench. In her trilling, wind chime voice, she sketched out a wordless decant two octaves above the melody.

"I like it," I murmured, "But how about this?" adding her line to the harmony. My hands were flying across the keys now to work all the pieces together modifying it a bit, taking it in a new direction –

–She caught the mood, and sung along.

"Yes. Exactly." I nodded as I played.

I could see the end now. Alice's voice rose above the tune and took it to another place. There was only one logical end to this song, because the angel was perfect just the way she was. Any change at all would be wrong, a sadness, an unnecessary loss. The song drifted toward that reality, slower and lower now. Alice's voice lowered, too, and became solemn, a tone that belonged under the echoing arches of a candlelit cathedral.

I played the last note, and then bowed my head over the keys.

Esme stroked my hair. _Have hope, Edward. Everything will work out for the best. You_ deserve _happiness, my son._

"Thanks," I whispered, wishing on my mother's faith.

 _Did you get a chance to ask her?_

I nodded yes.

 _What was her reply?_

I shrugged.

 _How can you not be sure?_

"We shared lunch together and she requested to be friends," I explained quietly.

Esme pondered the news.

 _That's not really the full story, Edward._ Alice chided. _You took her_ home _, don't forget. That seems like much more than she requesting to be friends._

I glared at her. Nosy sister. She needed to keep her own wishes to herself.

Esme's ponderings turned into something more. _Remember what I said, son. Love doesn't always come in convenient packages._

I laughed once dryly remembering my day with Bella. No, this certainly wasn't love.

 _You, out of everyone on this planet, are perhaps best equipped to deal with such a difficult quandary. You are the best and the brightest of us all._

I sighed. I didn't feel equipped, quite the opposite. My human mother had voiced similar thoughts. It is the way of mothers to think these things of their sons, I concluded.

Joy radiated from Esme's face. She seemed to be of the opinion that a female had touched my heart. No matter the potential for tragedy, it warmed Esme. I wished, for her sake, that I agreed. I would have liked to make Esme happy. Through the years I had caught snippets of Esme's thoughts of concern regarding love and me.

 _She'll have to love you back_ …

I didn't have the heart to tell Esme that my behaviours did not stem from love.

 _If she's a bright girl._ She smiled. _I can't imagine anyone, even a human, being so slow they wouldn't see what a catch_ you _are._

"Stop it, Mom, you're making me blush," I teased dismissing Esme's hopes entirely. Nevertheless, her words did cheer me.

Alice laughed. _You can't fool us women_ , she warned and picked out the top part of "Heart and Soul." I grinned and completed the simple harmony with her. I wasn't trying to fool anyone. It wasn't my fault if they were reading things into it that simply weren't there. Then I favoured her with a performance of "Chopsticks."

She giggled then sighed. "I so wish you'd tell me what happened between you and Rose, but I can see that you won't."

"Nope," and I smiled.

She flicked my ear with her finger.

"Be nice, Alice," chided Esme. "Edward is being a gentleman."

I am trying, Mom, I ruminated to myself.

"But I want to _know_."

I laughed at her whining tone she put on. I turned to Esme. "Here Esme," and began to play her favourite song, an unnamed tribute to the love I'd watched between her and Carlisle for so many years.

"Thank you, dear." She squeezed my shoulder again.

I didn't have to concentrate to play the familiar piece. I let the music fill me.

As I was playing Carlisle came home. I heard him go to his office and do his regular back from work routine. As the song ended, he came out and watched us all in the living room. He had a look of bemused contentment on his face.

 _Come out with me, son,_ he instructed.

"Dad, Emmett and I were going to go hunting in the Great Rocks Wilderness starting tomorrow. Alice said the weather's going to be sunny."

"Sounds like fun." _Come with me._

"Sure."

I got up giving an apologetic look to Esme and Alice. Neither seemed upset. Both went back to their activities while Carlisle and I left the house. He ran leading the way. I had always been faster than him, but today the weight of what he might say slowed me and I simply followed behind.


	25. Chapter 25: The Talk

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

 **Jessica314 wrote the specifics referenced here during Edward's rebellious period in her story Tale of Years: 1927.**

* * *

After Carlisle had travelled over five miles he went over to a large boulder and sat down.

As we ran, I gathered that he wanted to get a clear understanding of what was happening with me. He had assumed that since I hadn't run away for the night that I was ready to talk.

For an instant I wished that I _had_ run away. Then, I remembered the joy playing music had given Esme and rejected the wish.

His thoughts were full of possible consequences for the family depending on what was happening with me.

I was relieved that he hadn't yet considered punishments for my horrendous behaviour over the last twenty-four hours. I hoped that was because my siblings had kept their word and had not said anything. I expected that would change once he knew what had happened today. I was most anxious about the look of disappointment he was bound to have. The only time I had seen that look was in his memory from the moment when he had first realized that I had rejected vegetarianism shortly after I had left him and Esme. Disappointment not withstanding, I figured that since he hadn't thrown me out for exposing us; he wouldn't over today. Especially, as talking to Bella had been Esme's idea. With that reassurance in mind, I turned to face him.

 _You seem to be in higher spirits,_ he noted _._

I wondered why he was starting there. I nodded. I couldn't not deny that. Even Rosalie had noticed.

 _Anything to do with Bella?_

Shame washed over my face, my jaw clenched, and my body tensed. I nodded unwillingly. Simultaneously, I felt this irrational urge to prepare to protect and defend Bella in case he might defame her character in some way. I forced my muscles one by one to relax reminding myself that this was Carlisle, the epitome of compassion, care, self-control, and pacifism. For goodness sake. He had already verbalized his unwillingness to change her. If it was one family member that I didn't need to protect Bella from, it was Carlisle.

 _What's different, son?_ he asked. His face was a strange contortion of concern and a hint of fear. His thoughts were full of fragmented statements that both contained compassion and unease.

I pondered his question. What had changed? Everything. But how to explain it? How could I articulate that I was attracted to and wanted nothing good for the girl who was by far the greatest risk my family had faced?

Talking to Esme this morning seemed so much less daunting. Standing here, facing him, I realized how caught I was in Carlisle's shadow. What would he say? Would he respect me if he knew my sentiments? Would he forbid me to have contact with her? Would he alter his mind about changing her? There were so many possibilities. I froze in fear, while simultaneously reaching out to his mind trying to draw out his thoughts. I pressed into his mind as much as I believed I could without violating his mental blockades. I heard nothing to give me an indication of what his reaction might be.

After a while the lines in his face increased and his face fell even more. "It's okay, Edward. You can talk to me. I won't dismember you. I promise." A distressed smile began, but his eyes continued to communicate apprehension.

Was me not talking making it worse for him? His joke eased me slightly.

His mind continued to be filled with nothing but worries and concerns.

"I don't know what to say," I admitted finally. Somehow I always managed to feel this way around Carlisle during these types of conversations despite the passage of time. I was caught between wanting a friend with whom to share my burdens and needing a father who would approve of me. I wished I could look him in the eye as an equal; instead, my eyes gravitated to the boulder below his feet.

"I get that Edward, but, son, we've gone through too much the hard way to learn that us _not_ talking is the opposite of helpful."

Yes. I knew this. He was reminding me of my familial obligations. I sat down on the ground and pulled myself to my knees.

His thoughts radiated possible risks for our family and for me, as if my silence was increasing his emotional unease. Nevertheless, he was convinced that whatever the issue his mind could conjure and was holding me from speaking the family could solve together.

"I stopped running away last night," tumbled out rapidly like a cork being released from a champagne bottle. I was uncertain as to why I started there.

"Did Alice come and talk to you?" he asked gentle in a soft tone. A memory of watching Alice leave the house passed through his mind along with the concurrent concerns for me and wonderings if Alice would help me with whatever had been causing me to run.

He doesn't miss anything, I bemused to myself. "Yes." My answer came out terse, as I had become aware that keeping what was going on from him was going to be more difficult that I had imagined. I tried to figure out how much I could tell him so that he would feel satisfied with my answers without exposing all my sins.

 _How come?_ The tenor of the question was curiosity.

Was it possible that he wanted to chat merely because he was concerned and curious? Certainly, that had been the case many times before. Intrinsically, without explanation, as if pulling on hidden memories, I believed that there had to be more to these chats. Otherwise I had been a great fool for all these years and my fear of chastisement had been completely unfounded. I pushed these thoughts entirely aside.

The answer to his question was straightforward enough, but it led into many revelations I had been attempting to avoid. I saw no alternative but to answer honestly, hoping his curiosity would be satisfied quickly. "Her vision kept changing and she was concerned. She came to talk to me about it." Straightforward. Simple. Truth.

He patiently sat looking at me, waiting expectantly, his face completely neutral.

I guess he wasn't going to let me off the hook that easily. I held myself tighter and took an unnecessary deep breath. Despite the circumstances, he scent in my lungs was reassuring.

"Things were changing too rapidly in me."

 _Uh-huh …_ He kept his mind blank seemingly in order to simply wait expecting more …

"It was causing rapid changes in her visions," I hedged as I chanced a glance at his face through my eyelashes.

He looked the same. _Yes …_ I heard his mind relay to me in a gentle nudging way.

"Because ... I became aware that I was jealous," I spat at him. I hung my head in humiliation.

Was this what you wanted to know? I asked him internally, angry with him for forcing me to admit my frailty. Now you can see my failure. This had been the emotion that had been my undoing. I really had been fine until then. I deserved his judgement and condemnation for becoming jealous in relation to the very human that held the power to annihilate my family and perhaps everyone in the town. In this light, my inability to control my emotions and maintain the glass wall between Bella and I seemed even greater.

 _Ah … I see._

His response seemed to indicate that my answer explained things to him. What things? What did he see? Why weren't there even thoughts of surprise? I was confused and irritated. What wasn't he telling me?

His thoughts didn't give me any answers. Instead they refocused on my well-being. _Why didn't you come home with Alice?_

"I didn't like what she said," I answered truthfully but carefully. Carlisle knew me well. I could not successfully lie outright, but I had become expertly skilled through the years in living with a house of pairs of how to hide what was happening with me. I never wanted them to catch on to how much their coupleness pained me at times. Because I was also happy for them.

An image of Bella with red eyes came into his mind.

I growled involuntarily. Fortunately, I caught myself _before_ I moved to attack him.

He dismissed the image as soon as it came up. We sat there a while with him not thinking anything specific, simply absorbing the information, categorizing it, sorting it, creating hypotheses and then discarding them.

All the while, I watched him simply waiting.

Finally, he found a hypothesis he could not logically reject. The neutrality was gone. His face fell and he asked with gravity, "You're in love?"

I sat stunned unable to answer. We sat in silence for another long stretch of time. I tried to not allow my thoughts to consume me regarding what a failure and disappointment I must be to him for that to be his first conclusion. To be in love with a human! How ridiculous. I wondered briefly if he knew me at all. _He_ had been able to walk away from Esme when she had been human. I continued to fall short of his standard. Eventually I shook my head no. No, this wasn't love.

 _What then?_ The tenor of the question seemed that he was confused.

Did he really believe that I was in love? I couldn't consider the consequences of the answer because appallingly I had allowed him to back me into divulging my true feelings. Now I had no choice but to admit my greatest ignominy.

I closed my eyes. "I am attracted to her," I confessed with tremendous remorse.

The memory of her insistence of friendship came to me. Then I remembered my thoughts, just hours ago, regarding us attempting friendship. A friendship, no matter how bad for her, held no comparison to the risk of attraction. How easy it would be to slip into her room and just take her. My whole body was enlivened by the mere thought. I balled my hands into fists, compelled my body to stiffen, drove my mind to think on other things, forced my eyes open, and commanded every part of my body one by one to let go of that desire and to return to the present moment with Carlisle watching me wearily.

 _Well, it was bound to happen eventually,_ was the first and briefest thought he had. He seemed to mentally force himself not to think along those lines and instead consider the risks. By the time I opened my eyes I saw him watching me carefully his worry lines had deepened aging him beyond his usual appearance of twenty-three years.

I felt laid bare, raw, exposed. My struggle to contain my own physical reactions to something so simple was now apparent.

"That's …" he struggled for the right word, thinking one and then rejecting it until he settled on "troubling." Images of our cousins came to his mind.

I flinched at the comparison, no matter how close it might be. "Yes," was all that I could muster.

Was that what was happening? I didn't want to have a casual relationship with any female. I wanted what Esme and Carlisle had. I was willing to wait for it. Nevertheless, was it possible that Bella had awoken desire that Tanya, for all her attempts, had been unable?

 _Does Bella return your sentiments?_

"Not that I can tell," but my voice was uncertain.

Without being able to read Bella's mind, nothing was certain. I didn't want to try to imagine the level of uncertainty my family members, who weren't perhaps Alice, lived with. Conceivably, this explained Jasper's readiness, Rosalie's dislike of change, Emmett's laissez-faire attitude … I pushed away the thought. It was just too much to consider.

Carlisle nodded gravely. I began to relax my grip around my knees.

 _Would it be best if we moved?_

"Rosalie would be furious."

He considered that. _She owes you. She would adjust._

But she would be unbearable to live with _,_ I added to myself _._ My true rejection of this idea was yet another thing I hadn't wanted to disclose to Carlisle, but I saw no alternative. His argument was too airtight otherwise.

"I don't think I'm strong enough to be able to stay away," I revealed. My humiliation at my own body's betrayal of what I knew was right clung to the words.

 _Oh …_

I became terrified that he would see my situation fully. "But I'm working on it," I pointed out with fervency and determination in my voice. "I figure it's just like the bloodlust. With more exposure and practise, I'll get better with it. A few weeks, maybe a month or two."

His thoughts indicated that he wasn't buying it.

Perchance I was being overly optimistic? "Even if it takes longer, I figure I could just go along with Bella's suggestion of friendship until we graduate. That's only fifteen months away."

It seemed as if his mind hadn't taken in my argument at all.

Initially I became frustrated. Did he not believe I was strong enough? Certainly if I could resist her blood, I could resist this? Then I grew irritated.

I watched as his mind put other pieces together. He contemplated the likelihood of her being my mate.

Why had it not dawned on him that I would have already considered that possibility?

His mind seemed to automatically go to the first time he had met Esme. He held the image of sixteen-year-old Esme in his mind for a while lingering on all that he experienced in those moments.

I had never seen that time with Esme in such rich detail. The sixteen-year-old girl who had fallen out of a tree reading really had intrigued him. When his analysis was done he concluded. _Surely not, she's human after all._ He mentally turned back to me. _Is there more than attraction and jealousy?_

This was a far easier question. I hoped the worst was over. "No, just strong reactions that are related to those emotions."

He weighed that. _Anything else?_

Naturally, he would want more than my emotional state. Out of reluctance and embarrassment I spoke my confession quickly. "Well, Esme suggested this morning when I came home to get ready for school that I give Bella the opportunity to reject my sentiments. So, I asked Bella if I could accompany her on an outing, and then we sat together at lunch. Bella requested that we be friends despite my insistence that I would not be a good friend for her."

I swear between Esme and Alice and then Bella that women determined to force me into dangerous, impossible, never good situations surrounded me.

The end result of my last attempt at having a human friend entered Carlisle's mind.

I flinched at the memories that conjured. That was exactly why I was no good for Bella. Every human that had touched my life ended up dead or in hospital, including my parents. The tragedy that my presence brought others filled me with despair.

 _If she's insistent, even after he's warned her …_ "How are you going to keep the truth from her?"

His unspoken assumption that I had not revealed anything more meant a lot to me. I might be a curse to humans, but Carlisle had just demonstrated his belief in me as a member of his family. There I had a place where I wasn't a catastrophe waiting to happen, although my behaviour since Bella's arrival challenged the validity of that assumption. This is exactly why I needed that no from Bella. So, I could walk away and put this behind me returning to the role in my family that I had since Jasper and Alice had joined us and that I had lost because of Bella.

"I don't know." I looked at my knees.

Now that he knew what happened today at school I waited for his admonishment.

 _Any way that she would guess it?_ he asked. I searched his mind. I could find not one rebuke or even a disappointment, only a mind bent on protecting me and his family.

I was taken back. Was it possible that he trusted me even now? I couldn't consider the answer, and how unworthy of that I would be. Instead, I focused on his question. I briefly considered the possibility that she could find out from the Quileute elders. Doing so would break the treaty and since they no longer had the wolves to protect them I doubted they would do that.

"I don't see how." My slight pause produced a questioning look on Carlisle's face. "Right now she thinks that I'm a superhero from a comic book. I ruled out Spiderman and Superman from her list of contenders."

An image of the original Spiderman and Superman with my face flittered momentarily in his mind. He looked like he was suppressing a grin.

I frowned tremendously. This wasn't a joking manner.

His expression went from curious to surprise. _Has her mind opened to you?_

"No," I looked back at my knees, "I asked at lunch."

A slight smile emerged on Carlisle's face and the memories of the young Esme that he spent time talking to when he knew he shouldn't went through his mind. Even at sixteen Carlisle's memories of Esme contained so much of the Esme I had grown to love, admire, and cherish.

"How did you let her go? And not covet her?" I demanded. I hadn't meant to be oppositional. I didn't want to upset him. Nevertheless, I had spoken before I could retract.

Suddenly he looked ashamed. "I did, son. I did. I did covet her." _My fear that I might kill her combined with my belief that she would have a better life without me stopped me from acting on it._ Sadness and regret coloured his features momentarily. He paused for a long time, shifting through his thoughts.

His confession eased me tremendously. I might not be as strong as Carlisle and be able to resist completely as he had, but at least we shared the same intensions.

 _Have you reconsidered changing Bella?_ he asked gently.

"No! Of course not!" I growled my whole body wanting to pounce in order to tear him apart. With great determination I held myself in place. With purpose I calmed my voice to a more normal level. "You know better than anyone that I would not condemn a soul to this life, Carlisle."

Fortunately, my latter sentence and emphasis on Carlisle reminded him of our philosophical arguments regarding this issue. "Of course," he replied with a sad tone.

 _That could make things very difficult for you,_ he concluded. In his mind he pictured me attempting to resist her blood and my attraction to her. He didn't paint a pretty picture.

I hung my head again. "I know, but I don't see another option."

He weighed all the possibilities as he saw them. If I didn't have the strength to leave and I wouldn't turn her … he tried to see an alternative that would contain our secret with the new information he had. _You leave me in a difficult position, my son._

"I know. I tried to stay away from her, Dad, really." Shame washed my face again. As I had tightened myself against my knees once more, I doubted that he saw my expression.

My six weeks of running flittered across his mind before he reassembled himself. I watched in his memory as he had followed my trail once.

I wondered how I had missed his scent on the way back. That wasn't a good sign. What other important things might have I missed?

He looked at me until I raised my gaze and he caught my eyes. The intensity there surprised me. "You are a critical part of our family, son."

I looked at him incredulously. Obviously he and Esme would miss me, probably Alice too, but critical? No. But this wasn't the time or place to argue the point.

He seemed to waver between pressing it and letting it go. Keeping his prior intense eye contact he decided on, "We all love you in our own way. The house hasn't been the same without you."

Yes, I could see that. I nodded slightly.

My connection to them seemed richer since Bella entered my life; she had inadvertently helped me understand them better. I hadn't spent any extended amount of time away from my family in over seventy years. "I've missed you all as well," was all that I could manage.

Even though he had no better solutions than I had, I felt grateful to express my struggles to him. I might not meet his standard, but his wisdom and strength was of great comfort. We both sat absorbed in the reality of what I, and by proxy, my family faced. I kept monitoring his thoughts for when they would reach the obvious conclusion: I was weak.

Eventually he shook his head. _I am proud of your self-restraint that has allowed the Swan child to live._

What? He was proud of me? He was impressed with my self-restraint? I entertained the possibility that he might not chastise me. The thought of my weakness clung to me. I hung my head. "But not enough to stay away from her, to allow her to live a human life unencumbered by my presence."

"Attraction is not the same as bloodlust, my son. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

"You managed with Esme," I spat accusingly wishing as it exited my mouth that I could control myself better.

He showed no signs that I had upset him. _Not really,_ he responded. Sadness, regret, and disappointment coloured his tone. _She was not very far from my thoughts. It was good that I was already scheduled to leave that hospital shortly after. Multiple times I considered some excuse that would permit me to go back to her parents' home. In the end, I knew the risk was too great. Even still, it was hard to leave after spending only a few hours with her. You have spent six weeks sitting next to Bella. And more, you were asked by your family to keep an eye on her._ He closed his eyes. His internal tone changed as if he was talking to himself, something he rarely did around me unless it was about patients.

 _I should have kept what he shared in the car ride on the way back from the hospital in the forefront of my mind. If I hadn't been so neglectful, I would not have agreed to what the family requested of him at the meeting. I would have seen the natural progression towards attraction. So much time focused on a female that he already hungered for in another way. This is what started him on the path that led to him leaving our family last time. … I should have realised sooner that it would have been too much for him to prevent. I was so focused on the needs of the family that I didn't fully consider the consequences to him._

He turned his gaze towards me and looked at me requesting, "Can you forgive me?"

As I heard his thought about poor Margaret, I considered arguing that she was certainly not the reason I rebelled against being vegetarian. But his question combined with me only being able to hear in his thoughts fragments of self-flagellation and self-doubt stopped me. I hadn't heard him like this since he turned Rosalie. I looked at him shocked. I couldn't fully grasp what he was saying. Half formed ideas spun through my head, but nothing made sense.

He watched me closely as he ran his right hand through his hair. When he saw my look, he shook his head.

"Have I not told you about the birds and the bees?" he asked softly with a twinkle in his eye and an emerging smile.

I was appalled. "Dad!" I had watched two pairings and I often was invaded with lewd thoughts, fantasies, and memories from my family and strangers. The question was insultive. I might look seventeen, but surely he wouldn't think that my knowledge on the subject was the same as when he had changed me.

He stifled a threatening smirk. He rifled through his memories. _No, I don't suppose I have._ _I'm so sorry. We should have had this conversation decades ago._ He organized his thoughts.

 _I'm not entirely sure how it works, of course,_ he began as he looked at me steadily. _But when I lived with the Volturi I was curious regarding how our kind mate, not the mechanics mind you, more the difference between attraction and mating, and the irresistible pull mates have to be together. I had observed that it seemed very difficult for mates in the Italian coven to be apart for very long, with it being harder on some more than others. I attempted to find everything I could in the library, but there really wasn't anything substantial. Then one day I had the opportunity to ask Aro._ An image of Aro in his office with Carlisle standing by the door looking awkward passed through his mind.

 _He said that the pull of mates that I observed began prior to consummation and that it was all but impossible to resist. I wondered how it compared to the pull towards our kinds' natural diet, but I kept that question to myself. When I met Esme these questions came back to me, naturally. When Esme was human there was interest and curiosity I hadn't experienced with most humans, but really it was once she was turned that I felt the impossible pull Aro had described. Surely you remember._

I nodded. I was fascinated by this aspect of his time in Volterra that he had never divulged previously, but his statement pulled my mind into the memories shortly after Esme was changed. I remembered how quickly Carlisle's and Esme's thoughts mirrored one another and how much they both tried not to think of the other in inappropriate ways, but this pull he was describing wouldn't have shown up in thoughts. Even when he recalled the experience, I couldn't feel the physical responses present for him. Surely he knew that. That was Jasper's gift's expertise.

 _My personal experience is that the pull towards a mate is much more difficult to resist than blood. My hypothesis is that the potency of the pull has to do with it tugging on our previous human nature as well as our present one. The electrical current you described can be a sign of our kind's attraction to another and, from what I understand, might be a potential indication that a mate match is possible. Anyway,_ refocusing his thoughts, _my present conclusion is that there are significant differences between the desire of human blood and the desire of a mate. One, over time the desire of human blood can be overcome and eventually diminish while the desire to be with a mate does not. Two, we can live rather full lives without human blood, but once our kind are mated if he or she is lost, then it leaves an emptiness that can not be filled._

The pictures that he painted were dire. The clearest image was one of the Volturi, Marcus, apathetic.

"What happened?"

"His mate was killed."

"Ah."

So my only choice to ascertain if Bella was my mate was to do the thing I refused. Consequently, I could never discover the answer. I could be condemning the rest of my existence to being single. If that was the price I had to pay for Bella to remain human, I would pay it. It was the life I had lived thus far. It would devastate Esme, though. For her sake I held a small bit of hope that maybe in another hundred years I would meet my mate. I also hadn't known the loss of a mate could be like that for us. Great. I wondered briefly if everyone else in my family knew about this but me. He had been right. He should have told me about this decades ago.

Carlisle gathered his thoughts again. _There is a similar pull in attraction. My hypothesis is because it too derives from our former human nature. Of course, some of our kind engage in carnal acts with humans, but then simply make them their meal afterwards. It took our cousins centuries to learn the self-control necessary to be attracted to a human and not kill him._ His thoughts paused briefly. I detected his attempt to find the right words for his question. _Have you considered having this type of encounter with Bella?_

I stared at him scandalized. What kind of creature did he consider me to be? "I would never," I growled spewing out the last word emphatically. Then the image of using Bella in this way entered my mind without my permission. The war between the different parts of my self erupted again. The monster and the physical urges demanded that I fulfil that possibility. This is what are you made to do, they together attempted to convince me. Fortunately the gentleman in me was stronger and beat them both back. I had no idea what my expression had been during this internal tug-of-war.

"Forgive me, Edward." _I meant no offense. Since you've been behaving uncharacteristically I needed to ask._

Of course I forgave him. Of course he meant no offense. The paternal concerned look that he gave me was enough. He could see my struggle. And he knew that I _would not_ be like our cousins. The magnetic attraction that our kind can feel filled my thoughts and dawning spread across my face. There must be something about Bella that was similar to the mate I would one day find. This was what had caused the attraction and, thereby, pull. I had been right. My desire to be with Bella was much worse and more dangerous than the monster's desire to taste her delectable flavour. Even Carlisle saw that and was worried. I tried to formulate what this meant for me and potentially for Bella. It was obvious now that my attraction was pulling my body towards Bella, but she was human and would not be pulled like me. Logic dictated, as long as I didn't use persuasion or my lure on her, that she would say no. I simply needed to find a way to cage this attraction and then leave.

Carlisle said that the pull between blood and attraction were not the same, but since Bella isn't my mate I don't have to worry about that pull increasing over time. I was now confident that I could carry through my plan to leave her.

Carlisle looked at me quizzically.

I looked at him steadily with conviction in my voice. "No, Dad. Both my mothers raised me to be a gentleman. I would _never_ dishonour a lady like that." I paused looking at my knees. "But it is a struggle to resist. My body desires things it never has before."

He nodded as if he figured as much.

"Is mating possible …" for Bella and I, but that somehow seemed entirely too presumptuous and although we'd hinted at it, I wasn't sure I was ready to say it out loud, "for our kind with a human." I needed to make sure that I hadn't understood in any way and that this option was closed.

A genuine smile brought the creases of his mouth towards his ears. Once again his mind was filled with his experience of being with Esme when she was sixteen and then after he had turned her. "I wouldn't think so, son. But, then again, I'm not drawing from a large sample pool."

I felt tremendous relief. "Huh," I muttered.

I looked at my options. I concluded that there was no way at the moment for me to walk away without Bella's no. The other option, to allow my body to engage in carnal sin, was unacceptable. Getting a no posed a slight risk, but I had no better ideas. I still was not accustomed to interacting with her. I would need to be careful and not allow my nature and what my father just said to pull her in against her will. Or allow my body to act in inappropriate ways. That would be disastrous. No, she must be free to choose, so that she can express the obvious conclusion, to choose no. I recalled Esme's words of the wonderful opportunity given by new experiences. They seemed ironic now back dropped by her romantic wishes for me.

My face must have lightened some because Carlisle asked, "What is it, Edward?"

"Oh. I was just remembering a conversation I had with Mom shortly after I returned from the Denali's when she said that I was being given an amazing gift," I mocked grumbled, "the gift of newness. Well, actually she said, 'You've been given a novel opportunity to learn something new and most importantly to grow.'" I mimicked her tone when I repeated what Esme had said.

He smiled with pride. _She is a wise woman, Esme._

"Yes," I nodded smiling back. "This doesn't really change or solve anything."

He laughed dryly, "Well if Rosalie and Emmett taught us anything, it is that if you leave things well alone they have a way of resolving themselves."

I shook my head side to side. For someone who had eternity I sure was being impatient. "Okay, Dad."

He looked serious suddenly, "Have you begun to court her?" as if the full implication of Bella and I having lunch together just hit him.

"I don't believe so …" He looked dubious.

 _Either you are or you're not, son._

"I shouldn't. Really, it was Esme who recommended that I give Bella the opportunity to turn me down."

He seemed mentally unable find fault in Esme's argument, despite the risk. I picked up the slightest hint that he was trying to keep from me his hope that I would want to turn Bella and she would be my mate. The wish seemed to come from a place of wanting to see me happy and the joy he knew it would give Esme. I couldn't fault him for that even as a snarl rumbled in my chest.

"That's how I ended up asking Bella to accompany her next Saturday on an activity she had previously decided to do alone, and then Bella's request to be friends at lunch. I had no intention prior to Esme's recommendation to court her. I still don't, although I am considering Bella's proposal of friendship."

He looked at me pleased that I had followed Esme's advice yet concerned, then slightly confused as if some of the pieces he put together didn't quite fit. _Why the doubt?_

"Since I can't read her thoughts, I am uncertain if she accepted my outing proposal under her own volition."

A smile threatened, but he contained it. _Ah. I see. Quite the conundrum._

"Yes." I hung my head again.

 _She's still alive, so that says something about your self-control._ He grinned.

"Seriously, Dad. It's not amusing."

 _No, son, it's not. Forgive me for my impropriety._ His face became serious again, but it seemed to be taking him some effort to do so. _The trickiest part would be to discover if she is simply reacting to your lure._

"Any suggestions?" I searched him, desperately hoping that he had an answer.

"Hum." He started rifling through his memories, catching and combining bits of information, assessing if any conclusions could be made. _Nothing presently._ His mind suddenly changed direction. He looked at me intently again, "Son, I have no interest in being involved in the intimate details of your personal life, but given the risk, I want you to update me every night until I say otherwise."

I balked. He had never asked this of me. Did he no longer trust me? I felt insulted. At the same time I could see his intention. I had been behaving uncharacteristically and he was concerned about the possibility, no matter how slight, that Bella and I might end up engaging in carnal activities, which would increase our risk. Nevertheless, a part of me wished that he would solve my dilemma by simply forbidding me to see her. The smallest negligible part of me doubted if that would work, however. He was also correct that me spending time with Bella would be the greatest risk our family would ever face, especially given the possibilities. There were so many things that could go wrong if it ended poorly between us as well as significant risks if it went well. It was not to be done lightly. I already knew this. He was attempting to balance the needs of the whole family with mine. I saw no reasonable argument in contradiction.

He pulled me out of my thoughts. "I need your word, son."

Grudgingly I replied, "Yes, Dad, you have my word. Every day that I have interactions with Bella I will update you that evening."

He paused. _Yes, all right, that's good enough. Thank you. We should get back. I miss my wife._

Usually I would have rolled my eyes at this kind of comment, but tonight I just chuckled.

When we got back, Jasper and Emmett were back at their chess game. Alice was working on her project. Rosalie was in the garage, and Esme was upstairs. Jasper, Emmett, and Alice all slightly turned when Carlisle and I walked in, each wondering how Carlisle had responded, well except Alice who turned smugly exerting effort to keep her mind focused on the screen in front of her. Carlisle went to Esme and embraced her. Rosalie's thoughts seemed calmer.

I pondered if an apology would be a good idea. I looked at Alice silently questioning if I should.

Alice paused momentarily from her work and closed her eyes focusing on the possible outcomes. One was worse than the other, but neither ended in bodily harm, so I gathered my courage and went out to the garage.

"What do you want ingrate?" greeted me as soon as I entered.

"I didn't come here to argue, Rosalie. I came here to apologise."

She slid herself out from under the car and looked at me bemused.

"I simply wanted to apologise for my behaviour earlier. My laughter was totally inappropriate even if the image of you hunting like a dog was hilarious." I tried to contain the smile wanting to escape my lips again.

"Well, yeah." She paused as if she was going to say something her mind pulling together pieces that were incoherent at the moment. "Scam, Edward. I was in the middle of something. I don't need you recreating another May 21st 1983."

"No problem, Rosalie, " I said over my shoulder as I walked out. That was a day that would live in Cullen family infamy and not one I was going to be the reason for recreating. I'm glad I'd taken some helpful clues from Alice's vision. That hadn't ended badly at all.

 _I hope Carlisle knocked some sense into him. Perhaps he has come to realize what incredibly risky behaviour he has been engaging in and is now going to rectify the situation. Knowing Edward … Having lunch today with the girl he wanted to kill six weeks ago, what was he thinking? He has never behaved so poorly before. I could always count on him for staying out of trouble since he is so uptight, the anal-retentive twat. Now what? I can't even count on him?_ And on she went. I tried to shrug it off with the knowledge that was just how Rosalie was. I needed a distraction from her thoughts and my own.

I went to the piano and started again with the lullaby from the beginning. I replayed the parts that Alice had suggested. I was hesitant. Hesitant to follow the music–where I was aching and yearning in unfamiliar ways–to its unavoidable end–a crescendo of despair. I paused, and pulled the lemonade bottle cap from my pocket. I sat it on the empty music stand. A memento of a possible friendship. Something that contained the smallest degree of hope that my actions wouldn't result in a tragedy. With that in mind, I worked on the piece some more. I thought about the piece that I had started and never been able to finish many years ago when I attempted to capture Carlisle's immeasurable amount of love, hope, and compassion. Maybe some of that piece could work here. Hmm … I played with it, tinkered with it, thought I might have it, but I knew it wasn't quite right. Right as I had moved past the bridge I saw the vision Alice was having, and my hands nearly crashed into the keys.

"Oh!" Alice squealed. "Jasper, guess what?"

"What, Alice?" he replied.

"Peter and Charlotte are coming to visit next week! They're going to be in the neighbourhood, isn't that nice?"

"Peter and Charlotte are coming to _Forks?_ " I hissed.

She rolled her eyes at me. "Calm down, Edward. It's not their first visit."

My teeth clenched together. It _was_ their first visit since Bella moved here. Had Emmett's and Jasper's reactions not demonstrated that her scent was sweet generally? A thousand images thundered into my head. They all ended with Bella dead–my risk of exposure worthless.

Alice frowned at my expression. "They never hunt here. You know that."

Rationally I knew that, but Jasper's brother of sorts and mate hunted the normal prey for our kind. I could not let my actions be in vain. I would protect Bella from this potential risk, no matter how slight. I could not allow my one virtuous action to be undone.

"When?" I demanded.

She pursed her lips unhappily. _Monday morning. No one is going to hurt Bella, Edward!_

"You're right about that. You ready Emmett?"

"I thought we were leaving in the morning."

"We're coming back by midnight Sunday night. It's up to you when you want to leave."

"Okay, fine. Let me say goodbye to Rose first."

"Sure."

 _You sure you have all your marbles there, bro?_

No, I wasn't sure anymore. It seemed like I wasn't sure of anything anymore except that I would keep Bella safe.

Carlisle and Esme came to the top of the stairs. Esme looked slightly disappointed that we were leaving earlier. Carlisle asked me, _You alright, son?_

I pinched the bridge of my nose. No, I wasn't all right, but I hadn't been _all right_ since Bella came to Forks. "Nothing worrisome, Dad." He looked at me searching if I was making an honest assessment of myself. After about twenty seconds he mentally decided to let it go and Emmett bounded in.

"See you guys Sunday night."

* * *

 _A/N: Carlisle's relationship with Esme both when Esme was human and when Carlisle changed her is inspired from Miki In Blue Jean's story Faith & Love._


	26. Chapter 26: Almost Pre-Bella Normalcy

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

"Hasn't anyone ever told you not to play with your food?" I called to Emmett.

"Oh, hey Edward!" he shouted back, grinning, and waving at me. The bear saw this distraction as an opportunity and raked its heavy paw across Emmett's chest. The sharp claws shredded through his shirt, and squealed across his skin.

The bear bellowed at the high-pitched noise.

 _Aw hell, Rose gave me this shirt!_

Emmett roared back at the enraged animal.

"Then perhaps you shouldn't have worn it hunting, Em."

 _Well,_ maybe _if you weren't losing it I would have had time to change._

I sighed and sat down on a convenient boulder resigning myself to the possibility that this might take a while. In a forced attempt to not think about Bella, I thought over Emmett's and my time thus far. He really was a good brother. He had been working hard at forcing me to have a good time, and his efforts had been rewarded. He had been pleased with his finds, which put him in an even better mood. The best parts about this park was one, the freedom to run as fast as pleased me, and two, that it contained mountain lions.

I had been running for the sheer enjoyment of it when I crossed the scent of a mature male lion. Immediately my mouth filled with venom and I knew the monster wanted this creature badly. I searched out for humans within my range. When I heard nothing but Emmett I grinned wickedly and allowed the monster out of its cage. The monster's desire for blood filled my body and every part of me focused on only one thing: the scent that would quench my aching throat.

The monster picked up the scent immediately. I watched as the monster moved my body into a crouch, lithely moving quickly along the trail left by the cat. It moved along the natural obstacles effortlessly gloating in its superior hunting capacity. It didn't take long before the scent was so strong that I my mind held nothing else but the knowledge of how delightful taking this blood-filled vessel would be. My eyes caught a glimpse of the cat's movement through the trees. The monster decided to move towards the prey downwind to increase surprise and to reduce resistance. Images of human scum that it had hunted all those years ago passed through my mind, but the scent was too powerful for anything to linger.

Once the monster had determined the best approach, my body sprang, grabbing the animal around the neck, feeling the softness of its fur, the magnificent strength of its muscles, the tautness of its body. The fierce predatory nature of my prey invigorated the monster and venom pooled in my mouth. As soon my hands had the animal, they moved breaking its spine. The monster revelled in the kill as it sunk my teeth through fur and skin and tendons and muscles, everything between its blood and me, with ease. As soon as the vein was punctured there was nothing else in the world but the blood. Its smell filled my nose with its sweet earthy aroma; its tangy scrumptious taste filled my mouth. I could feel the warmth of the blood as it filled my mouth and then moving down, filling my body, giving me strength.

This blood is your life force, the monster reminded me. You are at the top of the food chain. You are meant to take it.

The rate of blood decreased and the monster, never satisfied except by human blood, wanted more. As I pushed and shoved it back into its cage, it clawed at me demanding only one thing: _her_ blood. In the fissure between it holding the reins and me regaining control it sent through my body the sensation it was certain her blood would give me. It was utter contentment and satisfaction beyond what any human's blood had given me before. My body yearned for her blood. Then I reminded myself that the blood dwelt in the body of a girl, taking her blood would mean her death, and killing her _wasn't_ an option.

Maybe thinking about that wasn't such a good idea. I focused on Emmett letting his thoughts wash into me clearing out the previous images.

He let the bear try to take his head off with a swipe of the paw, laughing as the blow bounced off and sent the bear staggering back. The bear roared and Emmett roared again through his laughter. Then he launched himself at the animal, who stood a head taller than him on its hind legs, and their bodies fell to the ground tangled up together, taking a mature spruce tree down with them. If nothing else, watching Emmett hunt was entertaining. He certainly wasn't the most efficient of us, but he did manage to have the most fun. I was actually enjoying myself watching him. Then suddenly the bear's growls cut off with a gurgle.

A few minutes later, Emmett bounded over. His shirt was destroyed, torn and bloodied, sticky with sap and covered in fur. His dark curly hair wasn't in much better shape. He had a huge grin on his face.

"Having fun, Emmett?" I smirked.

"That was a strong one. I could almost feel it when he clawed me."

"You're such a child, Emmett," and shook my head.

He eyed my smooth, clean white button-down. "Weren't you able to track down that mountain lion, then?"

I rolled my eyes. "Of course I was. I just don't eat like a savage."

Then I tackled him. We each tried to get the upper hand. The game was over when one of us had their teeth to the other person's neck or, since Jasper joined us, wrist. Letting ourselves fully use our strength, we each swiped, wrestled, jostled, and pinned. This was the best part of being with Emmett–the encouragement to embrace and use my full strength. It felt good. Once I focused on Emmett it only took a few minutes to win. It usually did. Emmett thought it was because of my telepathy that I cheated. I also didn't like losing.

We separated and I found a boulder, sprinting to climb up on it.

"You know bro, you'd have more fun hunting if _you_ got into the spirit of things." Emmett laughed his booming laugh. "I wish they were stronger. It would be more fun."

"No one said you had to fight your food."

"Yeah, but it's more enjoyable this way. You should try it." He grinned at me, shifting his weight to take a charge. "C'mon Edward. Just turn it off for one minute."

"It doesn't turn off," I reminded him.

"Wonder what that human girl does to keep you out of her head. Wish she could give me some pointers."

I scowled all good humour evaporated.

"Stay away from her," I growled through my teeth.

"Touchy, touchy. Cool down, man, I'm not going to touch the girl."

Rationally I knew that. I forced my body to relax. Emmett came and joined me.

"Sorry. I know you're going through a tough spot. I'm trying not to be _too_ much of an insensitive jerk, but since that's sort of my natural state …"

He waited for me to laugh at his joke, and then made a face.

 _So serious. What's bugging you now?_

"Thinking about her. Well, worrying, actually."

"What's there to worry about? _You_ are _here_."

"Yes, thank you. I hadn't sussed that out," I answered sarcastically. "Seriously," I added, "you ever thought about how fragile they all are? How many bad things there are that can happen to them?"

"Not really. I guess I see what you mean, though. I wasn't much a match for that bear the first time around, was I?"

"Bears," I muttered, adding a new fear to my list. "That would just be her luck, wouldn't it? Stray bear in town. Of course it would head straight for Bella."

Emmett chuckled. "You sound like a crazy person."

"Emmett, just imagine for one minute that Rosalie was human. And she could run into a bear … or get hit by a car … or _lightening_ ," quickly adding another thing to my list, "or fall down stairs … or get sick–get a _disease_! That's what got me in the end." The words burst from me stormily. It was a relief to let them out–they had been festering inside me all weekend. "Fires and earthquakes and tornados. Ugh! And the things on the news. The things they do to each other. Burglaries and homicides …" My teeth clenched together. I was abruptly so infuriated by the idea of another _human_ hurting her. I had killed men like that, the ones that preyed on other humans. Some of their thoughts with Bella's imagine instead was burning me.

"Whoa, whoa! Hold up, there, bro. She lives in _Forks_. So, she'll get rained on." He shrugged.

"I think she has some serious bad luck, Em. I really do. Look at the evidence. Of all the places in the world she could go, she ended up in a town where we make up a significant portion of the population."

"Yeah, but we're vegetarians. So isn't that good luck?"

"With the way she smells? Definitely bad. And then more bad luck, the way she smells to _me._ " I glowered at my hands, hating them again.

"Except that you have more self-control than just about anyone spare Carlisle. Good luck again."

"The van?"

"That was just an accident."

"You should have seen it coming for her, Em, over and over again like she had some kind of magnetic pull."

"But you were there. That was good luck."

"Was it? Isn't this the worst luck a human could have–to have one of us _want_ one of them?"

There. The truth laid bare. I held my breath.

Emmett took it in, and considered it quietly for a moment. He imagined the girl in his head and found the image uninteresting. _Honestly, I can't really see the draw._

"Well, I can't really see Rosalie's allure, either. _Honestly_ , she seems like more work than any pretty face is worth."

Emmett chuckled. "I don't suppose you'd tell me about earlier."

"Don't know what you're talking about," I replied attempting to hide a grin.

I saw his intent; I brace myself. He tried to shove me off the boulder and there was a loud cracking sound as a fissure opened up between us.

"Cheater," he muttered attempting to suppress a grin.

I waited, bracing myself for him to try again, but his thoughts went in a different direction. He was picturing Bella's face again, but imagining it whiter, imagining her eyes bright red …

"No," I said, my voice strangled.

"Solves both your problems. No worries about mortality or you killing her. Isn't that the best way? Alice sure thinks so."

"For me? Or for her?"

"For you," he answered easily. His tone adding the _of course_.

I laughed humourlessly. "Wrong answer."

"I didn't mind so much."

"True," my tone deepening, "but Rosalie did."

He sighed. We both knew that Rosalie would give anything if it meant she could be human again, maybe even Emmett.

"Yeah, Rose did," he acquiesced quietly.

"I just can't do it." The weight of what that meant hung heavy between us. "I mean, could you, if it were Rosalie?"

Emmett sat absorbing the impact of what I had just said. _You really …_ want ... _her?_

"I can't even describe it, Em. All of a sudden, this girl is the centre of my world. I'm no good for her, but I don't have the strength to leave."

 _Yeah … but you won't change her? Like ever? She won't last forever._

"I know that," I groaned.

 _And, as you've pointed out, she's sort of breakable."_

"Trust me–that I know, too."

Delicate issues were not Emmett's forte so it meant a lot to me that he struggled with the right way of saying what was on his mind, wanting very much not to be offensive.

 _Can you even touch her? I mean, if you_ want _her … wouldn't you want to_ touch _her …?_

Emmett and Rosalie's relationship is intensely physical. He was attempting to grasp how I could be attracted to someone, anyone, and reject that aspect.

I tried not to remember how much my body wanted her. I sighed.

"I can't even think of that, Em." Because if I do I might not be able to contain myself.

 _Huh. Wow. So what are your options, then?_

"I don't know," I whispered. "I'm trying to find the will to leave. I just can't fathom how to make myself stay away … "

"Sorry, bro. That sucks. What are you going to do then?"

"I don't know, Em. I just don't know."

He thought about some smart-arse comments regarding me not being such a know-it-all, but decided against it, and put his hand on my knee. "Want to race?" he asked with a big grin knowing I would win.

Despite Emmett's attempts to stay out hunting for longer, "Alice said it'll be sunny till Wednesday" or "Alice will call if there's a problem" comments, and general humour I just couldn't not be in Forks when Peter and Charlotte were going to be in town. Emmett decided that I was officially crazy, but came back with me late Sunday night anyway.

As we travelled home I reflected on the fact that I was glad I went. I had talked to Esme and Carlisle. Alice knew already, as I was sure Jasper did. I had told Emmett. Jasper was, so far, satisfied that Bella posed no risk to the family, and I had apologised to Rosalie. The family wasn't exactly back to pre-Bella, but the tension had dissipated. I became aware that if I was ever to find the strength to leave I would need them. Perhaps, our familial bonds and my love for them could overcome my weakness.

Naturally, as soon as we arrived Emmett went to find Rosalie to get reacquainted with her. They never made it out of the garage. My thoughts lingered briefly, before I pushed them aside, of what it would be like to come home to someone. I went into the house through the back door where I found Esme.

"Have a good time, Edward?" Her face was warm and motherly.

"Yeah, Mom. Emmett had a great time fighting with bears." This time a huge grin spread across my face. "He's a mess of course." She looked me up and down. I shrugged.

"We were wrestling." She nodded with the "that's what I figured" mom look. I smiled.

 _Glad to see you in better form._

"Thanks."

I was glad to be in better form.

I contemplated what I wanted to do now that I was home. I decided to keep working on the lullaby since I hadn't quite finished it. I sat down at the bench pleased to see that my lemonade bottle cap was still on the music stand. I kept working on the piece, but I wasn't getting it. Something was off. I was restless. Usually music drew me out of myself. Usually it was calming. The notes became tempestuous.

 _Edward_ , Jasper's calling broke through my devotion to the piano. I stopped playing. _Go to her. You'll feel better._ There was a "you're such an idiot" mixed with "for the love of all that's holy" tone. My lips curled upward. I hesitated uncertain. Wouldn't it be better to stay away?

 _It'll be fine,_ added Alice. _For all our sakes, just go._ Her tone was a mix between commanding and pleading. My face struggled between a frown and a grin. Nosy siblings.

"I'm going out. Be back by sunrise," I called.

I could hear both my parents internally wondering where I was going and asking themselves if I was going to visit Bella. Both of their mental images pictured me in the trees outside her house. Good thing I had planned to never tell them were I was actually going.

I grabbed an oilcan from the shed on my way remembering the noise last time from Bella's window. Somehow since it was Jasper's suggestion and Alice had approved I felt less guilty sneaking into a young girl's room without her permission. I checked both telepathically and listened to the neighbours to ensure that I would not be seen. I jumped up, catching the eave again. I used the oil this time, and the window now moved up silently. As I was sliding up the window, I took deep breaths preparing myself for the onslaught of her scent. I took my time. I could feel the fog coming, but it didn't overwhelm me. It enveloped me, but did not take me over. Breath after breath I acclimatised myself until the fog faded. My throat burned, but the monster was contained. It probably helped that the monster was well fed. I checked myself, and when I was certain that Bella would be safe I stepped into her room.

I could tell by the way that her hair lay smoothly that her sleep had been more restful than Thursday night. It seemed like it had been longer since when I last saw her. She had her hands folded under her cheek like an angel, and her mouth slightly open. I could hear her breath slowly go in and out between her lips.

Jasper was right. I did feel better here, calmer, more centred. The restlessness was gone. Why was that? Nothing in Carlisle's and my conversation was helpful. Great. More stuff to add to the things I don't know list. Did I want to know how Jasper had known I'd feel better here? Nope. I had already decided against that for good reason. Had I been restless the whole time we had been apart? I honestly didn't know. This list was getting ridiculous. I wasn't accustomed to paying attention to my feelings like that. I bet Jasper knew the answer _,_ I thought wirily. Well, I wasn't about to ask him and admit that he knew more about my emotional state than I did. Nope.

Was it even possible that I had a physical reaction to putting distance between Bella and I? Again, nothing that Carlisle had said was helpful. I wondered if, perhaps, Carlisle wasn't totally correct about the strength of attraction and that it too could increase over time. I briefly considered mentioning it to Carlisle, but then dismissed that thought. Me having to report into him regularly was enough. I wasn't about to add _more_ reasons to talk to him about my inner life.

If there was any truth to the possibility that the strength of attraction could increase over time, then how was I ever going to build up the strength to leave? For the first time I pondered the possibility that Bella's imminent no might not be enough. It might take that _and_ a great deal of will on my part. That seemed fair, since it was my emotional state putting her in such danger. Which was why, despite how much calmer I felt here with her, things were not all right when I was with her either. If my emotional states were not enough evidence, certainly the physical discomfort I had when I was with her was, or the very fact of how I needed to ensure her safety from me at all times. My scorching throat merely confirmed my resolve to remove myself from her life when she said no and encouraged me to double my efforts to cage this attraction. Despite my resolve, I was aware of what an impossible situation I was in. I felt calmest when I was with the very creature I needed to leave.

As I looked around her room, I had so many questions. For reasons I couldn't explain I had a compulsion to know everything about her. I wanted to know her past, the books that she read, why she liked them, all of it. That desire to know her was even stronger than it had been Thursday night, but so was my self-condemnation for this desire. In my attempt to find a way forward I considered what Carlisle and Esme would say about my conundrum. Esme would encourage me to learn more about Bella and to follow my heart. Carlisle. I reviewed the entirety of his and my conversation. He had implied that me spending time monitoring Bella was likely the cause of the attraction. Consequently, would getting to know her increase or decrease the attraction? Because I couldn't read Bella's mind, I really only knew her from third-party information and observation. It seemed logical that if I got to know her better I would find her as uninteresting as I had all other high school girls throughout my existence.

Learning more about her seemed like a good way to reduce the pull of the attraction and thereby prove to Carlisle and Esme that their trust in me wasn't unfounded. It also matched within their recommendation that I be patient and allow things to progress. Their recommendation really was the opposite of what I wanted to do. I wanted to have the solution and act on it, but I saw no better option at the moment. On top of that, this plan allowed me to move towards achieving my goal of walking away while simultaneously showing them that I was taking their advice.

My decision made, I gave Bella my full attention. As I watched her, my eyes were drawn to her lips. They looked very soft and warm. I imagined touching them ever so lightly with the tip of my finger. Just lightly …

This yearning was exactly why these feelings were much more dangerous than the bloodlust. I had taken a step forward without even realising it. I stopped myself, and went to sit back in the rocking chair. This was the exact type of thing I needed to keep a better eye on.

I looked at her again, made sure not to give her my full attention, and kept more of awareness on my actions this time. I examined her for any changes. Humans change all the time. I was sad at the thought of perhaps missing a change on her. I had been away too long. The time with Emmett was great, but I didn't want to miss anything. She had been created to be ephemeral after all.

I decided that she looked tired. Like she hadn't gotten enough sleep this weekend. Were her activities at First Beach too much? Had she over exerted herself?

I laughed silently and wryly at how that upset me. It wasn't like she was mine. No, she wasn't mine and should never be mine–and sadness welled up in me. Sadness? Why was I sad that she wasn't mine? Was it the jealousy? Was it the attraction? Could attraction for my kind create such a reaction? The only way to get that answer was to ask my cousins and I _was not_ going to have _that_ awkward conversation. Emmett was right. I had lost my marbles if I was considering talking to Tanya about what was happening with me. Since every other possibility had been ruled out, it seemed that the most likely answer was yes. That was going to make my life more complicated if my attraction was fuelling a desire to make her mine. As if I didn't have enough problems.

One of her hands twitched, and I noticed that there were shallow barely healed scrapes across the heel of her palm. She had been hurt? My body wanted to move to her and kiss her palms. I held myself in place. I knew it wasn't a serious injury. I considered the location, and decided that she must have tripped. That seemed like a reasonable explanation.

Then I realized that since we were _friends_ or trying to be friends at least, that this didn't have to stay a mystery. I could ask her how her weekend was, why she was so tired. I could laugh when she confirmed my theory about her hands. Yes, being friends helped. Already I felt calmer. Friends didn't risk the consequences of attraction; it kept her on the same safe side as a no would. Friends, I decided emphatically. I smile escaped from my lips. I hadn't ever been friends with a human girl before. My smile grew wider at the realization that I was fulfilling Esme's encouragement of having new experiences. Then Nick's mangled body came to mind. I couldn't have Bella pay the heavy price for my friendship as he had. The only option then was to be friends _and_ keep a close eye on her to make sure nothing objectionable happened to her. I wondered if Alice would protest to be recruited to aid me. She wanted to be Bella's friend …

I tried to imagine Bella at First Beach with her human friends. The image was incomplete though since it was based off of pictures. It was a place I was forbidden to go. A place where old men still remembered the stories about the Cullens, and believed them. A place where our secret was known …

I re-examined my conclusion that a Quileute might tell Bella. Even if Bella had run into those aging sages, they could say nothing. They were bound to the treaty as much as we were. And why would Bella bring up the subject there when she was so discrete at school. No. If there was one thing I didn't have to worry about it was that.

The sunrise was coming. I was angry at it. It was keeping us apart. It wouldn't have to if I weren't such a monstrosity, I reminded myself. With a sigh I climbed out of the window, slid the window closed, grabbed my oilcan, and jumped down. I couldn't risk being found here. I meant to stay in the thick part of the forest behind her house, watch her get ready, and see her off to school. But when I got into the trees, I was surprised to find the trace of her scent lingering on the trail there.

I followed it quickly curious as to where she had gone. As I travelled deeper into the forest my concern increased. What had Bella been doing out _here?_ The trail stopped abruptly, in the middle of nowhere in particular. She'd gone just a few steps off the trail, into the ferns, where she'd touched the trunk of a fallen tree. Perhaps sat there …

I sat where she had, and looked around. All there was to see was ferns and forest. It had probably been raining–the scent was washed out, never set deeply into the tree. It made no sense. Unlike the other things I was curious about there was no way to bring this up in casual conversation.

So, Bella, I was following your scent through the woods after I left your room where I had been watching you sleep …

Nope. Definitely not a conversation starter. I grinded my teeth together in frustration. This was far worse than the image I had concocted when I was with Emmett. I groaned. Not only did she have bad luck, she courted it. Would that include me? Would she want to court me? She wanted to be my friend and I wanted to have the strength to stay away from her. I was unsure how to do the last part, but I could do my best to keep her safe, to ensure that the risk I took to save her life and the battle I have raged to not kill her was not in vain. It seemed that she and I wanted different things, but her friendship request could easily be due to my lure, so I dismissed the possibility that brought up and focused on more logical conclusions.

I went home arriving before the sun rose as promised. Everyone was upstairs in his or her perspective bedrooms. I returned the can and scampered up the side of the house into my bedroom adding tonight's clothes to my Bella scented stash. I took a shower realizing I had never cleaned up after coming back from hunting with Emmett.

Both Esme and Carlisle were relieved to have me home. They must have been worrying. I heard Carlisle consider coming to ask me where I had been, but decided that he could trust me to tell him if it concerned Bella. Great. If he had just asked I could have maybe avoided the question. Him trusting me to tell him forced me to be transparent in a way that I had purposefully worded my promise to avoid. Fantastic. Well, I couldn't do anything about it right now. I would have to figure it out the next time we talked.

 _In a few hours_ Alice answered me as soon as I had decided to ask the question. I saw two possible options: stay very close to Peter and Charlotte until they left or keep an eye on Bella from the shadows.

 _Go be with Bella_. Aloof and odd seemed to be a better impression to our impending visitors than tense and on edge.

I agreed with Alice's assessment. Running to school seemed wiser than driving. Although staying in the shadows while I ran would be difficult, there just wasn't any prudent place to hide a car.

* * *

 _A/N: The idea of wrestling till teeth are at a wrist was added by Jasper to the Cullen game according to Jessica314 in Tale of Years: 1950._


	27. Chapter 27: Decision Made

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

I found myself a spot deep enough in the trees that I was certain couldn't be seen by human eyes, but shallow enough that I could still see the school grounds and hear the student's thoughts. I stood leaning against a tree. Bella's truck was already here. I scanned the grounds finding her sitting on top of the table with her coat underneath erasing something out of her spiral notebook. Her hair caught the sun in unexpected ways, giving off a reddish tint that I had not anticipated. I found myself mesmerized as if I had never seen something so fascinating before.

"Bella," Mike yelled while bounding towards her snapping me out of my trance.

A part of me wondered how attraction could possibly create _that_ response. Another part of my mind decided that figuring out what was happening to me wasn't as important as learning more about Bella. Perhaps through this exchange with Mike I could discover something helpful. I reached out allowing Mike's mental voice to come to the forefront.

His thoughts were filled with how to ask Bella out on a date.

I had to admire his persistence. He was braver than I expected him to be.

He was ecstatic at her enthusiastic response.

I, a creature of darkness of shadows, was trapped here unable to go over to her unlike Mike. I was unable to ask her how her weekend went simply because of _what_ I am. I stared at my hands wishing them to be softer, warmer, to be human. Despite all my strength and speed, I was powerless to do what I ached to do. I could never do what I longed to do: go back to being human. I was trapped, caged like an animal. This torture was what I deserved. I was a monster after all. I hadn't stop wishing to be human again since I had woken up in this form. Perhaps, rather than drowning in fruitless wishes, I could find a way to pay my penance through this torture like how Carlisle tries to make the world a little better by his existence in being a doctor. If I behaved regally, suffered without complaint, and then left her maybe it would be enough to find some peace.

 _See, she likes me._ Mike's mind concluded. _She wouldn't smile like that if she didn't. I bet she wanted to go to the dance with me. Wonder what's so important in Seattle …_ He was somewhat perceptive. "I never noticed before–your hair has red in it."

He caught a strand that was fluttering in the light breeze between his fingers and tucked it behind her ear, while I accidently uprooted a young spruce in my attempt to stop myself from rushing over and crushing his fingers for touching her. I knew that this behaviour was associated with the attraction. These responses, although pre-Bella were uncharacteristic, were becoming typical. And I still didn't know how to tame them.

To my deep satisfaction, she cringed slightly at the movement.

I forced my body to stay rooted in my spot despite the urging I felt in my cells to go to her, to protect her.

"Only in the sun," she responded with a polite yet cautious tone.

It took Mike time to build up his courage, wasting time with light empty conversation. She reminded him of the essay we all had due on Wednesday. From her smug expression I would wager that hers was already done. He had forgotten about it.

 _Dang–stupid essay._

Finally he got to his intention–my teeth were clenched so hard they could have pulverized granite–yet he still couldn't make himself ask the question outright.

"Oh," she responded.

 _Oh? What does that mean? Is she going to say yes? Wait–I guess I forgot to ask._

He swallowed hard.

"Well, we could go out to dinner or something … and I could work on it later." He smiled hopefully.

 _Stupid–that wasn't a question either._

"Mike …"

All the conflicting emotions I felt last week in Biology when he'd asked her out penetrated my body only now more intensified. I ensured that my muscles were locked down to prevent me from doing something foolish. She had said yes to me, well maybe yes, as I still wasn't sure if I had accidently persuaded her into a yes. Maybe he was right. He was human after all. He probably understood her choices better than I did. I found her a complete conundrum after all. Perhaps she just didn't want to go to the dance. She hadn't really said no to him or yes to me. The despair and fury ripping through me propelled my body against my will towards Bella.

My cell phone vibrated in my pocket. Stupid psychic sister. Even my failures were on show. Fortunately her intervention shook me enough that I was able to come to my senses before I crossed the tree line. The phone went silent. I might have to thank her one day. I dug my nails into the two closest trees hoping they would hold me. My inability to control my own bodily reactions was disconcerting to say the least and had caught me by surprise. Worse still, other than a nosy sister watching out for me, I wasn't sure how to keep myself from doing something like that again. I wasn't even sure how it had happened. Absolutely fantastic. Yet another thing to add to my I don't know list. I mulled it over, playing what happened over and over again trying to figure it out.

"I don't think that would be the best idea," Bella answered hesitantly but with a firm tone.

Hearing her voice broke me out of my musings. I breathed again. I hadn't even been aware that I had been holding it. Whatever force that had compelled my body to move against my will dissipated. Carlisle was right; this attraction thing was absolutely dangerous. This was even worse than in Biology. I wondered if that had to do with me not being in a classroom where I had to maintain appearances. Perhaps, I cringed; my theory from last night about attraction being able to increase was being seemingly confirmed. This might mean that my reactions would only worsen.

 _Seattle was just an excuse, after all. Shouldn't have asked. What was I thinking? Bet it's that freak, Cullen …_

He thought of me as a rival. Somehow that cheered me up immensely. For the tiniest of slivers I felt more human. Maybe I had given Mike too much credit. Maybe he wasn't brave as much as arrogant. Was I arrogant? My siblings often thought I was a know-it-all. That doesn't automatically mean arrogant, though. Certainly I was accustomed to getting my way. I was confident. Confident was good, but I didn't want to verge towards arrogant. Another thing for me to keep an eye on. I was getting quite the list I grumbled.

"Why?" he asked sullenly.

Good question I acknowledged. My intention of watching Bella, other than to protect her, was to attempt to ascertain her behaviours around humans so that I could then compare that to when she was with me. It had seemed like a good way to help me with my persuasion problem. So, Mike's question here was the exact question I required to be asked to get the answer I needed. Maybe he wasn't a complete waste of space. Maybe I could spare him an excruciating death today.

"I think … " she hesitated seemingly collecting her thoughts. "And if you ever repeat what I'm saying right now I will cheerfully beat you to death–"

I laughed out loud at her utterance of death threats. It was possibly the funniest thing I had ever heard, completely and absolutely absurd. A jaybird shrieked, startled, and launched itself away from me. I checked the minds around me to make sure I only frightened the jaybird.

"But I think that would hurt Jessica's feelings."

I was paying rapped attention to her body, the sound of her heart, her breathing. Although they weren't completely clear given the distance, I hoped to determine her feelings. Was she just being nice to her friend? Did she harbour some deep interest in Mike that she dared not admit due to the friendship? I reached out attempting to pull thoughts from her mind only to be thwarted once again.

His thoughts were incoherent. "Jessica?" _What? But… Oh. Okay. I guess. So … Huh_

"Really, Mike, are you _blind?"_

I echoed her sentiment. She shouldn't expect other people to be as perceptive as she was, but in this instance it was beyond obvious. I, who was in the process of learning to read human's facial expression and body language, could see this. I did have some help from my telepathy, true, but it still was incredibly obvious. Maybe he was so self-absorbed that he couldn't see outside of himself. I'd have to remember to not do that. It wasn't attractive. The solution was to learn her, pay attention to her. I could do that.

 _Jessica. Huh. Wow. Huh._ "Oh" was all he managed.

Bella used his confusion to shift her focus away from him. "It's time for class, and I can't be late again." She gathered her things and walked to class.

Mike's thoughts surrounded Jessica. His previous images of Bella were replaced with Jessica. _She's cute, though, I guess. Not as good as Bella, but decent body. A bird in the hand …_ at that point I let his thoughts just become one in many. It irritated me how he could mentally replace Bella so easily, but irritation replaced infuriation.

With her heading inside I believed that it would be safe enough to release my body from its forced frozen state. I sank down onto the forest floor, leaned again an enormous madrone tree, listened out for thoughts regarding Bella, and continued to hear the unique rhythm of Bella's heart. Jessica was thinking about asking Bella to go with her, Angela, and Lauren to Port Angeles for dress shopping. Whenever the option arose I would listen to Angela's thoughts. I was glad for Bella that she had one friend worth having.

As Jessica, Angela, and Bella entered the cafeteria, Angela wondered if Bella was okay observing the despondency she suddenly had when she noticed no one was at the Cullen table. Angela thought to ask Bella if she was okay, but not wanting to draw unnecessary attention to Bella, decided to say nothing and instead distracted her with the paper that was due and ask if she would go to Port Angeles. In Angela's thoughts I heard a confirmation that Bella was going with them and it would be after school today.

Was Bella's despondency that Angela had observed somehow connected to me? Did that mean she missed me? Was she sad that I wasn't at school? An ecstatic, bubbly, dance and sing feeling dared to penetrate me. I acknowledged it but refused to allow it to overcome me. I evaluated this new possibility from the position of our possible new friendship. Friends could miss each other. This bubbly feeling might indicate that I was pleased with her desire to be friends. Yes, I decided. I was pleased that she wanted to be friends no matter how unwise that might be for her. Other than me, the only real concern was from Jasper. As long as he kept his distance and she didn't bleed within his range, she would be safe from my family. Although, that did nothing about her being safe from me or nomads like Peter and Charlotte.

I learned something from Angela's thoughts about how to be a good friend to Bella: don't draw unnecessary attention to her. I wished again that there were someway to repay Angela. I suddenly realised my mistake from Thursday. Although I was trying to be chivalrous, I had done it in a manner that brought Bella unwanted attention. I would have to learn from Angela's example.

Most of the students were focused on the class they were in or daydreaming. The teachers were the most helpful in the afternoon, especially Mr. Banner. He noted that Bella looked sluggish and wondered if she was coming down with something. Her gym teacher was focused on the lesson on battmitten although twice he asked himself if this would be a better sport for Bella. I watched from my position as Bella got into her truck and drove home. Nothing that I could tell indicated illness. I arrived at her home before her.

I found the spot right where the trail began and her scent still lingered. I took in a deep breath. I made sure that I was enough in the forest to be invisible to her eyes and found a perching place in the trees confident I wouldn't need to contain myself as I had at school. I reviewed the day. I hadn't really learned anything new about Bella except that others had judged that she looked unusually sullen today. I had learned new things about Mike, but that wasn't very helpful.

I listened to her end of a conversation she had shortly after she got home. The girls shopping trip had been rescheduled for tomorrow. I listened and watched as she made dinner, worked on her homework, checked her email huffing and buffing the more she read. Then to my delight she came outside with a quilt and a book. I watched as she folded the quilt in half and placed it so that the sun would shine on her. She lay down on her stomach crossing her ankles in the air.

In another settling she might have reminded me of another lifetime. The memory arose of a neighbourhood girl in Chicago that I watched amerce herself in literature while the sun shone. My mother had caught me watching the neighbour and had reprimanded me, reminding me that it was unseemly to be gawking at a girl who by every right was in her own backyard protected from unwanted eyes by the fence. I apologised to my mother, but was unable to help sideways glances when I was certain my mother wasn't watching.

Where did that memory come from? I had no recollection of that memory prior. How entirely odd. The differences between that scene and the one before me were stark. Bella was not appropriately dressed for an upper-middle class turn-of-the-century girl. She didn't have a fence to protect her from unsolicited gazes. I didn't have my mother in my ear stopping me from admiring the breathtaking angel in front of me. Most poignantly with that girl I was merely curious where the one before me had my undivided attention.

Was it possible that the recalled memory was my first hint at attraction? I really had no way to know. All the same, perhaps, the few similarities explained the tenuous link between the two. Perhaps my mind, in some way, was trying to show me something. That seemed like a strange idea and I dropped it, giving my full attention to the angel before me.

She flipped though the book as if she hadn't decided if she was actually going to read it. She then started reading. After a short bit, she breathed angrily. I wondered what in the book could have caused such a reaction. She then started reading in another section of the book only to shortly after snap the book shut and roll over to her back. I couldn't imagine what in a book could cause such a response.

A slight breeze started blowing strands of hair into her face. She pulled her hair over her head, letting it fan out on the quilt above her, and closed her eyes. Slowly her breathing slowed. After a while she began mumbling in her sleep.

The temptation to satisfy my curiosity about her behaviour grew. This was another thing that I knew, even as friend, I could not get an answer for. It was just too creepy for human standards.

Oh Bella, while I was perched in a tree watching you, I noticed … Nope.

I listened to the houses nearby and to the road to determine if anyone was driving this direction. There was no one close by and no one looking this direction. I jumped down landing softly on my toes as the ground gentle came up to meet me.

This was very wrong, very risky. How I had teased my brothers in the past for their risky behaviours and here I was flaunting the rules with a wild abandon just to satisfy my curiosity. I weighed the risk and the possibility that I would get caught. As long as I was fast enough and kept paying attention to those who could come within a direct line of sight I should be fine. Myself reassured I stepped out of the forest checking one more time before I sprinted over close to Bella. I sampled the air to ensure that I could come closer, carefully avoiding looking at my own skin and its reaction to the sunlight. If anything about my physical appearance determined that I deserved to be in the shadows it was that.

The sun seemed to slightly change her scent, make the perfume more floral. My throat screamed at the sweetness and the monster rattled in its cage. I took the one step necessary to pick up her book. I turned to the page where she had first stopped. It was the page where the main character, Edward Ferras, was introduced into the story. Then I went to the second place where she had stopped. This was also unremarkable. The only close similarity to this page as the last one was that the character's name was Edmund.

I replaced her book, and stole back into the shadows, into the darkness where I belonged.

Back in my perch I recalled the first night that I had snuck into her room and heard her call out my name. What a self-centred creature I am! Here all along she had dreamt about a fictional character. I had my answer. I had my no. The only slight support to my mother's advice and a true possible yes without my influence had been that Bella had said my name in her sleep. Now that I knew that it wasn't me she had called out to, my offer to accompany her to Seattle seemed foolish. It had been my lure after all. Given what I knew of her, she probably desired to be my friend out of a need to repay me for saving her from the van.

With her no secured I pushed aside the idea of being friends and focused on finding the strength to leave because Carlisle was right–things on my end were getting worse. Certainly I couldn't leave while Peter and Charlotte were in town, and it would require all of us to leave as to not attract others of our kind to the area. I would wait until Peter and Charlotte left and then make my intention known to the family. And in that moment some small part of me wished that Peter and Charlotte would never leave.

My family, especially Rosalie, would not be pleased to move. Well, and Alice, but she would be upset to be losing her not-yet best friend. I was certain, however, that if I revealed the true extent of my odd behaviours and the risk I posed to Bella and our family that they would agree to leave. We might not all vote in favour. Alice and Jasper, who would do nothing to cause Alice sadness, certainly would vote no. Given our risk of exposure and the last table conversation Rosalie might actually go either way. No matter what, though, there would be enough of votes.

Eventually the darkness began to envelope Bella as the sun began to set. It was a frightening thing to watch–like witnessing one of Alice's visions–all she needed to make the nightmare complete was the bright red eyes. I felt a sense of assuredness with the decision. I had my answer. I knew what I needed to do. I would be a gentleman and respect Bella's no and stop even the possibility of the darkness engulfing the angel.

I was relieved when her father arrived home. I heard the car long before I knew it was him. That was interesting. I focused on Sherriff Swan's thoughts and could hear little from him just bits and pieces. I had always thought Sherriff Swan was mentally slow. Now that I was giving him my full attention, the reality was that I couldn't hear him clearly. I wondered what her mother sounded like –the genetic combination that had formed Bella so uniquely.

She was startled awake, jerking up to a sitting position when his cruiser turned onto the driveway. She looked around dazed and confused. For one brief moment her eyes looked in my direction, but they flickered away. Could she have known that I was here? No, I reassured myself. No human could see that well.

"Charlie?" she asked in a low voice, still peering around the small yard.

The door of his car slammed shut. She jumped up, gathered her things, and looked at the forest one more time before she went inside. I moved along the perimeter so I could peer into the kitchen window. She was making dinner. I was fascinated by the difference in the glowing accolades Sherriff Swan made in his head verse his terse casual tone with her. Most of the time there was silence.

I heard Bella ask her Dad about going to Port Angeles and I was grateful to have the information confirmed with all the details included. Thankfully, I had missed little. I heard her worry aloud about leaving him home to manage dinner. I smiled at proof to my theory–she was a caretaker. They finished dinner. Bella went up to her room but was not ready for bed. I knew I should go home. She was safe enough. I would respect the instruction given to me by my first mother in my own way. I would not leer. I would not treat her crassly. Reluctantly I ran back home.

To my surprise I found the house empty and a note posted. _Football at the Rainer field–c'mon! Please?_ I debated. The teams were even, but Esme always preferred to be the referee than play. I had no idea when they had left, and I didn't really want to endure questions and sidewise looks. At the same time I was working on smoothing things over with my family. Peter and Charlotte would be there so there was no risk to Bella. After weighing it over, my sense of obligation to my family ruled out. I dashed out the house, following their scent to the field.

As expected, my family and our guests internally wondered where I had been. My family guessed it was near Bella, except Alice. But I had already known Alice had been keeping tabs on me. Alice also knew of the decision I had made at Bella's house because she internally yelled at me as soon as she would have been able to hear me coming.

 _We will talk later, mister. Of all the stupid, idiotic, …_ At that point I tried to dial her down.

Rosalie hurled insults about being rude and such, but they were mild for Rosalie.

Carlisle looked at me quizzically, his mind beginning to form a question, but let it go.

Emmett hurled towards me, but I swiftly moved out of his way before he could tackle me.

Jasper and Esme were both glad to see me for their own reasons. Esme was mentally pleased to see me joining in with the family. Jasper's thoughts seemed pleased that I came and his mental assessment seemed to indicate that I was in a more stable mood than this morning.

I looked at the teams. Presently Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, and Emse were on one team while Jasper, Peter, Charlotte, and Carlisle were on the other.

"Sorry guys. I didn't mean to mess up the teams. I can just watch."

After my family's mental greeting I knew I needed to stay.

"Nonsense," responded Esme obviously relieved, "I prefer to be referee anyway."

But Jasper's team didn't really like the idea of switching out Esme for me. "How about Alice join us, and Carlisle and you be on Emmett's team?" Everyone seemed fairly amicable to the new set up, and the game started up again.

Charlotte was in tune with Peter, and Peter could read Jasper's intentions well, while Alice knew what was going to happen. So their team seemed to move as one fluid unit in both offense and defence. Our team was just the opposite. There seemed to be no innate cohesion between us, but with Emmett's strength, my telepathic capacity and speed, Rosalie's tenacity and competitive nature, and Carlisle's desire to not let us down, it ended up a fairly evenly matched game.

In the play that ended the game, Jasper was quarterback. We had already destroyed four balls, but Emmett had brought plenty. The ball was hiked and Peter, Alice, and Charlotte all ran down field. I was covering Alice, Rosalie had Charlotte, Emmett had Peter, and Carlisle covered Jasper. First Jasper was going to run it in. I warned Carlisle for that. Then at the last second, without thought, Jasper put it up towards Peter. It was amazing to watch, as Peter seemed to respond intuitively from Jasper's body language to what was coming. I could see why they had been such a devastating duo on the battlefield.

Peter caught the ball with Emmett close behind. I was already sprinting towards them. Peter jumped fifty yards into the air and caught the ball.

Through Alice's vision I saw him sprinting by the time he touched the ground, but Emmett had caught hold of his leg. Peter didn't stop. I watched as the leg became separated from the body.

Then reality caught up to the start of her vision. I still hadn't gotten used to that part of Alice's gift–when the vision and reality came too close together. I was momentarily stunned until I mentally heard Peter calculate how to compensate in order to still make the touchdown and the sound of granite rubbing against itself. In a flash Emmett was on the ground holding a leg and Peter was still in motion for the end zone.

 _Come on, Peter,_ and then a mental picture of Jasper training Peter on how to fight without a leg came into his mind.

Everyone else was mentally shocked.

I had gotten into motion, but Alice's vision had slowed me. I was centimetres away from catching Peter when he passed over the line and Esme declared it a touchdown.

Emmett wasn't far behind running with the leg looking guilty and horrified. Carlisle was right with him. Everyone circled around Peter.

"Nice move," celebrated Jasper as he gave Peter a high-five.

I guessed that this had probably happened more than Peter would want to admit. Despite Peter's reaction, my family, bar Alice and Jasper, were mentally nervous because they didn't know how Peter would respond. Peter and Charlotte were our guests, after all.

Carlisle asked Emmett for the leg.

"You okay for me to reattach it, Peter?" Carlisle asked with deep concern while is mind medically examined the leg and the open wound.

"Sure, enough. Ready when you are."

I had no idea how he was so casual about it. We all have lost bits of ourselves in our wrestling over the years, but none of us were so cavalier about it. Mostly because it is painful when it happens, painful in the reassembly process, and extremely uncomfortable in the middle.

Carlisle began investigated the leg and joint even more closely determining the best way to create the bonding necessary for the venom to do the rest. When he was sufficiently certain he asked Jasper to hold Peter down so that he wouldn't move. Then starting with the bone, Carlisle used his fingers to ensure each muscle, tendon, and artery was joined properly. Peter never moved or flinched.

Once the leg was reattached and Carlisle stood up, Peter insisted he would be right as rain soon, but no one had the heart to play anymore.

Jasper and Peter both thought s _ofties_ and inwardly chuckled but said nothing.

Jasper's team was declared the winner.

Carlisle was adamant that someone assist Peter back to the house as to not impede healing. Emmett insisted on helping Peter while Charlotte was on Peter's non-injured side.

"I'll see you in the morning," I whispered to Esme before I sprinted off. I was glad I played, but I wanted to have some time with Bella tonight. It would be sunny again tomorrow.

Esme's mind was filled with blooming flowers.

I heard Carlisle ask _where are you going?_ as I ran away, but I wasn't about to give him those details publically, especially as I was avoiding having to tell him at all.

 _Exactly crazy,_ Emmett boomed. _At least he came. I was afraid he might not show up,_ Emmett added softly despondent as he went out of range.

I was glad I played, if only for Emmett's sake.

 _Stop being so anti-social Edward,_ Rosalie commanded as I had started to run off. _What is wrong with that boy?_ she asked began compiling possibilities.

Peter and Charlotte both thought, _Odd. Wonder why he ran off. He seemed pleasant enough during our last visit._


	28. Chapter 28: Last Chance Surveillance

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

Remembering the sweetness of Bella in the sun, I took down a doe and buried her on the way as a precaution. I went through the same routine of entering Bella's room as last time, jumping onto the eave and adjusting slowly to her scent before I entered.

Bella seemed to not have slept well so far tonight. Her hair was tangled and had a haystack appearance. She had droplets of sweat on her forehead, and she was tangled in her blankets. As I stood in the corner watching, her face contorted from worry to sadness. I wondered what she dreamt, and then I decided that I didn't need to know.

I was leaving after all. This thought created a vortex of memories and sensations that I pushed away. A cold sensation seeped into my body starting from the centre of my chest and spread outwards. I didn't understand how this could be possible as having the sensation of coldness was impossible for my kind. I pushed even that aside telling myself that what was happening didn't matter. What mattered was doing whatever was necessary so that I could leave. Immaterial of the cost to myself, I would ensure her safety.

Why was I here back in her room, then? After a while of contemplation I determined that it was because I was keeping her safe.

When she spoke she mostly muttered derogatory things about Forks in a glum voice. Only once, she sighed out the words "Come back" and her hand twitched open. I wondered who she was calling back. Her mom? Mike? Some fictional character again? Before the rising sun could be seen with human eyes and her father stirred, I exited her room.

I decided not to go home, instead listening to her morning routine from the forest. I began to feel pangs of sadness when I realised this would be the last time I would do this. I immediately pushed that aside reminding myself that she had said no and was better off without me in her life. Once she left for school, I ran there myself. I found the same spot I had sat in yesterday and settled myself in for the day attentive of anything that might trigger my physical attraction reactions. I watched as her face fell upon arriving to school when she looked at where my Volvo usually was parked. I wondered briefly what her expression meant and I felt the part of me that wanted to go over to comfort her. I reminded myself that I was here to protect her till Peter and Charlotte left. Her sentiments were no longer my concern. I had received my no. Nonetheless, I found myself automatically tuned into the sound of her heart as soon as it entered my hearing range.

Other than thoughts from Jessica, Angela, and Lauren about Port Angeles few people seemed to have thoughts related to Bella. Even Mike seemed to be focusing on other things. Angela noticed that Bella seemed even gloomier than yesterday, but again decided not to inquire about it. I was still curious about Bella's expression, but I would just have to live with the unanswered question as we would be leaving. Throughout the day, when there were no interesting thoughts to follow, I passed the time by counting her heartbeats, listening to her rhythm, and guessing at what might have changed its rhythm at times based on thoughts from those around her.

According to the information I had gathered, Angela, Jessica, and Bella were going to Port Angeles right after school in Jessica's car. When school ended I ran home to get the Volvo. Running to Port Angeles didn't seem wise.

When I got near the house Peter and Charlotte's minds were filled with memories of their years together, places they had seen, prey they had consumed, adventures. The memories reminded me, yet again, why I needed to gather the strength to leave Bella.

Jasper was remembering some of Peter's and his times together, especially when they travelled together as nomads.

Alice was trying to decide which project she wanted to work on after Peter and Charlotte were gone.

Emmett was trying to imagine their life via their stories. Since I lived as a nomad for those years away from Esme and Carlisle, I wished I could tell him that his mental pictures were way off.

Rosalie kept saying, _Thank goodness I don't have to live like that_ , in between her fragmented images of what they were describing.

Esme's mind painted gloomy, disjointed images.

Carlisle's mind was immersed in their stories like an anthropologist visiting an undiscovered tribe. Given that Peter and Charlotte were much more normal for our kind than our family, it seemed funny in an ironic odd type of way.

As I got closer it sounded like the story was ending and I wondered if they were considering heading out soon. I knew I'd been a poor host, so I decided to stick around for a bit. The rest of my family would appreciate my effort. Driving at the speed limit, as I was sure Jessica would, sounded torturous anyway. Additionally, as long as Peter and Charlotte were here I could rest assured that Bella would be as safe as she could be.

Seeing that I'd been sitting all day in the forest and had been in Bella's room last night, I figured that I needed some clean clothes and a shower before I joined everyone. Afraid that our guests might pick up Bella's scent on me and be driven to hunt her against Carlisle's request, I took off my outer garments before I would have entered our guests hearing range wrapping them up and holding them close to my body to smoother them with my scent. Then I approached the house so that they wouldn't be able to see me from the living room and entered my room via my window. I hid my clothes with the pile I had been collecting. As I looked at the clothes, I realised that in a few short hours I would be back in this house confessing my improprieties. I felt a sense of a weight coming off my shoulders.

A memory of my human mother telling me, "confession is good for the soul," entered my mind.

What a gift! Two new memories of my mother. If nothing else, I was appreciative that this experience with Bella had given me a sense of understanding my family better and beforehand lost memories of my mother. Both these things were precious gifts.

As I was coming out of my room, Alice chided, _You'll need a jacket._ I went back in and found a jacket without question. I had learned the hard way–don't question these odd statements. I joined everyone in the living room sitting in one of the plush chairs. I listened as Peter told of some of their close calls with getting caught by humans, and the places they'd visited. Peter was an engaging storyteller. The story was nearly better than the images his mind painted. The longer I sat there the more antsy I got, but leaving seemed improper, so I went over to the piano.

I thought of how to capture their story, the story of most of our kind, nomads, living decade after decade in endless movement. I intended it to sound like a breeze, hardly noticeable, but instead it came out too stormy, too tempestuous. Jasper looked at me and I gave him a sort of hopeless shrug. I certainly didn't know how to help myself. I felt a type of content calm wash over me. I knew it was from Jasper, but I didn't mind. I nodded to him in gratitude. I used it to create a piece closer to what I intended. Conversation was coming to a close. Peter's and Charlotte's minds kept imaging the hunt their bodies were anticipating and the satisfaction of feeding, indicating that if they wished to respect Carlisle's request to feed away from this area they would need to leave soon. A few more hours of protecting Bella and then home to confess my weakness and sins.

 _What a strange creature,_ the Alice-sized, white blond Charlotte had been thinking looking over to me while I played.

Peter's thoughts were in sync with hers, which was usually the case for mates. _It must be the animals. The lack of human blood drives them mad eventually,_ he concluded. His hair was just as fair as hers. They were similar–except for size, as he was almost as tall as Jasper–in look and thought. I well matched pair, I'd always thought.

"If you see Maria again," Jasper said wearily, "tell her I wish her well."

Maria was the one who had created Jasper and Peter–Jasper in the latter half of the nineteenth century, Peter more recently, in the nineteen forties. She'd looked Jasper up once when we were in Calgary. It had been an eventful event–we had to move immediately. Jasper had politely asked her to keep her distance in the future.

"I don't imagine that will happen soon." Peter laughed–Maria was undeniably dangerous and there was not much love lost between Maria and Peter. Peter had, after all, been instrumental in Jasper's defection. Jasper had always been Maria's favourite; she considered it a minor detail that she had once planned to kill him. "But, should it happen, I certainly will."

They were shaking hand, preparing to depart. The song trailed off to an unsatisfying end. I got up hastily to my feet.

"Charlotte, Peter," I acknowledged nodding.

"It was nice to see you again, Edward," Charlotte said doubtfully.

Peter just nodded in return and they headed out.

 _Do you have anything to report, Edward?_ Carlisle asked.

I shook my head no slightly.

He looked puzzled. _You've had no interactions with her, then?_

I shook my head no again.

Peter and Charlotte were far enough away not to hear. I got up from the piano.

 _You going to keep an eye on Bella?_ Carlisle asked.

I nodded yes slightly. _Of course_ he knew that was what I had been doing for the last two days. Keeping things from him seemed to be impossible.

 _All right, but son, we'll need to talk once she's safely home._

I nodded my slight yes. Yes, we would talk. Yes, this would be the last time I would lay eyes on Bella. The decision was already made.

I got in the Volvo and drove towards Port Angeles.

 _Exactly like a madman,_ bellowed Emmett mentally.

 _Mental case,_ Rosalie thought at the same time.

 _My poor boy_ , Esme thought worryingly.

 _Don't think so much,_ I heard from Jasper.

And just about when I was out of range Alice added, _She's in the dress section of the department store._

I wasn't sure why Alice was helping me, since she obviously knew my intention of having us move. It must be because she loved Bella and wanted me to keep Bella safe. I would do just that from our guests and then from me. No matter Alice's motives she had never led me astray before. She knew that this would be my last hurrah.

As I drove I reviewed the decision I had made earlier. The revelation that Bella had in fact been dreaming about fictional characters was proof enough of a no, the rest was obviously my lure and persuasive capacities, nothing more. I had an answer for Esme now. Therefore, I concluded more fervently than I had previously, that the only gentlemanly thing to do was to respect her position and withdrawal.

Contrary to my resolve I felt more at ease the more miles my tires passed. The robust purr of the engine that Rosalie had boosted for me last year calmed my nerves. It was too bright for me to drive into town when I got to Port Angeles. Alice had told me where Bella was. It would be easy enough to keep tabs on her from afar since I knew where to start. I was certain that I would be able to find Jessica's thoughts, and from there Angela's. Then, when the shadows lengthened I could venture closer. For now, I pulled off of the road onto an overgrown driveway just out of town that appeared to be infrequently used, turned off the car, and searched out with my gift.

It wasn't long till I found Jessica.

 _Bella still looks pissed. Ha ha. Angela was right–Tyler was full of it. I can't believe she's so upset about it, though. At least she knows she has a backup date for the prom. What if Mike doesn't have fun at the dance, and he doesn't ask me out again? What if he asks Bella to the prom? Would she have asked Mike if I wouldn't have said anything? Does he think she's prettier than me? Does she think she's prettier than me? Does she really think that the blue one looks better? Or does she want me to look like a cow on Saturday?_

At least I had found Bella just where Alice said they would be. I was tired of listening to Jessica, though. I searched out to find Angela, but she was in the changing room, and it seemed inappropriate to listen in to her internal dialogue. There really wasn't much trouble Bella could get in at a department store with two friends. I would wait and listen in later. I put in Debussy letting it soak me in. I breathed in a deep breath. Bella's scent was very slight, but still lingered in the car. Yes, I was dangerous. Yes, I was certain my decision was the right one.

I sat in the car, checking in with Jessica or Angela every once in a while, wishing that I had the power to move the sun closer to the horizon quicker, the minutes ticking by so slowly. Bella's reaction to Tyler amused me. I had known that mentally he had meant it literally when he had spoken of the prom, that he had staked a claim. I pictured her expression on that afternoon when I watched her reaction in the rear-view mirror. I bet her reaction to this was just as priceless. I wished I could have been there to see it.

I saw where they decided to eat dinner. I considered calling Alice and us "dropping in", but remembered my decision and didn't. From Jessica's thoughts they had left the department store and were leisurely exploring Port Angeles.

 _Maybe I should take the necklace back. I have one at home that will probably work, and I spent more than I was supposed to … My mom is going to freak. What was I thinking?_

Then I checked in with Angela. _I don't mind going back to the store. Would Bella get worried though if she came looking for us, though?_

What was this? Bella wasn't with them anymore. How could I have allowed this to escape my notice? I was failing in my attempt to keep her safe for this one more night.

 _Oh, who cares about Bella?_ Jessica thought impatiently. _She'll be fine. We'll get to the restaurant in plenty of time. Anyway, I think she wanted to be alone._ A flash of the bookstore she thought Bella had gone to went through her mind.

 _Alright, but let's hurry then. I hope Bella doesn't think we ditched her. She was so nice to me in the car before … She really is a sweet person. But she seemed kind of blue all day. I wonder if it's because of Edward Cullen? I bet that's why she was asking about his family …_

She was sad because of me? Huh? A huge part of me wanted to revel in this possibility, but I used the knowledge of her no to push this desire away. I forced my mind to focus. Her sentiments no longer mattered, I reminded myself. I was here to keep Bella safe and I hadn't paid enough attention. Now she was off wandering by herself. I judged the shadows. The sun would be behind clouds soon enough. If I stayed on the west side of the road, where the buildings would shade the street from the fading light …

I started to feel a constriction of my chest as I drove through the sparse traffic of the town. I had considered this possibility–Bella taking off on her own–and I had no idea how to find her. I never had to look for a mind I couldn't hear before. I _should_ have considered it. I failed again, but this time Bella might pay the price. I considered how Jasper or Emmett or even Carlisle would have found someone.

I knew Port Angeles well; I drove to the bookstore I had seen in Jessica's head, hoping she'd be there, but feeling fairly certain that she wouldn't be. Sure enough, the little shop was empty except the anachronistically dressed woman behind the counter. I doubted Bella would have gone in. It didn't seem like the kind of place that would interest her. Then again, how much about Bella did I really know?

There was a patch of shade I could park in … There was a dark pathway right up to the shop's overhang. I really shouldn't get out of the car. It's too risky. What if a passing car threw the sun's reflection to the shade at just the wrong moment? But I didn't know how else to find Bella!

I parked and got out, keeping to the deepest side of the shadows. I quickly strode into the store, noting the faint trace of her scent outside, but not inside.

"Welcome! Can I help–" the clerk started, but I was already out the door.

I followed Bella's scent as far as the shade would allow, stopping when I got to the edge of the sunlight. I never hated the limitation of the shadows more than this moment. The interior of my chest rumbled in irritation. My very skin was preventing me from following her to make sure she was safe. I looked down at my hands disgusted. But this wasn't the moment for self-loathing. I needed to find Bella. My only guess was that she headed south, but there wasn't much down there. She must have gotten lost. That wouldn't have surprised me.

I got back into the car and drove around only catching her scent here and there, not enough to give me a clear direction to follow. I drove back and forth between the restaurant and the bookstore hoping any moment Bella would appear and the elephant on my chest would ease up a little.

I began flitting through the minds of strangers as much as I disliked doing so. It reminded me too much of when I hunted humans. But if it would help me find Bella I would do it. I had nothing better to go on, and surely, someone must have seen her somewhere.

Port Angeles isn't that big. I never had considered having to keep track of her if she was by herself. The weight of the elephant was really bearing down now. The clouds were massing on the horizon. Not much longer and the sun wouldn't pin me in, then I would be free to track her on foot.

All the while I was flittering through strangers' minds feeling by every passing moment the hunter I once was returning. Another mind, and another. Searching, then hunting for what I was looking for

… _think the baby had another ear infection …_

 _Was it six-four-oh or six-oh-four?_

 _Late again. I ought to tell him …_

 _Here she comes! Aha!_

There, at last, was her face. The relief lasted for the microsecond that it took my brain to recognise the kind of man attached to those thoughts who was gloating over her face in the shadow. His mind was well known to me. He was exactly the sort of mind that I had hunted all those years ago.

"NO!" I roared, and a volley of snarls erupted from my throat while the images of the deplorable condition Carlisle had brought home Rosalie in entered my mind. My foot shoved the gas pedal to the floor, but where was I going?

I could follow the thought to the general direction, but it wasn't precise enough to find her. There had to be something in his thoughts to help me, but he was focused on her frightened expression–enjoying the fear he saw there.

Her face was blurred in his mind with the faces of others. Bella was not his first victim.

The sound of my growls shook the frame of the car.

The picture in his mind that included Bella had no windows, primarily industrial looking. My car squealed around a corner, swerving past another vehicle, heading in what I hoped was the right direction. By the time that another driver honked, the sound was far behind me.

 _Look at her shaking!_ The man chuckled in anticipation. The fear was the high for him–the best part.

 _Feisty, telling me to stay away. I don't usually like them strong, but_ … he was enjoying the way she flinched when one of his buddies came from another direction. He began to imagine her pleas, the way she would beg …

Now that I knew that he was not alone I searched out for those others' minds hoping they would be more helpful. They were all intoxicated, not realizing the full extent of that scum's intentions. He had promised them a bit of fun and they were following his lead blind. One of them nervously wondered if they would be caught. It gave me enough information to know where to go.

I flew under a red light, sliding through a space just wide enough between two cars in the moving traffic. Horns blared behind me.

My phone vibrated in my pocket. I ignored it focusing my whole attention on finding Bella.

The scum moved slowly towards Bella thoughtful of each step, enjoying the suspense, drawing it out, waiting in anticipation for the moment she would scream.

 _Hum, she isn't going to run … brave, this one. They usually run. Maybe this will be better … more fight in her. Make it more interesting._

I was a block away. The scum surely could hear the roar of my engine by now, but he was paying it no mind, too intent on his prey, on enjoying this moment.

I would see how he enjoyed it when he was the prey, when he was the one running scared for his life. I enjoyed the image of what he would think of _my_ style of hunting.

A part of my mind began rummaging through my vast history of what I had read from scum that had died at my lips during my vigilante days. He would pay for this. Certainly, he would writhe in agony. The others would merely die, but not this scum, no he I would not give the gift of a quick death. He would beg me to end the suffering I would force him to endure.

The scum was in the road, crossing towards Bella.

I spun sharply around the corner, my headlights washing across the scene, and freezing the rest of them in place. I could have run down the scum easily who leapt out of the way, but that was too easy a death for him.

I let the car spin out, swinging all the way around so that I was facing back out the way I had come and the passenger door was closet to Bella. I leaned across and threw that door open.

She was already running toward the car.

"Get in," I snarled.

 _What the hell?_

 _Knew this was a bad idea! She's not alone._

 _Should I run?_

 _Think I'm going to throw up …_

Bella jumped though the open door without hesitating, pulling the door closed behind her. The irony that she was safer in here with me, a monster and killer, than out there with human scum was not lost on me.

And then she looked up at me with the most trustful expression I had ever seen on a human face, and all my violent plans crumbled. What was I going to do, really? Have her sit in the car while she watched me brutalize them? Would I drag them away, far enough to be out of her sight, leaving her alone in the car? No, I couldn't do that.

It would feel like part of the same motion to her as I accelerated away from her pursuers so quickly that they gasped at my car with uncomprehending expressions. She would not recognize my hesitation. She would assume my plan was escape from the beginning. She would not know of the murderous hunter I so wanted to become only this time it would not be for feeding, for blood. This time it would just be revenge. Yet, I couldn't do it. Even hitting him with my car would frighten her.

I wanted his death so savagely that the need for it clouded my thinking, rang in my ears, and reminded my tongue of a flavour that I hadn't tasted since I recommitted to being vegetarian. My muscles were coiled with the urgency, the craving, the necessity of it. I _had_ to do it. I would peel him back piece by piece, skin from muscle, muscle from bone …

Except for Bella, the only human that really mattered in this moment was clinging to her seat with both hands, staring at me, her eyes wide and utterly trusting. How could I betray that trust? Vengeance would have to wait.

"Put on your seat belt," I ordered. My voice was full of hate and my desire for his death. I would not soil myself by putting his blood inside of my body, but murder still the same.

She locked the seatbelt into place, jumping a little at the click sound it made. The little sound made her jump, yet she did not flinch as I tore through town, ignoring all the traffic guides. I could feel her eyes on me in the darkness. She seemed oddly relax and calm. She was breathing slightly heavily and her heart was slightly fast, but that might have been from the short sprint she exhibited from the street into the car. That didn't make sense. It was nowhere close to what I'd expect from someone who just experienced what she had.

"Are you okay," she asked, her voice rough with stress and fear.

Stress and fear were appropriate reactions. Why wasn't her body displaying those emotions in the regular way? And she wanted to know if _I_ was okay. I thought about her question for a fraction of a second. _Was_ I okay?

"No," I concluded my tone seethed with rage. I continued to monitor her heart rate and respiration hoping it might bring me some measure of calm. I took her to the same unused drive where I had engaged in the poorest surveillance ever kept. It was black now under the trees.

I was so furious that my body froze in place there, utterly motionless. My ice-locked hands ached to crush her attacker, to grind him into pieces so mangled that his body could never be identified …

But that would entail leaving Bella alone. Here. In the dark. No. ... No. In this moment she was the priority. Vengeance would have to wait.

"Bella?" I asked through my teeth.

"Yes?" she replied huskily.

"Are you all right?" That really was what mattered. That was the first priority. Retribution was secondary. Rationally I knew that, but the rage had filled every part of my being that it was hard to think.

"Yes." Her voice was still thick with fear no doubt.

And so I could not leave her. I would not fail her now. I would not fail the unwavering faith Esme had in me. I would not fail the trust Carlisle had given me just last night. I would protect this innocent girl who irrationally trusted me openly and completely. I would not, I could not, throw all of that away. Even if I could be confident that she would be safe in my absence, I could not leave her alone in the dark.

She must be so frightened. Her voice was certainly abnormal for her. Her heart rate was slowing and her breathing was returning to normal, but certainly she must wish for some comfort, some reassurance. I had none to offer. I didn't know how human females generally liked to be comforted, let alone Bella specifically. She must see the rage boiling within me. Certainly it must frighten her. Then, logic dictates, that to reassure her I must become less frightening which requires calming the rage that was threatening to boil over at any moment. I needed to think about something else. I needed a distraction.


	29. Chapter 29: Distract Me, Please

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

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"Distract me, please," I pleaded to Bella as much for her well-being as for mine.

"I'm sorry, what?" she nearly whispered confusion and uncertainty in her tone.

I really didn't have the capacity to be coherent let alone explain what I needed. Keeping the rage at bay was taking tremendous concentration. The memory of Bella's first day in Biology entered my mind. Despite all my intentions, I seemed to continuously put her in danger. To top it off, this time I had no way of fleeing and keeping her safe simultaneously. So, unless I wanted to leave her here by herself in the dark I had to find a way.

"Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," I attempted to explain. I hoped she understood me. I couldn't be certain. My whole body, jaw included, was still locked.

I considered taking in a breath wondering if her scent would help or make matters worse. I hadn't been around her since pre-dawn in her room. I decided to wait. The rage still consumed me. It would only take the slightest breeze to push me toward losing the few remnants of coherent thought that I had left. No. I couldn't do that. I had promised to keep her safe. This wasn't bloodlust exactly. Nevertheless, my ability to contain the monster's desire was too tenuous.

Only my concern for her held me in place and forced me to become calmer rather than acting on what I wanted to do. Against my will the scum's thoughts were still flooding into my mind. I didn't have the capacity to do what was necessary in order to send his mind into the background. His disappointment, his anger only fuelled my rage. It was also possible that my rage called on his thoughts. I knew how to find him. It wouldn't be that hard. More images of how I might hunt him entered my mind–the terror on his face that I wanted so badly. I closed my eyes, wishing my memory wasn't so precise, wishing that I could stop this scum's thought from entering my brain. I pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger hoping the motion would aid in my desire to push Bella's needs to the forefront.

"Um." She hesitated–trying to make sure of my request, I imagined. "I'm going to run over Tyler Crowley tomorrow before school?" She said it like she was asking if this is what I needed.

I squeezed my eyes tighter trying to force my brain and body to imagine the scene she was describing. Yes. This was exactly what I needed. Of course Bella would say something incredibly unconventional and unexpected. Like it had been in prior instances, the threat of violence purring from her lips was hilarious–so comical that it was jarring. If it were not for this seething rage pouring through my body I would have laughed.

"Why?" I barked out to force her to speak and to indicate for her to continue with this topic.

"He's telling everyone that he's taking me to prom," she continued with her tiger-kitten outrage. "Either he's insane or he's still trying to make up for almost killing me last … well, you remember it."

Yes, that was it. I needed to remember that. I needed to remember Esme telling me I was a hero. I needed to remember Carlisle telling me that he was proud of me. I needed to remember the feeling I had inside of me when I saved someone rather than took someone's life.

"And he thinks _prom,_ " she said the word like it was revolting, "is somehow the correct way to do this."

That peaked my curiosity. I would have to ask her what was so revolting about prom. As before, curiosity soothed the beast I was fighting.

"So I figure if I endanger his life, then we're even, and he can't keep trying to make amends. I don't need enemies."

I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to be Bella's enemy. She was just so kind, but then I remembered Jessica and her internal monologue. Suddenly my brain lost the scum and was listening to Jessica continuing to ponder over her outfit for the dance.

"And maybe Lauren would back off if he left me alone. I might have to total is Sentra, though." She slowed down some perhaps allowing her brain to catch up with her words.

I had observed how humans sometimes do this. Of course I couldn't be sure, since Bella's mind was still closed to me.

"If he doesn't have a ride he can't take anyone to prom …"

I appreciated that her brain could go in a wrong direction and that she caught herself. That was a lovely quality. This also clarified my earlier ponderings regarding if she was humble or simply blind when it came to herself. She obviously didn't see herself very clearly. She could not see the appeal she had for the human boys in the school. If this were the case, would she see my attraction to her? Given her blindness, it seemed unlikely.

Ah, it was working. The baffling processes of her mind were engrossing, stirring my curiosity, and pushing down the rage. I was beginning to gain control over my body and mind, to see something other than vengeance and torture …

She seemed to have lost her steam.

"I heard about that," I told her prompting her to continue.

" _You_ did?" she asked incredulously. Her anger seemingly refuelled.

Why did me hearing about it add fuel to her fire? I was lost again. Bella seemed to continuously do that to me. She seemed to make me feel like I knew nothing at all.

"If he's paralyzed from the neck down, he can't go to the prom, either," she continued with her plans of retribution.

I wished there was some way that I could explain without sounding absolutely diabolical of how her words of mayhem and death threats were exactly what I needed, to ask her to continue them. She picked the perfect medicine. How did she do that? Her words–just sarcasm, in her case, hyperbole–were the precise balm that I needed in this moment. Once again I was reminded what an angel she was. The antitheses to me, but somehow continuing to coax me into being ever so microscopically like Carlisle. Her powers astounded me.

I let out a small amount of my remaining breath, and opened my eyes. I wanted, needed, to see her face, to allow her radiance to flood my eyes and push back the images that kept threatening to overtake me again like a dam at the breach point.

"Better?" she asked timidly full of concern.

I considered. Yes, I was calmer, but not better. Despite the receding rage I still wanted the scum dead for what he had imagined doing to her. Right now I wanted it more than almost anything. Almost. It was the almost that was winning.

"Not really." Seemed like the most honest answer. I leaned my head back against the seat, staring at the ceiling of the car.

I certainly did not deserve this angel who sat next to me trusting me as if I wasn't a monster or a killer. Despite that, her words had reminded me of who I wanted to be. I had spent seven decades trying to show my parents that I wasn't a killer and that I deserved their trust and faith in me. I didn't want to let them down, and I didn't want to kill this beautiful sweet trusting creature next to me. Surely if I returned to that life–the life of a killer–even for just one night I would disappoint my parents and negate the trust Bella had placed in me. Even if I didn't take their blood and have the damning evidence of blazing red eyes would my family see a difference in my continence? Maybe. And Alice would see. I wanted to be more than a monster more than a killer for Bella–someone worthy to be her friend. And Alice had seen with her gift me kill enough humans. I didn't want to subject Alice to more. I was trying to protect my family while show myself that I could be more than my past. I hoped that maybe one day I would be good enough to be the son Esme and Carlisle deserved. But that required me being more like her–discussing murder being nothing more than a hyperbole.

"What's wrong?" she whispered.

How to explain? What words can I use that don't betray my family's secret. If I was going to answer I would need breath, and breathing required taking into my lungs her scrumptious scent. I hoped that I was ready. Slowly and silently I took in air through my nose steadying myself after each small inhalation. There was some similarity I realised between this and last night holding on to the eave of her bedroom window. The raw feeling now clawing my throat reminded me why I would never be worthy of her–she still caused my mouth to fill with venom and images of her taste to dance within me–but it didn't take me over. I couldn't give her the whole truth, but for all that she'd done for me I could give her some of the truth.

"Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella," I said softly hoping the tone would help her not be afraid of the reality of my words.

Bella, you are sitting here with a murderer who is imaging the sweet delectable flavour of your blood rolling down my throat soothing the burn scorching it. I looked at into the darkness remembering my desire for the sun to go away, for the shadows and darkness to return.

"But it _wouldn't_ be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those …" Just thinking about it almost pulled me from the car. I took a deep breath instead focusing on the burn of my throat and her scent filling my nose and throat. "At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself."

"Oh."

Now that you know, Bella. Now that you can see just the smallest fraction of what I'm capable of are you going to run away? You should run away. You _shouldn't_ be sitting here with a monster. She said nothing else. How much had she heard in my words? I looked at her face out of the corner of my eye, but her face was unreadable. It was blank. Shock, perhaps? She wasn't screaming. She wasn't desperately trying to get out of the car. Had it dawned on her that perhaps she went from the frying pan to the fire? No. I willed that not to be true. I had resisted her for seven weeks and today with her trusting look burned in my memory would not be the day that I succumbed to the monster. She might not be safe with me. I was dangerous after all, but she was going to be safer here than out there. I continued to war with myself.

"Jessica and Angela will be worried," she said quietly. Her voice was calm, and I was not sure how that could be. _Was_ she in shock? It seemed like the only reasonable explanation. Maybe reality just hadn't sunk in yet. "I was supposed to meet them."

With the mention of Jessica and Angela my mind reached out to theirs. Angela was worried. Jessica was annoyed.

Did Bella want to be away from me? Was she worried about her friends' worry? Was she trying to safely find some way to remove herself from the danger she surely now realised I posed? I started the car and took her back. I knew this was not a good plan for me. The closer we got to town the more the rage returned, and the harder it was to hold on to the parts of myself that her distraction had given me. Surely the righteous thing would be to protect the world from a man like him. He deserved to be punished. He didn't deserve to live. No! I wasn't giving up. I wouldn't leave her alone. With every letter of each word I willed myself to remember that she was my priority. Her safety was more important. I would keep her safe. Yes. I would keep her safe.

I forced myself to focus on Jessica and Angela. We were at the restaurant, but they were no longer inside. They were both worried now and were on their way to go find Bella. They were going to search for her, heading off along the dark street. With the scum out there it was not a good night for them to be wandering–

"How did you know where … " Bella's unfinished question halted my thoughts.

Oh, bugger! I had just yet made another gaffe. I'd been too consumed with controlling my murdering impulses that I forgot to ask where she was supposed to meet her friends.

But, instead of finishing the inquiry and pressing the issue, Bella just shook her head and half-smiled.

What did _that_ mean? My brain suddenly became consumed with attempting to find the answer. This was just the distraction from going on a murderous rampage I needed. Once again I marvelled and how she managed to give me exactly what I needed.

I opened my door.

"What are you doing?" she asked, sounding startled.

 _Not letting you out of my sight. Not allowing myself to be alone. In that order._ "I'm taking you out to dinner."

Friends could do that, especially as she would be going into shock soon. Even if I was leaving tonight, it seemed to be the least that I owed her.

With her scent in the car and her warmth spreading out touching my right side, not to mention her look of utter trust, the very thought of leaving her alone became searingly painful as if my arm was being slowly separated from my shoulder blade but the pain was in the centre of my chest. I was being torn in two. My world wasn't the only world where she was in danger. Wasn't Esme's story or Rosalie's story indicative of this? Perhaps I could respect her no, but remain in the shadows watching her, protecting her from danger including me? At these thoughts the pain receded but not completely.

I looked at the restaurant. This should be interesting. It seemed like another night entirely that I contemplated bringing Alice along and pretending to choose the same restaurant as Bella and her friends by accident. And now, here I was, practically on a date with her. I scolded myself. I hadn't given her the option, and we were friends. This was _not_ a date. What a brute I am!

She already had her door half open before I was half way around–it wasn't usually so frustrating to have to move at an inconspicuous speed–instead of waiting for me to get it for her. Was her behaviour because she wasn't used to being treated like a lady? Was this because she was accustomed to doing things for others? Or was it because she didn't think of me as a gentleman? No matter the reason, this wasn't the place to press the issue. I reversed my direction and went and stood on the sidewalk waiting for her to join me. My anxiety was rising as Jessica and Angela continued toward the dark corner.

"Go stop Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too," I ordered quickly. Tracking them down would be the opposite of helpful right now. I was barely holding on to keeping my feet planted. Shockingly, the clear air made it worse. Somehow Bella's scent, despite the burn, had been helping sooth the rage. Without it my hold on myself was tenuous at best. "I don't think I could myself if I ran into your other friend again."

No, I was fairly certain I would not be strong enough for that. And I desperately didn't want to lose control of myself in front of Bella. I wanted to be better than that.

She shuttered, and then quickly collected herself. She took half a step towards them, calling, "Jess! Angela!" in a loud voice for her. Now where was that volume when she was being surrounded?

I listened into their thoughts to make sure they had heard her.

 _Bella! Oh, she's safe!_ thought Angela with relief.

 _Late much?_ Jessica grumbled, but she too was grateful Bella wasn't lost or hurt. This made me like her a little bit more.

They hurried back, and then stopped a few feet from us, shocked that I was standing beside her.

 _Uh-_ uh _!_ Jessica thought, stunned. _No freakin' way!_

 _Edward Cullen? Did she go away by herself to find him? But why did she ask about them being out of town if she knew he was here …_ A brief flash of Bella's mortified expression when she had asked Angela if my family was often absent from school surfaced. _No, she couldn't have known. It must be chance,_ Angela decided.

Jessica's thoughts moved past surprise and onto suspicion. _She's been holding out on me._

"Where have you been?" Jessica demanded, staring at Bella, but peeking at me out of the corner of her eye.

"I got lost." Yes, and then were nearly raped and bludgeoned to death. "And then I ran into Edward," Bella explained, waving one hand at me. Her tone was remarkable normal. Like that was truly all that happened.

Attention. She doesn't like attention I reminded myself. She was probably well practiced at minimizing things that had happened to her. That seemed like a fairly reasonable conclusion. The calmness, though, could only be explained by shock.

With my wits about me now and remembering to feign ignorance, I asked, "Would it be all right if I joined you?"

That sounded polite, courteous, gentlemanly, and I had remembered to give them the right to say no. Maybe I had gained some measure of control over my rage.

 _Holy_ crap _but he's hot!_ Jessica's thoughts suddenly incoherent.

Angela wasn't much better. _Wish we hasn't eaten. Wow. Just. Wow._

Now, why couldn't I do that to Bella? a part of me grumbled. Why did she have to be the one anomaly to everything about me? Then I remembered that I didn't want her to be attracted to me and pushed my whiny thoughts aside.

"Er … sure," Jessica agreed barely breathing.

Angela frowned. "Um, actually, Bella, we already ate while we were waiting," she admitted. "Sorry."

 _What? Why did you have to say that? I could have eaten again in order to sit next to the hunk that is Edward Cullen. Shut up Angela!_

Bella shrugged. So at ease like nothing was amiss, nothing out of the ordinary. Definitely an abnormal response for a human.

"That's fine–I'm not hungry," she stated assuredly.

Was she really not hungry or was she just being kind? My internal sense to protect her, even against herself kicked in. I had already rationalized acting against her wishes twice; it wasn't hard to come to the same conclusion.

"I think you should eat something." I attempted to sound authoritative but not parental.

She should get sugar in her bloodstream. I took in a breath near her to check. It smelled sweet enough as it was, I thought wryly, delicious in fact. The horror was bound to come crashing down around her shortly, and an empty stomach wouldn't help. She was an easy fainter, as I knew from experience.

These girls weren't in danger of mayhem stalking them, but still it would upset Bella if something were to happen to them. And I would rather be alone with Bella–as long as she was willing to be alone with me. This would require giving her choice, which I wasn't sure she was of sound mind to do. It seemed more prudent to ask her girlfriends.

"Do you mind if I drive Bella home tonight? That way you won't have to wait while she eats."

Yes, much better. Polite. Gentlemanly. Displays consideration. And gave the option to say no.

"Uh, no problem, I guess …" Jessica stared in the direction of Bella, looking for some sign that this was what she wanted.

Yes. This was what I needed. I was glad Jessica was checking in with Bella and not just making the decision for her.

 _I want to stay … but she probably wants him to herself. Who wouldn't?_

I intently watched Jessica's eyes to see through their reflection what she might see as Bella's response. I watched as Bella winked.

Bella _winked_? What did _that_ mean? Had she said something to Jessica while I had been away? My mind was swimming.

"Okay," Angela said quickly.

She must have seen Bella's reaction as well, but I hadn't been paying as much attention to her. She seemed to be in a hurry to get out of the way if that was what Bella wanted. And it seemed that both girls got the impression that was what Bella wanted. We had been attempting friendship after all. A small part of myself wondered if Bella had inadvertently given me a proper yes. Well, I reasoned, it matched her request of friendship.

I tried to determine if there was anyway Bella could have been unduly influenced by my persuasive abilities. It seemed that the opposite was the case here. I had been the opposite of persuasive. A very small part of my brain wondered if perhaps she was saying yes to more than just friendship. Was it possible that I had been _wrong_ that she would say _yes_ to me _?_ I immediately dislodged the thought. No, we were friends going to eat. That was all.

"See you tomorrow, Bella … Edward," Angela continued. She struggled to say my name in a casual tone.

Then she grabbed Jessica's hand and began towing her away.

I would definitely have to find some way to thank Angela.

Jessica's car was close by and in a bright circle of light cast by the streetlamp. Bella watched them carefully, a little crease of concern between her eyes until they got in the car. So, she must be aware of the danger she had been in. Jessica waved as she drove away, and Bella waved back. It wasn't until the car disappeared that she took a deep breath and turned to look up at me.

"Honestly, I'm not hungry," she implored.

Why had she waited for them to be gone before speaking to me directly? It seemed, unbelievable, that she wanted to be alone with me after witnessing my homicidal rage. Here she stood after indicating to her friends that she was saying yes. I was confounded. Either way, I was going to get food and liquid into her system.

"Humour me."

I held the restaurant door open for her and waited.

She sighed with resignation and walked through. Did she feel like I was forcing her hand even though she had indicated yes? If that was the case, why indicate yes? I had clearly mentioned food. It seemed like I was clear on my intention for her to eat. Yet another thing about Bella that was lost on me.

I walked beside her to the podium where the hostess waited. Bella still seemed calm and entirely self-possessed. It unnerved me. I wanted to touch her hand, her forehead to check her temperature, to calm my nerves that she was all right. Friends don't do that, I told myself. Either way my frigged hands would repulse her, as they had before, for good reason. I was not warm. I was not like her. She should fear my touch, but she didn't seem to fear me. Instead she had trusted me. What a confusing creature!

 _Oh, my, my,_ the hostess's rather loud mental voice intruded into my consciousness. I really disliked it when people yelled like that. It made it very difficult to keep them in the background. _My, oh my._

It seemed to be my night to turn heads. Or was I only noticing because I was concerned about Bella's safety. Certainly my allure wasn't as dangerous as other parts of me, but it was there to bring in prey. We were always attractive to our prey. I didn't want Bella to be my prey. Usually–unless it was with people like Jessica Stanley or Shelly Cope where there was a constant repetition to dull the horror–the fear usually kicked in fairly quickly after the initial attraction …

"A table for two?" I prompted when the hostess appeared mute smiling like a Chester cat.

"Oh, er, yes. Welcome to La Bella Italia." _Mmm! What a voice!_ "Please follow me." Her thoughts were preoccupied–calculating. I was waiting for the terror to set in.

 _Maybe she's his cousin. She couldn't be his sister, they don't look anything alike. But family, definitely._ He _can't be with_ her.

Human eyes were so clouded; they saw nothing clearly. She saw my physical lures–snares for prey–so attractive, but could not see the soft perfection of the girl beside me. She jumped to a familial connection due to the physical distance between us rather than a more natural assumption: friends. And still no terror. That really was odd.

 _Well, no need to help her out, just in case,_ she reasoned as she led us to a family-sized table in the middle of the most crowded part of the restaurant. _Can I give him my number while she's there …?_ she mused.

I pulled a bill from my pocket. People were inevitable more cooperative when money was involved.

Bella was already beginning to sit without objection. I shook her head at her, and she hesitated, cocking her head to one side with curiosity. Yes, she would be very curious tonight. Why had I not thought about that? I had been so focused on calming my rage and her shock that I hadn't considered what would happen after we sat down. I considered walking out. Unfortunately, that wouldn't solve the reasons why we entered. No, we needed stay and I needed to manage the conversation. Whatever that might look like a crowd was not ideal.

"Perhaps something more private?" I requested, handing the hostess the money.

Her eyes widened in surprise, and then narrowed as her hand clutched around the tip.

"Sure."

She peeked at the bill while she led us around a dividing wall.

 _Fifty dollars for a better table? Rich too. That makes sense–I bet his jacket cost more than my last paycheck. Damn. Why does he want privacy with_ her _?_

She offered us a booth in a quiet corner of the restaurant where no one else would be able to see us. I had no clue what Bella would want from me tonight. Or what I would give her. Either way the further away from possible listening ears the better. How much had Bella guessed? What other faux pas had I made? What explanations of tonight's events had she told herself?

"How's this?" the hostess asked.

It was better. "Perfect," I told her, and feeling slightly annoyed by her restful attitude toward Bella, I smiled widely at her, baring my teeth, letting her see me clearly, hoping the terror would now set in.

 _Whoa._ "Um," she blinked multiple times like she'd seen the sun, "your server will be right out." _He can't be real. I must be asleep. Maybe she'll disappear … maybe I'll write my number on his plate in ketchup …_ She wandered away, listing slightly to the side. Finally I could put her voice back into the background.

That was incredibly odd. She still wasn't frightened even after barring my teeth. I don't think that's ever happened before. I suddenly remembered Emmett's joke in the cafeteria so many weeks ago. _I'll bet I could have scared her better than that._

Was I losing my edge? Not that I enjoyed people being terrified of me, but it ensured a safe distance and kept the human population safer. If somehow that wasn't the case anymore, what could that mean for me or for my family? My mind began to wander to memories of how females responded to Carlisle.

"You really shouldn't do that to people," Bella chastised me interrupting my contemplations. "It's hardly fair."

I stared at her critical expression. What did she mean? I hadn't frightened the hostess despite my intentions. I went through all the events that had transpired trying to figure out what she was referring to. Eventually I gave up. "Do what?"

"Dazzle them like that–she's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now."

Hmm. Bella was very nearly right. I focused my attention to my hearing, ensuring I wouldn't pick up her thoughts again. The hostess was only semi-coherent at the moment, describing her incorrect assessment of me to her friend on the wait staff.

"Oh, come on," Bella chided me when I didn't answer immediately. "You _have_ to know the effect you have on people."

Yes, they are momentarily stunned and then are terrified. And for good reason. They are our prey. I can hypnotise people like Mrs. Cope to get what I want, but I do that purposefully. Otherwise people are shunned by our otherness. But this is not what Bella was seeing. She saw me as dazzling people.

"I dazzle people?"

That was an interesting way of putting it. It was certainly true for tonight. I wondered if it was only on females. I wondered why the difference …

"You haven't noticed?" drawing me out of my thoughts again, her voice still critical. Did it bother her? "Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"

No. I know my powers of persuasion, but tonight is different.

"Do I dazzle _you_?" I voiced my curiosity impulsively, and then the words were out and it as too late to recall them.

I waited and studied her face.

Before I had time to too deeply regret speaking the words aloud she answered, "Frequently." And her cheeks took on a faint pink glow.

I dazzled her. What did that mean? Did I need to be even more careful that I wasn't accidently using my powers of persuasion on her–dazzling her as she said? I thought back to her yeses. I had concluded her yeses were from my lure. Was this her confirmation? I considered the implications. Why, then, if she was aware of the effect, had she requested friendship? I reviewed that conversation. She had requested us to be friends without any dazzling–right then, friends seemed a dazzle-free claim. I was utterly confused.

Someone was coming. Most likely the waitress from the sound of her footsteps.

"Hello," she said. Her thoughts were even more explicit and loud than the hostess.

I focused on Bella in an attempt to tune them out. I watched the blood spread under her skin, noticed not how it made my throat flame, but rather how it brightened her fair face, how it set off the cream of her skin …

The waitress was waiting for something from me. Ah, she'd asked for our drink order. I continued to stare at Bella, and the waitress grudgingly turned to look at her.

"I'll have a coke?" Bella said if asking for approval.

"Two cokes," I amended.

This was a good sign. Thirst–normal, human thirst–was a sign of shock. And the sugar from the soda would be of benefit.

She looked healthy though. More than healthy. She looked radiant. I felt like I was becoming a newborn again. One moment I was in a murderous rage and now I was consumed with my attraction to her.

"What?" she demanded–wondering why I was staring probably.

The waitress had left.

Bella had so distracted me I hadn't noticed. This was the second time. First had been with Emmett, so not too concerning. This time posed much more risk. While that part of my mind worried, another part attempted to find stanza lines that would capture Bella's beauty and my feelings. I chided myself. I had worked on containing this attraction. Romantic acts, no matter how improved from the mental images of what I wanted to do to her body, were beyond the bounds of friendship. We are here as friends, I reminded myself.

"How are you feeling?"

She blinked, surprised by the question. "I'm fine."

I thought about how many times she had said that in the hospital.

"You don't feel dizzy, sick, cold … ?"

I was intently watching her features, listening to her heartbeat, and listening to her breathing.

She was even more confused now. "Should I?"

Yes, Bella, you should. You have to ask? Did you forget so quickly what might have been? Her confusion bemused me.

"Well, I'm actually waiting for you to go into shock." I half-smiled waiting for her denial. She would not want to be taken care of.

It took her a minute to answer me. Her eyes looked slightly unfocused. I recalled that she looked that way sometimes, when I smiled at her. Was she? Dazzled? I listened to her heart rate quicken and her breathing become more shallow. The idea excited me, but the prospect frightened me. I would have to be _very_ careful.

"I don't think that will happen. I've always been very good at repressing unpleasant things," she explained slightly breathless.

Did she have a lot of practice with unpleasant things? I recalled Carlisle's observations about it not being the first time she'd hit her head, and she did seem versatile on how to exit care. These inconsequential observations seemed to take on a new light. Perhaps her life had always been unusually hazardous.

"Just the same. I'll feel better when you have some sugar and food in you."


	30. Chapter 30: Confessions

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

The waitress returned with the two cokes and a basket of bread. She put them in front of me, and asked for my order, trying to catch my eye in the process. She had a vulgar mind.

I indicated that she should attend to Bella by giving Bella my attention. I hoped that I could determine what Bella was thinking, but I seemed to be failing.

"Um …" Bella glanced quickly at the menu. "I'll have the mushroom ravioli."

The waitress turned back to me eagerly. "And you?"

"Nothing for me," I stated almost automatically barely registering the question.

I was too occupied to pretend to eat, but then I realized after the words were out of my mouth that perhaps I could have at least ordered something. Bella made a slight face. Hmm. Another error on my part? I wondered if she had guessed that I never ate food. Bella seemed to notice everything. And I seemed to easily forgot to appear human around her. Too late now. My kryptonite indeed. I mentally rushed through all the ways that I could attempt to repair whatever exposure I had made. I had plenty of practice over the years. Unfortunately all of the scenarios I could imagine resulted in her death. The fact that I was beginning to mentally, at least, side with Jasper was disconcerting. I decided to put those thoughts on hold for after I knew more.

I waited till we were alone again.

"Drink," I insisted.

I was surprised when she complied immediately. She had never been this compliant previously. She drank until the glass was entirely empty, so I pushed the second coke towards her, frowning a little. Thirst, or shock? Why was she being so agreeable? Was that shock also? She seemed quite calm and collected.

She drank a little more, and then shuddered once.

"Are you cold?" I asked concerned.

Perhaps now reality was beginning to hit her. I reviewed all that I knew about shock and its effects. Her heart rate was calm, so that didn't give me much information.

"It's just the coke," she answered, but she shivered again, he lips trembling slightly as if her teeth were about to chatter.

The pretty blue blouse she wore looked too thin to protect her adequately; it clung to her like a second skin, almost as fragile as the first. It would not be helpful in keeping her warm if she were shivering from shock. She was so frail, so mortal, so easily snuffed from the earth.

"Don't you have a jacket?" I wondered out loud. A jacket would help.

"Yes." She looked around herself, a little perplexed. "Oh–I left it in Jessica's car."

I could at least in this small thing do something gentlemanly. I pulled off my jacket, wishing that my cold temperature did not mar the gesture. It would have been better to have given her a warm coat. She stared at me, her cheeks warming again. What was she thinking?

I handed her the jacket from across the table, and she put it on. She shuttered again. Yes, it would be very nice if I were warm.

"Thanks," she said.

She took a deep breath, and then pushed the too-long sleeves back to free her hands. She took another deep breath.

I liked her wearing my coat. I could feel that warm sensation growing inside of me. I enjoyed the feeling. I had offered her something and she had said yes. It wasn't a big thing, but it meant something especially as she hadn't appeared to have taken it grudgingly. Friends gave friends their coats. Perhaps this indicated her sincerity in us being friends? I reviewed the exchange to ensure I hadn't accidently dazzled her, as she had described it. I looked at my coat on her, how it looked so daunting on her small frame with her light blue blouse. It was quite the contrast.

"That colour blue looks lovely with your skin," I complimented her honestly.

She flushed, enhancing the effect. I evaluated her again. Taking in her heart rate, noting that she seemed to have returned to a normal breathing level. Her heart rate was just fine. She looked well, but there was no point in taking chances.

I pushed the basket of bread towards her.

"Really," she objected, guessing my motives. "I'm not going into shock."

I evaluated how truthful she sounded.

"You should be–a _normal_ person would be. You don't even look shaken," I pointed out.

I stared at her attempting to understand how a person who smelled and looked and felt as if they could be human acted in such non-human ways. I wasn't sure how much my lists about her where really helping me right now. I didn't seem to be able to judge what she would do.

"I feel very safe with you," she replied sincerely her eyes filling with trust.

Trust I didn't deserve. Had she not heard me last week when I told her I was dangerous? It seemed that she had understood. She was smart and observant. I knew that much. She had recoiled when it finally sunk in that I was dangerous, but had insisted that I wasn't bad. She thought of me as a superhero. And I wanted to be a hero. I had killed so many, and saving her had been a redeeming act. Somehow she decided that since she didn't think I was bad that she could trust me? That seemed so illogical.

She stood against those men instead of running. It seemed that she didn't recognize danger and flee from it like most humans instinctually did. Were her instincts abnormal in some way as well? How could I protect her from myself when _she_ didn't want to be protected from me? When she _trusted_ me? Esme's words rang in my head, reminding me that it was her choice. Could trusting someone be considered a choice? I pondered. Yes, I suppose Bella was choosing to trust me. Obviously, she was basing her choice on faulty information, but I couldn't correct that. Where did that leave things? I reminded myself that whether Bella chose to trust me or not, she had said no. That much had been clear.

"This is more complicated that I'd planned," I murmured to myself.

I watched her expression attempt to make sense of my words, and I realized that I had spoken loud enough for her to hear.

She took a breadstick and began to eat without seeming aware of the action.

I continued to make so many errors around her. I went back through my memories and considered the thoughts of previous young gentlemen that I had watched court a lady. I realized that they too had many of the same problems. They had misstepped and blundered. In some ways I found that reassuring, more human-like in some way than I had ever felt. I would miss how human Bella made me feel. The reality hit me like one of Rosalie's and Emmett's destroyed houses–my blunders could cost everyone that meant anything to me their existence and Bella her life. This was exactly why my attraction was so dangerous. It caused me to make mistakes I would never otherwise made. Worse, I didn't know how to stop.

I began to feel that agony that I had when I believed that I had let Carlisle down. Why was my attraction to this girl causing me such mistakes, mistakes that he had trained me well not to make? I was failing him and I didn't know how to stop my behaviour. Just as my emotions and thoughts turned downward I remembered my decision about leaving tonight. I couldn't stop the exposure that I had already created, but I would stop any more. I knew in that moment that I couldn't stay and watch her from the shadows. She held too much power over me. No. I would have to leave completely. She had said no, and I used the agony I was feeling to fortify my decision. With my choice firmly in place I focused back on her and how I might use this conversation to my advantage.

I was glad to see her eat. A bit of food would be good for her. She probably hadn't eaten since lunch at school. I wondered what her thoughts were.

She chewed for a moment, and then leaned her head to one side thoughtfully. "Usually you're in a better mood when your eyes are so light," she stated in a casual tone.

Her observations, stated so matter-of-factly left me reeling.

"What?" I sputtered out in shock.

My head swam in the possibilities of what else she had noticed. This was not going in a good direction. I tried to calm myself. I listed what she might have noticed: I had referred to her as Bella, when it should have been Isabella, I never ate, my eyes changed colour, I had stopped the van, I knew where to take her without asking, I had found her tonight, and my skin was cold. That shouldn't be enough to come to the right conclusion.

"You're always crabbier when your eyes are black–I expect it then. I have a theory about that," she added lightly.

Crabby? She thought me crabby? I suppose that was one way to describe it. Borderline homicidal was another. The fact that she had come up with her own explanation didn't surprise me. I shouldn't have expected less really. A sense of dread came upon me as I wondered if this fact might lead her close to the truth. I reviewed what I believed she knew once again. Perhaps her theory explained her no in the midst of her trust. She trusted me because I had saved her from the van, but whatever theory she'd drawn had resulted in her no. I still wasn't sure where her request for friendship came into all of this. Since I was leaving it would be another mystery I didn't have an answer to. But right now I needed to know our level of exposure I had caused.

"More theories?" I asked casually hiding my curiosity and concern.

I wondered again how close she might have gotten. The popular myths that surrounded our kind didn't fit her evidence.

"Mm-hm." She chewed on another bite, entirely nonchalant.

Either it didn't bother her that she was discussing the aspects of a monster with the monster itself or she still thought as me as a hero.

"I hope you were more creative this time …" I teased, attempting to sound as nonchalant as she did. Did I want her to be more creative? To my shock I discovered that a part of me did. The part of me that agreed to our possible friendship wanted her to _know_ me, to trust me despite of all that I am. That was not a good sign. Her knowing me would only lead to our mutual destruction. I reminded myself of the only rule that matters in my world. Good thing I had already decided to leave. "Or are you still stealing from comic books?"

I hoped that like last time my teasing could pull the answers I needed from her to ensure my family's safety. I waited anxiously for her human brain to respond.

"Well, no, I didn't get it from a comic book," she said a little embarrassed, "but I didn't come up with it on my own, either."

The wait was killing me. This waiting for her to speak at a human speed was torturous. Finally after what felt like eternity and was probably more like two seconds, I asked between my teeth, "And?"

Surely she would not speak so calmly if she were about to scream, so there was that. Suddenly I realized that I should have been paying more attention to the surroundings. As she hesitated, biting her lip, the waitress reappeared with Bella's food. She set the plate in front of Bella. I was split between paying close attention to Bella and scanning the area telepathically to make sure nothing was amiss. Somewhere in my awareness I recognized that the waitress asked if I wanted anything. I declined, but asked for more Coke, as she hadn't seemed to notice they were empty. She took them and left.

After checking that we were in the clear, "You were saying?" I prompted anxiously.

It was then that I realized that I had missed another opportunity to order food and dispel Bella's possible observation about food intake. I could have even forced myself to swallow something for good measure. I had been too consumed by her, the conversation, and my poor attempts at surveillance. I would have to make sure I didn't give Bella my full attention from now on. I couldn't have the staff accidently hearing, and I needed to do a better job of keep up appearances. My failures were mounting to insurmountable proportions. I wanted to wallow where I sat, but I realized that if I did do I'd most likely make the situation worse. I consciously took all that I was feeling and placed it aside knowing that I would come back to it later and focused on how to minimize the exposure I had caused.

"I'll tell you about it in the car," she said in a low voice as if she were suddenly nervous. She wasn't willing to speak her guess around others. That wasn't a good sign. "If …" she seemed to tack on suddenly.

"There are conditions?" I was so tense I almost growled out the words.

This time I was definitely checking the area. We were still fine.

"I do have a few questions, of course."

Of course _Bella_ had questions. When had Bella ever given something away without asking me to give away too much of myself first? On the good side, her questions would probably be enough for me to figure out what general direction her ideas were heading. But how to answer them? With responsible lies as I have done since I came to be with Carlisle? With the truth that would assuredly send her and my family to our collective deaths? Or would I say nothing? It seemed for a moment that every conversation, every action taken over the last seven weeks came down to this moment. Of course I already had her no. We came in here because I wasn't safe to be left alone this close to the scum and she needed care. I didn't need to get a no from her. I needed to leave this conversation knowing that I had minimized the possibility of consequences including to Bella. Then I would go home and we would move. And everything would go back to the way it was before Forks.

"Of course," I agreed, my voice hard.

The waitress was coming. I waited tensely, and Bella waited also as if she was following my cue, aware in some way of the need to maintain secrecy.

She came, replenished our drinks, and left.

Bella took a sip, seemingly still waiting on me.

"Well, go ahead," I said, jaw locked.

I monitored the space around us and counted her heartbeats while I waited.

"Why are you in Port Angeles?"

I'm not sure why, but that was not the question I expected. Perhaps she thought she'd start with an easy one, a low ball question as it were. No, I wasn't ready to give so much away. Let her reveal something first.

"Next," I said.

"But that's the easiest one!" she protested.

"Next," I said again with a firm tone.

She appeared frustrated by my refusal. She looked down to the table, unrolled her silverware, picked up her fork, and speared a ravioli. Slowly, thinking hard, she took a bite and chewed with deliberation. She washed it down with more coke, and then finally looked up at me. Her eyes were narrow with suspicion.

As I watched her deliberate I kept tabs on her heart rate and breathing expecting her to bolt at any minute, I also kept tabs of the distance between our table and any humans who might be able to over hear. Simultaneously I was trying to narrow down what her theories might be to the top three.

"Okay then," she finally said slowly. "Let's say, hypothetically of course, that … someone … could know what people are thinking, read minds, you know–with a few exceptions."

I felt my body go into shock and then relax almost instantly. I doubted she would have seen me freeze. It would have been too fast for her human eyes. Was this the source of her questions? Was this why she asked about me being in Port Angeles? She had a theory about what I am, but it seemed this wasn't it. Was my telepathy part of her theory? If so, it wasn't so bad as it could be. Being telepathic was odd certainly, but within a certain bandwidth of supposed human capacity and fit within her previous idea of me being a superhero. It explained her little half-smile in the car. She was quick–no one ever guess this about me, not even my own kind. Except for Carlisle, and it had been rather obvious then, in the beginning, when I'd answered all his thoughts as if he'd spoken them to me. He'd understood before I had …

No, this wasn't as bad as it could be. It spoke nothing of my family's secret. As a mentally deliberated what to say, I realized that I could use her guess to explain much of my behaviour. This would give her a false trail through truth–one that kept her on the safe side of my kind's rule. I weighed if I could trust her with this. She had already proven her trustworthiness. Me stopping the van was far worse than this. I listened again for any unwanted ears.

"Just _one_ exception," I corrected, "hypothetically."

She fought a smile–my vague honesty and willingness to play along seemed to please her. "All right, with one exception, then. How does it work? What are its limitations? How would … that someone … find someone else at exactly the right time? How would he know she was in trouble?"

These all seemed like reasonably curious questions, like Carlisle when he first finds out something new, wanting to know everything there is about this new thing. The trick was how to answer some of her questions without giving too much of my fundamental nature away, how to lay a false trail as it were.

Precautious in case I failed to listen to the room as well as needed to, I confirmed, "Hypothetically?"

I was fairly certain she'd unequivocally agree, but pressing the need for this not to be in the realm of reality seemed important.

"Sure." Her lips twitched, and her liquid brown eyes were eager.

I deliberated on how to speak about this, which parts to share, and which parts to leave out.

"Well," I hesitated; still not sure how I wanted to play this game. I calculated my options again. "If … that someone …"

"Let's call him 'Joe,'" she suggested.

I had to smile at her enthusiasm. Did she really think the truth would be a good thing? If my secrets were pleasant, why would I refuse to tell them to her? My conversation with my father about the risks ran in my head.

"Joe, then. If Joe had been paying attention, the timing wouldn't have needed to be quite so exact." Let me admit my fault, my weakness, where I failed. I felt this tremendous needed to admit to her that although I had found her, I had also failed her. As I did so I felt more at ease. I shook my head and repressed a shudder at how close I had been to being too late today to unforgivably failing her. The image that formed in my mind distracted me from our hypothetical game. "Only _you_ could get into trouble in a town this small. You would have devastated their crime rate statistics for a decade, you know," I teased.

Her lips turned down at the corners, and pouted out. "We were speaking of a hypothetical case."

I laughed at her irritation. She was better at keeping my secrets than I was it seemed. So quickly I had forgotten the importance of the conversation staying out of the realms of reality. Then, of course, her receiving attention would have bothered her. Perhaps my teasing didn't get on her best side. Her lips, her skin … She, they, looked so soft, so vulnerable. I wanted to touch them. I wanted to press my fingertip against the corner of her frown and turn it up. Impossible. My skin would be repellent to her. She was drawing me in again taking all of my focus. I once more attempted to cage this attraction like I had the monster. I forced myself to pay attention to the surroundings before I depressed myself too thoroughly. We were still fine.

"Yes, we were. Shall we call you Jane?"

She leaned across the table toward me all humour and irritation gone from her wide eyes. "How did you know?" she asked, her voice low and intense.

I still was uncertain how much to tell her. We had moved through the preliminaries. This was the crux. I wished for a moment that I could call Alice and ask her what the outcome of speaking the truth would be, but really I already knew Alice's answer. Alice was confident that Bella was meant to be one of us. And I was definite that would not be. Could I trust what Alice might say, then? As looked across to Bella I remembered how Alice told me to grab a jacket and how she had told me where to find Bella. Sly pixie. I would have to ask her what she had seen. I might even have to thank her for this. I believed that Alice was, in her own way, supporting me being honest about this at least. That seemed clear to me in this moment. I knew Alice would do nothing that would put Bella in harms way. She already loved her and saw her as her best friend. I searched myself. Did I want to tell Bella? Yes, I did. I wanted to deserve the trust I could see on her face.

"You can trust me, you know," she whispered, and she reached one hand forward as if to touch my hands where they rested on top of the table.

I pulled them back –hating the thought of her reaction to my frigid skin–and she dropped her hand.

I knew that I could trust her with protecting my secrets and my family's secret; she was entirely trustworthy, good to the core. Plus, she had already shown twice that she wouldn't say anything even though she had no reason to keep it to herself. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that my secrets, except my telepathy, were my family's secret, and I had no right to endanger them. And her knowing would endanger her. We were so tightly tied together–them and me. I didn't know how to walk that line anymore. Her reassurance, the look on her face, and her reaching out for me broke something inside of me, some wall, some defence that had kept everyone else out. This wasn't about her no anymore. This was about whether or not I wanted to expose this part of myself to her. False trail or not the truth left me vulnerable. But I knew one thing for certain: I couldn't resist her request.

"I don't know if I have a choice anymore," I murmured.

Her trust was so absolute. My desire to live up to Esme's and Carlisle's words was such a strong pull. I felt myself being lost in Bella and forgetting my responsibilities. I needed to focus on something else. I put some attention towards our environment. Me being uncharacteristically unobservant reminded me of when I had teased her that she was 'exceptionally unobservant'. I had offended her, by all accounts, if I'd judged her expressions correctly. In this small way I could convey my apologies for being less than she believed me to be.

"I was wrong–you're much more observant than I have given you credit for." I hoped she heard the conviction in my apology.

I was wrong to want to devour such an amazing creature as yourself. I was wrong to think of you as my devil incarnate. I was wrong about so many things.

"I thought you were always right." She smiled as she teased me.

Ah, she remembered that comment in the nurse's office. Was there anything about me that she didn't remember? I wondered if that was typical for human friends.

"I used to be," I answered solemnly.

I used to believe that I understood my world. You have opened my eyes, Bella, to see that I barely understood it at all. I used to be always right. I used to have all the answers. Now everything is chaos and tumult.

Yet, strangely, I wouldn't trade it. I gained so much by having Bella in my life it was worth it. She had opened my eyes without even knowing it or meaning to.

"I was wrong about you on one other thing, as well. You're not a magnet for accidents–that's not a broad enough classification. You are a magnet for _trouble_. If there is anything dangerous within a ten-mile radius, it will invariable find you."

Bella's face turned serious again. "And you put yourself into that category?"

"Unequivocally," I answered solemnly.

Death by the van or even by me would have been better than my secret desires burning inside of me now–my desire to have Alice's vision of her with blazing red eyes–to take her soul. But I would not do it. I would not condemn her to this life. I could not imagine a worse fate for the angel sitting across from me.

Her eyes narrowed slightly–not suspicious now, but oddly concerned. She reached her hand across the table again, slowly and deliberately. I pulled my hand back when she was an inch away, but she ignored that, determined to touch me. I held my breath not because of her scent this time, but because of the sudden, overwhelming tension. Fear. My skin would confirm any suspicion she might have of me being cold and hard. I wanted to move my hand, but I found myself frozen in place as if my body was acting against my will.

She brushed her fingertips lightly across the back of my hand. The heat of her gentle, willing touch was like nothing I'd ever felt before. It was almost pure pleasure. Would have been, except for my fear. The warmth seemed to crawl up my hand and into my arm as if she was bringing me to life. I watched her face, as she felt the cold stone of my skin, still unable to breath.

A half-smile turned up the corners of her lips.

"Thank you," she said, meeting my stare with an intense gaze of her own. "That's twice now."

Her fingers lingered on my hand as if they found it pleasant to be there.

I attempted to be casual, "Let's not try for three, agreed?"

She grimaced at that, but nodded.

I was released from whatever had been holding me. I pulled my hands out from under hers. I hid my hands under the table unwilling to risk that twice. I tried to understand. Was this a part of attraction? I wanted to ask Carlisle, but I couldn't bear to admit my failure. I had allowed a human to touch me that left no doubt of my otherness.

I checked for possible listeners. Satisfied, I thought about what to say. I internally recoiled from the idea of lying. For the first time in my life I found a desire for someone else to know _me_. I knew I was risking her deciding I was crazy. I understood the likelihood of her fleeing in terror or breaking into hysterics, but I wanted to be worthy of her trust more than the risks presented. I made my decision. I would expose this part of me. It was the gift I would give her for keeping my secret all these weeks. It would be my parting gift. I was only putting myself at risk after all.

"I followed you to Port Angeles. I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that's probably because it's you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes."

I watched her, waiting, allowing the information to sink in. I also checked that no one was in close enough proximity to hear our conversation.

She smiled. Her lips curved up at the edges, and her chocolate eyes warmed.

I'd just admitted to stalking her, and she was smiling? What ever was going on in that head of hers?

"Did you ever think that maybe my number was up that first time, with the van, and that you've been interfering with fate?"

No my dear, Bella. You have that wrong. "That wasn't your first time," I admitted, staring down at the dark maroon tablecloth, my shoulders bowed in shame. This too didn't admit my family's secret, although it came closer, but I _had_ to make sure she understood at some level the danger I am to her. "Your number was up the first time I met you."

Now run, Bella. Now that you know that on that first day I wanted nothing more than to end your life, run. I have been fighting this fate. It angers me how I had been positioned over your life like the blade of a guillotine, that I had been marked to be that blade, but I am, and you need to run from me Bella.

Bella was very quiet; her breathing had accelerated.

I finally found the courage to look up and face her, knowing I would finally see the fear I had predicted all along. And yet, her face was till calm, her eyes still only tightened with concern but open.

"You remember?" I asked softly.

Certainly she remembered. She had told no one, but it would not be an easy thing to forget.

"Yes," she answered serenely but grave. Her deep eyes were full of awareness.

She knew. She knew that I had desperately craved her death. Where were the screams? Okay, maybe she wasn't a good screamer, but why then knowing that, would she get into my vehicle full of trust. She knew that I had wanted to end her, but trusted me nonetheless. My brain was at a loss.

"Yet here you sit," pointing out the inherit contradiction.

"Yes, here I sit … because of you." Her expression altered, turned curious, as she unsubtly changed the subject. "Because somehow you knew how to find me today …?"

Hopelessly I strained for entrance into her mind. Whatever barrier prevented me was still just as strong today at it had been on the first day. I was desperate to understand. I could not understand. Usually people fled us, rightfully so, just from our presence. They didn't consciously understand the risks, yet they fled. Here she sat knowing and trusting. Those two things were inherently contradictory.

She waited curiously. Her dinner sat nearly untouched in front of her. She still might be in shock. If I was going to say more, she would need a buffer for when the shock arrived.

"You eat, I'll talk," I bargained.

She scooped another ravioli and popped it in her mouth in silent acquiescence. I checked around us. I still was good.

"It's harder than it should be–keeping track of you. Usually I can find someone very easily, once I've heard their mind before."

I watched her face carefully. Guessing was one thing, having it confirmed was another. She was motionless, her eyes wide. My teeth clenched together as I waited for her panic. Instead she blinked once, swallowed loudly, and quickly scooped another bite into her mouth.

"I was keeping tabs on Jessica," paying attention to how each word sunk in, "not carefully–like I said, only you could find trouble in Port Angeles." Only such things would plague Bella. Normal humans don't have such problems. On the other hand, she was the most abnormal human I'd ever encountered. "And at first I didn't notice when you took off on your own. Then, when I realized that you weren't with her anymore, I went looking for you at the bookstore I saw in her head. I could tell that you hadn't gone in and that you'd gone south …" Bugger. That was using my non-telepathic skills. Knowing her she'd catch that slip. Why was it so difficult to keep things from her? It was like it spilled out involuntarily.

"And I knew you would have to turn around soon. So I was just waiting for you, randomly searching through the thoughts of people on the street–to see if anyone had noticed you so I would know where you were. I had no reason to be worried …" Yet I was. "But I was strangely anxious …" That feeling of panic, of the elephant on my chest returned as I remembered that moment. I took in a deep breath and my throat burned. That was good. Yes, that meant she was alive and her with me. No need to panic.

"I started to drive in circles, still …" how do I describe this? I've never had to. "… listening. The sun was finally setting" oops, I probably shouldn't have mentioned that part either. "And I was about to get out and follow you on foot. And then–"

The memory of the scum and his thoughts overtook me. I could hear him again as if my mind automatically had sought him out. The rage boiled up inside of me. How could I let such a scum live? I would have never let him go in my hunting days. As if my last human hunt was yesterday, I began to search, hunt, mentally, where he was so that I could find him and give him the slow tortuous death he deserved. My whole body clenched ready to spring at my approval.

With my eyes I saw Bella and remembered that hunting him meant leaving her. No I couldn't do that. So, instead I focused on where I was, the sounds, even the thoughts of those here closest to me until he was in the background. Then I refocused on this table, this heart beating so close to me, those hands whose finger had rubbed me, and I pushed all the other thoughts into the background once again, only focusing on what was in front of me. And I took a deep breath reminding myself of the amazing creature connected to the burn.

I was uncertain how long that look me, only that it must have been some moments because then I heard Bella whisper, "Then what?"

She wanted more? Could I tell more? I could attempt.

"I heard what they were thinking," I said with a growl I was unable to contain once again revealing my inhumanity. "I saw your face in his mind." I tried to push it out. To make sure my mind didn't call to him again. Still the memory was fresh and came instantly. I took my hand and covered my face, knowing my expression was that of a monster, a killer.

"It was very …" What word could I use to explain the level of rage and how close I came to leaving you in the car? "hard–you can't imagine how hard–for me to simply take you away, and leave them …" Could I admit this part to her? This was the truth she wanted. "alive. I could have let you go with Jessica and Angela, but I was afraid if you left me alone, I would go looking for them." I was whispering by the end unsure if she could hear me. I just hoped no one else was listening because in my attempt to keep myself here I had stopped listening to eavesdroppers.

For the second time tonight I confessed to an intended murder. At least this one was defensible. I wanted so much to look at the angel who had come here willingly with me, but I was afraid of what I would see. So, I imagined her calm, trusting face until I knew for certain that sprinting out of here and killing the scum would not be my next move.

I listened to her heart race a little more than normal, her breathing be a little shallower than normal, and I waited. I waited until they were back to her regular pacing. Only then did I risk looking out from behind my hand. Only then did I search out her eyes and find them. She looked slightly more ashen than she had before, but her face composed, her eyes were full of concern and acceptance.

Maybe she had too much truth for one night. Too many confessions of a killer. I couldn't blame her. I wasn't safe. I was a monster after all. She had asked for it, but I still felt bad that I might have caused even the slightest injury. I had given her the truth she had requested. I had said it all and more than I should. There was nothing left. I hoped that it created the false trail as I had intended. My truth had scared her. I hoped my parting gift would keep her safe from the truth.

"Are you ready to go home?" I asked fairly loudly knowing our waitress would be excited to be called over.

Bella paused as if she was choosing her words with care. "I'm ready to leave."

The waitress appeared. I would have wanted to roll my eyes at her ideas of the offerings she had in mind, but I kept myself composed. I didn't want to upset Bella any further anyway.

"We're ready for the check, thank you."

If the waitress said something, it did not register. I heard the waitress' heart race and her breathing spike. Hopefully she finally registered some fear despite my attempts to mask my rage. I looked at the waitress. Instead she looked–to use Bella's phrasing–dazzled. Oh for goodness sake!

"S-sure," she finally got out. "Here you go." I replayed how my voices sounded to myself attempting to compare it to how it normally was. Then it dawned on me. It was because of Bella. In trying so hard to be safe with her, to be less frightening, I had truly lost my edge. The other humans only saw beauty now, with my innate horror so carefully under control. Even like this, Bella saw the truth in my words. It made me even more curious about her theories.

I waited for the waitress to pull herself together. It was kind of humorous now that I knew the cause. She pulled the check out in its customary leather folder with her phone number placed inside. I put the bill inside the folder avoiding any awkwardness.

"No change." I hoped the size of the tip would assuage her disappointment.

I stood. Bella followed suit quickly. I wanted to hold her hand, to give her some form of comfort, but I decided not to push my luck. Even if she wasn't screaming, no one would want the hand of a confessed intended murderer. I thanked the waitress, eyes never leaving Bella's face. Bella seemed to be finding something amusing.

We walked out; I walked as close to her as I dared. Close enough that the warmth coming off her body was like a physical touch against the left side of my body. As I held the door for her, Bella sighed quietly, and I wondered if she had some unspoken regret that was making her sad. I stared into her eyes, about to ask, when she suddenly looked to the ground, seemingly embarrassed. It made me more curious, even as it made me more reluctant to ask. The silence between us continued while I opened the door for her–letting me be the gentleman this time–and then got into the car.

I turned the heater on–the warmer weather had come to an abrupt end. I imagined a cold car must be uncomfortable for her. She huddled in my jacket, a small smile on her lips.

I thought over our dinner together, the parts of me that I had shared, too much at two points, and her response. By the time my thoughts were more collected the lights were behind us. I began to realize that in my desperation I had offered to be in my car with her longer than I ever had. This was not the short jaunt from school to her house. While I had been lost in my thoughts I forgot to take the small breaths like I had before. Instead, I had gulped down air. The heat had taken her scent and swirled it thought the car building it and strengthening it. It grew into its own force, like a separate entity in the car. Demanding attention, demanding recognition.

It had that; I burned. Not the fog that overwhelmed my senses and threatened the monster to be released. No, not like that. Instead of being overwhelmed I was acutely aware of the intensity of the scorching burning my throat. Somehow, it seemed appropriate. Despite my confessions here she was, still willingly at my side. I owed something to the heavens for this ineligible gift. A sacrifice. A burnt offering.

If only I could keep it to that, just the burning, nothing more. Instead my mouth filled with venom, and my muscles tensed in anticipation as if I was hunting. I needed a distraction. Something to keep the monster in its cage. Curiosity had worked before. I was extremely curious what her theory was, especially as she was hesitant to speak about it openly, and if my confession had its intended effect. It seemed like the right antidote.

"Now, I said to her. "It's your turn."


	31. Chapter 31: It Doesn't Matter

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer including the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's pov. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

"Can I ask you just one more?" she pleaded.

I sighed.

My first thought was to say no. It seemed like our conversations were increasingly like this–her wanting to satisfy her curiosity without satisfying mine. She kept her secrets while cornering me into spilling mine. I knew from experience already that irritation made it harder to contain the monster around her. Would answering her questions make the situation more dangerous for her? I hated that I even had to ask myself that question, but I dared not risk a reoccurrence of that first day of Biology.

As I went to form the words to politely say no, some other part of me winced. I was leaving anyway. I calculated the cost to say yes to her. To give her one more thing as a parting gift. I considered how much control over the monster I had. It also really depended on what was the question. So far her questions had all been about my telepathic abilities and had given me no clue regarding her theory.

"One," I agreed, knowing I could always refuse to answer if it hit too close to home.

"Well …" she seemed to be deliberating. That wasn't a good sign. "You said you knew I hadn't gone into the bookstore, and that I had gone south. I was just wondering how you knew that."

I glared out the windshield. Why did I do this to myself? My weakness to want to say yes to her, to give her something, my ridiculous attraction to her, not to mention that I continuously said too much around her was doing this to me. It was like my brain and my mouth were no longer connected, and my mouth forgot the danger surrounding us. Not to mention that she seemed to always catch my slips. Shame began to fill me. The monster grew in strength and revelled in the possibility of being let out.

Once again she had asked me to reveal something I didn't want to while she revealed little. Would telling her the truth risk my family secret? The answer wasn't something she already knew. Would that get her closer to the truth? More than anything though I needed to keep the monster contained. This seemed like a moment, as much as it pained me to even think about it, that I needed to lie. I just couldn't reveal more about my nature.

"I thought we were past all the evasiveness," her tone critical and disappointed interrupting my deliberations.

Her words created a concentrated yet slightly dull pain sensation in my chest like I had never felt. On one side, her statement seemed to be an indication that she had taken my revelation well. I didn't understand how that could be true. Would anything faze her? She had already admitted to knowing that I had nearly killed her and yet had chosen to be alone with me. I formulated in my mind the words to explain through lies or to dodge the question. Every time I seemed to have it her last words became a wall stopping me.

"Fine, then. I followed your scent," I admitted grudgingly frustrated at my inability to lie.

What was this girl doing to me? How would I ever leave her if I couldn't lie? This was a major issue. For now, I would have to pay even more attention to make sure I lied from admission. I wondered if my inability to lie and my yearning to say yes to her was a result of my attraction. It seemed to be the only logical explanation. How did my cousins do it? Certainly they were attracted to humans and managed to not reveal their nature. I wished that I hadn't spent all the times we had been together attempting to block out their memories of their encounters with humans. Some of that knowledge would have been helpful. Great! Now I was wishing to have images and thoughts burned into my memory that I would never want, just to be able to handle this one human female. What was wrong with me?

Out of the corner of my eye I watched as surprise, then confusion washed over her face, and then she composed herself again. On the positive side, I learned that she was capable of having an appropriate human reaction. Additionally, I reasoned, that her reaction indicated that her newest theory wasn't close to the truth. That was a relief.

"And you didn't answer one of my first questions …" she mumbled breaking into my musings.

I looked down at her, frowning.

My best guess was that her body language indicated that she was nervous. I assumed that she was stalling. What was making her nervous?

I searched my memory trying to recall what I hadn't answered. It seemed like I'd said too much instead.

"Which one?" I asked while I continued to go over the conversation.

"How does it work–the mind reading thing? Can you read anybody's mind, anywhere? How do you do it? Can the rest of your family …?" She trailed off, flushing.

Ah, yes, those. She was right; I hadn't answered them.

"That's more than one," I responded.

Although, precisely I hadn't answered "How does it work? What are its limitations?" She had added the family one. I wanted to answer that one. It allowed me to put some distance between my capacities and my family. That was the thin line I was trying to walk anyway, right? Let her know the parts of myself that had nothing to do with my family and our secret.

She just looked at me, waiting.

I checked the strength of the monster's cage, my own willingness, and the cost of honesty. In for a penny, in for a pound.

"No, it's just me," I decided to answer. "And I can't hear anyone, anywhere. I have to be fairly close. The more familiar someone's … 'voice' is, the farther away I can hear them. But still, no more than a few miles." I was searching for an analogy, something that might help her understand, a way to explain it that was familiar. "It's a little like being in a huge hall filled with people, everyone talking at once. It's just a hum–a buzzing of voices in the background. Until I focus on one voice, and then what they're thinking is clear. Most of the time I tune it all out–it can be very distracting. And then it's easier to seem _normal…_ " Not that I could be human, but even for my kind telepathy is abnormal. I grimaced at my own abnormality even for my own kind. "… when I'm not accidently answering someone's thoughts rather than their words."

I kept watching her out of the corner of my eye. The whole time she just took it in nonchalantly. We could have been talking about the weather for all her reaction. I was not sure if that was worrisome or not. Although I was glad she wasn't screaming, and telepathy isn't terrifying, it certainly wasn't something you came across every day.

Bella, you're stuck in a car with a monster; you have nowhere to go if you want to run. And I just explained what an abnormality I am and how I struggle to appear normal. I pondered why she hadn't responded yet. Perhaps she needed time for it to sink in.

"Why do you think you can't hear me?" she asked with a squeak in her voice that I did not know what it might indicate.

Of all the things she could ask, why would this be important to her? Did I want to focus on how of what an anomaly she was to my abnormal capacity? The one exception to my gift. There seemed to be no risk of doing so at this point. Except to my ego, of course.

"I don't know," I admitted. Just one more thing that I am completely ignorant about Miss Swan. Happy now? "The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I'm only getting FM."

I considered telling her about her dad and her genetic inheritance, but thought better of it. After the words were out, I began to contemplate how she might have heard what I had said. I realized that she wasn't going to like my analogy. Her expected reaction had me smiling. She didn't disappoint.

"My mind doesn't work right?" she asked, her voice rising with chagrin. "I'm a freak?"

Ah, the irony. At least I was getting better at guessing her reactions. Now just to guess them before I opened my mouth.

"I hear voices in my head and you're worried that _you're_ the freak." I laughed lightly.

This girl had guessed correctly at something no one ever than Carlisle had, but interpreted it backward. No, Bella, you are not the freak. I am a monster that has not right to exist. No one should be able to pick up anyone's thoughts out of thin air. She was gnawing on her lip and the crease between her eyebrows was etched deep. I wished I could calm her irritation, but I didn't know how.

"Don't worry, it's just a theory …" and my theories were not the ones promised to be discussed.

A part of me wanted to avoid the whole conversation. Another part wanted to just get it over with like at lunch. It had been a relief to know how far off base she was. Judging by her insistence that we talk about it privately it seemed that she might be closer than last time. I reviewed once again the likelihood that she would guess right. It was extremely slim. Still, my reservations aside, I had my family to think of, and I needed to know for all our sakes.

"… which brings us back to you."

She sighed, still chewing her lip. I worried that she would hurt herself with her habit. She stared into my eyes, her face troubled.

"Aren't we past all the evasion now?" I asked quietly hoping that the words would work on her as well as they had on me.

I had done my part as promised dear Bella. Now it was your turn.

She looked down for the first time since we got in the car, seemingly struggling with some internal dilemma. Suddenly she stiffened and her eyes flew open wide. Fear flashed across her face for the first time tonight.

"Holy cow!" she gasped.

I panicked. What had she just pieced together? How had I frightened her? Certainly there were more frightening moments earlier tonight, like when I was consumed by rage. I quickly went through every possibility attempting to understand.

Then she shouted, "Slow down!"

Slow down? I was trying to figure out why she was afraid, why suddenly adrenaline, the very chemical that produced venom in me, was filling our confined space, calling to the monster, adding to the sweet aroma of her blood.

"What's wrong?" I asked as calmly as I could manage.

I really needed her to calm down. For her own sake. The scent continued to strengthen calling to me, calling me to let the monster out. I became unsure on how much longer I could keep it caged.

"You're going a hundred miles an hour!" she yelled at me.

She flashed a look out the window, and recoiled from the dark trees speeding by.

Actually I was going closer to a hundred and twenty miles per hour, which was slow for me, but this didn't seem like the time or place to contradict her. It was inconceivable to me how this little thing, just a bit of speed, had her shouting in fear. I rolled my eyes. Somehow this lessened the pull her aroma was having on me slightly.

"Relax, Bella," I chided her.

Really. Speed was not dangerous. Her filling the car with the scent of her lushish scrumpish blood now tinged with adrenaline was dangerous. Only I wasn't sure how to convey that without giving too much of myself away again.

"Are you trying to kill us?" she demanded, her voice high and tight, ending my contemplation on how to explain.

I found myself growing confused distracting me from the call of her blood. How could she not be afraid of me but be afraid of speed? That made no sense. I was certainly more dangerous to her.

"We're not going to crash," I promised her. Truth without explanation.

I listened as her heart slowed down and the adrenaline that had once flooded her bloodstream began to be decrease.

She sucked in a sharp breath, and then spoke in a slightly more level tone. "Why are you in such a hurry?"

Actually I wasn't. I was driving slower than I usually do to extend our time together. But that didn't seem to be a helpful tidbit to give her in this particular moment.

"I always drive like this," I replied.

Well, not exactly like this, but close enough to be truthful. I met her gaze, amused by her shocked expression.

"Keep your eyes on the road!" she shouted her anxiety returning.

Obviously my promise wasn't calming her. Her treatment of the situation and me as if I were human was almost comical. I didn't need to watch the road to be safe. I could see just fine and be looking at her. But that wasn't something I should explain. I needed another approach–a way of reassuring her without explaining–and quickly. Her anxiety wasn't doing either of us favours, but particularly her.

"I've never been in an accident, Bella–I've never even gotten a ticket." I grinned at her and touched my forehead. It was comical– the surreal nature of the moment of joking about something so secret and strange. "Built in radar detector."

I felt the thirst for her blood cool slightly. It was if her knowing me in this way actually helped keep the monster caged. That made no sense, but I was grateful.

"Very funny," she said sarcastically her voice more frightened than angry. "Charlie's a cop, remember. I was raised to abide by traffic laws. Besides, if you turn us into a Volvo pretzel around a tree trunk, you can probably just walk away."

She still didn't have to worry. I wouldn't crash, and if by some fluke I lost control of the car I would keep her safe. But, okay, maybe, she did have a point. She certainly was more fragile than I. She already knew this. Was she not concerned about me, then? Was she truly only concerned for her own safety? I wasn't sure how I felt about that possibility.

"Probably," I agreed softly, too softly for human ears I hoped, and then laughed without humour.

She had pointed out something that led to dangerous waters with no doubt in her voice. She knew that I had stopped the van from hitting her, but her present casualness created a sense of internal warning. Too late now, I reasoned. Cat was already out of that bag.

"But you can't," I stated calmly in a clear voice.

This was a truth we could both agree to. She was fragile. She wouldn't have withstood the accident with the van and she wouldn't withstand a crash in my Volvo.

With a sigh I let off the accelerator letting the car drift to a crawl. "Happy?"

She eyed the speedometer. "Almost."

I wispily wondered if there was a way to rig it so when I drove her to Seattle that she wouldn't know the speed. That would require Rosalie. I wasn't sure, despite my apology, if Rosalie and I were quite there yet. Then I remembered that we were leaving tonight. Nevermind. I suppose I could be grateful this would be the last time that I would be required to drive so slowly. The pain that I had felt prior at the thought of leaving her returned, but I pushed that aside. She had said no; it was the best thing for her.

Bella was waiting for me to slow down even more. Ugh! "I hate driving slow," I muttered, but let the needle slide another notch down.

"This is slow?" she asked.

Yes! I could get out and run fast than this, but I wasn't about to say that aloud. On top of that, we weren't here to talk about my driving.

"Enough commentary on my driving," I said impatiently.

How long had she put off keeping her end of our bargain? At this rate we'd be in Forks and she still wouldn't have told me. I really couldn't wait any longer. My irritation had fuelled the monster. I needed a distraction.

"I'm still waiting for your latest theory."

She bit her lip again, and her expression became upset, almost pained.

I reigned in my impatience and softened my voice. Her being distressed would not help coax the information out of her. This would be made so much easier if I could simply read her mind. So frustrating.

"I won't laugh," I promised, remembering her embarrassment the last time we talked about her theories, and how poorly I had kept that promise.

I wouldn't laugh this time. I sat waiting trying to figure out what might be causing her expression.

"I'm afraid that you'll be angry with me," she admitted softly.

I could see why that might cause concern for her. I had admitted that I sometimes had a problem with my temper, but couldn't she see that I wouldn't hurt her? Well, probably not. I had admitted over dinner my intention to kill her. Ah. I could see why that might cause hesitancy on her part and why she had been stalling. I needed to convey to her that I could see her concerns, but that I wouldn't hurt her. Even though my throat burned. Even though her scent was so sweet. She _would_ be safe.

I forced my voice to stay even, calm trying to evoke some reassurance. "Is it that bad?"

Then I had to wait the horrible time to takes humans to respond. I went back to monitoring her heart and lungs willing myself to be calmer, safer for her. I acknowledged the price I was paying for having her here with me with my scorching throat, but focused on how much she had displayed trust in me, how she had touched me in the restaurant.

"Pretty much, yeah," she finally responded.

I'm sure the time didn't seem that long between my question and her response to her, but to me nearly a century had passed.

She looked down refusing to meet my eyes out of fear or her not wanting to be dazzled I wasn't sure. With each second another decade went by.

I didn't know how much longer of this I could take and remain calm.

"Go ahead," I attempted to encourage her, making sure to regulate my voice appropriately.

I went back to monitoring her, finding the rhythm of her heart and lungs soothing.

"I don't know how to start," she finally admitted, her voice small.

At least she made some movement forward. Perhaps she just needed some encouragement or prompting. I contemplated what might aid her in that.

"Why don't you start at the beginning … you said you didn't come up with this on your own."

Then I went back to counting her heartbeats.

"No," she agreed without too much hesitation.

We were making progress, small but still.

I thought about the things that might have inspired her. She had already ruled out comic books. I narrowed the list down to broad categories.

"What got you started–a book? A movie?"

It would have been helpful at this point if I had rummaged through her books. She didn't seem to have many movies, but maybe she saw one over the weekend? She seemed hesitant, so I tried to consider other categories that might prompt her.

"No," finally speaking again. "It was Saturday, at the beach."

I hadn't expected that. Angela had been thinking about how Bella had asked about us Cullens. I didn't think there was much that the population of Forks High knew that could have inspired her theory. Had I missed something? I ran through all that I knew about the Cullen rumours. She looked up through her hands and certainly saw the puzzled look on my face.

"I ran into an old family friend–Jacob Black," she explained. "His dad and Charlie have been friends since I was a baby."

Jacob Black–the name was not familiar, and yet it reminded me of something … some _time_ , long ago … I stared through the windshield, flipping through memories to find the connection.

"His dad is one of the Quileute elders," she supplied softly.

My mind stopped dead. The connection was obvious now. Jacob Black. _Ephraim Black_. A descendant, no doubt.

It was a bad as it could get. The Quileute elders were the only ones who knew the truth about us. As son of an elder, he probably was pretty close, if not dead on. The likelihood that she knew the truth was staggering. I felt as if my body had suddenly turned to lead.

My mind was flying through the ramifications as the car flew around the dark curves in the road, my body was rigid with anguish–motionless except for the small automatic actions it took to steer the car. Some people had suspicions over the years, but the Quileutes were the first to know what we are and vow to keep it secret. In exchange we promised never to enter their lands. In the worst-case scenario this could mean an end to my whole family, the tribe, and the town. This was the exact risk Jasper had wanted to eliminate. The consequences could be catastrophic. One human life for the rest had strategic value.

I had an irrational desire to take her into my arms and run away with her in order to protect her from the consequences of this knowledge. How is it possible that my feelings of attraction would cause me to imagine protecting her before my family? That made no sense. I certainly didn't want her to die, but I didn't want my family to be ended either. I pushed aside these grim and confusing thoughts. I would wait to contemplate the possibility of our impending doom. I focused instead of the likelihood that Bella had known the truth or close enough since this past weekend. I forced my mind to focus on how this new information coloured our last few hours together. If she'd known on Saturday … then she'd known when she flew herself into my car with complete trust on her face …

"We went for a walk, and he was telling me some old legends–trying to scare me, I think. He told me one …"

She stopped short, but there was no need for her qualms now. The damage was already done. I had already concluded that she knew the truth. She was smart and observant. I knew what she was going to say. The mystery left was why she threw herself into my car, why she had implied yes to having dinner with me to her friends, and why she was sitting here with me now.

"Go on," I said keeping my shock and fear out of my voice.

"About vampires," she breathed. I doubt a human would have heard her.

Somehow, knowing that she knew was softer, easier than having her say it. My family rarely said what we are. We knew it, of course, but we worked so hard to blend in, to not make it obvious what we are. To have that word that signifies eternal damnation pass through her lips was blasphemous. I flinched automatically at the sound of it, and then controlled myself again.

I was definitely not going to laugh. I could keep my promise this time. I had failed to protect her from this. I was filled with so many emotions. Anger at myself, guilt, and shame were the strongest. No, there was nothing in me that had room to see humour.

"And you immediately thought of me?" I shuttered at what this meant for us all.

I needed to see how much this descendant had told her, how much damage had been done. Although, somewhere in the back of my mind had acknowledged that she knew enough to send the rule enforcers out to obliterate us all. This wasn't some tribal people believing a legend or myth told around a bonfire. I wondered if Jasper had gained some kind of six sense and knew this was coming. Did Alice? My brain momentarily began to consider how this might have resulted in Alice's vision of Bella as a newborn. I put aside that train of thought and focused on the problem at hand. The details mattered, especially Jasper. He was a pragmatist and the more information the better. Perhaps he would devise some way to salvage the situation without death. Simultaneously, another part of my brain was still calculating how this information changed my understanding of Bella's behaviour today.

"No. He," she hesitated seeming to debate about revealing the next part, "mentioned your family."

How ironic that it would be Ephraim's prodigy that would violate the treaty that he had vowed to uphold. A grandson, or great-grandson perhaps? It had been over seventy years now. That's why it had been safe for us to return. Enough years had passed that we wouldn't had been remembered by the humans, but the Quileute were different. They had passed the truth on through the generations. We weren't certain of course when we moved here, but it became fairly obvious once Carlisle started working at the hospital and the Quileute's stopped coming.

I should have realised sooner that it was not the elders who _believed_ in the old legends that posed the danger to us. Of course the younger generation–who had been warned, but would have thought the ancient superstitions laughable–of course there was where the danger of exposure would lie. I wanted to yell and scream and break something, while there was also a teeny tiny part of me that wanted to send this Jacob an anonymous gift to thank him. I was appalled at myself. Where was _that_ coming from? But now wasn't the time to figure it out.

I supposed this meant I was free to enter La Push and slaughter the small defenceless tribe on the coastline, were I so inclined. Carlisle would never approve, of course, but Ephraim and his pack of protectors were long dead … I wondered what the rest of my family would think.

"He just thought it was a silly superstition," Bella said suddenly her voice edged with a new anxiety breaking into my thoughts. "He didn't expect me to think anything about it."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her twist her hands uneasily.

It seemed to me that it was as if she had become the mind reader. How had she known that I was contemplating their deaths? Had she tried to explain so that I wouldn't follow through?

"It was my fault," she confessed after a brief pause, and then her hung her head in shame. "I forced him to tell me."

Her fault? That seemed so unlikely. I couldn't imagine her forcing anyone to do anything. She was way too fragile for that.

"Why?" I asked genuinely curious.

It wasn't so hard to keep my voice even now. The worst was done. I did need to know how great of a risk these young Quileutes posed to us. And the details were easy to talk about.

I knew the result of this conversation would upset my mother, she had such high hopes, but in a way I was glad to know that shortly Bella would be explaining why she couldn't be my friend. Yes, that made sense. She said yes to dinner to be able to explain herself because she was kind. She trusted me because I had saved her life and that overrode the knowledge she now had that was little more than myths, experience trumping as it were. At least we were both on the same page. She would understand and agree to my leaving. The question now was how to convince Jasper that we leave her alive. The law required her death and ours. Her end would be far more suitable to him. Would he be willing to upset Alice to keep Alice safe from our ruler's wrath? I couldn't be sure.

"Lauren said something about you–she was trying to provoke me." She made a little face at the memory.

This statement slightly distracted me. I wondered how Bella would be provoked by someone talking about me … Did she feel the need to defend my honour? The possibility had never crossed my mind before. Was it possible that she was attracted in the same way that I was? This was an unhelpful train of thought. I was leaving tonight. What did it matter? I pushed it aside and went back to strategies of how to minimize the damage this knowledge caused.

"And an older boy from the tribe said your family didn't come to the reservation, only it sounded like he meant something different. So I got Jacob alone and I tricked it out of him," she explained.

Her head dropped even lower as she admitted this, and her expression looked … guilty.

Of course Bella would hear that the other boy meant something different than what he said. She was very perceptive.

I looked away from her and laughed. My own laughter surprised me. Then I realized that I had broken my promise _again_. I didn't mean to laugh, and the situation wasn't funny. But I just couldn't imagine what she possibly could have done to deserve censure of any kind. This I had to know.

"Tricked him how?" I asked curiosity coating my words.

I thought of every possible answer she might give and ranked them according to probability. Thankfully this had helped quiet the monster.

"I tired to flirt–it worked better than I thought it would," she explained and her voice turned incredulous at the memory of that success.

Yes, she didn't see herself clearly, but I could. I could clearly imagine–considering the attraction she seemed to have from all things human male, even though it was totally unconscious on her part, and no doubt she would deny–how overwhelming she would be when she _tried_ to be attractive. I was suddenly full of pity for the poor unsuspecting boy that she had unleashed such a potent force on.

"I'd like to have seen that," I admitted, and then I laughed again at the black humour.

I wished I could have heard the boy's reaction, witnessed the devastation for myself. She dazzled me when she was not even trying and I am not a human male. I really would have liked to see that.

"And you accuse me of dazzling people–poor Jacob Black."

I was surprised that I wasn't angry at the source of our exposure as I expected to be. He was just a kid. He didn't know better. And how could I expect anyone to deny this girl what she wanted? How many times had I slipped up? And I had over a hundred years experience. No, I only felt sympathy for the damage she would have done to his peace of mind.

I felt her blush heat the air between us. I glanced at her. She was staring out the window. She didn't speak again. Had I offended her? I hoped not. Perhaps the weight of her actions was weighing on her. I wished that I could ask, but unfortunately her exposé wasn't over. And I needed to know the extent of the damage to my family. It seemed unlikely that the Quileute youth were really that great of a risk. I had observed that they kept to themselves and rarely intermingled with the general Forks community. The risk was slight. We knew when we moved here that there constituted some additional risk due to our history with the Quileutes. I would need to tell Carlisle.

"What did you do then?" I prompted.

Time to get back to the horror story. I really didn't know what the Quileute's legends contained. Enough to get her to her conclusion. Did she know everything about our nature? Nevertheless, simply the name of what we are would be enough for her to agree with me that it would be better if we weren't friends. The books and movies and myths all accounted for the truth of our natures–monster and killers.

"I did some research on the internet."

Practical. That's where most youth found answers to the questions they sought. Bella being practical didn't surprise me.

"And did that convince you?"

While I waited, I worked at remaining calm. I wanted the truth from her after all.

"No. Nothing fit. Most of it was kind of silly. And then …"

She broke off, and I heard her teeth lock together. Well, there was the smallest sliver of a silver lining. It seemed silly to her even despite what Jacob had told her. She had a theory, but admitted that the pieces didn't fit. It must not have been enough for compelling evidence. That would reasonably explain why she got into my car–she didn't believe it. Her belief that I was a hero made more sense to her. Her experience that I'd saved her trumped. Perhaps the myths would be enough to keep her from the wrong side of the law. Then why did she stop her explanation? What was she hiding? Once again I was lost and confused.

"What?" I demanded. I had waited long enough.

There was a short pause, and then she whispered, "I decided it didn't matter."

Shock froze my thoughts for a half-second. Then all the pieces came together like a steel frame. This wasn't conjecture anymore. I saw clearly why she had sent her friends away tonight. Why she'd gotten in the car with me again instead of running, screaming to the police after my confessions. What she meant when she said, "because of you." It all made sense from a twisted point of view. But that point of view was eschewed because I was purposefully trying to hide my dark nature from her. Surely the females' reactions this afternoon showed this. This was my fault. In trying to contain the monster I had led her here. This was too much. Maybe my siblings were right–it would have been better if I'd just let the van crush her.

"It didn't _matter_?" I said through my teeth, anger filling me.

All my attempts to do the right thing had backfired and led her here–to her conclusion that it didn't _matter._ No matter what I had put her in harms way. I could imagine nothing worse than this–she knew and she didn't care. I wanted to roar and growl and hit something. But the fire in my throat was a constant reminder of her presence. I had to remain calm enough to not hurt her.

"No," she said in a low voice that was inexplicably tender. "It doesn't matter to me what you are."

Her tone of voice stilled my anger slightly. I focused on the impossibility. She hadn't rejected the information she was given. No, much worse. She had concluded that I was a monster and it didn't _matter_. It mattered to the Quileutes, even though we have a treaty with them. It _mattered_ to them enough that they no longer send their people to where Carlisle worked on the chance they _might_ encounter him. For it not to matter at _all_ to Bella seemed diabolical somehow like superman suddenly became the villain.

"You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not _human_?" I asked incredulously unable to hide my frustration.

"No." She didn't pause or flinch.

She meant it. How was that possible? Perhaps she wasn't entirely stable. I supposed that I could arrange for her to be evaluated. Carlisle would have connections to find her the most skilled psychiatrists. Perhaps something could be done to fix whatever would ever cause her to sit contently next to me … a vampire … I shuddered at the thought … with her heart calm and steady. I would watch over her and make sure she got the best care and visit her when it was allowed …

"You're angry," she sighed. "I shouldn't have said anything."

So it was my reaction that had caused her to be hesitant. She didn't want to say anything because she guessed correctly that I would be upset. Did it ever occur to her that I might become so upset that I would lose my tenuous hold on the monster? Or that I might accidently lash out and crush her skull? If that had occurred to her, then why was she so calm? The only possible conclusion, despite it being absolutely insane, must be that she trusted me enough to be angry yet not kill her. I did not deserve that. I had not earned it. I had been absolutely right from the beginning. It would have been better if we were not friends. She had rejected the only reasonable conclusion. She was saying yes to me. The reality of that thought attempted to penetrate me at my core.

"No. I'd rather know what you're thinking–even if what you're thinking is insane," I managed to say. Of anyone on this planet, she was the one I needed to speak her thoughts out loud.

This girl made no sense before and even less now. I was not trustworthy. How could she not see that? Every other human I had encountered knew that I was untrustworthy and dangerous at some level of his or her being. She knew that I craved her blood; she had admitted as much to me. Yet, she trusted me. With her _life_. There's trusting and then there's _trusting_. Obviously she had crossed the line. I went back to determining how to get her seen by a psychiatrist.

"So I'm wrong again?" she asked, a bit belligerent now.

What sweet relief. She really wasn't sure if her information was accurate. Perhaps her life didn't have to be forfeit. Perhaps her ignorance of the absolute could be overlooked. No, my mind insisted. The rulers do not forgive. She knew too much. I could not protect her from them. I had failed to keep her safe. My saving her had been for naught.

On top of that, she was missing the point! The point was not what I am, but her conclusion that it didn't matter. She had made the wrong choice. She had enough information to stay away, yet she was saying yes to me. Not yes to going to a place together, but yes to me, to what I am. I was dumbfounded and livid at how I had allowed it to come to this.

"That's not what I was referring to!" My teeth clenched together. "'It doesn't matter'!" I repeated in a scathing tone.

I focused on calming myself. Her heart and breath just reminded me of her irrational calmness; they did me no good. Instead I focused on her scent. I allowed it to burn me, to remind me of the monster inside of me wanting to let it out. It reminded me that despite the impossible odds I had beaten the monster that day and everyday since.

She gasped. "I'm right?"

Why did she care if it didn't _matter_? What did all my victories over the monster these past weeks matter if they unexpectedly brought her here? She had signed her own death warrant and ours. I had done this. She was supposed to say no. I had suffered for all those weeks to keep her safe, and here she was throwing herself into the fire.

"Does it _matter_?" I countered.

She took a deep breath.

I waited still angry. I took some deep breaths calling me back to what I could fight–the monster. Even my father had said he was proud of me for her being alive. But I had buckled and removed the glass wall that had been between us under the most human of emotions–jealousy and then attraction. I truly was a monster. I had condemned this angel and my family to death.

"Not really," she said, her voice composed. "But I _am_ curious."

Not really. It didn't really matter to her. She didn't care. She knew I was inhuman, that I was a monster, and this didn't really matter to her. Pushing aside my concerns regarding her sanity for the time being, I began to really take it in. She was saying yes to me. Not to a date, but to _me_. She knew enough to draw a conclusion, and said yes to me anyway. A feeling of being weightless as if in the clouds wanted to grab hold of me, but I resisted. That would be wrong. I was not in her best interests. She didn't know enough to make an informed decision. No, this couldn't possibly be a yes, not really, not completely. If she really had all the facts, she would have said no.

"What are you curious about?" I wondered out loud feeling defeated.

There were no secrets left, only minor details. No matter how I might want to deny the truth, she had enough to be slaughtered by the rulers of my kind, and all of my family along with her. Perhaps they would only end me and let the rest of my family survive. They weren't known for their mercy. I attempted to clear my mind.

"How old are you?" she asked clearly as if she had suddenly found her voice again.

My answer was automatic and ingrained. "Seventeen."

"And how long have you been seventeen?"

I tried not to smile at the patronizing tone. I wondered how she knew to ask that question? She hadn't been here long enough to notice that we don't change. Perhaps she asked someone? That seemed unlikely. Maybe something the Quileute boy had said? Perhaps.

"A while." Now that isn't something I had ever admitted to. I wondered too late why I had said so. Why hadn't I lied? I should have lied.

"Okay," she said, abruptly enthusiastic. She smiled up at me.

I looked back, anxious again about her mental health, and she smiled wider. I grimaced.

"Don't laugh," she warned. "But how can you come out in the daylight?"

I laughed despite her request. Her research had not netted anything unusual it seemed.

"Myth," I answered.

This should be a good list. My siblings and I have joked over the years about these things, but to speak them to a human felt enthral. I felt disconnected from my body as if I was a spectator at a coliseum watching and waiting for our inevitable death.

"Burned by the sun?"

"Myth," I watched my mouth say.

"Sleeping in coffins?"

"Myth," I uttered still disattached.

Yet, with every answer I felt a strange feeling as if I was becoming more whole, like somehow her knowing me was creating this new sensation. That made no sense. I was coming back into the present. I doubted the rulers cared about these details. Sleep had not been a part of my life for so long–not until these last few nights when I'd watched Bella dreaming … I wouldn't admit enjoying watching her sleep, but I could admit the other part.

"I can't sleep," I murmured feeling that strange becoming whole sensation again.

She was silent for a moment. Would this be the moment when she ran away screaming despite her insistence that it didn't matter? Were these truths too much for her? Too alien? The idea being fine, but the reality was not digestible?

"At all?" she finally asked too calmly.

I guessed there was no screaming yet.

"Never," I breathed.

I stared into her eyes, wide under the thick fringes of her eyelashes, and wished that I could sleep. Not for oblivion, as I had done before, not to escape boredom as I had wished many many times before, but because I wanted to _dream_. Maybe if I could dream then for those few hours I could live in a world where she and I could be together. And for those brief moments in a dreamland I could touch her without her revulsion.

She stared back at me, her expression full of wonder, and I had to look away. I did not deserve, could never deserve, what she was offering in her yes, especially since she hadn't really looked at it properly. She was simply too dazzled to see the inherent danger. Perhaps I still stood a chance to save her, to have her flee from me.

"You haven't asked me the most important question yet," I stated harshly.

She might not want to look at the reality, but she must.

My silent chest was colder and harder than before, all other feelings having left me for the inescapable truth. Even her warmth, those moments before had felt so close, was gone. The glass wall between us was restored. I should have never let it down. I should have never let such human emotions put her at such risk.

She had to be forced to understand. She would have to be made to understand the reality of what she was doing. She must be made to see that it did _matter_.

"Which one is that?" she asked surprised and unaware.

This only made my voice harder. She must be made to understand. "You aren't concerned about my diet?"

"Oh. That." She spoke in a quiet tone that I couldn't interpret.

"Yes, that. Don't you want to know if I drink blood?"

Despite all that was incorrect about my kind; that was not. Surely if she'd come across all the myths, she'd also come across that. Maybe like her repression of unpleasant things, this was something she didn't want to see. Well, I would make her see that I am dangerous whether my nature mattered to her or not. I was not good for her.

She cringed away from my question. Finally. She was understanding.

"Well, Jacob said something about that."

There was hope. I hoped that Jacob had appropriately frightened her.

"What did Jacob say?" I asked hoping to hide the harshness that wanted to seep into my tone.

Yes, what did the Quileute boy say?

"He said you don't … hunt people. He said your family wasn't supposed to be dangerous because you only hunted animals?"

I considered this. At least the boy had been honest. It didn't help my case to get Bella to say no to me, but I appreciated his honesty nonetheless.

"He said we weren't dangerous?" I replied cynically.

That seemed unlikely given our welcome.

"Not exactly," she clarified. "He said you weren't _supposed_ to be dangerous. But the Quileutes still didn't want you on their land, just in case." And stayed clear of us, but maybe she wasn't told that part.

I stared at the road, my thoughts in a hopeless snarl, my throat aching with a very familiar fiery thirst. The thirst was proof that we were dangerous. How could I get her to see that after her reassurances from Jacob? How could I get her to understand?

"So, was he right?" she asked, as calmly as if she was confirming the weather report. "About not hunting people?"

Yes and no. It was complicated and belonged in a world she didn't belong, a world of shadows and monsters.

"The Quileutes have a long memory," I decided to say.

I really couldn't explain the complications.

She nodded to herself, thinking hard.

"Don't let that make you complacent, though," I added quickly. "They're right to keep their distance from us. We are still dangerous."

Yes, this was a good tactic. Let me use something from the human world to help her see. She might not believe me, but certainly she could believe other humans that knew of our existence. This would be proof enough.

"I don't understand."

No, she didn't. She was too blinded by my acts of protection to see reality. How to make her see?

"We try," I explained. "We're usually very good at what we do. Sometimes we make mistakes. Me, for example, allowing myself to be alone with you."

There were better examples of people dead by all of us but Carlisle. I couldn't talk about my siblings or Esme like that, and I wasn't ready to tell her of my gruesome past. Her scent was still a force in the car. I was growing used to it, but there was no denying that my body still yearned toward her for the wrong reason. The venom swimming in my mouth was proof enough.

"This is a mistake?" she asked with heartbreak in her voice.

The sound of it disarmed me, retreating the venom. The glass wall instantly disintegrated. Was it possible that she was unequivocally saying yes? She wanted to be with me–despite everything–even when she knew that I wanted her blood and that mistakes happened? This possible reality seemed too unreal. I would beat back this fantasy with reality, with truth, it is what she had asked for after all. I, most likely, had been wrong about her no, about her dreaming about fictional characters. The only reasonable conclusion based on this conversation was that first night she _had_ spoken my name. Esme had asked me to give her a chance to say no, and I suppose I had my answer. Bella was saying yes, but this could not be. I could not allow it.

"A very dangerous one," I answered softly hoping that the truth would send her running.

Run, Bella, please run from me. I could feel the resolve that I had to leave her tonight dissolving, my will buckling. Alice was right. I wasn't strong enough. It had only been my wrongful assumption that she had said no to me that had given me the strength to decide to leave. Without it I didn't have the capacity within me. If I was incapable of leaving, what was I to do? The other possibilities I had considered swam in my mind.

She didn't respond for a moment. I focused on her heart and lungs again finding the calmness in their sound that I had before. I tried to figure out how to gain the strength I needed to keep her safe. Her breathing was different–it hitched in strange ways that did not sound like fear.

"Tell me more," she said suddenly, her voice distorted by anguish.

I examined her carefully. She was in pain. I had caused it. That was the only reasonable conclusion. I wanted her to say no, to walk away from me, and I to let her go. That's why I saved her from the van I reminded myself–so she could live a full and happy human life. I had never imagined that she'd know what I was and then say yes. How could I have fathomed the possibility that my rejection of her yes would cause her pain? What did that mean? But I could not consider the possibilities for right now. I had caused her to suffer after all that she had given me; I would give her what she was asking for. The details were unimportant.

"What more do you want to know?"

You already know so much that it's hurting you, Bella. Why more? My thoughts were entangled.


	32. Chapter 32: Never Say That

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

 **The reference to Nick is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 on Fanfiction. She has generously permitted me to write as if it were a part of cannon.**

* * *

"Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people," Bella said still anguished.

I wondered of all the things she could have asked, why she had chosen this. It was a question others of our kind ask. I had never imagined a human asking this question. It was if she saw my world from the rest of our kind's perspective automatically. How could that be? Did she want human blood to sustain me? Would she sit here just as calm if my eyes were red? Was she in any way aware that if my diet were like the rest of my kind that I would have been unable to resist her scent? So many questions swam through my brain. I again began to wonder if she really was human. Certainly the burn in my throat indicated yes. None of it made any sense.

I considered her request. Would the answer not be obvious to a human as kind and thoughtful as Bella? I once again attempted to understand what she was really asking. What were her true intentions? I came up with nothing helpful. I weighed the cost of honesty. Truly, this was a question that I could answer easily. I hoped my answer would ease the suffering that I had caused her. I wondered, ever briefly, why I cared that I had hurt her, but quickly pushed that aside aware that no good answer would come from me thinking about that.

I muttered the truth. "I don't _want_ to be a monster."

Before you, Bella, I was relatively resigned to my existence. Now I look at my hands, at my very body and recoil in disgust. I cannot go back to being warm and human, but I can attempt civility. Wasn't the fact that I had admitted how your scent called for me and yet how I fought the monster all these weeks evidence enough of this answer? It would have been so easy to give into the monster, as easy as the current moving downstream.

What other answer could she have imagined? Did she want me to be a monster? No, that couldn't be it. She didn't search out danger. Those scum had wanted her because she was innocent. I wondered if that was part of the attraction that she held for me.

"But animals aren't enough?" she asked before my thoughts could go any further down that rabbit hole.

How would she know to ask that question? In a brief mental search I couldn't recall one instance where anyone, even those of our kind, had thought to ask that. Of course when Carlisle brought each of us into this existence he had explained. Still … Others might, like Peter and Charlotte, assume that animal blood would weaken us, but how is enough measured? Certainly my memory could recall perfectly the way that human blood had soothed my throat in a way that animal blood never did, nevertheless even with human blood the burn came back. There really was no end to it, but I doubted that was what she meant. Before this moment I had never needed to contemplate how to explain. I searched for a way.

"I can't be sure, of course, but I'd compare it to living on tofu and soy milk; we call ourselves vegetarians, our little inside joke. It doesn't completely satiate the hunger–or rather thirst. But it keeps us strong enough to resist. Most of the time." My voice got lower; I was ashamed of the position I'd put her in, the danger that I posed to her even now. "Sometimes it's more difficult than others."

I am a monster. I will never not be a monster. I can't undo what I am. Even now, after over seven decades of this existence, I fail to meet Carlisle's standards. I am a failure. How my mouth fills with venom in your presence or how my mind instantly imagines the caress your blood would give me only reinforces this truth. Can you see, Bella, why what I am does matter? Why you should say no?

I tried to comprehend how she could sit there having this conversation, sad, but not afraid. My mind was unable to wrap itself around this conundrum and find an answer. Another thing I didn't know. Another way that I had failed.

"Is it very difficult for you now?" Bella asked with a sadness tinged in her tone that I didn't understand.

Once again I was stunned at her power of insight. I wondered if the sadness I heard was concern. Was she concerned for me? That made no sense. She should be concerned about her own safety. How could she sit there so calm and trusting? I needed to burn. I deserved to burn. I took in a deep breath of air and focused as the air acted like an acid disintegrating everything in its path. Immediately the monster imagined the solution. It was sitting right there next to me, offering itself to me willingly. I could easily drink her dry, wreck the car, and stage it in such a way that no one would ask questions. Not even the Quileutes. I took those images and put them with all the other atrocious things my mind had conjured these weeks and I could never truly forget. I sighed deeply and forced myself to focus on her question.

Of course she would ask the question I didn't want to answer. Of course I wanted to lie and deny the truth. She was not asking about a theoretical desire of her blood that happened weeks ago, but the reality of the here and now. I did not want to admit how much I wanted her blood, how much it called to me demanding that I take it. I knew I was a monster. There was no question about it, but for reasons I could not understand I did not want _her_ to know how much of a monster I was, yet as much as I tried to speak words that were untrue I was unable.

"Yes," I admitted defeated.

At least, I told myself I could take solace in the fact that she would now want to have nothing to do with me. Certainly my admission would be the thing that told her to run from me. No prey would know that its predator was so close and want to stay. Even if her body didn't have normal human responses, she was intelligent. Without a shadow of a doubt, she would understand that I was the predator and she would take back her yes. I expected her physical response: her breath held steady, her heart kept its even pattern. She was odd for a human. She did not respond as she should. I expected it, but I did not understand it. Why was she not afraid? Had what I said simply not sunken in yet?

"But you're not hungry now," she declared calmly perfectly confident of herself.

Every part of my brain stopped and then I replayed the last sentence. I didn't know what to think. Even now she continued to surprise me. I suppose it was apart of her allure. How would she know that, I pondered? How could a human possibly know that? She was right, of course. Technically, I wasn't thirst. Didn't stop the monster wanting her blood though.

She wasn't running. Why wasn't she running? Instead she was affirming her yes. She was affirming that I was safe and trustworthy. What kind of alternative dimension had I landed in? She was arguing that I was safe because she was confident that I wasn't thirsty?

"Why do you think that?" I asked spontaneity having to understand this puzzle.

I took in another deep breath and let it burn me. I brought forth the memory of Carlisle telling me he was proud of me. I brought forth Esme's look of love and her words of affirmation. I might not be deserving of Bella's trust, but I could not, I would not let Carlisle and Esme down. No matter how easy it would be to hide Bella's body and my deed on this road, and the monster was devising hundreds of scenarios, I would not. I would not let my family down. So, instead of letting the monster out I used the images of Esme and Carlisle over the last eight weeks to strengthen me.

"You're eyes," she finally explained, her tone offhandedly. "I told you I had a theory. I've noticed that people–men in particular–are crabbier when they're hungry."

I chuckled at her description. That was an understatement, but as usual she was dead right. She had mentioned the crabbiness connected to her theory in the restaurant. So, not only had she noticed that my eye colour matched my mood, but had deduced that they matched how sated I was. How was it possible that she knew so much? Was I really that obvious? I thought, despite my slips, that I had done a better job than this. I had failed in so many ways. Heaviness descended and I remembered my comment to her about her being unobservant. I had already apologised for what I said, but I now felt the need to beg forgiveness.

"You are observant, aren't you?" was as close as I managed. I began to laugh at the irony of the statement.

Oh, Bella. I owe you so many apologies. I have failed in so many ways. I began to ponder what else her quick observant mind had noticed. She already had guessed what we are, but what greater awarenesses might be hidden in her mind.

She smiled a little, the crease returning between her eyes as if she was concentrating on something.

I figured that was no good. It seemed that every time she had done that she had exposed some aspect of me. How she was able to see through me so easily baffled me. More and more this girl seemed to be my undoing. As it stood, she would be the death of us all.

"Were you hunting this weekend, with Emmett?" she asked just as my laughing dissipated.

The casual way she spoke about my diet was as fascinating as it was frustrating. Had she already put two and two together? Could she really accept so much in stride? It seemed from her question that she figured out what we were doing–certainly more than the camping that I told her. I was closer to shock that she seemed to be.

"Yes," I answered without feeling afraid of what else she might know.

I was going to leave it at that, but so much was already spoken, why not a confession? The only thing at stake was my pride that somehow I had read her wrong–that she hadn't really said no to me even though I had been certain otherwise. Nor did I want to be a coward–having her confess her feelings before I did mine. She had stated her yes while I had kept mine hidden, for her own good, but still. I wanted her in all the wrong ways.

Perhaps it was the knowledge that she had said yes. Perhaps it was the trust she gave me without question. Perhaps it was how _alive_ I felt. Perhaps it was because she had kept me from returning my murderous ways. I couldn't really say. What I knew was that a feeling of attraction, of desire, of want began spreading through me arousing me in ways that I never had been in all my existence. My mind began to wonder what she would taste like if I pressed my lips to hers or how her skin at her back right before her pants would feel to my touch. I internally groaned.

The secrets were to protect my family. This was not that. Could I confess my attraction? How much I _wanted_ her? I was raised that a man always confessed his sentiments first. But did I have the courage to do it?

"I didn't want to leave, but it was necessary. It's a bit easier to be around you when I'm not thirst," I finally decided to say.

I seemed unable to lie to her and yet unable to be fully transparent in this regard. I quickly had created tons of rationales most of which blamed Bella or my family for my cowardness, but under them all I knew. My lack of transparency was because I was a coward. The most reasonable rationale was that I didn't want to encourage Bella. I was no good for her. She would say no eventually. It wouldn't take too long before she would see that I was not in her best interests.

Can you now see, Bella, the dilemma? You have awoken some dangerous part of me I didn't think existed–attraction. That part of me wants to have your body, while the monster wants to have your blood. Both are dangerous for you. Both would result in your death.

I had failed to keep her safe from me. Could I now? She wouldn't tell others our secret. She already hadn't. If our rulers never found out that she knew … I began to contemplate how I might be able to skirt the rules to keep her safe.

Grudgingly I had to admit that I didn't have the strength yet to leave her. Her knowing my secrets only seemed to strengthen the magnetic tug towards her that I felt. Not to mention the desire for her blood hadn't lessened over these weeks. I might have kept the monster contained thus far, but there was no guarantee. Even as Bella sat in my car, so close, and so easy to partake, I resisted in part to protect my family and in part to not let them down. Even if a crash would be easy to create, the fact that Angela and Jessica knew that Bella was with me aided in my struggle over the monster. I would not be my family's weakest link. I would not cause suspicions like Jasper or Emmett had done. I would regain my place in my family. Perhaps I could used this determinism to leave Forks …

"Why didn't you want to leave?" she asked curiously distracting me from my musings.

Her question caught me off guard. I don't know why I didn't expect her to ask this. She always managed to ask the question I didn't want to answer. Only I didn't want to answer this for a different reason. This level of honesty was difficult in a very different way. Certainly I was risking no one but myself. The idea of being fully honest with Bella about my attraction to her left me feeling vulnerable in a way that I recoiled from. I was nearly indestructible. Being vulnerable, let alone to a human, didn't sit well. I took a deep breath to remind myself of the burn, the physical reminder of risk she was taking, the trust that she had in me that I didn't deserve, and then turned to meet her gaze. She was being vulnerable to me, offering me even her life. Guilt descended upon me. I chastised myself for being such a coward.

"It makes me …" what would be right word? Crazy as Emmett teased? I wasn't admitting to that … did I really want to admit this … "anxious …" close enough although seemingly inadequate for the experience … I internally cringed at being this transparent … "to be away from you. I wasn't joking when I asked you to try not to fall into the ocean or get run over last Thursday. I was distracted all weekend, worrying about you. And after what happened tonight, I'm surprised that you did make it through the whole weekend unscathed." Then I remembered the scrapes on her hands and shook my head. "Well, not totally unscathed," I amended.

I internally sighed. That wasn't awful. I certainly didn't revel in it and I didn't want to do it again anytime soon, but I was pleased at myself for admitting the power she held over me.

The whole time I had spoken I had watched her for the slightest movement that might indicate that she would be repelled by my sentiment. It never came. Instead, she seemed to take my words in stride. I listened to her musical rhythms as I watched her mind put together all the pieces of what I had just said. Then, she began to look confused.

"What?" she asked baffled.

I smiled internally keeping my features neutral. A part of me was pleased that my sentiments didn't cause a poor reaction from her. Another part of me was trembling at what this might mean. The more she accepted me, the more she took everything about me in stride, the more dangerous it was for her because the part of me that wanted to kiss and touch her was getting harder and harder to contain.

"Your hands," I reminded her as I glanced over to them.

I suppose it wasn't the worse that could have happened. And they were healed by the time that I got back, so I didn't have the concern of fresh blood flowing from her. If her scent called to me … I shuttered at the thought.

She sighed and grimaced. "I fell."

Naturally. I had, at least, got something right. I had guessed the explanation for their occurrence correctly when I had considered us friends. Were we still? It seemed that Bella's request to being friends had not been taken back, rather the opposite. I reviewed Bella and my conversation at lunch and combined it with today. The only conclusion that made all the pieces fit was that she wanted to know me and be my friend. It was a frightening and exhilarating thought. I had never had a human friend who knew me. Since Nick I had always kept humans at the distance that was safe for them. Thoughts of how to keep what Bella knew secret from our rulers swirled around me.

A niggling part of my brain wondered if she wanted more than friendship? I certainly would not seriously entertain the idea of formally asking to court her. No one as precious and good as Bella should court a monster like me. My attraction to her was just as dangerous, perhaps even more so, to my bloodlust. Where did we stand now that she had stated that what I am didn't matter? I truly didn't know what to do. My thoughts were too quick and gnarled. No matter how hard I had tried, I had put her in danger and exposed my family. Nevertheless, I was unable to contain my smile completely. I was certain she wouldn't appreciate my humour at her expense, but I had been right. It seemed like such a rare occurrence for me now.

"That's what I thought. I suppose, being you, it could have been much worse–and that possibility tormented me the entire time I was away. It was a very long three days. I really got on Emmett's nerves."

Given my behaviour these past few days with Peter and Charlotte in town, I probably hadn't won any favours. And I had worked so hard to mending bridges. As I sat here knowing that she knew the family secret, I was even more grateful that I had decided to join them for the game. I might know how our rulers would respond, but what about my family? How would they respond to not just a theoretical threat of exposure like before, but to the reality? I had no idea what to expect, except from Alice. It wouldn't surprise me if she didn't known Bella's revelation before I did. I attempted to calculate everyone's reaction. Rosalie would be livid for sure.

"Three days?" she asked bringing me out of my speculations, her voice suddenly sharp. "Didn't you just get back today?"

I was confused again. I grumbled at the fact that this seemed to be my regular state around Bella. I didn't understand the edge in her voice. There was nothing I had said that could have upset her. Was there? Me telling her that being away from her seemed much more innocuous than admitting that I had been stalking her tonight, and she took that information without blinking. I tried to comprehend what was going on and then gave up.

"No, we got back Sunday."

I waited, listening to observing her, seeing if I could determine what had caused the sharpness.

"Then why weren't any of you in school?" she demanded.

It seemed like a reasonable question. She had asked Angela a similar question. She had a curious mind. She wanted to understand. All of this made sense. But her irritation continued to confuse me. Why was she irritated? Did she not already figure out that her answer was related to her list of myths? Had she forgotten that it had been sunny? I was entirely confused.

"Well, you asked if the sun hurt me, and it doesn't. But I can't go out in the sunlight–at least, not where anyone can see," I explained hoping that would sooth whatever was bothering her.

I am a creature of shadow of darkness, Bella. I am confined. You are not confined.

As much as a part of me yearned for her friendship, to be known by someone who wasn't my family, I could easily see the horror of what I had observed while she had lay out in her yard–the shadows swallowing her. Obviously she was unable to appreciate the consequences of choosing to be my friend. I tried to see how I could be her friend and keep her from my world.

The part of me that was keeping tabs on Bella noticed that it seemed like my answer assisted in whatever had aggravated her. That made me even more confused.

"Why?" she asked as she leaned her head to one side as if she was trying to determine the answer herself.

Analogy after analogy went through my head. None seemed to capture it completely. Had I not just over these past few days looked down at my hands in revulsion?

"I'll show you sometime," was all I could manage to say.

Then the full implication of what I was promising came to me. I was an idiot. I wondered why I couldn't keep my mouth shut around her? Why did I more often than not seem to open my mouth and speak before I thought? I internally groaned irritated at myself. I pondered. Was this a promise I would end up breaking? Could I ever show her something so repugnant? In the whole scheme of things, this one last bit of trivia wasn't the most critical. That honour went to what we are. All the obstacles that would need to be overcome to keep this promise came to me. It seemed impossible. The one redeeming factor was that if we were ever to be alone on a sunny day in a place where I could show her, she would fully see my alienness and run from me. That would be something at least. Then she would be safe from me.

"You might have called me," she muttered her voice low.

Huh? My brain tried to wrap around this statement. What an odd conclusion. What did my skin have to do with calling her? The only reasonable possibility was that this random statement had to do more with her irritation from before. But then, why would calling her make a difference? I rummaged through all that I knew about humans and Bella in particular trying to put the pieces together.

Exasperated with lack of progress despite my effort I stated, "but I knew you were safe."

I couldn't be harmed, well easily anyway. Bella on the other hand. My list had grown to 94,682 different ways that Bella could die or be seriously injured. Her safety was what mattered. The only thing that could harm me was if she spoke my secret and the rulers found out. She was the one who was fragile and breakable and attracted trouble like a bee to honey.

"But _I_ didn't know where _you_ were. I–" She came to an abrupt stop and looked at her hands.

 _She_ didn't know where _I_ was? Huh? That made no sense. Why would that matter? To top it off, just as I was going to get my answer to the riddle she stopped speaking. That was horrendous. Why oh why did she have to be the one creature that in all my years that I couldn't hear her thoughts? I swore I was being tortured. I tried to find the right tone of voice to encourage her to continue.

"What?" I asked dripping the word with sweet sugar-like persuasion.

And then I had to wait. While I did so I tried to find the answer for myself.

"I didn't like it," she said shyly, the skin over her cheekbones warming. "Not seeing you. It makes me anxious, too."

I was bewildered, elated, horrified–mostly horrified. She was saying more than a simple yes to what I was. She was admitting to missing me. What was the likelihood that a human girl would miss a creature like me? I knew she was abnormal for her kind. She didn't run when she should. She had decided that she wanted to know me _after_ she knew what I was. But certainly she shouldn't _miss_ me. That made no sense.

My human's mother's voice seemed to come from somewhere inside of me telling me that this was not the proper way to behave around a lady that we were doing everything out of order. I hadn't even formally asked to court Bella and here we were expressing our sentiments to each other.

I had been counting on Bella saying no. No matter what selfish part of me hoped for her to say yes, the honourable part of me needed her no. I was so sure she would say no that I had gone along with Esme's request. Instantly the image of happiness that Esme's face would have when she would find out that Bella returned my sentiment, well this one at least, came to mind. This image seemed to make everything worse. I could not bear to see that look of happiness and then have it ripped away when Bella left. I did not want to imagine causing Esme or even Alice, who was already attached, suffering. My leaving Bella was pre-emptive, a precaution against further pain on all our parts. I would have been able to justify to myself that I had left because that was what _Bella_ wanted. I didn't have that anymore. She had _missed_ me. I was trapped.

"Ah," I groaned to myself. "This is wrong."

I ran over every wrong move I had made to bring us to this moment. I should have stayed away. It was wrong to return. My arrogance had been her undoing.

"What did I say?" she asked, quick to take the blame on herself.

I took note of the ease to which she blamed herself. I would have to be careful. It was too easy to be myself around her and I was accustomed to my family who knew me for decades. Bella couldn't possibly know what I meant. The worst part was that my outburst had caused her to believe she had done something wrong. How I wished I could wrap her in my arms and tell her that she had done nothing wrong. I attempted to imagine how could I explain my anguish. How could I help her see that despite my attraction I did not want her to be a part of this life in the shadows? I wanted what was best for her, and what was best for her was if she had said no. I was counting on her saying no.

"Don't you see, Bella? It's one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be involved. I don't want to hear that you feel that way." I don't want you to throw your life away on a miser like me. I don't deserve you. I'll never be good enough for you. I wish I could go back in time and take back all the lives I snuffed out, but I can't. I can't not be a murderer, and a murderer will never deserve an angel. "It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella–please, grasp that."

I tried to image how I was going to extradite myself from the situation, but ever scenario that my mind could conjure required putting space between us, and that caused me pain in the centre of my chest. My own being was rejecting what I knew would be best for Bella.

"No." Her lips pouted out petulantly.

No? She was unwilling to acknowledge that she was unsafe with me? She was refusing to grasp the fact that I was dangerous? She was refusing to see the danger to herself? Did she have no sense of self-preservation? To sit with me, trusting me not to kill her was one thing. To know what I am is another, but to refuse to keep herself safely away from me was … was … was ... just about the most ridiculously stupid things I could have ever imagined. How could I protect her when she refused to see danger that she was told about sitting right next to her?

At the same time, the small part of me that had been lonely all these year, relished at the idea that someone would want to be my friend despite what I was, but that was the selfish part of me, and I resisted its pull.

"I'm serious," I stated emphatically.

I was battling with myself so strongly now that the words came through my teeth as a growl. Esme's words and hope had fuelled my selfish desire to spend more time with Bella on one hand. Then there was the part of me that wanted to be honourable and saw Carlisle's warnings about how dangerous courting her would be to our family on the other. He had never acknowledged the danger it would have to her, but it was still there hidden behind all of our conversations. But all of those conversations no matter how serious seemed like a mere formality because deep down inside I never considered the possibility that she would learn my true nature, decide that it didn't _matter_ , and then refuse to keep herself from harm.

"So am I," she insisted, "I told you, it doesn't matter what you are. It's too late." Her whole demeanour was as if it was set in stone, as if nothing could change things for her.

Her words rang in my head as if I were standing in the centre of a ringing bell tower. They ricocheted and bounced like a pinball machine. I seemed incapable of holding onto the idea that she was presenting. Too late she had said. Too late? How was it too late? The world was bleakly black and white for one endless second while I watched the shadows crawl across the sunny lawn towards Bella's sleeping form in my memory. Inevitable, unstoppable. They stole the colour from her skin, and plunged her into darkness.

Too late? Alice's vision of Bella swirled in my head, Bella's bright blood red eyes stared back at me impassively. Expressionless–but there was no way she could _not_ hate me in that future. Hate me for stealing everything from her like Rosalie did Carlisle. Stealing her life and her soul. I couldn't do that. I couldn't condemn her to damnation with me. I would not allow her to lose her soul. I wouldn't allow myself to be that selfish. It couldn't possibly be too late. I would find a way.

"Never say that," I hissed before my brain had stopped my mouth .

She stared out her window, and her teeth bit against her lip again. Her hands were balled into tight fists in her lap. Her breathing hitched and broke.

The sound broke me. I could not fathom why, but I could not bear to see her in pain. Worse. I had caused her pain. I wasn't sure how exactly, but certainly as I was the only other being in the car it naturally was my fault.

"What are you thinking?" I asked attempting to make my voice soft and gentle.

More than ever I needed to know. The honourable part of me wanted to figure out how to convince her that it wasn't too late. The less honourable part of me rejoiced and wickedly wanted to know if I could now take her body or blood _or_ body and blood, anything other than remaining a gentleman.

Bella shook her head without changing her gaze. I saw something glisten, like crystal on her cheek.

My body ached in a way that I'd never felt before. Was this a response to her pain? How would it be possible for me to be aching due to her pain? My response seemed to be more than simple attraction. I pushed that thought aside and focused on figuring out how to comfort her.

"Are you crying?" I asked gently.

I had hurt her so much that I'd managed to make her _cry_. Even my failed attempts at protecting her from the darkness caused her pain. Could I do anything right by her? Her yes hit me even stronger. Was she crying due to my feeble attempts to push her back into the light? Was she resisting my attempts to save her from me? She seemed willing enough to be saved from other harm. What a complicated creature!

She scrubbed the tears away with the back of her hand.

"No," she lied, her voice breaking, despite the evidence. She obviously didn't want to admit that she was hurting.

Some long buried instinct had me reach out towards her–in that one second I felt more human than I ever had. And then I remembered that I was … not. And I lowered my hand. Was cruelty better? Force her away so that she could live a full life as a human and experience all that she deserved? I wished I had the strength to do so, but I did not. I could not. I could not bring myself to hurt her more. I tried to imagine how we could manage a friendship without her being harmed. What would happen in two years? Five? Fifteen? Twenty? Fifty?

"I'm sorry," I said, my jaw locked.

How could I ever convey the depth of my regret? Sorry you were thrust into my life. Sorry that I am causing you pain. Sorry that I cannot grow with you through the years that one day you will outgrow me. Sorry that the monster within me wants your blood. Sorry that I was so arrogant that even after I left, I returned. Sorry for all the mistakes I've made. Sorry for my never-ending selfishness. Sorry that my loneliness and your gentle spirit inspired this tragic exchange. Sorry for all the pain and heartache I have caused my family. I was most certainly a wretched creature.

I took a deep breath–appreciating the penance for my crimes and hating my body's reaction to it simultaneously–and I tried to collect myself. The grief of what an abhorrent creature I am threatened to overcome me. I didn't want for Bella to see me in that state. I hadn't been so overwhelmed with my deplorable nature since I first returned to Carlisle and Esme and confessed my sins. I needed to change the subject. I wanted something that would end her suffering and allow her to focus on something else. I couldn't bear the weight of her pain anymore.

"Tell me something," I said struggling to modulate my voice.

I took into another scorching breath allowing it to be my penance. This I could do. I could burn without relief.

"Yes?" she asked huskily, tears still in her voice.

I mentally ran through the possibilities and picked what I thought would distract her the most.

"What were you thinking tonight, just before I came around the corner? I couldn't understand your expression–you didn't look scared, you looked like you were concentrating very hard on something."

I waited, measuring her reaction, observing if my change of subject had the desired effect.

"I was trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker–you know self-defence. I was going to smash his nose into his brain." Her composure did not last to the end of her explanation. Her tone seethed with hate.

Well, at least she wasn't crying anymore. I guess that was something.

This time her words were no hyperbole, and her kittenish fury was not humorous now. I could see her frail figure–silk over glass–overshadowed by the meaty, heavy fisted human scum who would have hurt her. The fury boiled in the back of my head. Maybe this wasn't such a good topic, I thought too late.

"You were going to fight them?" I wanted to groan. Did she not see the danger in that? Certainly if she couldn't see me clearly, she could see that? "Didn't you think about running?"

Run from danger, Bella. Run from me.

"I fall down a lot when I run," she said sheepishly.

This explained why she didn't run, why she wasn't running now even though she should. This was why she stood her ground and faced the danger surrounding her. She willed herself to fight back. But she was not fighting back against me. Instead she was embracing me. Embracing that I am not human that I am a monster. I wondered why that was. Well, even if she discounted running, there are other ways to signal others that you are in danger.

"What about screaming for help?"

Then I remembered how much she disliked being helped. What a conundrum, but certainly her instincts for survival should have won over this resistance.

"I was getting to that part."

She was _getting_ to that part as if it was choice rather than instinct. I shook my head in disbelief. How had she managed all this time before coming to Forks? Her x-rays showed that she had gone through more than she let on. I wished that I could have been there to protect her. I did? I searched myself. Yes, I did. Just as I had protected her from the van and those scum. I wanted nothing bad to ever happen and to ever have happened to Bella. There was a level of powerlessness that I had never experienced. Certainly I had experienced the powerlessness to protect Esme from her past or Rosalie from hers, but the intensity of the feeling was new. Suddenly I had empathy with what it might mean to be mated to these women in my life, to be Carlisle or Emmett. Great! Bella had given me another new experience. Could attraction cause this kind of reaction? I needed to think this through and now wasn't the time. I forced myself to think about what I had just learned about Bella. She didn't run from danger and she didn't automatically scream out for help. This would make my desire to keep her safe especially difficult.

"You were right," I told her, a sour edge to my voice. "I am definitely fighting fate trying to keep you alive."

I thought about Alice's vision. It had a fate-like quality to it. Was Bella fated to become like me no matter what I did? No. I refused to believe that. Carlisle might believe that some divine hand intervened and brought him to where he is now. He might believe that all sentient creatures have free will to choose but that some things are just meant to be. How many decades had we debated this? But I had refused to agree. I chose to believe that we have no fate but that which we make for ourselves. I chose to leave Esme and Carlisle, not some divine hand. I chose to come back. Me. I had chosen to become a killer, to play God. Certainly if there was such a thing as fate I would not have been fated to murder hundreds of humans. Carlisle and I had never argued these finer points because it was too painful for the both of us, but we skirted it each knowing that it was there. The role of fate when it came to Bella was not going to be solved today either.I mentally put it into the background.

During my musings I noted that she had sighed a sad little sigh, and glanced out the window.

Was she sad about what I had just said or had my topic of choice not distracted her enough?

Then she looked back at me.

I expected some comment about her not needing help. I waited to see if I read her right this time.

"Will I see you tomorrow?" she demanded suddenly jolting me.

What did this mean? Why had she asked? Did she want to see me tomorrow? It certainly seemed like it. High school didn't matter to me, but if I didn't go my siblings would ask questions. I wasn't ready to face them. I wasn't ready to face this reality myself. I thought what I had said to Esme not long ago about standing on the precipice to hell. That was a different kind of hell–the hell of scorching throats and murderous desires. I knew Esme's words then to be true. She would bring me back from there. But this hell, this hell of an angel missing me and wanting to see me was entirely different. What had I dragged this fragile angel into? No one could save me from this, not even Esme, for it was of my own making.

"Yes–I have a paper due, too." I smiled at her. Tomorrow at school. I guess we really weren't moving after all. I was too weak and a coward. "I'll save you a seat at lunch," I added unsure about why I had done so.

Her heart fluttered; suddenly I felt warmer. I wondered what the fluttering was about and why I felt warmer.

I stopped the car in front of her father's house. She made no move to leave.

"Do you _promise_ to be there tomorrow?" she insisted unleashing upon me the full power of her gaze.

Yes. As long as I don't have the strength to leave you I am trapped. You've said yes. You are still here despite knowing I'm a monster. I know I'm not good for you. I want to keep you from becoming like me. I will find the strength to leave. I will change Alice's vision. I know I shouldn't say yes to tomorrow. I should go home and tell my family we need to leave, but I can't. I don't have the strength yet, but I will.

"I promise."

How could giving into her and allowing this masquerade to continue create such a feeling of buoyancy? Surely there was something amiss in that. I really am a wretched creature.

She nodded to herself, seemingly satisfied with my answer, and started to remove my jacket.

"You can keep it," I assured her quickly and solemnly.

I wanted to give her something. She had given me so much and all I had done was taken. It was an inconsequential thing, but it was something.

"You don't have a jacket for tomorrow," I explained.

She handed it back to me, smiling ruefully. "I don't want to have to explain to Charlie."

I watched her carefully. Did she not want to tell her father that she was alone with me? Was she more afraid of him than me? I would imagine not. The only reasonable conclusion I could come to is that she would not want to attention of her near miss nor of eating dinner with me. Even if that attention was only from her father.

I smiled at her. "Oh, right."

I hoped that I successfully hid my confusion. Her logic made no sense to me.

She hesitated, her hand on the door handle, and then stopped.

Despite everything the thought of having her unprotected, even for a few moments gnawed at me like I was coming undone. It was if her well-being had become fundamental to mine. That didn't seem to be simple attraction either. But I didn't want to think about that. Instead I focused on the incredible creature so near to me, so ephemeral.

"Bella?"

Why did you say yes? Can't you see the futility, the danger of being friends? Why don't you run from me? Why aren't you scared? Why are you so trusting? Why are you willing to know what I am and keep it secret? What were you really communicating when you said it was too late? Because it was only now that I realized that her reaction might have been because I misunderstood her. I had never misunderstood a human before Bella because I could also read their true intentions in their thoughts. Ugh!

"Yes?" she asked as she turned back to me.

Tonight was not the night for those questions. There shouldn't ever be a night for those questions. Because being friends was no better of an idea now than it was when she first was kind to me. And because a small part of me realised that I might not like her answers.

"Will you promise me something?" I asked with my sugar-sweet tone.

Turn around and walk away and never come back. Tell me that I am the monster that I know myself to be and hate me, loathe me even. Tell me that you want nothing to do with me. Tell me no so that I can leave you.

"Yes," she agreed easily, and then her eyes tightened as if she'd thought of a reason to object.

I wondered briefly if my tone impacted her response. But more than anything, even more than the flagellation I knew I deserved, I wanted her safe.

"Don't go into the woods alone," I warned her.

Try not to put yourself in unnecessary harm. I might not be worthy of you. Might not deserve you, but I will not allow any harm to come to you. I have gone through too much. I have made Esme proud of me. I cannot allow that to be undone. Can you understand?

She blinked, startled. "Why?"

I glared into the darkness. I could see perfectly well. Others who hunted would not be deterred by the darkness. It was only those who were good that the darkness threatened.

"I'm not always the most dangerous thing out there. Let's leave it at that."

Yes, I am being honest when I say that I am dangerous, and that I am most dangerous to you. Even still, there are others that would not honour my family's request not to hunt in the area. There are those human scum that thrive off of others' fear. I can try to protect you from it, but I do not want to expose it to you.

She shivered, but recovered quickly and was even smiling when she said, "Whatever you say."

I hoped her shivering meant that she heard the warning in my voice. This was serious.

Her breath touched my face, so sweet and fragrant. It was like a caress and I never wanted it to end. The honourable part of me knew that she must be tired. It was late. She must need sleep. Selfishly I wanted her to stay here with me all night just so I could gaze at what an incredible creature sat beside me. The gentleman inside of me knew that if I truly cared for her, I would put her needs first.

I sighed at the impossibilities. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I would see her much sooner than that, but she seemed to need some reassurance even after my promise. And since I was trapped I might as well give her the reassurance. It did no harm at this point.

"Tomorrow, then," she agreed as she opened the door.

It felt as if my insides were being torn out and leaving with her. I leaned after her involuntarily, wanting to hold her here, wanting to keep whatever was being torn out from leaving.

She turned, and then froze, surprised to find our faces so close together.

I, too, was overwhelmed by the proximity. Her heat rolled off of her caressing my face. I could all but feel the silk of her skin … I dared not breathe.

Her heart stuttered, and her lips fell open.

"Sleep well," I whispered, and leaned away before the cravings of my body–either the familiar thirst or the very new and strange hunger that I felt–could make me do something that might hurt her.

She sat there motionless for a moment, her eyes wide and stunned. Dazzled, I guessed.

As was I. I seemed to have lost all capacity for coherent thought.

She recovered–though her face was still a bit bemused–and fell out of the car, tripping over her feet, and having to catch the frame of the car to catch herself.

I chuckled–hopefully too quiet for her to hear.

I watched her stumble her way to up to the pool of light that surrounded the front door. Safe for the moment. And I would be back soon to make sure.

I could feel her eyes follow me as I drove away. This was exciting–the intangible feeling of watching eyes. I knew it was because it was _her_ eyes.

I drove far enough that my ears could still pick up her voice and stopped the car. I heard her dad ask how the evening was, and she give nothing away of our time together. The phone rang and the muffled voice sounded like Jessica. Even to Jessica who knew I drove her home she gave nothing away. When I heard what I assumed to be her footsteps, they were too light to be her father's, travel up the stairs. I breathed out.

I knew I needed to go home. My father would, no doubt, be home and I had promised to tell him about any interaction I had with Bella. This certainly qualified. I had no idea what to say. I was still in a daze myself. All the thoughts swirled in my head. And each line of thought brought with it sensations. Some I knew well: fear, anger, frustration, irritation, and regret. Some were more recent: jealousy, attraction, affection, desire, and relief. And some were still unknown to me; my body was responding and reacting in ways that I did not understand.

The thought that I wouldn't have to lie to her anymore, her knowing what I was felt like relief but stronger–liberating, I decided. My life up to now had never felt liberating. I had wanted this feeling, I realized, when I left Carlisle and Esme and lived on my own. Instead it had made everything worse. I had always felt the weight of obligation of responsibility. This feeling was amazing. But it was just a feeling. It was not my reality–the reality of shadows and monsters–of my existence. I hadn't been actually liberated.

I replayed the images of Bella in my head –her smile, seeing her lips pull out at the corners, the hint of a dimple that touched her pointed chin, the way her eyes warmed and melted. Also the way her fingers had felt so warm and soft on my hand tonight. I allowed these experiences to fully penetrate my body with no concern if the animal of attraction would be let loose by these desires. My body warmed and glowed internally. I observed as my body responded differently to the different moments. I thought of all the times when I wanted to touch her and I had pulled back, the crystal rolling down her cheek, her hand as we walked out of the restaurant, there right before she left my car. I imagined what she might feel like if I had placed my cold stone finger ever so gently onto her skin. I began to wonder about how I didn't want to cause her pain and how that fit.

I didn't see where my thoughts were leading until it was too late–to that devastating vulnerability–that brought up new images of her. Her lost in the shadows, pale with fear–yet her jaw tight and determined, her eyes fierce, full of concentration, her body braced to strike at the hulking forms gathered around her, nightmares in the gloom …

"Ah," I groaned as the simmering hate that I'd all but forgotten about burst again into an inferno of rage.

I was alone. Bella was, I trusted, safe inside her home; for a moment I was fiercely glad that Chief Charlie Swan–head of the local law enforcement trained and armed–was her father. That ought to give her some measure of protection, if not from my world, certainly from hers.

She was safe. I had, as promised, safely brought her home. It would be an easy thing, very quick, to avenge her. But that was not who I wanted to be for her. For her, I didn't want to be a killer. Not tonight.

But … what about the others?

Bella was safe, yes. Angela and Jessica were far enough away. Yet the scum was loose in the streets of Port Angeles. Certainly he was a human problem. To take matters into my own hands was wrong. I knew that. I had tried playing God before. It was tempting, incredibly tempting to do so again. But I had learned my lesson. I was not God and I didn't get to decide who lives or dies. At the same time, leaving him free to attack again also seemed wrong. The blond hostess from the restaurant, the waitress I never really looked at, both had irritated me in a trivial way. But that didn't mean they deserved to be in danger.

Either one of them might be somebody's Bella. I had never considered such a simple statement before. Bella was impacting me. I was thinking new thoughts. I was having new experiences. But right now I didn't want to ponder those implications.

The realization I just had decided me. I turned north, accelerating now that I had a purpose. I would go where I could be guaranteed to find help when I could not see a solution clearly.


	33. Chapter 33: Opportunity for Atonement

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

 **The reference to Nick is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction. The reference to Margaret is from Tale of Years: 1927 also by Jessica314. She has generously permitted me to write as if these stories were a part of cannon.**

* * *

Once I was in range, my family's thoughts came in clearly . The only one that mattered right now was Alice's. I had heard enough to know that Alice had told them that I had saved Bella _again_. I needed to focus on my task and I couldn't have their thoughts distract me. Despite my curiosity, I pushed everyone else's aside. I would deal with them soon enough. It would hold.

As soon as I decided to ask Alice what she had seen before I had left for Port Angeles I received a response. She must have been focused on me, as I had hoped.

 _There was a very slim chance that they would walk around Port Angeles after the sun went down and you would_ accidently _run into them. Bella would be shivering and you would offer her your coat and walk with the girls for a short while. I didn't catch particular dialogue or anything specific. It was too uncertain._ I watched the vision itself. Alice was right. There had been a very slim chance. It was incredibly grainy the silhouettes barely recognizable. I had to hand it to her. I didn't know how she had caught that one.

I pulled and stopped in front of the house rather than going around to the garage unable to contain my impatience. Alice was sitting on the porch, waiting for me.

"Carlisle's in his study."

"Thank you," I said, tousling her hair as I passed hoping that she knew all the things I appreciated right then.

 _Thank_ you _for returning my call,_ she thought sarcastically.

"Oh." I paused by the door, pulling out my phone, and flipping it open. "Sorry. I didn't even check to see who it was. I was … busy."

 _Yeah, I know. "_ I'm sorry, too. By the time I saw what was going to happen, you were on your way."

"It was close," I murmured.

 _Sorry,_ she repeated, ashamed of herself.

It was easy to be generous, knowing that Bella was safe, probably getting ready for bed. "Don't be. You can't catch everything. No one expects you to be omniscient, Alice."

"Thanks."

"I almost asked you out to dinner tonight–did you catch that before I changed my mind?"

She grinned. "No, I missed that one, too."

"What were you concentrating on, that you missed so much?"

 _Jasper's thinking about our anniversary._ She laughed. _He's trying not to make a decision on my gift, but I think I have a pretty good idea …_

"You're shameless." I could help the corners of my lips from lifting.

"Yup," she replied with a smile in her tone.

She pursed her lips, and stared up at me, a hint of accusation in her expression. _I paid better attention later. Are you going to tell them that she knows?_

I took a deep breath. It was the first Bella-scent free I'd taken since I'd gotten in my car to go to Port Angeles. I sighed. I wasn't surprised that Alice had been paying attention to that part.

"Yes. Later."

 _I won't say anything._

I looked at her accusatorily. She always told Jasper everything.

 _If we get a chance to be alone, I might, but that is unlikely at the moment._

I shrugged. I knew that would be the case anyway. To the most part, if Alice knew, Jasper knew.

 _Do me a favour and tell Rosalie when I'm not around?_

I flinched. We both knew that wouldn't be pretty. "Sure."

 _Bella took it pretty well._

"Too well."

Alice grinned at me. _Don't underestimate Bella._

I tried to block the image I didn't want to see–Alice and Bella, best of friends.

Rosalie's inner voice was getting louder, demanding attention, wanting to know what Alice and I were talking about. I concentrated on pushing it aside. I didn't have time to deal with Rosalie right now.

Although gentler, Esme's thoughts were also attempting to make themselves heard. I could tell in the tenor that she was worried. I hated letting Esme down, but I really didn't have time to deal with my family right now. Impatient I sighed heavily. I wanted to be through the next part of the evening; I wanted it over with. But I was a little worried to leave Forks …

"Alice …" I began. She saw what I was planning to ask.

 _She'll be fine tonight. I'm keeping a better watch now. She sort of needs twenty-four hour supervision, doesn't she?_

"At least."

 _You'll be with her soon enough._

The words were soothing.

"Go on–get this done," _so you can be where you want to be_.

I appreciated her discretion. She really was a good sister. I nodded. I first went and found Esme. I didn't have it in me to ignore her gentle mental nudging. She was in her office.

 _Edward, please come in s_ he stated as soon as I was close. Then I felt her working to clear her mind for my behalf. I really didn't deserve her.

"Mom, I need to take care of some things with Dad."

 _I understand. Be safe._

She stood up and wrapped me in her arms.

 _Alice said you saved her from a potential attack._

I nodded.

She backed up and looked at me accusingly but there was playfulness there that I didn't understand. _You are soaked in her scent._

"Can we talk later?"

She gazed into my eyes and searched me. _Okay, but you have some explaining to do, mister._ Her eyes twinkled.

I nodded my head. Yes, I was aware of that. I squeezed her right upper arm and hurried up to Carlisle's office.

He was waiting for me, his eyes on the door rather than the thick book on his desk.

"I heard Alice tell you where to find me," he greeted me.

I took a deep breath filling myself with his scent and all that this room entailed. I felt calmer. To see the empathy, compassion, and deep intelligence in his eyes brought me relief. It was good to be with him. Carlisle would know what to do.

"I need help."

"Anything, Edward," he promised.

"Did Alice tell you what happened to Bella?"

 _Almost happened_ , he amended.

I raised my eyebrow at him. "Either way, I've got a dilemma. You see I want … very much … to kill him." The words flew out faster and with more passion. "So much. But I know that would be wrong, because it would be vengeance, not justice. All anger, no impartiality. Still it can't be right to leave a serial rapist and killer wandering Port Angeles! I don't know the humans there, but I can't let someone else take Bella's place as his victim. Other women might suffer what she would have suffered. It's not right–"

Carlisle's wide, unexpected smile stopped the rush of my words cold.

 _She's very good for you, isn't she? So much compassion, so much control. I'm impressed._ He thought just as his smile began to appear.

I could feel everyone's thoughts in the house still at my words. She must not have mentioned that part. I wonder what she did say. I decided to ask her and opened my mind to her thoughts.

"I'm not looking for compliments, Carlisle," I replied coldly.

 _I told Carlisle that you had protected Bella from nearly been attacked in Port Angeles and you were coming home to ask for his assistance, nothing more._ Alice's tone had a hint of exasperation.

"Of course not. But I can't always help my thoughts, can I?" He smiled. "I'll take care of it. You can rest easy. No one else will be harmed."

"Thank you."

Carlisle smiled a a little more broadly.

 _You're welcome._ This time Alice's tone sounded like she was smiling. I was pleased that she knew I was thanking her.

I saw the plan in Carlisle's head. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, it did not satisfy my craving for brutality, but I could see that it was the right thing.

"I'll show you where to find him," I told Carlisle.

He grabbed his black bag. I would have preferred a more aggressive form of sedation–like a cracked skull–but I would let Carlisle do this his way.

We took my car. As soon as Carlisle entered the car he raised his eyebrow at me, but said nothing. Alice was still on the steps. She grinned and waved as we drove away. She had looked ahead for me; we would have no difficulties.

I left my headlights off so as to not attract attention. It made me smile to think how Bella would have reacted to _this_ pace.

 _Edward, I need to know where you've been going at night._

I sighed. I knew he had already guessed. There was no way to deny it.

"Bella's."

I hoped that was vague enough to be truthful, but not reveal how close to Bella I spent my nights. I paused and listened to his thoughts.

He imagined me sitting in a tree outside her house keeping a watchful eye on her. He seemed satisfied enough. And I wasn't about to dispel that image.

 _Is that safe?_ he wondered.

"Being around her scent helps make it more manageable for when I'm near her."

He considered that. _All right. I won't interfere for now, if it helps keep her safer, but Edward, son, the last time …_ he tried to stop the images of how I looked before I had rejected being vegetarian.

I scowled.

 _I'm just worried, son._

"It's not the same. I'm using the proximity to resist not increase my temptation," I nearly growled at him.

I could see how it might look similar from the outside. I had stalked Margaret as well. Great. Did that make me a serial stalker? No, I told myself. They weren't the same. But seeing it through Carlisle's eyes, I could see the parallels.

He put his hand on my shoulder. _You are not the same as you were then. It was not an accusation. I'm your maker and father and friend. It's my job to worry._ I saw him smile.

I couldn't help but match it. "I know, Dad. It's just already such a struggle."

He nodded. _It's my responsibility to help keep you on the straight and narrow. Know that I believe that you learned from that experience. I trust you to keep yourself from killing the Swan girl._

"I appreciate that."

 _I_ am _proud of you. She is having a positive influence on you._

I rolled my eyes. I didn't want to get into that again, and I really couldn't wait any longer. "I need to tell you something else."

 _Of course, son._

I took another deep breath, the scents of Bella's and Carlisle mingled together on my tongue. We were enough on our way for those in the house to no longer be able to hear us. I took another deep breath allowing the soothing scent of Carlisle and the burning scent of Bella to steady my courage and remind my of my promise to Carlisle.

 _Whatever it is, you can tell me._

"I know, Dad." I looked out the windshield not wanting to watch his reaction to what I was about to say next. "She knows about us."

He made no movements, frozen in surprise. After a few seconds he came to. _How?_

Of course this would be Carlisle's first question. His mind always searches out for all the information before he makes a judgement. It's one of the things that made him a great leader.

I exhaled. "One of the Quileute youths, Ephraim Black's descendant actually, told her their legends the other day at the beach. It was enough for her to guess what we are."

 _Yet, her scent is saturated._ His face was puzzled.

"Yes. I drove her home after I took her to eat after I rescued her."

 _Ah._ Watching his mind move information around had always fascinated me. Tonight, despite everything, was no different. _She accepted your aid even knowing what we are?_ he concluded.

"Yes. She said it didn't _matter_." I couldn't help a growl escape my lips at the last word.

"She said it didn't _matter_ ," he repeated incredulously. _Incredible._

"No!" I could feel my temper rising as it had when Bella had confessed not an hour ago where he was sitting. "This is wrong. She deserves a human life unencumbered by my presence. Look what happened to Nick."

The memory of those difficult events flashed through his mind. His tone was incredibly soft. _That was an unfortunate accident and Jasper is much more practiced in this lifestyle now. She is not Nick just like she is not Margaret._ He paused letting that sink in. _Is it not her decision, my son? She has accepted you._

I shook my head trying to dislodge these thoughts. The clarity I thought I had was gone. I felt hopelessly lost. My sense of right and wrong muddled.

There in that moment the last remnant of who I had imagined myself to be dissolved. There was nothing left. I didn't even know where I might start in order to rebuild.

So, I did the only thing that seemed prudent in the moment. I relayed to him all that I had done since entering Port Angeles including a verbatim of the verbal exchange between Bella and I. I figured if he was going to condemn me, it might as well be for everything. I felt lighter for telling him.

The whole time I spoke Carlisle simply sat watching me struggle and listened. His mind seemed to be working quicker than it usually did attempting to sort through all the information. He had many unanswered questions yet seemed overall pleased in how I had handled myself despite the circumstances. His first question surprised me.

 _Was she afraid of you at any point?_

I slumped forward as if the world had crushed me, once again an empty shell. There was nothing of my sense of self remaining except in relation to my family. I felt as if I were in the midst of a tornado. His question only made things worse. Why was this his first question? His thoughts had stilled some and he was doing his regular process of ruling certain things out and classifying the information. But I didn't understand. Where was the anger, the frustration, the disappointment?

"Only when I became angry with her about it not mattering," I explained matter-in-factly hoping my answer would propel him to reveal where his thoughts were leading.

 _She knows and is not afraid. I did not foresee that. I wonder if Esme would have been the same …_ His mind began wandering in that direction, but he forced himself to focus on our conversation. No doubt he would think about it later. _She is good for you. That's unexpected. Perhaps there is something beyond us at work here. Only …_

He pictured Bella with snow cold skin and blood red eyes, and then flinched away from the image.

Yes. _Only._ Indeed. Because Carlisle could not in good conscious destroy something so pure and lovely. I could rest assured that Carlisle, the only one capable, would never turn her. Although I loathed the image, I could be confident that it would remain just that–an image. With that thought I begin to rebuild my understanding of the world. I could at least be sure that Bella would _never_ be one of us. At some level I was aware that not changing her was as much for my own self-preservation as it was for hers, although it was certainly _much_ more for hers. Because changing her would confirm, beyond everything else, that I was a self-serving monster. And that would be too much. I don't know if I could survive. So, I took my reassurance that no one in the family would change her, and I placed it under me. This would be the first new foundational stone. It wasn't much, but it was a start.

 _You deserve happiness. You're_ owed _it._ The fierceness of Carlisle's thoughts surprised me. _Is there more than attraction?_

"Yes," I mumbled my head down in shame.

 _Love?_

"No," I answered solemnly.

 _Affection?_

The idea intrigued me. "Perhaps," I whispered.

 _No matter the nature of your sentiments she is good for you. And she is choosing your companionship while knowing what we are. Who of us can guess the intent of providence? There must be a way._

"I don't see one," I confessed full of anguish and despair again.

 _Can we trust her?_

"Yes," I said confidently. This was another stable element–something else to add to my new foundation. "I had no doubt, but I stayed near her home and listened to how she would handle conveying the night's events. She left nothing open for questioning. When I am at school tomorrow I can double-check that no new suspicions have arisen. There is more of a risk from the Quileutes."

 _Did he violate the treaty purposefully?_

"No. He thought they were just stories. He was trying to impress Bella."

Carlisle chuckled. _What are you going to do, son?_

"I don't know," my anguish and despair returning. "She deserves better than me, yet I don't have the strength to leave unless she dismisses me. The strength of the attraction is too strong."

 _Perhaps because it is new to you?_

"Perhaps. And, as you pointed out, she seems to want my company." I hung my head in shame at the impossible situation I was in.

"I don't deserve Esme," he breathed.

My head shot up and I just stared aghast.

"It is the nature of letting other into our lives that inspire us to improve, but no matter what deeds I do I will never _deserve_ what Esme gives me. You being in my life has made me better as has Rosalie and Emmett and even Alice and Jasper. I have never once regretted having you in my life. What we give to one another is a gift. We accept what is offered to us or we don't. You could never earn it, but your choice tonight shows you wanting to be worthy of it."

"But it puts her in danger," I replied anguish heavily coating my words.

Even if it was her choice and I didn't deserve it, didn't mean that it was a good idea. Certainly, as a doctor and someone sworn to protect human life this argument would trump.

 _True._ Then his thoughts took an unexpected turn. "You will keep her safe, and we will assist you if you need." _However improbable …_

My mind was awash with these last two statements. He hadn't objected to her knowing the family secret, her acceptance of me, or to the possible consequences. That seemed so preposterous. The second–that he already included her mentally as someone to protect, someone he would ask the other members to help protect–was just as outlandish. Why? Did he see something that I didn't? Why wasn't he concerned, worried, ordering us to move? In fact his mind was focused on what he soon needed to do. It reminded me of when he was at work.

Before I could clear my mind to ask him, we were close enough to Port Angeles that the scum who almost took Bella thoughts invaded my mind. I did not linger. I took Carlisle to the dive where this scum named Lonnie was drowning his disappointments. Two of his comrades already passed out. Carlisle saw how hard it was for me to control myself with him so close–for me to hear his thoughts and see his memories, memories of Bella mixed in with less fortunate girls who no one could save, mixed with my memories of how broken Rosalie had been when Carlisle had brought her home.

 _Go, Edward,_ he told me gently. _I'll make the rest of them safe. Go be near Bella. See for yourself that she is well. We will talk more about this later. Be home before sunrise. The family must be told._

It was exactly the right thing to say. The reminder of her safety was the only thing powerful enough to pull me away from my rage. I left him in the car, nodding at his last statement, and ran back to Forks in a straight line through the sleeping forest. It took less time than the first journey with Bella. I scaled the side of her house, and slid her window out of my way. And for the first time I didn't need to go in slowly. I took one deep breath and knew I would be fine. The time I had spent with her was truly helping me resist her blood.

I sighed silently with relief. Everything was as it should be. Bella was in her bed, dreaming, her wet hair tangled like seaweed across the pillow. But, unlike most nights, she was curled into a small ball with the covers stretched taut around her shoulders. Cold, I guessed. I checked that I had closed the window behind me. Before I could settle, she shivered in her sleep, and her lips trembled.

I thought for a brief moment. Surely there must be more blankets in the house somewhere. I eased out into the hallway, my first time outside of her bedroom.

Charlie's snores were loud and even. He had images of rushing water and patient expecting.

There, at the top of the stairs, was a press. I opened it hopeful, and found what I was looking for. I selected the thickest blanket from the linen closet, and took it back into her room. I would return it exactly as I found it before she awoke, and no one would be the wiser.

Knowing this action would disturb the air around her, I held my breath while I cautiously spread the blanket over her. She didn't respond to the added weight. I reclined in the rocking chair.

While I waited anxiously for her to warm up I thought of Carlisle–where he was now and what he had said. I knew his plan would go smoothly. Alice had seen that.

Thinking of my father made me sigh deeply–Carlisle gave me too much credit. I wished I could be the Edward that he believed me to be. The Edward that his mind conjured, the one that deserved happiness might hope to be worthy of this sleeping beauty. How different things would be if I could be _that_ Edward.

I considered what he said about him not deserving Esme. I had always thought that they were a good pair, that they complimented one another, and that they deserved one another. But he wasn't describing how things looked from the outside. He was describing it from inside the looking glass.

I could see his point. I didn't deserve my family. I certainly hadn't deserved his and Esme's forgiveness. It took me a long time to fully accept what it was–a gift with no strings attached. They forgave me because they loved me. Their forgiveness and their love were both gifts. I could never earn what they gave me, but I did try to be worthy. I tried to be compassionate like Carlisle and to live up to the standards he set despite my continuous failures to do so.

I struggled to absorb what he had said regarding how I had impacted him and how he had never regretted having me in his life. Even after rebelling against him? Even after acting uncharacteristically these past weeks? How could he say that? Yet I knew he was sincere in his thought. It was if he saw me as a gift. Could that be possible? He had certainly said so with Jasper's aid aid all those years ago, but somehow it hadn't sunk in as it did now. Seeing me as a gift to him as Bella could be a gift to me made what he had attempted to convey deeper, richer, more. Nevertheless, even the mere possibility touched me. The thought that my maker and who I called father in this existence, despite all that I had put him through, counted me as a blessing in his life somehow gave me a sense of hope that I didn't have previously.

Could Carlisle be right that Bella's ability to take so much in stride was a gift? I tried viewing my evening with Bella through this lens. The most significant difference in accepting Esme's and Carlisle's gifts and Bella's gift was I wasn't concerned about killing Esme or Carlisle. They weren't risking their life to be with me. Turning her as Alice had seen and Carlisle had flinched from would most easily solve that problem, but neither he nor I were willing to take that path, so it left things as it stood. I set this aside and focused on something more critical. I needed to figure out what all the things that seemed to indicate that I was experiencing something more than attraction pointed towards.

I reviewed each time during the car ride with Bella that I had thought that there might be more than attraction. If I was honest the evidence seemed to indicate something akin to mating, but Carlisle had already ruled that out. What was left? It seemed likely that I had feelings in addition to attraction, but then I had never been attracted to anyone before. I tried to use my cousins as a baseline of comparison. I went through their thoughts about their unions with humans that I had picked up over the years. It seemed very shallow. Desire for the coupling and to be remembered fondly. Nothing more. Well, if _that_ was attraction, what was _this_? Love? No. That couldn't be. I had hardly spoken to her. You didn't love someone and _then_ court him or her. That just wasn't how it was done.

I thought over Esme's and Carlisle's courtship and then Rosalie's and Emmett's. There were certainly more similarities between what I had observed in those courtings and my thoughts than with my cousins. Did I want to court Isabella Swan? Courtship led to marriage and … Involuntarily images of Bella in a wedding dress walking down the isle to me filled my brain. As the image lingered I could feel my whole body relaxing as if what I had stumbled across the solution. Marriage I chided myself? Really? It made sense in twisted horrific kind of way. She had awoken attraction, desire within me and I wanted to express that honourably by asking for her hand in marriage and by declaring her _mine_. I was filled with the feeling of attraction that I have been experiencing but multiplied a thousand fold. I froze and then hung my head into my hands. I had uncovered the crux of the matter. I wanted to take her and possess her. This desire was in stark contrast to the gentleman I was raised to be. I really was a deplorable creature.

All that Bella would be forced to give up to make that image true ran though my brain. I could never have her do such a thing. I had to contain this want for possession. My mind involuntarily drew upon Esme's memories of her human husband. I refused to be like him or others of his ilk whose minds believed that he owned a woman as if she was property. They saw what they liked and took it to be theirs. I would not be like them. I could not be. It would break Esme. No one could know that this was my innermost desire. I had been right. The fierceness and force of my attraction was far more dangerous than the monster. It held in it the potential to become the worst type of scum. Besides that, a vampire and a human marrying? I could only imagine Rosalie's reaction. Even Esme and Carlisle could not possibly agree to such a thing. That was like a lion and a lamb getting wed. It was preposterous!

That still didn't explain the more than attraction that I had experienced. What about Carlisle's suggestion of affection? That made more sense. I mulled it over, listing in my mind everything that I knew about her character thus far and my reactions. I appreciated what I did know about her. I decided that, yes, this was most likely affection. I was also reminded at Carlisle's comments regarding her being a gift. Perhaps he saw the strength of which her blood called to me as a gift of sorts, one that had allowed me to be stronger than I knew. It had certainly stopped making other blood appealing. The image of flowing blood in the hospital came to mind.

Perchance this was my opportunity for atonement. I only had to fight my own nature, ensure her safety, and keep her human. Carlisle had the hospital. Maybe this was my way of making some sort of amends. I might not be able to prevent her affections, but I could, as long as she continued to say yes to me, ensure that she lived a long and healthy human life. I could deny the desire to make this angel mine and refuse to allow the monster to take her blood. This combination was the exact type of penance moulded for me.

Then there was what Carlisle had said–I could never deserve what she was offering and I could only act in a way to be worthy of her. I could see no better way to be worthy than to pay the penance being offered to me until she left me as she was surely destined to do. Could I receive her gift of acceptance as Carlisle suggested? I wasn't sure. Embracing Bella's acceptance seemed even more grievous than receiving Carlisle's and Esme's gift of forgiveness. If I could accept Bella's gift and allow her into my life while resisting, would it be enough to be worthy of atonement? I wasn't sure, but I wanted it to be.

After about a half hour, Bella relaxed out of the tight ball. She slept deeper and she started to murmur. I smiled, satisfied. It was a small thing, but at least she was sleeping more comfortable tonight because of me.

"Edward," she sighed, and she smiled too. This time I didn't wonder if was a character from a book she was calling out to. She had said yes, perhaps from that first night, and I was going to honour her yes no matter how much I believed it to be wrong for her. I had lost my confidence in knowing others better than they knew themselves. More than anything my father's words _Is it not her decision to make?_ rung in my ears. It was nearly the same thing that Esme had pointed out.

If I were to be a gentleman, then I would need to respect the woman's choice, even if it wasn't what I wanted for her. And if it went against what I believed was what was best for her. I could not protect her from her choices. I reconsidered leaving, but throughout my whole being I knew that without her no to propel me, I didn't have the strength to leave. I was again reminded of all my failures, but as I looked at this sleeping angel and felt how she transformed my cold hardness into warm softness I couldn't help but be grateful. She had given me so much already and now she was giving me the opportunity to atone for my sins. I might not be able to protect her from her choices, but I _was_ going to do my best to be worthy of her. And I was going to accept her yes until she changed her mind. It was, after all, the gentlemanly thing to do.

Where did that leave us? Were we still friends? I had no good answers. Given my perspective of myself was in disarray and Bella was the cause of undoing it all, it seemed only fitting that she choose. She would choose what is comfortable to her, what she wanted. I would respect her choice. Maybe I was becoming the gentleman my mother raised me to be after all.

I returned the blanket to the press and returned home prior to Carlisle's requested time. After I had entered my room through my window, had hidden my freshly Bella-scented clothes, had showered and changed for the day, I had gone down to the living room to watch the news. Carlisle wasn't home. As soon as I was in the house Alice had asked, _Are you going to wait till Carlisle is home to spill?_

"What do you think?" I had replied.

She searched the future looking for the outcome of telling everyone now or later tonight with Carlisle. Later tonight looked far better for keeping appendages attached and the house in one piece.

"I'll tell everyone what happened in Port Angeles tonight, then."

Immediately the intensity of Rosalie's and Emmett's thoughts decreased and Esme's inner voice seemed soothed. I hadn't meant to upset them. I just wasn't looking forward to it. Rosalie particularly wasn't going to take my news well.

 _I'll take Jazz out and tell him myself._

Alice and Jasper had joined me in the living room shortly after me.

CNN broke the story first.

I was glad it hit the news before I had to leave for school. I was curious how the humans would phrase the account, and what amount of attention to would garnish. Luckily, it was a heavy news day. So it ended up earning only a few seconds, a few sentences, and one grainy picture.

"Alonzo Calderas Wallas, suspected serial rapist and murderer wanted in the states of Texas and Oklahoma, was apprehended last night in Portland, Oregon thanks to an anonymous tip. Wallace was found unconscious in an alley early this morning a few yards from a police station. Officials are unable to tell as at this time if he will be extradited to Houston or Oklahoma City to stand trial.

The picture was unclear, a mug shot, and he'd had a thick beard at the time in the photograph. Even if Bella saw it, she would probably not recognize him. I hoped she wouldn't; it would make her afraid needlessly.

"The coverage here in town will be light. It's too far away to be considered of local interest," Alice told me. "It was a good call to have Carlisle take him out of state."

I nodded at Alice's statement. Bella didn't watch much TV regardless, and I'd never seen her father watching anything besides sports channels.

I'd done what I could. This scum no longer hunted, and I was not a murderer. Not recently, anyway. I'd been right to trust Carlisle, as much as I still wished the scum had not gotten off quite so easily. I caught myself hoping he would be extradited to Texas, where the death penalty was so popular …

No. That didn't matter. I would put this behind me, and concentrate on what was most important.

I'd left Bella's room less than two hour ago. I was already aching to see her again.

"Alice, do you mind–"

She cut me off. _Rosalie will drive._ _She'll act pissed, but you know she'll enjoy the excuse to show off her car._ Alice trilled a laugh.

I grinned at her. "See you at school."

Alice sighed, and my grin became a grimace.

 _I know, I know. Not yet. I'll wait until your ready for Bella to know me. You should know, though, this isn't just me being selfish. Bella's going to like me, too._

I didn't answer her as I hurried out the door my other siblings already making internal comments about the change of plans. That was a different way of viewing the situation. Would Bella _want_ to know Alice? To have a vampire for a girlfriend?

Knowing Bella … I have to admit that idea probably wouldn't bother her in the slightest.

I frowned. Bella's idea of being safe and my idea of Bella being safe were two very separate things. Did accepting Bella's yes force me to accept her idea of being safe? I pondered what this day might bring as I drove to her house.


	34. Chapter 34: More Than He Likes Me

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.**

* * *

Honestly, I had been relieved when Alice recommended waiting for Carlisle to return from the hospital for my confession. I knew I was prolonging the inevitable, but a few more hours of reprieve was welcomed. I was grateful Alice had agreed for Rosalie to drive. Anything I could do to avoid having to be near Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett for the time being was appreciated. I would be facing them soon enough and a drive to school full of tension and irate thoughts, no matter how short, was not on the top of my list of things to do. Nevertheless, as I neared Bella's house I considered that I might be going from the frying pan into the fire.

Despite the clarity I had found as Bella slept, my thoughts were now a tangled mess as I parked my car in Bella's driveway. The human adage said that things looked different in the morning–that thing changed when you slept on them. Would that apply to Bella? Would she see me differently in the weak light of a foggy day? Would my monstrosity finally become clear with the sun's rising? Had the truth finally sunk in while she slept or brushed her hair this morning? Would she finally be afraid? I hoped for her sake that she would be. Perhaps this was when she would politely and kindly, because Bella was both those things, tell me that she couldn't be a friend with a soulless monster. I would lose the opportunity for atonement, but that would be a small price to pay for the capacity to leave and provide for her what was now fundamental to my being–her long human life.

Her dreams had been peaceful, though, last night. When she had spoken my name, she had smiled. More than once she had murmured a plea for me to stay. What might that mean in her waking world? Could I count on her unconscious mind to be a window into her conscious? Certainly early psychoanalysts would have said yes, but modern psychologists would mostly say no. That left me in that becoming all too familiar land of "I don't know". I was beginning to wonder if I knew anything at all anymore. And for the first time in my existence it didn't bother me so much.

I waited, my mind knotting itself even more tightly as I listened to the sounds of her inside the house–the fast stumbling footsteps on the stairs, the sharp rip of a foil wrapper, the contents of the refrigerator crashing against each other when the door slammed. It sounded like she was in a hurry. Was she anxious to get to school? Was she hurrying so that she could dismiss me before the bell? The possibility made me smile while my chest felt constricted.

I looked at the clock. I supposed that–taking in account the velocity of her decrepit truck must limit her to–she _was_ running a little late. Maybe she wasn't hurrying in order to have our final conversation after all. The smile left my face and the constriction that had been in my chest disappeared.

Bella rushed out of the house, her book bag slid off her shoulder, her hair coiled into a messy twist that was already coming apart on the nape of her neck. It was an incredibly sweet thing to watch–so imperfect, so human. The thick green sweater she wore was not enough to keep her thin shoulders from hunching against the cold fog though.

The long sweater was too big for her, unflattering. It masked her slender figure, turning all her delicate curves and soft lines into a shapeless jumble. I appreciated this almost as much as I wished that she had worn something more like the soft blue blouse she had worn last night … the fabric had clung to her skin in such an appealing way, cut low enough to reveal the mesmerizing way her collarbones curled away from the hollow beneath her throat. The blue had flowed like water along the subtle shape of her body …

It was better–essential–that I keep my thoughts far, far away from her shape, so I was grateful to the unbecoming sweater she wore. I couldn't afford to make mistakes, and it would be a monumental mistake to dwell on the increasing strange desires of attraction that the thoughts of her lips … her skin … her body … were shaking loose inside of me. I could feel the foreign hungers emerge and grow in strength with each passing thought. Simultaneously I knew that I could not allow myself to think of touching her, because that was impossible. It was like the monster–no solution other than control–and absolute denial.

I would break her, I reminded myself to reinforce the urgency to suppress these urges. There was no question of this. I already knew that my increased attraction was more dangerous than the monster. My revelation that it wanted to make her _mine_ only strengthened that reality. It was the behaviour of certainly the worst kind of monster–the kind that sneaks into the castle in the middle of the night and steals the virtuous princess. This was exactly why leaving was so critical, crucial really. A strange thought emerged. What does the monster do when the princess says that the monstrosity doesn't matter, when she insists on befriending the beast?

Bella turned away from the door, in such a hurry that she nearly ran right by my car without noticing it. Then she skidded to a stop, her knees locking like a startled colt's. Her bag slid further down her arm, and her eyes flew wide as they focused on the car.

I got out, checked for potential watchful eyes, moved at my natural speed, and opened the passenger door for her. I would not present the façade to her anymore than necessary. Perhaps these small things would demonstrate my alienness enough to send her running.

She looked up at me startled. To her eyes it probably had seemed as if I had materialized out of the fog. And then the surprise in her eyes changed to something else, washing away every feeling I had up until that moment and leaving only a sense of warmth. Kindness, acceptance, wonder, fascination, all swam in the melted chocolate of her eyes.

"Do you want to ride with me today?" I asked gently.

I would let her choose. I would follow Esme's and Carlisle's advice to let it be her choice. It was the only way to get to the inevitable one day when she would say no.

"Yes, thank you," she murmured, climbing into my car without hesitation.

The same combination of excitement and dread coursed through me as it had each time she had said yes. I was unworthy of every yes she had uttered; yet here she sat.

I checked the surroundings again, moved around the car, and readied myself to join her, to hear the fateful words that would send me away. She showed no sign of being shocked by my sudden reappearance. She should have. How she took me in stride confounded me.

The sense of buoyancy I felt as she sat beside me took me by surprise. I was unable to keep it at bay as I had previously. It had no precedent. It was if I suddenly lived in the clouds. The only explanation I could muster for my lack of resistance resided with my resignation that I did, in fact, have affection for Miss Swan. How affection could create such powerful reactions in me was astounding. As much as I enjoyed the love and companionship of my family, despite the various entertainments and distractions the world had to offer, I had never before experienced this. My concurrence with Carlisle that I held affection for Bella seemed truer in this moment than it had prior.

Carlisle's wisdom regarding gifts also seemed poignant. I realized with absolute certainty that I could not stop her sentiments anymore than I could stop my parents'. It seemed petulant to be upset with her for her feelings. Especially since it was my fault that I wasn't strong enough to walk away.

My jacket was folded over the headrest of her seat. I saw her eyeing it.

"I brought the jacket for you." This was my feeble attempt at an excuse for showing up uninvited this morning. It was cold. She had no jacket. Surely this as an accepted form of chivalry. "I didn't want you to get sick or something."

"I'm not quite that delicate," she said staring at my chest, as if she were hesitant to meet my eyes.

Perhaps I dazzled her too much last night? I considered coaxing or commanding her to put on the jacket, but then I remembered that I was giving her choice. Guess that meant she got to choose that too.

"Aren't you?" I muttered to myself.

My first parents and I had all died from the flu. I intellectually understood the advancements in medicine, but I couldn't help my fears that pulled on grief and loss. But now was not the time to explain these things to Bella.

She stared out the window as I accelerated toward school. I could only stand the silence for a few seconds. I was impetuously wanting to know what her thoughts were. So much had changed since the sun has last risen.

"What, no twenty questions today?" I asked teasingly, attempting to keep it light.

Last night had been so heavy. There seemed no reason to begin where we had left off. No, when she called out to me from her dreams last night she left me no doubt about her yes from that first night. Carlisle had admonished me for not accepting her choice even if I didn't agree. No, today I would continue to work to build on a new kind of Edward–one that would be worthy of Esme's and Carlisle's love and faith in me.

She smiled, seemingly glad that I'd broached the subject. "Do my questions bother you?" she asked timidly.

Yes, you ask the questions I don't want to answer, you avoid talking about yourself, and your questions have uncovered secrets that have been hidden purposefully.

"Not as much as your reactions do," I told her honestly, smiling in response to her smile because as bad as her questions were they were indicative of a curious bright observant mind. Really the issue was my seeming incapacity to keep my mouth shut or lie like a Cullen. No, the questions weren't really the problem.

Her mouth turned down. "Do I react badly?"

Badly? No. Contrary to all reason and logic? Yes. You said yes when it put you in danger. You embrace me when you should run. All your reactions are backward for your own self-preservation, but despite my sincerest attempts to the contrary here you sit.

"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly–it's unnatural."

You stand and fight rather than run. You trust a monster. You talk about hunting like it was weather. You discuss my telepathy like it's an every day occurrence. I have never met such an irritating frustrating conundrum in my existence.

"It makes me wonder what you're really thinking," I continued.

I seem to never get the answers I desire because you are my kryptonite. Yet, as I sit listening to your heartbeat and breathe I can't imagine a sweeter symphony. The more I am around you the more you pull me in and more dangerous to you I become. All my reactions have one result–the end of your life. It is a hopeless conundrum, one to which I see no solution.

"I always tell you what I'm really thinking," she commented petulantly.

No, you don't. Since you have come into my life I have had to learn from my family how to decipher micro-expressions and body language and tone of voice and a host of other things. And being a telepath I know the differences. If there is one thing I am confident about it is that what you just said is not true.

"You edit," I stated in what I hoped was a polite manner trying to hide my irritation.

I wondered for the first time if I would have found myself in this position if I were able to hear Bella's thoughts. Is it possible that the ultimate attraction for a telepath would be someone whose thoughts I couldn't hear? Seemed likely at this point. Not to mention the sweet delectable flavour of her blood. I internally groaned. I would be strong enough to become the Edward in Carlisle's mind. The atonement offered through Bella until she sent me away had already begun that process and for that for that I was grateful.

Her teeth pressed into her lips again. I wondered if this was her physical response to tension–done unconsciously.

"Not very much," she insisted.

I successfully stifled a snigger. Does she even know how much she edits, how she changes the conversation as to not to talk about herself? Does she see herself clearly at all? But I didn't want to argue this morning, so I went with a different kind of honesty.

"Enough to drive me insane."

Absolutely true, Bella. Will you be willing to edit less now? I doubted it knowing her character. She was too selfless, too considerate, too kind to be able to manage that.

"You don't want to hear it," she stated with conviction.

I considered that. I did want to hear it, even if I didn't like it. I couldn't conceive of not wanting to hear her thoughts. Yet she said it with such assuredness I had to assume that she was basing her assertion on some evidence. I had learned, amongst other things, that she was more observant than any human I had ever met. Given my attempts at being a new Edward, instead of disagreeing outright I decided to methodically review our conversations starting with last night. As I did I saw the moment when I had asked her not to speak her thoughts. _Never say that,_ I had all but snarled at her. I had made her cry.

Could it be that she had been trying to convey her thoughts regarding me? In my single-minded focus and arrogance had I disregarded what she had really been trying to say? That what I was didn't matter to her _and_ she believed it too late for her to change her mind about me? It seemed likely and fundamentally wrong. No. That just wasn't possible. Even if she did believe that at the moment she was a modern adolescent human. Present young humans weren't as steadfast as they had been in my era. They believed things absolutely one day and then ardently disagreed with them the next. No. Even if that was her belief last night it couldn't last. No. She would run. It was only a matter of time.

I examined my own reaction. Last night I would have been aghast and distraught. She was right to keep her beliefs from me. But today was not last night. In my new way of being I would not dismiss her conviction outright. This morning, as much as I might disagree, I _was_ going to honour her choice, which also meant honouring her feelings. Carlisle's gentle reminder of her sentiments and acceptance being gifts came to mind.

The sensation of anguish and wanting to jump to the sky, joy maybe?, toyed with me creating a simultaneous crescendo. Anguish of me not being worthy, of the cost she would pay, and of the joy that she knew what I was and had said yes anyway washed through me. The experience was too intense for me to be coherent. Like a mantra I reminded myself that this was a gift. The gift of new experiences Esme had said. Was this what Esme was hoping for me? I wished I could find a way to ask her outright. But then I remembered the confession I had yet to tell. Would Esme see me differently once she knew the truth? No, if I was fully honest with myself. If killing all those humans hadn't altered her love for me, neither would this. I just hoped she wasn't too disappointed in me.

Then suddenly in my analysis I realized that Bella had most likely heard my frustration in my heat of the moment statement _Never say that_. I had unintentionally given her a message that I didn't mean and I didn't know how to rectify. After all these decades of being a telepath, I really thought I was better at communication than this. Perhaps without my gift I was terribly inadequate. Now that was a sobering thought. The silence between us made the symphony of Bella's humanness and how much I had screwed up even more poignant.

I made sure to keep all thoughts, especially my siblings, in the background as we drew nearer to school.

"Where's the rest of your family?" she asked out of the blue.

I took a deep breath. After so much time with Bella since Port Angeles the torching of my throat didn't demand as much of my attention as usual. Yet its very burning reminded me once again why Bella should have said no. On the positive side, my theory about becoming desensitized with more exposure seemed to be accurate. Maybe I hadn't lost my touch of knowing things completely.

"They took Rosalie's car," I answered and then shrugged as I parked next to it. "Ostentatious, isn't it?"

Certainly not the most ostentatious car we owned, but certainly not conspicuous. This was why we rode in the Volvo.

"Um, wow," she murmured. "If she has _that_ , why does she ride with you?"

Rosalie would have liked Bella's reaction. Bella with her good questions and keen observations.

"Like I said, it's ostentatious. We _try_ to blend in."

Can you see Bella? I try to appear human and safe, but I'm not. You know the facts, but do you really understand?

It seemed unlikely that anyone who was not one of our kind could fully grasp the world we lived in. It was not the world an angel should dwell in. But I would respect her choice, I reminded myself like a mantra.

"You don't succeed." She nearly scoffed.

Most humans seem to think we blend in just fine. She seemed unaware of her powers of observation.

She laughed and shook her head as she got out of the car. The laugh tickled me on the inside despite the fact that, once again, I didn't understand what she thought was funny.

"So why did Rosalie drive today if it's more conspicuous?"

Because Bella you turned my world upside down, dissolved all the things I thought I could count on about myself, and created the possibly of a new Edward. You said yes, and I don't have the strength to leave, so I will follow your lead until I do. You could have said no, Bella. I'm waiting for your no.

But that just seemed too heavy and I wanted this conversation to be light. I made a joke instead.

"Hadn't you noticed? I'm breaking _all_ the rules now."

She didn't laugh. Perhaps it wasn't funny to a human.

I could hear Emmett's mental teasing tone on the edge of the buzzing of thoughts. I could even imagine Jasper shaking his head. But then I only had to imagine Rosalie's response. Maybe it wasn't a good joke even though I _was_ responsible for all the rules that had been broken.

Bella didn't wait for me to open her door. I couldn't stop her. We were at school and my illusion of normalcy was critical here. She was making it exceedingly difficult to be a gentleman. I wondered if perhaps it was her subtle way of showing me that she just wanted to be friends. I had already agreed to friendship. As I drew near to her my whole body urged me forward wanting to be closer to her, wanting to hold her hand, for her finger to touch me again. No. This was the one rule I could not cross. I might not have the strength to leave, but I could keep this space between us. We were not courting. Propriety dictated that I keep my distance, which meant resisting the magnetic-like pull I felt towards her. I reminded myself of the danger my attraction posed to her and dispelled any hope of courtship that might have tried to settle within me.

Twice her hand twitched like she thought to hold my hand, but changed her mind. She too must see the impossibility of more. Obviously she wouldn't want to hold my cold hard hand, but the movement caused me to wonder if she experienced the same magnetic pull. Carlisle had asked if she was attracted to more than my lure. I hadn't known then and had told him as such. I wondered if this unconscious movement indicated that perhaps the answer was yes. I would have to pay closer attention.

"Why do you have cars like that at all? If you're looking for privacy?" she asked as we walked toward her class.

Her question was stunningly insightful again. It was an oxymoron and one not easily explained. I searched for an explanation that would fit in her world.

"An indulgence," I admitted unable to contain my smile of my Aston-Martin in the garage. "We all like to drive fast."

I thought about Carlisle and my drive in the car last night. Fast with no lights on.

"Figures," she mumbled, her tone sour.

She didn't look up to see my grin at the thought of her reaction to our drive last night. I felt fairly certain that she wouldn't have appreciated it.

 _Nuh-uh! I don't_ believe _this! How the hell did Bella pull this off? I don't get it. Why?_

Jessica's loud mental bogglings made themselves known through the normal buzz. She was waiting for Bella under the shelter of the cafeteria roof's overhang taking shelter from the rain with Bella's winter jacket over her arm. Her eyes were wide with disbelief.

Bella noticed her, too, in the next moment. A faint pink touched her cheeks when Bella registered Jessica's expression. I focused on Jessica's face making sure my facial expressions were appropriate for her spoken words. It seemed like she did look shocked and upset. Hum. Interesting.

"Hey, Jessica. Thanks for remembering," Bella greeted her.

She reached out for her jacket and Jessica handed it over wordlessly.

It seemed gentlemanly to be polite to Bella's friends, even one whose thoughts weren't kind.

"Good morning, Jessica," I offered in my non-scary polite tone.

 _Whoa …_

Jessica's eyes changed in a strange way like they got wider but lost their focus. I stifled a smirk. It was amazing and disconcerting how strong of an effect I was having. Honestly, it was embarrassing to realise how much Bella had softened me. I wondered if any female was afraid of me anymore. I had to keep this from Emmett. He would have a field day. I could just imagine the jokes for the next century …

"Er … hi," Jessica finally managed. She flashed her eyes to Bella and seemed to compose herself looking at Bella full of significance her voice full of meaning. "I guess I'll see you in Trig."

 _You are so going to spill. I'm not taking no for an answer. Details. I have to have details! Edward freaking CULLEN! Life is so unfair. The whole story. I'm not accepting anything less. Did they plan on meeting up last night? Are they dating? How long? How could she keep this a secret? Why would she_ want _to? It can't be a casual thing–she has to be seriously into him. Is there any other option? I_ will _find out. I can't stand not knowing. I wonder if she's made out with him. Oh, swoon …_

I had to work at tuning her out. She was thinking so loud it reverberated in my head, and I really wasn't interested in her jealousy. Luckily I had the trick at hand–I gave Bella my undivided attention.

Bella's mouth twitched. "Yeah, I'll see you then."

Bella seemed to be lost in watching Jessica walk away. It made me curious.

"What are you going to tell her?" I asked quietly enough so Jessica couldn't hear.

Hundreds of possibilities entered my mind. I began listing them by probability.

"Hey!" she whispered fiercely. "I thought you couldn't read my mind!"

I stared at her surprised trying to make sense of her words. My mind was reeling again attempting to keep up with her.

"I can't," I finally stated. Then it dawned on me–we must have been thinking the same thing at the same time. Hmm … a warm glowing feeling started spreading through my body. Whatever the feeling was I would analyze it later. "However, I can read hers–she'll be waiting to ambush you in class."

The answers would be interesting. I couldn't wait to hear how that conversation went, especially in light of last night's events. Perhaps I would get the answer to Carlisle's curiosity regarding Bella's sentiments. Admittingly, I was just as curious.

She groaned and slumped her shoulders towards the ground, but managed to take my jacket off and hand it to me. I was hesitant to take it. I liked it on her. Consequently I was slow to assist her into her jacket and she had her own jacket on without noticing that my hands were held out. I put them back down, placing my jacket over my arm, and frowned wishing I understood what this girl was communicating to me, then rearranged my facial expression before she looked up. I wanted us to have a pleasant conversation, so I focused on the topic on hand.

"So what are you going to tell her?" I asked curiously.

I focused on Bella paying close attention to her expressions and body language.

She looked up pleading. "A little help? What does she want to know?"

I smiled, and shook my head. I wanted to know what she was thinking without my interference. She edited her thoughts for me, and I wanted to know what I would learn from her talking to Jessica.

"That's not fair," I said in a teasing tone.

I watched as Bella's features contorted into frustration? Irritation?

"No, you not sharing what you know–now _that's_ not fair."

She started walking again and I went with her. She was right again. She didn't like double standards. I came into this existence with this advantage. It was an unfair advantage, but that didn't stop others before. Sure, Emmett teased me about it, and Rosalie resented me for it, but they all got on with things. Not Bella. Of course not Bella.

What would a friend do? What would Angela do? I reviewed what I had learned from Angela thus far. She had made sure to decrease Bella's embarrassment. Fine! I grumbled to myself. I had said I would learn how to be a better friend to Bella from Angela anyway. We were now outside Bella's first class.

"She wants to know if we're secretly dating. And she wants to know how you feel about me."

It seemed only right to leave out the jealousy and other bits. Being kind to Bella didn't mean I had to betray Jessica's inner world. _That_ would be ill-chosen.

"Yikes. What should I say?" Her face only had the slightest indication of concern.

Yes, I was right to follow Angela's example to give her these small details.

I pondered that. "Hmmm."

How did she manage to always try to have me give away more than her? I would have to find some way around that.

A wayward strand of hair slipped out from her bun. It caught my attention. I carefully, as to not to touch her since she didn't like cold things and it was already chilly out, and gently grabbed it and tucked it back into place before my brain could properly object. I remembered how she had recoiled from Mike when he had done a similar motion earlier this week. My jaw locked in place from the memory. But this was not her reaction. Instead her eyes widened, blood rushed under her skin, and her heart produced an uneven thumping.

Her response pleased me–she hasn't recoiled as I had expected–and then just as quickly I was disgusted with myself. The reality that she meant her yes sunk in just a little bit more. I tried to hide the smile that was threatening to fill my face. Why was my body insistent on betraying me? It was so easy to get lost in her. I would have to make sure I didn't do that.

"I suppose you could say yes to the first," it was her choice I chastised myself, but at least I'd caught this one in the moment, "if you don't mind–it's easier than any other explanation."

Can you see now Bella the complications and lies you will have to tell in order to be around me? I have been trying to save you from that and so much more, but since you're insistent on saying yes telling these little fibs are critical. I felt as if the darkness was already touching this angel, but I had no way to stop it. It was of her own doing. I reminded myself of my atonement and her choices.

"I don't mind," she said faintly drawing me out of my musings.

I hoped her faintness was due to her absorbing some reality, but knowing how much she didn't do what I expected, probably not. Right. She was choosing this. I was respecting her choice. She was choosing this, I told myself again. Then my mind remembered the second half of what Jessica had wanted from Bella.

"And as for her other question," I tired to contain my excitement, but was failing. "Well, I'll be listening to hear the answer to that one myself."

You know the truth, but I'm reminding you. All's fair, especially with warning.

I held back my laugh as I watched shock cross her face. It was good to know that even though she knew the truth, she hadn't considered all the ramifications. I turned quickly before she could ask me anything else. And it was her thoughts, not mine that I was curious in.

"I'll see you at lunch," I called back to her over my shoulder–an excuse to check that she was still staring after me, wide-eyes.

Her mouth hung open. She really was adorable. The bigger truths she took in with little reaction, but these smaller truths playing out in her life were different. It reassured me that even though she knew what I was and had said yes, that it would not last. The reality would become too much and she would say no. I would honour her choice now and I would honour it when she said no. It was the gentlemanly thing to do, after all.

As I walked away student's expressions and thoughts about the exchange between Bella and I whirled around me. None of them were of any concern to my family, so I paid them little mind. Nevertheless, I did make sure that my brain was set to catch if I heard any new rumours that might expose us without opening my mind up completely. I worked at appearing normal. If my behaviour would cause people to pay attention to me, then the least I could do was present the illusion of humanness well. I kept the smile on my face as it seemed appropriate, since humans didn't usually change their facial expressions quickly, until I was nearly at my own class. Right before I sat down I put on my jacket taking in Bella scent. I burned, but I hoped my hypothesis about desensitization would prove correct. It would prepare me for lunch and then Biology.

I was grateful now for my six weeks of despondency as my teachers rarely called on me. Today they would have caught me unprepared. My mind was too split. I was keeping tabs on the population in general, reviewing my conversation with Bella this morning, wondering what Bella would say to Jessica in Trig, and, of course, watching Bella. The last part had been a part of my past six weeks that I did it without any purposeful intention now.

I heard how Mike started a conversation with her and her deftness at focusing the conversation on Jessica instead. That was the part of Bella I knew I could count on–her not liking to talk about herself. Maybe the half-truths and lies wouldn't be so difficult for her. I pondered the possible ramifications if that was the case. I was so pleased to be right about at least one aspect of Bella that I smiled so widely that Rob Sawyer, who sat at the desk to my right, flinched visibly and slid deeper into his seat away from me.

 _Ugh. Creepy._

Guess I haven't lost my touch entirely. That's good to know. Perhaps it was just females? I wasn't sure how I felt about that. For the briefest of moments I wondered if that explained Carlisle and nurses. I internally giggled at the comparison. Of all the things to be like Carlisle, that one I could do without.

I was also monitoring Jessica loosely, watching as she refined her questions. I could barely wait. I was ten times more eager and anxious than the curious human girl who wanted fresh gossip.

And I was listening to Angela Weber. I was trying to find a way to thank her for her kindness, but she was being unaccommodating. She was oddly content for a teenager. She didn't really want anything materialistic, she enjoyed her family, and was a diligent student. It was very sweet, but not really helpful to me.

The bell rang. I went to my next class, but my attention was on Jessica. I had to remind myself not to become totally absorbed. My public interactions with Bella required even more diligence on my part. I couldn't let my family down on this small role I knew how to play. I had already accidently scared Rob. I needed to be careful.

 _She looks … glum. Why? Maybe there's nothing going on with Edward Cullen. That would be disappointing. Except … then he's still available … If he's suddenly interested in dating, I don't mind helping out with that …_

I wondered if Jessica's interpretation of Bella's face being glum was accurate. I could see no reason why she would be glum. Maybe I wasn't the only one bad at reading Bella's face. That cheered me up. Unless it was because she knew I'd be listening. Hmm …

 _Tell me everything!_ It was loud and demanding. I wondered about the pitch. I tried to tune into Jessica's voice with my hearing, but there was too much chatter at the school to be able to hear her as clearly as I needed. From here it sounded like a whisper in a crowded room. Even though I knew I would get more limited information, I focused on Jessica's thoughts .

 _Ugh, she's so slow. Let's get to the juicy stuff!_

 _Okay, she wants to know what I want to know. That's good. This way I can get her to spill the beans. I want to know what happened moment by moment after we left._

 _And then? C'mon, there has to be more than that! She's lying anyway; I know that. I'm going to call her on it._

I was pleased that whatever Bella said was unsatisfactory to Jessica.

 _So what if he drives like a maniac, how long were they at the restaurant exactly? Maybe I had this all wrong. Maybe they were at the restaurant longer than in the car, assuming she's not lying about that part._

 _Huh. She sounds like she's telling the truth. Why is she making me pull this out of her, word by word? I would be bragging at the top of my lungs if it were me._

I laughed out loud. Bella's evasiveness was reassuring but hilarious. I had interrupted Mr. Mason's announcements. I tried to turn the laugh into a cough, but no one bought it. He shot me an irritated look. I needed to get better control of myself. I checked that it had raised no suspicions and turned my focus back to Jessica.

 _If she didn't tell him to meet her there or vice versa, then was it even a date?_

 _What is going on? This makes no sense. She ate food with him last night and then he picked her up this morning. If that's not dating, then what? There has to be more to the story._

 _She seems like she's being honest that she was surprised last night and this morning. Does that mean he's into her and she's not even aware of it. That would be just like her! Just like Tyler. Every boy wants her, but she's always surprised. Better for me, though. Maybe I could get Edward to look my way … Focus. First I have to determine what I'm up against. If these weren't dates, then does she have one with him?_

 _Hmm. He sure is going out of his way to … well, take care of her, sort of. There_ must _be something there on his side, if not hers. How could THAT be? Bella's crazy._

 _Wow … she does have a date with Edward Cullen. Whether she likes him or not, this is major._

 _Finally … she sounds like she gets that he's into her. She must realize … Hold on. I forgot the most important question–if he kissed her. Please say yes. And then describe every detail so that at least I can live vicariously through you._

 _No? Really? Ha. Looks like she does to wish he'd kissed her._

 _Yeah, she does wish. That sucks for her._

For a half-second I was distracted by the idea, the impossibility, of what it would be like to try to kiss Bella. My lips to her lips, cold stone to warm, yielding silk.

And then she dies.

I shook my head to dislodge the image, winced, hoped Mr. Mason didn't notice, nope, I was good.

 _Did you talk to him_ at all _or did you make him drag every ounce of information out of you like this?_

I smiled ruefully. Jessica wasn't far off.

 _They talked about the English essay? Really? Who talks about an essay at a restaurant? Two goody-too-shoes._

I smiled wider, and then quickly closed my mouth. No need to scare the children in this class too.

 _Oh, c'MON. Please Bella! Give me something. You're killing me here._

The idea of Bella killing anyone in this way brought a smile back to my face. It certainly was exasperating for me, but it didn't kill me. Probably helped that I was nearly indestructible. Maybe any moment now Jessica was going to die from internal combustion. The idea was marginally amusing.

 _He didn't pay attention to the waitress even though she was pretty, older, and flirting with him? Hum. Even Mike didn't do that. He certainly didn't have only eyes for me when we went out. And that girl wasn't even pretty, although she was older than us. Hump. He must like her if he didn't notice the waitress._

Luckily for me most of the students in the school were no longer talking and my ears were better able to make out Jessica and Bella's conversation. However, as they were whispering it still was challenging to catch every word. Jessica's thoughts were by far louder and clearer.

It sounded like Jessica said, "Even better. He must like you."

And then Bella said, "I _think_ so, but it's hard to tell. He's always so cryptic."

I must not have been as transparent and out of control as I thought. That's good news. Still … observant as she was … how could she have not seen the irresistible pull I have towards her? Perhaps my expectation that she would say no to me, and then my rejection of her choice had overwhelmed everything else? Now that I was accepting her yes, what would that mean? Would she see through me even more so?

 _Wow. How do you sit there across from a male model and make conversation? About an English essay?_

 _Weird reaction. What does she think I meant? I'm not insulting her. Anyone can see, even someone as blind as Bella how intimidating he can be._

 _She might be incoherent around him, but I don't see how it would matter. He is just unbelievably gorgeous. Who needs talking, anyway?_

That was interesting that Bella had professed herself to be incoherent around me. I found her unnaturally self-composed. She must be trying to make Jessica feel better.

 _Oooh. Now we're getting somewhere._

I tried hearing them again. "Really? Like what?" It sounded like Jessica challenged.

"I can't explain it right … but he's even more unbelievable _behind_ the face," it seemed that Bella had said in reply.

That couldn't be right. I felt that uncomfortable feeling I get when Carlisle or Esme praised me beyond what I deserved. But more intense, more consuming. I must have heard her wrong. I went back to solely listening to Jessica's thoughts.

 _Sell stupid somewhere else–there's_ nothing _better than that face! Unless it is that body. Swoon._

 _Fine! Ignore me! A normal person would be gloating. Maybe if I keep the questions simple. Like I'm talking to a kindergartener. It's obvious that you like him._

 _Okay, so you do like him, but do you_ really _like him?_

 _Look at that blush. She must really be into him! I wonder how much?_

 _Too much? More than he likes her? But she doesn't know how she can help that? Oh, that girl has it good. That wasn't at all how she made it sound! She was holding back! Now that I have her cornered …_

 _Shoot! What did Mr. Varner just ask?_

I was glad for Bella's sake as much as my own that Jessica had to pay attention in class. I needed time to digest what had just been said. What on earth was that girl thinking? Bella believed that her affection towards me was _more_ than mine towards her, but she didn't know how she could help it? What was that supposed to mean?

I spent the rest of the period reviewing every conversation Bella and I had, especially yesterday trying to find a rational explanation. It seemed like I couldn't take anything for granted. Somehow obvious things, things that made perfect sense got twisted up and turned backwards in that bizarre brain of hers. More than he likes me? Really?! I had risked everything to keep her safe and she cared about me more? Maybe I shouldn't rule out the institution yet. Frustration and anger began to fill me, but school wasn't a good place for those emotions. I took in a deep breath reminding myself of the children surrounding me.

Lunch couldn't come fast enough.

The minutes of this class were going by excruciatingly slow. I waited for the bell to ring and for Jessica to start again with her questions, but Bella was quicker. As soon as the bell sounded, Bella must have said something about Mike because Jessica's thoughts were, _Mike asked about me?_ Joy made Jessica's mind suddenly unguarded, softer, without its usual snide edge.

 _What did he say? What did you answer? Details. I need details._

The way to class and the whole next period Jessica spent consumed with Mike. I could just imagine Bella's smug smile at being able to get out of talking about herself.

Emmett made his regular jokes about me having lost my marbles, but he had grown accustomed to me spending most of the period focused on listening to Bella's friends.

 _Going to sit with us, bro?_

I shook my head in the slow no way I did when I was answering a thought from my family.

 _You sure about spending lunch with the girl again?_

I shrugged very slowly so it looked like I was just trying to ease tension in my shoulders. I wasn't sure it was a good idea, but I could think of no other way to find out what she meant by her ridiculous statement. Being in my car alone with her given her scent while being irritated sounded too dangerous. No, it would be better for her if we were in a public place where I would be forced to keep myself together.

 _On your head be it._

I nodded slowly yes. I knew Emmett was partially kidding and partially warning me about Rosalie. Better that than Bella dead I reasoned. Despite my apology to Rosalie the other day and her getting to drive her convertible to school, I doubted that her animosity towards Bella had diminished any. I would worry about Rosalie tonight. That was not a conversation I was looking forward to. At least Alice would tell Jasper separately. That was something.

Luckily Bella's and my classes were close enough that I was able to stand waiting for her outside of her class.

I heard Jessica guess, "You're not sitting with us today, are you?" _She looks all lit up. Bet there's tons she didn't tell me._

"I don't _think_ so." She seemed to have uncertainty in her voice.

I had said we would. Did she not believe me? Did she think I was a liar? Okay I had lied and broken promises, but not recently. In fact I'd been very careful not to lie to Bella recently. This was insufferable.

They came out of the class together, and both girls' eyes widened when they saw me.

 _Nice. Wow. Oh, yeah, there's more going on here than she's telling me. Maybe I'll call her tonight … Or maybe I shouldn't encourage her. Huh. I hope he moved past her in a hurry. Mike is cute, but … wow._

Then she rolled her eyes and departed with, "See you later, Bella."

Bella walked toward me, pausing a step away, still unsure. Her skin was pink across her cheekbones. I realised that I might have previously incorrectly assessed her distance. I knew assuredly now that it wasn't fear motivating her hesitation. With her conversation with Jessica in hand it seemed more plausible that it was due to some gulf she imagined between her feelings and mine. More than he likes me. Absurd!

"Hello," I said, my voice a tad curt.

Her face got brighter. "Hi."

Now why did she have to do that? Act like my mere presence made her day better, when she knew I was a monster. It was like her throwing herself into my car full of trust.

She didn't seem inclined to say anything else, and I didn't want to talk here in the halls, so I walked towards the cafeteria with her silently beside me.

The jacket had worked–her scent was not the blow it usually was. It was just an intensification of the pain I already felt. It wasn't at all like other people's scent that barely registered now and I could ignore without thought. No, it was there and making itself known. But I could ignore it to a degree I would have never believed possible.


	35. Chapter 35: Clarifying Misunderstanding

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.  
**

 **The reference to Nick is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction.**

* * *

As soon as we got close to the cafeteria I heard Alice's thoughts calling out to me. _Enjoy yourself. Just a few more days to be patient. I suppose you won't say hi to Bella for me, will you?_

Were all psychics this smug? After 55 years of living together I would have thought I that I would have been more adjusted to, well, the Alice way of seeing the world. I wondered briefly if it irritated Jasper at all. Usually her smugness was about things I didn't care about, fashion trends for instance, but this was … I couldn't find words. I had an irrational desire to protect Bella from Alice and not because Alice contained the potential to kill Bella. She was very well practiced around humans and she cared for Bella in her own way. No. That wasn't it. What was it then? I certainly wanted to make sure Alice's visions didn't become reality, but that had nothing to do with Alice herself. It was there hidden in the back of my mind, but I just couldn't put my finger on it yet. We were at the cafeteria entrance when Alice looked right at me.

 _FYI, it's going to be sunny on both sides of the sound this weekend. You might want to rearrange your plans._

Smug, but definitely useful. I briefly wondered if there was more to Alice's little aids and nudges than just her wanting to be friends with Bella. I doubted I would ever find out. Alice was the best in the family in keeping things from me. I never prodded past her mental blockades, but I knew they were firmer than even Carlisle's. I tried to let go of my irritation towards Alice and focus solely on all the times that Alice had supported me or prevented things. Because no matter her methods, I knew Alice meant well and would do nothing to put the family at risk. Last night was only one of many images that came to mind.

Jasper looked at me with a curious look. He went through his mental listing of emotions that swirled inside of me, separating my regular temperament with whatever he was trying to decipher. As we caught each other's eyes his mind stopped the analysis. _Edward, you're over thinking. Just enjoy the moment._ And then he huffed like he was trying to get through to a wall. He would probably go back to figuring out whatever was puzzling him at a later point. For the first time since he entered my family that didn't annoy me. I didn't have to know. Perhaps I could even attempt to take his advice.

Emmett and Rosalie weren't in the cafeteria yet. I secretly hoped that they would not show, but that was wishful thinking. I made the effort to push everyone's thoughts, but especially my siblings' into the background. I knew that lunchtime was prime time to catch if there were any new suspicions amongst the humans. I rationalized that I had been loosely monitoring them all morning without the slightest indication for us to be concerned, not to mention that if I actively monitored the human thoughts then I would be challenged to quiet my siblings' thoughts given their proximity. I wasn't up for that, given the conversation I wanted to have with Bella. Not to mention the likelihood that, given the conversation topic and my siblings' likely inner commentary it would be exceedingly difficult for me to appear my recent propensity for uncharacteristic behaviour, I was too likely to growl or do some other inhuman behaviour. No. It was too high of a risk. So, I just pushed everyone into the background.

Bella was restless as we waited in line, toying absently with her zipper on her jacket and shifting nervously from foot to foot. She glanced at me often, but whenever she met my gaze, she would look down as if she was embarrassed. Was this because so many people were staring at us? Maybe she could hear the loud whispers–the gossip was verbal as well as mental today? She didn't like attention, but I didn't know how to protect her from it. Or maybe she realized, from my expression, that I hadn't liked something she had said?

I didn't know what food she liked–not yet–so I grabbed one of everything from the lunch line.

"What are you doing?" she hissed in a low voice. "You're not getting all that for me?"

I shook my head, and shoved the tray up to pay.

"Half is for me, of course."

Right then I caught Rosalie and Emmett coming in out of the corner of my eye. They were both probably saying something to me mentally, but I didn't want to ruin my mood, so I made sure not to make eye contact and that their inner voices stayed in the background. Emmett had looked apologetic. He probably had tried to calm Rosalie down. It didn't look like it had done much good. Even without the mental assault it was obvious that she was irate. I was glad we were in a public place. Rosalie had almost as good of a record as Carlisle. She would never do anything to reveal our secret. With that thought I let go of any animosity or defensiveness I had held against Rosalie being upset. I was the one risking us, not her.

Bella raised one eye sceptically at my statement, but said nothing as I escorted her to the table we had sat at last week before her disastrous experience with blood typing. It seemed like more than a few days ago. Everything was different now.

She sat across from me again with her back to her regular table and even further away my siblings. I pushed the tray toward her.

"Take whatever you want," I encouraged.

I tried to find the words to start the conversation I needed to have with Bella knowing that my siblings were listening. So far everything I thought of was too embarrassing or gave too much away.

Bella picked up an apple and twisted it in her hand, a speculative look on her face.

"I'm curious."

Shocking. Bella curious. Was she trying to avoid talking about her conversation with Jessica? I won't put it past her.

"What would you do if someone dared you to eat food?" she continued in a low voice that wouldn't carry to the nearby human ears.

My siblings on the other hand ... Maybe I should have taken the time to tell them before school. Even this simple statement would cue them into the fact that she was aware of one more inhuman quality. Too late now.

"You're always curious," I complained shaking my head.

I really disliked this part of our charade. It was absolutely unpleasant. I reached for the closest thing, and held her eyes while I bit off a small bite of whatever it was. Without looking, I couldn't tell. It was slimy and chunky and as repulsive as any other human food. I chewed swiftly and swallowed keeping the grimace off my face. The glob of food moved slowly and uncomfortably down my throat. I sighed as I thought of how I would have to choke it up later. Disgusting.

Bella looked shocked. Impressed.

I wanted to roll my eyes. Of course we would have perfected such deceptions.

"If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?" I asked.

I watched her carefully. It was if I could begin to see her mental processes written on her face.

Her nose wrinkled and she smiled. "I did once … one a dare. It wasn't so bad."

I tried to imagine a younger childlike Bella being dared to do such a thing.

I laughed. "I suppose I'm not surprised."

I made the mistake of moving my gaze over to where Bella usually sat. Right behind her shoulder was Jessica looking right at me.

 _They look cosy, don't they? Good body language. I'll give Bella my take later. He's leaning toward her just the way he should, if he's interested. He looks interested. He looks … perfect._ Jessica sighed. _Yum._

I met Jessica's curious eye, and she looked away nervously, giggling to the girl next to her. I would have to stop listening to Jessica's thoughts so much if I wanted her mental voice to stop intruding when I looked at her.

 _Hmmm. Probably better to stick to Mike. Reality, not fantasy …_

I wondered if Bella also thought of me as a fantasy rather than a reality. I didn't want to ponder what that might mean. I made sure to keep my eye contact on Bella and pushed back Jessica's mental voice.

Bella looked at me curiously.

"Jessica's analyzing everything I do–she'll break it down for you later," I answered in a muted tone.

I pushed the plate of food back towards her–pizza I saw–wondering how best to broach her and Jessica's conversation. My former frustration flared as the words repeated in my head: _More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that._ I tried at analyze the level of my frustration. It was enough that I was glad to be in a public setting. I knew our location would ensure that I would contain myself as long as I didn't get lost in Bella like I had at the restaurant.

She put the apple down and took a bite from the slice of pizza where my mouth had just been. Her trust amazed me. She just took it on faith that it was still safe for her to eat. Of course, she didn't know I was poisonous. We hadn't gotten to that part yet–not that sharing food _would_ hurt her. It was simply that I expected her to treat me differently. As something other–like everyone else did. She hadn't yet. That was bound to change, I reminded myself.

I found a way to start the conversation off gently.

"So the waitress was pretty, was she?" I asked making sure I sounded sceptical.

I watched her features as she took in my statement.

She raised her eyebrow incredulously. "You really didn't notice?"

After all these years Bella had been the only one to capture my attention. She obviously not only didn't see herself clearly, but she also hadn't seen the waitress clearly. She was being absurd again and I had no idea how to show her the absurdity. Nevertheless, this wasn't the moment for that conversation. I considered how to answer truthfully given our audience.

"No. I wasn't paying attention. I had a lot on my mind."

Trying to not kill that scum for starters. The way her blue blouse had hung on her frame … Good thing she'd worn that ugly sweater today.

Truthful, simple, straightforward. Perhaps I was getting better at this.

"Poor girl," Bella offered smiling.

It seemed that she liked that I hadn't given the waitress my attention. Could it be possible that she felt jealous? I could understand that feeling. How many times had I imagined plummeting Mike? Today we had possibly shared two similar reactions. I began to ponder what that might mean. I stopped my line of thinking. She could so easily distract me from what I wanted to talk about. Wasn't that Jessica's complaint? I needed to stop allowing her to distract me.

"Something you said to Jessica," I tried to keep my voice casual, but failed. "Well it bothered me."

The smile left her face. She looked like she was bracing for an onslaught. It reminded me of last night–how her reaction was to stand her ground and fight back.

This was what I wanted, wasn't it? I wanted her to protect herself against me. Right? I had managed to scare her last night and made her cry. I could feel my whole being betraying what I knew would be the right thing to do. I knew the words. I knew I could be cruel. I should be cruel. It was the right thing to do.

I was weak. I was unable to utter the words. I felt guilty. Absolute dread and a feeling of being torn apart only receded when I began to consider how I might rectify Bella's expression. I felt entirely conflicted. How could I be her friend when I knew she would eventually walk away? The sooner this ended the better for her sake? Right? Except I couldn't bear to cause her even the slightest amount of pain.

"I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers," she retorted harshly.

Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves, immediately came to mind distracting me from my musings. Her being in this defensive position wasn't going to help the conversation. As much as I knew I should push her away, I couldn't. I wanted to understand, explain, and clarify. I realized with utter clarity that everything within me but my moral reasoning _wanted_ to be her friend. That made things exceedingly dangerous. It was bad enough that I had agreed to go along with her plans of friendship, or even that I had been willing. I wanted to stop _wanting_ to be her friend, but for all my strength I seemed unable. It would be so easy to take what I wanted. There was so little stopping me. Except all the things I wanted to take were bad for Bella. I had the monster caged. I would cage this wanting just like I would cage the wanting of her body.

"I warned you I would be listening," I found myself reminding her gently as if this new part of me continued without my consent.

There seemed to be little I could do about wanting to be her friend anymore than I could do about my jealousy, attraction, or affection. The list of things out of my control regarding my own behaviour seemed ridiculous at this point. I resigned myself to this new development and decided to press the issue that had started the need for this conversation. She knew about something that no human was allowed to know. Truth came at a cost.

You said yes to me, remember? I mentally asked her despite knowing that she wouldn't hear my question.

"And I warned you that you didn't want to know everything I was thinking," she retorted.

Ah. What a sweet sensation. I was right. I hadn't been right in so long. Her statements to Jessica _were_ connected to our conversation this morning and when my words had resulted in her tears. Was she defending her yes? I could not discern the answer. It didn't seem to matter. As odd as it was for me, nothing else seemed to matter except the creature sitting across from me and setting things straight.

"You did," I replied all irritation removed. "You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you are thinking–everything. I just wish …" Truth, I reminded myself. This would only be cleared up with truth. " … that you wouldn't be thinking some things."

Because even if the selfish self-centred attraction within me wanted nothing else than to hold you, Bella, in my arms and have your lips on mine, the honourable part of me wanted what was best for you. Bella having a normal healthy long human life was now a fundamental aspect of my being. Nevertheless, I wished that she hadn't said yes, not for my sake, not because there was a part of me that was pulled towards her, but for her sake.

"That's quite a distinction," she grumbled, scowling at me.

Yes, but Bella, I don't want to rehash the wisdom of your yes. You have said yes for now. I have decided to respect your choice in full expectation that one day you _will_ see the cost of your yes, and _will_ change your mind. And especially then, I will respect your choice.

"But that's not really the point at the moment," I said attempting to be gentle.

No. We were going to leave that conversation alone. She cried once about it. I wasn't going to make it twice. Her tears seemed to be my undoing last time and I couldn't have that repeated anytime soon. I was already too unstable as it was.

"Then what is?" she asked with confusion coating her tone.

She leaned toward me, her right hand cupped around her throat. It drew my eye–distracting me. How soft her skin must feel … her blood flowing so clearly through her nearly translucent skin …

 _Focus_ , I commanded myself. I was glad to move away from topics that might cause tears.

"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?" I finally asked softly.

Even as I said the question it sounded ridiculous to me, like the words were scrambled.

Her eyes were wide and slightly unfocused, her breathing stopped. Then she looked away quickly. Her breath came in a low gasp.

"You're doing it again," she muttered.

I paused. What had I done? She was the one drawing me in causing me to lose focus, creating all these changes within me.

"What?" I asked unable to understand what she was talking about.

Then I waited. I lightly checked in with my surroundings scanning the thoughts broadly and making sure I didn't accidently focus too much on one voice. I picked up nothing to cause concern.

"Dazzling me," she admitted, meeting my eyes warily.

Hmm. I wasn't sure what to do about that. I hadn't been trying to dazzle her. I was thrilled that I _could_ dazzle her, but I wasn't sure about the fact that she stopped breathing. It wasn't helping the progressing of the conversation that was for sure. I wasn't even sure what I did to dazzle her. That would be problematic.

I began to imagine the teasing from Emmett and Jasper, the snarls and eye rolling from Rosalie, and the smug look from Alice. I might never live this down.

"Oh," I replied like an idiot because I really didn't know what to say that wouldn't cause me to be the bunt of teasing for decades to come.

I tried to figure out how I could stop accidently dazzling her or, it seemed, every woman I talked to.

"It's not your fault." She sighed. "You can't help it."

I really wished she hadn't said that within hearing distance of my brothers. They were going to be horrible to live with.

She had said the same thing at dinner I realized. It interested me that she knew that I couldn't help it before I did. I was effecting human females in ways that I didn't mean to and now I was dazzling Bella when I hadn't intended. This seemed highly risky. But this wasn't the topic at hand. Again she had managed to sidetrack the conversation–this time without even meaning to.

"Are you going to answer the question?" I asked trying to keep the irritation I felt out of my tone.

I mean, how many times had she diverted the conversation? Clarifying this misunderstanding was really the point to us sitting here. Being a gentleman was too much ingrained not to follow through.

She looked at the table. "Yes."

I waited for her to say more. Nothing. Instead she was studying the intricate pattern of the table.

"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" I asked impatiently.

I felt a gaze on me that told me that my siblings were paying close attention to our conversation. Just great. I really should have seen this coming. Why did I decide to do this here again? Oh, right. Because I didn't want to accidently murder Bella in my car. I was already going to pay enough tonight for my confession. In comparison, what was the cost of revealing my growing pull towards Bella? It certainly couldn't make things worse. That sounded good enough until I imagined Rosalie.

"Yes, I really think that." Her eyes never left the table. There was a faint undertone of sadness in her voice. She blushed again, and her teeth moved unconsciously to bite her lip.

Tremendous weight came crashing down around me. All thoughts of my family's reactions left me. How wretched I was! Here, this angel, a lady, had tried to express her thoughts regarding me last night prior to me expressing mine. To add insult to injury I had been so stunned, so taken back by her acceptance of me, that I hadn't given her a chance. No, worse. I had shot her down, been upset, and told her _not to say that_. I had been so consumed with the belief that she would say no that I had stubbornly refused to see the risk she took to convey her confession. I had told myself that I would respect her choice, but even now I was struggling to hear it. Her coming to terms with what I am couldn't contain the all-consuming body-changing experiences I was having, but I couldn't imagine it being done without some emotional turbulence. She must be assured of her choice enough, no matter how temporary it might last, to sit here with me and risk my wrath again.

Once again I had failed to live up to the standards of Carlisle and Esme, only now I was also failing my birth parents. A gentleman should never let the lady risk more. A gentleman should lead, especially as this was concerned. A gentleman should express his thoughts and when appropriate sentiments and then let the lady choose. Sure, my affections, that I didn't know I had until Carlisle had suggested them, were the subtext of my actions and words, but I had not actually conveyed to her my thoughts regarding her. Well, except for when I told her to stay away from me, that I wasn't a good friend to her, and when I had implied that I had rejected her confessions. I had tried so hard to make sure that we would not reach this destination, but we had. Now that we had, I was challenged to see anything but failure. I had failed to keep her from me. _And_ I had failed to be a gentleman. I should not have put her in this position. I had done this all wrong!

Here she sat, beautiful and soft and gentle and warm and trusting and vulnerable. She was nervous. I had given her no reason not to be. Given the risks that she was taking I had to wonder her intentions. Did she want to be more than friends? Was her desire for us to court? With me? With a monster? When she knew I was a monster? I felt as if my world was spinning faster than I could keep up. Just last night I was certain she would reject me. I couldn't make sense of her at all.

Involuntarily my mind began to wonder if could I court her knowing that eventually the reality of my world would send her away? Certainly that wasn't how my birth parents had raised me. You courted a lady for the intention of securing her hand. Last night's vision of her in a white dress came to mind. I squelched it before the accompanying emotions could take me over. This wasn't possible in our case. Where did that leave me? I was uncertain. But I could rectify at least one thing.

"You're wrong," I promised all the irritation and petulance gone from my voice hoping she could hear my tenderness and sincerity.

I watched her carefully trying to discern by all that I had learned about her if she could hear the earnestness in my words.

Bella looked up at me, her eyes opaque, giving nothing away. "You can't know that." She spoke with assuredness.

She shook her head as if to dislodge something.

I did know that. She had spoken of no greater sentiment than I felt. My statement was, if nothing else, simply a reflection of our different natures. The gentleman in me hoped that my behaviour yesterday hadn't caused such irreparable damage that she would refuse to believe me. She seemed utterly convinced of her belief. I was uncertain of how to convince her that I was being honest now, given that I had lied to her previously. A secondary issue came to mind in terms of convincing her. Last night she had spoken truth, but I had been unable to hear her. Would she be unable to hear me?

"What makes you think so?" I asked hoping to understand what might be holding her to her conviction in order to convince her of the reality of things.

She stared back at me, the furrow between her brows, biting her lip. For the millionth time, I desperately wished that I could just _hear_ her.

I was about to beg her to tell me what thoughts she was struggling with, but she held up one finger.

"Let me think," she insisted.

I could wait. Attempting to be patient was irritating, but if it got me the answers I wanted … I attempted to still my own thoughts. As I wanted to make sure I heard her this time, I watched her and listened to her carefully. My sensibilities had been offended and rectifying that was the point of the conversation after all.

She pressed her hand together, twinning and untwining her slender fingers. She stared at her hands as if they belonged to someone else. Her face scrunched and creased while her heart and breathing remained steady.

"Well, aside from the obvious, sometimes," she murmured and paused. "I can't be sure– _I_ don't know how to read minds–but sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else." She didn't look up.

I was stunned. She'd caught that had she? I could almost feel my siblings' minds turning. They would wonder if she had noticed that, what else had she noticed? I already knew the answer. She noticed everything, but she often responded to what she saw opposite to what was sensible and safe.

She was right of course. That was what I had been trying to do from the moment that jealousy and attraction had made themselves apparent. It had been my weakness, my inability to walk away, my inability to resist the pull towards her that kept me from doing the right thing. It was my arrogance that was the undoing, just as it had been before I left Carlisle and Esme, only this time I was pulling an angel down with me.

This time, though, I had consulted Carlisle and Esme. They had chided me for believing I had it all figured out and reminded me to give her choice. I began to wonder if I could trust Esme's and Carlisle's judgement, but I stopped myself. I knew that they had my best interests at heart. Would they have Bella's? But that was a question for another day. I had been trying to honour their wisdom, and be a gentleman. But ultimately I wouldn't have needed their advice if only I had been stronger and been able to walk away.

"Perceptive," I breathed without thinking through what I was saying. Then I watched in dismay as pain twisted up her expression. I hurried to explain myself. "That's exactly why you're wrong, though–" I began, and then I paused, the first words of her explanation taking centre stage in my brain now. They bothered me. I needed to first fully understand what she was trying to communicate. "What do you mean 'the obvious'?"

"Well, look at me," she said.

I _was_ looking. All I ever did was look at her. She was the most amazing, incredible, beautiful, confounding creature I had ever met. What was she talking about? I was confused again.

"I'm absolutely ordinary," she explained. "Well, except for bad things like all the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. And look at you." She fanned the air toward me, like she was making some point it wasn't worth spelling out.

Did she not know that these looks were a part of the lure to draw in prey? They weren't something to admire. They were a part of the monster that I had to fight just to be with her. Her in all her humanness was far more beautiful and superior to me in everyway. I was irritated, but then I realised that I had never told her these things. How could she of known? Once again I had failed.

I was dead right about her not seeing herself properly. Poems have been written in an attempt to capture the essence of beauty, but even those wouldn't do her justice. No, she was the opposite of ordinary and she had no idea. Just as those thoughts went through my head I began to analyse if my reaction was attraction, affection, a combination of the two, or something more. I hoped to all that was holy that this wasn't something more. Out of necessity I focused on something else.

"You don't see yourself very clearly, you know," I stated solemnly. "I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things …" I laughed humourlessly. My role in her fated doom was not comical. The clumsiness, however, was so sort of funny. Enduring almost. I wondered if she would believe me if I told her how I saw her. I doubted it. Perhaps some other evidence … "But you didn't hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day."

It pleased me to think about the thoughts of her male peers that had been full of hope and eagerness and then the look on her face as they were expressed because she wanted none of them. I knew the pleasure I took from this stemmed from my jealousy and the perverted desire I contained to take her as _mine_. Against all that is good for her I was the one she said yes to. I knew it was wrong of me to find pleasure in her nos to them and yeses to me. She was going about it all backwards. Despite the fact that I knew my sentiments were wrong I simply could not stop them.

She blinked all expression gone from her face. "I don't believe it …" she mumbled.

Of course she didn't. She didn't see herself clearly. I added this assuredly to my list of her qualities.

"Trust me just this once–you are the opposite of ordinary," I stated confidently.

You trusted me with your life. Now trust me with this. You have managed to change me so inexplicitly without even intending to. My sister who never before expressed an interest in a human friend considers you her best friend. You couldn't possibly be ordinary.

Bella obviously wasn't used to compliments, as the strong flush that filled her neck and cheeks gave away her embarrassment. I added that to the list of her qualities.

She changed the subject. "But I'm not saying goodbye."

No, because you don't see me clearly yet. You don't know my world. You refuse to believe me when I say that I'm dangerous. You have decided that it doesn't _matter_ , and that it's too _late_. I, on the other hand, have lived in this shadow land for over eight decades and see the cost of my world. One day, my angel, you will too. I'm counting on it to save you from me.

"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it …" Could I ever be strong enough, unselfish enough to do the right thing by her? I shook my head in despair. I would have to find the strength. She deserved her life–an ordinary long healthy human life. I would save her from Alice's vision. "… If leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."

I hoped of all the things I had said that my siblings heard this statement. I had done my upmost to keep her from our truth while keeping her alive. I had failed my family, but I hoped my siblings could hear my intentions even if those same intentions did nothing to reduce the risk I had now exposed to us all.

The reality, Bella, is that when you leave it will be out of self-preservation. Me leaving would be the greatest act of selfishness that I could ever accomplish. As I had spoken the words I attempted to will them to be true.

As I watched her, she glared at me. Not only was she not afraid, but she glared at me, the world greatest predator, knowing what I am and that I had wanted to kill her when I first encountered her. She was astounding. I recognized in the midst of my awe that somehow my words had angered her.

"And you don't think I would do the same?" she asked her voice full of resentment.

Oh, I could see the possibility. As selfless as Bella was, as much as she felt responsible for others. Certainly she had to potential, but she was missing the point. She was not the one at risk of killing. She was at risk of being killed. She was the lamb. I was the lion. She didn't have the monster inside waiting watching just for one second of weakness to take another's life. She didn't have to keep me safe from her nature.

"You'd never have to make the choice," I said honestly.

Nick's face flashed in front of me. Look at what me staying, at wanting to have human friends, had cost him. The chasm between Bella and I filled me with darkness and heaviness.

She stared at me, concern replacing the anguish in her eyes and brought a little pucker between them. Had my statement made her sad? Why would her never having to make the choice concern her? I didn't know. I could only hope that my message had gotten through to Bella. I had set the record strait. I could go back to teasing.

"Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence," I stated lightly.

Because, Bella, even though I know I should walk away I simply _can't_.

I watched her carefully. My teasing seemed to ease her concern and brighten her features. I wondered if my indirect expression of my inability to leave her pleased her. It shouldn't, but knowing Bella it just might.

She smiled, too. "No one has tried to do away with me today," she said lightly, as if she were teasing back, and then her face turned speculative for half a second before her eyes went opaque again.

I tried to figure out what that look was all about. I had no good guesses.

"Yet," I added dryly. With her luck … I purposefully stopped my brain from going back to the list of all the ways she could die. I wouldn't think about that. It only increased emotions that had led us to here, and I didn't want to add fuel to the fire.

"Yet," she agreed to my surprise.

I had expected her to deny any need for protection. She had denied any help I had offered thus far.

Rosalie's usual grumbling mental tone suddenly became a piercing mental shriek breaking through. _How_ could _you? You self-centred egotistical jackass! You're supposed to be staying away from the girl not spend lunch with her and definitely NOT hanging out with her! Haven't you done enough damage?! Do you not remember what happened the last time you made friends with a human? We just got here. I don't want to move. I_ like _it here. Could you really live with yourself if another human lost their life due to your selfishness?_

I internally cringed. Rosalie was right on all points. I wished that I was strong enough to leave. Until I was, I had promised myself that I would keep Bella safe. She would not be Nick. I smiled at the memory of making Esme proud. This was the one redeeming part of my weakness–saving someone instead of taking a life. Either my family stayed and I left, which they had asked me not to do at our last family conference, or we all left, which Rosalie was firmly against. Either choice was unfavourable, but both made irrelevant by my weakness.

"Easy, Rose," I heard Emmett whisper from across the cafeteria. His arm was around her shoulders, holding her tight into his side–restraining her.

Not surprisingly once Rosalie's mental voice had invaded the rest of my siblings were also.

 _Seriously, bro. Not cool. I can't hold off Rose forever._

 _Sorry, Edward,_ Alice thought guiltily. _I thought about taking her home before she heard, but that turned out worse. Trust me on that._

I winced at the mental picture that followed, me explaining everything at home, Rosalie rushing at me enraged and then the destruction to our home that resulted as I attempted to protect myself without hurting her.

Jasper looked worried as if the full emotional ramification to Rosalie of my inability to leave Bella had just hit him. His thoughts were attempting to find a solution to the possibility of Bella's increased contact with me and Alice that minimized the risks without upsetting Alice. He determined that both me leaving and Alice not getting her best friend would hurt Alice, so he was hesitant to seriously consider either option. Bella was human and we were not. The possibilities were limited.

I knew that I would have to face them after school. It had already been inevitable. I just hoped the other part–the part where Bella knew what we were–would fair better if it was just one pill they'd have to swallow instead of two. I was nervous about it, but I pushed it out of my mind. I focused on Bella and with some effort purposefully sent my siblings' thoughts into the background. Alice's thoughts had reminded me of something else I needed to talk to Bella about.

"I have another question for you."

Bella looked hesitant, weary even, but open. "Shoot," she said, smiling.

I thought about wording, how to present my request so that a hint would be enough for Bella to catch my meaning.

"Do you really need to go to Seattle this Saturday, or was that just an excuse to get out of saying no to all your admires?" Well, the ones with enough courage to ask.

She grimaced.

I wondered what she was remembering. After careful consideration I decided that her grimace might reflect her irritation with me regarding my part in Tyler asking her out.

"You know, I haven't forgiven you for the Tyler thing yet. It's your fault that he's deluded himself into thinking I'm going to prom with him."

I was right. I worked at suppressing the laugh that the memory threatened and the release I felt at being right. It seemed that I was so rarely right anymore. Instead I turned my voice serious.

"Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me–I just really wanted to watch your face."

I laughed now, unable to contain myself anymore, remembering her aghast expression. Nothing about my non-humanness had ever caused her to look so horrified. My truths hadn't frightened her. Well, the ones she knew about at least. There were so many more. Her screams were inevitable. But that wasn't today. And in this moment I decided to enjoy her frown.

"If I'd asked you, would you have turned _me_ down?" I asked teasingly the question much more serious than my tone.

I listened to her heartbeat and her breathing, as I'd grown accustomed to doing while I waited for her human brain. I was beginning to grow accustomed to it. It was like taking a stroll on the beach. Enjoying the moments. Maybe this is what Jasper meant by _Just enjoy it._ It was sometimes irritating to go so slow, but there was also a calming element to it.

"Probably not," she said hesitantly drawing me out of my head. "But I would have cancelled later–faked an illness or a sprained ankle."

How strange. I tried to come up with a reasonable explanation for her response.

"Why would you do that?" I finally decided to ask.

She shook her head, as if she was disappointed that she had to explain. "You've never seen me in gym, I guess, but I would have thought you would understand."

Understood … Understood? My brain quickly searched through all that I knew about Bella to attempt to correctly guess to what she was referring.

"Are you referring to the fact that you can't walk across a flat, stable surface without finding something to trip over?"

I waited slightly nervous and excited to see if I had guessed right.

"Obviously," she retorted snidely.

Me being right twice in a row pleased me. I wanted to smile. As I recounted images of her clumsiness, I realized that I found it cute. I thought of telling her so, but thought better at it. She would probably conclude that I was jesting at her, which would cause her embarrassment. Instead, I focused on the fact that she had said yes to me again. I was filled with that feeling of buoyancy and giddiness again. Why the idea of taking Bella to such a human ritual pleased me so much was beyond me.

"That wouldn't be a problem. It's all in the leading," I explained my jubilance coming through slightly in my words.

I could not expel the images of her dressed in a gown. The images brought forth faint human memories of social events that I had attended grudgingly. For a brief second I was filled with the image of holding Bella in my arms where she would surely wear something pretty and delicate rather than this hideous sweater that was helping me keep my mind off wanting to do things I shouldn't.

With perfect clarity, I remembered how her body had felt under mine after I'd thrown her out of the way of the oncoming van. Stronger than the panic or the desperation or the chagrin, I could remember that sensation. She'd been so warm and soft, fitting easily into my own stone shape …

I wrenched myself back from the memory. Thank goodness for that awful sweater or I would have never been able to concentrate.

"But you never told me–" I said quickly in order to prevent her from arguing about her clumsiness, "are you resolved on going to Seattle, or do you mind if we do something different?"

There was, of course, the chance in my question that she would decline to spend time with me, to take back her yes. The choice must be hers. The choice to spend time with me. The choice of what to do. My selfish desire to spend the day with her reminded me of my wanting to be her friend. It was if nothing held me from craving more of her. I wished that I knew some way to stop it from betraying what I knew what right.

Alice had said that the sun would be shining on Saturday. That limited my options and by default Bella's, assuming she still wanted to spend the day with me. I pondered if I could show her the real me. Was I brave enough to risk rejection to watch the horror and disgust roll over her face, and then to have her to run away screaming. I knew just the place to take such a risk …

"I'm open to alternatives," Bella said. "But I do have a favour to ask."

A qualified yes. She was a sly minks. Other than saying yes to what I am, she had rarely given without getting something back, and usually she got more than she gave. What would it be this time?

"What?" I asked tentively.

Then I waited, breathing in and out, feeling the burn her scent gave me and counting her heartbeats.

"Can I drive?" she asked with the slightest hesitancy in her voice.

Was this her idea of humour? Her car was slower than I could _walk_. I immediately went to say no, but then I remembered that I was trying to be a different kind of Edward. I would try to be more like Carlisle and collect all the data _before_ making a decision.

"Why?" I asked trying to keep my tone pleasant.

Then I went back to waiting and listening and breathing attempting patience.

"Well, mostly because when I told Charlie I was going to Seattle, he specifically asked if I was going alone and, at the time, I was. If he asked again, I probably wouldn't lie, but I don't think her _will_ ask again, and leaving my truck at home would just bring up the subject unnecessarily. And also, because your driving frightens me."

I rolled my eyes. Seriously? I considered all the things she _should_ be frightened about.

"Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving."

Truly, her mind worked backwards. Getting into a car with me full of homicidal rage–fine. Me driving _slowly_ with the lights on terrified her. I shook my head confounded.

 _Edward!_ I heard Alice call, the urgency of the tone breaking through the background buzz.

Suddenly I was within one of Alice's visions starring at a bright circle of sunlight. It was a place I knew well, the place I'd just considered taking Bella–a little meadow where no one ever went but myself. A quiet, pretty place where I could count on being alone–far enough from any trail or human habitation that even my mind could have peace and quiet.

 _Edward, it's the same place_. Alice's mind contained a level of horror of fear that I had never previously experienced from Alice. It was like nails on a chalkboard. Something that was impossible to ignore. Simultaneously, I was confused. Her mental tone did not match what I was seeing. Tension, perhaps, but horror? What did she mean, _the same place?_

She must have seen my almost negligible reaction and knew that she now had my attention. She then started flipping through past visions that involved me. It was clear that she had tried to see all eventualities following each possible future until they had become foggy. Her care and attention for my well-being was staggering. In one possible future, I was in the meadow and I wasn't alone. It was clear–Bella was with me. So I _was_ brave enough. Bella was there staring at me, her eyes fathomless.

And then I saw it.

 _Edward!_ Alice protested shrilly. _I love her, Edward!_

No. I refused it to be true. It hadn't been true for over seven weeks now. Alice was seeing possibilities, not eventualities. Just like the vision of her and Bella running together or all the other ones that ended badly for Bella, I would make sure that this one also was not true. I would beat it. I had been so consumed with that Alice had shared that my brain had not registered anything else. I was grateful for that fact, at least. I pushed Alice's possible future out of my mind, and sent Alice's thoughts back into the background.

Not even a half of second had passed. Bella was looking curiously at my face, waiting for me to approve her request. Had she seen the flash of dread or was it too quick for her?

I focused on her, on our unfinished conversation, finding calm again in her rhythms and eyes. I wasn't able to keep up the playful tone of our banter, though.

"Won't you want to tell your father that you're spending the day with me?" I asked, darkness seeping into my voice.

Perchance I should change our plans? Perhaps cancel? No, I commanded myself. Alice isn't omnipotent. It was an old vision, invalid now. Things have changed. I demanded that what she had shown me be still. Entertaining doubts in my own self-control would not be helpful.

"With Charlie, less is always more," Bella said, certain of this. "Where are we going anyway?"

Given Bella's curiosity, I could see where this conversation was likely headed and I knew my siblings, Alice excluded, would not be happy. This was not the most appropriate place for them to find out, although it would contain Rosalie. I didn't want to do that to them, but what were my options? Bella was too curious and although she was mindful about humans overhearing, she didn't know about my siblings. Every option I chose, unless I stood up and excused myself, would reach the same result. I considered the option of leaving, but once again I was weak. No matter the location, they would have found out in a few hours anyway. Resigned to what lay before me I continued.

"The weather will be nice," I said slowly fighting the mental tones of panic and dread attempting to make themselves heard within me. "So I'll be staying out of the public eye … and you can stay with me, if you'd like to."

I had to consciously work at holding their thoughts at bay. I had chosen my words carefully hoping that Bella would play along.

Bella caught the significance at once, just as I had suspected she would. Her eyes were bright and eager. "And you'll show me what you meant, about the sun?"

And with that everything went crashing down as I had expected they would. At once I heard Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper screaming for me to hear them. Rosalie was cursing me. Without looking away from Bella I knew Emmett would be holding her down, just by the rage the words contained. Emmett was certain that I had officially lost my mind and was wondering what Carlisle would do when he found out. Jasper was planning how to eliminate the risk and then ruling them out one by one as he realised that each one would upset Alice. My head felt like bees in a jam jar furious to be let out.

Bella knowing that I didn't eat they could mark down to her being observant. Her knowing that I had a peculiar reaction to the sun meant I hadn't _lied_. I had broken the most carnal rule of our kind. I had betrayed what it meant to be a Cullen. Except that I hadn't. Ephraim Black's descendant had. They just didn't know that yet.

"Yes," I answered tersely. This weekend would be the best time to show her. Let her run now while things between us were still new and leaving would be easier. I forced a smile. She hadn't liked the last time I expected her no, I doubted she'd appreciate it now. "But …" she hadn't said yes. "If you don't want to be … alone with me, I'd still rather you didn't go to Seattle by yourself. I shudder to think of the trouble you could find in city that size."

Her lips pressed together; she was offended. Of course, she didn't like appearing weak. "Phoenix is three times bigger than Seattle–just in population. In physical size–"

I just wasn't about to admit with my siblings listening that I wouldn't be able to handle the anxiety of it. Blaming her rather than admitting my inability to control my body publically was a cowardly thing to do. It was very ungentlemanly. I internally cringed at how disappointed both my mother and Esme would have been if they could have seen this moment.

"But apparently you number wasn't up in Phoenix. So I'd rather you stayed near me." For my sanity and your safety.

I might just very well go insane if something happened to Bella. Forever would not be long enough for me to get my fill of her. I immediately flogged myself for that thought. I shouldn't think that way. No. I simply needed to appreciate each second I had until her no. Each second counted more than they ever had before she came into my life; each second changed her while I remained untouched.

"As it happens, I don't mind being alone with you."

I ran through all the reasons there was something terribly wrong with that statement.

"I know," I sighed as Alice's vision reared its head again. Some incentive to have her home in one piece would be good. "You should tell Charlie, though." I tried to force the image of Bella dead in the meadow back into the box that I'd placed it.

"Why in the world would I do that?"

I glared at her. Because I'm dangerous. She knew and didn't care. Because I might kill you. She knew but decided that it didn't matter. I was failing to return the swirling sickening visions running through my head to their box. What else could I say to convince her that being with me was bad for her health?

"To give me some small incentive to bring you back," I hissed.

It was the least she could do–to give me one witness to compel me to be cautious, to remind me of the price not just I, but my family, would pay if I failed. Why had Alice forced this knowledge on me now? I had been in such a good mood.

Bella swallowed loudly, and stared at me for a long moment as if she sure I had whatever answer she was searching for.

"I think I'll take my chances," she decided.

Ugh! What was wrong with her? What did she see while she looked at me that would of resulted in that decision? Obviously not the killer I was. Maybe she still saw the hero she had first envisioned? I liked that she might, but discouraged myself from seeing myself in that way as it put her at too much risk. The burn in my throat should have been enough of a reminder that I was the villain.

I scowled at Alice, who met my glare with a warning glance. I didn't like being on this end of Alice. I preferred it better when we were a team. Beside her, Rosalie was still seething. I just hoped Alice's vision of our home being destroyed didn't come true for two reasons. One, I would hate to see Esme upset. Two, it would prove my point–Alice's visions weren't set. I wasn't sure how I would do it, but I would manage to talk to my family tonight without Rosalie flinging herself at me enraged. If I could beat this one, I could beat the one in the meadow, then I could beat the one that had Bella with bright red eyes. I'd already beat the vision of Bella dead on her first day.

"Let's talk about something else," Bella suggested.

The part of me that wanted to be the hero to have something good to show for my life wanted to speak the words that would allow Bella to see the truth of the situation. My attempts to dissuade her had only left her in tears and me angry. She held the power to keep me or send me away. I was too weak. That was really the problem.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked hesitantly.

Her eyes darted to the left, and then to the right as if to check that there were no eavesdroppers. She must be planning to ask another question that she wasn't able to last night. This might not be good. My siblings were already on edge. Her eyes froze as if caught by something and her body stiffened momentarily. And then she looked back at me.

"Why did you go to that Goat Rocks place last weekend … to hunt? Charlie said it wasn't a good place to hike, because of bears."

I stared at her raising an eyebrow. Come on Bella. You're a smart girl. I'm already in enough hot water. I can't give this to you.

I watched her facial expressions as if they were a window into her mind.

"Bears?" she gasped.

I smiled wryly, watching that sink in. I would explain it all to them later although for the time being the tension in my head might get worse. It was a small price to pay if it knocked some sense into Bella.

She pulled her expression together. "You know, bears are not in season," she said severely narrowing her eyes.

"If you read carefully, the laws only cover hunting with weapons."

I was watching her very carefully. First she looked like she might be slightly confused, but then the reality of me hunting seemed to penetrate. I expected horror even terror next, instead her face consorted into shock and her mouth fell open. Wrong response again, Bella. You respond backward. You respond not to the blood, but the animal? What did you imagine when you told me last night that we drink animal blood?

"Bears?" she managed out tentatively.

Maybe this was my chance to make the picture clearer. To help her understand that I am a monster first. That I am dangerous to her. That she should be terrified.

"Grizzly is Emmett's favourite."

I watched her face, particularly her eyes to make sure this was penetrating that thick backwards brain of hers. She seemed to purposefully take her eyes off me and look down at her food.

"Hmm," she murmured.

She took a bite of pizza. She chewed thoughtfully and then took a drink. I hoped, since she was prohibiting me from gazing into her eyes, that she was taking time to process this information.

"So," she said, finally looking up. Yes? I waited for the disgust. "What's you're favourite?"

Knowing Bella I probably should have seen that coming. Just like last night her reaction was the opposite of what it should be. She did keep things interesting, at the least. And I wasn't yelling at her, so maybe that was something. In for a penny in for I pound I guess.

"Mountain lion," I answered brusquely.

I monitored her closely waiting for the running to being.

"Ah," she said in a neutral tone and looked towards her soda. Her heartbeat was as steady as if we were discussing her favourite restaurant.

Fine then. If she wanted to act like this was nothing unusual …

"Of course, we have to be careful not to impact the environment with injudicious hunting." I told her, my voice detached and clinical. "We try to focus on areas with an overpopulation of predators–ranging as far away as we need. There's always plenty of deer and elk here, and they'll do, but where's the fun in that?"

She listened with a politely interested expression as if I were a teacher giving a lecture. I had to smile.

"Where indeed," she murmured calmly, taking another bike of pizza.

Maybe if I went a bit further the terror and horror would sink in.

"Early spring is Emmett's favourite bear season–they're just coming out of hibernation, so they're more irritable."

Seventy years later, and he still hadn't gotten over losing that first match.

At that the general shock of my siblings became something else–a mental resonance of betrayal–and penetrated my consciousness. That I hadn't expected. I expected them to be mad and to scream at me. I was prepared for that, but this was something else. This was dumbfounded silence with being absolutely appalled. I wished I could go over there right now and explain, but I couldn't. I just hoped they could understand things better once I did. I could understand if what they saw right now was nothing less than their death sentence. I hoped they knew that I loved them too much to tell Bella our secrets. Even from Alice, though, I could even feel her disapproving tenor. Maybe I had stepped too far.

"Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear," Bella agreed nodding solemnly.

Bella's statement caused me to chuckle despite myself. I hoped my siblings didn't believe I was directing it at them. I shook her head at her illogical calm. It had to be a show.

"Tell me what you're really thinking, please."

I tried to imagine what was going on inside her skull as if I could read her thoughts.

"I'm trying to picture it but I can't," she admitted, the crease appearing between her eyes. "How do you hunt a bear without weapons?"

Silly, Bella. You really don't see me clearly. I've been trying to get through to you. "Oh, we have weapons." Then I flashed her a wide threatening smile.

I expected her to recoil, but her heat and breathing remained steady. Her body did twinge a little, like she wanted to shiver, but stopped herself. It was too slight even for my eyes to know for sure. I hoped she was afraid. She needed to be afraid.

"Just not the kind they consider when writing hunting laws. If you've ever seen a bear attack on television, so should be able to visualize Emmett hunting," I explained.

She glanced toward the table where my siblings sat, and shuttered.

Finally. Despite the irony, it amused me that although she didn't find me frightening, she did Emmett. He was larger and burlier than I or even Jasper for sure, and he was stronger than anyone else in the family. But he was not by far the most dangerous in our group. That honour belonged to Jasper. And I had lost my touch, so maybe that put me as low on the totem pole as Carlisle. It didn't sound so bad put like that even if Emmett would never let me live it down.

As I followed her gaze and looked at my siblings their thoughts were unsettlingly still. Apart from Alice they were all sat in stunned silence almost statuesque. That was understandable, but potentially more of a risk of our exposure than my conversation. I wanted to find some way to shake them out of it, but nothing came to mind. Hopefully Alice would intervene if necessary.

Bella's dark eyes were wide and deep as she stared at me now. "Are you like a bear too?" she asked in an almost-whisper.

I considered her question thoughtfully. No one had ever asked me that.

"More like the lion, or so they tell me," I told her attempting to sound detached again. It was easier for me to talk to her about this detached. "Perhaps our preferences are indicative."

Her lips pulled up a tiny bit at the corners. "Perhaps," she repeated. And then she leaned her head to the side, and curiosity was suddenly clear in her eyes. "Is that something I might get to see?"

I didn't need a vision from Alice to be able to see what would transpire in that option –the horror in my own imagination was more than sufficient.

"Absolutely not," I snarled at her.

At that my siblings were jolted and remembered that they were in the cafeteria at school needing to pretend human. Her question sent them into varying reactions of disbelief, all loud. And with that the discomfort in my head that I had expected arrived.

Bella jerked away from me, her eyes bewildered and frightened.

I leaned back too, wanting to put space between us. I wanted to hope that this sliver of fear would be enough to wake her out of her state and allow her to see me clearly, but I knew not to dare to hope. This was Bella after all. Nothing seemed to allow her to see me clearly. Maybe this Saturday in the sun?

"Too scary for me?" she asked her voice even. Her heart though was still doing double time.

I worked at quieting my siblings' thoughts in my head.

"If that were it, I would take you out tonight," I retorted through my teeth. "You _need_ a healthy dose of fear. Nothing could be more beneficial for you."

My siblings inner voices were straining to come through as fiercely as I was straining to hold them back.

"Then why?" she demanded, undeterred.

I glared at her blackly, waiting for her to be afraid. _I_ was afraid. I could imagine only too clearly having Bella near when I hunted … I considered answering for my siblings sake. Perhaps they could see for themselves her insanity, but as I glanced over to where I usually sat I realized that they were already on their way to class.

Bella's eyes remained curious, impatient, nothing more. She waited for her answer, not giving in.

"Later," I snapped, and rose to my feet, "We're going to be late."

She looked around disorientated, like she forgot she was at lunch. Like she'd forgotten we were even at school–surprised that we were not alone in some private place. I understood the feeling exactly. It was hard to remember the rest of the world when I was with her. I congratulated myself at doing a better job today than I had at the restaurant.

She got up quickly, bobbling once, and threw her backpack over her shoulder.

"Later, then," she said, and I could see the determination set in; she would hold me to that.


	36. Chapter 36: Temporary Encasements

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.  
**

* * *

Bella and I walked silently to biology. Despite my sincerest intentions to focus on what was happening in the moment, not on what happened at lunch, not on my siblings, and definitely not on Alice's meadow vision, I was failing. What held most of my focus was how things were going to go when I got home. I considered multiple strategies to avoid the whole thing. None of them were viable. Since avoiding the whole debacle seemed impossible, then at least I would make sure the house was left undamaged for all our sakes. I also committed to myself that I would not defending myself physically. I would suffer through any physical punishment my siblings wanted to dish out. It seemed suitable given the jeopardy they were now in. However, I was successfully keeping everyone's thoughts in the background. Which at this point was a minor victory, but still.

We passed Angela Weber, lingering on the sidewalk, discussing an assignment with a boy from her Trigonometry class. My desire to gift her would be a good distraction I reasoned. With more concerted effort than it usually took to draw one mental voice forward while leaving all others in the background, I scanned her thoughts perfunctory, expected more disappointment, only to be surprise by their wistful tenor. Ah, so there _was_ something Angela wanted. Unfortunately, this was something that couldn't be easily gift-wrapped. I felt strangely comforted for a moment hearing Angela's hopeless yearnings. A sense of kinship that Angela would never know about passed through me. I was, for that second, at one with the kind human girl. What another wondrous gift she had given me. My decision was made. I would have to find a way to assist her with what she wanted.

It was oddly consoling to know that I wasn't the only one living out a tragic story. Her tragedy was one of unrequited love. In the next second, I was abruptly and thoroughly irritated because Angela's story didn't _have_ to be tragic. She was human and he was human and the difference that seemed so insurmountable in her head was ridiculous, truly ridiculous in comparison to my own situation. There was no _point_ to her unreturned pinings. What a wasteful sadness, when there was no valid reason for her not to be with the one she wanted. Why shouldn't she have what she wanted? Why shouldn't this story have a happy ending?

I would give her what she wanted. Knowing what I did of how humans thought, it probably wouldn't be very difficult. With effort I was able to bring his mental voice forward and sift through the consciousness of the boy beside her, the object of her affection. As soon as my search was complete I made sure all mental voices were being held into the background. He did not seem unwilling, just stymied by the same difficulty she was. Hopeless and resigned, the way she was. All I would need to do was plant the suggestion …

The plan formed easily, the script wrote itself without much effort on my part. I would need Emmett's help, though–getting him to go along with this was the only real difficulty. Human nature was so much easier to manipulate.

I was pleased with my gift for Angela. It was a nice diversion. I wished my problems were as easy to fix. As Bella and I had walked to class a small part of my brain continued to monitor Bella. She seemed unaware of my turmoil, lost in her own thoughts. Her keen observances had been avoided by the fact that she had spent most of the time admiring her shoes as she had walked next to me. I missed her eyes, the windows into her thoughts, and I was curious what her brain was making of our conversation, but simultaneously I was grateful that she was distracted. I didn't think I could take her asking me questions about what was going on with me right now.

My gift to Angela improved my mood slightly as Bella and I took our seats. Maybe Carlisle's and Esme's hope wasn't unfounded. Perhaps there was a solution other than leaving or Bella dying that just was escaping me, the way Angela's obvious solution was so invisible to her. Not likely … but right now wasn't the time to ponder these things. Instead, I would listen to Jasper's advice. Why waste the moments I had with Bella consumed by hopelessness and dread? Our friendship, like her, wasn't meant to last. I would make the moments I had count.

This time I did not pull my chair away from hers to give myself space to breathe. Instead, I sat close beside her like any normal human would. Closer than we sat inside my car, close enough that the left side of my body felt submerged in the heat radiating from her skin. I had never experienced anything like it. Great. Another new thing. I considered briefly moving my chair back to where it had been for all these weeks, but dismissed the thought. My prediction was that doing so would hurt Bella's feelings. I internally repeated the same argument I had with myself at lunch about the merits of pushing Bella away. Once again I seemed unable to anything that I knew might cause her pain.

Mr. Banner entered pulling an ancient TV and VCR. He was skipping a section he wasn't particularly interested in–genetic disorders–by showing a movie for the next three days. _Lorenzo's Oil_ was not a very cheerful piece, but that didn't stop the excitement in the room. No notes, no test-able material. Three free days. The human children exulted. It didn't matter to me, either way. I hadn't been paying attention to anything but Bella for weeks now.

Our proximity was a strange experience, both enjoyable and nerve-racking. I preferred lunch where I sat across from her watching her facial expressions and looking into her eyes. The nearness was doing things to my body that I had no understanding. The proximity was more than I was used to, closer than we had ever been, and yet quickly not enough. Being this close to Bella only made me want to be closer still. The pull was stronger the closer I got. When Carlisle mentioned that attraction could be a stronger pull than blood he hadn't warned me about this.

I had accused Bella of being a magnet for danger. Right now it felt like the literal truth. I _was_ danger, and, with every inch I allowed myself to get closer to her, her pull grew in force. The proximity drew me in both mentally and physically. It quieted the always present cocktail background noise in my head to a dull buzz that could be easily ignored. My body and my senses became more attune to her as if nothing else existed. Yet, her scent didn't pull me into the fog as much as I would have expected. I was burning certainly, but it was akin to being in the car with her. Painful, but the monster was controlled. Perhaps my plan for desensitization was working better than I anticipated.

And then Mr. Banner turned the lights out.

The difference this made was odd considering I could see just as well with the lights out. Every detail of the room was still perfectly clear. The sounds of all the heartbeats in the room were just as easily heard, with one sounding especially sweet. I could almost focus just on it and turn the rest out. So, why the sudden reoccurrence of that electronic current that I had felt the first time we had touched? Only this time it seemed to run through my whole body and create this little bubble around Bella and I. I had to remind myself that we were not alone. I watched as my hand, without my permission, reached out towards Bella to touch her, to hold her hand, to stroke her arm, to run my finger from her temple down to her chin. Fortunately I brought my hand back to myself before it was too late. Since I couldn't seem to trust my own hands I balled them into fists and crossed my arms tightly across my chest.

This desire rising out of me was pulling on me in all kinds of directions. It contemplated what the harm would be to hold her hand. She could always take her hand back if she wanted to. Carlisle had been right. These desires were even harder to deny than the hunger of the monster. Perhaps that was because I had less practise denying these type of desires. I would cage my attraction as I had the monster. If Bella wanted to touch me, like at the restaurant, then I would acquiesce, but I would hold my body in check. I could not trust this attraction to be soft with her. Already I knew that these hungers would not be satisfied with softness. Nothing but death could be the result, not to mention that we were not courting. Why was my body betraying me so thoroughly?

I risked glancing over to Bella. I saw her sitting in the exact same posture looking at me. Could it be that we were experiences the exact same sensation? It seemed unlikely, but there she sat. Us looking like mirrors.

What are you thinking? I was dying to whisper, but it was too quiet to get away with even a whispered conversation. And for the briefest of seconds I could see one advantage to Bella being turned. I berated myself for even this briefest of considerations.

The movie began, lightening the darkness just a bit. Bella glanced up to me. Her lips parted slightly and her eyes seemed full of warm invitations.

I smirked back; her breathing caught with a low gasp and she looked quickly away.

I shouldn't have smirked. Her looking away made things worse. I couldn't be certain of her thoughts, but I was fairly positive that I had been right. She had _wanted_ me to touch her. She felt this dangerous desire as well.

Between her body and mine, the electricity hummed.

She maintained the same position without moving for the whole hour. Occasionally she would glace towards me and the current would reignite. She held such power over me. The seconds moved both very quickly so the hour was over too soon. I could have sat like that enjoying that sensation for days while simultaneously it was too slow. It was more challenging as the hour went on to keep my hands where I was holding them. My firm determination to not move removed everything from the world but my body, Bella's heat, her heat beat, her eyes, and the electricity coursing through me. I hadn't moved a millimetre since the start of the movie and for the first time since I had awoken to this existence I hadn't needed to make one effort to keep the thoughts at bay. The worst part was that my body was enjoying her presence. It had been humming in an utterly content way and my mind had been still. It seemed too joyous to be true. She really was my kryptonite. I had not one idea how she had done that.

There was no way attraction could cause that significant of reaction. Was there? Jealousy? No. That didn't fit at all. Affection? That seemed unlikely also. It was as if her proximity shielded me from the outside world. That was exceedingly dangerous in so many ways, not to mention the current. I know what Esme and Carlisle had said about what a current could indicate, but hadn't Carlisle ruled out being mates? I didn't even love her, for goodness sake. None of this made sense and I was genuinely concerned that the bubble sensation I had experienced could lead to me forgetting to play human.

When Mr. Banner turned back on the bright fluorescent lights the atmosphere was brought back to normal. The bubble had been burst. Perhaps if it only happened in the dark, it could be avoided. Bella stretched her arms and fingers in front of her and sighed with relief. It must have been quite difficult for her to keep that posture and be that still for the whole hour. I wondered, since it had obviously been uncomfortable, why she had done it.

Fortunately for me ensuring my façade, the cocktail party background noise returned. I could feel Rosalie's thoughts in particular attempting to get through, but Alice's weren't far behind. I made sure I held it all at bay. I would deal with my family when I got home.

I chuckled. "Well, that was interesting," I commented softly still trying to understand the cause.

"Umm," was all I got back.

She must have been lost in thought, but didn't want to share. Now why was she doing that to me? I tried to take guess, but knew I would get it wrong.

"Shall we?" I asked standing.

She seemed uncomfortable getting up, her hands splayed out as if she were afraid she was going to fall. I considered holding her elbow to help her. Would that be the gentlemanly thing to do? It seemed like it. It would keep her from unnecessary embarrassment. But that was touching her. Where, then, was the line? Holding hands seemed out. Tucking in her hair earlier today seemed okay. The more I thought about it the more my desires wanted to move the line towards her wrapped in my arms and her lips on mine.

She was very quiet as we walked toward the gym. The crease was evident between her eyes, a sign that she was deep in thought. I was likewise. I kept turning the last hour over in my mind attempting to find an answer to a seemingly unanswerable query. Each time my brain attempted to focus on what was in store for me after school I forced it to give its attention to my most recent problem.

She paused at the door and turned. She looked at me. I could see my own face reflected in her eyes betraying the struggle I was having. She looked concerned with a touch of wanting something or thinking deeply about something. I wasn't sure. As I stood there looking at her, my hand moved without my permission. I saw the motion as if it was completely detached from my brain.

The only thing I seemed able to do was yell at my hand not to kill her. Bella was so fragile. It would be so easy to hurt her. I just needed my hand to moderate the pressure. My tactile sense was incredibly sensitive. I could juggle a dozen crystal goblets without every breaking them, if I paid attention. Like caressing a bubble without it bursting. If I paid attention. So, I stopped fighting my body and, simply for Bella's well-being, focused on my hand. I kept reminding myself that Bella was like a soap bubble–fragile and ephemeral. _Temporary._ Jasper's words rang in my head: _Don't over think it._

I made sure my hand moved slowly, gently. I waited till it was near to her and reached out a finger with the slightest of touches moving along her cheekbone. _Enough_ , I ordered before my body could do more. I had given it this. No more. _Enough._ I forced myself to turn around and leave. My body moved stiffly–unwillingly. As I walked to my class I noticed that my hand was tingling. I flexed it and then curled it into a fist, but it continued to sting painlessly. It felt like fire–like the thirsty burn of my throat had spread through my entire body–yet different. There was heat, but without the pain. I wasn't entirely sure that the next time I was close to her that I would be able to stop my body from touching her again. Yet, I didn't want to do anything without Bella's permission. She had the right to keep herself from my cold repulsive touches. Great. More failures.

I got to class. I needed a distraction; then I remembered that Bella had mentioned that I had never seen her in gym. That wasn't entirely true. I had paid attention a few times before, the last time the teacher was lecturing on badminton. This might be the distraction I needed. I easily found Mike Newton's thoughts in the clutter and with much more care and concentration that was usually required I brought his forward while I forced my siblings' to stay in the background. At that moment I was grateful for my weeks of monitoring Bella in this way. I had lots of practice. Even though I didn't like his head it was the clearest from this distance probably because I have been listening in too much.

I was just in time to hear him debating on whether he wanted to offer to be Bella's partner or not. Flashes of previous injuries he had incurred because of Bella flashed through his mind. I had not realised it was _that_ bad. His thoughts seemed to be a strategy of playing each move of the game and being grateful that Bella was staying out of the way. I had to remind myself that killing Mike wasn't an option. Then Mike grew concerned when the coach ordered him to allow her to play. I couldn't be sure exactly what happened except that Mike's thoughts were swear words and then pain.

 _Ow. Ow. Ungh. That's going to leave a bruise._

It took a bit of effort to tune into Coach Clapp while Mike's mind was overwhelmed with holding it together. _That girl's the worst jinx I've ever seen. Shouldn't inflict her on the others …_

The intensity of Mike's thoughts escaladed. _Ow,_ invaded and I pushed Coach Clapp's back. _It was nice for Bella to ask if I was okay, but it would be even better if she hadn't injured me. I don't want to sound like a crybaby, but man that hurt!_

It seemed that Bella didn't venture into the game again. Fine by me. Even though she hurt Mike, with her luck next time she would need stitches or something.

I was still listening to Mike as I walked across the campus. He decided to confront Bella about me. _Jessica swears they're dating. Why? Why does he have to pick her?_

He couldn't have possibly recognized the real phenomenon–that despite my sincerest efforts she had said yes to _me_.

 _You and the freak. I guess, if a rich guy is that important to you …_

 _Defensive. So it's true. Crap. I don't like it._

 _Why can't she see what a circus sideshow he is? Like they all are. The way he stares at her. It gives me chills to watch. He looks at her like she's something to eat._

I cringed using my hearing to try to hear her response. It sounded like a giggle burst through her lips. A giggle?

 _Now she's laughing at me. Great._

Mike turned, thoughts sullen, and wandered off to change.

I made sure that his thoughts were pushed back and no one else's were getting through. I leaned against the gym wall and tried to compose myself. She had tried to contain her reaction, but failed. His accusation was so entirely on target I began to worry that the student body of Forks was becoming too _aware_ … My mind refused to let go of Bella's response. Why a giggle? She knew the danger was real. She knew the truth behind his words. What was _wrong_ with her? Did she have some morbid sense of humour? Was she so brave that she had no sense of fear at all? I began to reconsider a psychiatric evaluation.

When she walked through the gym doors, her shoulders were stiff and her lower lip was between her teeth again. But as soon as her eyes met mine her shoulders relaxed and a wide smile spread across her face. It was an oddly peaceful expression. She walked right to my side without hesitation, only stopping when she was so close that her body heat crashed over me like a tidal wave. Just like before, her reaction to my presence caused a physical response in me.

"Hi," she whispered.

The happiness I felt in this moment was, again, without precedent. She held such power over me it was ridiculous. I was beginning to see myself as an Emmett–bouncing behind the girl. Did I want to be like that? Well, if this was how good it felt, why not?

"Hello," I said, and then–because with my mood being so light I couldn't resist teasing her–I added, "How was gym?"

Her smile wavered. "Fine."

She was a poor liar.

"Really?" I asked, about to press the issue–I was concerned that she might have gotten hurt–but then Mike Newton caught my line of sight and his thoughts were so loud they broke my concentration. It was what I deserved for being in his brain for the last hour.

 _I_ hate _him. I wish he would die. I hope he drives that shiny car off a cliff. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Stick to his own kind–to the freaks._

"What?" Bella demanded.

My eyes refocused on her face. I sent his mental voice back where it belonged before any other voice could invade.

She looked at Mike's retreating back and then at me again.

"Newton's getting on my nerves," I admitted.

Her mouth fell open, and her smile disappeared. She must have forgotten that I had the power to hear the thoughts of others through her calamitous last hour, or hoped I hadn't utilized it.

"You weren't listening again?"

I considered many responses: teasing, lying, evasion, brutal truth. None seemed to end particularly well for me. I had to force myself to remember that her being upset with me and sending me away was what I was aiming for.

"How's your head?" I asked with a smile in my voice.

I watched her features carefully as her shock turned into irritation. It was an amazing thing to watch.

"You're unbelievable!" she said through her teeth, and then she turned away and stomped furiously towards the parking lot. She skin flushed dark red.

I hadn't meant to embarrass her.

"You were the one who mentioned how I'd never seen in you Gym–it made me curious," I attempted to explain.

She didn't answer; her eyebrows pulled together. She came to a sudden halt in the parking lot when she realized that a crowd of male students blocked the way to my car.

Before I could stop them their thoughts came through clearly.

 _I wonder how fast they've gone in this thing …_

 _Look at the SMG shift paddles. I've never seen those outside of a magazine …_

 _Nice side grills …_

 _Sure wish I had sixty thousand dollars laying around …_

As soon as they had entered I pushed them into the background. A few choice words from Rosalie had managed to get through, but with concerted effort there was only the regular noise in my head.

Their reactions were exactly why it was better for Rosalie to use her car out of town.

I wound through the throng of lustful boys to my car; after a second of hesitation Bella followed suit.

"Ostentatious," I muttered as she climbed in. Although … Bella and I garnished as much attention today. A dangerous thought entered … Maybe I should continue to let Rose drive to school … then I can keep picking up Bella.

"What kind of car is that?" she wondered.

I found it curious that she had been impressed, but didn't know what it was. I had to spend even greater effort to keep my siblings' thoughts at bay while they drew nearer to us in proximity.

"An M3," I answered briskly my concentration bleeding through into my tone.

I went back to keeping my head free of anything but background noise and my own thoughts.

Bella frowned. "I don't speak _Car and Driver_."

She probably didn't realize how much it costs then. Maybe that's for the best. I probably shouldn't tell her about the spare cars I have in the garage, then.

"It's a BMW." I rolled my eyes for effect and then focused on backing out without running anyone down. I had to lock eyes with a few boys that didn't seem to want to move out of my way. A half-second meeting of my gaze seemed to be enough to convince them. Guess I haven't lost my touch after all.

Once free from the parking lot I asked her, "Are you still angry?" Her frown had relaxed.

Like putting fingers in a dam, my siblings' mental voices were going to invade soon without increased distance.

"Definitely," she answered curtly.

I sighed. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up. Too late now. I considered my options. If I was strong I would allow Bella to continue being irritated at me so that sooner than later she would push me away. The problem was that I wasn't strong and the sense of contentment and inner stillness that I had experienced in Biology was so tantilizingly tempting.

"Will you forgive me if I apologize?" my mouth expelled before I had finished my deliberation.

I knew a greater part of me didn't want a strain between us, that part _wanted_ to be her friend, and didn't like seeing her upset. I was frustrated that part of me seemed to have a direct connection to my mouth while the more prudent part of me seemed pushed aside. I considered that. It was as if … could that be true? … it was as if I had suddenly become more 17 than 104. Since my rebellious years and apart from my temper I behaved my age not the 17-year-old I had been frozen at. It seemed impossible and yet fit so much of my uncharacteristic behaviour. I would need to talk to Carlisle about it, while I also had absolutely no desire to do so.

She thought about that for a moment, "Maybe … if you mean it. _And_ you promise not to do it again."

Well, I couldn't take my offer of an apology back now. I had been raised better than that. Additionally, I wasn't going to lie to her, but there was no way I was going to promise _that_. Perhaps, if I offered her a different exchange.

"How about if I mean it, _and_ I agree to let you drive Saturday?" I cringed internally at the thought, but it was a better offer than hers.

The mental tension in my head began to recede, no doubt signalling that Rosalie's BMW had gone out of my range.

The furrow popped into existence between her eyes as she considered the new bargain. "Deal," she said after a moment of thought.

Now for my apology … I decided to _try_ and dazzle her on purpose. Although I'd tried my usual persuasion before, I hadn't known what to listen for if it had worked. This time I was fairly certain I would be able to tell. I stared deeply into her eyes as I drove away from school, wondering if I was doing it right. I used my most persuasive tone.

"Then I'm very sorry I upset you."

Her heartbeat thudded louder than before, and the rhythm was abruptly staccato. Her eyes widened, looking a little stunned.

I half-smiled. It seemed like I'd gotten it right. Of course, I was having difficulty looking away from her eyes, too. Equally dazzled. It was a good thing I had this road memorized. My ability to dazzle her purposefully pleased me.

"And I'll be on your doorstep bright and early Saturday morning," I added finishing the agreement.

She blinked swiftly now, shaking her head as if to clear it. "Um, it doesn't help with the Charlie situation if an unexplained Volvo is left in the driveway."

Ah, how little she still knew me. There was still so much left for her to flee from terror over.

"I wasn't intending to bring the car," I explained.

It was only after I opened my mouth that I realised my comment would create questions for Bella. The ever curious Bella.

"How –" she started to ask.

I interrupted her. The answer would be hard to explain. A demonstration was needed, and now was hardly the time.

"Don't worry about it. I'll be there, no car."

She put her head to one side, and looked for a second like she was going to press for more, but then she seemed to change her mind.

"Is it later yet?" she asked, reminding me of our unfinished conversation from the cafeteria today that I was hoping she would have forgotten. Of course not. Not my Bella. No, she had let go of one difficult question just to return to another that was just as unappealing.

"I suppose it is later," I agreed unwillingly.

Why did she always have to ask the questions I didn't want to answer? It seemed like a gift meant to torture me. Perhaps this was a part of my atonement. There were worse types of punishments.

I parked in front of her house. I honestly wasn't sure how to answer.

She waited with the same polite interested mask she'd worn at lunch. If I'd been less anxious, her preposterous calm would have made me laugh.

"And you still want to know why you can't see me hunt?"

Please say no I silently begged her.

"Well, mostly I was wondering about your reaction."

That gave me pause. Had she been afraid of me? Was she now? She didn't have the usual indicators of fear.

"Did I frighten you?" I asked, positive that she would deny it.

I paid close attention particularly to her scent to see if I could pick up any changes in her internal chemistry.

"No," she answered emphatically.

I had been right again. I tired not to smile, and failed. "I apologize for scaring you." And then my smile vanished with the momentary humour. "It was just the very thought of you being there … while we hunted."

As best as I tried I could not stop the image of what would happen to Bella if she was near enough. All of Alice's images of Bella dead by my hand certainly didn't help.

"That would be bad?"

The mental picture–Bella so vulnerable in the empty darkness; myself out of control–was too much. "Extremely."

I tried to banish the images from my head.

"Because …?"

Why Bella do you insist on asking the most difficult of questions. I took a deep breath, concentrating for one moment on the burning thirst. I felt it, managed it, proved my dominion over it. It would not rule me; I willed it to be true like I had since I had returned to being vegetarian. She would not die at my hand. These past weeks proved that I had managed. I stared at the clouds wishing that my determination would make any difference if I were hunting when I crossed her scent.

"When we hunt … we give ourselves over to senses," I told her, thinking through each word before I spoke it. "Govern less with our minds. Especially our sense of smell. If you were anywhere near me when I lost control that way … "

I shook my head in agony at the thought of what would–not could, but what _would_ –surely happen then.

I listened to the spike in her heat beat, and then turned, restless, to read her eyes. Despite her discomfort, I hoped the danger she was in was beginning to sink in.

Bella's face was composed, her eyes grave. Her mouth was pursed just slightly in what I guessed was concern. But concern for what? For my anguish? Or that the monster within in me yearned for her blood so strongly? I continued to stare at her, trying to translate her ambiguous face into sure fact.

She gazed back. Her eyes grew wider after a moment and her pupils dilated, though the light had not changed.

My breathing accelerated, and suddenly the quiet in the car seemed like humming, similar to the darkened biology room this afternoon but lessened in intensity. The pulsing current raced between us again, and my desire to touch her was briefly stronger than my thirst. Despite Carlisle's warning, I wasn't even sure how that could be possible.

The throbbing electricity made it feel like I had a pulse again. My body sang with it like I was human. In that moment, more than anything in the world, even her blood, I wanted to feel the heat of her lips against mine. For one second, I struggled desperately to find the strength, the control, to be able to put my mouth so close to her skin …

She sucked in a ragged breath, and only then did I realize that when I had started breathing faster, she had stopped breathing altogether.

I closed my eyes, trying to break the connection between us. _Enough_ , I said over and over. This, attraction, was far deadlier than the monster. I had decades of practice of caging the monster. This just seemed to take over my body despite my greatest intentions to stop it. I had no experience with this and I could not have Bella be the guinea pig. How many men had died at my cousins' hands before they had perfected their interactions with humans?

Bella's existence was tied to a thousand delicately balanced chemical processes, all so easily disrupted. The rhythmic expansion of her lungs, the flow of oxygen, was life or death to her. The fluttering cadence of her fragile heart could be stopped by so many stupid accidents or illnesses or … Atonement or not I had to find someway to leave before I broke her or worse.

Most of our kind prized immortality above anything else. There were even humans who craved this, who searched in dark places for those who could give them the blackest of gifts … Not us. Not my family. But none of us, not even Rosalie, had ever been as desperate to be human as I was in this moment.

I stared at the microscopic pits and flaws in the window shield as if there was some solution hidden in the glass. The electricity had not faded, and I had to concentrate to keep my hands on the wheel. My right hand began to sting without pain again from where I had touched her before.

"Bella, I think you should go inside now," I said softly.

She opened the door at once without comment getting out of the car, and shutting the door behind her. Whatever bubble that had temporarily encased us burst. Did it hurt her to leave, as it hurt me to let her go? Was this her no? Was she going to send me away now? If she didn't, I would see her tonight. I took comfort in that. She said nothing, simply walking towards her door. I didn't know what to make of that, but I figured I wouldn't guess. I would have to wait for her to speak. I smiled at the awareness of how much I had changed. Then I rolled the window down and leaned across to speak to her one more time–it was safer now, with the heat of her body outside the car.

She turned to see what I wanted, curious. She was still curious, though she'd asked me so many questions over the last two days. My own curiosity was entirely unsatisfied; answering her questions today had only revealed my secrets–I'd gotten little from her but my own conjectures. That would change.

"Oh, Bella?"

I watched as her featured morphed into a hesitancy. What did that mean?

"Yes?"

Her heart rate had increased infinitesimally more possibly indicated nervousness on her part. Did I make her nervous? I should.

"Tomorrow it's my turn," I explained.

I watched as her forehead puckered and confusion was colouring her features.

"Your turn to what?" she asked with a touch of nervousness in her tone.

I watched carefully wanting to determine what was making her nervous.

"Ask the questions," I responded seriously.

Tomorrow, when witnesses would surround us, I would get my own answers. I grinned at the thought and turned away because she made no move to leave. Even with her outside of the car, the echo of the electricity zinged in the air. I wanted to get out too, to walk her to her door, to stay beside her …

 _Enough._ I hit the gas, and then sighed as she disappeared behind me. I seemed like I was always running toward Bella or running away from Bella, never staying in place. I would have to find some way to hold my ground if I was going to have any peace. It was at that thought that the reality of what I was facing at home hit me. Well, I wasn't going to get peace at home. My immediate desire was to run away, but I knew that would be foolish. It would accomplish nothing. I turned the car towards my family trying to understand how Bella's presence could have given me such mental reprieve and trying _not_ to think about what I was facing.


	37. Chapter 37: Looking Brighter

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.**

 **The reference of Carlisle referring to Esme as apple comes from Miki Mouse In Blue Jeans's story Faith & Love with her permission.**

* * *

I didn't speed home as I usually would have. I knew avoiding my family wasn't advisable, but I would have been happier to side step what was next. My dominant emotion was nervousness, especially the part where Esme's house suffered. I had a lot riding on the house remaining in one piece. And I was nervous that I would say or do something culpable given my inability to control myself since Bella joined Forks.

Despite the slow speed, it didn't take long before I was within my mental range of the house. I knew it was coming and attempted to block them out entirely. I wasn't used to blocking them out like this. Sure, I often tuned them down, so it wasn't such a distraction, but then when they wanted to speak to me telepathically their inner voice would automatically increase in volume. I was attempting something else entirely. This was like trying to ensure the reception wasn't received. It had worked moderately well at school today, but then all the human's thoughts aided in my endeavours. I was uncertain on how well it would work at home.

When I got close enough my hearing picked up practically no movements in the house increasing my nervousness. Given our proclivities to behave humanly even at home, there was nearly almost always movement–human twitches we jokingly called them. I worked at calming myself as a nervous Jasper wouldn't help the situation.

As I pulled into the garage I heard Esme's gait drawing near. I was surprised. If anyone were to confront me upon my arrival, I had expected it to be Alice.

"Edward," Esme stated as I got out of the car. Her tone caused me to cringe.

I was certainly in trouble. I reminded myself of my commitment that I would come home and take whatever consequence bestowed upon me and I would _not_ respond physically even if provoked. I summoned up my courage, turned towards her, went over to her, and looked straight at her. If Esme's looks were any indication of what was in store for me, it didn't look good.

"No matter what happened at school today we are _not_ going to talk about it until your father comes home." She spoke much louder than necessary and it seemed like her statement was as much to remind my siblings as it was for me.

I swore her tone caused me to reverse in years. I was internally shaking as if I had become five.

 _I like my house the way it is, Edward._

With her proximity and direct eye contact her mental voice had overcome me. I ducked my head. Ah, Alice must have relayed in detailed precision her vision to Esme to reduce the likelihood of that vision coming to pass. I appreciated that Alice had done so, even if it wasn't for my benefit. I was equally committed to thwarting that vision. If only I could be successful today …

"Edward," Esme called me to attention.

"Sorry mom," I mouthed.

If she wanted to conduct this mentally I wasn't going to object and I didn't want to face Esme's wrath if I decided to mentally ignore her. Given my news I wouldn't do anything that might upset her further.

She looked up at me sternly.

 _I want a direct answer or, so help me ...  
_

I could feel my eyes widen. Never before had she threatened me like this.

 _Did you take the oilcan to Bella's so that you could sneak into her room?_ Her mental tone was gentle but there was steel behind the warmth.

My face immediately fell and I suddenly found Esme's shoes very interesting.

"Yes, I did, mom." I could hear the chagrin in my words.

I am an idiot. Why did I ever think I could keep this from Esme? If Esme knew, then did Carlisle? I was mortified.

 _You've spent every night since you stopped your runs in her room?_

"Yes." My voice was beginning to shake.

 _Are you having close contact?_ Mental pictures of Bella and I kissing and intimately touching slid along images of me touching and kissing her in chaste ways while she slept.

On one hand I was humiliated that she would think such things about me. On the other I was chuffed that she believed I could do those things without hurting Bella.

I took a deep breath pulling Esme into my lungs–the woman who loved me. The taste of her scent reminded me that I was loved and wanted. She wouldn't send me away for this. I was almost certain that was true. I looked Esme in the eyes. I wanted her to have no doubt.

"No, ma'am," I breathed. "I wouldn't." I spoke the last two words with conviction, but so quietly I couldn't even be sure she could hear me.

She looked at me poignantly. "Obviously, we have a lot to talk about." There was warning in her tone that I had never heard before. _That better be the case. The human youth are not of our era and you better not be getting any modern ideas. I know your first mother raised you to be a gentleman and I expect better than that kind of degenerate behaviour from you._ She paused seemingly arranging her thoughts. _Hear me well Edward Cullen, if I ever get the slightest inkling that you are doing anything, and I mean anything, with Bella Swan without her permission so help me I will find a way to make sure that you are a eunuch for the rest of your existence. You court her properly or not at all. Am I clear?_ Her eyes had a violent undertone that I had seen once when Maria showed up unexpectantly in Calgary.

I nodded my eyes wide in terror.

As she paused I considered that not once in her speech had she even briefly considered that I might slip and drink from the sweet nectar that is Bella's blood. She was fully and completely treating me as if I were nothing more than a 17-year-old teenaged boy. Esme had ever made me feel so human. I was honoured and grateful and terrified, not that I ever had any intention of being anything less than a gentleman. Her eyes returned to the gentleness I knew and respected.

 _I trust you, Edward. I do. You've always been nothing but respectful to every female we've ever met, but even the most respectful gentleman can get lost in passion and attraction._

"You are to stay in your room and not leave it," she instructed sternly.

 _I really like this house._

I appreciated the mental addition. It seemed to erase all the worse-case scenarios that had managed to enter my brain at the utterance of her words.

"Yes, Mom." I instilled the right amount of guilt and deference. It wasn't difficult. I did feel guilty and I knew how much she liked this house. She had put a lot into it. Like my music, the house was her expression.

"And do your _best_ to stay away from everyone's thoughts," she added for Rosalie's benefit, no doubt.

I was happy to do that.

I added more guilt to my voice. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Good."

 _It'll be fine, Edward, but Alice assures me this is the best way_.

I nodded my head. "I'll be in my room."

I wanted to prove Alice's vision wrong too.

I jumped, scampered the wall, and entered my room from the window. It was unnecessarily defiant. She hadn't told me _how_ to go to my room. I could hear her shake her head and then let out a long breath. She must be worried. I briefly considered listening to her thoughts, but remembered my assurance given just moments ago. I _would_ do my best, and that meant no searching out. But right then I felt Alice's mental voice pressing to get in. As much as I was dreading what she might say, I couldn't bear to ignore my sister who might just be my only ally in this debacle.

 _It really is for the best, Edward._ Then she showed me in rapid secession all the scenarios she had tried. This was the only one that stood a chance at all. _Once you've heard me,_ and a vision of me throwing a book across the room at the wall without the wall being damaged entered. I did as requested and then enacted my mental blockage.

 _I love her too_ was almost whispered. I don't know if Alice meant me to hear that. What did she mean _I love her too_? Did Alice believe that I loved Bella? I understood Alice loving Bella like a sister. I still wasn't sure _why_ she wanted to love a human like that, but Alice didn't live life logically. The vision showed her that she would love Bella, so she did. It was that easy for Alice. But how could she think that _I_ loved her? Sure I felt some affection for the girl, but that didn't mean I _loved_ her. How could I love the very being whose blood demanded my attention like no other? I had no way to understand what Alice was thinking and I wasn't going to ask her. I needed a distraction. The best thing was music. So I selected some jazz and tried to immerse myself in the tunes. The music worked except to eradicate the memories of the electrical current that had coursed through me. It would not be ignored. My finger throbbed occasionally despite my best attempts to get it to stop until I heard Carlisle's thoughts push themselves into my brain.

I had always found it nearly impossible to keep his mental voice out as soon as it came into proximity. It was like my brain called to it instinctually. I had wondered over the years if that was because he was my sire. For not the first time I was absurdly grateful that Carlisle Cullen and no one else held that role in my life. If it was anyone's thoughts that my gift insisted on being heard, I couldn't have picked a more gentle and kind mental voice. Even now it soothed me as it had when I had first awoken. His thoughts were the same as they always were when he came home from the hospital reviewing the cases from his day.

I worked at pushing his mental voice back behind the blockade as I heard his car come up the drive. I became tense and nervous anxiousness filled me. I listened intently as I heard him pull into the garage, come into the house, and enter his study. After what felt like centuries had passed, I heard Esme go into his space and greet him. They embraced. She asked about his day and patiently listened caringly with her big heart about how he was handling the tougher cases and if there was anything she could do for the patients. As sweet and enduring as the exchange was it felt as if the whole house was on pins and needles. Would they ever get to it? Eventually I could hear the subtle shifts in conversation.

"What is it, apple?" he asked with great care and gentleness.

I heard Esme take in a deep breath.

"It was a bad day at school, evidently. Rosalie was quite upset. Emmett and Jasper seem shaken, and Alice, well is Alice." There was a short pause. "I sent Edward to his room, Alice and Jasper choose to be in theirs, and Rosalie and Emmett are a little ways off. I promised to get them when we were ready."

Well, that was bad if Rosalie was not even in the garage. I hung my head.

"Ah." Nearly instinctually as if his thoughts were critical for my well-being I called them forward. He had images of our conversation last night as we had driven to Port Angeles in his head. "Okay." I heard him take a deep breath. And I focused on keeping my word to Esme and pushed his thoughts away again. "Well, if you don't mind, would you be willing to collect them, while I finish up here. I'm sure I'll be ready by the time you get back."

I could hear them embrace and then I worked to focus on the sound in the music in case they decided to be more intimate. Not too long after I heard Esme leave.

"Edward," I heard Alice say half-way between a plea and a scolding. I brought her mental voice forward. _We should go down_. _And turn off the music. It won't help._ Bossy psychic, but I did as requested. I decided that mental blockades wouldn't work if we were to all be the same space together, so I focused on my older method of coping with living in a house with three pairs.

Shortly after Alice and Jasper entered our dining room and took their regular spots. Jasper looked weary. I wished there was some way to protect him from the emotional onslaught that was coming.

Alice looked at me fiercely. She didn't like seeing Jasper like this, and it was my fault, not entirely, but enough. She knew that better than anyone. I would take whatever beating my family wanted to dish out, even from Rosalie. As my memory recalled all of my missteps that had brought us to today I was filled with remorse. A remorseful expression might even help Rosalie, so I let the emotion flood my face. Jasper looked at me poignantly. Right then Esme walked in with Rosalie following behind and Emmett within arms length to grab her as necessary. I wondered if Esme had warned them about her house as well. Probably.

Just as Esme walked in, Carlisle did also. Now that we were all assembled everyone but Carlisle stared at me. It seemed that Rosalie was unable to contain herself. Before Carlisle could start things in his regular way she started screaming at me. She spoke aloud what I had heard many times prior in her thoughts. Somehow, having those words spoken made them seemed more real, as if I were really as bad as she made me out to be. I looked at my hands that were on the table, paying particular attention to the finger that had touched Bella. Then Rosalie started insulting Bella. Without thought I went to rise up and I heard Alice scream inside my head, _SIT DOWN, EDWARD._ Then another vision of the house in ruins.

 _Edward, calm down. Rosalie has a right to her feelings. You know how protective of the family she is,_ Carlisle was gently admonishing.

 _Please, Edward, I couldn't bear it if one of you got hurt._

 _You should have expected this. This is Rosalie after all,_ Jasper reminded me.

 _Bro, don't make me defend my wife against you._

Fortunately at the moment Rosalie's verbal and mental tirade were the same.

I imagined their voices as different radio frequencies and turned down the volume as far as it would go. I had frozen at Alice's warning. Then in measured centimetres I forced my body back into my seat, making sure I was in control.

It seemed that whatever look Esme gave Carlisle concerned him enough to raise his hands in surrender. I had been too focused on my own movement to notice what it was exactly.

"Please stop, Rosalie," he pleaded softly.

He looked at me and waited until we had eye contact wanting my full attention. _We wouldn't have gotten anywhere without her venting a little first. I am impressed that you sat there without even flinching for so long. Bella really has changed you, hasn't she?_ Then he slightly shook his head. I couldn't tell if it was in response to his thoughts or for Rosalie's sake.

After a few more choice statements she did stop talking, but she was still in full force internally. The sensation of touching Bella and its lingering effect was a helpful focal point. Despite the intensity of Rosalie's thoughts, I was able to keep them at a low hum level.

He looked back at Rosalie, "Thank you. I know things are heated right now." Then he looked at each of us in turn. "Your mother says something happened at school today. Would someone please fill me in?" Then his mind took that open curious stance he did when he was trying to solve a puzzle. I turned it down again and kept a study of my finger. I already knew the reality of the situation. I didn't want to hear their admonishments, irritations, frustrations, or even concerns.

I heard Rosalie move to speak even before I could, but Jasper beat her to it. I would guess it was Alice's doing. He usually wasn't the first to speak. His voice surprised and stilled us all.

"Edward had lunch with Bella again today for the second time. It was clear from the conversation that she knew that we don't eat food, that our skin has a reaction to the sun, and that we hunt animals, in that order. We _all,_ remarkably in my humble opinion, were able to hold ourselves together until we got home this afternoon." His tone was crisp and precise.

Carlisle nodded thoughtfully. I felt his gaze on me.

"True Edward?"

I nodded keeping my eyes on my hands.

"Anything else?" asked Carlisle.

"Yeah," grumbled Emmett, "he told her about us hunting in Great Rocks Wilderness. If we can't trust him to keep things to himself …" He moved his gaze from Carlisle to me. "He knows more than the rest of us." Then he looked at Rosalie. He was defending her honour. As her mate he should. I wondered if he spoke so Rosalie didn't have to. Maybe all of us were committed to not upsetting Esme. That would be something. Could we all equally commit to keeping Bella human? I thought about reaching out with my mind and looking into Emmett's, but decided against it. In this case, less is probably more, I resolved. Instead I looked at my hand to aid me in keeping their thoughts incoherent in the background. Even from this distance Bella was indirectly bubbling me. What was an odd thought to consider.

"So, we have two issues here: the quantity of Bella's knowledge about us and a concern that Edward can no longer be trusted to be discrete?" As he looked around the table examining each face, he asked, "Anything else?"

No one answered.

"Regarding the first part, I have to take some responsibility–"

"–no, Dad," I interrupted. I felt his gaze upon me. I looked up to see a stern expression. _Not everything that happens is entirely your fault, Edward._ I decided it would be in my best interest not to argue, and turned my gaze back to my hand and once again tuned his voice out.

It sounded like he had turned his head towards the family again. "When Edward came near to the Port Angeles serial rapist I told him to go to ensure Bella was safe hoping that doing so would stop him from acting on his impulses. I asked him to return home by sunup. This morning would have been a more ideal time to address this first point. It was unfair to each of you, especially given today's events. Unfortunately I got called into the hospital early, as you know, and I believed the conversation could hold. I was wrong. We will have now the conversation that obviously should have happened this morning." I felt his gaze turn to me. "Edward, please detail to them as you did to me last night the extent of Bella's knowledge."

I chanced a glance at everyone. All except Alice and Esme were surprised. See, I told myself, I have been keeping my promises, well, at least the one I made to Carlisle.

Keeping my eyes down I explained. "After I took Bella away from that gang of scum intent on tarnishing her, I asked her to dinner because I was concerned she might go into shock. I didn't want her to faint or have any other untoward reaction that might require medical assistance. She was very curious about my timing. She guessed at my mind reading ability. I decided to tell her, as it has nothing to do with our nature and therefore didn't risk our secret. I had hoped doing so would explain any other concerns or questions she had thereby giving us some measure of protection from what she did know about our nature." I paused briefly as I heard the intakes of breath, head shakes, and sounds of surprise. I briefly considered examining what they were thinking about Bella guessing my gift, but then decided better of it given what else I might hear. I heard Rosalie shift in her seat like she was going to say something. I could feel their gazes. I guess Rosalie couldn't contain herself.

"What the hell then, Edward?" She said my name like it was a curse.

I hung my head even more so, choosing to focus solely on my finger, and muttered, "It was one of Ephraim Black's descendants, an adolescent who didn't believe the tribal stories. He was merely trying to impress her."

A large collective growling filled the space. Jasper's was the most pronounced. Esme and Rosalie had a shocked tone to theirs. Everyone froze bar Alice, Carlisle, and I. I waited. I heard them one by one unfreeze–Jasper first, then Emmett, then Esme, then finally Rosalie. As they unfroze their thoughts had quickened in speed and gotten louder. I struggled to keep them toned down.

Carlisle's thoughts were the first to come through by the smallest of margins. They were soft; compassion filled his mind for his family and for the tribe. As always they grounded me reminding me of whom I wished to one day become. Maybe one day my first thought would be compassion rather than murder. In one part of my mind I wondered if perhaps Carlisle was right that my friendship with Bella was a gift allowing me to take one step closer to that goal. Was it possible that my response to all that had happened in 1950 with my human friendships had impeded me? Could it be that Carlisle's human comradeship with his colleagues aided him? Words that Carlisle had spoken to me shortly after those tragic events came to mind. Distractions would not be helpful at the moment. I decided to end this line of thought and focus entirely on what was happening around me.

Ironically Jasper's thoughts were the clearest and strongest. This was his gift beyond empathy. He responded quickly under stress his mind even sharper. His thoughts were a combination of the little he knew about the tribe, risk assessments, and strategies. He had already read the treaty since he had requested to do so before we moved, but he was uncertain where telling of a tribal myth to an outside might fit.

 _Now, that wasn't so hard, was it brother? Why do you insist on doing everything the hard way with so much drama? One day I might get tired of saving your sorry excuse for a behind._ I internally smiled at Alice's teasing, but there was a hardness to her tone that I didn't fully understand. And I didn't know how to answer Alice's question.

Esme's thoughts were a tumbled mess of images of keeping us safe and protected. But under that was a peaceful surrender that, if I had Jasper's gift, I might label as faith.

Emmett's thoughts were like, _See I told Rosalie Edward would never betray us._ Then he was trying to work out what the consequences for us might be. _Rose doesn't want to move_ was his predominant thought over everything else.

Rosalie was appalled, her anger now directed to the defenceless tribe miles away.

I concentrated again at turning the volume down on them all.

"It was an innocent accident, therefore we are to consider the treaty still in tact." I heard Carlisle turn to us each in turn lingering in Jasper's direction. "I have already given significant thought about how to remind the elders of their promises and need to keep their youth in line. I'm sure Alice," I heard him turn his head towards her, "will be glad to assist me in finding the best course to have that conversation."

"Of course, Carlisle," she responded.

"Whatever action proves to be best, I will inform you all before I take it." We all nodded consent. Then he turned to me. "Edward, could you please detail everything Bella knows about our nature?"

I decided to keep my gaze at my hands as I attempted to explain. "I'm still not 100% certain what she was told since, as you all know, I can't read her. I do know that it was enough for her to conclude that we are vampires." They paused marginally. "She's quite observant, as you saw today at lunch. She knew that I was fast and strong, that I was cold to the touch, that we didn't come to school on sunny days, and she hypothesized that I didn't eat. The youth told her that we drink animals' blood, that we are not as dangerous as the rest of our kind, but that the tribe stays away just in case. She took her observations and the youth's legends and drew the conclusion." I paused not daring to look up before I went on. "At first I attempted to place doubt and refused to confirm her conclusion. But then she stated that she was certain I was inhuman and ultimately it didn't matter to her _what_ I was."

Jasper, Esme, and Emmett collectively drew in a breath.

"Stupid idiot of a girl what does she know," Rosalie was muttering almost too quickly to be heard.

"I knew then that refuting her wouldn't make an impact," I continued. "She already knew too much and had made the _wrong_ decision. She was, of course," saying the next word with defeat, "curious. She asked why we deny our nature. I had assumed that no one here objected to me explaining." I heard no disapprovals about that part. "Since the information she came across didn't make sense to her, she wanted to know why I hadn't been at school when it was sunny. She had, naturally, assumed and then queried me about common myths. I had merely answered that I would show her sometime." I paused choosing my next words carefully modelling myself after Carlisle, "but if you object to me doing so, I will recant." I listened to them carefully. "I was hoping showing her would instil some fear regarding us, actually."

"Edward," Esme chided.

"She believes we're not _dangerous_ , Mom. Some fear would be good."

I could hear Esme and Alice shaking their heads in disagreement with my assessment.

"That is also why I was so frank with her today at lunch. I was hoping to shock her out of her benign attitude." I made sure my voice was full of sincerity. "I do apologise that doing so was upsetting, that was not my intent." There was a long pause.

Carlisle looked at me until I raised my head and he looked into my eyes. _I'm proud of you, son. More maturity than I have seen you exhibit since her arrival. I think it would be best if you also explained your sentiments towards her._

I pushed the thoughts back and returned my gaze to my hand before anyone could add their two cents.

I did not want to comply with Carlisle's request. I was not ready to be _that_ transparent.

"I should also mention something else."

I could feel their gazes upon me.

I took in an unusually deep breath tasting each of them in my lungs. This was my family. I loved them. Their scents on my tongue were like coming home –familiar and somehow comforting. No matter how often we moved and the world had changed these intermingled scents had coloured my world. Would they still be here after I revealed what came next?

"I've already told Esme and Carlisle." I took another long pause. I wondered if they were feeling now as I did with Bella, just wanting her to hurry up. The thought brought a smile, but I stifled it. This was not the time. "The first time Bella and I touched, it was at my finger tip. It was an accident when we were doing a lab in Biology, the first day back to school after I returned from Alaska. An electric current went through my finger up my arm." I paused again, but this time for not as long, and shifted my gaze towards Carlisle looking at his hands resting on the table. "And today when we watched _Lorenzo's Oil_ in Biology the same current vibrated out from her and through my whole body."

I went back looking at my hand working at not hearing their thoughts. Whatever their reaction, I couldn't take the words back now.

"The whole class period?" Carlisle sounded like an eager young scientist trying to uncover a mysterious lab result.

"Just when the lights were off," I answered muted.

He nodded thoughtfully slow like a human would in the middle of a calculus equation. "How far apart?"

"Where the chairs are normally situated, an inch and three-eighth approximately."

"Any fluctuation?"

"It seemed to strengthen over the hour." My voice was detached robotic.

"Did Bella experience anything similar?"

"I can't say for certain as I did not inquire, but she maintained the exact same position as me and did not deviate for the whole hour."

"Not at all?"

"Other than her eyes, no, not in my visual range anyway."

"And you had no other physical contact prior?"

I searched my memory. "One other. In the restaurant she lightly made circles on the back on my hand while I was trying to find a way to explain why I was in Port Angeles and just saved her from _that scum_." I spit the last two words out.

"Hmm." He looked at me surprised. "She reached out?"

I nodded.

"And didn't recoil?"

I nodded. I could hear the dis-ease in the rest of the family.

Esme finally stepped in. "Darling, you're behaving as if your _son_ where a subject of study."

"Ah, yes. My apologies. That could have waited." _Forgive me, Edward?_

I nodded.

I sure was glad no one could read _my_ thoughts and betray what I _wanted_ to do to Bella especially after the warning Esme had given me. I shuttered at her graphic threat.

Esme looked impatient. "Will you please fill the rest of us in?" she looked at him imploringly.

"I just never thought … with a human … it would be possible." Her expression caught him. "Sorry dear. It just is challenging some assumptions I've had." He shook himself as if to dispel whatever world he had inhabited. Then he looked at us all. "Apologies. That was very rude of me."

We all chuckled. His childlike wonder had lightened the mood. Carlisle couldn't be rude if he tired.

"So, then, anything anyone needs to add thus far?" He looked around the table. When he got to me he added, "any additional comments?"

Everyone was silent, some shaking their head slightly side to side.

"Then we should address the second concern. With more facts on the table, would anyone like to address any specific aspect?"

No one volunteered anything.

"Since … Bella … already knows what we are, I trust that Edward will explain the specifics of what that means to her in the best way he sees fit. He is, of course, free to give her whatever information about his telepathy as he desires." He looked at me waiting for my gaze. When I looked up I saw the seriousness. "And I trust that Edward will answer Bella's questions concerning us as individuals honestly but discretely." _You've always been a gentleman about what you know from our thoughts. I expect you to continue that behaviour, no matter your sentiments towards her._

"Yes, Dad."

I dropped my gaze appreciative that my family's more contemplative manner made it easier to keep them toned down.

"Any objections?"

Stillness. "I do have a question, though," Jasper added.

Carlisle nodded.

"Forgive me for stating the obvious. Her being in contradiction to the _rule_ places us in a very precarious position. When we talked about moving here and your previous dealings with the tribe, you presumed that they would not be a risk, as the wolves you made the treaty with were dead. Although the latter part is certainly true, the former part doesn't look to be the case. This situation contains a higher quantity of risk than I am comfortable."

Carlisle sat contemplative for quite a while. "Jasper, thank you for voicing our present situation so clearly. We certainly have more risk here than other places we've lived. No one can doubt that. You are a great strategist, and any input you have on this matter is welcome. We need to keep in mind, however, that we live at peace here. I can see no reason why the Volturi might become involved at this point. Many tribes across the globe have stories such as this one, and the Volturi have let them be. And Bella, although certainly constitutes a higher risk than previous humans we've encountered has thus far kept her word and told no one about us even before she had a full picture. Please offer whatever ideas you might have to reduce our exposure."

"None that are tenable," he said tersely. He paused. He motions stilled as if nervous about what he was about to say next. "Except to change her. Alice had already seen it. Now that Bella knows it would be the safest course of action."

He was right of course from a strategic point of view, but he didn't value humanity like Carlisle did. Everything inside of me wanted to refute him, but I knew Carlisle would do a better job than I, so I kept my mouth shut.

"Yes, Jasper, there is truth to your assessment. However, I have already made my position clear. However, none of us knows for certain what the future holds, perhaps something beyond our control will happen to make Alice's vision come true."

I felt as if the venom had run out of my body. He had articulated my worst fear. What if I wasn't able to keep her safe? What if fate was conspiring against me? This stood in dark contrast to how I saw the world. There was no such thing as fate. There was only choice. Carlisle chose to change me and I would not allow Bella to be changed. It was that simple.

During my musings Carlisle had been taking in each of us. "We live differently from our kind. Bella has proven her willingness so far to keep our secret. Jasper is right, though. This is the riskiest position we have ever put ourselves. We each are dependant on each other in order to keep our family safe." He looked directly at me. I met his gaze quicker this time. "We each are responsible for our part." _That included keeping an eye out for possible thoughts that stray too close to the truth. You can't allow your sentiments for Bella to cloud your responsibilities._

Yes, I knew that, and I'd failed. I knew that I had. I had been too wrapped up in my own drama. My eyes fell ashamed.

He looked at Rosalie. "Rosalie, do you have anything else you want to add?" She sat for quite awhile moving her eyes between Carlisle, the table, and me.

Finally she answered, "Nothing for now."

"This has been difficult on us all. Our kind generally does not respond well to change, and we've had much change over the last seven weeks. I can see that it has strained our bonds. That is understandable. Yet, despite the events we are all here. I'm sure Jasper, more of all, can contest to the improbability that seven of our kind would face such a challenge and remaining together. Please remember that us sitting here as a family tonight demonstrates what we each work hard to protect and defend." Then he looked at each of us starting with me on his right. We each nodded. He was right, of course. Our bonds were strong. We would weather this storm together. A gift, I reminded myself. I might not deserve my family, but it was a gift.

Rosalie and Emmett left first going out the back door and travelling far enough that we couldn't hear them and their thoughts were out of my range. I imagined it would take Rosalie a while to reconcile things.

A little while as Alice and Jasper left she caught my eye. _You went too far today, Edward. I love Bella, but if I can be patient, so can you._ She was right, again. I had said too much in my agenda to push Bella into seeing my world clearly. It hadn't been the time or place. Certain things could have waited. More failure.

I made sure everyone was in the background again.

Once they were in their room Esme looked at me deeply, "Are you okay?"

No. I'm not okay, but I didn't know how to express the conflicting reactions happening within me. The pull towards Bella verses the connection to my family. Something must have come through on my face because she suddenly looked like she wanted to hold me. Instead she grabbed my hands from across the table.

"I'll be okay, Mom."

"Things would be simpler if …"

"I know, Mom, but I _can't_ do that to anyone, especially when she has her whole life ahead of her."

Esme nodded slowly a sad resigned yet contemplative look on her face. I was curious what her look meant, but decided to give her privacy.

"Have things changed regarding courting her?" Carlisle asked abruptly.

Esme's eyes burrowed into mine.

"No. We are attempting friendship. I asked if she would like to go to the meadow with me on Saturday, as Alice said it would be sunny on both sides of the Sound so Seattle isn't a good option. Bella accepted." I looked at the finger that had touched Bella wrapped by my mother's hands.

"You will be on an unchaperoned outing? How is that not courting her, Edward?" Carlisle asked with a tone that seemed reminiscent to my human father.

I gulped and my face fell. I really hadn't considered that. I could feel them waiting for me. I stilled from nervousness.

"Honestly, I wasn't thinking about that. We had planned to go to Seattle. Alice told me when I came into the lunchroom today that the Sound would be sunny. It was a spur-of-the-moment option. I was merely picking a place where we would be out of the public eye."

My look must have communicated something my words had not because when I looked at his face he had a mischievous glint in his eye under his concern that I did not understand.

"Yes. It is obvious that you were not thinking it through. It's not like you to be flustered like that." I swore he was trying to hold in a grin. "Will you be able to manage being alone with her?" Carlisle asked with nothing but concern, everything else gone.

"I believe I can, but I'm not certain."

Esme looked worried.

"That's quite a risk," Carlisle commented.

I nodded. "I know," I breathed nearly silently.

"Will others know she will be with you?" he asked.

"Her friend–another junior," I explained.

"What about her father?" his concern growing into distress.

"I've tried to convince her, but she has refused to tell him. She seems to call her own shots and insists that her father does not need to know."

He shook his head remembering parent/child relations of his time and his observance of them over time.

"Yes, modern children do appear to not need much approval for their behaviour."

"I hope to convince her soon of the impropriety of the situation, but she is stubbornly pigheaded about certain things. I am not yet sure the best approach. So far my attempts at having her see reason have ended in catastrophes."

Now both my parents seemed to be attempting to smoother a giggle.

I looked back and forth between them. "What?" I asked irritated. I considered searching their minds, but decided against it. They were certainly processing my failures and I didn't want to hear it.

"You can be fairly stubbornly pigheaded yourself," Esme pointed out jovially.

I should have been offended, but the way she said it eased the pain of her admonishment.

"Edward, we will talk about precautions regarding this outing and perhaps a chaperon as it draws nearer," Carlisle stated calmly but without room to argue in his voice.

I swear Esme was fit to explode in joy. It would be highly irritating if it wasn't so sweet to see.

"Yes, sir." I agreed reluctantly. I could understand the precaution, but how many years had I walked this earth. It wasn't like I was still actually 17.

"Anything you need to mention that hasn't already been said?" Carlisle asked.

"No, nothing else."

Emse raised her eyebrows in surprise. I drew her mind forward too curious about her thoughts for my own good. _He must have told Carlisle on the way to Port Angeles. I expected Carlisle to object._

Esme's belief in me coming clean filled me with guilt. It wouldn't take Carlisle long to learn the truth.

 _-ward, I know we're asking a lot of you, son. You're doing fine. I trust you. Doesn't hurt to be precautious. I know this is all new, but her presence in your life has gifted you a lot._ I had brought his thoughts forward before I intentionally meant to.

"Will you go to her tonight?" He imagined me sitting outside her house in a tree, while Esme imagined me in bed with her.

I couldn't bear to see his disappointment tonight after his accolades. I'd have to tell him another day.

"Unless you have an objection." I listened to his thoughts carefully. "Being around her scent regular has helped. Even wearing the jacket that she borrowed made the bloodlust easier to contain."

 _Are you certain, Edward, that there's nothing more to it?_

I nodded at Esme.

She looked dubious.

"Interesting," Carlsile replied while his mind was in search to an answer to this new puzzle.

"Yes. My life is nothing short of interesting." I tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. I was hoping he would fill me in about his questioning, but he didn't. He probably hadn't reached any conclusions. He had never not shared his conclusions before no matter the topic.

"Well, then. Be good," there was warning in Esme's voice, "but do try to find a way to make it up to your siblings." She said the last part light-heartedly but sincerely a teasing tone barely audible. There was the slightest wisp of a muddied image of Carlisle in bed with a younger looking Esme. I hoped it was nothing short of a young human girl's imagination, since I had never seen anything like it in Carlisle's memories.

"I will, Mom." A smile spread across my face at the idea of being near Bella soon.

"Thank you," I said as I ran out the door. I hoped Alice knew I was talking to her too.

I was, if nothing else, thrilled at the fact that the house was standing. I had thus far beaten back the monster and kept him caged. Not one of Alice's visions of Bella dead by my hand had yet to come true. And now another one of Alice's visions had been thwarted. Bella would return home from the meadow alive and then I could be confident that Alice's vision of Bella as a newborn vampire would also never come to pass. Had Carlisle just, once again, told our family that Bella was staying human? My new two foundational stones were becoming more cemented. Things were looking brighter.


	38. Chapter 38: Questions

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.**

* * *

By the time I got to Bella's she was already in bed sleeping, but fitfully. I had checked the neighbours and myself before entering. Tonight the bloodlust was the easiest it had been. Her legs looked like they had wrestled with the sheets and lost–bits of flesh were visible in the tangled mess, but I had no idea how to untie the knots without waking her. Her covers alternated between being wrapped up tightly in her hands as if they were a life preserver and being thrown aside as if they were on fire. She frequently said my name. Her body alternated between nearly frozen states and moving like her whole body had a current running through it jolting her nerves and muscles into involuntary spasms.

Watching her was difficult. This time it wasn't the monster torching me, but a sense of powerlessness. Despite my speed, strength, and telepathy I had no way to comfort her. I was not able to protect her from this unseen enemy. It unnerved me in a way that I couldn't understand no matter how many times I went over it in my mind. To add to this emotional challenge every hour or so Bella would jolt awake and look around the room as if she had forgotten where she was. Once she had sat up. Each time I heard her breathing change I was forced to climb out of the window and up onto the roof where I would then wait for her to fall back to sleep. This requirement of suddenly leaving multiple times made me feel like I was a night thief. Esme' warnings thumped in my head each time. I saw no other solution to my predicament than if, perhaps, one day, she would ask me to stay. Maybe then I could tell Carlisle.

Finally with only a few hours before she needed to rise, she feel into a deep restful sleep. I took that as a queue that I was safe from her waking and settled into the rocking chair. I reviewed the earlier conference with my family. This was now our third since Bella's arrival. It was an ominous sign. A few things stood out. One, I couldn't believe how well I had been able to keep my family's thoughts, especially at their intensity, from invading as much as I had. I had never been able to do that before. It was the greatest weakness of my gift, especially when it was just my family and their thoughts were laced with strong emotion directed at me. Fortunately that had rarely happened over the years, but it had happened enough for me to know that there was a significant difference last night. The only added variable was Bella. I wasn't sure how her being in my life could have aided me with control of my telepathy, but I had no better ideas at the moment. Also, I wasn't sure how I had done it, so I wasn't sure if I could replicate it. If my supposition was correct, she really was a gift. I pondered the benefits of talking to Carlisle about it. I was certain he would be intrigued.

The other thing that stood out was that although they hadn't agreed with how I had handled certain moments, they didn't seem to be disagreeing to what Bella knew vehemently, yet anyway. Most surprisingly, none had verbalized any resistance with my physical reaction to Bella's presence. Apart from Rosalie's tirade, it seemed that the only true objection to Bella's yes was from me. Perhaps I needed to relook the situation over from another angle. They seemed to be seeing something I was not. But I wasn't ready to explore those possibilities tonight. Maybe after I brought her back alive from the meadow.

What I was focusing on was being _that_ Edward. Carlisle was right that I didn't deserve the gifts I was being given and I could work at being worthy of them. It seemed only reasonable that part of demonstrating my worth was in the first cornerstone I had come to–keeping Bella human. Until she sent me away, that would always demand the burning of my throat in payment. Resisting the constant call of her blood, the evidence of her continuous survival wouldn't ever bring back the lives I had taken, but maybe it could be a small recompense. It reminded me of the one life I had saved. I certainly deserved worse.

Jasper concerned me the most. Rosalie was the most vocal, but wouldn't dream of challenging Carlisle. Jasper's comment, "nothing tenable" made me think that the only thing holding him in place was Alice's love of Bella, and even Alice wasn't pleased with me. I knew the best way to make it up to Alice was for her to meet Bella. I internally groaned. I really didn't want Bella and Alice to become friends. Intuitively I knew that if that happened Bella would become even more ensnared in my world, which might extend the time it would take Bella to say no. Saying no to me was one thing; saying no to Alice was another thing entirely. I had no good options anywhere I looked.

On the bright side, I the next two days would be spent with me questioning Bella. Apart from answering my insatiable curiosity about her, this would allow me time with Bella without any undo concern from my siblings. I hope it would help aid in healing the mistrust I had engendered. Additionally, the more that I knew about Bella and how her mind worked the safer we all would be. I hoped that as time progressed any remaining concerns could be soothed–Jasper's especially.

I left at my regular time and thought about all the questions I had for Bella while I ran home, took a shower, and got ready for school. I entered my room from my window and stashed my Bella-scented clothes again. With Esme knowing that I spent the night in Bella's room I was trying to think of a way to ask her to wash my stash without my siblings knowing. Of course, as soon as I had entered my family's range I began picking up their thoughts. They were all engrossed in their own activities, so I simply tuned them down as I commonly have done.

I thought about my intention to pick Bella up for school again. This time, I decided not to go through Alice; she'd taken the brunt of enough of my stunts lately. With extreme reluctance I went to Rosalie and Emmett's door, ensuring before I got near that I wouldn't be interrupting anything uncomfortable, and knocked lightly.

"Come in, Ed," Emmett stated defensively.

He knew I hated being called Ed. I was certain he was doing so to remind me of his irritation at me. His thoughts were still protective of Rosalie. He didn't have to worry. I hadn't come to fight.

Rosalie was yelling _Go away, Edward_ , but as usual I pretended that I couldn't hear.

"Rosalie," I said softly and gingerly.

She looked up for the first time since I had opened the door.

I felt standing in the doorway was safest, just in case.

"What do you _want_ jerkface?"

"I was hoping to drive Bella to school again, and I wanted to come and make sure you'd be okay driving everyone else in today," I attempted with my gentle soothing tone I had only previously tried on Bella.

I doubted anything would work on Rosalie right now, but I didn't think it would hurt. I missed having Alice to check.

" _What_? No disappearing and just expecting that I will do your bidding?" she asked with heavy sarcasm.

"No."

Surrender seemed like the best option, at least about this. I looked at my hands. The sensation in my finger reminded me why I was humiliating myself like this.

"If you'd rather I drive, just say the word. Up to you," I concluded.

She looked at me highly suspiciously. This was certainly a new tactic and she looked uncertain. "No, it's fine Edward. I'll drive the four of us."

 _Maybe he's trying to make it up to me. I don't know why he's doing this. It'll all end up in regret anyway._

I smiled gratefully now. "Thanks Rosalie. That's very generous of you."

As I turned around and closed the door I caught Emmett's eye.

 _What has gotten into you, bro? I don't mind you talking like that to my Rose, mind you, but, what gives?_

I shrugged as I fled to my car, and left before Rosalie could change her mind. I didn't know what had gotten into me, really. It seemed like strange behaviour for attraction or even for affection. On some level I was aware that my usual explanations for my uncharacteristic behaviour were failing. I didn't have any good answers, but I didn't want to think about it right now.

When I was in earshot of Bella's house I parked, placed myself a few blocks away, and listened to her getting ready for school. From the sounds I guessed that her and her father were in the kitchen eating breakfast when her dad brought up the topic of Saturday. She worded her responses so that she wasn't lying, but still concealed her plans. I would have to watch her for that.

The rest of their conversation was fairly amusing with him attempting, awkwardly, to ask her if she liked anyone at school. Chief Swan's thoughts were conflicted and, as usual, sporadic. It seemed that he wanted her to have someone in her life while he simultaneously wanted to shoot anyone that came within ten feet. She explained why she wasn't interested in the dance, while she carefully and successfully avoiding telling him anything about her interests. I equally admired her ability to navigate the conversation and was upset that she didn't tell him about me. I had told my _whole family_. Under duress, but I had told Carlisle and Esme on the day of the car accident. So much for her argument that she cared for me more than I her. I considered confronting her, but decided against it. She had already shown that she didn't like when I listened in.

Her father left. When she sounded close to being ready to go I was in her drive. I reminded myself to be careful where I parked in the neighbourhood so that my Volvo didn't start garnishing attention. Honestly, the sooner she told her dad the better. It was beginning to gnaw at me, not to mention it being inconvenient. Why was that? Did most modern adolescents tell their parents about their friendships? Rationally I knew that my reaction to her father not knowing about me was disproportionate to the circumstance. Why was I reacting this way?

I was so lost in my thoughts that I failed to open the door for her. Her scent sailed in pulling me from my musings and oddly calmed me. A smile came to my face as I relished in my burning. Every day my throat burned was a day that I got to pay my remuneration and she was still human. What did I do to be worthy of such gifts?

"Good morning," I greeted her. "How are doing today?"

I looked carefully at her face to see if there was any remaining evidence of her restless night.

"Good, thank you," she answered.

It seemed like a perfunctory response, which bothered me. I wanted transparency, but I knew that wasn't Bella's custom.

I studied the colour of the area under her eyes and compared it to other days. They seemed darker this morning.

"You look tired," I commented.

I look in a deep breath and counted her heartbeats.

"I couldn't sleep," she confessed swinging her hair around her shoulder as if she needed protect from the truth with nearly no time lapse between her comment and the movement.

I wondered based on its quickness if it was an unconscious movement like her biting her lip. She had hid herself behind her hair on multiple occasions when we were first introduced. I wondered what that might signify. I added it to my list of questions. But I didn't want it her to feel like I was interrogating her as I already knew that would result in the opposite reaction that I was hoping, so instead I teased her.

"Neither could I."

I started the car and manoeuvred towards school.

She laughed. It was the first time she laughed when I meant for her to. Progress.

"I guess that's right. I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did."

Good. Closer to full honesty.

"I'd wager you did," I replied.

I replayed the images of her last night. I wished I knew what she had been fighting in her dreams.

"So what did you do last night?" she asked.

No way did I want to answer that question. Good thing it was my day for questions.

Her laughter, increased honesty, and the fact I got to avoid her question put me in an unquestionably good mood.

"Not a chance. It's my day to ask questions," I teased again.

Her brows came together and lines appeared on her forehead. "Oh, that's right. What do you want to know?"

I had already decided to start with the most standard questions when forming a friendship.

"What's your favourite colour today?" I asked remembering how easily she evaded questions making sure to be specific.

"Probably brown," she answered.

This was an odd answer. Was it brown or not? Her addition of probably made no sense to me. And brown was not a girl's favourite colour. So I mentally dismissed her answer.

"Brown?" I asked with uncertainty.

I tried to come up with a reasonable explanation for such a response.

"Sure," she responded her voice deepening. "Brown is warm. I _miss_ brown. Everything that's supposed to be brown–tree trunks, rocks, dirt–is all covered up with squishy green stuff here." By the end she was complaining.

I considered her rant. It explained her sometimes night time expressions of "too green." I'd always wondered what she was talking about when she said that. Okay brown. Her eyes seized me. As I stared into her chocolate irises I couldn't help but agree.

"You're right. Brown is warm."

I didn't want her hair obstructing their view, so I considered tucking it behind her ear. I had touched her hair before without any side effects. Deciding this was safe; I reached out carefully repeating to myself to be gentle and swept it back behind her shoulder. In the midst of this action I noticed my hand's desire to move to her face before they did so. A mental picture of the sensation I experienced the last time I touched her filled my brain. _Enough._ I forced my hand back to the steering wheel when her hair was in place.

I parked and turned to her asking the now sixth question on my list.

"What music is in your CD player right now?"

Her music was all from clear jewel cases with no labels. It had been driving me nuts. When she said the name of the band it surprised me. I smiled at us having more music in common. First Debussy and now this. I opened up the compartment under the CD player, pulled out the CD to which she had named, and handed it to her.

She examined it, smiled a knowing surprised smile, handed it back to me, and slowly like she didn't want to leave the car opened the door. I had replaced the CD to its usual location and moved to open her door, but again she didn't wait for me.

Rosalie's car was already here. I smiled slightly. I bet Rosalie was enjoying the attention driving it gave her.

I walked Bella to class beginning to ask her about movies. I met her after class and walked her to the next class still discussing her favourite movies, why, what she liked about them, what she didn't like, and why. After dropping her off I went to my class. Emmett was already sat at his desk.

 _The girl?_

I nodded.

"We cool?" I whispered at a low human level.

"Yes." _I still think you're crazy. You should have kept your mouth shut. Rosalie's still on a war path._

"I'm sorry. This morning help at all?"

"Actually yeah." _Now_ she _thinks you've lost your marbles._

"Well, that's something." I considered how honest I wanted to be with Emmett. "I meant it, Em." He looked at me doubtfully, but then shrugged his shoulders.

"Naw. Rose'll get over it. It was bound to happen anyway." _With what Alice sees coming_ …

Alice's visions were not what I wanted to think about right now. I stared forward, my teeth locking together. Bella was alive. I had defied the vision of that first meeting. The house stood. I would defy the others. Bella _will_ leave the meadow alive, and she will _not_ be turned. Two down, two to go, but I needed a distraction. I remembered my plan from yesterday to give my gift to Angela. Now just to convince Emmett.

In our sub-human murmur I asked, "I know I don't deserve it, but would you do me a favour anyway?"

"What is it?" he asked, curious.

At a speed that my words would have been incomprehensible to a human no matter how loud they'd been spoken I explain to him what I wanted.

He stared at me blankly, his thoughts as blank as his face.

"So?" I prompted. "Will you help me do it?"

Finally his thoughts started working again. _But, why?_

"C'mon, Emmett. Why _not_?"

 _Who are you and what have you done with my brother? First the girl …_

"Aren't you the one who complains that school is always the same? This is something a little different, isn't it? Consider it an experiment–an experiment in human nature."

He stared at me for another moment. "Well, it _is_ different. I'll give you that … Okay, fine." Emmett snorted and then shrugged. "I'll help you."

I grinned at him, feeling more enthusiastic about my plan now that he was on board. Rosalie could be difficult, but I would always owe her one for choosing Emmett; no one had a better brother than mine.

Emmett just needed his lines, which I gave him at the same rapid speed.

In perfect timing Ben had just sat down in his seat behind mine, assembling his homework to hand in. Emmett and I both already had ours ready. The classroom was not quiet despite the bell just ringing; the murmur of subdued conversations would continue until Mrs. Goffe called for attention. She was in no hurry, arranging the quizzes from the last class. This was our opportunity. I made sure to bring Ben's thoughts forward.

"So," Emmett said, his voice louder than necessary–if I was human and he was only speaking to me. "Did you ask Angela Weber out yet?"

The sound of papers rustling behind me came to an abrupt stop, Ben's attention suddenly riveted on our conversation.

 _Angela? They're talking about Angela?_

Good. First step complete.

"No," I said, shaking my head slowly to appear regretful.

"Why not?" Emmett improvised. "Are you chicken?"

I grimaced at him. "No. I heard that she was interested in someone else."

 _Edward Cullen was going to ask_ Angela _out? But … No. I don't like that. I don't want him near her. He's … not right for her. Not … safe._

I hadn't anticipated the chivalry, the protective instinct. Great another male student who believed that I wasn't safe to the female population, but that wasn't the issue here. I'd been aiming for jealousy, but whatever worked.

"You're going to let that stop you?" Emmett asked scornfully, improvising again. "Not up for the competition?"

I glared at him, but made use of what he'd given me. "Look, I guess she really likes this Ben person. I'm not going to try to convince her otherwise. There are other girls."

Ben seemed to be in stunned silence.

"Who?" Emmett asked, back to the script.

"My lab partner said it was some kid named Cheney. I'm not sure I know who he is."

I bit back my smile. Only the haughty Cullens could get away with pretending not to know every student at this tiny school.

Ben's head was whirling with shock. _Me? Over Edward Cullen? But why would she like_ me?

"Edward," Emmett muttered in a lower tone, rolling his eyes toward the boy. "He's right behind you," he mouthed, so obviously that the human could easily read the words.

"Oh," I muttered back.

I turned in my seat and glanced once at the boy behind me. For a second, the black eyes behind the glasses were frightened, but then he stiffened and squared his narrow shoulders, affronted by my clearly disparaging evaluation. His chin shot out and an angry flush darkened his golden-brown skin.

"Huh," I said arrogantly as I turned back to Emmett.

 _He thinks he's better than me. But Angela doesn't. I'll show him …_

Perfect.

"Didn't you say she was taking Yorkie to the dance, though?" Emmett asked, snorting as he said the name of the boy that many scorned for his awkwardness.

"That was a group decision apparently." I wanted to make sure Ben was clear on this. "Angela's shy. If B–well, if a guy doesn't have the nerve to ask her out, she'd never ask him."

"You like shy girls," Emmett back, back to improvisation. _Quiet girls. Girls like .. hmm, I don't know. Maybe Bella Swan?_ He was laughing profusely at his own joke internally.

I grinned at him. "Exactly." Then I returned to the performance. "Maybe Angela will get tired of waiting. Maybe I'll ask her to the prom."

 _No, you won't,_ Ben thought, straightening up in his chair. _So what if she's so much taller than me? If she doesn't care, then neither do I. She's the nicest, smartest, prettiest girl in this school … and she wants_ me.

I liked this Ben. He seemed bright and well-meaning. Maybe even worthy of a girl like Angela.

I gave Emmett a thumbs-up under the desk as Mrs. Groffe stood and addressed the class.

 _Okay, I'll admit it –that was sort of fun_ , Emmett thought.

I smiled to myself, pleased that I'd been able to shape one love story's happy ending. I was positive that Ben would follow through, and Angela would receive my anonymous gift. My debt was repaid. Too bad my murderous rampage wasn't so easily compensated.

How silly humans were, to let a six inch height differential confound their happiness.

My success put me in a good mood.

 _You and_ your _human girl still going to be alone on Saturday?_

I did my slow shrug.

 _Can you even not kill her?_ He shuttered at the thought of being alone with a human with no one around to stop him.

I shrugged again.

 _Great. Don't give Rosalie that answer. For my sake, make sure you bring the girl back alive._

I nodded slowly.

Then Mrs. Goffe had us work on the next assignment in pairs, and Emmett went back to his talking in Spanish with a Tennessee accent and thinking rude translations.

As soon as the bell rang I was up out of my seat. "Thanks, Em. You're the best brother, ever." And then at a quick human pace went to meet Bella.

On our way to her next class my questions transitioned out of movies and into books. During third period I spent most of the time checking in with Ben's thoughts, and Jessica's.

After the third period I met Bella outside her class and we walked to lunch together. We discussed books all through lunch. I had to strain in concentration, but I managed not to allow Bella to consume my focus. As I listened to her answers and asked my follow up questions, I gave a portion of my brain over to scanning the students' thoughts checking as Carlisle has asked me.

There was some increased jealousy regarding Bella and I spending lunch together. Some of the verbal gossip about us seemed to die down, but thoughts were still rife with speculation. It seemed that most of the junior class believed that we were more than friends. My conclusion from what I heard was that most people disliked me and, by extension, my siblings more, but somehow my interactions with Bella had fortified my humanness in their minds.

My siblings were back to their usual verbal banter as if yesterday had never happened. I missed it, but I knew my time with Bella was fleeting. Jasper's thoughts had been focused on getting through the day without killing anyone. I could only hope that my lack of monitoring him had increased his own vigilance. I felt bad that I wasn't there helping him stay straight as I had been for the last 55 years. Then I remembered my promise that I wouldn't put him in the position of being hovered over again. I decided that perhaps my lack of attention was what he needed. It was a convenient rationale, but I liked it.

Emmett was just Emmett. Rosalie was still furious, but her mental tone seemed more … conflicted? … she was still ranting at me almost non-stop, but some of the edge was gone. This was a moment where I wished I could borrow Jasper's gift. Maybe Emmett was right and my approach to her this morning had made some difference. Alice was occupied with watching Jasper's future, no longer having me as backup. She was really who I'd let down. I considered introducing her to Bella. Just at that moment her visions of Jasper's possible futures stopped and I watched her run down our stairs and run towards Bella. It was fairly grainy, but still.

 _Does that mean I can say hello now?_ she asked me immediately.

Knowing how observant Bella was and not wanting to appear that I wasn't giving my full attention to her, I didn't answer Alice in any way. I didn't really _like_ the idea, but I did need to find some way of making up with Alice. I decided to put some serious thought onto that after I dropped Bella home.

As lunch finished up I was sufficiently satisfied with my questions regarding books, for now, so I moved onto more obscure favourites–flower, tree, season, gemstone, etc. As we were walking to Biology it was her gemstone answer that caught my attention because as she answered she went scarlet. She naturally resisted my request for her to explain.

I decided to use my newly confirmed ability to dazzle her on purpose, but she stubbornly refused to meet my eyes. She could be irritatingly frustrating sometimes.

"Tell me," I finally commanded.

I needed new skills like the ones I tried on Rosalie this morning, but now wasn't the time to acquire them. I needed her answer.

"It's the colour of your eyes today," she relented sighing, while she fiddled with a piece of her hair staring at her hands. "I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I'd say onyx."

I thought about warning her again about becoming involved with me, but she hadn't listened before, and I'd promised to respect her choice. Now after my siblings nonplus responses regarding the current between us I felt like I was fighting the temperature. At the same time, a warm soothing feeling filled my core that her answer was because it matched my eyes colour. She had been paying attention. It was nice to have someone pay that much attention. So, I just went on to the next question with only a noticeable pause.

The questions had kept my mind busy and had ensured that my body didn't betray me. I kept the appropriate distance between us and the desire to reach out and touch her was distracted. That was until Mr. Banner pulled out the movie again. As he approached the light switch I moved my chair slightly further away from Bella hoping, but doubting, it would help.

As soon as the lights went out my body was filling with the current. It started from the finger which had touched Bella yesterday and moved up my arm, back down into each finger, across my back into the other arm and fingers, then simultaneously down my back into my legs and through each toe while also moving up my neck and into my cranium. It was a steady rhythmic pulsing that incrementally increased in strength over the hour. My whole body now wanted to reach out and be physically in contact with Bella. Her heat that rolled off her and crashed into me persistently without any cessation added to the craving.

The sensation was jolting, invigorating, and arousing all at the same time. This increased physical yearning also increased the craving of her blood, thereby making it harder to keep the monster in its cage. I was being ripped and torn into so many directions simultaneously that it took every bit of restraint I had to cross my arms and keep my hands in fists as I had yesterday.

I chanced a glance out the corner of my eye at Bella and found her leaning forward on the table resting her chin on her folded arms with her fingers gripping the table's edge. She never once stole a glance in my direction. I assumed that was intentional. My father's questions last night took on new meaning. Assuming she was feeling something similar to me, what would that mean since she was human? My love for my family and need to maintain their safety, more than anything, kept me pinned to my chair and my body rigid. I reminded myself of the risk they were all taking and the faith they had placed in me.

Despite the invigoration the current brought, the other aspects made the experience gruelling. The end of the hour couldn't have come soon enough. I stood not daring to say anything to Bella for fear that the multiples wars I had fought over the last hour might spill out in some way. Just like yesterday I walked her to gym in silence. And just like yesterday, I debated the whole way whether or not to give in to the wanting of touching her. I came to the same conclusion, despite the lingering repercussion. I tried something slightly different, mostly because I wanted to discover if the remaining physical reminder of our contact would reoccur. This time I took the back of my hand while chanting the mantra about her being as fragile as glass and stroked her face once from her temple down to her jaw.

As soon as my skin made contact a bolt of current went through my hand and flowed through the same path as during Biology. It was so intense that all other sensations ceased. I couldn't hear anything, smell anything, taste anything, see anything except her face, feel any contact with my skin, even the air, the typical buzzing noise of thoughts was silent, and my brain was still. Nothing mattered but her. Her eyes drew me into their warm comforting place, and a sense of peace and stillness filled my essence.

Some part of me knew that I was staring at the ceiling absently my eyes unfocused, even the ability to count the imperfections like I had done pre-Bella gone, but my awareness of this only happened as my senses began to be restored. First was my sight. I began to be able to take account of my surrounding. I was in my last class of the day. My conclusion was that rote memory must have brought me to my seat in my class. Fortunately, I also registered that this was fairly at the beginning of class, and commanded my brain to remember to appear human.

About a third of the way through class my sense of smell began to be restored. The scent of humans assaulted my nose, then tongue, then throat, and lastly lungs. This stimulated my taste, and the textures and tastes of the air began to register. Yes, certainly they were blood-filled vessels, but even the monster registered that their blood would be only marginally more appealing than a carnivore in comparison to Bella's. As my smell and taste became restored it was if the venom flowing through my veins had been reawoken along with the monster.

Then a little over half way into class my hearing was restored. The teacher was talking, papers were being shuffled, a fly was buzzing in the room, the florescent lights were humming, the material on clothes were being rubbed together, it all ran crystal clear. Seconds later it expanded and I could hear, albeit somewhat muffled by the wall, all the sounds of the classrooms next to us, and the hall. Then further and further until it was completely restored. The noise was both comforting and overwhelming. I fought the urge to cover my ears with my hands. I felt, in many ways, as if I were just coming into this existence again. Fortunately, it only took .48 of a second for my brain to reacquire its capacity to sort through the plethora of information and push to the background all but what was needed. Thank goodness I was able to do that faster than the first time I had woken.

Seventeen minutes and 48 seconds later I began to wonder if my telepathy would return. This was in stark contrast to when I had woken up in 1918 only to have every thought in a half-mile radius flood me at once. I didn't want to wait for it to manifest anymore. I recalled how to search out a person's mind. I ruled out searching for Bella's mind since my gift didn't work on her. I wished Carlisle were here. His mind I knew the best, and it was comforting. Instead, I reached out for Alice's. Ten long seconds later I was beginning to panic. All these years of wishing I didn't have my gift. Now I realised it was like smelling. It had become a fundamental aspect of my nature. I didn't know how to be me without it.

 _Jasper's nearly made it through the day … still looking good …_ Then flashes of possible futures for the remaining minutes of class.

Sweet heaven above! Her sing-song high soprano voice filled me with joy and I wanted to jump in jubilation. Fortunately I also remembered how to contain what I silently heard so that others would not grow suspicious.

 _Only 10 minutes and 17 seconds left of class. Another day of this awfulness._

 _Class is almost over … I wonder how many students will be at the car today …_

 _If I took sheet metal and wrapped it around the ball … No, that would be too heavy then it wouldn't fly right …_

I barely had time to rejoice at the relieving symphony of hearing my siblings together when every voice in range filled my head. That feeling of being suffocated nearly overran me before my brain was able to also push every voice into the background and the reassuring sound of a constant cocktail party became a distant hum. I reassessed myself. I felt almost myself, but even the parts that had been restored felt different somehow. It felt fresher yet simultaneously like playing a piece of music that your fingers know without instruction.

At the bell I walked towards gym to meet Bella being especially careful not to come into physical contact with anyone. I was still finding everything a little overwhelming. I leaned against the gym wall in my now customary place going through the list of questions I had made, crossing off the ones that were answered, and determining where we had left off. As soon as Bella spotted me a smile filled her face so that even her eyes were smiling. I couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm.

With each step she took towards me the air filled with the sweet seduction of her scent. It moved like silk in the breeze. I was enraptured, drawn in like a moth to the flame. A few more steps and she would stand just enough distance away that nothing would be left but her. And then I could finally have the sweetest ambrosia to have ever walked this earth.

 _EDWARD!  
_

I instinctually lifted my head towards my name. Thanking all that is holy for Alice I saw her at the end of the hall and locked eyes with her. I awoke from my stupor and quickly realized my need for a distraction. I hadn't been more grateful for Alice as I was in that moment. I nodded discriminately.

 _You're welcome_ she replied her tone irritated.

Once Bella was within appropriate range, I asked my next question. As we walked to my car keeping my previously determined safe distance, her heartbeat filled my ears and her heat touched me.

Nervously I gingerly touched the handle of my car. Stunned I discovered that my sense of touch had been restored. That was convenient timing. Her scent was just as alluring as it had been all these weeks. My throat burned as it had the first time we'd met, the desensitization that I had grown accustomed to wasn't working. The monster had been returned to its cage, but the momentary release had strengthened it. I turned to my questions for aid. Her answers distracted me from the lure of her scent and aided me in my struggle with the monster. As I drove Bella home and we sat in her drive, I attempted to have her describe in excruciating detail the place that she had left, what she missed, and why she missed it so much. Then I moved to her describing her room here in Forks in equal quantity of detail having her add all the parts that had puzzled me.

At twilight she had answered the latest question and I was lost in thought over this day.

"Are you finished?" she queried.

Of course she was hoping to turn the tables again, but for many reasons least of all my curiosity, I needed more time with her talking.

"Not even close–but your father will be home soon."

She had a strange combination of surprise, confusion, and wonder on her face. Then her cheeks turned slightly pink. "Charlie!" She sighed and her face turned contemplative. "How late is it?"

"It's twilight," I answered compulsory and looked toward the western horizon. My mind was full of today's events and the significance of this twilight over others. Eventually I could feel Bella staring at me. I looked deeply into her eyes willing for her to understand this part of me, "It's the safest time of the day for us. The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way …" I contemplated how to explain this, "… the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?"

This is why I am a creature of darkness, of shadows, the day and the light is not where I naturally dwell. I smiled in thought of how different this twilight was for me.

"I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars." Then she frowned. I was going to ask what was sad, but she explained, "Not that you see them here much."

I laughed at the thought that maybe that's how she saw me: a bright light shining in the darkness. It wasn't a wholly unpleasant image no matter how inaccurate.

"Charlie will be here in a few minutes. So, unless you want to tell him that you'll be with me Saturday …" I raised an eyebrow hoping otherwise but expecting her answer.

"Thanks, but no thanks." She grabbed her bookbag and moved slower than normal. I wondered if she was all right. She turned to me. "So is it my turn tomorrow, then?"

"Certainly not!" I teased while fawning outrage. Her face fell, dejected. "I told you I wasn't done, didn't I?"

Already I was excited about the prospect of learning more about the enigma that is Isabella Swan.

"What more is there?" her tone nearly at a defeated whine.

So much that I wanted to know. I wasn't even sure her lifetime would be long enough to answer all my questions.

"You'll find out tomorrow."

First, a bit of suspense would hurt her. Second, I seemed to be getting more truthful answers when I gave them to her rapid fire and she didn't have much of a chance to contemplate the answer. I reached across the car to open her car door for her without thought. My body wanted some excuse to be nearer to her and somehow I forget the strength her pull had over me.

Suddenly her heart was frenzied as if she was sprinting for her life. My old question came to mind, attraction or fear? Since I could most likely rule out fear, attraction seemed to be the logical answer. Interesting. I was certainly attracted. My attraction to her might kill her, and from the sound of her heart her attraction to me might kill her. Her options weren't looking good, but they hadn't from the beginning and she had said yes.

I was just beginning to go over all the times I had heard her heart create a similar sound when I felt a sickening pinprick feeling like the venom running through me was standing on edge. My body froze and my jaw clenched as I turned intuitively towards the direction from which it came.

"Not good," I muttered as my mind raced trying to decide the best course of action.

"What is it?" she asked surprised.

I briefly glanced at her, "another complication," I answered glumly.


	39. Chapter 39: A Bit of Good News

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.  
**

 **The reference to Nick is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction.**

* * *

I commanded my body to move. I flung the door open and backed away from Bella. With the warning signals my body was giving me being caught with her in my car didn't seem like a good idea, especially since only hours before her scent had lured me into killing her _again_. I knew after getting to know her today the guilt would consume me. Perhaps these were the incentives I needed to keep my body to myself. If I could just leave her … The pull this girl had over me was astoundingly ridiculous.

I began to be able to pick out Chief Swan's muted garbled thoughts. It was something about a game, and perhaps friends joining him.

I could hear approaching cars and what sounded like three heartbeats growing in nearness, one an adolescent. The feeling that my venom was prickling was increasing. The only reasonable hypothesis I had was that my body perceived these humans to be dangerous in some way–most likely related to the wolves we had encountered the last time we lived in Forks. If I was right, chancing a confrontation if I stayed was just too high of a risk. Carlisle would not appreciate a violation of the treaty. How many times had he made that clear since we moved?

Just then headlights came around to where Bella could see them. I decided the best way to expedite my leaving was to leverage her desire to minimize her father's questions.

"Charlie's around the corner," I warned.

Once Bella closed the door I revved the engine and sped away in the opposite direction not daring a backwards glance. I knew my behaviour might raise questions with Bella, but I would deal with that later.

Despite Bella's dislike of my listening into her life, I couldn't abide by her preference this time. My family were too much at risk, and I had made a promise to them. This was my duty as the telepath and for the risks I had brought over the last weeks. I needed to find a place to park where I would still be able to hear the sounds from the house. Nothing came to mind. This was the same problem I had when I came near to Bella's house before she was ready to leave for school. I drove the Volvo out of town a bit and parked it down a rarely used dirt road and ran back. It was dark enough I knew I would not be seen.

As I drove I called Alice. I explained my decision hoping that doing so would aid me in my quest to get back into her good books and asked if she would advise me as needed. She agreed, but was disgruntled, as the near future was hazy indicating that decisions had yet to be made.

Between being in a densely populated area and never having met these individuals before, I was unable to call forward their particular inner voices.

By the time I got close enough to Bella's house I heard Bella say in a defeated tone, "Edward Cullen."

Knowing her, she probably was upset at having to give this small statement away.

I smiled as I ran getting closer to the tree line.

Whoever she was talking to laughed. "Guess that explains it, then. I wondered why my dad was acting so strange."

I was now able to pull the mental voice that matched forward.

 _She really is a nice girl … I wonder if she'd go out with me … probably not … girls don't want to date younger guys …_

It was obvious that her charms had worked on him. Great! Another contender for Bella's affection.

I could see Bella through the kitchen window with the younger guest. He was certainly a Quileute by the looks of him, which supported my hypothesis of him being a descendent of one of the wolves. Even from this distance I could still feel my uneasiness of his and his father's proximity.

I weighed the probability that this young Quileute might have in winning Bella's affection. He seemed to have more advantages than those at school. One, it sounded like there was already a friendship established, no matter how shallow. Two, as Bella had mentioned, her father had friends from the tribe. They probably had spent time together when she was younger. Perhaps he would provide the incentive Bella needed to say no to me. Nevertheless, I really didn't need to hear another young man's admiration of Bella, so I sent his mental voice back into the cocktail party of background chatter.

If she was in the kitchen, Chief Swan was most likely in the … I would guess … front room with the older guest watching a game on the television. As the window into that room faced the street I had no way to get clear line of sight. Instead, I carefully listened to Charlie's voice and caught the tenor of the voice responding. They were talking about how local people were doing and the game. I didn't know any of the names, but Carlisle might, so I filled them away just in case. As I listened to the older Quileute's voice, I pulled his thoughts forward.

I could nearly always hear Chief Swan's thoughts if I was near, but they were easy to ignore. At the moment they were merely flashes of the game and the individuals they had spoken about.

– _know? Argument or not, I can't stand by while Charlie's daughter might be in grave danger. I just need to find the right way to bring it up._ Possible scenarios ran through his head.

"That's right," I heard Bella respond to Jacob. "He doesn't like the Cullens."

I was fascinated at how she said that. It was if she appreciated the reminder to be careful around the elder Quileute in order to protect us from him. It was admirable and strange. It was as if she had forgotten she was of his species. Not to mention the fact that my family didn't need defending from one elder Quileute.

 _I wonder which one it is. Does it matter? They're all the same bloodsucking heartless monsters anyway. Perhaps I should call the coven leader instead._ _Would he even listen? They fool all the Forks people._

"Superstitious old man," the younger Quileute muttered.

 _They are good at pretending to be human. I'll give them that. What for? What's their agenda? Is befriending Bella a part of their game to lull the townspeople into a false sense of security before they kill us all?_

"You don't think he'd say anything to Charlie?" Bella asked in a quiet rush that had the slightest hint of concern.

 _I wonder what their game is. If I had become a wolf, then perhaps I could do more to protect those I love._ The elder Quileute had images running through his head of a car accident and a woman that I guessed had been his wife, dead.

A part of my brain wondered why Bella would be concerned that the older visitor might mention something to her father. I pondered if part of her avoidance of telling her father about me was because his opinion of me held sway over her. I hadn't considered that possibility before. I searched my memories. It held nothing regarding the liberties of young females. I knew Esme had married her human at her parents' request. Would Bella be beholden to similar rules? It appeared from media that modern young females had more say in their lives than that, but how much and in which ways? Could I count on the media to give an accurate portrayal? I wasn't going to find the answers tonight, so I set them aside.

After long gruelling seconds the younger Quileute answered, "I doubt it. I think Charlie chewed him out pretty good last time. They haven't spoken much since–tonight is sort of a reunion, I think. I don't think he'd bring it up again."

This was good news for us–having the Sherriff defending us again a friend. This revelation also meant taking necessary steps to keep ourselves in Chief Swan's good graces. Consequently, I would have to be even more careful navigating my friendship with Bella. Certainly keeping her alive was a good place to start. It also helped give me a small possibility as to me why Bella was positively responsive of me–perhaps her father had conveyed to Bella his support of us Cullens. This was fraught with horrible possible outcomes.

Bella walked with the younger Quileute to the front room and watched the game removing themselves from my view.

The elder Quileute seemed to be attempting to clear his mind of his memories by focusing on the game.

Chief Swan's thoughts were spotty images of the game, what I would categorize as being pleased to see his friend, and excitement about their children's possible pairing. His hope for a relationship between his daughter and this young man made my friendship with Bella seem even riskier. Perhaps I could use this to my advantage. If Chief Swan was hoping for a courtship between Bella and the younger Quileute, then perhaps once Bella told her father about me he would insist Bella send me away despite his defence of my family. The thought pained me in a way that it hadn't before today, but I knew this friendship could never last. Certainly fathers still had a say about the gentlemen that their daughters entertained. Right? I wasn't sure. Honestly, I hadn't been paying enough attention to human rituals in this regard over the years. I would have to sift through the thoughts of modern youth stored in my brain another time. Perhaps then I would have some insight. Her father's rejection of a friendship between Bella and I certainly wasn't the way I had expected Bella to say no to me, but it could work none the less.

Eventually Bella called the younger Quileute Jacob and I received the confirmation I needed. These were Ephraim's descendants. That certainly explained the prickly feeling I had from having them near. I had experienced something a thousand times worse when we made the treaty with Ephraim. No doubt the reaction was because his blood runs through theirs no matter how diminished that might be.

Bella sat through the whole game making light conversation with the younger Black. I was fairly certain she had homework and usually she was very responsible. It was odd behaviour for her. I considered adding it to my list of questions.

As the light conversation came to an end and both fathers watched the game, the elder Black return to his ruminations. He ran through all the possible ways to warn Bella about what we were without breaking the treaty. It seemed highly ironic given the fact that his son had already violated that clause.

Just as a precaution I allowed the younger Black's thoughts to come through again. They were focused on trying to find a way to spend more time with Bella.

"Are you and your friends coming back to the beach soon?" he eventually asked.

"I'm not sure," she answered.

I couldn't tell if she had read his hidden agenda in his words. Probably not given her inaccurate view of herself.

The game ended and things were obviously wrapping up.

"That was fun, Charlie," the older Black offered.

 _I wish Charlie didn't have to be so stubborn. That man … sometimes … well, maybe next time I can say something. There just didn't seem like an opportunity tonight._

"Come up for the next game," Charlie encouraged.

"Sure, sure. We'll be here. Have a good night." Billy said to Charlie. "You take care, Bella," he directed at her with a serious tone.

 _I wish there was some way to keep Bella safe. Maybe Jacob could help me … but he doesn't believe in the tales … young people … no respect … What to do about Bella? … I love her like she was one of my own …_

Him warning her about me would be a good thing, I thought ruefully. His disappointment certainly showed his commitment–despite his genuine care for Sheriff Swan and by extension his daughter Bella–to keep the terms of the treaty. That was good. And I certainly wouldn't object to Bella being warned. I had failed to send her away. Perhaps he would get through to her.

"Thanks," she muttered.

The front door closed and I heard Bella's feet move towards the stairs.

Then Charlie called out to her, "Wait, Bella."

She stopped her movement and sounded like she had turned towards him.

"I didn't get a chance to talk to you tonight. How was your day?"

I would have left since the Blacks were no longer a danger to Bella, but I was curious.

"Good," she answered and then hesitated. Finally after endless seconds she added, "My badminton team won all four games."

I chuckled softly. She was unbelievable. Such a random detail to share. This is what she had done to Jessica. Bella had neither lied then nor now, but she did redirect the conversation to make herself more comfortable. Good to know.

"Wow, I didn't know you could play badminton," Charlie admitted surprised.

A strange image of her and a racket came to his mind.

"Well, actually I can't, but my partner is really good," I heard Bella reply as I ran back to my car.

Once I was out of the rain I called Alice again. I told her I was good on my end. She said she was good on hers. I told her I thought it was important to tell Carlisle what I had learned when I got home, and that we should open up the conversation to everyone. Alice paused, certainly checking possible futures, agreed, and hung up. I knew she would have gone to arrange things in whatever way produced the best possible outcome as I sped home.

I reviewed my day with Bella and her visitors this evening preparing myself for the conversation with my family. I suddenly felt deadened as if my essence were a tree that had been felled. It was in that moment that I realized that in all my questioning of her today and now listening to her interact with the Quileutes that I had come to really _like_ Bella. I liked her answers and how she saw the world. I liked her enthusiasm and passion. I liked how she read books and didn't really watch TV. I liked her, _really_ liked her. This was something else. It wasn't the electronic current or my attraction to her or even her scent. This was a non-physical thing. I liked who she was as an individual.

I had enjoyed cultivating my friendship with Nick and we shared similar interests, but this felt different some how. How I liked Bella felt different to how I had liked Nick, but I couldn't name the difference. All of a sudden I craved to keep that clever, insightful, passionate mind in my life, whereas I had wished I could keep my friendship with Nick. I almost _needed_ my friendship with Bella to be lasting.

I wasn't yet sure what I was feeling, but it was consuming nonetheless. Bella transformed again from the angel into something more earthly, more real–a true and genuine friend, the kind I might have had when I was human. Then the wanting of her as a friend transformed into something greater. A friend that I imagine kissing. I smiled to myself at this realization. Then my expression sunk as I realized that my awareness would make leaving her even more challenging. All of this would be solved if we were the same species. But we weren't and I wasn't going to allow that to happen.

 _Man, I know Rose gets all upset about it, but life sure hasn't been its usual boring dull self since Edward started going crazy._

 _Stupid idiot of a brother. All these years he was so calm and collected. Now look. If he doesn't kill her, he's going to take her future away from her. I wonder what he did this time._

 _I hope Edward has some good news. He deserves to have some things go his way._

 _I hope we can count on Ephraim's descendant to hold to the treaty. When we arrived to Forks and I spoke to him on the phone he seemed honour bound._

Jasper's thoughts were still, probably taking in the family's mood.

Alice was searching the future.

When I came into the house I saw that everyone had gathered in the living room. I was glad Alice had determined that this would not be a dining room discussion. We really didn't need any more of those for at least a decade.

Jasper was seated in the corner of the couch with Alice on top of him whispering into her ear. Emmett was on the floor, with Rosalie leaning into him. Carlisle and Esme were sitting in two chairs leaning into each other talking quietly. Right. The only single in a house full of pairs. Somehow the fact that I _liked_ Bella _and_ I wanted to kiss her lifted the burden of my singlehood slightly. Maybe there really was someone of my own kind out there for me. Maybe I wasn't fated to be alone forever. Maybe this is why none of my family had said anything regarding the current. Perhaps they were simply pleased at the possibility of me being attracted to someone. I knew through the years that they had all wondered one way or another if I lacked something in my makeup. Except Alice. She never had any doubt. Not even once. I was surely lucky to have a sister like her. Good thing that conversation was last night. I wouldn't want to share what happened today. I just had to hope that Alice wouldn't bring it up.

I sat on the floor mindful of my wet clothes. They all looked at me expectantly.

"Bottom line–the elder Black is committed to keeping the treaty even at his presumed risk to his long-term friend Chief Swan. Additionally, the younger Black, the same one who told Bella their stories, certainly believes his father's views to be nothing more than superstitions, confirming Bella's assessment that the younger Black meant no harm."

I couldn't help but add that last part in defence of Bella. It didn't go unnoticed by my family. Overall, though, their thoughts were focused on taking in the information and assessing it, except Jasper.

 _We're putting our safety in the hands of a human?_ he questioned.

I didn't acknowledge his concern. It was the same one he had since our first family discussion about Bella. Obviously, it was still the crux of the matter for him. Rosalie had the same underlying concern, but her thoughts had been more focused on making sure I knew our present situation was my fault.

"I also discovered that previously the elder Black and Sherriff Swan had a falling out over us Cullens. Evidently the elder Black had said something disparaging to Sherriff Swan in a hidden attempt to warn his friend about us, but Sherriff Swan had defended us, and it had caused a rift between them. From what the younger Black said, tonight was an attempt to make amends. It would seem, from the elder Black's thoughts, the gesture was because he is concerned about rumours that Bella is spending time with a Cullen. He considers Bella to be like a daughter."

I hadn't wanted to add the last part, but I knew I couldn't keep the truth from Alice; I didn't know how much she'd tell Jasper, and Jasper preferred all the facts. It coming from me would hopefully help repair the strain between us.

Jasper and Carlisle responded positively to the last part, Carlisle more so, but then Carlisle was the perpetual optimist and saw my friendship with Bella as a way for them and us to hopefully cultivate a deeper understanding of one another. He hoped that by befriending her and her remaining alive and human, that these descendants could see us Cullens more clearly. Since we had first met the wolves, Carlisle had hoped for more than a treaty. Jasper's positive response was strategic. He, like me, hoped that the elder Black would get between Bella and us. This would remove the risk Bella posed in a way that would assuage Alice's disappointment. Everyone else's thoughts were merely relieved for a bit of good news. Having the local Sherriff defend us was a rarity.

Mulling over the last conversation, Carlisle turned to Jasper, "Given this what are your thoughts about contacting the elder Black directly?"

Jasper pondered the risks for different outcomes, weighing them. Overall everyone else's thoughts were grateful Carlisle was addressing this issue.

"A direct conversation confirms to the elder Black what he knows to be rumour–one of us is spending time with Bella. Unless you want to disparage Bella's honour by making it out that we overheard her telling a friend their stories and this Black's son's honour that he told an outsider," Jasper began.

I stifled a snarl, but Jasper looked right at me certainly tasting my dislike of disparaging Bella in anyway.

"Which is quite risky since the elder Black is at least somewhat familiar with Bella and could confront her, creating the potential of us being caught in a lie. So, in this case, honesty seems like the best option _if_ you talk with him," Jasper continued.

I relaxed. I should have seen where Jasper's thoughts were going. It seemed, more times than I would like to admit, that my behaviour regarding Bella had been done outside of conscious thought.

"In that case, the only advantage for us would be to make sure that the elder Black reins in his son. But if his son believes the stories to be nothing more than old superstitions, the younger Black might disregard the elder Black's warnings, which for all we know the elder Black has already given," Jasper concluded.

Throughout Jasper's assessment Carlisle mentally confirmed Jasper's thoughts. It seemed that he had already come to the same conclusion. I would bet my sizable bank account that there were none of our kind that respected and appreciated what others brought to a conversation like Carlisle.

"Are you recommending that I say nothing?" Carlisle asked wanting confirmation that Jasper's thoughts and his were in agreement.

"I only offer my assessment, the decision is yours."

"Of course, thank you." I knew from Carlisle's thoughts that even after all these years Jasper's deference to him as a coven leader and Jasper seeing himself under Carlisle's command was difficult on Carlisle. Nevertheless Carlisle rarely gave any hint of his wish that Jasper would see our group as he saw it.

"Alice?" Carlisle asked, "Do you see any potential problems in deciding _not_ to talk to the elder Black?"

My mind was filled as it attempted to sort through Alice's visions.

"I can only see for a few days. Too many variables. Right now, no, but I can keep looking."

"Thank you, Alice."

Then he looked at me, "Anything else?"

Just as I was about to say no, Alice broadcasted to me the vision that had caused her to cry out: me sinking my teeth into Bella's carotid artery right there outside of gym, Bella dead, and all of us exposed in front of the whole student body. It felt as if my body filled with lead. She looked at me accusingly. I had been so hoping to keep that between us.

"Not about this," I stated softly and then I looked at my hands.

 _About Bella?_ Carlisle thought.

I looked at him and nodded.

 _Here? Or just you and I can go out together._

I appreciated his offer, but again felt that Jasper would do best with all the details. Stupid little psychic who saved us today.

I relooked at my hands. They could have killed Bella, and they had touched her gently. Those two things seemed irreconcilable.

"Alice stopped me from killing Bella today."

I could have easily predicted their responses once they unfroze from the shock.

Carlisle recovered quickest bar Alice who sat there gleefully. That smug psychic was up to something. I liked it much better as her teammate.

"How did she manage that?" Carlisle asked gently.

"She yelled at me through her thoughts so loudly that it woke me up from the trance I was in."

 _Seriously dude? You almost killed the human again? What is up with you and this girl?_

 _Alice would have been very upset if that would have happened._ Then Jasper tried to figure out how to keep me on the straight and narrow.

 _Really, Edward? What is wrong with you? Why can't you just go back to ignoring humans and leave her alone? Are you trying to get us all killed?_

 _My poor boy. Even though he didn't, I bet he's upset about coming so close. I hope he doesn't need to leave again._

 _Ah … a trance? How is that possible?_ Carlisle then tried to ascertain a reasonable hypothesis as to how such a thing could happen. His first thought was that blood had been spilled. None of his other ideas were even close.

"Mr. Banner played more of _Lorenzo's Oil_ in Biology," I supplied quietly.

 _The electric current?_ And Carlisle's mind considered tons of possibilities.

In that moment it was Rosalie's thoughts that we loudest _Not more of that_ and there was a hint of resentment. I didn't know where the resentment came in unless it was her jealousy showing up in a different way …

 _Oh, no, not this again_ came Emmett's thoughts not long after.

I looked at Carlisle. "Maybe this is a conversation best served between the two of us at another time," I offered.

He had learned over the years as I had with Alice's to accept these little hints without question.

"Anything else?" Carlisle asked looking around the room.

"Is there anything we can do to help smooth things over between Sherriff Swan and the elder Black or at least do something to show our appreciation to Sherriff Swan?" asked Esme.

Nearly all my siblings thought at the same time, _Oh for goodness sake ... we are_ vampires _Esme,_ while Carlisle was filled with accolades for his wife.

After careful thought he said to her, "Unfortunately darling there's no way to do that without exposure."

"Not even a dish that you could give him?"

With a face full of adoration and care for his wife, Carlisle answered, "There's no human explanation at the moment for such a thoughtful gesture, but thank you darling for wanting to do something."

"Hum … let me know if I _can_ do something."

"Of course." Looking around he asked, "Anything else?"

Everyone shook his or her head.

 _Come out with me, son._

I nodded and acquiesced, but this time I ran ahead and then waited for him to catch up when we were a far enough distance away.

 _Explain, please, Edward._

For goodness sake … this is exactly what I didn't want to do. I bet that little meddling twerp saw this coming and orchestrated it to put me in place. She was probably watching me now. I really needed to get back in her good graces.

"It was more intense today, so much so that I lost contact with my senses, which still weren't fully recovered evidently an hour later when I went to meet up with Bella."

"Every one?" he sounded incredulous.

"Yes." I looked down. "I didn't even know how I got to my classroom."

He stood with his jaw open. "Was anyone hurt?" He looked like he was trying to reconcile the Big Bang theory with quantum mechanics.

"No, nor did anyone see anything out of the ordinary," answering the question forming in his mind.

"But how?" He pondered his own question. _I always thought it was our mind that gave to the rise of our conscious allowing us to live as vegetarians._

"Was it _your_ mind even in your newborn frenzy that didn't want to kill a human?"

 _I always thought so, but perhaps I was mistaken._

"Welcome to my land of Bella," I breathed morosely.

He chuckled. "It's good to be wrong sometimes. Keeps us sharp." His mind went back to the complex problem it was trying to solve. _Apart from the frenzy when we feed we_ don't _enter trance-like states. And then we still have taste …_

Old Edward would have argued about his philosophy on being wrong. Old Edward would have countered on how being wrong brings danger and on and on. Although my mind knew those arguments, the crumbling of my past self caused them to seem pointless now. I had been wrong more times in the last week than in the last 20 years, but I had also never felt so exhilarated. I was in this no man's land between my old self and whomever I was being shaped into. In this state arguing just wasn't as appealing. Just like with Rosalie this morning, my intention was to reconcile with my family and make things safer for them and Bella.

Eventually Carlisle's thoughts turned a corner and now he wanted to know all the details of how my senses came back. I indulged him. I was putting the family at risk by my behaviour, it seemed the least I could do. The night wore on and as his questions were becoming microscopically detailed I was getting edgy.

 _What is it?_

I looked at my hands, not wanting to admit my earlier epiphany. "I found out today that I _like_ her."

 _That's hardly surprising given your sentiments thus far._ Then he chuckled internally.

"Well, it surprised _me_ ," I answered dejected.

He put his hand on my shoulder. _Often attraction, affection, and enjoying an individual's company go together._ His thoughts turned to Esme. _I wonder …_ but then he stopped himself short.

I let that sink in.

He must have caught something in my appearance even though I wasn't sure what. _Okay then, let's go_ and he smiled broadly.

Alice met us when we got back. She looked right at me. _This whole thing would be easier if you'd just let her meet me._

"I know, Alice," I responded signalling to Carlisle that she wasn't looking for him.

"So, when?" She must be serious if she was asking me out loud.

I slightly took my right ear to my right shoulder. She saw my intended question. I loved this part of our relationship. _The two possibilities look nearly the same as they did before. Although, the one where she lives is slightly stronger by the time you called me. Hasn't changed since then._

"Then, after I bring her back from the meadow."

I could see her looking to see if there was some way to change my mind. "Fine then." _But I don't have to like it. I miss you._

She saw me pause and wanting to ask about how Jasper was doing at school and her not having my help with him. _It's fine. So far so good, but once you're not hoarding Bella, maybe something new could be arranged and you could help some again?_ She said this as if the planet had already tilted on its axis and we lived in an alternate reality where my siblings and humans sat together. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what kind of bizarre world Alice had either seen or imagined. Either one sounded like too much. Bella was one thing, but to sit with Jessica or Mike? I couldn't picture it.

I stuck my tongue out at her.

 _Okay then go!_

"You're the best."

I ran off trying to ignore all my family's individual responses on me not staying home for the few hours remaining of the evening.

Bella looked as if she had rested peacefully. She was on her side again with her hands under her face like an angel. I expected entering her room to be challenging after nearly succumbing to her tantalising scent today, but for reasons unknown there was no fog. However, despite the many nights I had been here, and how I had spent nearly the whole day with her, I had to slowly ease myself into her room checking myself with each step.

Even with all of Carlisle's questions and speculations, I still wasn't sure what had caused me to nearly take Bella's life. It was very close to the full possession I had experienced on that first day in Biology, but qualitatively different. Carlisle had tried to drag out of me what that difference was, but I couldn't describe it. And so far he hadn't come up with any conclusions that fit the evidence.

The first time the monster took me over and I watched from behind a glass room. This time I had no awareness of anything at all except the scent moving towards me beckoning me to consume it. That was the best I could do, but it didn't explain anything. It didn't explain why when my throat scorched in the car after school I didn't even contemplate how soothing her blood would be. Nor did it explain why tonight sitting here felt no different than last night, except my throat scorched hotter. I knew Carlisle's unspoken concern: how would I keep her alive if I didn't know the trigger? My only hypothesis, and it was a long shot, was that it was somehow connected to sitting in the dark with her being in such close proximity.

I contemplated my thoughts earlier about her angel status. I decided that she could be both as I sank into the rocking chair. She could be a friend I wanted to kiss and an angel. Why not? Everything else up to now had been just as improbable. As I sat watching her, thinking about _liking_ her, I felt a sensation of release and contentment like I had never experienced before. I just let it be deciding that I didn't want to know what this feeling might indicate.

Bella never spoke the whole night. As I left I realised that I missed hearing her talk, but I was glad for her that she had slept well. I got home, went into my room through the window, showered, and changed. I still needed to find a way to ask Esme to wash my Bella-scented stash. I figured I should ask Rosalie again about driving to school. Asking rather than assuming seemingly had made some headway with her.

I checked before I knocked on her and Emmett's door.

"Come in," Emmett bellowed from the closet I would guess. Rosalie was on the bed looking at a magazine. She never looked up. "Um, Rosalie, I was wondering–"

"It's fine," she said seething. _Have time with your little toy. When you break her and we have to move I'm going to make your life the same living hell you've made mine these past weeks._

"Thanks," I said in as much of a grateful tone that I could muster. Then, like yesterday, I fled before she would change her mind.

I thought about Rosalie and what could have upset her again. More than anything I wasn't sure how to go about fixing it. Maybe I could ask Emmett today in class.

I parked in a different spot today as to not attract attention while I listened to her father's uniquely disjointed thoughts. There were concerns about Bella … maybe about him being gone too much … and a case at work that looked gruesome, but I didn't really grasp what it was about. Then he was examining an image of Bella coming down the stairs happy. Ah, he was trying to decipher what had caused her good mood. Then an image of the two of them with their guests last night came to his mind. I looked at the clock. It was nearly time for Sherriff Swan to go to work. I drove at the speed limit until I heard his cruiser pull out of the drive.

This time Bella nearly jumped into my car. I wasn't expecting that and so failed to get her door for her again. I smiled ruefully at her as I remembered the elder Black's desired warning, but Bella's enthusiasm quickly brought me out of my thoughts.

"How did you sleep?" I asked enjoying how she responded to my arrival.

I took in a deep breath relieved that the scorching was slightly less than while she was sleeping.

"Fine. How was your night?"

Hum. She actually slept well. I wondered why she said fine. Yesterday she didn't sleep well and she said, "good". What is going on in that strange brain of hers?

"Pleasant." I smiled as I remembered sitting in her rocking chair watching her sleep.

"Can I ask what you did?" she asked.

Nope, no way am I telling that.

"No," I grinned while hoping that one day I could tell her. "Today is still mine."

On the way to school I asked her more about her life before Forks, her mother, her grandparents, and the one grandmother she had known. I continued till I dropped her off at her first class then picked back up where we had left off as I walked her to her second period.

Not surprising Emmett was already in his spot as I entered class.

 _You still going crazy?_

I lowered my voice to a human whispering level. This was not a conversation that needed to be done telepathically. "Em, could you help me out with Rosalie?"

"You going to come back to sanity?"

"I'm working on it," I stated earnestly.

He pondered that.

"Help, please," I asked seriously.

I really wasn't sure how much more I could take from her. I was grateful I wasn't home much, but the insults were wearing thin.

"Honestly, the best medicine you claim you can't do. The second best you don't want to do. Right now your options are thin." He paused. "You know Rosalie."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks anyway."

 _I've bet on you bringing the girl home without even a scratch. So don't let me down, okay, bro?_

I shook my head. Him and Jasper bet on everything. I thought whether I wanted to know the stakes or not, but right then Mrs. Barwick started the class.

At the bell I went to meet Bella.

 _Just like a crazy person_ , Emmett thought as I was out the door.

My previous questions were finished and I started on friends from Phoenix as I dropped her off and went to third period.

I spent the period checking in on the school and making sure everything was copasetic.

At the end of third period she started back up where she'd left off. Then I asked her what I knew would embarrass her–previous boys she had dated. I was relieved that her experience was lacking.

"So you never met anyone you wanted?" I asked her thinking of all the boys here who were vying for her attention, doubting she was being honest. It would be just like her to deny anything she thought was embarrassing.

Reluctantly she replied, "Not in Phoenix."

Her reluctance coupled with other statements created an implication that was exactly what I had been trying to stop happening. She was attracted to me. I had been too late. My only hope was that she couldn't help her attraction to me any more than I could to her. And that there was nothing more than attraction on her side. Certainly she wouldn't be able to resist the allure intended to make her my prey. I hoped that was all it was–attraction due to my lure.

As we came into the cafeteria Alice and Jasper were already seated at the table where I usually sat. Alice stared at me until I glanced in her direction when Bella was distracted.

 _I've been looking. The odds are better if you go hunt before tomorrow. The best option is to go now rather than be away from her when she sleeps. I'll go with you and we'll plan._

I nodded in one of my nearly invisible movements. If this was what Alice saw was needed, then I would do it. Whatever I could do to bring Bella home tomorrow.


	40. Chapter 40: Change of Plans

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.  
**

 **The reference to Nick is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction.**

* * *

Bella and I sat down at the spot in the lunchroom that had become our table. If Alice had her way, Bella and I separate from the rest of the cafeteria wouldn't last long.

Bella continued to answer questions about people from Phoenix. She had come to a good pausing place and took a bite into her bagel. I took that as an opportunity to let her know the change of plans. I realised that since Alice would have most likely warned my siblings of the change of plans and I needed to keep communication open with Alice I was forced to let their voices in.

"I should have let you drive yourself today," I stated to alter the conversation.

If I had been less preoccupied I would have seen the need for me to hunt. It was irritating to have my sister remind me of such mundane things.

"Why?" she asked shrilly.

I wondered what her tone of voice might indicate. Despite my desire to know the answer, I didn't think our friendship was ready for that level of frankness.

"I'm leaving with Alice after lunch," I explained.

 _I know I made a good bet this time. With Alice helping Edward Bella's bound to come back undamaged. I can't wait to see Jasper pay out._

 _Even Alice can't see everything. There's no way there isn't at least a tumble given how clumsy Bella is._

 _He wouldn't need to hunt so much if he gave up trying to have human friends. Nick didn't turn out so well. We had to move. History repeating itself. I gave up having human friends, why can't he? I swear he never learns._

 _Just a bit longer to wait and then Edward will have no excuse but to introduce us._ Then Alice repeated this sentence over and over. By the fifth time it was grating on me.

"Oh." Bella's face fell but with her features contorted into a look of confusion and she blinked multiple times. "That's okay, it's not that far of a walk," she added.

Emmett's mind conjured images of Bella walking home and falling into puddles. Without looking at him I knew he would be holding in a laugh.

 _I wonder why Alice is excited, ecstatic almost yet patient. Wouldn't be hunting. Huh ...  
_

 _You would swear he was raised in the Middle Ages. What happened to his impeccable manners?_

I wondered why Bella would think I would be such an oaf to have her walk. My only supposition was that she must not think very much of me. I tried to assemble all our times together to see what I did to have caused her to have such a conclusion. I frowned. My siblings' commentary wasn't helping. It was increasing my agitation.

"I'm not going to make you walk home," I said assuredly hoping that I had kept my shocked bewilderment out of my voice. "We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."

Alice mentally saw that option and agreed.

"I don't have my key with me," Bella muttered. "I really don't mind walking."

 _Way to go, Eddie. I thought you explained things about us. You really do have a way with the ladies._

 _Edward, she's feeling embarrassed, reluctant, doubtful, and insignificant. Tread gently. The wrong statement and she could become irate or depressed. Both potentially increase our risk._

 _I am so done with this! All this attention on Edward's little toy. It's ridiculous. We have far better things to do with our time._

I certainly was not going to have Bella walk home! She could get hit by a car, or mauled by a bear, or picked up by some scum. No. Not only would that be absolutely insolent of me, I was not putting her at risk. Not to mention that very good point Jasper had made. She held too many cards and I needed to tread lightly. It would not look good if the Sherriff's daughter was walking home. I shook my head trying to dislodge the new images that were in my head.

"Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition–unless you're afraid someone might steal it." I couldn't help but laugh at that thought–of anyone wanting that hunk of a truck.

 _That truck is only worthy of the scrap yard … although if I …_ and Rosalie was off in her world of car improvements.

 _You couldn't give that truck away. I bet you'd like to replace it, huh, bro? Something stylish and faster._

 _Better,_ was Jasper's evaluation.

Alice was peeking ahead to see when she could come over and introduce herself.

"All right," Bella relented as she pursed her lips. Her brows begun to come together and confusion seemed to resurface on her face.

The fact that she'd said yes to me doing something for her pleased me. Perhaps I could get her to see reason about some other things. Suddenly I didn't feel so hopeless.

"So where are you going?" Bella asked after a brief pause. Her tone was casual, but I picked up a bit of unhappiness.

As soon as I heard the question my mind was filled with my siblings' disappointment in how I handled the last time our family's consumptions habits were a topic of conversation. I didn't want to hear their thoughts on that topic again. So, I pushed my siblings into the background. I gave Bella my full attention wanting to make sure that I read her reactions.

Once I focused on Bella I reviewed her question. Was she worried? Did she not want to have me leave? The first was silly the second had implications I wasn't ready to consider.

I didn't really want to answer the question. My scolding from Alice was enough to create some hesitancy. Not to mention that I hated admitting these things in front of Rosalie.

"Hunting," I answered curtly. Suddenly I saw this as my opportunity to communicate the danger I posed to her. My desire to make her aware of the risk she was taking overran my pride. I just needed to word it so Rosalie didn't know how weak I was. "If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take whatever precautions I can." Alice's image of Bella dead in my arms rushed forward in living colour. I didn't know how else to convince Bella to stay away from me. I had already failed so many times. "You can always cancel, you know." I had relented to her yes, but maybe here she could take it back.

She looked down.

I really wish she wouldn't do that. It was much harder to guess at her thoughts, to read her expressions when she did that.

"No," she breathed, glancing back up at me, "I can't."

I couldn't get myself to leave. She just admitted to not being able to cancel on me. What might that mean? I knew that if I considered the full implications, my mind would wander to my observations of the pairs I lived with. Instead I focused on what this meant for Bella's future.

"Perhaps you're right," I agreed darkly, all hope I might have had once gone.

Everything about me was designed to lure her in, so I could consume her. I didn't want to, but Alice's visions of Bella dead were burned into my skull. The situation was entirely futile. She couldn't escape me. She had just admitted as much. That meant that the only way to keep her safe was for me to find the strength to leave.

Bella took a deep breath and seemed glum. "What time will I see you tomorrow?"

Yes, that was a good question. I wondered why she was glum. Was it regarding our latest exchange? Was it something else? Did she also see the futility of our friendship? I forced my mind to focus on her question. I wanted to leave it all up to her. Hers to say yes, hers to say no, and hers to say how much. She was the one risking her life after all.

"That depends …" on what you want to do. I will be there through the night. "… It's a Saturday, don't you want to sleep in?"

That was what Bella's peers thought about on most Fridays: staying up late and sleeping in. I knew she was abnormal for a human, but certainly she would be like other modern human teenagers enough to want to sleep in. Even though I had no memories of it from my own childhood, I couldn't imagine my mother allowing me to sleep in. How times had changed.

"No," she responded without pause.

Why did that not surprise me? Despite my objections it was kind of sweet. Another quality to add to the abnormal list. I tried to repress my smile. I certainly didn't want to encourage her.

"The same time as usual, then," I offered.

She appeared to agree.

"Will Charlie be there?" I needed to know.

I really wished that she would tell him. I thought back to my conversation with Carlisle about this and my musings last night about how much sway Charlie might hold over her male friendships.

"No, he's fishing tomorrow," she beamed.

It seemed like she was pleased that he would not be there and therefore wouldn't know she was spending time with me. She was risking her life and seemed to be looking forward to it. I felt as if somehow I had just corrupted the Virgin Mary.

"And if you don't come home, what will he think?" I sneered trying to force her to take it back.

Her gleefully offering herself to me was too much. The monster revelled in it. She won't mind. She's offering herself to you. Just a taste. A mouthful won't hurt her. I tried to push back these thoughts with the memory of the guilt I had from the last time I tasted human blood. I couldn't let it win this battle.

I could feel my siblings' inner voices pressing to be heard. I was sure they all had some commentary to add to this situation, especially Bella's attitude, but I wasn't up for it, so I attempted my mental wall again making sure I didn't look in their direction.

"I have no idea," she answered calmly. "He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."

How could she be so glib? There must be something terribly wrong with her. How could she joke about the possibility of her own death at my hands? I glared at her willing her to take this more seriously. She just scowled back at me refusing to back down. Long minutes passed between us.

"What are you hunting tonight?" she asked quietly breaking the silence.

Once again she was deflecting the conversation away from her. On one hand, I appreciated her desire to avoid a stare down or an argument. On the other hand, she had changed the conversation to something that was an uncomfortable reminder of how well she took my nature. At this point, I would almost prefer to continue our stare down. I was once again reminded of my siblings' displeasure at how much I had said on this topic last time.

"Whatever we find in the park," I answered deciding against my better judgement to give in to Bella's wish. "We aren't going far."

I hoped my answer had been the right balance between honest and vague. I watched Bella carefully. I listened to her beats and inhalations. Nothing changed. Not even the smallest bit. How could she be so calm?

"Why are you going with Alice?" she asked curiously.

Her curiosity might just be the end of me. The answer was: because Alice already believes you are her best friend and is working as hard as me to keep you alive. But I didn't want to say that. I knew once Alice was in Bella's life it would be even more difficult to walk away. It would hurt my sister for us to leave. And anything that hurt Alice Jasper would oppose. I knew this. Yet Alice was determined. I had no good options.

"Alice is the most … supportive," I decided on, but also the most insistent that you will be turned one day.

"And the others?" Her voice sounded hesitant, unsure if she wanted the answer. "What are they?"

I didn't really want to answer with them hearing, but I was uncertain that I had any other choice at the moment.

"Incredulous, for the most part."

Yes, that was a good way of putting it. I was entirely glad in that moment that I was able to block them.

I watched as Bella moved her head slightly to look over in their direction, her eyebrows brought together in concentration.

"They don't like me," she concluded.

Well, Rosalie, maybe, but that certainly wasn't the impression I wanted her to have of them. I loved them and they me. We protected and defended each other in ways she couldn't possibly understand. And Rosalie really had nothing against Bella personally, it was more the idea of what Bella represented and the risk she brought.

"That's not it," I said emphatically ensuring that I betrayed nothing. "They don't understand why I can't leave you alone."

Jasper's and Emmett's thoughts came through punctuating my statement despite my attempts of holding them at bay. They must have been extremely insistent on being heard.

 _Exactly like a crazy person._

 _I don't know what he sees in her. They all look the same._

Bella grimaced. "Neither do I, for that matter," she admitted.

Well, that was because she didn't see herself clearly. So much since Bella's arrival had become a mystery to me. My siblings' most recent responses weren't as easily explainable. Since the family talk last night even Jasper's thoughts were more incredulous and less strategic. I didn't understand what was going on with them exactly, despite having been a family unit for 55 years now. Over the weeks I had been forced to concede that Bella had gifted me with a renewed understanding of them. Nevertheless they were not a complete mystery. Maybe these shifts were why I _liked_ her so much. Even her answers to my questions were unexpected and encouraged me to see the world differently, to see my family in ways I hadn't before. Perhaps in the long run this would be a good thing. Right now, though, it made me uncomfortable.

 _Can I meet her now?_ Alice asked her mental voice barraging into my brain.

I shook my head slowly, rolling my eyes to the ceiling.

Alice's patience was worse than mine.

I re-met Bella's gaze. "I told you–you don't see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me."

 _Not sure what's fascinating about a human_ Emmett and Jasper nearly thought together, but then Emmet added _But Rosalie must have seen something to bring me to Carlisle to have me turned._ Then his thoughts went to places I didn't want to accompany.

 _Oh she does more than just fascinate you, Edward. You're such a blockhead sometimes._

What did Alice mean by that? I wasn't sure. I set it aside to think about it later.

Rosalie had been mentally working really hard at thinking about anything but Bella.

Bella glared at me attempting to convince me otherwise with her eyes. The others' thoughts were turned out as her eyes drew me in and warmed me from the inside. Nevertheless, I believed it important to emphasize my point.

"Having the advantages I do," touching my forehead discretely so she knew which advantages to which I was referring. "I have a better than average grasp on human nature. People are predictable. But you … you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."

Like how Esme did Carlisle, I realized. I had never really thought about their courtship and then relationship in that way, but Bella and Esme did share a lot in common. I wondered if that meant I was more like Carlisle that I saw.

Bella looked away, no doubt embarrassed by my praise. Esme didn't take well to Carlisle's accolades in the beginning either. Her eyes wandered back to my family.

I had gone this far. This was as good of a time as any to attempt to explain my erratic behaviour to my siblings.

"That part is easy enough to explain," I said staring at her willing her to give me back the calmness I find in her eyes to give me strength. "But there's more … and it's not so easy to put into words–"

Maybe this more was what Alice was hinting at … Suddenly I became aware that Rosalie was holding Bella's eyes with our hypnotic power, but instead of persuasion it was a glare designed to instil fear and trembling. I wanted to growl through my chest, but I knew that would cause stares. We were in a human high school cafeteria after all. Instead it came out as a sub-human hearing guttural snarl.

 _Fine then. But your methods to scare her off didn't work, and now you_ want _to be with the very threat to our existence._ She moved her head releasing Bella.

Bella's eyes were huge like a deer in headlights full of confusion and fear. Knowing Bella, Rosalie's attempt to protect our family and send Bella scampering away screaming wouldn't work, and I didn't want Bella to have a poor impression of Rosalie.

"I'm sorry about that. She's just worried. You see …" I wanted Bella to know the truth, but I didn't want to have to explain. What a conundrum. Truth won out. "… it's dangerous for more than just me if, after spending so much time with you so publically …" I looked down unable to admit this to Bella.

My reluctance didn't stop my siblings apart from Alice from thinking _you died._

 _Jackass, just admit you're not strong enough_ not _to kill her. I'll even move if we have to. Just leave things as they are._

 _Are you sure you want to tempt it, bro? Better alive than dead._

 _Alice would never forgive you if you slipped._

Yes, Jasper was right. Alice wouldn't forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me. I wondered what Alice had seen for her to be more certain Bella would live.

Bella pulled me back to her, "If?"

 _Well now jackass what are you going to say now? You going to go back to pretending that this isn't riskier than anything we've ever done and potentially homicidal. Maybe you have a death wish, but I sure don't._

 _I could never be alone with a human and not kill them. I know you're more practiced than I Edward, but there's no shame in taking things slow. Is it worth the risk?_

 _Are you going to get down with her while you're all alone cause she_ is _breakable?_

 _Will you finish the conversation already? I want to come say hello._

Finally I succumbed, "if this ends …" but I just couldn't say in your death, "… badly." I dropped my head into my hands ashamed at the monster that was inside of me, wishing desperately that I could be human instead of the killer that I am.

I listened to my siblings' thoughts all taking different interpretations to my shame. Rosalie was right. I was being a selfish, self-centred, egotistical, a jackass. I should have just walked away from Bella. Instead she was sitting at a table with a monster having to hear about how that monster wants to kill her and the consequences to that monster's family. We are an abomination. We shouldn't exist. Bella shouldn't live in a world where she has to worry about Rosalie's glare or my attraction to her scent.

Bella's sweet voice trembled some, but it was mostly calm. It brought me out of my brooding. "And you have to leave now?"

How she had just the right balm for me I'll never know.

"Yes," I answered and raised my face. I really didn't want to have to have less time with her, but Alice was right, now was better than while Bella slept. Then a positive consequence occurred to me. "It's probably for the best. We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie left to endure in Biology–I don't think I could take more." And I didn't have to risk losing myself again.

 _Yes. Thank goodness for that. You're going to introduce us. It's the polite thing to do, you know._

I watched as Alice came over out the corner of my eye, not that I needed to since I could hear her thoughts become louder as she came nearer.

Once she stood behind me I greeted her aloud for Bella's sake. "Alice," my irritation at her excitement was hopefully too subtle for Bella to pick up.

Nosy pushy psychic that always got her way.

"Edward," she said back attempting to contain her enthusiasm as we _were_ in a public place.

 _Introductions Neanderthal._

I had no choice but to relent. I owed her. I had wanted to make it up to her, just not on her terms like this. How did so much irritation come in such a small package?

I gestured between them as I did the introductions. "Alice, Bella–Bella, Alice."

I expected Bella's reaction even though it was abnormal–she had no reaction to Alice at all except genuine curiosity and interest as if Alice were just another human being. Alice was probably right–Bella wouldn't mind Alice being her best friend at all. Ugh!

"Hello, Bella. It's nice to finally meet you." Alice's emphasis on finally was certainly for my benefit. All the while she was mentally saying _Now, was that_ so _hard? Why you couldn't do this ages ago is beyond me. As much as I do for you…_ Then Alice began thinking about the new clothes Bella needed, the shopping trips they needed to go on, and how to instil a sense of fashion into Bella.

I looked at Alice darkly pleading with her to stop. _Fine! But you have to admit she does need some wardrobe help._

"Hi, Alice," Bella muttered quietly.

 _A start to a wonderful friendship, you just see, brother. Are you ready to leave her yet?_

I gave her no indication that I had heard her.

 _Right, fine, have it your way …_

"Are you ready?"

I inwardly grinned at this small victory.

"Nearly. I'll meet you at the car." _Fine then. You'd think after all I do for you …_ Her tone expressed her disappointment.

I wasn't ready to expose Bella to all of my world. I meant what I said to Alice before–if I don't kill her tomorrow, then things could be different.

"Should I say 'have fun,' or is that the wrong sentiment?" Bella asked drawing me away from Alice.

Her capacity to be considerate over these aberrations astounded me. I couldn't help a small smile from spreading on my face.

"No, 'have fun' works as well as anything."

"Have fun, then," she attempted, sounding more disappointed than the words conveyed.

"I'll try." I wasn't sure I would manage fun when I let go and let my instincts guide me with no practical options than deer, but the sentiment was considerate, kind, and thoughtful. I thought about being away from her, leaving her here. "And you try to be safe, please," my eyes pleading with her.

"Safe in Forks–what a challenge," she rebutted.

I hid my grimace at the memories of all that I had saved Bella from.

"For you it's a challenge," I pointed out remembering our conversation about her number being up. "Promise."

I listened to her unique symphony in hopes that it would decrease my concern while I waited for her response.

"I promise to try to be safe," she stated with slight sarcasm. But a promise is a promise. "I'll do the laundry tonight–that ought to be fraught with peril," heavier sarcasm this time.

"Don't fall in," I teased.

Images of a washing machine catching her and twirling her around filled my mind.

"I'll do my best." She sounded more sincere this time.

I stood to leave. As I did, she stood too.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she breathed heavily.

"It seems like a long time to you, doesn't it?" I asked.

It certainly did to me, and I would see her sooner than she me. I couldn't recall ever having this sense of longing to see my last human friend, Nick. I wondered if it was the attraction I felt towards Bella fuelled this longing.

She nodded.

"I'll be there in the morning," I promised hoping my voice sounded reassuring.

I contemplated touching her in front of my siblings. They already knew the rest, why not this? I reached across the table and gingerly touched her along her cheekbone again. As I did my body craved to have more. My mind was filled with how to touch her, where to touch her, the feel of her lips against mine. _Enough_ I commanded myself and turned and walked away towards Alice.

Alice was naturally waiting beside the car in the rain holding an umbrella. The girl was nothing but prepared.

As I drove to Bella's house, Alice searched different possible futures to expedite finding Bella's keys. I knew the last time Bella drove was Wednesday and what she wore that day, which narrowed the possibilities down tremendously and since I knew how the keys smelled it wouldn't take too long. Of course, Alice figured it out before we got there, so my skills were hardly needed. I used the key hidden in the eave to open the front door while Alice went to where she had seen Bella's keys would be. After finding the keys, Alice arranged the pile of clothes so they it was exactly the way it had been. It took less than ten seconds. Alice got in Bella's truck and drove it to school. I followed behind in the Volvo.

Alice is a good sister. I knew that she loved Bella too, but never once was there the condemnation that I deserved in her thoughts. Alice parked the truck where the Volvo had been in the school parking lot. I was still worried about Bella, so I found a scrap of paper and wrote, "Be safe" and then placed in the truck. I looked at Alice for confirmation and she nodded. Then we sped away home.

I wanted to find some way to put Alice and I back to the way things were. Our little retrieval effort had reminded me of what a great team we were and how much I missed it. Alice spent the whole ride looking into Bella's future trying to secure the most likely path of her survival. She seemed obsessive in a way I wasn't accustomed except when it came to Jasper. Certainly picking up Bella's truck wouldn't have changed the future she had seen when she suggested we hunt. Would it? With Bella's life hanging in the balance I wasn't more appreciative of Alice's gift or how delicate the future could be. That knowledge was terrifying and comforting. I was still musing by the time we got to the house and I parked the car in the garage.

 _Be right back._

I went and waited for Alice to change her apparel while I thought over how much things had changed this past week. My father's words of how our kind doesn't change easily rang in my ears.

Alice came down and I ran. Running was probably my favourite thing about this life. I loved the feel of the wind around me as I went. I loved the exhilaration of the speed and how it allowed my body to work at full strength. More than anything I loved how, like music, it overtook my whole being and for those moments the world seemed simpler and my problems disappeared. Of course, I didn't want to go too far away from Bella so I slowed down when we were a little over thirty miles out, and waited for Alice.

"Took you long enough pipsqueek," I said when she was within hearing distance.

 _Well, not all of us can be you, Edward._

"Thank goodness." I chuckled.

Alice had such of way of knowing me. She had since the day she showed up. It was odd, but today it was oddly reassuring.

 _So, I've narrowed down the possibilities that give you the best chance._

"I hate this, Alice," I moaned. "I don't _want_ to kill her, but there are moments when I can't help myself. What if one of those moments happens tomorrow?"

Confessing these things to Alice was like talking out loud to myself. How much I had missed her. I considered if I should cancel on Bella. I hated the idea of looking cowardly, so I decided against it. I folded into a boulder.

She came and sat down next to me. She put her hand on my knee. _Wouldn't work anyway. I've already considered the possibility. Tomorrow or a month from now, I really don't think it'll make much of a difference. Jasper, Emmett, and, before we came, Esme have killed humans accidently. You never berated them the way you are doing to yourself, and_ you _haven't even_ done _anything yet. You just have to prove to yourself that you_ can _maintain your control._

I knew this. I didn't need Alice to remind me what a depressed masochistic I was being, but somehow the way she conveyed this thought gave me pause. I replayed her words in my mind slowly over and over. Could she possibly be right that I simply needed to prove to myself that I could maintain my control?

I contemplated the words as they formed in my mind. "I think I might have control issues," I muttered to myself. A smile gathered on my face, then a smirk, then I began chuckling, and soon I was laughing loudly.

Yes, that was it. I liked being in control of myself. I didn't want to be the monster. I had tried it and I hadn't liked whom it had turned me into. I knew that if I slipped up and Bella ended up dead my family would cover it up and forgive me. What was one more human after the hundreds I had murdered already? No, if I was truly honest, my determination to not kill this human girl tomorrow when we would be all alone was about me and my desire for control. It had been a hard journey back to vegetarianism. The shakes and the hallucinations alone. I shuttered. I was afraid to return to who I once was.

Yet that statement wasn't entirely true because even when I had hunted humans I was always in control of the monster. I controlled when it came out, when it hunted, and which victims it got to have. I had far less control with Bella than I did back then. Bella was my undoing in so many ways. Her scent called to the monster and strengthened it in a way that caused me to doubt my self-control. The monster was no longer neatly under wraps. And I didn't like it.

Not to mention the fact that I didn't want to kill anyone period. That was the point of my chosen lifestyle. I didn't want her death on my conscious. But, perhaps for the first time, I realized that my true fear was not the loss of Bella, but the loss of me. Even now she was still my tormentor sent for my destruction. Ending her would be the end of me. I knew it deep inside myself and it scared me beyond my mind could comprehend. Things were shifting and changing inside of me in ways that I didn't understand. I didn't like it. I didn't even recognise myself anymore. It made things too unpredictable. I sounded like Rosalie and I started laughing again out of the sheer stupidity of it.

When my laughter was subtler Alice thought, _really, Edward? It's taken you these many years and almost killing Bella to figure that out._ "Figures. You are so dense sometimes," she added with a big grin on her face.

"No kidding," I said adding shock to my voice. "No denser than you, though, freak."

I went to push Alice off the boulder, but she got out of the way before I could get her.

Stupid psychics.

She came and sat back next to me a smile on her face. _Remember the time when …_ then she'd showed me a memory of some ridiculous notion that I had gotten, then another, then another, and then memories where she and I had together saved the family from some catastrophe, then more of those. By the end I had gotten the point–I could be a bonehead sometimes, but I loved my family fiercely.

I sat next to her thinking over what she had shown me while she hummed internally for a long while. I finally turned to her. "Will it be enough to stop me?"

 _I_ think _it will. It was before._

I slumped my shoulders. That wasn't a yes. I was hoping for more.

"Has it changed at all?" I asked her.

 _Actually her living got a little bit more solid by the end of yesterday._ "I wanted to ask you about that."

I thought about what was different yesterday that might have made a difference. "I found out I _liked_ her?" inserting the small question mark at the end to ask her if this was the mystery piece that she was looking for.

She pondered that. _What about today?_

Now it was my time to ponder. "Yes. A little bit more today than yesterday."

With that in hand she showed me every possibility she had been able to see. No matter whether they ended up with her dead in my arms and me in despair or us going home together when the sun was setting.

"I could come if you want," she offered. Then she showed me on with her in the trees. "If I saw something I could yell at you again."

I was torn. I knew it was a smart move. Then at least Alice could intervene. At the same time it seemed weak. I didn't want to admit to needing a chaperone. Then I thought about all the memories she had shown me. Maybe that's why she had done so, to show me both how my pride had led to trouble, but also my fierce love for my family. Then I remembered Carlisle's admonishment about being on an unchaperoned outing with a young woman, especially as we weren't courting. Fine! I bet Alice had engineered the whole thing to get me to say yes, but fine. I would do it her way.

Alice just smiled. _She won't even know I'm there._

"And you leave as soon as you're confident it will end well?" I meant it to come out as a command, but I couldn't really force her to leave anymore than I could force her to not watch us in a vision.

She looked ahead in the conversation trying to see if she could convince me to let her stay the whole time. _Fine,_ she thought with defeat.

The sun was about to set. _We should hunt._

I nodded. We each reached out with our senses and found something. Once we were done we came back to the boulder.

I looked at my feet. "Thanks pipsqueek."

"Don't mention it," she muttered as she sprinted away hoping that her short lead would allow her to beat me home.

I came to the house to find Carlisle there to great me. _How was today?_

I nodded. Everything with Bella was copasetic. Nothing to report there. "Alice thought it would be best if I hunted today in preparation for tomorrow."

 _Are you sure tomorrow's wise?_

I shook my head no.

"She offered to go with me tomorrow. I agreed."

I was sure everyone else heard my half of the conversation. I hoped it would reassure them that I really wasn't trying to get us all dismembered and burned.

 _That seems like a prudent precaution._

I couldn't hide the frustration from my face.

He put his hand on my shoulder. _I know it was a difficult decision, son, but it shows a lot of maturity that you are putting Bella's life and our safety above your pride. I'm quite impressed._

His praise over the last weeks was out of place for my failures.

He seemed to take note of my embarrassment, but said nothing. _Anything else?_

I shook my head no.

 _I know it's not the done thing anymore, but_ I _am glad that you will be chaperoned, even if it dates me._ There was a gentle teasing in the tone but also a seriousness I was unaccustomed to coming from him. I imaged my human father might have said something similar.

"Thanks, Dad," I said softly hoping that it would be for his ears only.

He looked at me in a way that I could not name, but made me so grateful to have Carlisle in my life. I was truly blessed. He must have seen my restlessness because he added, _Please stay a little while and spend time with your family. We have hardly seen you._

I nodded in acquiescence. Rosalie and Emmett were in their room. Alice had found Jasper in their room, and Esme was in her office working on some project.

I went to the piano to play. Missing Bella and wanting to watch her sleep I played some Chopin's nocturnes, which then naturally led into the lullaby Bella had inspired. While I had been engrossed in playing Alice and Jasper had come down and Esme was enwrapped in Carlisle's arms. As I looked up, Alice appeared on the bench next to me. I played some of her favourites and then Esme's. Afterwards I looked up at Esme longingly.

 _Alright … go then, but be back in the morning._

I grinned.

 _You still being a gentleman?_ Even in her thoughts there was a growl.

"Yes, ma'am," I said over my shoulder as I sprinted away. I didn't need to be threatened twice.

I had heard music, Chopin's nocturnes by the sound of it, playing as I had come into hearing distance. However, by the time I had arrived at Bella's wherever the music was coming from had stopped. When I got there I checked myself before entering Bella's room. I seemed fine. I went over and examined the CD in the player. Of course. I should have known the Chopin's nocturnes were coming from Bella's room. It was just too odd of a coincidence to dismiss.

Bella was sleeping soundly without murmurs or much movement. It was slightly unusual for her given that she hadn't been in bed long given the hour. I went over a bit closer to her to check her even though her breathing and heart rate were fine. She had the most trivial quantity of some odd smell on her. I hoped she wasn't getting sick or anything.

I sat down frozen in the rocker listening to the sweet harmony of her sounds as I worked to convince myself that I would do nothing that might silence them. I would maintain my self-control. I wouldn't let the monster win. No matter how she might strengthen the monster I would be stronger. I stirred from my thoughts just slightly after the usual time that I left. Reluctant to face the day I ran home.

Alice was sitting on the front steps. _Why didn't you pick up?_

I looked puzzled.

 _I called._

I took out my phone and looked at it. Sure enough she had just about the time that I'd come out of my frozen state. I stared in confusion.

 _You're welcome._

I stared as she darted upstairs.

Good thing I have a stupid nosy psychic sister.

I went upstairs to get ready for today. I felt as if I was in an old western movie. There was to be a showdown between the monster and me. I would win. I had to. For all of our sakes. I showered, but couldn't manage to figure out what I wanted to wear. I was feeling … ? "Help Jasper," I requested hoping that my confusion and emotional turbulence would be enough for him to know what I needed help with.

After a short pause I heard him respond, _Concern, apprehension, determination, confusion, nervousness, doubt, excitement, and … ecstatic_ he finally decided.

Ecstatic. That was a new one. Hmm.

 _You're annoying me. I'm trying to_ see. I heard while Alice was on her way to me. I went and hid in the bathroom. When she left I came out. An outfit was laid out on the bed.

"Thank you," I breathed nervously.

Hopefully they both knew I was talking to them. I got dressed, and checked the time. Bella probably wouldn't be ready yet, but I was as jittery as a June bug.

I opened my bedroom door and started down the stairs.

 _Wait please, Edward._

I stopped at the bottom of the stairs. Shortly Esme was next to me and hugged me. _You'll do fine, son. Try to enjoy yourself._

"I'll try mom," attempting but failing to hide my nerves.

Then Carlisle was coming down the stairs. Esme backed away and Carlisle embraced me. _You'll do fine. I believe in you. You're stronger than you think. Just remember who you truly are, and … have a good time._ If I wasn't mistaken there was a nervous timber in his thoughts. He was nervous about me or for me? I couldn't be sure. And now wasn't the time to ask.

"I'll do my best, Dad."

He backed up and wrapped his arm around Esme. Esme was beaming. Carlisle was examining me. Then a slight smile spread across his face, and his eyes lit up. He tried to keep it under wraps, but his first date with Esme bled through his thoughts. This wasn't a date. Was it? I had made it clear that I wasn't courting her. I was left confused.

"See you tonight," I said seriously as if it was a promise to return Bella home alive. Then I walked out the front door.

 _Don't over think it_ Jasper recommended as I left.

I wondered briefly where Rosalie and Emmett might be, but then decided it didn't matter.

As I ran to Bella's I made sure to stay clear of anything that might dirty my clothes, including my shoes. I brushed myself off in case when I arrived at Bella's tree line. Chief Swan's car was gone, but I could hear Bella still getting ready. I decided that I needed some time to steady myself for what lay ahead.

I focused on hearing her heartbeat letting its tune reassure me. She was alive; the sound confirmed it. All I need to do today is keep it that way, I told myself. Alice would be there until the future firmed up. I had fought the monster all these weeks with only one close call after returning from Alaska and that had been impacted by what had happened in Biology. If anything like that started I could always run away until I was in control again. Yes. That was it.

I just would have to keep an especially tight eye on myself, but I could do this. And I had Alice as backup. It wasn't a great plan. I knew that. It still was incredibly risky, and I had been too arrogant in the past, but it was enough. Enough for me to check for unwanted eyes before I stepped out of the forest. Fortunately there was still a thin layer of the cloud cover enough that I could safely walk towards Bella's house appearing, for all intents and purposes, that I had walked here from my house.


	41. Chapter 41: Only Five Miles

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.  
**

 **The reference to Nick is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction.**

* * *

I stood in front of the door listening to Bella's movement on the other side. I was nervous. Maybe more than nervous. I kept having to remind myself to act human in case a neighbour was looking. I purposefully was keep everyone's thoughts in the background. I could barely tolerate my own. I stared at the door uncertain of what to do. The same internal debate kept going round and round in my head. Technically I had been in her house many times. However, not once had I been invited in. Sneaking in or using the key that I knew was hidden just seemed uncouth for this situation. I knew this situation called for knocking on her front door. I just couldn't seem to get myself to do it. Why was it that I seemed to have no hesitation in sneaking in, but knocking was stopping me in my tracks?

I could just imagine Alice watching me standing here in front of the door unable to knock. She was laughing at me. I was sure. Eventually, I got up the nerve to raise my hand to the door. I was pitiful. I was a murderer, one of the fiercest predators to roam the earth, nearly indestructible, while afraid of a door. It was pathetic. I waited for Bella to respond, but all I could hear was her continuing her activities. Was she ignoring me? Was she just finishing up what she was doing? Did she change her mind? Did she not hear me? I was a wreck.

I repeated my knock in my mind and compared it to my medical training on the physiology of humans. It might have been too soft for her ears. I was so focused on my mantra "be gentle and in control" that I even knocked gently. Ugh! I needed to get a handle on myself. This was ridiculous. As a distraction from my nerves I was trying to remember the last time I had knocked on someone's door, excluding office doors at college or the like. As I tried to recall the last time where I had a place where I had to knock in this way, I became increasingly filled with a sense of seriousness with each passing second. I rarely knocked on my siblings' or parents' doors. We always heard each other coming. Nick, I decided. The last time I had to properly knock was when I had picked him up to … Bella would be different. After way too long I knocked again, making sure I knocked harder this time. I heard Bella move towards the door and then work on the deadbolt attempting to open the door. There was no turning back now.

Once the door was no longer obstructing my view of her, I took all of her in, scent included. My throat flamed and my insides knotted in strange ways, but I was in control.

"Good morning," I greeted her.

Then I noticed what she was wearing I started chuckling.

"What's wrong?" she responded looking down at herself as if she had done something wrong.

That wasn't the right way to start off the day–with her feeling self-conscious.

"We match," I managed with humour in my voice.

I laughed lightly now knowing that Alice had done this purposefully to lighten my mood and help me enjoy the moment. It had worked. The nervousness I had of knocking on that ridiculous door was gone. Bella was standing in front of me. I _would_ win this war.

Bella began laughing with me. She stepped out the door obviously intending to close it in the manner I had seen her do each time I had picked her up for school. As she stepped closer to me, her warmth swam over me and swirled around me. It began to penetrate through my cold hard skin and warm me in a way that I hadn't been prepared for. I took a step back in shock, but I didn't want her to think that I was in some way rejecting her, so I turned and walked to Bella's truck in one motion assured that she wouldn't have seen my initial movement. As I walked, I tried to figure out a way that I could convince Bella to let me drive. Taking her truck was one thing. Her driving it would be nothing short of torturous.

I was lost in my thoughts when Bella stated, "We made a deal," her voice tinged with smugness already climbing into the driver's seat.

I stopped and looked at her. Somehow in my preoccupation to get my way I had failed to open her door for her. More failure. I would have to take Jasper's advice if I was going to take my mothers. I wondered what it might mean that Jasper had basically been giving me the same advice since our first table conference after Bella's arrival. Alice loved Bella, thus Jasper's advice must be his way of helping me keep her alive. I didn't know how to take Jasper's advice, but I was determined to figure it out today. I wanted this day to be wondrous and beautiful as well as horror free. I wasn't certain I could accomplish all that, any of it actually, but I could at least try to pay more attention to these small ways in which a proper gentleman treats a lady.

Bella reached over and unlocked the passenger door. I climbed in reminding myself to do so at a human pace. My whole body was demanding to be as close to her as possible, to rush my movements in order to close the gap between us. I needed to do the opposite–to take things slow–if I were to remain in control. Without my permission my mind began to imagine how her skin would feel under my touch, how her warmth would penetrate me if I were to hold her, what her veins might look like under her skin around her belly button … _Enough!_ I commanded myself. These kinds of thoughts were not going to help me today. Luckily Bella spoke.

"Where to?"

Yes. This was what I should focus on. Focus on the task at hand and the one to follow. I was to bring her home alive. Yes. Alive. I looked at her fragile body out of the corner of my eye.

"Put your seat belt on–I'm nervous already." My tone was probably too stern.

Her truck was fairly sturdy, and I was moderately certain that I could save her if something were to happen. However, it didn't have the added safety features of more modern vehicles meant to protect the fragile humans that drove them. It made me nervous. I couldn't risk Bella's blood removing itself from her body. To calm my nerves, I ran through several scenarios of how I would save her from injury if an accident were to occur.

Her face looked irritated and upset. Better that than dead. She buckled herself.

"Where to?" she asked again this time with a sigh.

Fine. I guess she really was going to drive. There was no way, other then brute force, to change our sitting positions. I doubted she would appreciate my manhandling her just so I could drive. Not to mention that wasn't the way to treat a lady.

"Take the one-oh-one north," I stated briskly.

She started up the truck, jumping ever so slightly at its sound.

I stifled a giggle.

She wasn't afraid to go to an unknown secluded destination with me, a deadly creature of the night, but she was afraid of her truck. Oh, silly Bella.

She reversed the truck out of its spot and started our drive. She kept her eyes glued to the road ahead of her.

I took the opportunity to study how she looked this morning, the small changes in her skin even from when I had left her early this morning. While I continued to observe her, I realised that I had never watched her drive before. I ran through the rest of the accident scenarios that my mind could imagine and the best way of protecting her in each possibility. When I finished running through all those, we were still in Forks. We were crawling. I knew the old beast could go faster than _this._ I _hated_ going slow as equally strongly as I _loved_ going fast. This was going to be worse than I expected.

"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?" I asked unable to totally tame the irritation out of my voice.

I calculated the rate I could make the truck go if I pushed it. Definitely faster than this. Ugh!

"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather–have some respect," she retorted with irritation of her own.

Right. No comments about her truck or her driving. She knew I was a better driver. There really was no reason to point it out despite my irritation.

I went back to watching her, listening to the harmony of her heart and lungs, and paying attention to how the warmth of the truck circulated and strengthened her scent. I memorized each and every aspect that was Isabella Swan. I was being filled with a warm glowing-type feeling that radiated out from my core. Each of these sounds were tied to her life. Alice's vision of Bella dead in my arms invaded my brain. This time my body winced as if the ending of her life would be excruciatingly painful to me. I wasn't sure why I reacted this way, but it changed something inside of me. Bella remaining safe and human became more than just a cornerstone to this new Edward. This was more than a cognitive understanding and conception of myself. Contrary this new awareness the monster was still there, still wanting to consume her. Was this hopeless? As long as she was human and I was a vampire she would be in danger … unless I was in control. Perhaps the monster would always be there, but perhaps she didn't need to always be in danger from it. As long as I remained in control …

Once we were a bit out of town I instructed, "turn right on the one-ten."

I was pleased. Although her scent was strengthening in force and potency as we travelled, I was firmly keeping the monster in its cage. My throat was scorched. Death Valley probably was in a better condition, but I just worked harder to keep the monster where it belonged. It was a penance I had already decided I was willing to pay. Perhaps the atonement I desired really could be possible. Not completely, of course, but enough to relieve a small portion of my burden. Because for the first time in my life I wished I could be less weary.

She saw the turn.

I began to imagine the look Bella would have when she saw my meadow. I hoped she liked it.

Once she was on the one-ten I added, "Now we drive until the pavement ends."

Her eyes had never left the road, but they narrowed slightly. Other than being awfully aggravating slow, she really wasn't a terrible driver. Her face had been tense in concentration, but the narrowing of her eyes was new. What was she thinking?

"And what's there, at the pavement's end?" she asked curiously.

Was this what caused her eyes to narrow? That didn't make much sense to me. I let it go. I wasn't about to tell her where we were going. I wanted it to be a surprise. I also didn't want to lie.

"A trail," I hedged.

It was true enough to the question she asked. I went back to monitoring myself determined that nothing would pass my scrutiny. Maybe this is what Jasper had meant. If I spent less time musing and more time focused on my internal reactions perhaps Bella would have a better chance coming home alive. It wasn't a bad theory.

"We're hiking?" she asked with a nervous timber.

I wondered what would cause what I had heard in her voice. Certainly she knew I would keep her safe from a few bushes and trees. There was no animal in the forest that she need fear with me nearby.

"Is that a problem?" I asked curtly offended at her insult.

I immediately regretted my tone. Ultimately it was her choice. Given her reactions, I expected her no. I hoped that she had seen reason. After my new awareness I was uncertain what would happen to me, but at least she would be safe from me. She didn't deserve to risk her life because of my attraction. And an angel, no matter how ephemeral, was worth much more than a monster like me.

"No," she answered a little too strongly.

No? No, it wasn't a problem? She still wanted to go with me? That made no sense. Her heart had begun to beat slightly faster and her body began to produce the small amounts of adrenaline, which strengthened the monster. Why would she say no despite being scared? Was she afraid that saying no would cause her to look weak? That made no sense. Whatever had her nervous, she wasn't sharing. Was her display of bravery for my sake or her own? I ran through the possibilities of what could be causing her distress. In the mean time I focused on keeping the monster caged, on remaining in control.

"Don't worry, it's only five miles or so, and we're in no hurry," I explained attempted to assuage her unspoken concern.

It seemed like I had said the wrong thing because her heart sped up even more and her breathing quickened. Her body was such a delicate balance of all these functions I began to be concerned that one of them would stop at this rate, but she didn't say a word and her eyes never left the road.

"What are you thinking?" I asked no longer willing to wait.

My concern grew as I waited for her to answer.

"Just wondering where we're going." Her voice shook slightly despite her attempts to keep it even.

I couldn't imagine our location would cause her the concern her body was expressing. She must be afraid of something she didn't want to voice. I wondered what the chances were that her unnamed fear was me. She had made it clear on previous occasions that she wasn't afraid of me, and the look of peace and happiness on her face this morning when she first saw me implied that hadn't changed overnight. Nevertheless, perhaps being alone with me had allowed my warnings to begin to sink in. I also considered, as a possibility, her embarrassment about not being able to walk on a flat even surface. Given that I would be there to help her, that seemed unlikely to be the cause of such a strong reaction. What else could it be? I decided not to press the issue and to play along.

"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice." I attempted to be gentle and inviting.

I glanced out the window estimating when the sky would be clear. Bella looked at the clouds at the same time. I wondered if she was wondering about my skin's reaction to the sun. Perhaps that was what she was concerned about? I pondered what her imagination might have conjured.

"Charlie said it would be warm today," she shared.

I knew it was unlikely, but I was still hoping that she would have shared her plans with her father. Even with Alice there, knowing that other humans knew where she was a powerful incentive to bring her home.

"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?" I asked tentatively.

I counted each second that passed as a hopeful triumph that she had changed her mind.

"Nope." Her tone was definitive.

My hope totally deflated. Of course not. I was incredibly aggravated. I didn't understand this, but I had already known she had some unknown aversion regarding telling her father certain things.

"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" I asked expectantly.

I needed the reassurance that even if Chief Swan didn't know where Bella was that some human knew and would expect her back. It was critical to keeping the monster caged.

"No, I told her you cancelled on me–which is true," she said tentatively but with some hidden strength that I didn't understand.

This was incredulous! Why was she doing this to me? Why was she temping me so? Was she trying to get herself killed?

"No one knows you're with me?" I seethed.

It all seemed so much worse. How was I to keep the monster in its cage without the need to care for the consequences to my family? This was what had saved her on that first fateful day and then again two days ago. My need to protect my family and my desire not to disappoint them were the most powerful allies I had in my fight against the monster.

"That depends …" her pause gave me a sliver of hope, "… I assume you told Alice?"

She was mocking me. Of course my family knew! That wasn't anything close to the same as a human knowing. I could kill her so easily here and there would be no consequences except my red eyes and their disappointment. Not to mention Carlisle's compassion. Could I survive committing another sin and having to face his compassion? As a distraction, I tried to imagine each of their reactions as if I had told them that she had purposefully not told a fellow human that she was spending the day with me. They had already put so much faith in me. No wonder Rosalie was mad at me. If the roles were reverse, I would be livid. This was too much to ask.

"That's not helpful, Bella," I snapped.

I expected a retort. Bella usually had a retort when I spoke harshly, but after the appropriate amount of time for her to respond it seemed that she wasn't planning on saying anything. I couldn't understand this girl! I had explained that I was dangerous! I had even explained an aspect of the risk I was taking, and she chose to do the opposite of what would be helpful. What could be going on in that backwards brain of hers?

"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" I fumed.

What other option was there? No wonder. She was mentally unstable. Great! Someone who didn't treasure her life was driving me in her vehicle to a secluded place. The temptation, as my throat burned and the monster's desire for her increased, was too much to bear. Just my luck. I certainly was fighting fate.

"You said it might cause trouble for you …" I froze, "… us being together publicly."

Oh for the love of all that is holy! She had taken my words and twisted them. This is not what I wanted _at all_. The benefit of her words was that they cooled my throat. Her concern and care for me contrary to her own well-being was staggering and rocked my world. How could anyone be that selfless? How could she put my family's capacity to blend in ahead of her life? I was rocked to my core.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause _me_ –if _you_ don't come _home_?" biting sarcasm coating my words unable to believe what I had heard.

I was incensed. I was the nearly indestructible one. She was breakable. Where in the sane world did the breakable fragile girl attempt to protect the indestructible male?

She nodded, keeping her eyes on the road.

What was I to do? I wished that I had Alice within range. I could call her, but it seemed cowardly to call my _sister_ to check in with her as if I were twelve. I calculated that I could make it to the meadow. There I could count on Alice's wisdom and foresight. I considered the chance that Bella had told Jessica that I had cancelled before Alice's and my conversation. Unlikely, I decided. Our game plan had been set prior to this alteration. It was once I started swearing and cursing that I realized that I was speaking in the quick low murmurs my siblings and I used. To swear in front of a lady was ungentlemanly, so I stopped. The rest of the drive I attempted to be Alice and predict my odds, or rather Bella's odds, with this new information. I had _always_ had the potential exposure of my family's secret holding the monster in check. I went through all my memories starting from the oldest trying to find one, just one example when that hadn't been the case.

Bella parked. She opened her door and stepped out before I fully registered that we had arrived. Once again I had been too lost in my thoughts.

I did the same. As I did, I took off my sweater wanting to feel the air on my arms to help me stay in the moment, in what I now faced. I took a deep breath and it barely contained the seductive aroma of Miss Swan. I had passed the first test. She had survived the ride here. This simple fact gave me a feeling I had rarely ever experienced. I struggled to name it. Drawing on my years of reading Jasper's mind, it was like a hope or conviction in myself, a profound inner belief that I could do what I had set out to accomplish despite the additional burdens Bella, in her attempt to protect me, had given me. I knew this was not a feeling and I was _feeling_ something, but I wasn't Jasper. I focused on this feeling, whatever it was, and attempted to draw strength from it.

"This way," I stated calmly and clearly.

I glanced briefly over my shoulder over to Bella, and took steps into the trees going back to my memory search as a distraction from the reality of what I was about to face–taking a girl alone into my hunting grounds with nothing to stop me, not even my sister–and the accompanying images the monster was forcing upon me.

"The trail?" panic filling her tone as she scampered towards me.

I took a deep breath taking fresher air into my lungs. My mouth and lungs knew these tastes. They were what had filled my body before I let the monster out of its cage for the past two years. There were no human minds pressing to be heard to remind me of Carlisle's lifestyle. There were no human scents to remind me of the cost my family would pay if I failed. It was clean air–hunting air. Except today I had brought with me to this space the creature that the monster hungered for most of all. The flavour her panic would produce mixed in with her already delectable scent was bound to trigger the monster. Worst of all, she had scampered _towards_ me. It was too tempting in this space.

I desperately held onto the feeling that I had trouble naming as her life depended on it. No matter how hard I held on, though, I could hear her increased heart rate. A lure to the monster's ears calling it like a siren. On the wind I could taste her adrenaline. A flavour that strengthened the monster. She was afraid. The monster rejoiced in how much better these newly added elements would make the nectar offering itself to be taken. Us being alone, having her follow me into the forest was the monsters perfect scenario. It knew that this was the space where I let it out. It was stronger here. I hadn't considered that. It counted on me letting it out. Greedily it licked its lips and thanked me for holding off so it could have her now–full of fear with no witnesses so it could take its time savouring the banquet that had driven herself to its feeding ground. The only cost would be having to face my family. It counted that as a small price to pay for what would be gained. They would forgive me. It spoke to me in sweet nothings that a lover whispers seducing me into letting it out of its cage.

"I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it," I answered coldly frantically fighting to keep the monster contained, to maintain control.

My only hope was that if I were to lose it Alice would get here in time. How had we not considered this part?

"No trail?" her tone was desperate now.

Her words and tone shook me freezing the murder-induced fog that had already begun to seep into my being and had begun to transform me into a killer. The part of me that was still rational wondered if this could be what she had been concerned about earlier. Hiking? Did she not trust me to keep her safe? That thought left me sad. She wasn't safe with me. I was weak. At that thought, I was reminded of Jasper and how much he hated being weak. I realized that once more I had been suck in my head responding to the seduction of the creature that knew how to tempt me more than any other. I had fought it that first day in Biology and won. I would win today. I remembered Jasper's words and clung once more to the feeling of triumph that I had experienced as I had stepped out of the truck. More of the fog dissipated.

"I won't let you get lost," I said in what I hoped was a reassuring tone.

I turned to her with a teasing smile hoping that she really didn't think that little of me. I really needed her to calm her bodily reactions.

The thought that I might need to reassure her about this incensed me. To fear me would be reasonable, but surely she knew I could keep her safe from everything else in the forest. Had I not risked my family to save her in the accident? Surely, if nothing else, she could trust in that. Her face twisted and contorted between anguish and something else … like horror, but not quite. Had she finally seen the monster, the killer that I truly was? Was now when she would do what I had been telling her to do from the beginning? I would stand here and watch her drive away.

Instantly I was reminded of my new awareness. I didn't want to imagine the pain her leaving would cause me. Nevertheless, I would let her leave me. I would pay the cost for her to be safe. However, for as long as she said yes, she _would_ be safe from the monster within me. My attraction that had transmuted into this unexplainable link to her that had recoiled from the image of her dead by my hands would be stronger than the monster. Her scent, this space, all of it be damned! To hurt her would hurt me. Deep inside me I knew this now. To hurt her would change who I was, who I had worked at becoming. The monster hadn't accounted for this new cost. It was one the monster had never had to account for before. I took in another deep breath–this one to send the monster back to its cage. She would be safe. I would remain in control.

"Do you want to go home?" I asked quietly, all ire gone from my voice.

Say yes, Bella. Walk away before you pull me in even deeper. I can't stay away. Please say yes.

"No," she said assuredly.

A part of me was relieved. I really didn't know what would happen to me once she left. But then I felt afraid. I was going to be alone with my tormentor for miles until we were in range for me to hear Alice. What if I wasn't as strong as I thought I was? My triumph of the ride had been shattered seconds later. What if what had just happened repeated itself, but this time I succumbed to its temptation? What if I couldn't stay in control? Fear was a rare emotion to me. Usually it was accompanied by a threat to my family. And apart from when we had met the wolves, I felt it in small doses. It wasn't a feeling I liked. It made me feel weak. But in this moment it was as refreshing as a mountain lion. Being afraid meant I had something precious to lose. I had never had that, outside of my family, before.

I studied her face. Despite my newly learned skills of face reading, I couldn't understand the look on her features.

"What's wrong?" I asked genuinely concerned and confused now.

In a monotone voice she answered, "I'm not a good hiker. You'll have to be very patient."

Was she afraid of my anger? Like in the car ride back from Port Angeles? I _was_ upset about her putting herself in more danger due to her misguided attempt to protect me. It insulted my manhood that she felt the need to protect _me._ This wasn't like the monster, where I had something to fight in order for her to be safe. I didn't know what to do. She wasn't like my sisters who took my crap and were never afraid of my fury. How could she not be afraid of the monster, but be afraid of my anger? Why did my anger frighten her so much? Last time it caused her to _cry._ I was at a loss. I realized what an ignorant fool I was being. What did I know about females? I didn't know what to say other than to meagrely attempt to alleviate her fear.

"I can be patient," I said emphatically. I could already hear her heart slow marginally. "If I make a great effort," I teased hoping it would garnish a smile from her.

I was already making a great effort, being patient shouldn't be that difficult in comparison. I smiled hoping she would know my sincerity.

She forced a smile back.

Forced or not, I had gotten her to smile. I considered that an accomplishment. Whatever was bothering her was still lingering. Perhaps this was a bad idea after all. I couldn't even be certain that she would say no if she wanted to. She didn't admit weakness easily. Not to mention the parts of my nature that lured her towards me.

"I'll take you home," I promised and waited.

Pointlessly I looked at her hoping that I could hear what was going on inside her head and that my words had helped alleviate whatever was happening with her.

"If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way," she answered acidly.

It seemed impossible that only a hike could cause such a reaction. I weighed my options. I had given her two opportunities to return home–she had refused both time. Although unlikely, she had continued to insist that the emotions I saw was due to some unnamed aversion to hiking. I would show her that I could be patient with her. I had re-caged the monster. She _would_ be safe.

I started walking into the trees fervently attempting to forget the temptations the monster had painted. I needed a distraction. I focused my attention on her gait and walked the same speed, but ahead enough that her warmth wouldn't draw my attention too much. I imagined that we were two humans on a hike rather than a monster leading its meal to a good dining spot. Anytime there was a fern, branch, or other obstacle in the way I would hold it aside for her ensuring to keep the same distance. When our travels took us over fallen trees or boulders I would assist her by lifting her by the elbow and then releasing her instantly once she was on safe ground. Each time my hand tinged at the feel of her skin on my hand. Each time her heart would thud erratically as if she had been exposed to electronic shock therapy. Each time I would attempt to ignore my sensations and her reactions by focusing on my previous task of finding just one memory when I hadn't had the threat of exposure to rein in my natural impulses.

As we walked I would occasionally think of a question I hadn't been able to ask her yet. I asked about her previous birthdays, discovering that they had been either grand affairs that ended in some disaster or days that were absolutely understated, her teachers before Forks, and pets. When she explained that after two dead fish she had given up the whole institution I laughed whole-heartedly. Here was a human who killed animals and had an aversion to human blood. The irony of that was incredibly funny. Being here in the forest without any human thoughts to cloud my head, I was more relaxed allowing me to drop some of the human façade.

Bella seemed a little surprised at the fullness of my laugh, but had no other reaction.

Would she react as nonchalantly if I were to allow the whole mask to drop?

At just less than the two-mile mark to the meadow I could faintly hear Alice's internal humming. I felt a huge amount of relief. I had won the battle against the monster and brought Bella safely to this point. For now on I would have the best ally I knew to aid me in keeping Bella just as she was. I appreciated that Alice wasn't searching for possible futures. I don't think I could take the images that would conjure right now. Nevertheless, the simple presence Alice's inner voice gave me strength. I had that unknown feeling from when I had exited the truck again, although not quite so strongly.

The sun had come out and was filtering through the trees. It was too dense to expose me though. It made me nervous and I tried to image Bella's horror when she saw my skin's reaction to the sun. About an hour later Bella's mood changed. Her movements less careful.

"Are we there yet?" she asked lightly but with a hint of impatience.

I smiled. I was pleased to see her mood improving.

"Nearly," I told her. "Do you see the brightness ahead?" I asked.

She stared ahead and squinted a little at one point. "Um, should I?"

Of course not. How ignorant of me! Her eyes would never see what I could.

"Maybe it's a bit soon for _your_ eyes," I teased while hinting at our differences.

That was the point of today, wasn't it? I brought her here so she could see for herself why she needed to say no to me. I thought about the differences between our kinds. Humans see so little. Then the little they see, most of it they dismiss, as their brains cannot process all the information they are gathering. It certainly aided in hiding in plain sight. Nonetheless, I would easily give up my expanded abilities to dream of Bella. I wondered if I could hear Bella's thoughts if they would be just as jumbled as most humans.

"Time to visit the optometrist," she muttered, once again saying something absolutely absurd.

It was the opposite of the truth. She already saw more than most humans. That was exactly what made her so dangerous.

Her eyes must have been able to pick up the light after another hundred yards as her pace quickened. I let her go first. I wanted her to be able to see the beauty of the meadow without the terrible influence of my body's reaction to the sun. I would ruin it. I wanted her to soak it all in before what was bound to be a horrific moment.

Alice's thoughts were still just her internal humming and occasionally checking in on Jasper. I could see her sitting on a branch of an old oak, her legs dangling off, her back against the trunk. I could never convey how much I appreciated what she was doing for me.

I stood in the shadows were I belonged and watched Bella's eyes widen as she took in the glory of the meadow. She was mesmerized. I watched as she walked slowly through the grass and flowers letting her hands be caressed by the natural beauty. Then she turned. She spun suddenly with a wild look of concern.

She stepped back towards me her eyes wide now with curiosity and wonder encouraging me forward. I hesitated. As much as I had promised, I didn't want to see her reaction when I stepped out in the light and she looked at me in horror at the reality of what I am. She smiled and beckoned me forward with her hand while she took another step towards me. I held my hand up palm facing outward not wanting her to come any closer. Horror was best judged at a distance, I reckoned. She paused and rocked back into her heels as if she was trying to contain her excitement.

I willed myself to take a step forward into the lighter shadows. I knew it would be best for Bella if she saw my natural state in a muted form first. Then she would naturally be disgusted and repelled without the full effect. I contemplated if I wanted to close my eyes in order to avoid having to watch Bella's excitement turn to shock and then revulsion. No, I decided. I knew what I was. I had watched the reality of what I was dawn on each of the men I had killed. I deserved her reaction. I was the monster after all.

Alice was still just humming.

Bella was safe from me at the moment.

I took a step forward into the sunlight.


	42. Chapter 42: The Meadow

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.**

* * *

Since arriving, I had spent most of the time lying in the midst of the grass and flowers with my eyes closed. I could not remove from my memory Bella's look of awe and adoration when I had stepped into the sunlight. My skin's reaction to the muted light had caused no reaction from her at all, so I had taken one more step directly into the rays of the sun. Even after reviewing her reaction multiple times as I had lain here, it made no sense to me. Odder still, through the afternoon she had sat curled up, her chin resting on her knees, staring at me. Her scent in this open space wasn't as nearly as intoxicating as I had expected. Although the sun did make it sweeter, the light breeze meant that nearly always I wasn't surrounded by it despite her proximity. The desires of the monster to hunt were stifled once we entered this sanctuary. The meadow had always been my space to simply be Edward. No humans, no family, no one's thoughts but my own. The monster had always been stilled here. For that I was grateful.

All afternoon I had wished for enough courage in order that I might ask Bella what she was thinking, but I hadn't. Not once. After I had walked past Bella's awed form and settled into the grass, I had remembered this morning's parting words from Carlisle and Esme. I was trying to take their advice. I lay enjoying the sensation of the sun warming me, hearing Bella's symphony of heart and lungs, and having her scent infiltrate me. I was filled with a remarkable uplifting sense of gladness that I could never recall having before. I hummed to myself. Everything since our arrival here had seemed too good to be true. I was waiting to be returned to the horror story in which I lived surrounded by shadows and death. It had yet to come. Not yet.

I heard Bella move slowly towards me, stopping every few seconds as if uncertain. I felt her warmth increasing as she came nearer. Rather than watch her, I decided to keep my eyes closed and focus on the sensations I was having. It was pure pleasure to be able to focus on the physical aspects of her presence. There were no thoughts other than my sister's, whose internal humming made it feel like I was merely listening to a radio. It allowed me, for perhaps the first time, to paying close attention to the reactions Bella stirred in me. Doing so, thus far, had been working to keep the monster firmly contained.

I didn't need my eyes to know what was transpiring around me. Rather, keeping my eyes closed allowed me to better focus on other senses, other sensations. It also ensured that I didn't get lost in her eyes and fail on my war. It was too easy to lose the moment and thus my control if I looked into Bella's eyes, so I hadn't. Additionally, given my certainty that this undeserving afternoon would eventually lead to disgust and rejection, opening my eyes seemed like a calling for the story to end. Despite Bella's presence, I felt comfortable being still. Losing the human fidgets had allowed me to calm my nerves and had aided in my focusing on my internal reactions. She continued inching towards me. Even still, I was shocked when I felt her finger gently caress the back of my hand nearest to her. Out of surprise I opened my eyes.

Bella looked enraptured.

I smiled at the warmth Bella's touch gave me. The impossible seemed to be my present reality. I had been transported to a magical land where the angel healed the monster. By her touch she was soothing scars and closing festered wounds. Her touch dared me to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. I couldn't help but see the irony.

"I don't scare you?" I asked lightly.

It was easy to wait for her answer in this space where I was filled with so many sensations, ones that might have always been there, but until today hadn't been fully acknowledged. Her touch had reawakened that fire in the pit of my stomach.

"No more than usual," she responded.

I smiled wider. So, I did scare her, at least, some. I felt some measure of peace regarding that. I appreciated her honesty. I scared her and she said yes anyway. How was that possible?

She inched closer, putting her whole hand near me, and then tracing my forearm with her fingertips. She was shaking. What from? I couldn't be sure. I supposed that, since I had opened my eyes, the return to my horror story was near. Certainly the running and screaming would come soon. Maybe not exactly that, as Bella wasn't the running or screaming type, but certainly a no. A 'thank you for the lovely time, but now that I can see your alienness, please don't come back again' kind of no. I decided to close my eyes again, bask in whatever surreal moments were left, and just enjoy the memory being created.

"Do you mind?" she asked.

The question caught me off guard and boggled my mind. How could I possibly object? An angel, someone good and kind, was touching my hard cold unyielding skin purposefully without disgust.

"No," I answered simply keeping my eyes closed. I had planned on saying nothing more, but thought it might be worthwhile to add, "you can't imagine how that feels."

To be cold for so many years and to feel as if I was presently being filled with fire and warmth. Words were entirely insufficient. I could see, if this is what my family felt with their spouses, why they always wanted more and how they would protect it at all cost. That was possibly especially true for Jasper who had known darkness and evil even greater than I. I sighed in resignation to the knowledge that it wouldn't last. I would be forced back into the cold. An angel couldn't live where I dwelt.

She moved her hand over my arm and then into my elbow. She went to move my hand over so I flipped it for her. Her fingers froze on my arm. I opened my eyes briefly to make sure she was all right, and then closed them again.

"Sorry," I apologized softly. "It's too easy to be myself with you."

Which is why us spending time together is dangerous for you. The more we are together the easier it is to forget to be slow and soft and gentle and in control.

The sun was moving closer to the horizon and our time was drawing near. I decided that I was ready for her no. I opened my eyes and bolstered my courage.

"Tell me what you're thinking," I whispered hoping that she hadn't heard me and we could go on as if the day never needed to end.

She looked at me and I knew she had heard. I wished that she hadn't.

"It's still so strange for me, not knowing," I attempted to explain.

I watched her, and smelled her, and felt her touching me.

"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time," she replied some of the discontent that she had expressed before when she believes things weren't fair crept into her voice.

"It's a hard life," I agreed jokingly, while I also thought about the burdens my gift had brought me–how difficult my first years into this life had been, knowing things I didn't want to know, carrying information that was sacred to others.

There were more days than not when I had wished my gift away, but I was grateful for the level of security it leant my family. So, every time I wished it away I would take the wish back for their sakes.

"But you didn't tell me," I prodded not wanting ruin our time together with my burdens.

Once again, Bella had craftily manoeuvred the conversation so that she didn't have to share what was happening within her.

"I _was_ wishing I could know what you were thinking …" she paused.

I waited the politely appropriate human amount of time for someone to finish a thought.

She still hadn't spoken.

"And?" I begged.

The waiting was a little harder. I was beginning to feel nervous.

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."

She didn't believe that I was real? I wasn't not supposed to be. I come from myths and legends, horror stories and ghost stories.

She wanted me to be real? I wished that too. I wished that I were human so that I could be with her. I wished she wasn't afraid of me, no, rather, that she didn't need to be afraid of me.

"I don't want you to be afraid," I whispered.

I wished that I wasn't what I am. I wished I could be something else, but I wasn't. I was condemned to this existence. One where she couldn't dwell.

"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."

I half sat up, propping myself up on my right arm leaving my left palm in her hands. I stared into her eyes entranced by the depth and searched for an explanation to what she had just said.

"What are you afraid of, then?" I whispered our faces so close that I could smell her breath.

I had confounding reactions due to her proximity. The monster woke up and greedily began planning the best route to slowly and delectably savour her sweetness. Simultaneously the fire in my belly grew and its desire ripped through me pulsing and throbbing, wanting for me to place my hands on her cheeks and press my lips onto hers and feel her warm pulsating soft lips.

Alice cautioned, _Edward,_ while I was given the images of both possibilities.

Then abruptly Bella moved in towards me stretching out her neck to me and taking in a deep breath. My eyes were drawn to that space just where her neck and collar met, where the skin is thin and the carotid artery is exposed before it hides under bone.

 _EDWARD!_

I darted away. I was at the edge of the meadow close enough to Alice that she could pounce on me if needed. I took some deep breaths clearing my lungs of Bella. The air wasn't completely clean. She had been sitting in this space too long. But it was clean enough.

Bella's expression was distressing. She looked pained and shocked.

"I'm … sorry … Edward."

She must have whispered; the sound was so light. Even though the words rang clear in my ears she sounded deeply regretful as if even a whisper had hurt her.

"Give me a moment," I said back loud enough that I was certain she would hear me.

She sat very still.

I checked myself. I didn't feel like I was in a fog. My mind felt clear and nothing seemed too overwhelming. I believed myself to be in control. I went to ask Alice if I was good, but she was mentally humming again. Her scent was present above me, but it was if she was trying to not be there. I appreciated the illusion she was attempting.

"Thank you," I murmured to her.

"I love her too," she murmured back temporarily breaking the spell.

It was the same answer she had given before. She loved her _too_ as if I already loved her. Alice seemed unquestioningly sure in her tone. I stood watching Bella allowing myself to begin to wonder, did I love Bella? I knew I was attracted to her physically. I felt affection for her. I _liked_ her. I had just spent hours enamoured with her company. I felt indebted to her. It was as if her being was everything I needed. With her I felt emotions I had never felt before–most of them blissful. How would I know if I loved her? Could I compare my feelings to how I felt towards my family, towards Alice perhaps?

After ten long seconds and a few more deep breaths, I was certain that the monster was back in its cage. The fire in my centre was still raging, but I didn't know what it was telling me. Was this feeling a sign of love or merely lust? I walked back towards Bella slowly, in part to not startle her and in part so that ever few feet I could check myself again. I stopped several feet away and sat down crossing my legs. My eyes never left Bella so that I could monitor her reactions. I took a deep breath checking the monster, and then another for good measure. Certainly not asleep, but well put back in its cage. Interestingly, my throat wasn't any more parched than it had been before Alice's warning.

I smiled apologetically. "I am so very sorry," I said sincerely. I tried to find someway to explain to her so that she could see that she had nothing to apologize for without unduly frightening her. "Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?" I teased.

She nodded once. I began to smell her body responding to my presence, the adrenaline entering her bloodstream, preparing her to run or to fight. For the first time her body was responding like other humans–afraid. For the first time I had frightened her. This was what I had waited for; what I knew would come. I didn't want to love her. I didn't want to be attached to her. None of those things were good for her. I didn't want to kill her! Why was the universe torturing me like this? Was this in retribution for all my years of taking lives, of hunting humans?

Surely I was being punished. I couldn't agree more with my need for punishment. I had sinned and sinned grievously. At least Jasper had the excuse of not knowing any better. I knew the righteous path from the beginning and had chosen to walk away. I was a monster. I had been content with my half-existence before she was thrusted upon me. I was enraged at God. Well, I would prove that I didn't deserve to have an angel here with me. I might deserve punishment, but this creature in front of me didn't. I smiled mockingly cursing God for bringing Carlisle into my life, for him listening to my human mother begging him to save me, for taking away my chance at heaven, for him believing that I am _good_.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I?" I sneered daring God to strike me with a lightening bolt. "Everything about me invites you in–my voice, my face, even my _smell_. As if I need any of that!"

I ran at my top speed around the meadow stopping near Alice again.

Alice had stopped humming. She was frozen, even her mind blank in shock, watching me and eyeing Bella.

"As if you could outrun me," I laughed bitterly at my own existence at the arsenal of killing I possessed.

I reached up with one hand and, with a deafening crack, ripped a two-foot-thick branch from the trunk of the spruce and after briefly looking at it and balancing it, I threw it. It shattered against another huge tree, which shook and trembled at the blow.

I darted back in front of Bella stopping two feet away.

"As if you could fight me off," I said softly ashamed of the look on her face that I saw.

In my blind attempt to mock God, I had defiled my sanctuary.

She didn't move. Her eyes had that stare that my prey had, enraptured by my lure intended to stun them, before they died. I didn't want her to be my prey. I didn't want to kill her. The anger I held towards an omnipotent God who had allowed me to become this monstrosity faded as I saw the terror and resignation contained in her eyes. The memories began to come up one by one of all the men I had killed, all the lives that were snuffed out because of my arrogant need to prove Carlisle wrong and of my wrath at him and at God. The weight of all those lives returned to me. I was cursed with a perfect memory. I remembered each and every one's face right before what was bound to follow–the fear and then awareness of one's own end.

Can you see now? I wanted to ask her. This is the truth of what I am–a monster, a killer, a thing designed so that you would never even have a fighting chance.

It was not who I wanted to be. I wanted to be the Edward of this morning that my parents doted on before sending out. Because I loved her. The thought hit me before I could count the cost of its truth. Alice was right. I loved her. The thought released tension inside of me that I didn't even know I was holding. I was in rapture. The jubilation was astounding. How had I not seen this simple truth? I loved someone in a way that wasn't sibling love or parental love.

I thought of Esme's fears of unrequited love. As I allowed the knowledge that I loved her to fill me, its force shocked me. It was like the fire I felt from her touch, a warm glow that forced light into all my creeps and crevices. I knew that I was irrevocably changed. I knew that the way I felt in this moment–such an overpowering, all-consuming, crushing love–would break her fragile body. Certainly Bella could not feel the same towards me. She could never love a monster. It didn't matter though; unrequited love was the most suitable of punishment for my sins. Just the fact that I felt love in all its glory was enough of a gift. This feeling was more than I could have ever asked for. I didn't deserve to love her, but I did and nothing could change that now.

Ironically, I thought back to the first day I had met her. If I had slaughtered her on that first day of Biology, I might have never had the opportunity to experience this moment, this incredible feeling, possibly for the rest of eternity. The irony of that was not lost on me. It felt like the heavens were being cruel. I was in love with the human whose blood called for me to take it more than any others. A human. An ephemeral creature. No matter how much in control I was, her existence was not eternal.

I would never be mated. How could I love Bella with such force and then in a few centuries love another? No. I was raised to believe, and had always held true the belief that love and marriage went together. And I didn't want to marry anyone who wasn't my mate. I wanted the relationship that Carlisle and Esme shared. I was greedy. I didn't want half measures. Certainly, Marcus's fate would be mine. The heavens would have been kinder if I had never known this feeling was possible, but since I had felt it I never wanted it to end. Yet it would. There was no question about that. But this wasn't the time to wallow. No. I had a rare gift. I was in love. I needed to make my love safe. I needed to protect her from the worst parts that dwelt within me. I turned and looked at her and cursed myself for the fear I had placed within her.

"Don't be afraid," I whispered my words dripping with regret and shame.

Even if I wasn't in her best interests, I loved her. I couldn't do anything that might make her afraid. I would be _that_ Edward. After everything my family had done for me and all they had given me they deserved _that_ Edward. Bella with all her trust in me, despite or inspite of her fears, deserved _that_ Edward. I didn't really believe I could be that Edward, but attempting to be, for their sakes, was far better than the alternatives. I might not deserve it, but Bella did. She deserved for me to be more than I had been up to this point. And I would do everything in my power to be what she needed. This was another large element that I could add to the foundation of the new Edward. Only this time I would profess it to the woman I loved.

"I promise …" No. That wasn't right. I was doing more than promising, I was committing to a path. "I _swear_ not to hurt you."

Yes. I swear that I am going to be _that_ Edward. The Edward that would make my parents proud, that would make Carlisle and Esme proud. The Edward that Bella deserved. The Edward that would _never_ bring harm to someone he loved.

"Don't be afraid," I whispered slightly stronger this time as I stepped towards Bella and then sat down in front of her a foot away extremely slowly as to gage myself through each movement. I breathed deeply.

Yes. That was it. The monster was in its cage. I _would not_ hurt this precious being in front of me. How could I have ever considered hurting the woman who had uncovered my capacity to love? I would do more than keep her safe. I would be safe _for_ her. And when she said no to me, as she was bound to, I would respect her choice. Until she left, I would work every moment of every day at being better and I would be grateful that I was in love.

"Please forgive me." I looked into her eyes earnestly, hoping that her eyes were no longer stunned. "I _can_ control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behaviour now," I expanded needing to explain myself.

I waited. Her eyes had softened again, but she was still, her heart beat quickly, and the adrenaline had only slightly lessened.

"I'm not thirsty today, honestly."

I wasn't sure if I was convincing her or even if this statement would detract from her fears. I was at a loss of how to explain that even if I wasn't thirsty, hadn't been since I last night when I hunted, that the monster still yearned for her blood. Then I winked remembering her yes in Port Angeles to her friends. This was my yes. Yes to becoming that Edward.

Unexpectantly she started laughing, although it was shaky and breathless.

Alice came out of her state of shock asking herself, _What is that about?_ I saw her mind race through all kinds of things trying to figure out why Bella would laugh at a moment like this.

I didn't have an answer. This was the mystery that was Bella. It was only one of many things about her that I loved. It dawned on me that I loved that Bella was a mystery. As much as not knowing her thoughts irritated me at times, I liked the mystery more. She certainly wasn't predictable.

"Are you all right?" I asked concerned increasing my volume but keeping my tone soft.

In a, most likely, vain attempt to reassure her of my words, I slowly and gently took my hand and placed it back into hers.

She looked at my hand and then up at me, then back to my hand and started tracing the lines in my hand with her fingertip. She looked up and smiled shyly.

"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?"

I closed my eyes and went back to paying very close attention to my reactions to her proximity. I was more aware of my physical responses but still entirely confused about what it was that I was feeling and what it all meant.

Her body was almost calmed back to its resting state.

"I honestly can't remember," she answered.

I searched my memory and smiled wearily once I knew what was coming next.

"I think we were talking about why you were afraid, beside the obvious reason."

She scowled in remembrance.

"Oh, right."

We sat in silence for long minutes. Just as before, I became nervous that she wasn't going to actually share her thoughts with me.

"Well?" I asked growing impatient.

She looked down at my hand again as if was the only thing in the world.

I tried to go back to focusing on my body's sensations and letting go of my ire.

"How easily frustrated I am," I admitted with a sigh.

For a creature who had lived as long as I had, I sure did act as if a few seconds were life or death sometimes. It was pitiful. For reasons unknown to me, the scripture that said that patience was a fruit of the spirit came to me. I supposed that if I wanted to be _that_ Edward patience would be needed. At least I was getting better at self-control, I mused. I wondered if having one attribute would cancel out the need for another. Probably not, at least from what I had gathered over the years from Carlisle and religious men we had come across. Despite many of them being hypocrites, I had no reason to doubt their theological studies being sound.

She looked back up at me. She looked at my hand again.

"I was afraid …" Yes? I thought but didn't say aloud this time attempting to practice patience and self-restraint. "… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should."

It seemed that Esme's hopes of Bella saying yes to me were not entirely in vain. Bella cared about me in her own way. My lure drew her in and she didn't want to leave it. I could understand that. Had I not felt something similar these past weeks? It might not be love, but she wanted to be in my company even though she knew she shouldn't. It was tender and sweet. It was another incredible gift. I also now understood why she was so hesitant to admit this. She, like me, saw the futility. Yet, despite reality, she still wanted my company.

"Yes," I agreed drawing out the word. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."

Yes, dear Bella, you finally see what I had been trying to tell you. I am not good for you.

She looked up and frowned. Perhaps she didn't like me agreeing or perhaps saying the words out loud made them more real. Either way, her no was coming.

I decided to give her the only parting gift I had to offer–the truth.

"I should have left long ago," I said sighing. "I should leave now. But I don't know if I can."

See how selfish I am, Bella? I am a miser. I covet what I should not. And worse, I love that which I should not covet. I am such a deplorable creature that instead of doing what I should have done–left you alone–I perpetrated one of the few sins that beforehand I had yet to commit.

"I don't want you to leave," she muttered sadly returning her eyes to my hand.

As much as I appreciated her reiterated sentiment, I felt a great sadness at what being my friend would cost her. I could hide my true feelings from her. I would only give her as much as she asked. Right now she was asking for me to stay. I could, but how long would her request last? The inevitable tragic ending to my story had only been made worse by my epiphany.

"Which is exactly why I should." But I had yet found the strength to do it.

I smelled the salty water of tears. I didn't want her to cry. I wanted her to be happy and safe.

"But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should," was my weak attempt at reassuring her. At least for now. We don't have to say goodbye today. Eventually though she would no longer be seventeen. Eventually she would grow up and move on. It was natural. It was what I wanted for her. The thought created pain in my chest I didn't want to have to bear.

Maybe if I could manage to be _that_ Edward, I could also manage to be less selfish–to stay with my family for their sake instead of mine, to do what was best by her even if that wasn't what was best for me. I would like to be _that_ Edward, but I wasn't yet, not yet.

Her face looked like it was brightening.

"I'm glad," she stated as if my words had healed her wounds.

Glad? Glad that I'm a selfish creature and cannot find the strength to do what's right by you? You have it all wrong Bella! Listen to your fear. You just said you were afraid of wanting me too much. Listen to that!

"Don't be!" I snapped and withdrew my hand from hers more gently and slowly this time. "It's not only your company I crave! Never forget _that_." You _must_ listen to your fear. "Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else."

I looked at the trees in front of me, thinking about Alice behind me. How could even Alice, who knew me so well, understand? When she met her mate he was already turned. I knew she loved the Bella of her vision. She was also the one sitting in the tree protecting Bella from me–keeping me from giving into my nature. In part, Bella wouldn't be sitting here if it weren't for Alice. I knew what Alice was pining for, but I couldn't do it. Even for Alice's happiness. I couldn't do anything that would hurt Bella and I certainly couldn't steal her soul away. I might be selfish, but even that was beyond my capacity. The only thing I could do, the only possible option left was to enjoy the moments I had with her until it would end.

"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean–by that last part anyway," Bella stated after many long minutes.

I smiled. I was so easily myself around her I forgot how strange my world must seem to her. Now that she had pointed it out, of course. How could I be so dimwitted to think I was making myself clear? She couldn't possibly have any comparison to draw upon in which to understand me.

"How do I explain?" I asked myself out loud to let her know I had heard her question. I quickly went through some comparisons that she might be able to relate to. "And without frightening you again … hmmmm," I mused to myself.

Without my conscious consent my hand placed itself inside of hers.

"That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth," I explained enthralled at the moment a recognised what I had done.

I sighed, went back to trying to find a comparison, and tried to stay in the present.

"You know how everyone enjoys different flavours? Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?" I settled on.

She nodded.

It was only now, after the words were out, that I realized the stupidity of my analogy. I tried searching for another.

"Sorry about the food analogy–I couldn't think of another way to explain," I expressed feeling the need to apologise again.

She smiled at me.

I smiled ruefully back hoping that I could make myself understandable to her. Perhaps interspecies dialogues weren't my forte. Another thing in which Carlisle surpasses me.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac–and filled the room with its warm aroma–how do you think he would fare then?"

I looked into her eyes trying to read what she thought of my explanation. Then I reconsidered. I didn't think the comparison did it justice.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

I watched as the information began to sink in, while attempting to also keep my self-awareness that I had been practicing all day.

"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" she said teasingly.

I smiled appreciatively. How easily she understood me. Perhaps I wasn't as bad at this as I had thought.

"Yes, you are _exactly_ my brand of heroin."

Impossible really to resist, except for, each time, the love of my family had been stronger with the exception of today. Today it wasn't the love of my family that had aided in me re-caging the monster. Maybe I really could be _that_ Edward. Perhaps, even, I had begun to become _that_ Edward when I resisted that first day and I didn't even know it. I liked that idea. Then an absurd thought hit me–what if the fact that I wasn't as scary to women as I used to be was proof that my resistance of Bella had inadvertently begun that process.

Our kind didn't change, not really. Us Cullens adapted with the times and each location, but the core of who we were didn't change. Those adaptations did cause us to alter, though, even if it was incredibly slow. Jasper would be a good example. It had taken him a while, but it was getting easier for him to resist each year that went by. In comparison, the changes I had been experiencing had been radical and with in an eight week time frame. That was incredibly fast! A blink of an eye really in comparison to nearly a hundred years. What might that indicate?

"Does that happen often?" she asked obviously still digesting the information interrupting my thought.

I guessed we both were adjusting in our own ways to our lives colliding. Both of us trying to understand the other. Like many of her questions, I didn't know how to answer. I looked in front of me and brought my eyes to the tree level that Alice was sitting at behind me while I thought about my family and all they had done for me these past weeks.

Rosalie, through force of will and disgust of her own nature, had never fed on a human, and I wasn't about to ask her about this stuff.

I contemplated telling Bella what Alice had told me when I had asked.

 _You can, if you want_ she informed me gracefully. But there was sadness in her tone and she had done so much for me regarding Bella.

"I spoke to my brothers about it," I stated my eyes not leaving the tree line. "To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's been the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavour."

 _That's kind. Thank you._

I nodded ever so slightly. Then I realised my audience was Bella and glanced at her an apology on my face.

"Sorry."

I studied her reaction out of the corner of my eye. She seemed to be taking it in nonchalantly like everything else about our dietary habits.

"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can."

She was too compassionate, too understanding, too empathetic. She would be a better daughter to Carlisle and Esme than I had been a son. I took a deep breath focusing on the sky right above the canopy of the forest.

"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as …" I went through words until I found the right one, "… _appealing_ as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett had been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."

I waited for the reality of what I was trying to say to hit Bella. I was not hinting anymore.

"And for you?" was her question asked cautiously.

I should have seen that coming. She had a knack of asking awkward questions. The cautiousness in her tone made me wonder if she really wanted an answer. I could only assume yes since she asked.

"Never," I answered emphatically.

Like this. No. What would she think of me now? I had come across others that had smelled good, but no scent had driven me to the brink of losing myself like Bella. For good measure I checked myself again. I drank in her scent with a long breath and monitored the monster. Ironically, it seemed that my epiphany had strengthened the monster's cage.

"What did Emmett do?" she asked after a moment of silence.

Of course she would ask that. She always asked the questions I didn't want to answer. My hands clenched involuntarily as I tried to control the monster rattling in its cage, demanding to have to same relief that had come to Emmett. I forced myself to remember how after the frenzy had stopped he had been riddled with guilt and shame, how he had wished he hadn't let everyone down, especially Rosalie.

"I guess I know," she said softly full of a sorrow that came from sympathy.

She was kind and compassionate, but truly she couldn't possibly understand the weight his actions had brought him that he would carry forever, that he was incapable of forgetting. This was exactly the type of knowledge that I had been trying to save her from. It didn't surprise me that she had reached the conclusion she had. I had hinted at this without such detail since Port Angeles, well, even before, since I had told her I wouldn't be a good friend for her. My world would taint her and force her to carry burdens I refused to allow her to bear.

I looked at her pleading for her to understand, to see the monster in us, and yet not have that look again of being my prey.

"Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?"

It wasn't Emmett's fault. I shouldn't be painting him in such a bad light. He hadn't been in his right mind. I hadn't been in my right mind in Biology. It was impossible that she had lived through that encounter, yet here she was. I must really love my family had been my only conclusion each time I tried to unravel how I had managed to resist.

Her voice was sharp, pained, "What are you asking? My permission?" She inhaled. "I mean, is there no hope then?"

The monster pleaded, yes. Yes, please. But the monster was not me. It would not win. It may not have _her_. _Not her._

"No, no!" I exclaimed forcefully. Her question stunned me. That wasn't what I had been trying to say at all. She really believed that I would be here if there was no hope? Would Alice have allowed me? "Of course there's hope!" I wouldn't be here if there was no hope, Bella. Trust in that. "I mean of course I won't …" but I couldn't say the words. I willed them not to be my reality even in my vocabulary. I looked deeply into her eyes willing her to understand the difference. "It's different for us. Emmett … these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as …" again I searched for the right word, "... practiced, as careful, as he is now."

Then I sat quietly, hoping that she would understand that although the monster wanted her blood I was determined to not let it have her. I liked her like this: warm, heart thumping, breathing, alive. I watched as her brow furled and her eyes were unfocused, lost in concentration.

"So if we'd met … oh, in a dark alley or something …" she finally said seemingly willing to say those final words either.

On one hand, I was relieved that she finally understood the situation. On the other hand, I wished that I could take back that hour. I wished that I had been stronger and that she hadn't affected me as she had. But I couldn't undo the damage. The part in Alice's talk yesterday afternoon when she reminded me how I had never been this hard on others when they had slipped came to mind. How could I follow Alice's advice and stay in control? I had no easy answers. For now, though, I needed to give Bella the full story. She deserved it for all the gifts she had given me.

"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and–" I looked away. I didn't want to admit to her how very close I had been, how very lucky she was to be alive … if the air hadn't moved slightly … I would have lost out on everything I had felt so far today. That was a haunting thought. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."

I scowled at the trees remembering Alice's apology and assumption that I had gone through with one of my plans. Even Alice hadn't doubted that I had succumbed. I glanced at Bella trying to imagine what that day must have been for her.

"You must have thought I was possessed."

Because I was, but not with a spirit, no much worse, by my very nature.

"I couldn't understand why. How could you hate me so quickly …"

She had seen that? She knew I had loathed her in that moment, she had just asked if there was no hope for us, and she sat here calmly? I couldn't wrap my head around all those things being true. But this wasn't the moment to understand Isabella Swan. This was the moment to be truthful.

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own person hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin … I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow …"

I looked at Bella again. Her expression was as if she was falling over. I hoped she wasn't getting dizzy. The truth, above all things, were bound to send her away, away from me, away to safety, because even if I could control myself and she was safe from _me,_ she would never be safe from my world. And as I caused this mess it was my responsibility to clean it up, so I hammered the final nails into my coffin.

"You would have come," I stated assuredly.

I waited now for the words that I knew would come, the words that would keep her safe.

"Without a doubt," she answered calmly.

I reeled. How could she be so rational about her own death while sitting here trusting me? The words I had been certain I would hear had not come. Not yet. My only option, if she were to leave here fully informed, was to continue. So, I did. I explained about her and Mrs. Cope when I tried to change my schedule.

She shivered at that, but never explained why. Too many possibilities came to mind for me to draw a conclusion.

I went on, explaining how I had resisted and left the others, how I had been ashamed of my weakness, how I went to the hospital–she stared in surprise at that–to explain to Carlisle, how I had traded cars with him, had went to Alaska, and my arrogance.

"In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl"–I grinned at how wrong I had been, she was more powerful that I could have ever imagined–"to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back …"

I stared at the trees waiting for her to speak, to send me away. She never said anything, so I decided to continue. I explained how I had hunted more and how certain I had been strong enough to treat her like any other human.

"I was arrogant about it." I paused waiting to see if she wanted to say something yet.

She made no motion that she did, so I continued.

"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind …" I thought about disclosing what Jessica really thought about Bella, but remembered Carlisle's edict, and decided against it "… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." I was frowning remembering my frustrations of trying to understand her.

"But you were too interesting," I explained remembering that first day back from Alaska. "I found myself caught up in your expressions … and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or hair, and the scent would stun me again … Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes." I wanted to leave it at the excuse I had come up with to tell my family. But something propelled me to admit, "At the time, all I could think was 'Not her.'"

I closed my eyes now. All the trouble I had caused my family. I was reliving the memories and then Alice's added on top as well. She knew more than the rest, but I still was embarrassed for her to know the extent of my weakness when it came to Isabella Swan.

"In the hospital?" Bella asked faintly.

I looked up at her. No mention of the story thus far? No words sending me away? Perhaps she was a bit like Carlisle, she needed all the information first. Well, if that was what she needed, I would give it to her.

"I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power–you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." We both flinched as that word slipped out. I continued quickly, "but it had the opposite effect. I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time … the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice." I grimaced at the memory of her vision. "Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay."

I shook my head at the love of my mother, but continued.

"All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you had kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my best to stay as far from you as possible …" physically anyway, didn't stop me from using my gift from spying on you, but thought better of mentioning that part, "… And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair … it hit me as hard as the very first day."

I looked up at Bella again, my confession nearly complete now.

"And for all that I'd have fared better if I _had_ exposed us all at that first moment, then if now, here–with no witnesses and nothing to stop me–I were to hurt you."

Bella looked confused. "Why?"

It was a good question. I wasn't sure why she would want to know, but … How could I articulate the complication?

"Isabella," taking care to pronounce her full name. Then I reached over and playfully ruffled her hair with my free hand. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." I looked down. "The thought of you, still, white, cold …" to be like me, for Alice's vision to come true, "… to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretences … it would be unendurable." And I would have to endure that state for the rest of eternity. I lifted my eyes to hers needing to convey the weight of the change in me, the weight of my revelation today had done to me. I owed her the full truth, even if she wouldn't understand it or reciprocate it. "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."

It was only after the words were out that I realized the implication of them. She had my heart. I loved her. That made her the most important thing to me now and ever, even after she was gone from this earth. I was just as certain of this as I had been that I could never love like this again.

I heard Alice leaving. _Carlisle's right –you're stronger than you think you are._

I kept looking at Bella. I had said the words aloud that left no doubt that I cared about her more than she did me. I loved her. Her feelings could never be stronger or deeper than mine. It was simply a difference in our natures. For better or worse, our kind only ever have one mate. I wondered if, despite what Carlisle had said, that Bella was mine–for I couldn't imagine wanting to live without the beautiful sounds that made her Bella, that made her alive. I had meant every word and yet it was inadequate to express the power of my emotions. I waited for her reaction and waited and waited. Eventually I gave up waiting and just listened to her sounds, felt the sun on me, and felt the burning of my parched throat.

In that state the third new foundational piece to my existence cemented itself into place–I loved her, she would be safe from my nature. Combined with keeping her human and that I could trust her to keep my secrets, this third element created a trifecta on which I could build the new emerging Edward. My whole reality had shifted. Nothing more mattered in this world than these three things. My being was inescapably tied to these three states.

Eventually she spoke. "You already know how I feel, of course. I'm here … which roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." She frowned. "I'm an idiot."

Again, this wasn't what I expected. It wasn't a no. Instead, she was admitting her weakness–she was unable to stay away from me even if rationally she knew it might result in her death. What did this mean?

"You _are_ an idiot," I agreed unable to stop myself from laughing at the ludicrousness our confessions.

But I loved her inspite of it or maybe because of it.

She had chosen, despite of my nature, to honour me with her company. Even though I knew it wouldn't last, nonetheless, it was a precious gift. More than I deserved. I was determined to relish it until she walked away. I felt comforted by the fact that I wasn't surmising anymore. She was saying yes to spending time with me, despite the risks. She had said this in the car ride back from Port Angeles, only this time I knew she had the facts.

She joined me in my laughter, and we laughed together at the idiocy and sheer impossibility of such a moment.

In my new state of being I could genuinely let go and enjoy being with her for as long as it may last. I felt simultaneously freer than I ever had in my existence and more tied to another creature than I ever had before.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb …" I murmured.

She looked away.

"What a stupid lamb," she sighed.

I couldn't agree more, and yet she seemed as unable to stop what had brought her here today as I. She would never feel as strongly about me as I did her, but she felt strongly enough. Enough to decide despite all the evidence to the contrary and known risks to be with me today. Perhaps she felt something more than simply my allure, enough for her to stay despite my confessions.

"What a sick, masochistic lion," I replied.

It was the most ridiculous idea ever and yet here we sat. I stared into the forest for a moment thinking about how Alice would have laughed at my realization saying something like she had last night about how it sure took me long enough. My siblings, I was sure, would agree with both my assessment of myself last night and today. In some ways these truths reflected who I was when I was turned, but could I become more? I had been masochistic even in my sickness. Carlisle told me how I had sacrificed my own health for my mother's. It was obviously a trait I inherited from my mother given Carlisle impression of her. Carlisle and Esme saw more in me. They believed in a different Edward. Maybe, I could shift from the controlling sick masochistic lion. Maybe I could be what I wished I could be for Bella–trustworthy, kind, protective, selfless. More than maybe. I would be _that_ Edward, my resolve strengthened. My three new foundational elements asked me to be that Edward–to love and trust someone beyond myself and my family. I would cherish her humanity, keep her safe, love her, and be with her until she sent me away. In exchange I would risk my life by breaking the law and would trust the one mind in the world that I could not be certain wouldn't betray me. I had already begun this process, but it was no where close to being finished.

"Why …?" she began, and then stopped.

It would be just like Bella to ask why I loved her. She saw herself so unclearly. She might be nervous to ask the question, but I was not to answer it. Why I loved her seemed so simple, so clear to me now that I had allowed myself to become aware of the fact. Simply she was remarkable in every way. I looked at her and smiled waiting for her to finish.

"Yes?" I asked sweetly when I grew impatient.

Then I waited. I listened to her and paid close attention. These new urges seemed to be only growing.

"Tell me why you ran from me before."

Well, that was not what I expected. Could I have been wrong in reading her? She just kept on surprising me. Again, she asked me something I didn't want to confess.

"You know why."

Attempting to deflect, not wanting to have to say the words again.

"No, I mean, _exactly_ what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example seems to be all right."

I assumed she meant the fact that she was rubbing the back of my hand.

Oh, silly Bella. How could you think that you could possibly have done something wrong? It's not your fault that I am designed to lure you in. She really is an idiot sometimes.

I smiled.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."

The smile left as I thought about all the ways I was wrong for her, how dangerous I was. I had even frightened her here in my sanctuary, yet she still sat conveying her yes.

"But I want to help, if I can, not to make this harder for you."

I was filled with a sensation I was uncertain I could name. It was warm, not like desire or when she touched me. A sensation not entirely different to how I felt with the sun on my skin but it was inside of me and started from the centre of my cold dead chest. It was tender and loving. Adoration, maybe? I looked at her. She was serious about this. I was fairly certain that there really wasn't anything she could do. How could it be that she was trying to aid me in me resisting her? I supposed there was some kind of perverse logic in there, but it seemed wrong somehow.

"Well …" I finally said as she was firmly waiting for an answer. "It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness …" I wondered if this would allow her to see how unusual her responses were, "… I wasn't expected you to come so close. And the smell of your _throat_." I stopped immediately.

It was hard to explain, be honest, and not upset her.

I studied her face to see what damage I might have inflicted upon her.

"Okay, then," she said as she tucked in her chin. "No throat exposure." Her tone was jovial but with a current of seriousness.

How ridiculous could she be? As if her walking around like that could somehow change her scent and how she drew me in. She was absolutely absurd.

I laughed.

I reviewed the moments she was concerned about, asking myself if it really was the proximity of her throat.

"No, really," I concluded. "It was more the surprise than anything else."

Yes. The surprise had triggered everything because I wasn't prepared for that proximity, that strength of her scent. Now that I knew it, I could do better, just as I had originally. I raised my free hand and placed it very very gently on the side of her neck to prove my point to her, and perhaps even myself a bit.

She sat quite still for a human.

"You see. Perfectly fine," I proclaimed pleased at myself.

Her skin under my palm was igniting that hunger that grew from my innermost parts and cried to be closer to her. I could feel her pulse increasing. I waited for the fear in her eyes, but instead there was something else–something I couldn't quite name. I could see the extra blood filling her cheeks. My hand began to buzz. I took the hand that was in Bella's and used it to brush her cheek in order to feel that additional warmth on my fingers. My hunger for her nearness was increasing as I moved my hands so that her face was between my hands. Images of her lips filled my mind.

"Be very still," I whispered attempting to warn her in a non-threatening manner.

Gently, I said to myself over and over and over again, as I leaned in towards her. As if this new hunger were the monster, I checked myself. I was fairly certain I could stop if it got to be too much, so I decided to try something else. With my gently mantra I rested my cheek against the hollow at the base of her throat. I forced myself to breath evenly taking in her scent with deep controlled breaths monitoring the monster knowing I could run away again if needed.

Inch by inch paying very close attention to myself I slid my hands down her cheeks onto her neck and onward down her neck.

She shivered.

The movement was jarring and from habit I held my breath and froze. I checked.

She seemed fine.

Perhaps it was just her body's reaction to my temperature. I would have to keep that in mind. Knowing she was okay, I continued moving my hands inch by inch over her shoulders. Carefully holding her in place I brought my face towards her until my nose barely touched her collarbone. Then I moved my nose along her collarbone till I was at her shoulder. I laid my cheek onto her chest, the sound of her heart was so loud it consumed everything else. A sigh escaped my lips. I stayed there listening as her heart eventually calmed, her pulse returning to a more normal rate. I was amazed. I was as close to her than I ever had been. It was closer in proximity that I had ever been to my victims and certainly more intimate.

Despite the proximity the monster sat in its cage silent, seemingly as pleased with her nearness as I was. It was almost as if its cage had become stronger by my other desires mixed with my love. I was lost in her. The warmth radiating from Bella combined with the current pulsing within me became much stronger than I had ever felt before. It felt as if my desire had tamed the monster commanding that Bella would not be taken. The scent that had once woken the monster was now strengthening these other desires. It would not let the monster have her because that would mean the end to this warmth.

Yet, Bella was not safe from these other desires. In fact they were more dangerous to her because they wanted her in a way that was foreign to me. They craved her in a way that I had no practice resisting. They imagined things I had only ever heard in others' thoughts. The sensation was consuming and this action unsatisfying. They only wanted more. They wanted to touch parts of her that should only be her husband's. A small part of me was embarrassed and ashamed by these thoughts. I decreed to these desires _enough_. It would have to be content with this. I had fought the monster for many years. This might be a new kind of hunger, but it would not win either. I _would_ master it if not today, soon. Bella deserved to be safe from me.

I searched myself for any emotion that was not a hunger. There was something there. It was similar in some ways to a sense of satisfaction like on the rare occasions when I had composed a piece that I was particularly proud of or I had done something to make Carlisle and Esme especially proud of me, but not quite. it was something subtler that I couldn't name, but it was pleasant like I needed nothing. I searched my memory attempting to find some correlation. Nothing matched. Something new again; another newness Bella had given me.

Eventually my new desires were becoming stronger and given their newness to me I didn't want to push myself too much. Reluctantly I withdrew myself from Bella. I was surer of my exposure theory than I ever had been.

"It won't be so hard again," I said to myself pleased that I had been able to be that close and the monster not escape.

"Was that very hard for you?" Bella asked.

I pondered her question. There had been some straining moments.

"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?"

I had imagined that if I ever got that close the monster would have torn her throat out and veraciously relish every drop of blood. Had she imagined the same?

"No, it wasn't bad … for me."

I smiled at her wording. It should be bad for her. She should be scared. But she was not. Instead she said it as if she had just experienced an answer to her dreams.

"You know what I mean," I grumbled frustrated at her cool demeanour and uncertain what to do about a lamb willing to lay with the lion.

She smiled. She seemed pleased with my company.

"Here." I took her hand and placed it against my cheek. "Do you feel how warm it is?"

I wondered if her body, at its already warm temperature, could sense the difference in mine from being in the sun. Would she even want to know this about me?

As she felt my warmed skin she whispered, "Don't move."

I closed my eyes and froze. To be in my natural state–not having to make the small movements necessary of the façade of humanity–was relaxing. I took the opportunity of her request to focus on all the sensations swirling around me. There was the slight wind, the feel of the sun on my body, the sounds of the insects and trees and animals in the forest around us, the sounds of the movement of the grass and flowers in the meadow along with all of its life. Then there was the sound of a heartbeat, the rather shallow inhales and exhales of lungs, the movement of fabric on fabric, the shifting of muscles, the gurgling of stomach and intestines, everything that normally would indicate prey.

I breathed in. All the scents entered my throat and lungs, swirling through, categorizing each through taste. There was the pollen in the air, different smells from each of the different wildflowers in the meadow, the tanginess of the grasses in the sunlight, the mustiness from the trees with each kind having its own unique flavour, the scent of animals both of small varieties within a mile and larger animals miles off that was being carried on the wind. Then there was scent of my temptress growing in strength surrounding me, caressing me, calling to me. My body knew this stillness, this focus on senses–it was preparation for the hunt. It was what I did every time I had hunted since I had been turned. This my body knew well and it prepared itself what was inevitably next.

None of this compared to the onslaught of her warmth. Despite the warmth from the sun this was qualitatively different. This was a warmth that invaded me from outside my skin as she inched closer to me, but it was also accompanied by the fire inside of my depths that was igniting my body filling it from the inside out with a warm pulsing. It was if the warmth from her and the fire growing inside of me were attempting to join each other and fuse together into something new. This warmth was so rapturous that doing anything that might diminish this warmth repelled my very instinct. I had expected that in entering my natural state of stillness, especially given my struggles when I exited her truck, that my instincts to hunt would intensify. They didn't. It was odd. I was grateful.

Her inching towards me led to her lifting her hand and caressing my cheek, stroking my eyelid and then the hollow under my eye with her finger. Each place that her body made contact with mine came alive in the warmth adding electric sparks and currents from that spot, around my face, and down my back in unique formations. This continued as she traced around the contours of my nose and then lips. It was if my whole body yearned to kiss those fingers. But she had asked me to be still. Even though my brain was trying to remind my body to be still, something that I had never needed to do in my existence prior, my mouth parted slightly and I inhaled the powerful aphrodisiac emanating from her fingers right into my mouth.

Her taste had never been like this. When I had taken in her scent, as I had asked her to be still, I was focused on ensuring the monster was caged. With my focus on this sensation it was if I was one of the children in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. My brain knew from past experience that this incredibly scrumptious flavour only signalled that each mouth full would be as equally if not more divine. The monster reminded me of particularly delicious prey that I had consumed during my hunting days. All paled in comparison to the delectability of Bella's scent, however. I watched and waited for the venom to fill my mouth and the true creature I am to cry out attempting to force its way out of its cage. The warmth was too strong, even for the monster. My body's natural response did produce some venom, but it was marginal. The fire within me begged for her to draw nearer allowing it to increase in power. Instead she leaned away. I was disappointed and grateful.

I opened my eyes and stared into hers where my world was righted.

Quietly not wanted to disturb the moment I admitted, "I wish, I wish you could feel the … complexity …" how is it that words, my constant companions, seemed to fail me around her, "… the confusion … I feel. That you could understand."

I barely understood. Yet, I wanted to share this with her. I wanted her to understand me in a way that I didn't really understand myself.

I raised my hand wanting to touch her face, but choosing instead to touch her hair and brush it across her face. I _would_ be careful and I _will_ not let this new desire rule me. I would remain in control.

"Tell me," she released her breath as if she had been holding it.

I pondered how to explain.

"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger–the thirst–that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely." This last part had brought the edges of my lips upwards. "But …" I allowed my fingers to touch her lips as she had done to me. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

I watched her face as she took in this.

"I many understand _that_ better than you think."

Yes, perhaps. Perhaps that was what this new desire was–lust. But it felt too rich, too sweet to be the lust I had observed in the thoughts of my cousins. So, once again I was left uncertain and confused.

"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"

Perhaps, despite my extensively greater experience in many ways, this was something she knew better than I.

"For me?" she asked and then paused. "No, never. Never before this."

I held her hands between mine. It was something we shared in common then. We would be figuring it out together. No guide then. I was glad and disappointed.

"I don't know how to be close to you," I admitted to her. "I don't know if I can."

She looked up at me and moved closer to me watching me intensely to make sure I was all right. Eventually her cheek was against my chest.

"This is enough," she sighed and I heard her eyelids close.

The feeling was indescribable. Something between receiving the best gift that you didn't even know you wanted and absolute peace as if the world would never be a dangerous place. I had a wish to wrap my arms around her. I was uncertain as to where the idea came from, but as long as I was careful I could see no harm. Gently I took my arms one by one and placed them upon her body and then pressed my face against her hair taking her scent into me once again. With her this close I could distinguish her scent from the chemical smell left on her hair including the fake strawberry. Despite its unnatural origins it seemed to compliment her scent in a strange way. The feeling I had of having her in my arms like this was like nothing else I had ever experienced. I didn't want it to end, ever.

After a few minutes she said, "You're better at this than you give yourself credit for."

Perhaps. In ways I didn't want to admit she sounded like Carlisle and Esme. They too saw me in a far better light than I saw myself.

"I have human instincts–they might be buried deep, but they're there."

And there was the crux of the problem. The good that I presented, even this simple behaviour was from my human instincts. But that was the lie. My true nature was the monster, the killer that for four years lived off of human blood. Every day I denied my true nature. Every day I controlled the monster and kept it where it belonged and only let it out when I said so. I lived the façade of humanity because I liked who I was better when I pretended to be human than when I gave into my true nature. I liked playing the piano, composing new pieces, making Esme smile, or talking with Carlisle about some new human invention or medical break through. I lived with myself better this way than when I lived as the killer, but it didn't change my true nature. Even this–holding an angel in my arms and my building warmth–did not change my nature, because the warmth came from her. In the end, I would always be this cold stone and only she had the power to make me into more than I could ever be alone.

Somewhere in my brain the passage of time was acknowledged, but I attempted to ignore it by taking in these moments assured that someday soon she would send me away. It made these moments even more precious and my desire to stretch them out even stronger. Eventually, however, she sighed.

"You have to go," guessing her thoughts.

"I thought you couldn't read my mind," she answered a little put out.

"It's getting clearer," I teased, wishing that were true.

I realised that I had probably kept her too long up here. I considered how much quicker it would be if I were to run. The idea filled me with excitement. I took her shoulders pulling her back from me so I could look into her eyes and examine her face.

"Can I show you something?" I asked watching her reaction intensely.

"Show me what?" she responded hesitantly no doubt from all that I had already shown her.

Maybe it had been too much for her. My excitement at the possibility pushed me to ask anyway.

"I'll show you how _I_ travel in the forest."

Her face furled, her eyebrows came together and the crease in between appeared to deepen with time.

"Don't worry, you'll be safe," I said reassuringly. "And we'll get to your truck much faster," I added hoping that would convince her to say yes.

I smiled at the idea of running with her. Her heart seemed to change tempo almost forgetting to pump. I wondered if I was dazzling her. I certainly wasn't trying to.

When she finally spoke she asked warily, "Will you turn into a bat?"

I laughed so hard. Was that what she was worried about? Silly Bella!

"Like I haven't heard _that_ one before!"

Modern myths about our kind usually help people not figure out what we are, but turning into a bat was one of the most preposterous ones.

"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time," she responded sarcastically.

I guessed that whether she believed the myth or not, she was afraid and trying to hide it. The only way that she could understand was to actually do it. And she hadn't said no.

We were on the brink of leaving the meadow with Bella alive. I had accomplished my goal. Once again I had thwarted Alice's vision. More than that, I was leaving the meadow changed. She had changed me. I loved her and I would give her every happiness humanly possible for as long as she would have me. It was much more than I deserved.

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back." I hoped the little jib would push her into her towards defiance.


	43. Chapter 43: Forever Changed

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.  
**

 **The reference to Alice's first year with the Cullens is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction.**

* * *

Bella stood in place looking hesitant.

I smiled at how backward Bella's thinking could be–she had walked into the forest alone with the creature that had admitted to wanting to kill her, but froze in fear to the mention of being carried. The sun was setting and I was impatient. I was certain that I could carry her safely back to the truck. She had no reason to fear this. I reached for her. As I expected, she responded with a racing pulse and a small amount of adrenaline entering her system. She had been afraid of my driving and was afraid of being carried while I ran? What kind of sense did that make? Her instincts were backwards.

Gently, minding the weakness of her muscles and bones, I slung her onto my back. As soon as she was in place, her body responded by clinging to me. It was unexpected, but not unpleasant. In fact, the sensation of her full body next to mine was enrapturing. A new experience! I wondered if what I was feeling was anything like what I had observed in my hunting years of drunken humans. My thoughts felt as if they were soaked in pleasure. I wanted nothing more than for this to continue. If this was anything like the sensation they had experienced of being drunk, no wonder they repeated it night after night.

My whole body pulsed and sang and danced in the same current phenomenon that I had felt when watching Lorenzo's Oil. There were some differences though. One, this time her warmth was not a foot away from my side. It was penetrating me from a proximity I had never dared hope for. Like when she had been near me earlier, her warmth changed how my body felt to me. If this were not rapturous enough, the pulse of the current was more ingrained. It knew its path through my system and navigated it as if its travels were as natural as my venom.

I thought about the reaction that I had after Lorenzo's Oil had ended–the loss of awareness to myself and the next period's strange reawakening of my senses–and compared it to this. Much was the same, so why wasn't I walking around in an unaware daze like last time? The one real difference was my new awareness that I loved Bella. Was it possible that this was what the current had been indicating? Certainly Esme had hinted the first time I had mentioned the current at that being so. Was it possible that my incapacity to see that I loved Bella had put her at risk? Was my acknowledgement of what my heart and body wanted that vital to her, and therefore my, well-being? If that were the case, I had risked her very life because of my stubbornness. That was a chilling thought. But I had no better conclusions. Never again, I vowed. From this moment on I would put my stubbornness to better use: doing everything in my power to ensure her safety

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack," she warned gravely interrupting my musings.

Her voice and her words reminded me that this was new for her as well. Yes, I had made a mistake, but fortunately, thanks to Alice, it hadn't been fatal. I would learn. I would do better. I wondered, then, how Bella was experiencing this newness? Had she made mistakes that she was learning from? Was our proximity having the same reaction to her? A part of me hoped that she was as affected by my proximity, as I was hers, but as I revisited her warning it didn't sound like it. Instead of pleasure, I heard trepidation. She wasn't afraid of me. She had made that obvious in her words and deeds. Did she not trust me by now to keep her safe? If she was safe from me, the fiercest predator in these woods, certainly she had nothing to fear. We were, after all, leaving with her alive.

Despite her concerns regarding my driving, I had brought her home without injury. Not the mention that I had been able to resist her today in much more tempting situation that this one. Certainly she knew that she would be safe travelling with me. I hoped it wasn't a matter of trust. She would just have to see that she had nothing, about this at least, to be afraid of. It was then that I realized what she was asserting by her statement. I found it amusing. Had she not watched how I had broken the tree limb?

"Hah!" I snorted.

Did she really think she weighed more than a feather to me? If were not for her heat, the sensations her body created inside of me, and her scent, I might not have even recognised she was there. As confirmation of her presence, I found her hand, brought it away from my body, pressed her palm to my face, and inhaled deeply.

I was absolutely pleased with my ability to do this and contain the monster. This time the taste of her in my mouth was even more scrumptious. Added to her unique tantalizing scent was the remnants of earth and grass and wildflowers. It added to her bouquet and made it even more appetizing. If I thought time would desensitize me from her being delectable, I had been wrong. Yet like before, her proximity and how it impacted my body's responses firmly kept the monster in its cage. In a strange way that I didn't understand it seemed like the monster wasn't strengthened by her proximity. Or perhaps, reflecting back to my thoughts on the current, the awareness of my love for her neutered the monster in some way. Whatever the reason, I was pleased.

"Easier all the time," I muttered to myself.

I could do this. I could be _that_ Edward. We were leaving and she was alive. The exuberance at my success propelled me forward. I attempted to accelerate at a reasonable pace keeping in mind her fragility. I ran in a way that I had never run before. This was not running away running. This was not clearing my head running. This was not letting the monster out and hunting running. This was joyful prancing running. I calculated my speed and tried to keep in mind what I knew the human body could withstand and her complaint about speed when we had come back from Port Angeles. At times my joy had me forget to keep the speed where she had preferred.

The sensation I experienced from my whole body being engrossed in her warmth and the pulsing of the current brought images of my lips touching hers to mind. So, also while I ran, I considered the possibility of acting on the wish that this fire had yearned for since it first awoke. I tried to calculate the risk involved in attempting such a thing. As we neared the truck, I slowed down gradually, keeping in mind the human's body limit for deceleration, and walked to the edge of the forest.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I asked Bella.

I waited for a response, for her to move in the slightest, but nothing came. It was if she had become statuesque. Only her internal rhythms and warmth told me otherwise. I replayed the run trying to decipher if I had missed anything in her behaviour to indicate this response. I recalled the run, calculated my acceleration rate, calculated my average running speed, calculated my rate as I decelerated, and attempted to discover if at any point I could have caused her injury by merely moving too fast. I ran though all the possibilities of what could be wrong. It didn't help that I couldn't see her face.

"Bella?" I asked concerned now.

Her name seemed to wake her from her frozen state, but only marginally. I dismissed most of my hypothetical theories and felt relieved.

"I think I need to lie down," she gasped as if she had forgotten to breathe.

Bella breathing was vital. My list from my medical training of what could be amiss didn't have shortness of breath. Being pressed against my back had protected her chest. I began exploring the limit knowledge I had over the years from listening to Carlisle of physical reactions caused by psychological states.

"Oh, sorry," I offered uncertain of what else to say.

If her normal fear response was to freeze, could it be strong enough for her to stop breathing? It would be an unusual human behaviour, but then Bella was odd for a human. It unsettled me that this behaviour was more akin to my kind than hers. We naturally froze and stopped breathing in response to something we were not expecting, which allowed our primitive natures to take us over and protect us.

I waited.

She still didn't move.

Before I could decide on the right words to ask next, she said reluctantly, "I think I need help."

I couldn't believe my ears. Bella was asking me for help. Perhaps we were both making some progress in our own ways. A quiet laugh left my lips at my joy at this small admittance on her part. How much I had wanted to know when I could be of assistance to her. Gently I took her hand from my neck and moved her around so that she faced me. I cradled her. Her eyes were wide and contained fear. I attempted to compare the change in her appearance to my other observations of her. I concluded that she looked most similar to when she had screamed about my driving, but worse. I debated about whether me holding her was helping or not. I couldn't imagine her holding on to what, to her, must feel like cold granite would be soothing, so carefully I took her off me and placed her on the ground in front of me as per her request.

"How do you feel?" seemed to be the most appropriate question since her responses were often contrary to my expectations.

She took a longer than usual time to answer. I counted her heartbeat and her breathing. They were moving towards her normal resting rates.

"Dizzy, I think," she answered.

I was grateful for her continued honesty. This allowed me to take better care of her. I flipped through my medical training quickly trying to catalogue what I had learned about humans feeling faint discarding anything that didn't apply in a hope to determine what might be most helpful for her.

"Put your head between your knees," I recommended.

She did so.

Another progress. She had done what I had suggested. I was as surprised as I had been in the nurse's office when she had left when I had told her to. I sat down besides her hoping the proximity would bring her some comfort and selfishly because I didn't want to lose the feeling of her warmth.

She seemed to be purposefully paying attention to her breathing. She would take long slow breaths in and let them out just as slowly and purposefully. Eventually she raised her head and looked at me.

Fortunately, it seemed that her reaction was simply due to fear and I hadn't injured her. Although I was glad that she wasn't hurt, I was upset at myself that I hadn't been aware of her fright while I was running. I had been too consumed with myself.

"I guess that wasn't the best idea." I was disappointed.

Something I had found thrilling had caused her to feel faint. Perhaps I had merely gone too fast. I wondered if there was another way to assuage her fear. I would be terribly disappointed if I couldn't run with her at all, even slowly. It was too easy to be myself with her.

"No, it was very interesting," she attempted, but the weakness of her voice conveyed how poorly her body had responded to it.

I tried to understand this obvious understatement. Perhaps she was being kind in a misguided attempt to not hurt my feelings.

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost–no, you're as white as _me_!" I said attempting to voice my concerns lightly as she had yet to respond well when I pointed out her weaknesses.

Fortunately her heart and lungs were close to their normal rate again. As they calmed, I felt the anxiousness in my body dissipate. I would have never been able to live it down if she left the meadow alive and then was rushed to the hospital because I ran too fast with her. She would shortly be getting into her truck in the same state she came in. I had succeeded even if she was a little dizzy.

"I think I should have closed my eyes," she admitted.

Ah, well, that made sense. It had to be the visual elements of the speed that had unsettled her. Her human eyes probably couldn't keep up with the speed without the stationary cues that, say, the interior of a car gave her. If that was truly the only problem, then that was easily solved.

"Remember that next time," I insisted.

Watching her reaction was exactly what I expected–a combination of disgust and horror filled her features, her heart rate increased and adrenaline began to be excreted–all the signs of terror.

"Next time!" she groaned.

I laughed enthusiastically. Silly Bella! She was terrified of speed–both in the car and while running–but not of me. She had willing risked her life and had made no one aware of spending time with me in an altruistic attempt to protect me, the monster that her blood called to, while her body produced all the signs of terror, not when we were running, but when she was safe and I had merely suggested doing it again. She was backwards. I did not deserve her. And I loved her.

I felt absolutely jubilant! This time, though, instead of wallowing in the weight of being undeserving I felt Carlisle's words echoing through her warmth, and I knew that this was a gift. He was right. I did not deserve her gifts, but nonetheless her absolutely backwards response was exactly what was causing me to appreciate her more. I knew in that moment that I would do everything in my power to keep Bella exactly as she was right now–warm, safe, and backwards–until she sent me away.

"Show-off," she muttered, pulling me out of my musings.

I inched my face closer to hers.

"Open your eyes, Bella," I requested softly and gently.

I did not want to talk to her with her eyes closed, my window to her thoughts and my sense of peace. I needed her peace for what I wanted to say.

"I was thinking, while I was running …"

I paused to consider how I wanted to phrase this. Delicately obviously, but I also needed to verify that I was sure before I said anything.

"About not hitting trees, I hope," she said concerned.

I stifled a laugh. I knew she was serious and laughing at her concern wouldn't be very gentlemanly.

"Silly, Bella," a chuckle escaping my lips despite my attempts to contain myself as I considered all the ways that she was silly. I guessed that I needed to explain. "Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."

I watched her face contort from disbelief to confusion to resignation. How could she accept this difference between us so easily?

"Show-off," she muttered repeating herself.

Her tone implied irritation or jealousy. I didn't understand. I knew that physical things were a challenge to her. I reminded myself about how even humans found her clumsy. Did she not like that I could do some things so much better than her? Had she not seen my demonstration in the meadow? These were an aspect of my nature. All vampires were physically strong and quick. It wasn't something to be envious of. I smiled with the thought that I might never figure out the way her brain works.

"No," I continued deciding that I did want to do this. "I was thinking there was something I wanted to try."

I watched her carefully as I took her face in my hands. Millimetre by millimetre I brought my face closer to hers. As each milometer passed I checked and rechecked myself cautiously ensuring that this was safe, that the monster was caged, that I was in control, and this new strange desire wouldn't crush her. I reminded myself of the test I had forced myself through while we had been in the meadow and that I had passed. I had been able to be near her throat, to lay my head gently on her skin all while keeping the monster contained. That success encouraged me to try this. Nevertheless, with each movement that brought me closer to her I measured my internal state against how it was during that test. I felt confident that if I felt the same now as I had then, she would live through this. Confident yet nervous, I brought myself the last millimetre and did what I had been wishing to do, fantasising that I would do, since the fire inside me had first been lit: I brought my lips to hers.

What happened next didn't come close to what I had imagined or even how I had hoped it might feel like. It was if I were a Christmas tree suddenly lit up. From the crown of my head into every toe, finger, and crevasse of my body I felt warm and like I was pulsing. I no longer felt as if I were stone. I was no longer cold. I was transformed into something else. The current had done something to my body that I did not fully understand, but I felt as if every moment it had entered by body had prepared me for this sensation. I was no longer the being what I had been. I was transformed as assuredly as the venom had changed me. I could never go back.

My brain began to spin faster and faster with this feeling. Somewhere dimly it attempted to monitor Bella's response, but my brain was barely keeping up with me and my mantra of gently because all that my body wanted to do was to crush her, to press myself, all of myself, lips included more and more into her. The monster began to grow in strength from having the taste of her fill my mouth and lungs as this fire inside me took me over. Bella opened her mouth and her scent, not from her skin or hair or outside of her body, but from her insides, filled me. In that instant some part of my brain noticed that Bella was clutching onto my hair desperately and that she was breathing erratically. I froze, my safety escape eliminated. If at some point it became essential to flee, I could not run away with her holding onto me like this.

I could not say for sure what I was expecting Bella's response to be, but this was not it. She seemed to want more of me as much as the fire within me wanted more of her. This was not safe. _Enough_ I commanded. I dared not breath or move fearing anything might tip the scales in the monster's or even the fire's direction. Instead, I focused on decreasing my mind's spinning, ensuring that the monster was firmly where it belonged, and gently pushing her open mouth further away from me.

As I did, Bella began to open her eyes. If the situation hadn't been so dangerous, I might have been awed by her expression, especially articulated in her eyes. It was the combination of ravage hunger, peace, disappointment, and regret.

"Oops," she eventually breathed.

Yes. Indeed. We probably should not do that again.

"That's an understatement."

I wasn't sure what was more accurate–she, by her very reaction, would push me to be the death of her or my desires would be the death of her. Neither sounded appealing. The part of me that had felt warm and animated wanted to calculate the chance of doing that again, but I forced all my mental resources to focus on making sure Bella was safe, especially from me.

"Should I …?" she started to ask while attempting to move back.

Despite the sane part of my brain telling me that space might be helpful, I did not want her any further from me than necessary. Kissing might be a deadly affair, but I wasn't ready to lose the warmth her body provided mine.

"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please," I asked gently and kindly.

Like in the meadow when she had surprised me, I hadn't lost control. That was something. Certainly I had been close to that razor's edge, but it hadn't been like that first day in Biology. I had not even been calculating ways to kill her nor had the monster left its cage. Nor was it like in the hall where I had lost my faculties. Instead, I had merely been too overwhelmed by all the sensations. I could have never prepared myself for what that kiss had done to me.

Nevertheless, the fact that I had gotten so close to losing control _was_ worrisome. I could not risk Bella. I needed to be in complete control. It was the only way to ensure her safety. Nonetheless, she was still near to me and alive. It was progress of a sort. I wasn't sure it was a progress that was in Bella's best interest, but since she was still alive I figured it couldn't be completely bad. It took a while until all of me was at an acceptable level. Finally when I was back to being safe for Bella I grinned. If being this new Edward meant I could be near Bella and not kill her, it was worth any price. Absolutely worth it.

"There," I told Bella.

I was pleased. Maybe I would have been okay without Alice before. It was hard to know for sure. I had been just as caught off guard and Bella had been even closer than in the meadow, yet she was still alive. I had just shown that I could be near her. The trifecta of the new Edward was cemented. No longer just theory and hopes. I had succeeded. Perhaps Carlisle had been right. Perhaps I was stronger than I had given myself credit for. Could better news exist? I was filled with a euphoric sensation.

"Tolerable?" she asked concerned her eyes full of worry and compassion.

I laughed at her wording choice. That had been the best experience of my life. It was far better than tolerable and despite the unexpected reactions on both our parts she was alive. I had beaten Alice's vision!

"I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know," I told her unsure if she would fully understand the gravity of my words.

If I had beaten this vision, I could beat Bella become cold and white. It was three out of four. It would be four out of four. Bella would not end up like me. I would not be that selfish. She would remain like this–warm, human, alive–as I loved her. I was filled with a sense of joy and happiness that surpassed any experience I had ever had previously. I doubted even the word ecstatic was adequate.

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry," she said. Her face drooped.

As surprised as I was at her reaction, how could I be upset about it? She had responded with want and desire. Even though I hadn't smelled it before, due to everything else, I was fairly certain that the new smell emanating from her was arousal. Was it possible that her attraction to me was more than my lure? Could she have had some sort of desire that initiated from her?

"You _are_ only human, after all."

That had to be it. A seventeen-year-old human full of hormones who had threw herself at the first creature who had kissed her, albeit that creature was a _vampire_ who has admitted to wanting her blood. Nevertheless, lots of girls had, mentally at least, thrown themselves at me over the years. I wondered if they would have physically if I had allowed them. Probably. It was a part of my physical appearance, even apart from the lure. As much as I liked the idea of Bella wanting me, I knew more than anything that those types of emotions were fleeting. I could expect that as passionate as she was in the moment, she would eventually lose interest or finally see the horror story that I lived in and leave.

"Thanks so much," she responded with a biting tone.

I pondered what could have caused such a terse response, but after a bit I couldn't find anything reasonable. Another of the mysteries that is Bella Swan, I finally decided. I thought about asking her, but we were having such a good day. I really didn't want to ruin my mood and therefore the day just to satisfy my curiosity. I reminded myself of what I learned the day after I came back to Alaska–that with enough patience the answers would come. I didn't need to rush them.

I thought about Alice and how she had to learn when she first came to our family not to use her gift to peek ahead. She had learned to savour the experiences of life so that she could enjoy the moment. I had no idea how difficult that might have been for her until this moment. Perhaps that was why Alice and I got on so well–despite having eternity ahead of us we were both impatient creatures living in the world of our gifts. Consequently, maybe like Alice I could learn to just enjoy the moment. Yes, that was what I would do. That was what both Carlisle and Esme had recommended after all. I pushed aside my need to know and stood up. I held out my hand to Bella wanting, as always, to be the gentleman.

"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I asked laughing lightly.

Perhaps it was the lure, perhaps it was my physique, nonetheless Bella had responded positively and I hadn't killed her. I counted it as a success.

"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy," Bella explained with some effort. "I think it's some of both, though."

Her honesty pleased me. Today might have been the first time that she had been honest about her state of being. I hoped that our shared intimacy was helping create a greater capacity for her to be truthful with me rather than trying to cover up her weaknesses. I had no way to know how to be with her safely, while she lied about her limits, as that only made things more difficult for me. I thought about how I might try to explain this in a way that Bella could understand and thus adjust accordingly. I couldn't think of any way off hand. Give it time seemed like the best advise for now, so I let it go. I assessed her present state.

"Maybe you should let me drive," I offered.

I really didn't want to drive her slow truck, but more than that I didn't want her to crash. I would feel calmer driving.

"Are you insane?" she exclaimed.

Yes. Obviously. I am in love with the very creature that calls me to end her. We just went and spent the day alone and managed not to kill her. I think that qualifies as insane, but I doubted Bella's question was genuine. Then I remembered she had admitted to being an idiot and I had numerous times thought that she was mentally unstable. Somehow acknowledging that we were insane together made me feel better about my own instability.

"I can drive better than you on your best day. You have much slower reflexes," I said teasingly.

I watched her carefully to see if she grasped that I wasn't trying to insult her.

"I'm sure that's true," she acknowledged somewhat reluctantly, "but I don't think my nerves or my truck, could take it."

She must not realise that when I started driving vehicles couldn't reach the speeds of her truck. Sure, I didn't _like_ driving slow, but that didn't mean I wasn't capable of doing so. Then again, I had avoided telling her how long I had dwelt on this earth.

"Some trust, please, Bella."

She pursed her lips and her eyebrows crunched together in concentration. At least she was considering what I had said instead of just dismissing it outright. After a few moments she shook her head no with a grimace.

"Nope. Not a chance," she declared.

I was surprised. I wasn't sure why she was so attached to her driving her car. Didn't she trust me? How could she trust me not to kill her but not to drive her truck? Did she value her truck over her life? She started to step around me to get to the driver's side when she lost her balance, not in a stumble over her shoe kind of way, but a still a little woozy kind of way. I wrapped my arm around her determined that no harm would come to her.

"Bella, I've already expanded a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk." I chuckled at the reference.

I looked down at her. She looked dazzled to the ninth degree. In fact, she did look a bit drunk. Had I not just compared my reaction to her lips on mine to a drunkard? Was it possible she was feeling something similar? I had no way to tell and I doubted Bella was ready to be _that_ honest with me.

"Drunk?" she said incredulously.

Even the way she said the word made me think of those men stumbling out of a bar insisting that they were fine. I contained the smirk that wanted to penetrate my face.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." I allowed the grin that I was feeling due to my conclusion.

This was more than lure. Lure was a mouse being caught in the stare of the snake. It pulled the prey in and froze it so that the predator could pounce and take its meal. It did not make someone drunk, and although I seemed to be dazzling the ladies more since I started spending time with Bella, no one had ever responded to my presence like this. Then, again, I hadn't kissed anyone before. I wondered if all the girls would have reacted this way. I kept grinning at the thought.

"I can't argue with that." She sighed then held her keys out and dropped them trusting that I would catch them even though my hand wasn't there yet. "Take it easy–my truck is a senior citizen."

So what am I, then? But I said nothing. I was pleased that she trusted it to me. Perhaps she didn't, after all, value her truck over her life. That was good to know. With that concern out of the way, I found her affection for her old truck endearing. I liked that she liked old things. I was certainly older than her truck. More than that, I was glad that she decided to trust me with something she obviously treasured. I wondered once again how she might respond if I were to tell her when I was born.

"Very sensible," I agreed easily.

My heart sang. She was saying yes to my assessment, yes to me taking care of her, and yes to being willing to trust me with her truck. The world seemed brighter somehow.

"And are you not affected at all? By my presence?" Her voice was sharp with irritation.

Of course I was.

You, my dear Bella, have such power over me and have effected me in such profound ways that there are no words.

I thought about how much she had changed me, and what she meant to me. It would be painful to leave her now. I had no words to express what I felt for her, the intensity of my love for her, so instead I bent my face to hers and brushed my lips slowly along her jaw from her ear to her chin and back again. It wasn't like kissing her, but it wasn't as dangerous either. Maybe we could just do this. Even this would be radiant.

I could feel her trembling next to me. It was such a powerful feeling to have her respond in this way.

"Regardless, I have better reflexes," I muttered when the fire had grown and I needed to stop.

In order to show Bella that she could trust me with her truck, and to prolong our time together I drove the speed limit. It didn't bother me to drive slowly, as much as I thought it would. Perhaps that was because I drove with Bella's hand in mine. I turned on a station that played mostly fifties music and sang along while I replayed today. On a few occasions I stared at the sun that I had been certain would cause Bella to leave me. I was still confused and uncertain about her reaction. While other times I glanced at Bella watching the wind play with her hair. It seemed like a day too good to be true.

When I had first awoken in this existence I had quickly gleaned from Carlisle's thoughts what I was and why he had chosen to change me. It was after I had experienced the bloodlust, had resisted to take what I was internally programmed to consume, had rejected Carlisle's belief in fighting the monster, had become the monster, and after four years had returned home repentant that I had fully realised what I had become. Although Carlisle did save me from death, he had simultaneously condemned me to live in a horror show where I was the monster. I was the danger. I was the nightmare.

Yet, I had just spent an entire afternoon with this amazing human girl sitting next to me, the one out of everyone that should have returned me to my killing state, had _kissed_ her, and she had survived the encounter. I had done the impossible. Her scent assaulted me when the wind blew it my direction. I breathed it in gladly. The fire that burned in my throat reminded me that I still belonged in the horror story as the villain, but somehow that fact didn't bother me as much. My remuneration felt truer than it ever had before.

After a bit Bella interrupted my musings by asking, "You like fifties music?"

I wasn't sure if I could adequately answer this question. Then I remembered she was probably attempting light banter that I had observed humans do.

"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" I shook at the memory. "The eighties were bearable," I replied.

It was after I spoke that I realized that I had spoken as if I had lived through those year, which I had, but I hadn't told Bella that. So much for light banter. It was so hard not to be myself around her.

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" she asked tentatively.

I considered why she might be hesitant. Was she afraid to ask the question in some way? I had avoided a direct answer in the past.

"Does it matter much?" I smiled thinking about all the things thus far that should have bothered Bella, but hadn't.

It also reminded me of how long I had existed watching the pairs of my family believing that I was content in my own company. I really had no idea what I had been missing. Despite all the complications and struggles that had brought Bella and I to this moment, it had been worth it.

"No, but I still wonder …" I saw the corner's of her lips turn downward and a small crease appear between her eyebrows. "There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."

I pondered what her reaction might be. Would this be the thing to send her away?

"I wonder if it will upset you," I admitted.

I stared into the sun remembering her awe to seeing me in the sunlight. She hadn't responded how I expected. Would she with this?

After a good while she said, "Try me."

I looked into her eyes finding openness and curiosity. They calmed me in the same way her eyes had the first time I had gazed into them. If it wasn't this, it would be something else. Since she was bound to leave anyway, what did I have to lose? I turned and looked at the sun not really wanting to see her reaction.

"I was born in Chicago in 1901."

I decided to glance at her out of the corner of my eye. She had that same look from the restaurant: open, eager for more, but her features neutral. The corners of my lips moved just the smidge upwards at the similarity yet contrast from then to now.

"Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918," I continued. "I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza."

She gasped just the smallest fraction. I was certain to see the expression of horror that I had been expecting for so long on her face. I turned and looked into her eyes. Instead I found concern and compassion. Was it possible that her gasp was because she felt bad for me? I turned back to facing outward. Dying wasn't so bad. It was living as a monster that was ghastly; it was having to overcome your basic nature in order to not slaughter towns. In comparison, death wasn't so bad.

"I don't remember it well–it was a very long time ago, and human memories fade," I assured her.

I watched her from the corner of my eye. Her concern lifted. It baffled me how she could feel bad about something that didn't bother me. My death, although premature, never haunted me. It was the monster that I had become that stalked my conscious and caused me torment.

"I do remember how it felt," I continued, "when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could forget."

Long ago I had come to terms with what Carlisle had chosen to do. It could not be undone. Other than the horror bits, like my very nature and body, I didn't hate Carlisle for the fate he had condemned me to. He was compassionate beyond compare and he had seen my death as a life cut too short. He wanted to offer me the opportunity to have more than a measly seventeen years on this earth. And I have had that. His choice had allowed me to experience things I wouldn't have otherwise. Nevertheless, it didn't change how much I disliked the vehicle necessary for me to do such things. Even not accounting for my belief that us monsters forfeited our soul in our transformation or that we shouldn't exist, the constant fight against my nature reminded me that unlike Carlisle I would never wish to condemn anyone to this existence, myself included.

"Your parents?" Bella asked still slightly concerned reminding me of our conversation.

This was so many years ago. Her concern was touching, surprised me, and was completely unnecessary.

"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That's why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone."

This I knew from his thoughts. He wanted to make sure that if he ever did change someone, it was someone already dying, and that there would be no one needing to mourn a body. It also meant that if he failed he wouldn't have taken a life. I knew he had struggled with the choice and it was really my mother's plea that had pushed him into it. I had often wondered over the years if she would have made the same request if she had known what I would have become and what I had done. I couldn't imagine she would be proud of the monster I became.

"How did he … save you?"

I nearly smiled. Of course Bella would ask the question I didn't want to tell her. Given her attraction to danger and her curiosity, I had wondered how much of our kind she would truly want to know. Once, as a passing thought, I questioned if Bella would be the kind of human I had heard rumours about–the kind that came to a vampire and gave him or herself willingly asking to be turned. Alice's vision had implied the possibility, and since I knew for certain that Carlisle would never change Bella, I had dismissed the thought entirely. Bella was too good, too kind to want to enter the shadow half-life of my kind. I was confident that this was something on which we would agree–neither she nor I wanted her to become a monster. Despite my conviction on this matter, I still didn't want to give her any ideas. Simultaneously, I wanted to remain truthful.

"It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most human, the most compassionate of us … I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history."

I hoped my words would put and end to any already formed ideas she might have had about asking for details.

I added, "For me, it was merely very, very painful."

I considered saying more about the pain, but I was concerned doing so would garnish more compassion from her, so I said no more. This was enough for her to know–unless Carlisle went back on his word–that a human asking for the change resulted in his or her death. Additionally, that the change itself was excruciatingly painful.

As I reviewed what I had told her and watched her carefully, I realized that I might have given the wrong idea about Carlisle. In her compassion she might be upset with Carlisle. And although I often had wished through the years that he hadn't changed me, he had done so with a pure heart and the best of intentions.

"He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff. They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though somehow, her heart was still beating."

He was lonely and I was dying. I am not lonely and you are not dying. Bella becoming one of us would be the most self-centred self-righteous thing I could imagine. Bella didn't need to worry. Even if there were ever to be the smallest part of myself that would wish to have her forever, I would not ask that of her. If those reasons were not enough, I could not risk her hating me like Rosalie hated Carlisle. She would send me away one day; I expected it. But I could not bear the thought of her hating me.

"So you must be dying, then, to become … "

I wondered why, even though she knew what I was, she didn't speak of it. That night in the car when she did say the word it was barely a whisper. I wondered why that was. But that was not what she had asked. I pondered how to explain without giving too much away.

"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice. It is easier he says, though, if the blood is weak."

Easier to stop because it didn't taste as alluring. I had never been sure how he knew that since all of us had either been sick or had lost a lot of blood, and had all been near death. I had often wondered, once I started hunting humans, how he had found it within himself to stop. Sure, I had been sick. Sure, the blood would have not tasted as sweet with the illness running through me, but it was still human blood. How had he managed to bite me, taste me, and not drain me? I had yet to find the courage to ask in the decades since I returned the prodigal son. Maybe one day in the decades that lay ahead I would.

"And Emmett and Rosalie?"

Of course, she would want to know about my whole family. How did I rarely see where this girl's brain was heading?

"Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize till much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him–he was careful with his thoughts around me." I rolled my eyes. This had to be one of Carlisle's biggest blunders: believing Rosalie and I would be mates. We antagonized each other from the moment we met. "But she was never more than a sister. It was only two years later that she found Emmett. She was hunting–we were in Appalachia at the time–and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her."

I looked at Bella trying to imagine if I could resist her flowing blood and not consume it while running for that long. I wouldn't need to do that, I told myself to push the image away. That was why I would keep her safe. I raised our hands and brushed her cheek with the back of my hand. This warm safe whole human form was exactly how she would stay. I would make sure that no bear or anything else got to her. My new sense of self was dependant on it.

"But she made it," Bella said positively looking away.

What was she thinking? It was still difficult to know what to say without the mental clues that I was accustomed to.

"Yes," I agreed softly. "She saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they live separately from us, as a married couple. But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in high school." I laughed at what the future no doubt held. "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, _again_."

This time I predicted what she'd say next.

"Alice and Jasper?"

They were easier to talk about as Carlisle had nothing to do with their transformations.

"Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance. Jasper belonged to another …" I stopped myself before the word coven came out. Jasper's experiences were so different from ours. "… family, a _very_ different kind of family. He became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she has certain gifts above and beyond the norm for our kind."

Statistically speaking, his experience was common for our kind. While for us to add Jasper and Alice, two that had no venom relation to us, to our family was unheard of outside of Volturi. And if Carlisle's hypothesis was correct, that was primarily because of the presence of Chelsea. Just another way that our family is odd.

I was about to continue, but I could hear Bella forming the words and I guessed right this time as well. Once again I had said too much.

"Really? But you said you were the only one who could hear people's thoughts."

Talking about Alice's gift was dangerous territory. I certainly did not want Bella to know what Alice had seen, especially as I had now thwarted three out of four.

"That's true." Deciding to answer Bella's question directly, but not give away too much. "She knows other things. She _sees_ things–things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change."

I had proven this already and I would again. I chanced a quick glance at Bella to see how she was absorbing this information. I hoped she would recall the last part the most.

"What kinds of things does she see?"

I internally was relieved. This was a much easier question that what I feared she might ask.

"She saw Jasper and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find us. She's most sensitive to non-humans. She always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they may pose."

This also was an important point to stress–Alice would help me keep Bella safe from danger. Bella needed to grasp that.

"Are there a lot of … your kind?"

She still seemed hesitant to name what I was. That was fine. The surprise in her voice surprised me. Had she thought that my family was the only ones of my kind? Had she not considered that there was another whole world that existed invisible, most of the time, alongside hers? Perhaps that was why she hadn't run yet. She had only experienced us and had yet to fully comprehend how odd our family was for our kind. We were the exception to the rule, but I had no desire to expose her to those who hunted normally. If she was tempting to my brothers who loved me and were vegetarian, I didn't even want to consider what would happen if someone like Peter or Charlotte came across her let alone someone who might see our family as rivals.

"No, not many." I answered before she noticed my ponderings and raised more unwelcomed questions. "But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people"–I glanced in her direction checking to make sure that I hadn't unnecessarily upset her with my wording, but she appeared fine so far–"can live together with humans for any length of time. We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us who live …" I pondered the right word again, "… differently tend to band together."

"And the others?"

I pondered how much to say about this as well.

"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything else. But we run across the others now and then, because most of us prefer the North."

Well, except Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett, but now was not the time to wallow in my weakness in comparison to my family. My jealousy for Rosalie's ability to never leave Carlisle's path and remain vegetarian despite everything had yet to leave me. In terms of human life the only one who has killed more than me was Jasper and he hadn't known better. I am far worse than my family by far. I chose to come back, but it didn't assuage my guilt.

"Why is that?" She asked the question as I pulled into her drive and I turned off her truck.

There were no lights around us even the moon. It gave me the advantage. I could see her perfectly knowing that she would not be able to see me well.

I answered by teasing. "Did you have your eyes open this afternoon? Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn't believe how tired you get of nighttime in eighty-odd years."

Her mind was working. I watched as her eyes processed this information more fully.

"So that's where the legends came from?"

My family had endless conversations about this to no conclusion.

"Probably," was all I could muster.

This was not the moment to explain those nuances to her.

"And Alice came from another family, like Jasper?"

Phew, I thought internally. When she said Alice the worst kinds of questions came to me. This was not hard to answer.

"No, and that _is_ a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and Carlisle and known that she would someday become one of us, she probably would have turned into a total savage." And been killed by the Volturi shortly after.

Her gift had saved her in a way. And it has saved my family on more than one occasion, but it came with her nosiness and insistence that her visions were truer than the here and now. Then Bella's quiet stomach noises became louder. Loud enough that she recognized their message.

I felt bad. I hadn't packed a lunch or anything for her. I hadn't really thought her needs through. She was certainly hungry. She hadn't eaten since early this morning.

"I'm sorry," apologizing, "I'm keeping you from dinner."

I didn't really want her to leave, but I also didn't want her to suffer on my behalf.

"I'm fine, really."

There were those famous two words she had used when she didn't want to admit her weaknesses. How could I ever convey to her that her human needs were not weaknesses to me?

"I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forgot."

I looked down guiltily. I would need to remember her needs better next time. The thought that there might be a next time lightened me and a huge grin spread across my face. Bella however looked like she was in mild distress.

"I want to stay with you," she uttered dejectedly.

Ah, was that the source of the distress I had seen? That was easily solved. I waited for her invitation. She sat in silence contemplating with a slight extra heat added to her cheeks.

"Can't I come in?" I asked in what I hoped was a slightly jovial tone.

I would have preferred that she had offered, but perhaps she was hesitant. I wasn't sure of the proper etiquette for a situation like this.

"Would you like to?" she asked sceptically as if, had she asked, I would have dismissed her invitation outright.

I couldn't imagine why she would have thought that.

"Yes, if it's all right."

Before she could open her door I was out mine and to hers at a human pace. I opened it. Perhaps after our time together today she would understand my need to be a gentleman. Maybe that had been the issue. She hadn't seen me in that role as we were friends. Were we still? No. Certainly not. We were more than friends. I had kissed her. That changed things. I hoped that she would know the importance of me being a gentleman in our more than friends relationship.

The moment our hands released the chatter of the surrounding humans' thoughts had entered. By reflex I pushed them into the background. My mind almost impulsively went back to the last table conference. I had been overwhelmed by my thoughts, so I hadn't paid close attention to anything else. Perhaps focusing on where my body had come in contact with Bella's skin and the remembrance of Bella's warmth entering mine at that location had helped me keep my family's thoughts at bay. If that had been true, then us holding hands had allowed a similar thing to occur. Before I could ponder any of this further Bella spoke.

"Very human," she said sweetly with slight admiration.

Her compliment stirred the fire within me. I _liked_ her thinking of me in this way. It made me happy, in fact. I decided to put aside my ponderings till later.

"It's definitely resurfacing."

I closed the door behind her and walked her to the front door staying near enough that if her feet faltered I could catch her. I opened the front door for her.

She paused halfway through the frame as if caught.

"The door was unlocked?" she asked confused and a bit surprised.

It was too late for me to take back my blunder. Why didn't I think these things through when I was around her? The last time I opened the door I had used the key from under the eave. I had done so again in an almost automatic motion forgetting even about the keys in my pocket. I was baffled for an answer. I should have handed Bella back her keys and let her open the door. I didn't really want to answer her question and admit this.

"No, I used the key from under the eave," I hedged.

There was a heavy silence as if Bella expected more. I could see no way to avoid disclosing my addiction to her without lying. Today was not the day for lies. Her sending me away for this seemed like a reasonable thing to do. Even Esme had been concerned. I hung my head.

"I was curious about you," I explained.

I waited nervously expecting that this would be what would cause her to voice her ultimate no and send me out of her life. I intensely listened to her heart rate and breathing hoping they would give me a clue regarding what she was about to say, so that I might prepare myself.

"You spied on me?" she asked stunned.

She, of course, saw through my carefully crafted words. She missed nothing. But where was the anger? The indignation? Her tone was more like someone asking to check facts, making sure they heard right. Well, if she wasn't angry, then there was no need to apologize. Spending the nights with her was my favourite way to pass the evening since I started doing it.

"What else is there to do at night?" I asked matching her even tone.

She walked into the house and turned on a light. Then she moved towards the kitchen. I gently closed the door, went ahead of her sitting in the chair I had imagined I would–her father's–and waited for her to catch up with me. The reality of being invited into her house filled me with excitement. It was similar sensation to when she had first touched me in the meadow, although in a more muted form. I had no idea such a simple gesture, being invited into her home and sitting in her kitchen with her, could provoke such a feeling. Perhaps this was partly why Carlisle and Esme had reiterated courting Bella rather than sneaking around.

I watched her as she walked into the small yellow space, retrieved her dinner from the refrigerator, cut a portion of whatever she had pulled out, put it on a plate, and placed the plate into the microwave. I thought the smell of it cold was repugnant until the smell of it warming up filled the small space. I tried to block it out and to focus on her scent. This, naturally, brought my attention to the fire in my throat, but with the monster under wraps it was manageable. I thought about asking her to open a window to help dispel the smell, but, as it was her house, that seemed rude.

She never took her eyes off the food as she asked casually, "How often?"

"Hmmm?"

Her question distracted me from my attempt to not pull into my lungs the awful tastes the food was creating in the atmosphere. Once my brain caught up with the question I didn't know what to say. I was still trying to handle the smells and to find an answer to her question when she repeated herself as if I had forgotten her question.

"How often did you come here?"

I wanted to be insulted, but then remembered that humans forgot each other's questions regularly. She was treating me as if I was another human, and I liked _that_. However, this was yet again another question I didn't want to have to answer. Another question that my mind had not found a way to answer without lying or exposing my vulnerability to her.

"I come here almost every night," I admitted sticking to the truth.

Even though my brain worked much faster than hers I had been unable to come up with anything else, unless I had lied. I didn't want to face the pain that her sending me away would cause, but better today than a month from now. Not to mention that the truth was still all I had to offer her in exchange to everything she had given me.

I waited anxiously for her response.

She whirled around to look at me.

"Why?" her voice disbelieving and upset.

Well, I had admitted the worst part. There was no way to back out now.

"You're interesting when you sleep. You talk."

I watched her features move from confusion, to awareness, to horror, to embarrassment.

"No!" she gasped, blood filling her face all the way to her hairline.

I had never seen her so embarrassed. She gripped the kitchen counter as if she was going to fall. Now that was not what I expected. I had expected her kitten-tiger anger, her eyes to narrow, and even the slightest possibility that she would demand that I leave. I hadn't expected embarrassment.

"Are you very angry with me?" I asked needing verification, since I often guessed wrong when it came to reading her.

"That depends!" Her voice sounded like she had her breath knocked out of her.

I waited.

Then I couldn't wait anymore.

"On?"

I watched as her embarrassment refused to dissipate.

"What you heard!" she wailed.

Her kitten-anger would have been better. I felt bad. I hadn't meant to cause her this level of distress.

I went over to her and took her hands gentle into mine.

"Don't be upset!" I pleaded. I looked down at her gazing into her eyes. "You miss you mother," I whispered. I might as well spill it all while we were at it. Perhaps it would also help her understand. "You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too _green._ '" I laughed lightly. That statement had confused me for ages.

"Anything else?" she demanded.

I really didn't want to say this part. I was afraid she would be upset and even more embarrassed.

But after much thought I admitted, "You did say my name."

She sighed as if she had lost some sort of battle–another unexpected response.

"A lot?" she asked with quiet trepidation.

I tired to hedge. "How much do you mean by 'a lot,' exactly?"

Instead of another question, she hung her head and uttered declaratively, "Oh no!"

I pulled her again my chest gently attempting to comfort her. I focused my whole attention on her, allowing me to push aside the appalling smell in the kitchen and make sure that I wasn't hurting her in any way.

"Don't be self-conscious," I whispered into her ear. With full sincerity in my voice I added, "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it."

No, I wish for it. She felt and sounded like she was returning to her normal state when the sound of a car came front and centre in my mind. This was definitely a downside of being with Bella–I did not pay attention to my surroundings, as I usually would have. A few seconds later, Bella stiffened in my arms while I could hear Charlie's fuzzy thoughts. I would guess they centred on fishing.

"Should your father know I'm here?" I asked.

Her body tensed and her heart increased its rate slightly.

"I'm not sure …" she seemed hesitant.

I knew there wasn't time for a discussion.

"Another time then …"


	44. Chapter 44: But I am a Man

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.**

 **The work by Cyrus Diaz remains theirs.**

* * *

I unwrapped myself from Bella and went upstairs. I entered her bedroom making sure to place the door exactly as it had been before I had opened it. I positioned myself onto the bed and waited for her.

Bella and her father talked while I thought through the day. Even though I had been determined that Bella would come home, I was still elated that I had succeeded. Any doubt that had remained was shaken away. I loved her. I would not harm her. And I had learned how to keep myself in control. Jasper's advice had held the key. I reconsidered my need to have Alice there. Certainly Carlisle and Esme had appreciated that Bella and I were accompanied. That would have been the case indeterminate of the danger. In addition, I had to concede that having Alice there had, most likely, given me the fortitude that I had needed. Whatever had brought me here didn't matter. What mattered was that I had proven that I no longer needed to be kept on a leash. I was no longer the weakest link as I had been all these weeks. What a relief!

I felt myself begin to growl. I stopped my ruminations to pay more attention to my surroundings; once again Jasper's warning came to mind. I quickly replayed the conversation happening downstairs. I concluded that I had growled in response to Chief Swan's inquiry into Mike Newton's interest in Bella. As if I didn't have enough trouble getting rid of that boy.

My ire increased until I heard Bella respond, "He's _just_ a friend, Dad."

I checked to make sure that my growl hadn't been loud enough to alert Chief Swan to my presence. It was honestly a bit difficult with Bella being mentally mute and Chief Swan being mentally fuzzy. As they continued on with their conversation I didn't pick up anything concerning. I assumed that I had been quiet enough. I had to watch myself in the future. Getting lost in thought around Bella, even if she was some distance away, I began to see was potentially unwise. Growling in her father's presence probably wouldn't give him the best impression. After a bit more I heard Bella walk up the stairs with a strange gait–as if she was being purposefully slow.

She shut the door with effort and then ran on her tiptoes across the room to the window. She looked quite adorable. She opened it easily. It was nice to know that my oiling it had helped her in this small way. She leaned out.

She scanned into the darkness and whispered, "Edward?"

I couldn't contain myself anymore and giggled quietly.

"Yes?"

She whirled around to the sound of my voice, her hand grasping her throat in surprise. That was odd. I wondered why she automatically protected her throat. Had she come to her senses while she talked to her Dad? Had the conversation about Mike awakened her desire to have someone human in her life? The look on her face pulled me out of my concerns. I couldn't help a huge smile from spreading across my face.

"Oh!" she breathed, and then sunk unsteadily to the floor as if she was going to faint.

I wanted to laugh at her. She was quite the sight, but I knew that she didn't like to appear weak, so I pressed my lips together attempting to hold it in.

"I'm sorry," I whispered back.

I really hadn't meant to frighten her.

"Just give me a minute to restart my heart," she replied.

I certainly didn't want to stop her heart. Concerned that I might exasperate her condition I sat up very slowly. Then just as slowly I leaned forward and reached out to her. I gripped the tops of her arms and moved her to sit beside me. Certainly sitting on the bed had to be more comfortable than the floor.

"Why don't you sit with me?" I recommended playfully placing my hand on top of hers. "How's the heart?" I asked even though I could hear it beginning to return to its normal rhythm.

"You tell me–I'm sure you hear it better than I do." Her voice was still raspy and there was a hint of irritation.

I laughed quietly but with my full body. I guess she was actually getting used to what I could do. I couldn't believe how happy that made me. She was accepting me not only in theory, not just in name, but in actuality. She was accepting and adjusting to my true self without questioning my capacities or being scared by them. How I ended up with such an incredible creature beside me was beyond me. I was certain that I hadn't done anything to be given something so precious.

That unknown feeling of being filled and being at rest returned again. I didn't want anything more than what I had in this moment. I sat listening to her heart watching her body calm down.

A poem by Cyrus Diaz titled Contentment came to mind:

A perfect life can't be

found in wealth, it can be taken.

not in popularity, soon you

will be forgotten.

not in beauty, its not permanent.

not in intelligence,

it doesn't make us

higher creation of God.

Instead,

A perfect life can be found

in contentment,

with the things we have,

from the love we give and get,

from the people around us,

and from the faith in God

who give us everything.

As I recalled the poem, I was able to name the feeling I had been having–contentment. I did not merit this feeling. Nevertheless, it was there. Whether I deserved Bella or not, she was the most important thing in my life now. Carlisle's words came back to me again. I would simply have to continue showing myself worthy of these gifts.

After a moment Bella shifted and asked, "Can I have a minute to be human?"

"Certainly," I responded with a wave.

I watched her in interest as she got up out of the bed, went and retrieved her toiletries bag, and walked towards her bedroom door.

"Stay," she commanded me with a stern look before opening it.

Her trying to be stern with was incredibly adorable to me. Certainly no fear.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied in jest.

Nonetheless, I froze showing her that I would comply with her request. I listened as she went through her routine, but I couldn't help going back to where I had left off reviewing the day's events. This time I made sure I didn't immerse myself in my thoughts. Today seemed as impossible as the first day we met. I had managed the impossible not once but twice. Could I really manage the impossibility three times and become _that_ Edward? I remembered my previous convictions. An Edward that protected my family and Bella. An Edward that was as good as Esme believed and as controlled as Carlisle saw. An Edward that was self-less and giving, that put my needs after others, especially Bella's. _That_ Edward would _never_ allow Alice's vision to be actualized. With success ringing in my ears it seemed not just possible, not just likely if I was determined enough, but a true reality. Perhaps it was enough to be my redemption.

I heard Bella leave the bathroom and go downstairs and exchange 'Night' with her father.

She was practically running now up the stairs and pushed the door opened with excited expectation. She turned and closed the door tightly behind her. She smiled and I took that as my cue that I was permitted to move again.

I looked her over and raised one eyebrow.

"Nice."

Her clothes covered enough and were baggy enough to not draw my eye to areas I would rather they not go. That didn't stop the temptation of her scent though. The water seemed to add an earthy quality to it that I remembered from when she had turned her face upwards to the sky.

She grimaced and looked doubtful.

"No, it looks good on you," I reassured her.

Many female minds over the years had imagined themselves in skimpy nightwear or silk or lace. I doubted that I could manage Bella in anything like that. No, this was perfect.

"Thanks," she whispered back coming towards me, then getting on the bed crossed-legged beside me.

She looked down at the floor.

I wished I could read her mind. Instead I satisfied another curiosity.

"What was all that for?"

She wasn't quite back to her resting rate yet. I listened as her body calmed itself.

"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out."

I contemplated that. That meant that her father knew she was acting strangely. Perhaps that explained the Mike comment; he was fishing.

"Oh," was all I could manage. Minutes passed. "Why?" I asked, when even after reviewing my brain's recording of their conversation and Bella father's fuzzy thoughts, I couldn't discover how she would know that.

"Apparently, I look a little overexcited," she explained.

Ah. Her father must be able to read her fairly well. Better than me it would seem. Was she overexcited? I lifted her chin.

"You look very warm, actually." I lowered my face closer to hers and laid my cheek against her skin. Definitely warm. "Mmmmm …," came out as I breathed.

If this was overexcited, I would not complain. The sensation was incredible. Not like kissing her for sure, but still, delightful. I stayed like that enjoying her warmth penetrating my face. She moved a bit so I froze waiting to see what she needed.

"It seems to be … much easier for you, now, to be close to me," she stated slowly.

I relaxed. Humans fidget and move all the time I reminded myself. I pondered her observation.

"Does it seem that way to you?" I muttered as I glided my nose to the corner of her jaw.

I gently moved her hair so that I could bring my lips to the hollow beneath her eye without obstruction.

"Much, much easier."

Her heart rate had begun to pickup again.

"Hmm," was all I managed.

Her warmth and scent penetrated me, wrapped me up, and pulled me in a direction where I had never been before the fire had roared to life. It wasn't easier, I decided. Merely I was sure that I could stay in control. That assurance gave me more freedom, but it still wasn't any easier to manage all the strong sensations pulling at me.

"So I was wondering …" she began as I took my fingers and slowly traced her collarbone.

After waiting what seemed like a reasonable amount of time and having her not continue I asked, "Yes?"

"Why is that do you think?" Her voice shook in a way I had never heard before.

I laughed softly onto her neck my body moving to the jubilancy I felt.

"Mind over matter."

She pulled back. Her movement surprised me. I froze and instinctually stopped breathing. I wasn't sure what I did, but there wasn't room to run away here. In such close quarters I wasn't willing to chance surprises. We might be able to repair our house, but I doubted Bella's father would be as understanding as Esme.

I stared at her trying to figure out what I did.

She stared at me curiously.

Seeing that whatever it was there was no danger to her or her house I began to relax.

"Did I do something wrong?" I inquired.

I reviewed what had happened in case I had missed something the first time.

"No–the opposite. You're driving me crazy," she admitted bashfully with her cheeks filled with blood.

I considered that. Maybe it wasn't just her driving me crazy then. Maybe … just maybe she was accurate in her claim that my touch was as intoxicating to her as her touch was to me.

I couldn't help but smile triumphantly while I asked, "Really?" excitement filling my question.

Her face turned sour. "Would you like a round of applause?" she asked sarcastically.

Yes, actually. Instead I grinned pleased.

"I'm just pleasantly surprised," I clarified not wanting her to be sour. "In the last hundred years or so," teasing her with my age, "I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with … in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it … at being with you …"

It was rather exciting.

"You're good at everything," she retorted.

I shrugged. That wasn't the case, given the disparities in our natures, but I wasn't going to argue. There were a few things I was good at: running, music, and now I could add being with Bella to my list. It was a short list, but it was good enough.

Bella started laughing softly and I joined her.

The reality that we could sit here so close, her alive, and the monster firmly caged was exhilarating.

"But how can it be so easy now?" she asked obviously not wanting to let this go. "This afternoon …"

I wanted to explain, but it again required exposing my fallacy. It would certainly expose the fact that I am not good at everything.

"It's not _easy_." I sighed readying myself for the next part. "But this afternoon, I was still …" I searched for the right word, "… undecided. I am sorry for that, it was unforgivable for my behaving so."

I searched her face, waiting for her to see my weakness.

"Not unforgivable," she said instead with nothing but compassion and care on her face.

"Thank you," I said politely. I smiled at how much grace she had thus far given me. "You see, I wasn't sure if I was strong enough …" I picked up one of her hands and pressed it lightly to my face taking in her scent. "And while there was still that possibility that I might be … overcome"–I breathed in deeply taking her into the deepest part of my lungs tasting her as her scent entered my mouth–"I was … susceptible. Until I made up my mind that I _was_ strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would …" words failed me. I didn't want to say it aloud. "… that I ever could …" I failed at speaking. Usually after a second or so a word would come to me. But this, there were no words to speak. So, I just left it hanging.

She looked at me closely examining me.

"So there's no possibility now?"

I considered. I could not kill the creature I loved any more than I could kill Carlisle or Esme or my siblings. Even the monster knew this.

"Mind over matter," I repeated and smiled.

I wondered if I could manage if her blood was flowing, but quickly put aside that thought. I would just have to prevent that possibility.

"Wow, that was easy," she commented.

I threw my head back and laughed quietly but exuberantly.

If you only knew, Bella, the struggle the torment I have suffered and will suffer every day to be with you.

I was glad she never would, though.

"Easy for _you_!" I pointed out as I touched her nose with my fingertip.

Then the reality of what we were talking about hit me. This was only possible because I paid so much attention, because I ensured that so much of my focus was on her. It would be so easy to relax and let my focus slip. No, this was not easy, but it _was_ worth it.

"I'm trying," the pain of the thought in my voice. "If it gets to be … to much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."

When you no longer wanted me in your life, I would leave. I had at least that much pride left; at least I hoped I did. Human emotions, especially young adolescent female emotions, are fickle. I had observed it decade after decade. It wasn't really until early twenties in my era and presently mid to late twenties that the female mind began to settle. I knew this and I did not care. It would be all worth it, just to have this.

She scowled at me.

I didn't want to frighten her, yet I needed to warn her. I needed her to see the reality of our situation.

"And it will be harder tomorrow. I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch though, I think."

Do you understand, Bella, that this moment is exceptional and not every day can be like today?

"Don't go away, then," she responded full of longing.

The longing surprised me. What was she longing for? Was it simply my company or was there something more? I had no way to know. Asking opened the possibility to too many conversations I didn't want to have. I set my questions aside for now hoping that one day this mystery would be revealed.

"That suits me," I replied with a gentle smile. "Bring on the shackles–I'm your prisoner," I teased.

I wrapped my hands around her wrists certain that her delicate hands would not fit around mine. I laughed quietly again at the idea that I, a creature with superior strength, sight, speed, and reflexes could be held prisoner by a human. But it wasn't just any human; it was Bella, my personally made heroin that had me hooked.

"You seem more … optimistic than usual," she noted observing me closely. "I haven't seen you like this before."

I paused. Had I _ever_ been like this? I had moments of jubilation. I laughed with my siblings and enjoyed conversations with Carlisle, but this was none of those.

"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" I said smiling. "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"

There was no other explanation as to why I felt this light, this _full_.

"Very different," she agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined."

Yes, that was true. I hadn't ever been able to imagine the force of it. I was pleased that it was more forceful than she imagined as well. I understood that she could never hold the strength of emotion that I could. Their strength would break her. Consequently, I felt stronger than her, but her feelings must be strong for her. That was enough.

"For example, the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me …" The memory of that day came back to me and I could not contain a grimace. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?"

I watched her face shift in recognition.

She nodded. "The day you started talking to me again."

It pleased me that was how she remembered it. The strength of her yes to me, even in this statement, astounded me.

"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt–I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I _tried_ not to care. And then the line started forming."

I chuckled at the memory of each of their expressions when she said no, especially Tyler. I noticed she scowled at me. Was she remembering the same thing and recounting her feelings in those moments?

I decided to just continue. "I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure. That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was _right_ , moral, ethical, and what I _wanted_. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry. And then," I quieted my voice even more thinking about that night. "As you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed though me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer."

I was silent for at least a full minute considering if I wanted to reveal the full strength of my weakness when it came to her.

"But jealousy … it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton …" I shook my head attempting to dislodge the images of flaying that boy.

"I should have known you'd be listening," she groaned.

It wasn't like I could turn it off, but now wasn't the time to explain.

"Of course."

I watched her features as she took in what I had said. Then they contorted into something else.

" _That_ made you feel jealous, though, really?" she looked at me doubtfully with a touch of irritation.

She was upset at something, but I couldn't figure out what.

"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh," I tried to explain.

"But honestly," she voice was softer, teasing almost, with the irritation almost removed from her face being replaced with a sort of sadness. "For that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie–Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, _Rosalie_ –was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?"

Was it possible that she was jealous of Rosalie? Rosalie would be certainly pleased to hear it.

"There's no competition," I stated hoping to assuage her concern.

I smiled widely at the thought that she was jealous too. I drew her near.

"I _know_ there's no competition," she muttered into my chest. The sensation of her breath on me, even through the clothes was warming and singeing. "That's the problem."

Could she really think I would want Rosalie over her? My previous statement hadn't soothed her as I had intended.

"Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her own way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me." I became more serious. "For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, and yours … all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet."

I listened as her breathing slowed some as if she were digesting the information through her lungs.

"It hardly seems fair," she whispered in response into my chest. "I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?"

Silly, Bella. Hundred years was hardly anything to an immortal. Carlisle waited three hundred and the Denalis, Tanya, Kate, and Irina, have waited over a thousand.

"You're right," I said lightly with slight sarcasm, "I should make this harder for you, definitely." I moved her right hand into my right joining her other hand so that I could gently stroke her wet hair from her crown to the ends at her waist. "You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity … what's that worth?"

We did have that in common as well–we both were turning our backs on our natures. Mine was to be a monster and her's was to fear monsters. Her turning back on her nature was a far greater sacrifice and placed her in far greater risk.

"Very little," she answered. "I don't feel deprived of anything."

I felt the weight of the words as if they each weighed a ton. Of course she didn't feel deprived. She hadn't really lived yet. As the years passed, assuming we remained like this, she would begin see more clearly every day what she was giving up. The lies, the deceit, the cost to keep me in her life would begin to mount. Even if, in the most improbable of chances, that she never sent me away, it was inevitable that the price of being with me would become too great. I would always be constrained and in not too many years I would have to be hidden. The only possibility of me remaining in her life would be for her to have a human life for the world to see and then have our relationship in the shadows. Her whole life would end up being built on lies and half-truths. She would never be able to share with her family or friends the joy of being a wife or have the possibility of becoming a mother. No. This thing between us was not meant to last. But I would not dwell on that. I would listen to Carlisle's and Esme's advice and enjoy the moment.

"Not yet," was all I could manage to say.

I felt her move slightly, but another noise caught my attention–the stairs. Suddenly I was aware of the fact that Chief Swan's thoughts contained more than a vestige of Bella.

"What–" Bella began, when I froze. She stopped moving as well.

I released her hands and bolted into the closest while I whispered fiercely, "Lie down."

She listened to my directions. Straight away she went under her covers and balled up onto her side. As her father opened the door, she worked at regulating her breathing with slow deep breaths. As soon as he had left and closed the door behind him, I ran over to her bed and wrapped her in my arms. I pressed my lips to her ear.

"You are a terrible actress–I'd say that career path is out for you."

Even for those brief moments I had missed her warmth.

"Darn it," she muttered back.

I started singing her lullaby to her. It felt improper for a moment for me to assume that she would want me here and for us to be lying together on her bed. It certainly wasn't something my first mother would have approved. I paused from my singing contemplating if it would be more proper if I were to get up. However, I didn't want to be so afar from her warmth.

"Should I sing you to sleep?"

I tried to imagine, based on Esme's warning, what would be improper.

"Right," she laughed quietly. "Like I could sleep with you here."

Well, that wasn't a yes, but it wasn't a no. I debated. I decided that I would stay next to her until she indicated that I should leave or ask me to remove myself from her bed. Our present situation might have been improper in my time, but I was trying to let Bella lead, after all. There were some advantages to modern women I smirked to myself.

I reminded her, "You do it all the time."

Memories of watching her sleep flittered through my mind.

"But I didn't _know_ you were here," she replied coldly.

I guess she hadn't totally forgiven me about that. I wondered if I should have apologized.

"So, if you don't want to sleep …?" I left the question hanging.

I was overcome by the torrent combination of her warmth radiating through the covers, her scent, and just being able to hold her.

"If I don't want to sleep … ?"

I chuckled at her wish for me to finish the question despite it being obvious.

"What do you want to do then?"

She seemed to be thinking, trying to decide.

Finally she said, "I'm not sure."

I was wondrously content. Yes, that was the feeling. I didn't want to go anywhere. She could take as much time as she wanted. I was right with the world.

"Tell me when you decide."

I kept taking in deep breaths enjoying having her warmth next to me. I slide my nose along her jaw.

"I thought you were desensitized," she accused lightly.

It somehow made me giddy that she was aware of my nature. She seemed to simultaneously treat me as if I were human while keeping my struggle with my true nature in mind. I had no idea how she did both with equal grace, but it bound me to her even more than before. It made her more somehow.

"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," I teased quietly. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender …" I inhaled again. "or freesia. It's mouthwatering."

She tensed just the smallest fraction of an amount, but the rest of her body indicated calm.

"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get _somebody_ telling me how edible I smell."

There was a teasing tone in her words, but something more. Like her brain told her this information put her in danger, but her body wouldn't comply with the appropriate reactions. I couldn't be sure though. Having her this close made it easier to sense her reactions, but as always her mind was a mystery.

The thought that she too was having a conflict between her mind and body caused me to chuckle softly. As I thought more about the dangerous position she was in and with the possibility that she was fighting her own mind, I sighed. I didn't want that. I didn't want her to have to sacrifice anything on my account. It just seemed so wrong, ungentlemanly or something. I should be adding to her life, not taking things away. I began to frown.

"I've decided what I want to do," she said interrupting my thoughts.

Even though my kind can mentally carry on many things simultaneously, it seemed especially when Bella was so close to me that she garnished my attention in a way that made my own thoughts feel like ghosts whispering in the wind.

"Ask me anything."

I am yours, my love. I filled the time till she spoke again with all the sensations she brought to me.

The question she choose surprised me.

"Why do you do it? I still don't understand how you can work to resist what you … _are_. Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place."

Once again she cut into the heart of the matter. She asked the question most difficult to answer. I searched for the words to explain so that she could understand. I attempted to rationalize our desire to rise above the hand dealt to us, and how we endeavoured to retain in ourselves the best of our humanity in a tone that I hoped implied the seriousness in which we took this effort.

She didn't move.

"Did you fall asleep?" I eventually asked her.

Her breathing pattern didn't sound like she was asleep, but she had fooled me before.

"No," she answered softly.

Me not reading her mind wasn't getting any easier. I wished that I could know what she thought about our noble attempt to be more than what our genes insisted we should be.

"Is that all you were curious about?" I finally decided to ask certain she was still curious.

"Not quite."

Naturally. Bella's curiosity never seemed quenched. She reminded me of Carlisle in that way.

"What else do you want to know?"

I was curious what her brain had been pondering.

"Why can you read minds–why only you? And Alice, seeing the future … why does that happen?"

I shrugged. "We really don't know. Carlisle has a theory … he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified–like our minds, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some precognition, wherever she was."

Then I waited and predicted her next question.

"What did he bring into the next life, and the others?"

It was nice, I found, to talk about my family in this way.

"Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her … tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness."

I chuckled. Maybe she had used it to a better end than I. The number of deaths on her hands was certainly lower than mine. She had also brought her beauty, which I supposed if we hunted regularly would be used to lure in prey. That was a mute point, though, given our dietary choices.

"Jasper is very interesting," I continued. "He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him–calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift."

I remembered when Alice and Jasper had shown up at our house and how I first figured out Jasper's full capacity. Their arrival hadn't created the level of exposure risk that Bella entering our lives had. Nevertheless, that time of our family had certainly been eventful. Not quite as many family table conferences either in such a short amount of time, but still.

Eventually Bella thought of her next question, "So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on …"

"Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate anglefish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds?"

I watched her features as she took that in.

"Let me get this straight–I'm the baby seal, right?"

I laughed. "Right."

Did she now understand my statements about why we _shouldn't_ be friends? I kissed her head and then ran my fingers down her hair.

After a bit I checked, "Are you ready to sleep? Or do you have any more questions?"

I could easily guess at her answer.

"Only a million or two."

I smiled. Of course.

But she was tired.

"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next …"

Momentarily I allowed myself to imagine what it might be like to spend every day for the rest of her life with her.

"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning? You are mythical, after all."

There was a hint of concern? … fear? … in her teasing.

I needed to reassure her that I would keep her safe. I was unable to be far from her anyway.

"I won't leave you."

I can't. You carry with you all that makes me feel alive.

"One more, then, tonight …?"

Then she blushed, warmth being added and her cheeks turning pink. It was beautiful.

"What is it?" I asked when she didn't seem to continue.

"No, forget it. I changed my mind."

Her embarrassment at whatever she was thinking about seemed to be increasing.

I tried to guess at what it might be.

"Bella, you can ask me anything." I had given up trying to guess and went straight to reassurance.

I waited and waited the seconds ticking by. I waited the usual time it took her to respond to something and then even more time. Still she said nothing. I groaned at my own frustration.

"I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and _worse_."

This time she responded quickly for her.

"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."

I filled my voice with all of my persuasive ability and begged, "Please?"

She shook her head. I decided to try a different tactic.

"If you don't tell me, I'll just assume that it's something much worse than it is." Then resumed persuasion. "Please?"

"Well," she finally said.

The suspense was awful. Was I always this impatient? Since I was accustomed to always knowing what people thought and therefore had no need to be patient, I suppose I wasn't bound to be very good at it. It seemed out of place with me being an eternal creature, though. I remembered my realization in the meadow that if I wanted to be _that_ Edward, I would need patience. There was no time like now to practice.

I attempted, but was unable to contain myself, "Yes?"

Then I waited again. This time I tried to be more patient. It finally paid off.

"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon … Is that marriage … the same as it is for humans?"

With each pause her face and neck had gotten warmer and warmer.

I laughed earnestly. So many things she could have asked … I certainly would of reached a worse conclusion than this.

"Is _that_ what you're getting at?"

She fidgeted, but said nothing. It seemed like I might not get an answer. The desires that I wanted combined with her question created impossible images in my mind. Images of us joined together as lovers. I had to get these mental pictures under control before my body betrayed me.

"Yes, I suppose it is much the same. I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."

I could almost hear her mind working it over.

"Oh," she finally managed.

I wondered what specifically she was trying to get at.

"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?"

Then I waited again, longer than normal, but she did finally begin to say something.

"Well, I did wonder … about you and me … someday …"

I froze. I had dismissed those thoughts almost outright knowing that they were fruitless. I couldn't bear children and the risk to my delicate flower was too much. The image that assaulted me was her crushed under my body. No matter what images my desire might produce it didn't change the reality–the risk of her death at my hand. How many men had my cousins killed before they were able to perfect being with a human? There was only one Bella. I noticed that she had stilled. How to say this delicately was the question.

"I don't think that … that … would be possible for us."

She took that in.

"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that … close?" she finally asked.

That too was certainly a problem, despite the monster being well contained, albeit a much lesser concern than the image of her crushed underneath me.

"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." It was hard to admit this, how easily I could kill her. I took my palm and laid it on her cheek to show myself and her, perhaps, that I could control myself. "If I was too hasty … if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredible _breakable_ you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."

I let the weight of what I said penetrate. I waited an appropriate amount of time and still she said nothing. I waited some more and still nothing. With each passing minute my dread that this would be the moment when she would say no and send me away from her grew. A growl escaped my lips.

"Are you scared?" I finally asked unable to live with my fears.

For over a minute she said nothing. Then finally to my relief she spoke. Anything she might say would be better than the waiting.

"No. I'm fine," she declared with a firmness in her voice that I hadn't expected.

I considered all the implications of her questions and what she might be hoping from me. Of all the things that went through my mind the strongest was the resurgence of jealousy. I debated with myself if I wanted the answer to my question. Finally I decided that I did.

"I'm curious now, though. Have _you_ ever …?" I worked at keeping my tone light so that she knew she wouldn't have to fear no matter what her answer.

"Of course not." Her flush was even stronger this time. "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."

A wave of relief filled me all the way to my toes.

Yet, I realized that she hadn't really directly answered my question. Was she hiding something?

"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."

I waited this time not as relaxed as I had been. As the seconds passed the anxiety built up again.

"They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all." She sighed putting me out of my misery.

This time the relief had no counterpart.

"That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least."

I liked the idea that she wasn't any more experienced in this area than I was. We could learn together in whatever was safe for Bella. I settled into holding her and letting her have my attention when she started speaking again. Even this was more than I could have asked for.

"You're human instincts …." There was a long pause again. This time I just waited. Whatever it was she didn't seem to be pulling back her words. I would try to be patient. "Well, do you find me attracting, in _that_ way, at all?"

I laughed at the joy of her concern. Then I lightly rumpled her hair. Ironic. She was concerned that I only wanted her blood. Had I at first? No. Even before I had wanted her blood I had been puzzled by her, irritated perhaps, but no, her blood hadn't been the first thing that had caught my attention. I couldn't imagine a more ironic question.

"I may not be human, but I am a man," I attempted to explain.

I hoped this reassured her. She had no reason to be concerned about _that_. Lots of other things, like her dying at my hand, were reasonable things to worry about. Me desiring her was not. In fact, it was part of the problem. It was a huge part of why I couldn't seem to be apart from her.

She yawned.

I felt bad. I was keeping her awake.

"I've answered your questions, now you should sleep," I insisted.

I hoped that she was listening, instead after a few minutes she proclaimed, "I'm not sure if I can."

I was right. I was keeping her from sleeping. Even though I didn't want to go, I couldn't have that. It was uncouth.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked wanting to give her the choice.

"No!" she said emphatically.

I laughed softly and gently. I liked that she didn't want me to leave anymore than I wanted to go. I thought of ways that might help her sleep. I decided to resume humming her lullaby softly.

Shortly after she drifted to sleep. I knew that I needed to go home. Alice would have seen that Bella was alive, but that didn't leave me bereft of my responsibilities. Concurrently I didn't want to leave Bella's side. I debated. I was probably irritating Alice with my indecisiveness. In the end I stayed through Bella's sleep talking until I knew from her breathing and heart that she was deeply asleep, then I separated myself from her and ran home exuberant from my success but nervous to see my family.


	45. Chapter 45: Coming Home

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.**

 **Miki In Blue Jean's story Faith & Love here on Fanfiction inspired ****Edward's memories of Esme's influence to his and Carlisle's bachelorhoods.**

* * *

I slowed down as I came towards my family hesitant to face them.

I had been extremely nervous to come home after my desertion of Carlisle and Esme years ago. Like the prodigal son, I had missed being loved and I had nowhere better to be. There had been a strong force pulling me back despite my humiliation at my actions. Nevertheless, I had been terrified that I would no longer be welcomed under their roof. I had been nervous to come home after running away to Alaska in January because returning required me to admit my failures, face my cowardice for running, and acknowledge that I had overreacted. This was nothing like either of those experiences, yet I had that similar swirling knot in the pit of my body.

While I had run towards home, I had been trying to figure out why I was feeling nervous. It made no sense to me. I tried to find correlations, but I couldn't. I had nothing to be ashamed of this time. I was coming home the conquering hero, of a sort. What reason did I have to be nervous? Was I afraid of their disapproval in some way? Was I concerned that they would be upset for falling in love with a human? I needed time and solitude to be able to sort through all that I was feeling, both of which were a luxury I could not afford at the moment. My only option was to face my family, deal with whatever lie before me, and sort it out later.

As their mental voices came into range I listened for any reaction to my return, but everyone seemed to be occupied with his or her own activity. Their thoughts, since I had been in range, primarily had little to do with me. Although, at least in some part, they were all wondering or worried about how it went. I came closer to the house expecting to be bombarded by questions. Instead they continued on as if the last twelve hours had been as ordinary as any other day. Perhaps for them they had been.

I opened the front door only to have Esme wrap me in a hug. Even though I knew that she had been thinking about me, worried and hopeful, while in the mist of her project, and I had heard her come downstairs as I approached, still, her intention to embrace me surprised me. When she withdrew from me she studied my face and, observing my surprise, smiled.

 _How did I manage to surprise you, son? That's rare._

I shrugged and smiled back. Bella's influence of distracting me from my surroundings still hadn't worn off was my only thought, but I didn't want to admit that, even if it were true, which I hoped it was not. My brothers would not let me live it down if Bella had made me even softer than Carlisle.

"How is Bella?" she asked with concern written in her expression.

The house stilled, thoughts included, awaiting my response, I assumed. The exception was Alice whose speed of thoughts reminded me of a humming bird about to take off in flight.

I hadn't expected concern from Esme. I thought for sure Alice would have reassured everyone when she had returned home. I pondered the implication of that.

"She's asleep," I said simply.

With that response all their thoughts became focused on me and asked for my attention. I listened to them, as I wanted to know where they each stood regarding Bella and I.

 _I hope he was able to enjoy the experience of being with a young lady_ Carlisle mused to himself.

 _Nervous, uncertain, trepidation, jubilant, proud, happy, in love, and content. Hum, content is new._

 _Glad we don't have to move. Don't suppose he'll stop acting like an idiot now._

 _Asleep huh? Is that some code for sucked her dry? Or maybe it's code for our little Eddie getting his jollies? I wonder if he tired her out?_

I immediately pushed Emmett's thoughts aside. I really didn't want his mental images of what Bella and I did in her bed in my head.

The slight pause between her question and my answer gave Esme this half-smile that made me believe she understood something I did not, but she was thinking about some charity. It was rare for her to block her thoughts. I wondered what she was hiding. She would tell me. She never kept things from me for long.

Then she stepped back and examined me critically from head to foot.

I looked at her quizzically when she returned to my face.

 _You look different. I was assessing the changes._

In the meantime Emmett had barrelled into the room and come close to me sniffing me.

 _You reek of her._ "What did you do?" he sneered in jest, "Go bathe in Bella essence?"

"No," I hissed.

"Did you smear her blood somewhere unseemly?" he deadpanned and then laughed at his joke.

"No," I snarled.

 _Why do you let him rile you up?_ Alice asked me.

 _I wonder if that might mean that I won the bet?_ Jasper wondered.

 _Boys! They're such idiots!_ Rosalie thought.

Carlisle was evaluating Emmett's jokes and my reactions trying to decide if he needed to intervene, but decided to let it go. He trusted Esme to handle us.

"What did you determine, Mother?" I asked her teasingly, lengthening out Mother infusing both love and irritation in the word in my attempt to ignore Emmett.

 _Love suits you._

"Come on," Emmett pouted. "Share."

Emse just looked at him cross and then beamed at me. I couldn't help but respond to her in kind. I had no idea how she knew I was in love, but Esme's insights had always been incredibly accurate.

"Emmett, give your brother a break," Esme requested.

Emmett took a step back, but began evaluating me closely as if I were being interrogated.

Esme grabbed hold on my hands. _I can't wait to meet her. You know that we will love her as she is. It will just be different._ Then her mind began listing what she would need to make Bella feel welcomed: toiletries and food and drinks and …

"Mom," I said her name imploringly, "she's not moving in."

"Of course not," she chastised me. _It's too early for that._ She narrowed her eyes at me. _You are courting her now, then?_

"Yes. We declared ourselves," I admitted embarrassed.

"Oh now we're getting to the good stuff," Emmett boomed. "Did she throw herself at you? Strip her clothes off? Try to manhandle you?"

"Emmett," Esme chastised. "We don't speak about girls like that."

"No," I growled at the same time Esme spoke.

My hands clenched into fists as I forced myself not to punch him.

"The girls have, mentally at least, through the decades. Come on Eddie, did you get a little something something for real this time?"

I went to move towards Emmett. Esme stopped in front of me placing her hand on my chest.

 _Edward,_ she warned.

I looked down at her.

 _Ignore him. He's trying to win a bet. Now, please be honest with me. Were you in her room again tonight?_

"She invited me," I replied softly nervous about Esme's reaction to my admission.

Emmett stood with his eyes wide looking between us both trying to figure out what Esme had asked.

 _You behaved without reproach?_

"Of course," I said in exasperation.

There was a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, but also the deadly seriousness she had when she had threatened me.

 _Edward Anthony you look here. You will not make a fool of her._

"I apologise, Mom. Of course I wouldn't."

Esme seemed to relax.

 _Good._

"You wouldn't what? Would anyone give me a straight answer?" Emmett glared at us.

By this time Carlisle had set aside what he was doing and had come down to greet me with Alice and Jasper not far behind.

Carlisle infinitesimally paused when he caught sight of me. For that briefest of period he looked stunned his mind becoming blank. Carlisle did not get stunned and he was _always_ thinking something, usually more than one thing at a time. It baffled and stunned me. I looked at him attempting to deduce what his reaction was all about.

"Well?" I asked curious and irritated at the attention.

 _You've changed. I wasn't expecting it._

I looked at him dubiously like he was telling me that he had just walked on the moon.

He started laughing lightly and then it gained in strength until his voice filled the whole house.

Esme looked at him joyously and with adoration like she hadn't seen him ever laugh like that. Alice and Jasper looked at him confused and then smiled to see him so carefree. Rosalie came to the top of the stairs. Rosalie even more confused than Alice and Jasper, while Emmett's face lit up.

I remembered Carlisle like this when it was just the two of us before Esme. Had it really been that long? Was this the cost he paid for turning us and being the leader of our family? I wanted to feel sad at this loss, but it was if Carlisle's joy was too infectious. Suddenly we were all filled with the same light youthful joy that Carlisle must have been feeling.

Carlisle's laughter was doing strange things to his thoughts like someone trying to talk while they're giggling. It was in fits and starts and not coherent. My siblings and Esme, except Jasper, were wondering how much of the joy they were feeling was their own and how much was from Jasper. Jasper's thoughts were analyzing the sensation in order to attempt to find the most accurate label for Carlisle's feeling. I took in this information, but more than anything I enjoyed seeing Carlisle shed whatever cloak had hidden this part of him away.

It was like a dam had broken, even after Jasper was able to discern the overflow and reined it in, even after the rest of us were no longer laughing so exuberantly, Carlisle was still laughing. We all stood enjoying the view waiting for our usually serious leader to come back from wherever he had gone. After an hour their minds began to wander back to whatever they were working on before, but none seemed to want to leave this moment.

When Carlisle's laughter returned to his normal volume he looked around at all of us as if his elation had screened us all out and he was just seeing us now. Then he looked devotedly into the eyes of his wife.

He must of seen a touch of sadness in them because the first words he spoke were, "I'm sorry my love, I hadn't meant to keep that from you for so long."

It always amazed me how each of the mates in our house, in their own ways, seemed to know by a look what the other was thinking. A small part of me wished that I could have that with Bella one day, but I rejected it immediately. That wasn't meant to be our ending.

"You never have withheld anything. I am delighted to see you so cheerful in front of your family."

"Ah, yes." His tone was slightly embarrassed.

He briefly considered apologizing to the family, but decided that wasn't appropriate despite his discomfort in the moment. He looked at me.

 _Sorry to make such a public display of my sentiments, my son. Forgive me?_

I nodded even though I wasn't sure how his laughing fit had to do with me.

In typical Emmett style he took what was bound to be an awkward moment as everyone began to wonder _what was_ that _about?_ even Alice, which was a nice change and said, "So, the girl being asleep is that some euphemism? Cause I have a bet going and I need to know if I lost?"

My emotions went in two directions–exasperation with Emmett's attitude and bewilderment towards Alice. The bewilderment won. I looked at Alice quizzically.

 _It would have ruined what happened. This was way better. Trust me._

I had no choice. It already happened. I wouldn't have wanted to do anything that would have changed watching Carlisle laugh like that anyway. It interested me that she had known that he would go into that deep long laughter, but didn't know why any better than I did. For the briefest of moments I didn't feel like the freak in midst of monsters, but then Emmett's loud mental pestering to his question burst my bubble.

I looked directly at him. "Sorry, Emmett. I know you hate to lose a bet, but there was no euphemism implied. Bella is blissfully sleeping in her bed not a drop spilled all day."

After watching his face go from dejection to confusion to excitement, I couldn't contain my laughter.

"Well, Jasper buddy, guess you have to pay up," Emmett told him.

Jasper slumped and muttered something about Alice and me and stupid control. It was rather comical to watch. Why Jasper would bet against the love his wife had for Bella was beyond me.

During this exchange Rosalie was mentally evaluating me. She compared images of me before Bella to now. It was disconcerting to see myself through her eyes and her evaluation. Eventually she concluded, _Won't last. She's not immortal._

I tried to catch her eyes to see if I could read what this thought meant to her, but she seemed to be purposefully avoid my gaze.

Everyone else was looking at me expectantly. I wasn't about to tell them what happened. Nope. I was sure they were all egging to know, but my private life wasn't on view.

I looked at Carlisle since his opinion on what I wanted to ask held the most weight. "Well … I was wondering … hoping … that, um, Bella," nearly everyone was asking me mentally to spit it out and Alice had a vision as soon as I started with what I was going to say. It was very disorientation. I took a deep breath and started again. "Would be all right for Bella to come over tomorrow and meet everyone?"

Everyone's jaw dropped but Alice's. Then immediately a huge smile spread across Esme's face, Carlisle smiled brightly, Alice was ecstatic barely able to contain herself at being properly introduced, Emmett froze stunned, Jasper responded to Alice's emotions, and Rosalie was screaming internally.

Then everyone was talking on top of everyone else. Of course we all could follow each other. That wasn't the problem. We just had decided years ago that it was rude. It was also extremely overwhelming to me that each person was thinking at the same time that they were talking, so I was sorting through twelve different voices. It was possible; it just was a strain.

After a few moments Esme looked at me, suddenly stopped what she was thinking, and said strongly, "Stop it. All of you." Her mind filled with images of comforting me.

Carlisle collected himself. "Objections?" He looked at Rosalie first.

"Absolutely not! I am not having some _human_ here in our house! I have to put of with all their foul smells for enough hours of the day. Not here. Absolutely not!" she said while hissing.

"I don't care," Emmett added while he shrugged. Rosalie was boring holes in him with her eyes. "Doesn't seem safe, though," he added.

Next Carlisle looked at Jasper. "I'll be fine."

I scrutinized him.

He looked back tasting my anxiety.

"I'll keep my distance," Jasper added for Carlisle's benefit as much as for mine.

I knew from his thoughts that he didn't want to be the reason to stop Alice's excitement.

I relaxed not sure if it was because Jasper was sending out relaxing emotions right now or if his promise had soothed me.

"Yes!" Alice looked like Christmas tree. "It'll be great! You'll do fine, Jazz."

"It would be lovely to meet her," Esme could not have been smiling more broadly.

Carlisle weighed it all–the risk to Bella, Rosalie's objections, Alice's assurances, Esme's excitement, and my desire. Then he looked at Rosalie.

"Sorry, Rosalie, it's six to one."

"Fine." She was seething. _You're going to come to regret this. This is playing with fire. Someone is going to get burned. Stupid idiots just wanting to coddle Edward and give him what he wants._

At that point I pushed her mental voice into the background.

She had already turned and had gone back to her room. Then I heard her go out her window and towards the garage.

Emmett looked apologetically, shrugged, and then went after her.

The face that Carline had worn while he was laughing was gone. He had resumed what I could only now understand was the carefully controlled Carlisle. I didn't have the responsibility he did, but I was only beginning to understand the need for such restraint. I had to be so controlled with Bella that I might one day look something like him. I felt that I was turning into him in way that I had previously envied. I wasn't sure I wanted to be more like him any more. The cost he paid was high. I hadn't seen it before. The envy was gone.

"What time are you thinking, Edward?" he asked in his usual calm demeanour.

I pondered his question.

"I can't say. I haven't asked Bella yet. She might say no. And I don't know what time she'll wake up."

We looked at Alice. She debated if she wanted to look, knowing that not looking would increase my capacity to spontaneously react to Bella, but her excitement at the possibility was too great. She saw Bella waking up. There weren't enough shadows in Bella's room to determine the exact time. Then me inviting Bella. The future was fuzzy because Bella hadn't made a decision yet, but a yes was more likely than a no.

"Probable," was her answer.

"Well, I'm not working till later in the afternoon," Carlisle informed me.

I couldn't help the huge grin spreading across my face. I was going to bring Bella here. I was going to show her my room. My excitement grew. Then I began to worry about what she might think about our space or mine. How would I answer the questions she was sure to ask?

 _Don't over think it,_ Jasper reminded me.

"Edward?" Carlisle asked concerned.

I looked down at the floor. "What if she doesn't like it?"

They all started laughing gently like I had made a great joke, but didn't want to laugh at my expense.

"What?" I whined.

Esme looked at me gently. "Edward. Do you really think a human who you spent the day with is going to reject you over décor?"

Okay. When you put it that way, it did sound silly.

"Did you care about what her space looked like?" Esme asked gently.

"Well, no …"

"Well, then," she declared as if that closed the topic.

"I'll rearrange anything that needs to be made more human friendly," Alice offered.

"Okay," I relented feeling slightly less anxious.

"Will she need to be fed?" Esme wondered.

We all looked at Carlisle.

"Probable, but something small and light, a sandwich or cheese, crackers and apples. Something like that." He looked at Esme in adoration. "We could always go through your cookbooks and try to find something together."

"Yes, please." Emse grinned from ear to ear.

Both Alice and Jasper wrinkled their noses.

"Rosalie won't be very pleased to have human food smell in the house," Alice commented.

Esme looked at her. "I know the smell isn't great. I'll do my best to get rid of it, but we do want to make her feel welcome. Don't we?"

Alice paused momentary. "Yes, we do. It'll be worth it."

"That's my girl."

That was my cue to leave.

"I need to change," I stated as I sprinted upstairs.

I got into shower thinking about what Esme had said. She probably was right. The home that Carlisle and I lived in looked a lot less homely than this and Esme hadn't cared, although she did slowly bring a feminine touch to our space. I smiled at the memories as I showered.

Everyone's thoughts were now centred on Bella and her visit. Rosalie was trying to focus on the Jeep and improving its suspension, but every once in a while they would slip into a rant about how I didn't care about the family, the risk I was putting them all in, how I was risking Bella by bringing her here, or what an arrogant self-absorbed pig I was being. If I had only Rosalie's thoughts running through my head, I probably would have changed my mind about inviting Bella over. But I also had Emmett's thoughts reminding himself to be gentle with her, ideas of how to get her to laugh, and ways of embarrassing me. Alice's hyperspeed thoughts were swirling around Bella being here, getting to know her, being friends with her, things they would do together, and how to make her feel welcomed. Jasper's mind was simultaneously evaluating and enjoying Alice's emotional state while telling himself everything possible to keep himself from wanting to bite Bella. Esme was running through a mental list of the house and making sure it had all the things needed for a human and trying to decide what food to make for Bella. Carlisle's thoughts were a mixture of what I could only describe as fatherly pride, worry for the implications of this to me and the family, and curiosity about Bella herself and how she was taking everything. Everyone else's thoughts helped balance Rosalie's. I reminded myself that this was the next appropriate step for courting someone.

I got dressed. I was nervous again. I wondered if I was as concerned about Bella's reaction to them as I had been about their reaction to my news about Bella. I evaluated myself and decided that I was nervous, but not as nervous as I had been to come home. I managed to find some suitable clothing without Alice's help, but it did take me longer than normal. What is the correct attire the morning after realizing that you are in love? After much internal confusion and debate I settled on something that I could have worn to school, as that was what Bella was most accustomed to seeing me wear.

I was ready to get back to Bella, but felt the need to work on my room before I left. I tidied up. I moved my journals to a higher shelf and then returned them to their regular resting place four times before I stopped and left them where they usually dwelt. I made sure my closet was organized and there were no Bella scented clothes stuffed anywhere. When I couldn't imagine it looking any better I left out the window.

 _Edward, come back please,_ I heard Carlisle ask me.

Reluctantly I turned and came back into the house finding him and Esme seated in the living room.

"Please join us, Edward" Carlisle said out loud no doubt to let the rest of the family know to give us some space.

I sat in the armchair as they sat next to each other holding hands on the sofa.

"Alice said it would be better for you to tell us yesterday's events," he explained.

I bet she did, I grumbled, just to embarrass me I bet.

"When we first got out of her truck it was harder to be in the forest alone with her than I had anticipated. Nonetheless, I was able to control myself. There was one other time while I was in the meadow that I came close to slipping, but with Alice's help nothing untoward happened."

 _How were you able to manage it when you were by yourself?_ Carlisle asked curious. He was as bad as Bella at asking me questions I didn't want to answer.

I looked down embarrassed. "See, the problem began when Bella informed me that she had told all the humans who had known that we were to spend the day together that I had cancelled, because she was afraid for my sake and our family's sake if things didn't go well. I was upset at what she had done and then when we stepped out of the truck she was dripping in adrenaline and other smells that were alluring. It was actually the desperation in her voice that shook me and allowed me to rein things in. The more noble part of me simply did not want her to feel that way towards me. It gave me the strength I needed."

Carlisle sat contemplating what I had just said and its implications.

"Did you say, Edward, that Bella hid her going into the forest with you alone because she didn't want there to be any consequences to our family if you slipped?" Esme asked incredulously.

"Yes," I answered half irritated half ashamed.

She shook her head. _I wonder if I would have done such a thing?_ she mused to herself. After a few minutes she decided, _Yes, I suppose I would have._

I didn't really follow her thought process. I chalked it down to being a female thing.

In the mean time, Carlisle asked me, _How was her scent?_

"Still powerful and intoxicating, but resistible," I replied subdued.

 _What changed?_

"I realized that I loved her," I muttered softly. "I couldn't even begin to think about hurting her after that. Being around her all day made it easier as the day went on. I simply got more acclimatized."

 _And your attraction to her?_

I looked at the floor humiliated. "Stronger," I muttered.

 _How close in physical proximity did you come?_

"Close," I muttered my discomfort increasing.

 _Edward, I'm not trying to shame you. We could go out of the house if it would make it easier for you. But she is human. I can't make wise decisions without accurate information. We've talked about this. You need to be honest with us._

I got up and moved so that I was next to Esme. This way would be easier to keep the conversation between us. She reached out and took my hand. I found it soothing and comforting.

"I know. I'm not meaning to be obstinate. It's just new and hard for me to talk about," I murmured too quietly for anyone else in the house to hear.

"We understand," Esme murmured back compassionately.

"Take your time, Edward," Carlisle assured me.

After a few minutes and collecting my thoughts, I spoke. "We took things slow. At first when we were in the meadow she made patterns with her fingers on my hand and arm. By the time we left I was able to place my head on her chest. Later on she placed her head in mine while I wrapped my arms around her. We held hands on the way back to her place."

 _And in her room?_ Carlisle's tone was stern and fatherly.

"She lay under the covers with me on top, we talked, I stroked her hair, and sang her to sleep."

"She invited you to stay?" Esme clarified.

"Yes. I offered to leave after she had left to get ready for bed, but she asked me to stay."

 _Will you back to her room?_ Carlisle wondered.

"Yes," I answered looking him in the eyes needing my conscious to be clear.

 _Have you considered kissing her?_ Carlisle asked curious.

"Yes," I muttered hesitantly looking down again mortified.

Carlisle looked at me evaluating my response.

 _Did you, then?_

"Yes," I muttered irritated at him forcing me to admit this.

 _Edward,_ saying my name as a chastisement. _These are the things you need to tell me. Please stop this. I need to trust that you are being transparent. There is tremendous risk involved and this isn't just about you two._

I sagged. "I know. I apologise."

 _Please, then continue._

"Yes, we kissed, once. It was too much." My body warmed at the memory. I tried to focus on what they needed to know. "She responded incredibly exuberantly, which made it difficult to move away quickly if I had needed to. I decided that it wouldn't be wise to be repeated."

Carlisle and Esme looked at each other and appeared to be hiding identical smirks.

"Son, it's only natural to want to kiss the woman of your affection, particularly for us. The pull to express ourselves physically is very strong for our kind."

I nodded reluctantly. I supposed he did have a point.

"Edward, the first time of anything is bound to be overwhelming. Keep that in mind for the future." He paused as if trying to sort something out, but his thoughts weren't ordered enough for me to know what he was working on. Then seemingly out of the blue he asked, "Did you experience anything else that aided you?"

"Not sure about aided …"

"Go on."

"Well, remember when I was at school and the current caused me to sort of disconnect from myself and I had to regain of my senses?"

He nodded for me to continue.

"I had a similar sensation with the current only more intense when we kissed. But this time I was more aware of myself than I can ever recall. It might have helped me realized that she was holding onto to me, but I can't be sure."

Carlisle looked at me seriously. "Our physical reactions are more demanding of our attention than human's are."

I looked at him irritatingly. I knew this.

"You are incredibly practiced at denying or ignoring what your body tells you," he continued, "particularly after your rebellious years. I have been wondering if your sensory loss was because you had not yet admitted to yourself your sentiments towards Bella. Your body was communicating something vital to you, but at the time your body and your mind were not in harmony. Now that they are, I suspect that the current you have described will help you be in tune with Bella."

"Are you sure?"

"It's only a theory." _But I have no better hypothesis at the moment._

"Does she love you?" Esme asked her voice full of hope.

For a moment her question confused me. Carlisle's hypotheses explained so much and helped me understand much of what had been happening to me. I doubted he was wrong. What did that have to do with Bella's sentiments? I humoured Esme anyway.

"She has said nothing to indicate that she does."

Esme's face fell.

"I do believe, however, that she is attracted to me beyond my lure."

Esme looked me over. "That is a good place to start. These things can take time."

"I assume that you changed your mind and are now courting her?" His sentence sounded like a fatherly reprimand.

"Yes, we're courting," I said exasperated.

I supposed it was a good thing that they were talking to me together otherwise I might have ended having the same conversation twice.

He raised my eyebrow at me.

"Mom already asked me, that's all."

He chuckled softly.

"Well, she's a wise woman."

I smiled at them.

"I have no practical objection to this form of intimacy, as long as no harm will come to her." Then he looked over at Esme.

"As long as she is also agreeable, Edward," she warned.

"She was more than agreeable," I grumbled. "That was part of the problem."

I could tell that they both were trying to hide a snigger.

"Are we hosting her as the woman you are courting?" Carlisle asked once he had gained composure.

I thought about that and all its implications. "I guess so."

Both of them looked at me sternly.

"Bella is not of my era. She sees things differently. They don't court. When her father came home she wasn't ready to introduce me." I grunted. "I don't know. Honestly, I'm not hiding anything. I simply do not know. I often do not understand her. I'm trying to let her take the lead and let me know what she's comfortable with, but modern women are different."

"Yes they are," Carlisle agreed looking over at Esme.

"From my perspective the answer would be yes, but I can't speak on Bella's behalf. The idea of courting doesn't even exist anymore. And I don't see the possibility of a future with her, which there would be if … I don't have clear answers. Truly."

"Yes, I suppose things are more casual now than when I courted Esme. Perhaps a more modern idea would be of us entertaining your girlfriend?"

"Yes, perhaps, but that sounds trite and far less than what she means to me."

"What does she mean to you, Edward?" Esme asked sweetly.

I looked up at both of them. "She means everything to me. I would give her the world and more if I could. I don't know how I didn't see it before, but I suspect that I've been in love with her before today."

Esme glowed obviously pleased at my answer.

"What about the future, Edward?" Carlisle looked at Esme and then at me.

"I can't think about it. I'm trying to just live in the moment and enjoy what I've been given today."

Carlisle nodded lost in thought.

Esme looked forlorn. "Nothing wrong with living in the moment, Edward. Things will work themselves out," she encouraged me after a minute.

She opened her mind up to me and I saw the beautiful incredible picture that her mind had painted of Bella and I. I was almost angelic and Bella's skin looked like mine.

 _If it's meant to be, then it will be._

Her image was incredible and not at all like the vision Alice had seen. Nonetheless, I wouldn't condemn Bella to this, no matter how beautiful Esme saw the potential being. I knew also that Esme's image was born from her love for me, and her desire to see me happy. I couldn't fault her that, no matter what image that might cause her to conjure.

I looked at them.

"Anything else? I promised her I would be there when she woke."

They looked at each other.

"Not today or even tomorrow, but soon, Edward, you and Bella need to agree about your relationship. We would need to say if inquires were ever made."

"I understand. I do. How about by the end of the month? Is that acceptable?"

There was a brief paused as Carlisle decided. "Yes. Agreed."

"Now can I go?" I complained.

"Go," Carlisle consented.

"Be good," Esme instructed.

"Always, mom," I replied as I ran out the door.

By the time I got back to Bella's the sun was shortly about to rise. I paused briefly to assess my thirst before I entered. It was a little more intense since I had left, but still manageable. Confident I was safe, I entered. It was the quickest I had been able to enter thus far. I sat down in the rocking chair and waited for Bella to awaken.

The end of the conversation with Esme and Carlisle about the nature of Bella and my relationship was stuck in my mind. They were correct that it would be certainly something that would need clarification. It was made more complicated by the fact that Bella knew what we were. If Aro, one of the leaders of our kind, were to touch any of us, and thus know our very memories through his gift, Bella would be condemned to die and us probably along with her. The vampire world was a small place. Carlisle was right. We needed some story to explain Bella if she were to spend time with us outside of school and her home. We did get curious visitors from time to time. Not to mention what we would say to the Denali's or to Charlotte and Peter. I had to rest assured that Carlisle was looking out for the whole family's as well as Bella's welfare.

Sitting in the rocking chair I began to assess the nervousness I had felt going home. I was in love with a human after all. Although we didn't hunt humans, we also didn't bring them home like the Denali's did. And we certainly did not court them; not even the Denali's did that. I must have been anxious to ask for permission to bring her to our house. We were venturing into unknown territory. What if we had a visitor while she was there or even when she wasn't and they picked up her scent? The more and more I thought about it, the more I began to wonder if this was possibly the stupidest idea I had ever had. Yet, that feeling of wanting Bella to know me, to see my space, to introduce her to Carlisle and Esme was stronger. I had immensely enjoyed her getting to know me in the meadow. I was greedy. I wanted more.

None of that totally explained the level of nervousness I had felt, however. I had been scared even. Jasper had named it trepidation. What was the cause? Emmett had teased me and joked about my relationship with Bella, but had not disapproved in any way. Alice was ecstatic as I expected. Jasper seemed to neither approve nor disapprove; yet he continued to advise me. Not to mention that he had agreed to keep his distance from Bella and hadn't objected to having her in the house. Carlisle was concerned about the family, but supportive. Esme was giddy with anticipation for me to have someone. Rosalie was the only one that had objected. I understood that her primary objections were reasonably based on Bella being human and the danger that posed. Then there was her comment 'won't last'. I wasn't sure what that was about. I hadn't really expected Rosalie to be excited about my love for Bella, so what was my trepidation all about?

Then it hit me. I _wanted_ them to approve. I was afraid that they would have prohibited me from loving her, that they wouldn't have accepted her, that they would have told me that I wasn't permitted to have these amazing blissful feelings, that they would have said no to me bringing her into our home. I had been afraid that they would take it all away. They didn't. Of course they didn't. They loved me. They wanted the best for me as I wanted for them. We fought and played and argued and supported each other. We were family. My family would have never forbid me from being happy. What was I thinking? I wasn't certain, but the one thing I now knew for sure was that it was important to me for things to go well today. As I tried to imagine the different ways it could go, I realised that I was afraid of having to choose between Bella and my family. I was greedy. I wanted them both. The idea seemed impossible.

A small part of my brain reminded me that I had already accomplished the impossible twice. My family seemed willing enough. I wasn't sure how Bella would take to them. Being alone with me was one thing. Being alone in a house full of us, even if she did know Carlisle and Alice, could be overwhelming. It often sent many a visitor scurrying away. Together we were a formidable presence. It had taken ages for Charlotte and Peter to feel completely comfortable. I couldn't imagine how we might appear to Bella. Knowing her, though, her reaction would be completely unexpected.

Ultimately, I had to trust that Carlisle had our best interests at heart, including about this. If he said it was okay to bring Bella over, and all of what that meant, then it would be all right. I realized that it was hard for me to trust Bella with anyone else. Did my siblings also struggle in accepting Carlisle's decisions in this way? I couldn't recall any thoughts along this line, well, maybe, except Jasper's when they first moved in. I wasn't sure what to make of my lack of faith in Carlisle when it came to Bella. It wasn't strong. I trusted his decision. But I could not shake my fear that he would make a decision that would harm Bella. I didn't know what to do with this new experience.

All these changes inside of me led me to think about Carlisle's laughter. I had two hypotheses. One, that the change Esme observed with her comment _Love suits you_ caused him such joy that he could not contain it. Two, the relief that came when his assumption that I did not kill Bella was confirmed caused him such joy. I searched through my memories, but found no evidence to eliminate or confirm either. Nevertheless, my musings about the possible costs that Carlisle might have paid through the years for being the leader of our family wouldn't leave me.

Simultaneously, I had been re-examining Rosalie's comparisons. She had concluded that my countenance was lighter, my skin brighter, and I was the happiest she had ever seen me. Could Carlisle have reached the same conclusions without thought simply because he knew me so well and his eyes had told him all that he needed? Esme had paused to purposefully view the differences, but she had done so quicker than Rosalie and seemed to have not needed the mental gymnastics that Rosalie had. Where they right? Was I really that different?

Certainly my changes seemed to bring a buoyancy to our family that was new. Carlisle's laugh, Esme's glow, Alice's attention to a human, and my jubilation were all things that Bella had brought out inadvertently. Was it my changes that influenced theirs or was it Bella herself? It seemed unlikely to be Bella herself since they only knew her from a distance. That conclusion felt daunting. Could it possibly be that my changes had such strong ripples? I didn't know how I felt about that. If their changes were from my changes, then could I be rest assured that they would do what was in Bella's best interest?

I looked over to her and watched the beauty of her sleeping. There was something calming about her in this state. I didn't want her to leave it, but she was beginning to stir. I was nervous about today. I was greedy, I concluded. I wanted it all. I had no map and no way to discern these waters. I had no choice but to trust Carlisle with the thing most precious to me. He had trusted me through the years with what was most precious to him. I looked at Bella and told myself over and over that I could trust my family with Bella until she opened her eyes.


	46. Chapter 46: A New Morning

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. The dialogue that comes from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun remains hers.**

* * *

Bella's breathing and heart rate indicated that she was waking up. I enjoyed the fact that her awakening wasn't my cue to leave. I had been given permission to stay. A few minutes later she moaned and rolled to her side. With this movement my mental anguish that had existed the first time I picked her up for school resurfaced. What if, after a night's sleep, she had changed her mind? What if she didn't want me anymore? I sat fearful expecting that this would be the moment when she sent me away. The fear came from a place of wishing I could avoid the inevitable loss, of longing for more time, and of not wanting the opportunity for the rapturous feelings I had experienced to end. Yet simultaneously I felt a sense of acceptance of what was to come as well as grateful for the time and what she had already given me.

Suddenly she bolted upright and said, "Oh!"

Comparisons to the previous night to see how she had changed filled my mind putting my previous musings on hold. Her ever-changing state was a magnificence. It was like a great work of art that every time you viewed it you saw something different.

Deciding she was fully awake I teasingly commented, "Your hair look like a haystack …" her face began to look downcast, "… but I like it," I added hopeful that she would not be insulted.

"Edward! You stayed!" she proclaimed.

I was glad she had known I had been teasing her and had taken no offense.

Then she jumped up from the bed and threw herself into my lap. Her first movement caught me off guard and I was frozen with uncertainty. By the time she was on the floor heading my way I saw her intention and was able to adjust myself so that when her body impacted mine it did so without injury to her. Then she became still as if her body had acted and now her mind wasn't sure if she had done the right thing. She slowly looked up at me evaluating my reaction confirming my assumption.

I laughed.

The thought that her body had acted without her mental consent was thrilling. Had I not been having the same problem? There was a difference though I chided myself sombrely. My body had wanted to kill her. It had taken everything I had known and a miraculous chance to stop myself, while her body flung herself to me. It was if both our bodies were acting towards attaining the same end. I refused that to be the case. The irony was palpable.

"Of course," I told her attempting to reassure whatever concerns she might have had to cause such an exclamation while I rubbed her back.

Slowly, as if she were concerned to act without thought again, she placed her head against my shoulder as she breathed deeply. I wondered if her purposeful breaths were in an effort to calm herself. The moment she had come within inches of me I had begun to feel her heat and any previous anxiousness I had held melted away. Her here, on my lap, with her head on my shoulder was even more exhilarating than our contact yesterday. She hadn't changed her mind after all. Her trust in me combined with these other factors filled me with a joy similar to what Jasper had unintentionally shared from Carlisle. I was trusted and wanted by this delicate beautiful amazing creature. I had never experienced anything as magnificent.

I took in her scent in this proximity. My throat scorched and the monster rattled in its cage demanding and then begging me to take just a sampling of what was certain to be the most delectable banquet. Simultaneously, that becoming familiar arousing fire from my core ignited. Strengthened by my male desires, with only minimal effort, I purposefully enacted what had occurred unwittingly in the meadow. I used the fire to reinforce the cage holding the monster.

"I was sure it was a dream," Bella muttered into my chest.

Was she scared that I wasn't real? I scoffed. The idea that our time together was a dream rather than a nightmare seemed backward. Had she forgotten her proximity to death or all of my true nature that I had shown her? Had she forgotten her fear? I was becoming seriously concerned about her mental state. How could she, after everything, fling herself at me? Since it was her body that had acted without her conscious thought, my only conclusion was that her attraction for me had caused her to behave in such a way.

"You're not that creative" was all that I could manage to say.

I dared not do anything that might disrupt this moment. There was no reason to argue or explain. These moments of us together were ephemeral like her–beautiful and wonderful and glorious and intended to end.

"Charlie!" she exclaimed as if her father had just now entered her consciousness, while she jumped up.

Then she headed for her door.

I found myself greatly amused at her physical reactions verses her verbalizations. I wondered if I was seeing her self without her self-imposed restraints. It seemed possible. I liked that if that were true her first reaction was towards me, then secondly her father. Although it could have as easily been because I was here and so caught her attention first.

"He left and hour ago–after reattaching your battery cables, I might add. I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?"

I chastised myself for liking that her first reaction was towards me. This would not help walking away from her when she counted the cost of having me in her life and sent me away. No, it would be better if her first priority were on things in her human world. As I pondered, Bella seemed to move her body back and forth between two magnetic pulls unable to determine which to follow.

"You're not usually this confused in the morning," I commented.

I held my arms open so that she would know that she was welcome to return to me. I hoped doing so would dissuade any concerns about her actions she might be holding.

"I need another human minute," she stated instead.

Ah. Her confusion made sense now.

"I'll wait," I promised hoping that would help end her deliberation.

As I listened to her morning routine, I assessed my own changes, as I understood them. I had known that my internal foundations had been altered, but that was not what my family had assessed. Those internal shifts had caused other changes. My thinking was more flexible than pre-Bella. I had followed my family's suggestions far more than I ever had before. I also felt more bonded than before. My connections with my family were deeper, stronger somehow. I also had a new selfish reason to want to be with them–added assistance in protection of Bella. While at the same time I was struggling to trust them in a way that I never had before. My priorities were different; I was different. I was happier than I had ever known.

I knew the consequences of that. I knew when it had happened, but even now the reality was daunting. I could never go back. Even now examining it again, I drew the same conclusion. I would have to assume that when Bella sent me away I would be like Marcus. Without question I would pay that price and more to keep Bella human. I loved her enough to do what was best for her.

She entered her room. I reached out to her, hungry to have her in my arms again. Once she laid eyes on me her heart began to thump erratically. What I had at one time considered to be her reaction to my alienness, to be a manifestation of her fear, I now knew signalled her attraction to me.

"Welcome back," I spoke quietly as she slipped into my arms wrapping herself around me.

Despite all the struggles that allowed this proximity to be our reality, it felt absolutely natural as if she belonged in arms. I became immersed in the sensations as I rocked the chair back and forth. The background cocktail that had been in my head since I had gotten close to Forks was silenced. There was nothing but us.

After a while she reached up to my collar and accusingly asked, "You left?"

I was overwhelmed with the sensation of her warmth, so it took me longer than normal to register her question. I didn't understand the accusation tone. She hadn't wanted me to leave even though she would of had no way to acknowledge my absence? I doubted that Carlisle and Esme would agree to me never coming home and anyway that wasn't practical.

"I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in–what would the neighbours think?" I teased.

Explaining the other reasons required much more information than I wanted to give and opened up the possibility for questions I might not want to answer.

She pouted as if my absence was more important than the neighbour's opinions. It was incredibly adorable. And naïve. Just one more thing she would have to change if she wished to have my company. What others thought about us Cullen and by extension Bella, particularly that they presumed that we were human, was critical.

"You were very deeply asleep; I didn't miss anything," I explained attempting to soothe her feelings. Mischievously I thought about how much she had been embarrassed by knowing that I heard her talk in her sleep. I wondered if that had changed now. "The talking came earlier."

She groaned with the slightest added blood to her cheeks. That was an improvement over her near faint last night.

"What did you hear?" she asked wearily.

The memory softened me and added to the feeling of warmth within my body.

"You said you loved me."

No sweeter lie had been spoken. There was simply no way that Bella loved me. Attracted to me, yes. Desirous of me, yes. In lust with me, quite possibly. Had great affection for me, possibly. Humans did not have the same physical markers as we did in order for them to be certain of their love. They declared their love, when I knew from their thoughts they meant adoration or attraction or desire or affection. I enjoyed hearing the words nonetheless.

She ducked her head into me as she said in a near whisper, "You knew that already."

I hadn't known before she spoke the words that she might consider using those terms in relation to me, but it didn't shock me given her willingness to be alone with me yesterday. It was an easy and simple mistake for someone so inexperienced. She was young and an argument would be fruitless. She simply did not have the wisdom necessary to be certain of her feelings, and since her thoughts were inaccessible to me I would not be able to help her understand the nuances. Instead I spoke a truth.

"It was nice to hear, just the same."

She hid her face from me pressing into my shoulder.

"I love you," she whispered tentatively and gently like a caress that stole my whole focus.

Even if her words were untrue, the fact that this amazing beautiful angelic creature spoke them was surreal. For a moment I allowed myself to pretend that she did in fact love me. As I did, I compared those three simple words to my sentiments. They were insignificant to explain how she had transformed me and how much she meant to me.

"You are my life now," I stated simply.

There were no words that I could use that could adequately explain the differences in this regard of our kinds. These five words came closer, but were still lacking. Before you I did not live I existed not knowing life was possible. When you leave I will survive merely on the memory of having lived. Something like that was closer, but it would not make sense to a human. If humans could not adequately grasp the concept of forever, this aspect of our existence would be inconceivable to her. No. And I was not going to ruin this feeling of bliss with pointless arguments. Old Edward would have done that, but I had been made anew.

We sat there me rocking back and forth with her in my arms until the sun was higher behind the clouds. I simply enjoyed the time together and paid attention to the sensations her proximity created. Without preamble her stomach began to change in its sounds.

Remembering my commitment to take better care of her needs, casually I stated, "Breakfast time."

Instead of getting off my lap, she took her hands to her throat and stared at me with wide eyes. Her heart raced slightly, but her breathing remained the same. Did she really think, in this moment, after all this, now, I would take her blood? I stared at her in shock. How could she possibly think that?

"Kidding!" she snickered. "And you said I couldn't act!"

I frowned. Of all the things to joke about. That wasn't one.

"That wasn't funny."

I replayed what she had done. No. Certainly not funny.

"It was very funny, and you know it," she retorted.

My siblings and I joked about a great many human things, but killing them was not one. Yet, Bella seemed greatly amused at her display. Perhaps she meant it as a teasing joke. Certainly I had teased her some about her weaknesses. Despite that possibility, I could not shake the uneasiness that she might actually think that I would hurt her. Did yesterday not prove otherwise? Contrary to my concerns and fears I decided to play along with the assumption she meant it as a joke.

"Shall I rephrase? Breakfast time for the human."

I watched her carefully. She seemed to be gauging my reaction uncertain.

"Oh, okay," she answered with a jovial tone.

I hoped that, although the moment had passed without hurt feelings, that she would not do that again. I stood up. As I did so, I had a very ungentlemanly, but very mischievous idea. I placed her gently over my shoulder in one motion. As I expected, she protested about being carried as I went down the stairs at a human pace not wanting a repeat of my running with her. But her protests where not serious and I suspected that she was being playful. When we got to the kitchen I placed her gently onto the chair where she usually sat.

"What's for breakfast?" she asked with a lightness in her voice.

I froze but within the second composed myself. I had never considered the possibility of making her breakfast. What would be appropriate? I had never considered the possibility of needing to cook. My human mother had servants who did the cooking. Esme baked for charity stuff, but none of the rest of us even knew what most of her gadgets were for.

"Er, I'm not sure. What would you like?" I gently probed hoping for a hint.

She grinned and hopped up. Her looked suggested that she had caught me out as she had suspected she would. It would not happen again. I would learn to make something for her despite the retched smell. I bet Esme would be delighted to teach me.

"That's all right, I fend for myself pretty well. Watch me hunt."

I smiled at her reference and watched carefully as she foraged, so that at least I could repeat the same actions if she needed breakfast in the future. Then she paused in her movement.

"Can I get you anything?"

I rolled my eyes. She was treating me as if I were human again. I appreciated the sentiment, but certainly I did not want to have to demonstrate my capacity to eat human food again.

"Just eat, Bella."

She sat down and started eating. It was wonderful to be able to watch her without needing to maintain my own façade as I had to in the cafeteria. I was able to give her my full attention taking in every minuscule movement her body made and every sound her body produced as she ate. She was magnificent and fascinating. As the time went by blood began to pool in her checks.

"What's on the agenda for today?" she asked.

I found myself nervous to say aloud what I had been hoping to do today, despite Carlisle already saying yes. Even though Alice had predicted a yes, there was a chance Bella would say no. After all these weeks of wanting a no from Bella, it felt odd to wish for a yes. Just one more example of how the kiss really had changed me.

"Hmmm …" I considered every possible way to propose my idea. I wanted it to be a suggestion, not a request. I wanted my proposal to have the greatest possibility that she could say no. I didn't want her to feel pressured in anyway. Finally I settled on, "What would you say to meeting my family?"

Her heart raced, her body produced adrenaline, her breathing became shallower, and then she gulped.

That seemed like a normal human response to meeting a house full of vampires. Me alone in a meadow was one thing, but six additional vampires that she didn't know together in our home was totally different. I was relieved that her reaction confirmed my suspicions. Maybe she didn't respond abnormally about everything.

"Are you afraid now?" I asked to confirm my conclusions.

She seemed to be trying to calm her natural responses, but they were still heavy in the air.

"Yes," she admitted.

I appreciated her honesty.

"Don't worry. I'll protect you," I promised hoping to calm her fears.

The realization that I _would_ protect her against any threat even from my family was staggering. Intellectually I knew that her only danger might be from Jasper. We were all too practiced around humans. And the woods were nearby. Worst-case they would leave and wait till she was gone. She really had little to fear. In fact, she was in more danger in the meadow where my family wasn't there to stop Jasper or me if the need arose.

"I'm not afraid of _them_."

I was instantly surprised and confused. She had admitted to being afraid, but now was saying that her fear wasn't in relation to my family. That made absolutely no sense at all.

"I'm afraid they won't …"

Yes? Her long pause was wrecking havoc on me.

"… like me," she finally finished. "Won't they be, well, surprised that you would bring someone … like me … home to meet them? Do they know that I know about them?"

Really? She was worried that they would be upset that I was bringing a human to the house? How was that possible? Instead of being afraid of meeting a house full of blood sucking monsters, she was thinking more like my kind than as a human. It was very disconcerting. Not to mention that, once again, she was more concerned about them than her own welfare. And here I had been briefly consoled with the idea that she was having a normal human response. Guess not. I was wrong again. I decided the best tactic was to go with it and assuage her fears.

"Oh, they already know everything. They'd taken bets yesterday, you know," I smiled at Emmett's response this morning, although I was still upset they had taken bets at all, "on whether I would bring you back, though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can't imagine. At any rate, we don't have secrets in the family. It's not really feasible, what with my mind reading and Alice seeing the future and all that."

I hoped my explanation simultaneously relieved any concerns she had about my family knowing our time together yesterday or her invitation, while it also made apparent what it would mean to be with me. She would have little privacy. Our family knew each other well, too well sometimes. Her entering my world meant that she took on us all. My family was well aware of that, thus Rosalie's response, but naturally Bella couldn't have known. I was an idiot.

"And Jasper making you feel all warm and fuzzy about spilling your guts, don't forget that."

I couldn't remember him ever actually doing that, but theoretically he _could_.

"You paid attention." I smiled.

She had made a correct significant mental leap. I was impressed.

"I've been known to do that every now and then." She grimaced and then added, "so did Alice see me coming?"

No, not before it was too late.

"Something like that," was all that I managed while I turned away.

I could sense her evaluation of my reaction. I made sure that the turmoil of Alice's lack of warning of Bella's arrival and her vision of Bella in the future didn't show. I had defeated three of Alice's visions; I would do so again.

"Is that any good?" I asked teasingly needing to change the subject. The smell was repulsive, but then again all human food was. "Honestly, it doesn't look very appetizing."

"Well, it's no irritable grizzly …"

I glowered at her comparison. She seemed to take everything about me so easily. It was unnerving.

I stood lost in my thoughts about Bella, her easiness about my alienness, my family's easy acceptance, well apart from Rosalie, and Alice's vision. It seemed like Bella fit into being a part of our family more easily than Rosalie had. For one instant I had a clear image of Bella as part of our family, as if in a family photo, human of course. It seemed like too much to hope for.

I turned back to Bella smiling.

"And you should introduce me to your father, too, I think."

If we're doing family introductions, it seemed only right and proper. I couldn't see how Bella could have any objections at this point.

"He already knows you," Bella stated as if that ended the conversation.

I attempted to understand what she was saying. She hadn't said no to my request, but she hadn't said yes either. Yes, he knew of me, but that wasn't what I was talking about. Was this a 21st century thing or a Bella thing? I was lost.

"As your boyfriend, I mean," I clarified.

I smiled at the thought of being able to answer Carlisle's and Esme's question so soon. Perhaps this wouldn't be as difficult as I had first imagined, except she was staring at me suspiciously.

"Why?" she asked as if I was asking her to commit treason.

Had so much changed in the decades that your beau was no longer introduced to your parents? In my time I would have needed to come over and ask Chief Swan's permission before taking her out on a chaperoned approved excursion. Him at least knowing that we would be spending time together seemed to be the minimum appropriate behaviour. I certainly didn't want him believing that I would disrespect Bella in any way. That didn't sit well with me, not to mention my family wanted to keep Chief Swan in our good graces.

"Isn't that customary?" I asked sweetly attempting a new type of persuasion.

I watched her carefully. She seemed to be thinking hard.

"I don't know," she admitted. She looked sad while thoughtful. "That's not necessary, you know. I don't expect you to …" her pause was excruciating, "… I mean, you don't have to pretend for me."

I kept my smile hoping to reassure her. Yet I could not comprehend her conclusion. Did she assume that since my family had no secrets that this wasn't a formal introduction? Certainly dating customs hadn't changed that much? The other possibility was worse still–that even after my outpouring yesterday she doubted my intentions.

"I'm not pretending," I stated emphatically needing to make that clear.

I would have almost concluded that she still didn't believe me. However, I had been clear. I couldn't comprehend how she might doubt my sentiment or my intentions. It must have been something else.

She bit her lip while she moved the remaining particles of what was in her bowl around. She usually bit her lip when she was nervous. Was she nervous about something? Her behaviour was unnerving me. I _really_ wished I could have heard her thoughts.

"Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?" I finally asked unable to wait any longer.

I realized after the words came out that they might have been said too harshly. I hadn't meant my frustration to come off so strongly.

"Is that what you are?" she asked tentatively.

She looked at me strangely. It was a sadness and longing and something close to rejection all put together.

I didn't want her to look like that anymore.

"It's a loose interpretation of the word 'boy', I'll admit," I said playfully.

I watched her expression hoping that my lighter tone would help her be comfortable about telling whatever it was that was causing her reaction.

She stared down at the table.

"I was under the impression that you were something more, actually."

I relaxed. This must have been the trouble. She was as hesitant and nervous to introduce me, given her knowledge of my nature, to her father as I was to introduce her, given what she meant to me, to my family. She was as loss of how to proceed given our differing worlds.

"Well, I don't know if we need to give him all the glory details." I reached across the table and using my finger touched under her chin and lifted it so I could look into her eyes. "But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."

I hoped she could read the sincerity in my eyes. This was what mattered. Terminology and words and labels would never accurately bridge the differences between us, but a meeting of sorts was needed. Her side to meet my side and me to meet hers.

"Will you be? Will you really be here?" Towards the end her voice sounded scared like me saying no was something she was afraid of.

Had I not made myself clear about this? I had told her she was my everything. Was she doubting my sincerity? I had lied to her and broken promises in the beginning. Was that the problem?

"As long as you want me," I said with deep conviction.

My words seemed to soothe her. I was unable to leave her. She would have to send me away. One day, she would. No doubt about it, but for now this was how things stood. I would stay as long as she wanted me around.

"I'll always want you. Forever."

She said it with such conviction as if forever was possible. I know that humans say forever to mean until they die, but for me forever meant something else. It was a fundamental difference between us–one that could not be overcome. As not to startle her, I slowly walked around the table. When I was a short distance away I touched my fingertips to her cheek. Yes, Bella, if you asked, I would stay until you died. But I didn't have to worry about the implications of what that might mean. She would count the cost soon enough. It is the one constancy about humans–they change.

"Does that make you sad?" she asked.

I stared into her eyes wondering how I would ever explain what she was saying from my perspective. If she was one of my kind this statement would mean something absolutely different, but she was not nor would she ever be. My family was right. It would be easier, better for me maybe if she really did have forever. But the cost was too high. I was sad, I supposed, but not for any of the reasons that would make sense to her. I was sad about fate's cruel charge that I would fall in love with the one human made most tempting to me and that, of all things, resisting her blood was remuneration for my sins. After deciding that I couldn't possibly answer her question, I changed the subject.

"Are you finished?"

She jumped up from her seat.

"Yes."

Her exuberance pleased me.

"Get dressed–I'll wait here."

As I waited, I listened to her obvious nervousness. She seemed to be having an unusually difficult time in choosing an outfit. I smiled at the fact that I had the same difficulty just hours before. Without much attention given to it, I thought about what Bella was flippantly claiming that she wanted. Perhaps today at the house she would truly see the depth of her sacrifice and decide it was too much for her.

She came downstairs in a long khaki-coloured skirt and the dark blue blouse she had worn to Port Angeles with a ponytail. I doubted that Alice would approve of her wardrobe choice.

"Okay," she informed me as she bounced down the stairs. "I'm decent."

Then, as if she didn't see me standing where I was, she bounded right into me. I carefully and with great precision grabbed her arm and steadied her before she could injure herself. I held her at that distance and then, as her touched electrified me, I pulled her close.

"Wrong again," I stated quietly into her ear. "You are utterly indecent–no one should look so tempting, it's not fair."

Her warmth was penetrating my body. The fire within me had been ignited at the sight of that blue blouse that flowed so effortlessly over her frame. The desire to have her skin against my lips grew exponentially each second she was near me.

She looked confused. "Tempting how? I can change …"

I sighed, shaking my head. It wasn't the clothes, although the top was especially nice on her. She really didn't understand. I doubted she ever would. I was just too alien.

"You are absurd." I kissed her forehead gently allowing a breath to escape my lips. "Shall I explain how you are tempting me?"

Carefully, remembering to be gentle like she was a bubble, I traced my fingers slowly and gently down her spine. The electronic current I felt caused my breathing to become quicker and shallower. Carlisle was right. The current was having me pay close attention to my actions. I imagined the feel of her lips against mine. I checked myself. I had just as much control as I had yesterday when I kissed her. Neither Carlisle nor Esme had objected to me kissing her again. Carlisle had, in fact, implied that it wouldn't be so overwhelming the next time. There was no way to know for sure unless I checked. Slowly I tilted my head and brought my lips to hers. Then very gently and slowly I parted them so I could feel her breath being pushed into my mouth by her lungs.

Carlisle was right. I was more prepared. I was able to monitor myself better. As I wasn't as overwhelmed, I was also able to enjoy the sensation more. The feeling of her hot breath entering my cold mouth was beyond anything I had ever experienced. It was like taking a hot bath, but better and from the inside. The sweet aroma of her breath filled my nose. The scrumptious particles of water that had previous been in Bella filled my mouth. I felt as if she were entering me and seducing me into becoming more like her. It was an invasion of the sweetest kind. I would allow this over and over and over. I so wished to take a deep breath to allow the particles to enter my lungs and fill me deeper, but I dared not. I was not yet ready for that leap.

A part of my brain kept tabs on Bella this time. I anticipated her response and prepared myself for the attacking reaction she had last time. It didn't happen. And then without warning she collapsed in my arms. I put my hand in front of her mouth. She was breathing. Her heart was still beating. I hadn't killed her, but she wasn't conscious. My anxiety grew.

"Bella?" I called softly.

I had hoped her name would awaken her. I didn't know what else to do. None of my medical training seemed appropriate at this moment. I considered calling Carlisle, but I really didn't want to admit that she lost consciousness while kissing me. Everything else I could think of required being separated from her and that just seemed uncouth. I decided to give her sixty more seconds before I called Carlisle.

Fortunately she started blinking and then opened her eyes. When she came around I held her up. I didn't know what I did, but I felt terrible. I was guilty of causing this reaction even though I still wasn't sure what happened.

"You … made … me … faint," she finally spoke but unsteadily.

I had suspected, but to have her confirm it was just awful. I hadn't meant to do that. I thought about women of my era who fainted due to tight corsets. There was nothing to blame in this instance but my own idiocy.

" _What am I going to do with you_?" I groaned in exasperation. "Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"

Her confirmation of my guilt added to the mental flogging I had already been giving myself. If her fainting was what would happen from us kissing, then we would just have to not do it. Nothing was worth risking her well-being.

She laughed weakly.

"So much for being good at everything," I grumbled.

I sighed as I mentally attempted to find the words to tell Bella that kissing was obviously too dangerous of an activity for us.

"That's the problem. You're too good. Far, far too good."

That stopped my thoughts. What was she saying? She admitted that I had made her faint, but because I was too good? That made no sense at all. I thought back to the time she nearly fainted from blood testing in Biology and compared that time to now in an attempt to solve this conundrum.

"Do you feel sick?" I asked.

She didn't look grey like she had prior. Very little was similar to that occurrence, actually.

"No–that wasn't the same kind of fainting at all. I don't know what happened." She shook her head. "I think I forgot to breathe."

What!? My kissing her caused her to forget to breathe? How does a human forget to breathe? How could I ensure that didn't happen again? I can't have her stop breathing! What would my family think? Emmett would have a field day, no doubt.

"I can't take you anywhere like this."

I knew Alice would see my decision not to bring her. Esme and Alice would especially be disappointed.

"I'm fine." Her voice was stronger and sure now. "Your family is going to think I'm insane anyway, what's the difference?"

I looked at her evaluating what she had just said. She did look fine. Other than being lightheaded she didn't seem to have anything else wrong with her. I didn't like the idea of her being sick. I changed my mind again and decided that as long as she was all right there was no reason to change plans. Hopefully Alice hadn't said anything in the interim.

"I'm very partial to that colour with your skin," I informed her.

Please remember to breathe, I don't want it to not be that colour. I don't want you to not be alive. Her neck and cheeks filled with blood and she looked away. I guessed that she really was okay. As such, perhaps I shouldn't rule out kissing altogether, but next time I would have to monitor her breathing as well, just in case.

"Look, I'm trying really hard not to think about what I'm about to do, so can we go already?"

She looked impatient and determined suddenly.

"And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"

I monitored her reaction to make sure things hadn't changed regarding this.

"That's right," she answered swiftly for Bella.

Well, if she said yes, then yes it would be. I shook my head in disbelief at Bella's reaction. It was if we were no different than any other family–her only fear of approval.

"You're incredible."

I already had retrieved Bella's keys, so I walked towards the front door, and opened it for her. Once she was through I locked it as I had observed her doing many times now. I opened the passenger side door for her. She looked upset for a moment, but then her expression cleared and she got in. I went round to the driver's side and started the truck. I diligently drove, as I had yesterday, to prove once again that she could trust me with her truck. It took much longer in her truck than it would have in the Volvo or even if I ran. I took it as an opportunity to enjoy her company.

The closer and closer we got the more nervous I became. My mind conjured all the possible things that could go wrong. Nevertheless, as we got into hearing range and they knew we were close I was assured that my fears were unfounded. My family's thoughts in anticipation of our arrival actually helped calm me. Rosalie was still fuming and Emmett was trying to calm her, Jasper was mentally preparing himself, and Carlisle, Esme, and Alice were excited. All of these reactions were to be expected; all of them I could handle. Esme was fretting a bit about the house, which I found enduring.

As we came into the drive and the house was visible, I heard Bella gasp. "Wow," she uttered.

I smiled. I was relieved. Esme would be pleased.

"You like it?"

Her heart had sped up slightly, but there was no adrenaline.

"It … has a certain charm."

I wondered why she had chosen her words so carefully. Did she remember that everyone in the house would hear everything she said? I pulled at the end of her ponytail and chuckled. She was such a mystery.

I got out and came round to her door.

"Ready?" I asked quietly.

I watched her carefully. She squared her shoulders and looked determined.

"Not even a little bit–let's go."

She made an odd sound then smoothed down her hair.

Attempting to soothe what I interpreted as nervousness, I reassured her.

"You look lovely."

I took her hand and led her up the porch running small circle on the back of her hand. I opened the front door for her.


	47. Chapter 47: Introductions

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.**

 **The silent communication between Carlisle and Edward was inspired by Miki In Blue Jeans Story here on FanFiction Faith & Love**

* * *

As we walked in, Esme and Carlisle were standing on the left back a bit giving Bella space. They smiled as we came into the room, both of them pleased.

It would be the first time I had done such introductions while human or vampire. I had waited so long for this moment. I wanted to focus on nothing else. I allowed Esme's and Carlisle's inner voices to remain while tuning down Alice's increased excitement, Jasper's even stronger inner monologue of being safe for Bella as her alluring perfume began swirling through the house, Rosalie's continued fuming, and Emmett's budding curiosity.

 _She seems quite calm considering. I expected her to be at least somewhat fearful since she is aware of our nature._

 _I'm glad she likes our home. I hope she feels comfortable and welcome._

Strange partial human memories of lessons my mother had instilled in me from an early age came to mind. The one most salient for this moment was formal introductions. Yes, that was in order.

Carlisle and Esme stood there waiting with a bemused look on their face. Were they entertained by watching me appear human for Bella's sake? I had not played the role of Esme's brother and attended Carlisle's doctor events in decades. Perhaps it was something else that had caused their expressions? I pushed the thought aside reminding myself to stay in the moment.

"Carlisle, Esme, this is Bella."

I motioned my hand towards each of them as I stated their name. I knew without conscious thought that if my human mother had been there she would have scolded me for using such informal namings, but I also knew Carlisle and Esme preferred the introduction as I had given it. The contrast tickled me and lightened my mood.

Carlisle stepped forward first in his usual gait for when he was around humans, but slightly slower.

"You're very welcome, Bella," he offered.

Again slowly he rose out his hand. Bella, true to form, acted as if he were nothing more than my father, stepped forward, and shook his hand. Although he was more composed than last night, his joy shone through. He looked as if he was glowing in happiness. I guessed that the last time I had seen him in a similar state was his wedding day, although I didn't check my memories for confirmation.

"It's nice to see you again, Dr. Cullen," Bella added.

I found it curious that although I had introduced him as Carlisle, she had referred to him as Dr. Cullen. It pleased me that she had such manners, as I knew in this simple act, my human mother would have approved.

"Please, call me Carlisle," he said sweetly with a genuine yet small smile.

It wasn't one of his polite doctor smiles, yet it wasn't a full smile either. He probably constrained himself out of habit in order to limit how much of his teeth he showed. I highly doubted Bella would have reacted in other way than pleasure if he had smiled widely.

 _I dare say your mother would have liked her formality, Edward. It is rare with modern youth and quite endearing. I can see why you would be attracted to her._

"Carlisle," Bella repeated as a smile spread across her face.

I relaxed completely. Carlisle's reassurances were the exact balm that I needed to ease what was left of my nerves. Alice had been right. This would be fine. My previous fears that they would have refused to accept my love for her or that they would dislike her now seemed silly.

Esme smiled at the scene in front of her.

 _I like her already, Edward._

Esme composed herself inwardly and stepped forward putting out her hand.

Bella responded by taking it and smiling back. Bella's smile looked nervous.

"It's very nice to know you," Esme added sincerely.

Esme looked radiant. She too was glowing in joy. It was a sight to behold.

"Thank you. I'm glad to meet you too," Bella replied. Her voice shook just the smallest bit, from nervousness I guessed. Certainly it was not from fear.

In fact, it seemed, as I stood observing Bella, that she looked as if she had always been here, as if she belonged here. Such a sentiment was nothing more than my traitorous heart wanting to take more from Bella than was honourable. It wanted forever. I could feel the desire growing and the wanting deepening. It wanted Esme and Carlisle to stay this radiant and joyful. It wanted Bella to be here, with me, to be _mine_ forever. This was not possible and I would not do such a horrid thing to the angel that I loved, so I did the only thing reasonable. I reprimanded my heart and banished its desires.

 _She didn't even respond involuntarily to my touch. She is special. She's just lovely. I can see why you like her, Edward._

I grinned at Esme pleased that she approved.

Alice's mental mantra of _Just a little bit longer_ and then rechecking the best order for Bella to be introduced was getting louder. It was becoming desperate for attention. The intensity grew worse as Alice directed a new thought to me: _How about now?_

I doubted Alice would wait any longer.

"Where are Alice and Jasper?" I asked aloud for Bella's benefit and to give Alice the cue she was so desperately seeking.

I hid my smile at my sly joke that I hoped Alice would appreciate.

As soon as they appeared at the top of the staircase, Alice enthusiastically greeted me. "Hey, Edward!"

Alice was nervous. Alice never got nervous. She always knew the outcome.

It was fun to watch. Carlisle, Esme, and Jasper also seemed to be enjoying seeing Alice like this.

 _So far so good, right?_ Alice asked.

Before I could answer, as if Alice could no longer contain herself, she came down the stairs at a fraction of her usual speed reminding herself not to frighten Bella. She was practically prancing with excitement.

Carlisle and Esme gave her disparaging looks, but there was a giddiness about Alice that was infectious.

"Hi, Bella!" Alice squealed as she bounced forward and kissed Bella's cheek.

I had seen Alice's intention a split second before she did it. Too late to change things, but in enough time that I wasn't surprised. In comparison, Carlisle, Esme, and Bella looked shocked. Carlisle and Esme recovered quickly, but shot warning looks at Alice.

 _Wow. She does smell nice, Edward._

Even though her tone was merely observant I stiffened. I forced myself not to react, even though every muscle inside of me wanted to place Bella behind me and snarl at my sister. My sister who I knew without question loved Bella, in a different way, but still. Who I knew would never hurt Bella. The way I wanted to react surprised and frightened me. I knew Alice would never hurt Bella. I felt ashamed. However, there was no way to apologise properly. Instead I decided to apologise and I saw Alice receive my intention by way of her visions.

 _I understand. It's all new to you. Jasper was the same in the beginning._

I didn't know what to make of that.

Bella seemed pleased with Alice's enthusiasm. Why it wasn't off putting to Bella was strange, but then, this was Bella.

Carlisle, Esme, and especially Jasper had noticed my reaction and had all mentally asked me, _What is it?_

Alice saw that saying nothing more about our exchange would cause tension and confusion, none of which was what Alice or I wanted. Instead Alice said aloud for their benefit, "You do smell nice, I never noticed before."

That wasn't the words I would have used, but it did the trick as Jasper, Esme, and Carlisle relaxed.

Alice stepped back.

With the room calmer and Alice further away I relaxed.

Bella flushed.

 _As if I would. You should know better, Edward._ Alice scolded me. _Nevertheless, apology accepted. Probably won't be the last time._

Sometimes Alice's inner voice had a tone that I could only describe as an older sister. Although I never had an older sister, the tone matched what I imagined one would sound like.

Then Jasper sent out calmness to everyone.

I stared at him raising an eyebrow.

 _Won't hurt_ was the only explanation Jasper gave.

His thoughts were particularly focused on keeping himself safe for Bella, more so than I had ever experienced. I appreciated his efforts tremendously. I hoped that he could absorb my gratitude and brotherly affection for him. I began to wonder to what degree Jasper was picking up the strength of how Bella's blood's called to me. He had mentioned years ago that our desire amplified his, so it made things harder for him if we were thirsty. We kept that in mind for our hunting schedules. A human in the house with Jasper in close proximity was a scenario that had never occurred before. Concurrently, the downside with his intense mental occupation with Bella's safety was that he wasn't evaluating his own thirst level at all. Therefore, I had no knowledge to gauge the risk Jasper posed.

He kept his distance but greeted her nonetheless with "Hello, Bella."

Even his distance was considerate of him. He really was doing his best while supporting Alice, and by extension me. His efforts meant a lot to me.

"Hello, Jasper," Bella responded with a shy smile. There was a touch of sadness and curiosity that I saw in her response. She turned from looking at Jasper and faced them as a group. "It's nice to meet you all –you have a very beautiful home."

I allowed their inner monologues to flow through my head, but I worked at focusing on what was happening around me.

"Thank you," Esme said in response to Bella. "We're so glad that you came."

Then she mentally scolded me, _See Edward, it's fine. I told you not to worry_.

I didn't want my family to believe I was ignoring them, as my telepathy was our usual standard form of communication. At the same time I wanted my mental priority to be Bella. I tuned them down, but kept some awareness on whether they were speaking to me or not, except Rosalie. She, I attempted to tune out entirely. Most of all I didn't want Bella to become offended and believe she was being left out of conversations. I would have to monitor Bella to make sure that didn't happen. It seemed like a reasonable compromise.

 _And you doubted me_ , Alice added.

Then Carlisle caught my eye

 _Alice had a vision._

From Carlisle's memories I saw Alice walk into Carlisle's office with Jasper in tow.

"We have visitors," Alice announced.

"How many?" Carlisle inquired.

"Three."

"Any we know?"

"Not since we joined the family."

Carlisle nodded in understanding.

She handed him a sketch. There was a blurry woman with a small face and long curly hair, a man with a strong jaw line and straight hair tied into a ponytail, and a second man with dreadlocks.

"I don't know them either. How close are they?"

"I'd guess they're coming from Seattle. Not too close. They might not come closer. There's no way to tell right now."

Carlisle memory ended.

 _Do you recognise them?_

I looked left, then right, and then left again.

 _Will you tell Bella?_ His tone implied that he believed I should.

I nodded slightly. I would have anyway.

 _Up to you, son. I am amazed at her ease. I've seen nothing like it, well, except maybe Esme …_ then he began a comparison of his memories of sixteen-year-old Esme that I was not interested in.

I allowed his thoughts to become just one of the six streams flowing through my mind as Esme asked Bella, "Do you play?" inclining her head toward the piano.

I had yet to see a musical instrument in Bella's home, but she had just moved to the area. Perhaps she had one that she had been required to leave behind at her mother's. It was a question that I had failed to think to ask. How presumptive of me.

Bella shook her head left to right. "Not at all. But it's so beautiful. Is it yours?"

I could feel everyone bar Rosalie inwardly chuckling at Bella's question. How little she knew us. She might know what we were, but she didn't know us. Well, wasn't that the point of this visit?

"No," Esme laughed lightly and glanced a short stern look at me. "Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"

I fawned innocence at Esme's look.

I suddenly felt a nervousness that I could only name as stage fright. What if she didn't like my playing? What if my compositions weren't to her liking?

Jasper looked at me with puzzling curiosity. It was probably an emotion he had never felt from me before. But, then again, Bella had given me lots of new experiences.

"No," Bella answered politely. She turned and glared at me. "I should have known, I guess."

Esme's eyebrows were raised in confusion.

Alice and Jasper were snickering too softly for Bella to hear.

Carlisle looked amused. He began to flip through his memories and reflections from when he attempted to court Esme.

"Edward can do everything, right?" Bella questioned in exasperation.

Jasper snickered louder.

 _You've matured from female admires to a fan club. So much for keeping a low profile._ Emmett chuckled at his own joke.

Esme looked at me with a reproving look. _Edward,_ she thought at me as equally sternly as her look implied.

"I hope you haven't been showing off–it's rude," she scolded me aloud mostly for Bella's benefit probably.

It was strange to have these things said aloud. I was a little embarrassed, as the rest of my siblings could hear, but it was strangely refreshing. I felt much the teenaged boy.

I laughed at the idea. "Just a bit," I said in a joking manner.

What I _had_ managed to show off was my self-control since Bella hadn't died yesterday. Everything else was my attempt to demonstrate to Bella my nature. How could I have known that Bella meant her joke about me showing off seriously? I hadn't been even running at my top speed.

My laugh must have reminded Esme somehow of Carlisle's from last night, because she mentally compared them, then added, _It's good to hear you laugh like that._ Esme got a smug look on her face as her memory of our first talk about Bella entered her mind.

 _She really has changed you, my son. I am so happy that you have found her_ , Carlisle added at the sound of my laughter.

"He's been too modest, actually," Bella stated assuredly.

"Well, play for her," Esme encouraged while remembering the song I composed to describe her and Carlisle's love for one another.

I didn't want to let Esme off the hook that easily after her teasing me in front of Bella.

"You just said showing off was rude," I stated as if I merely desired to be obedient.

 _I have missed this playful side of you, Edward. It's nice to see._ Then memories played in her head of when she was a newborn and our times together.

"There are exceptions to every rule," she replied in a serious tone as if I had missed the whole point. _Come now. Please. It's been too long._

I wondered how much of the exchanges between my family members and me Bella had picked up. Could she hear the teasing under Esme's stern tone? Could she see Carlisle's joy or only his gracious hospitality? In the end, what mattered was that they liked her and that she seemed accepting of them. Another gift I didn't deserve, but I was grateful for it nonetheless.

"I'd like to hear you play," Bella added.

There was a longing in her tone, a pleading that seemed to speak directly to my core and drag me, as if it were an invisible thread, to wherever she directed, to whatever she wanted. I so desperately wanted to make her happy, to see her laugh, to be surrounded by the joy I felt in this moment. I had lived so much of the last decades, since my return to Carlisle and Esme, struggling with my guilt, attempting to atone for my sins, and desiring to show them that I was worthy of their unconditional love and acceptance. Not once had they asked for anything so that I might atone for all the lives I had taken or the years in which they had grieved my absence.

As each year had passed, I found myself more and more the odd man out. Nights upon nights my family enjoyed their partners while I tried to find company in music and knowledge and other people's thoughts. As each year passed each of these things held less and less of my interest. My future stretched ahead in endless rows of solitude. I dared not hope to find someone. I knew I wasn't worthy to be loved as Carlisle and my brothers were loved by their mates. My loneliness was my penance for my crimes, even more than for the lives I took, for betraying those who loved me, and causing them suffering. So, I accepted my existence and bore it without complaint, grateful simply to have a home, to have a family, and to be loved.

If Carlisle could laugh again and shine with joy again, if Esme could be radiant, if I could make Bella happy and laugh, then perhaps all Carlisle had wanted to give me when he risked everything to turn me would be worth his sacrifice. Perhaps it would be worth all the years he had put up with me, encouraged me, and had been patient with me. Perhaps I could find value, meaning, in this existence. The cornerstones of the new Edward had made this possible. Of that, I had no doubt. Even if Bella and I couldn't last, even if it wasn't meant to last, these moments were the smallest of gifts I could possibly give to these two people to whom I owed everything.

"It's settled then," Esme stated while she pushed me gently towards the piano.

Nerves or not, I would honour Esme's request, I would attempt to give Esme a memory she could look back to fondly.

I kept hold of Bella's hand dragging her along until she was on the bench with me. I refused to have her anywhere but next to me. I knew I was being silly. Certainly she would be safe with Carlisle and Esme, but I seemed unable to help myself.

I looked at Bella with an exasperated expression on my face as I attempted to read whether she meant what she had said.

Esme was excited to hear me play again.

Eventually I gave up trying to figure Bella out and began playing. Esme's piece was easy to play. I watched Bella out of the corner of my eye while her chin dropped, and her mouth was held open in astonishment.

My family chuckled lightly in reaction to Bella.

I was relieved that she didn't hate it at least.

I casually looked at Bella while I played and winked.

"Do you like it?"

I listened to her rhythms set against this music. It was an interesting juxtaposition.

"You wrote this?" Bella gasped.

Her tone that contained astonishment, disbelief, and awe soothed me. I fell in love with her a little bit more. Just as getting to know her had increased my _liking_ of her; her getting to know me was increasing my sense of being bonded to her.

I nodded.

"It's Esme's favourite," I explained.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. She appeared sad in some way. Was it the music? Did it make her sad?

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Sometimes Esme got emotional when I played this song or would reminisce as she was presently doing and I would have images of her and Carlisle to go along with the music much like a picture reel.

I realized that it was like Bella had entered my music bubble. It was not just my music and I. It had been expanded to include her. Everything else faded away.

"I'm feeling extremely insignificant."

I couldn't have that. Had I not already told her how important she was to me? Perhaps this was a way to show her. I transitioned into her lullaby.

As I did Jasper and Alice, then Carlisle, and lastly Esme left the room returning to their previous activities.

"You inspired this one," I stated softly.

Esme had known the moment I played the first stanza, Alice not long after. I wondered if the rest of the family thought of my admission. I doubted they were surprised. I had started and had left many pieces incomplete over the years in the moments when I wished to hope that I might not be single forever.

She just sat listening seemingly enraptured by the music.

Her reaction pleased me.

I felt entirely blessed. Bella not only didn't hate my compositions, she seemed to be enjoying them. Carlisle and Esme had both approved of Bella. I couldn't imagine how life could be better than this angel sitting next to me, enjoying my music, having Carlisle's and Esme's approval. I thought back to my musing of how much of the family dynamics she had picked up. I realized that she might not be aware that they approved of her and thus might still be worried that she would make a good impression.

"They like you, you know. Esme especially," I told Bella.

I hoped this would erase any of her still lingering concerns. I wanted Bella to enjoy herself here and relax, well relax us much as a human could in a house with seven vampires.

She turned around.

"Where did they go?" she asked confused. Her expression appeared puzzled.

I had forgotten that she wouldn't have heard them leave. This was the one place where we didn't have to think about firm steps that made noise. Perhaps they too found it too easy to be themselves around her. Alice certainly had.

"Very subtly giving us some privacy, I suppose."

Even though Bella knew I had better hearing than her, she still got irritated when I heard something she had perceived as being private. She treated me as if I was human too often. Their physical distance was their way of giving some semblance of privacy, since we all could still hear each other. There was no privacy, as she understood it, in our home. We each worked at giving each other space. I acted as if I didn't hear their thoughts except when directed at me. Alice didn't speak of the decisions we made that flittered through her mind, sometimes in the background like my own cocktail party, but were always there. Jasper didn't speak of what we were feeling. No, I meant what I told her that our family has no privacy. This was the most they could offer, so they generously were doing so. It was kind on their part. Yet, it also reminded me that I had no way to fully explain our family dynamics to Bella.

I was impressed at how considerate of her they had been, especially Alice, how slowly they had moved, how careful they had been with her. I had, for reasons unknown, expected Alice to want to take her from me and have her all to herself. I shouldn't have doubted them.

She sighed. " _They_ like me. But Rosalie and Emmett …"

She might not catch the nuances of our family dynamics, but she was still incredibly observant for a human.

I frowned trying to think about how to explain. Like most thing that came to Rosalie, it was complicated. Rosalie had been trained since a young girl to hide her thoughts and feelings under the social niceties expected of her. I had been very familiar with young women like Rosalie in my last human years and then once I was fit to be re-introduced to society. I never had found that trained behaviour attractive. Rosalie was perhaps the most talented next to Alice at hiding her true thoughts and beliefs. Despite Rosalie's lack of appearance, I knew underneath it all Rosalie was fiercely loyal and protective of the family.

"Don't worry about Rosalie. She'll come around," I said persuasively.

There was, of course, the possibility that Bella would send me away before Rosalie came to tolerate Bella. Nonetheless, Bella had no need to be concerned about Rosalie.

Bella pursed her lips sceptically. Her eyebrows furrowed.

"Emmett?" she asked curiously.

His absence was easier to explain. But then again he was as straightforward as Rosalie was complicated.

"Well, he thinks _I'm_ a lunatic, it's true, but he doesn't have a problem with you. He's trying to reason with Rosalie."

She took that in. "What is it that upset her?" she asked hesitantly.

I sighed deeply. Rosalie was jealous. That was the truth. It didn't escape my attention that Bella had everything Rosalie wanted: humanity and a way to keep her thoughts from me. But I didn't want to say that. How could I explain honestly while knowing Rosalie could hear me? Nearly everything that I could think of that was kind to Rosalie, Bella might take as being her fault. I didn't want to disparage Rosalie, but neither did I want Bella to think Rosalie's ire was her doing.

"Rosalie struggles the most with … with what we are. It's hard for her to have someone on the outside know the truth. And she's a little jealous."

It was the kindest gentlest version of truth that kept Rosalie's issues as Rosalie's problem that I could muster. It must have caught Rosalie's attention because suddenly she was directing her internally yelling at me, rather than just ranting in general, it was loud enough to catch my attention.

 _You better not be spilling your mouth you dumb-witted human lover._

For not the first time since Rosalie was turned, I wished that I could mentally scream back at her.

" _Rosalie_ is jealous of _me?"_ Bella asked incredulously.

Rosalie softened. It seemed that Bella's disbelief that she had anything Rosalie could be jealous of was soothing to Rosalie.

How I wished I could tell Rosalie: I wouldn't tell your secrets. Don't you know me at all?

I considered how to explain.

"You're human." I shrugged. "She wishes that she were, too." And she is not the only one.

I wish for the same. I wish that I could give you that life, Bella, but I can't.

At least Rosalie mental voice returned to being outside of the bubble of my music.

"Oh," Bella muttered. "Even Jasper, though …"

My appreciation for Jasper's herculean efforts was such that I could not bring myself to slight Jasper in any way.

"That's really my fault." For one, my desire for your blood might be an extra burden to him. "I told you he was the most recent to try our way of life. I warned him to keep his distance."

This was the simplest of explanations that cleared Jasper of any wrongdoing. If anything I was proud of my brother today.

The strength of emotion of Jasper's thought caught my attention. _Thank you, Edward_ was all he said before he went back to some complex war strategy that he was analyzing and his inner voice once again left my bubble.

Bella shuddered.

Our way of life was particularly hard on Jasper. Not only did he spend many more years gorging on human blood than I had, the fact that our thirsts amplified his through his gift made abstaining particularly difficult, and he was the newest to our life. Even when he and Alice had shown up his eyes were still tinged with red, while Alice's were clear butterscotch. Unlike Rosalie, he really was doing his very best to accommodate Bella.

"Esme and Carlisle …" she continued.

Are radiant. It was a good confirmation that she had not picked up on their reactions. I was pleased that I had told her.

"Are happy to see me happy," I said in absolute truth. Why had it taken Bella actually being here for me to get that? I did not know, but I could see it clearly now. "Actually, Esme wouldn't care if you had a third eye and webbed feet," I stated, but there was a jesting tone mixed in that of course Esme caught.

I searched out Esme's mental voice to hear her reaction to my teasing.

 _Not true,_ Esme chastised me sweetly with a hint of jest. _I wouldn't mind if she had a third eye or webbed feet. Both would be too much._

How I had missed this playful banter between us. How long had it been? Too long. Decades perhaps? I didn't want to take the time to search out the answer.

"All this time she's been worried about me, afraid that there was something missing from my essential makeup, that I was too young when Carlisle changed me …"

 _Oh, Edward, I never truly entertained the thought. It just took you awhile. I always had faith that you would find someone._

I knew her words were true. Somehow my intention to tease Esme had turned into something else: a confession of my shortcomings. Although seventeen wasn't the same then as seventeen is now, and a number of my friends had been engaged or had just been married just before I became sick, I had never been found someone to strike my fancy. Perhaps I was what, in some circles, is called a late bloomer. Perhaps it was because I was so content in my own company. Or perhaps it was because I saw through the polite smiles and fake kind words of the young women appropriate for me to court and found them unappealing.

It had been unfair of me to pretend that my own fears were Esme's, even if once in passing she had wondered. I had, up to now, been concerned that between the fever and my age the part of my biology controlling that aspect of my self would never manifest. Emmett certainly teased me about it enough, especially when we were around the Denali's and I would attempt to avoid Tanya's advances. I needed to rectify the ill impression I might have given Bella in Esme's faith in me.

"She's ecstatic. Every time I touch you, she just about chokes with satisfaction."

Better, mother, I asked her internally. I could almost hear her glowing from here.

"Alice seems very … enthusiastic."

I let go of my searching for Esme's inner voice and allowed the music to swim around us and surround us.

Well, that was one way to put it. Alice was another complicated creature. Between her gift and her history, there wasn't enough time to explain it properly to Bella, especially as I was never going to tell her Alice's vision of her future.

"Alice has her own way of looking at things," was all I said in my attempt to explain how Alice often lives in the world constructed by her visions.

I loved Alice for it and it drove me nuts. But on her vision of Bella, we were at a headlock.

"And you're not going to explain that, are you?" She stared at me intently.

Nope. Definitely not. There was too much to explain and it all led into areas I did not want to discuss.

After a few moments Bella asked, "So what was Carlisle telling you before?"

I looked at her quizzically. Her powers of observation astound me.

"You noticed that, did you?"

I began to hypothesise what else she would begin to pick up once she got to know us better. Would becoming more familiar to us be the thing that finally sent her away? Perhaps it would be something I least expected like when she would realise that there would always be things that she couldn't see well enough or hear well enough in order to catch everything that transpired between my family and I, not counting all the extra stuff I caught because of my gift. She didn't like things being unfair after all.

She shrugged. "Of course."

What else had she noticed? What else had I assumed was too fast for her that she had caught? What was that brain of hers calculating? Would she finally see why I had told her from the beginning that she would be better off if we weren't friends?

"He wanted to tell me some news–he didn't know if it was something I would share with you," I explained.

I replayed what he had told me in order to calculate how much I wanted to tell her. Visitors weren't terribly uncommon. Carlisle made friends with many of them, puzzled all of them, and had successfully converted none of them.

"Will you?" she asked without resentment.

I had already considered all the possibilities. I didn't want to tell her.

"I have to, because I'm going to be a little … overbearingly protective over the next few days–or weeks–and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."

After I spoke the words I wondered if I should have tempered them a little. Tyrant was perhaps a little too strong, but she was still not aware how I had followed her from the shadows and kept an eye on her in my own way. When I told her that I would be doing the same, would she too use the word tyrant to describe the overpowering need I had of keeping her safe?

I watched as concern filled her features. "What's wrong?" she wanted to know.

Seeing her like this was incredibly unpleasant for me as if someone was squeezing me strongly enough for my skin to crack. I didn't mean for what I said to worry her. Did she not know I would keep her safe? She had already shown such trust. Was it faltering? I needed to reassure her, if nothing else to stop this sensation in my skin.

"Nothing's wrong, exactly. Alice just sees some visitors coming soon. They know we're here, and they're curious."

I watched her carefully. Despite my careful words she seemed to get the implications.

Her voice cracked slightly. "Visitors?"

This was just another part of our existence that would be difficult to explain. How could I convey how few permanent residences vampires have? And how curious other vampires were of us? We were an anomaly that was only accompanied by the Denali's.

"Yes … well, they aren't like us, of course–in their hunting habits, I mean. They probably won't come into town at all, but I'm certain not going to let you out of my sight till they're gone."

I hadn't wanted to lie. The danger was real. She was at risk, which was why I wasn't going to let her out of my sight. I reviewed all that I had said trying to discover if there might have been a gentler, kinder way to convey this reality. At the same time, a part of me wanted her to face the truth of things. My world was dangerous, but I was built for it. She was not. She wasn't meant to dwell in it.

She shivered.

"Finally, a rational response!" I murmured to myself. Maybe her lack of fear was just in response to my family and I then. She knew Carlisle was a doctor, had been treated by him even. The Quileute had told her that their legends said that we weren't dangerous. I had saved her from the van and the men in Port Angeles. Perhaps her lack of fear was because she knew of our choices and had seen only our redeeming qualities. "I was beginning to think you had no sense of self-preservation at all," I told her.

She looked away and her eyes wandered around the room.

Knowing Bella, she wouldn't have appreciated my comment. She probably felt the need for a distraction. There was nothing to discuss anyway.

I watched where her eyes went. I agreed with her choice to discontinue talking about the possible visitors. It was going to get us nowhere.

"Not what you expected, is it?" I asked lightly remembering our previous teasing banter about my home.

I wondered what she did think about it. She had said it was beautiful.

"No," she answered sincerely.

Esme had always liked the light and liked our homes to be filled with it. Doing so often got curious looks from visitors. Every home we owned had a similar theme, although Esme always matched it seamlessly with the flow of the house itself. She really was gifted at it.

"No coffins, no piled skulls in the corners; I don't even think we have cobwebs …" It was easier to tease knowing that she was impressed rather when I had been concerned about her reaction. "What a disappointment this must be for you," I finished up.

I enjoyed watching Bella take it all in barely registering my words as if the house had enchanted her.

"It's so light … so open," Bella commented softly as if mesmerized.

It was all those things. In so many ways our house reflected Esme's character and what made us odd for our own kind.

I answered sincerely this time. "It's the one place we never have to hide."

It was where we could be ourselves. Once we left these doors we were in the human world, but here, here we could be us without our usual pretending. Except, Carlisle recommended we practice much of human behaviour even here. So, we didn't leave it completely, but enough. It was enough to not feel like a lion pacing in a small cage.

The song I was playing came to its end.

Esme's inner voice sought me out chiding me _Now Edward. No need to tease the poor girl,_ but there was a playfulness in Esme's scolding. I would dare say that Esme was pleased I could tease Bella in such a way.

"Thank you," Bella offered quietly.

Tears were running down her face. She dabbed at them embarrassed.

I touched the corner of her eye and trapped one that she had missed. I lifted my finger and examined the drop of moisture. I thought about how this single droplet signified everything different about our kinds. I cannot produce tears. She can. Her body changes quickly and rapidly. These tears will be quickly gone. If we change, it was very slowly except upon finding a mate. At times in my life I had wished for tears, for the catharsis they brought. This was something special. I wanted to taste it, so I quickly placed it on my tongue. It had salt. I expected that, but there was something else. Almost like an essence of her scent. Like water, though, it didn't really agree with my system.

She looked at me questioningly.

I gazed into her eyes seeing her wonder. I smiled. With all my nervousness gone, I was excited about the idea of having her in my room, seeing my space, and having her scent caress my belongings.

"Do you want to see the rest of the house?"

I watched her become surprised at my question and then morph into something else. Did she think that we wouldn't leave the first floor? How many hours had I already spent in her bedroom?

 _You going to show her your music collection?_ Emmett's booming inner voice asked me. Somehow, I wasn't sure how, he managed to say music collection in such a way that made it sound indecent.

I knew he was teasing me, but his crude humour was grating. The worst part was that, mostly, I was the only one having to put up with it since, if he said anything like that out loud, Esme would scold him. Esme didn't appreciate any of that sort of humour and Emmett respected her enough to do it out of earshot, which was usually while us men were hunting, or in his thoughts, which I was privy too. When I had mentioned it a few times over the years he just told me to stop listening, as if I could.

 _Edward, really? It's not bad enough to spread her scent downstairs you're going to have it go through the whole house? You're such an insensitive jerk. Have you given no thought to what you're forcing the rest of us to endure by this little childish fantasy game that you're playing._

I tried to use Bella's presence to tune out Rosalie's thoughts.

 _I wonder if Edward has talked to her at all about art? I wonder what she'll think of the pieces that I've chosen along the stairwells. I wonder if she likes art at all. Perhaps I could ask her one day …_ then Esme started imagining what I could only describe as a girl slumber party of sorts, but I wasn't sure how that would work given that neither her nor Alice slept. Nevertheless, as always, Esme's inner images were comforting and encouraging. Her love was abounding and the mental pictures she painted with that love were beautiful.

Fortunately no one else had said my name or called on me. I checked. No one objected before I led Bella upstairs. Rosalie's was wrong. I did care about the family's comfort in our home. That was why I had asked before inviting Bella over.

Alice was checking the future. There were fleeting images of the three nomads running amongst trees. The landscape looked like the Olympic National Forest. Bella going to my room looked like it would go well, although much was uncertain. There were flashes of Jasper and her potential plans for tomorrow; possible stock and fashion trends; and all the other possibilities Alice saw.

Jasper was also focused on his gift measuring and tasting the moods of us all. Other than Rosalie, everyone seemed to be mostly happy with some nervousness.

Carlisle was mentally focused on a medical text, while also reviewing the introduction with Bella, reviewing client case files in the back of his brain, and considering possible diagnosis for difficult to treat clients. Other than reviewing the introduction with Bella I would have sworn that nothing was out of the ordinary in our home.

I decided that since no one objected except Rosalie, it would be fine. She was out voted.

"No coffins?" Bella asked sarcastically but with the smallest timber of nervousness.

I laughed and took her hand leading her away from the piano. I couldn't help the excitement I was feeling bubbling out.

I could sense Emmett, Carlisle, and Esme all ask themselves about what could have possibly caused her to say that. Emmett thought it was hilarious. Carlisle was curious and Esme was concerned.

"No coffins," I confirmed with a tremendous seriousness that I hoped she knew meant I was being playful.

With no response on Bella's part, the comment was put aside.


	48. Chapter 48: A Brief Introduction

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. The dialogue that comes from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun remains hers.**

* * *

I toned down my family's inner voices and gave Bella my full attention. Leading her up the stairs to the second floor I gestured towards the doors as we went.

"Rosalie and Emmett's room … Carlisle's office … Alice's room …"

Before we could ascend to the third floor, Bella stopped dead staring at Carlisle's cross that was at the end of the hall.

"You can laugh. It is sort of ironic."

She didn't laugh.

I had laughed the first time I had seen it finding it terribly ironic that Carlisle owned a cross, and not just any cross. This cross, one filled with so many memories for him. If there was one item in our home that demonstrated our oddity it was this cross. In so many ways it symbolized what made us stand out even in comparison to the Denali's. I mean, how many vampires were, before their transformation, connected in some way to religious formation? A few perhaps. But none before Carlisle had fought our most basic nature, had refused to feed on humans, and had instead became a doctor. It was an oddity to top all oddities.

Bella raised her hand one finger extended as if she would touch it, but didn't.

"It must be very old," Bella stated quietly almost reverently as if she had been transported to the church in which it had hung.

I shrugged. Old is relative. Relatively, this wasn't that old. I had seen in our travels things much older and in Carlisle's memories from the library and storehouses in Volturra things even older.

"Early sixteen-thirties, more or less," I told her.

She turned and stared at me.

I didn't understand her look. Was it the age that surprised her? Was it the fact that a vampire owned a cross at all let alone put it on display?

"Why do you keep this here?" she asked with curiosity.

The wheels began to spin in her head. I had been dreading this. Why couldn't we have arrived in my room without her becoming interested and curious about something? Instead, she asked questions. My answers would result in her wanting to know more. What should I do? Do I answer her questions truthfully, but with brevity? Do I give her kind lies? Whatever I chose the house would hear. What would they choose? How much would they want to be known? Carlisle had always been open about his history sharing it with any visitor that would listen it seemed.

It was one thing for her to carry the secret of _what_ we are. It was another to tell her the secrets of _who_ we are. Yet, as I had realised when Bella asked the question about Esme being musical, this was why I had wanted to invite her over. A part of me wanted her to know me, and consequently by extension my family. All but Rosalie had voted yes. Surely they had known she would ask questions. Simultaneously, I had promised Carlisle that I would be discrete and not share with her the secrets I carried. I had no good answers; no way forward that looked appealing. I thought over Bella's question and decided to answer with truth in brevity.

"Nostalgia. It belonged to Carlisle's father." My tone was informative and detached as if we were in a museum and she had asked about of the pieces on display.

I hoped this would answer her question and we could move on, although I doubted it.

"He collected antiques?" Her voice was doubtful.

I should have guessed that would have been the assumption her mind would make from my statement. Her question showed how she could not comprehend time like we do. If Carlisle had been human, then perhaps hers would have been a reasonable guess. A visitor of our kind would have made a totally different connection. Because for us, our possessions were usually personal and often reflected parts of our history. It was sweet that she saw us in such human ways and sad that she could not see us clearly.

"No. He carved this himself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit in the vicarage where he preached."

Her face took on a strange contortion and she moved her face away from my gaze back to the cross.

If these simple brief truths could cause such a reaction, I did not want to imagine what our family histories might do.

After the silence dragged on I asked worried, "Are you all right?"

She didn't seem all right.

I could feel Esme's mental tenor shift to concern. I wished at that moment that I could have sent Carlisle a telepathic message asking what might be wrong with Bella and what I should do next. Instead, I brought his mind forward. Fortunately, I didn't have to wait much longer before Bella opened her mouth.

"How old is Carlisle?" she breathed as if she was struggling to exhale.

I paused longer than was normal for me, and longer that was customary for humans to answer each other. I needed Carlisle to tell me that I could share this with her. I wouldn't break the promise I had given him.

As if he could feel my uncertainty through the walls, I heard his mental voice shift from the medical journal and become directed at me.

"Go ahead," he uttered in our quick murmur. _You're welcome to share the basics._

Out of courtesy, I briefly listened in to the rest of the family. No one in the house objected. Rosalie was almost exasperated. _Of course, he says to go ahead. He would tell a tree, if it would listen._

With great relief I toned down their inner voices once more and spoke. "He just celebrated his three hundred and sixty-second birthday."

At that Bella looked back at me with curiosity burning in her eyes.

As I had expected, this one answer had resulted in more questions than I could ever answer in an afternoon. Watching her carefully I explained some keeping in mind my desire to quell her curiosity while giving her as little information as possible.

"Carlisle was born in London, in the sixteen-forties, he believes. Time wasn't marked as accurately then, for the common people anyway. It was just before Cromwell's rule, though. He was the only son of an Anglican pastor. His mother died giving birth to him. His father was an intolerant man. As the Protestants came into power, he was enthusiastic in his persecution of Roman Catholics and other religions. He also believed very strongly in the reality of evil. He led hunts for witches, werewolves …" I slowed watching and listening attentively, "… and vampires."

She became still, but her natural rhythms continued unaffected, so I continued.

"They burned a lot of innocent people–of course the real creatures that he sought were not so easy to catch. When the pastor grew old, he placed his obedient son in charge of the raids. At first Carlisle was a disappointment; he was not quick to accuse, to see demons where they did not exist. But he was persistent, and more clever than his father. He actually discovered a coven of true vampires that lived hidden in the sewers of the city, only coming out by night to hunt. In those days, when monsters were not just myths and legends, that was the way many lived. The people gathered their pitchforks and torches, of course." I laughed darkly at the idea that these things would be of any protection, "and waited where Carlisle had seen the monsters exit into the street. Eventually one emerged."

Would Bella want to hear this part? How an innocent young man attempting to protect his people became a monster? However, as much as I enjoyed her company and the last day had been exquisite, she needed to run, to flee me and be safe from these horrors.

My voice became quieter automatically. "He must have been ancient, and weak with hunger. Carlisle heard him call out in Latin to the others when he caught the scent of the mob. He ran through the streets, and Carlisle–he was twenty-three and very fast–was in the lead of the pursuit. The creature could have easily outrun them, but Carlisle thinks he was too hungry, so he turned and attacked. He fell on Carlisle first, but the others were close behind, and he turned to defend himself. He killed two men, and made off with a third, leaving Carlisle bleeding in the street."

I paused watching her and contemplating once more about how much to tell her. If there was a horror story in our family regarding our transformations, it was Carlisle's. She was bound to comprehend fully by the end of the tale my first warning to her. She would see the truth and send me away. I would remember and hold dear to my heart our time together for the rest of my existence. In the mean time, as a precaution, anything that might result in her knowing about how we are turned needed to be edited for sure.

"Carlisle knew what his father would do. The bodies would be burned–anything infected by the monster must be destroyed. Carlisle acted instinctively to save his own life. He crawled away from the alley while the mob followed the fiend and his victim. He hid in a cellar, buried himself in rotting potatoes for three days. It's a miracle he was able to keep silent, to stay undiscovered. It was over then, and he realized what he had become."

I studied her. She looked as if she just had heard a lecture on astrophysics.

During my telling the family had stilled their activities actively paying attention to her reaction bar Rosalie who had simply continued on.

"How are you feeling?" I asked concerned needing to know how frightened I had caused her to be.

Even though no one had mentally asked me how she was or stated their concern, there seemed to be appreciation for my question from Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Jasper.

For my own sake I tuned into Jasper's assessment of Bella. He had determined mostly curiosity, some anxiousness, and something like being overwhelmed.

"I'm fine," she answered assuredly while biting her lip.

I doubted she was fine. She had yet to be well when she said fine.

Her eyes began to fill with curiosity and wonder.

I smiled.

I had been right in the worst kind of way. My dread founded. Instead of running away, Bella was running towards the horror.

"I expect you have a few more questions for me."

Searching out my family's mental reaction I seemed to be the only one flustered by her nonchalant attitude. Everyone else seemed to use it to entrench his or her previous held perspective. I tuned them back down and refocused on Bella.

She responded carefully. "A few."

Then she half-smiled while she looked at me as if judging how much I might be willing to say.

I could feel a smile widen as I thought about the rest of Carlisle's life before coming to America. He had said that I could tell her the basics. Perhaps he would be willing instead, his ability to weave a story greater than mine. I pulled Bella along as a headed towards his office.

"Come on, then. I'll show you."

Leading her back to Carlisle's office I paused knowing he had heard us, but politely waiting.

"Come in," Carlisle invited.

I opened the door and Bella walked in.

She took in the breadth and depth of the room, books on bookshelves from floor to ceiling.

Carlisle sat behind his desk. He put a bookmark in the medical volume he had been reading as we walked in, just one of the many human behaviours he did even though it was unnecessary and no one would otherwise see him doing so.

Carlisle rose from his seat asking, "What can I do for you?"

I smiled to myself. Of course he knew the answer. We never did these social dances. He knew my intention as soon as I had moved in his direction. The question was for Bella's benefit, which was kind.

"I wanted to show Bella some of our history, well your history, actually," I stated also for Bella's benefit.

It was odd to do this kind of verbal exchange. We looked at each other and shared a moment of mirth. For a moment it felt like it was just the two of us and we were in the shop trying to convince the human salesman that we did in fact need as many suits as we said we did. This pretending I couldn't read thoughts and him pretending that he didn't know me so well was something we hadn't done in so long.

"We didn't mean to disturb you," Bella added apologetically.

 _She really is sweet and well mannered, Edward. She reminds me of Esme in her desire not to impose._

I smiled at the compliment.

"Not at all. Where are you going to start?" Carlisle asked with the mirth of our pretending under his formal tone.

"The Waggoner," I answered as if he didn't already know his own history, how he told it, and what picture would be next in the telling. My tone contained the equal hidden amount of mirth as his had.

He nodded like that was a wise place to start, playing along. It was all rather amusing.

I placed a hand on Bella's shoulder lightly and spun her around to look back at the door we had just entered to face the paintings depicting different stages of Carlisle's journey.

As I had touched Bella her heart had her usual reaction to my touch–slightly erratic. Then blood filled her neck and cheeks.

Carlisle stifled a smug grin at her reaction. His thoughts were glowing with watching our connection and of how I had finally found love.

Finding his mental gushing embarrassing I pulled her towards the left bringing her to look at a small square oil painting in a small plan wooden frame.

"London in the sixteen-fifties," I explained as Bella examined the painting.

Carlisle came around the desk and moved towards us stopping a few feet away.

"The London of my youth," Carlisle added.

I always loved the mental pictures this time in his life conjured. When I was new in this existence Carlisle would tell me stories. The images combined with his voice often helped quiet me and aided in me in finding stillness until I was able to manage it myself.

His proximity seemed to startle Bella slightly.

"Will _you_ tell the story?" I requested.

I would never do it the justice he would. A part of me yearned to slide into those times with him and I, only this time Bella would join us. Was that how he felt when Esme first came into our lives? Perhaps so.

Bella had turned towards him anticipating his response.

He looked at her and smiled.

"I would, but I'm actually running a bit late. The hospital called this morning–Dr. Snow is taking a sick day." He turned smiling at me, "Besides, you know the stories as well as I do."

Yes, but it wouldn't be the same.

 _Enjoy Edward. This moment will never come again._

Then he smiled kindly at Bella and exited. I heard him give his farewell to Esme and then leave for the hospital.

Bella stared at the painting.

"What happened, then?" she finally asked looking at me. "When he realized what had happened to him?"

I looked back at the paintings my eye being drawn to a larger landscape in dull fall colours–an empty, shadowed meadow in a forest, with a craggy peak in the distance. I felt Bella's eyes follow mine.

"When he knew what he had become he rebelled against it. He tried to destroy himself. But that is not easily done."

I had never found this part of the story pleasant, watching Carlisle over and over and over in self-wretchedness attempt to take his own life.

"How?" Bella asked with a quiver in her voice.

I could see no harm in giving her this. She already knew I stopped a van.

"He jumped from great heights. He tried to drown himself in the ocean … but he was young to the new life, and very strong. It is amazing that he was able to resist … " rather than become his natural self, killing, like I had chosen to do, "… feeding … while he was still so new. The instinct is more powerful then, it takes over everything. But he was so repelled by himself that he had the strength to try to kill himself with starvation."

These images are perhaps the worst. Watching him through his memories forcing himself not to feed.

"Is that possible?" she breathed.

The answer to this too gave her little that she didn't already know. I thought about the wording before I opened my mouth.

"No, there are very few ways we can be killed. So he grew very hungry, and eventually weak. He strayed as far as he could from the human populace, recognizing that his willpower was weakening, too. For months he wandered by night, seeking the loneliest places, loathing himself. One night, a herd of deer passed his hiding place. He was so wild with thirst that he attacked without a thought. His strength returned and he realized there was an alternative to being the vile monster he feared. Had he not eaten venison in his former life? Over the next months his new philosophy was born. He could exist without being a demon. He found himself again. He began to make better use of his time. He'd always been intelligent, eager to learn. He studied by night, planned by day. He swam to France and–"

"He _swam_ to France?"

I paused puzzled as to why this would have baffled her so. It wasn't like he crossed the Pacific or something.

Patiently I reminded her, "People swim the Channel all the time, Bella."

Her face contorted from confusion and dismay to a form of hazy remembrance and then acceptance.

"That's true, I guess. It just sounded funny in that context. Go on."

Her comment ticked me reminding me of how human she saw us. She forgot that we were monsters under our well-crafted façade. With that thought I decided to tease her a little about the differences between our kinds.

"Swimming is easy for us–"

"Everything is easy for you," she griped.

I shrugged nonchalantly. It was the venom. We had no choice. I waited for her to stop ranting amused at her complaint regarding something I had no control over.

She looked at me earnestly. "I won't interrupt again, I promise."

I chuckled darkly at my memories our family's travels in the ocean and the unlikelihood at her being able to keep her promise. Instead of continuing, I decided to rile her up some more.

"Because, technically, we don't need to breathe."

I stood patiently waiting.

"You–"

Her look between disbelief and awe and horror was a sight to behold.

"No, no, you promised," I reminded her laughing. I put my finger onto her warm lips. "Do you want to hear the story or not?"

I watched her try to contain herself and then scowl.

"You can't spring something like that on me, and then expect me not to say anything," she mumbled through my finger.

I lifted my hand and placed it against her neck. Her heart rate increased.

"You don't have to _breathe_?" she asked forcefully as if the information had taken the breath away from _her_.

I heard everyone in the house chuckle except Rosalie whose mental ranting became louder making them difficult to ignore.

It was puzzling why not being able to breathe created such a response from her.

"No, it's not necessary. Just a habit." Then I shrugged.

Of all the things for her to be surprised about.

"How long can you go … without _breathing_?"

She still seemed quite shocked about this. Stopping moving vans with my hand? No problem. I want to drain her dry and relish every drop? No biggy. I can run so fast she can't see? Doesn't faze her at all. But our lack of _breathing_ does? My brain could not comprehend the possibility of how her brain might work.

"Indefinitely, I suppose; I don't know. It gets a bit uncomfortable–being without the sense of smell."

I saw no reason to lie. It was just another part of our nature. And I was enjoying her reaction. It befuddled me.

"A bit uncomfortable," she repeated as if the words did not made sense.

I watched as she processed this information. There was no disgust. Her face looked twisted though and her eyebrows were together like she was caught doing a difficult problem. I stared intently waiting for the moment that she would run. It would pain me incredibly, but I wanted her safe beyond all else and truly she was safest away from me. The impossibility of what I faced stretched out in front of me.

"What is it?" Bella whispered and touched my face drawing me out of my thoughts.

Her warm touch sent the inevitable to the back of my mind and allowed me to be here now with her.

I sighed.

"I keep waiting for it to happen," I admitted.

I scolded myself for falling into my old patterns and allowing my thoughts to take me away from the moment. If I hadn't, she wouldn't have asked. And if she hadn't of asked we wouldn't be having this conversation.

"For what to happen?" she asked after what appeared to be careful contemplation.

I weighed the cost of answering honestly not only to her, but also for my family to hear. They would understand much better than her the implication of my truth. Despite my desire to lie, I couldn't. I couldn't bear to hide myself from her. In a way, Bella had already noticed what she was asking me. She had said so in the cafeteria when she had attempted to prove that she cared for me more than I for her. I felt the need, no matter the opinions of my family, to speak clearly. I understood Rosalie's displeasure. She needed to know, along with the others, that I understood that this was fleeting. I was not under a delusion of some sort and I hadn't changed my mind about my refusal to change Bella.

"I know that at some point, something I tell you or something you see is going to be too much. And then you'll run away from me, screaming as you go." I half smiled thinking of all the times she should have run but hadn't. "I won't stop you. I want this to happen, because I want you to be safe. And yet, I want to be with you. The two desires are impossible to reconcile …"

 _Oh, Edward,_ Esme internally moaned. I could see her attempting to reconcile the reality of what I had painted verses what she had hoped for.

 _Your wrong, Edward,_ Alice insisted.

 _You really are a masochist, Edward. You are going to be even moodier than before when she leaves. Are you trying to make us all miserable? You're even a more self-centred prick than I thought. You should have stayed away from her like you promised you would._

Jasper and Emmett were interestingly silent apart from _You're an idiot_ from both of them, although at different moments.

I was nervous again concerned about what Bella might think about my confession, but mostly concerned about what she might do. If my family had a lingering question regarding my intentions, it was cleared up. I had confessed to them as much as I had to her. Hopefully it would help, especially with Rosalie. I stared at Bella, waiting, giving her my full attention.

"I'm not running anywhere," she stated definitively.

For today, sure. But unlike my kind, humans change. She will change; this was certain.

"We'll see," I replied humouring her with a smile.

She might have said yes to me yesterday or even today, but tomorrow would be another day. For Bella it might be the day she woke up and said 'enough'.

She frowned. "So, go on–Carlisle was swimming to France."

I considered ignoring her redirection, but continuing our conversation was bound to lead to nothing good. I wanted it to be a good day.

I mentally went back to where I was before our detour. My eyes caught the painting of the Volturi.

"Carlisle swam to France, and continued on through Europe, to the universities there. By night he studied music, science, medicine–and found his calling, his penance, in that, in saving human lives." My thoughts went to my attempts to follow in his footsteps and in those attempts learning the challenge of what he makes look easy. "I can't adequately describe the struggle; it took Carlisle two centuries of torturous effort to perfect his self-control. Now he is all but immune to the scent of human blood, and he is able to do the work he loves without agony. He finds a great deal of peace there, at the hospital …"

I thought about how even though the rest of the family have mates, Carlisle and Esme are really the only ones that have fully found peace in their lives. Carlisle finds it in his work and Esme in loving us all, making our homes, taking care of us, and her charities. Feeling Bella's gaze I remembered that this was meant to be Carlisle's story. I tapped my finger against the painting of Carlisle with the Volturi.

"He was studying in Italy when he discovered the others there. They were much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers."

My finger went near Carlisle and the three other figures–Aro, Caius, and Marcus–in the highest balcony.

"Solimena was greatly inspired by Carlisle's friends. He often painted them as gods." I chuckled at the atrocity of the idea. "Aro, Marcus, Caius, nighttime patrons of the arts."

She seemed enraptured by the story keeping her eyes on the image I had pointed to.

"What happened to them?" Bella's fingertip came near the canvas.

It seemed like an usual question to me, until I realized that Bella was still seeing my world through human's eyes.

"They're still there." I shrugged. Life doesn't change much for our kind generally. "As they have been for who knows how many millennia. Carlisle stayed with them only a short time, just a few decades. He greatly admired their civility, their refinement, but they persisted in trying to cure his aversion to 'his natural food source,' as they called it. They tried to persuade him, and he tried to persuade them, to no avail. At that point, Carlisle decided to try the New World. He dreamed of finding others like himself. He was very lonely you see. He didn't find anyone for a long time. But, as monsters became the stuff of fairy tales, he found he could interact with unsuspecting humans as if he were one of them. He began practicing medicine. But the companionship he craved evaded him; he couldn't risk familiarity. When the influenza epidemic hit, he was working nights in a hospital in Chicago. He'd been turning over an idea in his mind for several years, and he had almost decided to act–since he couldn't find a companion, he would create one. He wasn't absolutely sure how his own transformation had occurred, so he was hesitant. And he was loath to steal anyone's life the way his had been stolen. It was in that frame of mind that he found me. There was no hope for me; I was left in a ward with the dying. He had nursed my parents, and knew I was alone. He decided to try …"

Carlisle's memories of my transformation filled my mind and then my own. My mind was filled with Bella's face contorted with the suffering she would have to endure for Alice's vision to be realized. No matter what good Carlisle had seen in me to cause him to change me, it wasn't enough to stop me from being a monster. Despite his good intention and belief that he saved me from certain death, he had in reality condemned my soul for eternity. Somehow Bella was still standing next to that monster without fear, curious. I turned to her smiling at the angel in my mist. Certainly I didn't deserve her, but here she was anyway.

"And so we've come full circle," I concluded.

I waited in anticipation for her next question.

"Have you always stayed with Carlisle, then?"

Which was not what I wanted her to know. Naturally, being Bella, she would ask the exact question that I didn't want to answer.

"Almost always," I answered hoping that would satisfy her.

Putting my hand on her waist I pulled her gently, ever so gently, out the door. Bella kept her eyes on the paintings as we exited. I took her back down the hall towards the cross.

"Almost?"

I sighed. Of course she wouldn't let it go, of course she would want to know. In this moment more than any other I wish I could go back and undo all that had been done just so I didn't have to admit to this angel the depth of my depravity. I greatly wished I had a record to be proud of, but I could not change it. I could always lie. I wanted to lie, but I couldn't. I couldn't dishonour her trust like that, not to mention that everyone one would know straight away and mentally berate me. I couldn't face Esme if she heard me lying to Bella.

"Well, I had a typical bout of rebellious adolescence–about ten years after I was … born …" no that wasn't right "… created, whatever you want to call it. I wasn't sold on his life of abstinence, and I resented him for curbing my appetite. So I went off on my own for a time."

 _Is 'rebellious adolescence' the new euphemism for the murder of hundreds of human beings? You should of allowed Jasper and I to take care of her so you wouldn't have to get your hands or mouth dirty again._ Rosalie's sarcasm and ire were formidable in her tone. _You're going to ruin us all, you know._

The strength of Rosalie's tone had invaded my mind bringing with it everyone else's thoughts.

Jasper's mind was filled with his memories of our conversations as I attempted to offer my empathy of his struggles with vegetarianism.

Alice and Esme were both doing mental exercises to ensure that they didn't bring forth their memories of that time period.

 _I hope you don't run her off, Eddie, I like this human_ , Emmett commented.

I had made the words sound as palatable as possible, but there just was no way to get around the fact that I had hunted humans for years. Nor did it change how difficult it was as a topic for each of us in different ways. As soon as possible, I tuned them back down.

"Really?" her voice intrigued.

I brought her upstairs to the third floor her reaction rang in my ears.

"That doesn't surprise you?" I asked dubiously. Or scare you or cause you to think less of me?

Perhaps it was because she hadn't really digested the reality of my statement. She took everything in stride so easily. It was bound to catch up with her one day.

"No."

No? No? Not maybe? Not I'm not sure? Not maybe a little but? How could a human see my world in a way that the murdering of hundreds of her own species was not surprising?

 _She_ is _meant for you,_ Esme rejoiced her enthusiasm and joy bringing her thoughts through clearly.

 _Told you not to underestimate Bella,_ Alice scolded me.

 _No fear. Curious._

 _Officially she's a keeper, Eddie_.

 _That girl is a bigger idiot than you._

"Why not?" I managed to ask Bella in a curious soft voice focusing once again on her.

Once again, I could not fathom her reaction. It made no sense to me.

"I guess … it sounds reasonable."

I laughed outright. Her reaction was that is sounded reasonable? Reasonable to kill people? How could that be reasonable? I felt as if I had fallen into Wonderland and everything was upside down.

Everyone else stilled in surprise.

I didn't bother listening to their thoughts tuning them back down instead. No doubt they would all be just as baffled as I was with Bella's reactions.

Now that I had begun down this path I felt a need to finish it. Just like yesterday, I wanted to get these things about myself out and into the open. She deserved the truth for all that she had given me. There was a small war beginning to be fought inside of me. On one side, it was selfish, I knew, but I was, in a way, trying to send her away as a result of my truths before I fell in love with her even more. These two days could last me the rest of my existence. She might be able to change her sentiments relatively easily, but I could not. For my own sake I would prefer it ended today, this moment rather than two years from now or five years from now. Her running away from me today would make the loss easier in a way.

On the other side, there was a part of me desperately wanting her to know me, to know everything about me and for her to want me despite my sins, for her to enjoy my company. I was achingly aware of the fact that for each moment I spent with her, the more time I wanted. This side of me wanted for her company to continue for as long as it may last. And although, it too, knew that the longer I was around Bella, the harder it would be to leave her when she sent me away, it counted the cost and said it was worth it. It too was selfish, wanting to hold onto these feelings for as long as it could.

Somewhere in the middle of this war was a small piece of me that temped me with the idea of forever with Bella. I didn't know which of these sides would win. I did know that both sides agreed to tell her the truth, although both were hoping doing so would result in a different outcome.

I spoke quietly my voice coated in my shame. "From the time of my new birth I had the advantage of knowing what everyone around me was thinking, both human and non-human alike. That's why it took me ten years to defy Carlisle–I could read his perfect sincerity, understand exactly why he lived the way he did. It took me only a few years to return to Carlisle and recommit to his vision. I thought I would be except from the … depression … that accompanies a conscience. Because I knew the thoughts of my prey, I could pass over the innocent and pursue only the evil. If I followed a murderer down a dark alley where he stalked a young girl–if I saved her, then surely I wasn't as terrible."

At this Bella shivered. Was the reality of my monstrosity finally catching up with her? Was the side of myself that wanted her to leave sooner than later going to win? I wanted to ask her what she was thinking, but I was afraid that if I didn't finish my story I might not have the courage to do so in the future. If nothing else, I wanted her to hear it all.

"But as time went on, I began to see the monster in my eyes. I couldn't escape the debt of so much human life taken, no matter how justified. And I went back to Carlisle and Esme. They welcomed me back like the prodigal. It was more than I deserved."

I seemed to have a lot of that. Despite having not deserved an inch of it, I was loved. My family loved me. And now there was Bella, whom I deserved least of all. There was nothing I could have done to be so richly blessed. I struggled to stay in the moment, wanting to wallow.

We were now at the end of the hall.

"My room."

I opened the door and pulled her into it, closing the door behind us.

By this time everyone else in the house had resumed their activity and had gone back to attempting to give us privacy.

I watched Bella as she took in my room. She started with the windows her eyes widening as each minute passed. Her gaze then passed to the shelves of CDs. It seemed that her eyes narrowed as it found my player. As she took in the rest of the room her face looked thoughtful. I wished to ask her what she thought, but held myself.

She had yet to say anything about my confessions. The silence was burning me, but her words had the power to tear me a part. I settled for silence.

"Good acoustics?" were the first words she spoke.

At first, I couldn't fathom what she had said. There was nothing about my past. She just moved on as if I had said nothing. Had I gone too far? Had I given her too much information and she was overwhelmed? Was she in denial? What was happening in her confounded brain? One side of me wanted to ask her, to discover her thoughts, was she just about to bolt? But another part of me, the cowardly part, wanted to pretend that I what I had just said didn't change her opinion of me at all.

The cowardly part won. I chuckled and nodded. She was a good guesser. The acoustics were really quite perfect, but she probably wouldn't have been able to tell. I picked up the remote and turned the stereo on.

She walked over to the wall.

"How do you have these organized?"

She caught me off-guard once again. Somehow of all the things she might say about my room, this was not what I expected. It distracted me from the internal war being fought, and my disgust at my own cowardness. Instead I pushed everything aside and went with Bella's lead.

"Ummm, by year, and then by personal preference within that frame."

It was such a normal kind of question, the kind of question a human girl might ask a human boy. I was experiencing an unexpected sensation.

"What?" Bella asked as if she immediately sensed my shift in mood.

I evaluated this sensation trying to name it.

"I was prepared to feel … relieved. Having you know about everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. But I didn't expect to feel more than that. I _like_ it. It makes me … happy." I shrugged and smiled slightly.

Being happy about her knowing me was as equally dangerous as it was pleasant. Certainly I shouldn't feel the way that I did. It wasn't in Bella's best interest for me to feel so happy about her knowing me. The fact that she knew about my murderous past and I was happy about it seemed wrong in some way, like it violated some moral code.

"I'm glad," she said smiling back.

I scrutinized her expression. Her sincerity and intensity only made the situation worse.

How could she possibly be glad to hear of my murderous nature? It seemed unreal in some way. Even though I knew vampires couldn't hallucinate, her response, or rather lack of one, led me to no other conclusions. It was like being in one of Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes mysteries, "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbably is the truth." That was where I was dwelling: in the land of improbability.

"You're still waiting for the running and screaming, aren't you?" she assessed.

I smiled slightly at her perception and nodded my assent. I watched her carefully for any change in mood.

"I hate to burst your bubble, but you're really not as scary as you think you are. I don't find you scary at all, actually."

At this last sentence her heart had sped up and her pupils had dilated slightly.

Oh no, I couldn't have that. My brothers would use this against me for at least the next century. I stopped and raised my eyebrows in disbelief.

Her body had given her away even if he voice and words hadn't.

Well, two could play this game. I gave her a wide smile that exposed my predator nature.

"You _really_ shouldn't have said that." I chuckled as the plan of flashed in my mind.

Emmett's razing about me losing my touch seared my brain. I growled, allowing my lips to curl back over my teeth exposing them menacingly, and then I half-crouched into the hunting pose I often took before pouncing on my meal.

She backed away now glaring at me.

"You wouldn't," genuine fear ever so slightly hinted in her tone.

 _Edward,_ Esme warned.

 _Seriously, Edward,_ Alice's inner voice had that older sister tone again. My intended plan ran through her mind.

 _Told you that you're losing your touch, Eddie._

 _What is wrong with those two? I swear Edward you will lose an arm if you hurt her in our house._

Jasper's mental calculations and assessments due to his gift suggested that he was confused on what he was hearing verses what he was tasting from us.

Then I leaped at her, grabbed her, wrapped her into my arms, and landed on the sofa the momentum sending it into the wall. The moment I was close to her the fire within me ignited and her warmth spread out to encase me. I allowed them to meet and expand filling me with the same contented happiness that I had experienced previously.

Bella gasped.

 _Edward_ , Alice's and Esme's reprimanding tones entered my consciousness.

Alice's was more concerned than Esme's. Alice had past images of Bella dead in my arms flow through her mind while Esme reminded me to be a gentleman.

Bella's muscles tensed as if she was attempting to move, but I curled her into a ball against my chest. She glared at me alarmed.

I did not want to let her go and lose this feeling. What I wanted to do was kiss her again. I contemplated if I wanted my siblings to hear us. I felt certain that Esme wouldn't mind as long as Bella was agreeable. My greatest hesitancy was that they would hear Bella's noises. I don't want her to feel embarrassed as Emmett was bound to say something eventually.

"You were saying?" I growled teasingly as much to my household as to her.

She seemed to always hold the magically formula. One day I needed to know her thoughts regarding my confession, but for now this warm, giggling Bella in my arms was enough.

"That you are a very, very terrifying monster," Bella responded attempting sarcasm, but it came out breathless.

 _Oh Edward._ I could hear Esme chuckling. She imagined her and Carlisle playing in a grove of trees while she was still human.

Both my brothers were chuckling at Bella's response, enjoying her reaction as much as I was.

 _You're an idiot_

 _Seriously, Edward? You want her to think of you as a scary monster? Boys!_

"Much better."

 _Edward, if you hurt Bella, I will …_ images flashed through Alice's mind as she attempted to find an appropriate threat.

"Um." Bella's muscles contracted against my body. "Can I get up now?"

I laughed as Alice and Jasper were now out of their room on the way to check up on me.

"Can we come in?" Alice asked through the door.

Bella's muscles contracted again.

I readjusted her so that she was on my lap instead.

"Come," I quickly murmured.

Alice opened the door.

Blood filled Bella's cheeks, her extra warmth singeing me.

 _After all that I've done to keep Bella safe, Edward, I swear …_

"Go ahead," I said for Bella's benefit reminding Alice to speak verbally, while I was chuckling quietly. Alice still hadn't found a threat she approved of.

Alice walked in and sat in the middle of the room. Jasper's expression of uncertainty was still on his face.

 _How can he be so close to her?_ Kept reverberating in his mind. He tasted the emotions in the room naming each one. _Yes, his thirst is still there._

"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice teased.

Her concern for Bella still on her face, but mostly receded now. She wasn't as confused as Jasper, but she still was upset at me.

Bella stiffened in my arms.

I grinned at her body's response.

She was, no matter how slightly, scared.

I stared at Alice.

"Sorry, I don't believe I have enough to spare."

I pulled Bella into me infinitesimally tighter. I grinned at Alice. I was claiming Bella as _mine_. I know she loved Bella, but had I not demonstrated my ability to control myself?

As soon as the mental declaration of Bella being _mine_ crossed my mind, I mentally recoiled. Bella was not mine and would never be mine. She was temporal. This simply wasn't an option.

Tasting the difference in my mood, Jasper stepped in smiling as if this was our normal sibling banter.

"Actually, Alice says there's going to be a real storm tonight, and Emmett wants to play ball. Are you game?"

I loved playing. As soon as I knew of the possibility, I wanted to say yes. Yet, I didn't want to leave Bella. I was uncertain.

"Of course you should bring Bella."

Jasper turned and implored his mate with his eyes to rethink the statement.

We would be outside in open air. Her scent would be less tempting. If Alice didn't see anything untoward happening … more than anything there was this pull inside of me to have Bella come and watch me play, to have whom I loved at the game.

I decided to ask Alice, What about the nomads?

 _I checked for the eventuality. It barely registered as possible. If it changes after your decision is made, you can back out._

Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme were excited about the idea of us playing. None of them were desirous of Bella being there.

 _I'm sure we can make it safe for her,_ Esme added mentally.

"Do you want to go?" I asked Bella.

More than anything I wanted to make sure Bella had choice.

"Sure," she answered, but her voice was hesitant. "Um, where are we going?"

I wasn't certain how to digest the information that she had said yes before she even knew what she was saying yes to. Why would she do that? A part of me wanted to imagine that it was because she wanted to have more time with me. Another part was terrified that she trusted me that much.

"We have to wait for thunder to play ball–you'll see why," I explained trying to ease her hesitancy.

Alice, Jasper and I watched her deliberate.

Alice couldn't see Bella's response because evidently Bella hadn't made a decision yet.

"Will I need an umbrella?" Bella asked.

Alice, Jasper, and I all laughed. We had never once, in all our games, ever thought about that. It was so different to have a human in our midst.

 _Umbrellas, I'll add that to my list_ I heard Esme suddenly thinking loudly before she returned to her work.

"Will she?" Jasper asked Alice concern dripping in his words.

Alice searched the future. She saw us playing, no rain, and then after the game me taking Bella home in the Jeep while everyone else ran home.

"No," she answered definitely looking into Jasper's eyes answering his spoken and unspoken question. She looked at Bella. "The storm will hit over town. It should be dry enough in the clearing."

"Good, then," Jasper answered enthusiastically.

Alice's mood from the vision was enough for Jasper.

"Let's go see if Carlisle will come." Alice got up and went to the door speaking out loud for Bella's benefit.

"Like you don't know," Jasper teased.

They left with Jasper softly closing the door.

"What will we be playing?" Bella demanded softly.

She didn't know? I reviewed the conversation. No, I suppose we had left that part out.

" _You_ will be watching," I answered curtly. "We will be playing baseball."

I watched as she scrunched her face and scowled attempting, I was certain, to imagine us playing baseball.

She rolled her eyes. "Vampires like baseball?"

"It's the American pastime," I answered mockingly.

Perhaps baseball would be the thing to cause her to run away. It had to be something eventually. Until then I was taking my family's, well most of their, advice and enjoying the moment.


	49. Chapter 49: Entrusted

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. Her dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.**

* * *

We left my home prior to Bella's dinnertime so that she would have time to tell Charlie our plans and introduce me. I worked at staying in the moment and simply enjoying the warmth Bella gave me as I drove her truck. I didn't feel the same rapturous joy as I had yesterday late afternoon. Nevertheless, I was pleased on how our time together had gone. I counted it as a success. My family and Bella had each done well with the other and Bella had gotten to know me a little more. I could feel that our bond had deepened. My desire to have more time with her was beginning to overshadow my pragmatism. The idea of being apart from her was unnerving, but I was comforted by the fact that I would be seeing her again soon.

I had been immersed in the feelings and sensations of Bella's warmth when I began to have a sensation like my venom was standing at attention and sharp points were being pressed from the bottom of my spine up into my cranium. The part of my brain that kicked into high alert had awoken. The last time I had felt similar was when the Blacks had visited Bella. Only that time was duller than this. A part of me wondered why the intensity had increased. But I didn't have time to dwell on that. I began scanning every mind in my radius. One point two miles from Bella's house I could hear the thoughts of Black senior.

 _How much longer should I wait? I wonder where Charlie was fishing today? I didn't see Bella's truck in town. Maybe I should just leave it on the porch? No. I wanted to talk to him. I'll give them another five minutes._

Black junior wasn't difficult to pinpoint after finding Black senior.

 _Can we leave already? It would be nice to see Bella, but I want to get back to working on my Rabbit._

I considered turning around or pulling over and waiting until they left. Certainly Bella wasn't in any danger from them. They cared about her, Black senior in particular. Last time he merely wanted to find an opportunity to warn her about us Cullens. Perhaps he was trying again. I couldn't understand why I was having the reaction I was. I evaluated the danger once again and concluded that Bella was perfectly safe. They would see her with me. It certainly wouldn't endear them to us, but that ship had long sailed. I could hope, though, that my presence would make Black senior's mission more urgent and he could convince Bella to send me away. With my decision made I drove forward, but the part of me that had become bonded with Bella over these past two days was trying to convince me otherwise.

I was within hearing range when I heard Black junior ask, "Come on Dad, how much longer are we going to wait? They're obviously not home."

Black senior responded with "a few more minutes."

The closer we got to Bella's house the more intense the physical warning in my body became. As soon as I saw them I tensed automatically and, embarrassingly, swore in front of Bella, hopefully too quickly for her to catch what I said. They both were by the front door rather than in their car as I had expected. I was irritated with myself that I had missed the noises to let me know they had exited their vehicle.

They both turned their heads towards the truck.

The younger Black's thoughts were easy to tolerate.

 _Figures that she'd be interested in someone from her school. Why is Dad acting so strange? Didn't she say last time that she was dating Edward Cullen? I bet that's him. Huh. Not sure what Dad's so upset about. It's not like those myths are true or anything. Superstitious old man._ Then the younger Black went to noticing how beautiful Bella was, which was merely irritating. He was at least more respectful of Bella than that vile Mike Newton.

I parked Bella's truck against the curb.

The Black senior's thoughts on the other hand …

 _The rumours are true. She is spending time with one of_ them. _How can she stand it? How could Charlie allow this? Now, that's not fair. They don't have the tales as we do to warn them. If they knew, Charlie wouldn't defend them and she would stay away. Charlie just sees the lies that the Cullens are so good at crafting._ _It's my responsibility to get it across to Charlie how dangerous the Cullens are. We're the ones that know the truth about them.  
_

"This is crossing the line," I muttered to myself.

If he wanted to warn Bella, then fine, he was welcome at it. His son had already broken the treaty in telling Bella. That couldn't be undone. We had already decided to let that treaty violation slide since the younger Black had done so in ignorance. Senior Black on the other hand, no such claim could be made. I doubted there was anything he could say that would surprise Bella, but to say anything to Charlie went against the treaty. And if Chief Swan believed his friend, there could be devastating consequences.

Bella must have heard me because she asked,"he came to warn Charlie?"

 _I am the only one who is in a position to keep Bella safe. No relationship with them will end well for her. Either they'll drain her or they'll turn her._

I nodded unable to keep my eyes off the Black senior.

"Let me deal with this," Bella suggested.

The Black senior looked directly at me with all the authority and strength I remembered in Ephraim's eyes. Billy Black was certainly his descendant.

 _Isn't this what the stories tell us? How they will come and take our innocent young women?_ Then his mind began reviewing what he knew in order to formulate a plan of how to stop us without any of their werewolf protectors.

I resisted her suggestion, but honestly I didn't have a better idea. We had agreed as a family not to say anything to the tribal elders. And Carlisle would not appreciate me going against that in any way. I was already treading on thin ice when it came to Bella. I really shouldn't cause more waves. With my options weighed I agreed.

Billy's mental catalogue of how he might protect Bella was as equally endearing as it was grating.

"That's probably best. Be careful, though. The child has no idea," I told Bella.

Something I said irritated Bella. "Jacob is not that much younger than I am," Bella reminded me with a reprimanding tone.

I looked away from the Blacks to Bella. I had acted inappropriately and had allowed my defensive instinct to taint our time together. As I looked at Bella I realized that I might have inadvertently insulted her.

I grinned and assured her, "Oh, I know."

I hoped that by making light of the matter I could make up for my poor behaviour.

It wasn't the younger Black's age, but his mental immaturity that had resulted in my label.

He still was trying to figure out his Dad, while most of his thoughts were on the vehicle he was working on. In this way, he reminded me a little of Rosalie.

Bella sighed heavily and put her hand on the door handle. I wanted to open the door for her, but given their presence, it didn't seem wise for me to exit the truck. I might do something I would regret if I were in the same space with them.

Billy was watching us closely his mind evaluating every movement. I was glad humans had limited hearing. At least our conversation was private from him.

"Get them to leave so I can leave. I'll be back around dusk."

I contemplated whether I should or should not stay until they left. Although they were not the wolves we met the last time we were here, I didn't trust the Blacks to keep to the treaty. I also was fighting my physical reaction to run at them and tear their hearts out.

"Do you want my truck?" Bella asked pulling me out of my thoughts.

I rolled my eyes. I felt a slight sensation similar to irritation. Perhaps she was merely being polite. Perhaps she was acting for the Black's sake, but I doubted it. I wanted to ask her: do you not remember that I run? Why did she seem so insistent on acting as if my nature had little difference to hers? She had said my nature didn't matter, but perhaps she simply had put it out of her mind. I had seen humans do that before. They decided not to think about something and then it was as if it didn't exist. Could that have been what Bella was doing? She wasn't running because she simply set aside everything that made me inhuman?

"I could _walk_ home faster than this truck moves," I reminded her looking at her.

The feeling that I had previously of being known by Bella, by being accepted by her, felt as if it was being chipped away at slowly. I had been irrevocably changed. I couldn't go back to before Bella, but she could. She could forget about me as easily as she had forgotten that I could run faster than her truck.

I continued calculating what my best option was after Bella got them in her home.

"You don't have to leave." The sadness and wanting were evident in her voice.

Her reluctance to have me leave warmed me. I smiled at her trying to forget the Blacks momentarily.

"Actually, I do. After you get rid of them–"I quickly glanced back in their direction–"you still have to prepare Charlie to meet your new boyfriend."

I grinned widely, a look that was usually menacing, wondering if I scared the Blacks.

She groaned. "Thanks a lot."

I wasn't sure if she was responding to my words or the fact that I had warned the Blacks.

The Black senior saw our innocent interactions as some sort of twisted diabolical game where I was charming her in order that she might give me permission to enter her home. He began painting images of me as a type of demon slithering my way into Bella's home, sneaking up the stairs, and entering her room. He imagined me touching her in inappropriate ways against her will and then slaughtering her, relishing in my acts. Worse than any possible future Alice had seen, he pictured me standing next to her triumphant with her defiled dead body below me while drops of her blood rolling down the edge of my mouth.

I smiled at Bella reassuringly hoping that she was responding to my words. "I'll be back soon."

In a childish manoeuvre intended to dispel the image in the senior Black's mind I flashed my eyes over to the Blacks to ensure they were still watching me and then I leaned in to Bella and touched my lips to just under the edge of her jaw briefly. Her heart lurched frantically.

It did the trick. The image left the elder Black's mind. Instead his thoughts were an incoherent jumbled stream of curses combined with images of my body being ripped to shreds by werewolf teeth.

" _Soon_ ," she stressed as she opened the door and stepped into the rain.

I watched her as she quickly went towards her front door.

Once she was near he seemed to calm some and began reminding himself of his role as an elder, assuming in order to keep the treaty. Bella's eyes went to the porch.

"Hey, Billy. Hi, Jacob," she greeted them fairly cheerfully. "Charlie's gone for the day–I hope you haven't been waiting long."

It was clear that although he abided by the treaty, he saw our family as no different than the rest of our kind.

If were like the rest of our kind you wouldn't be alive, I thought darkly, but thought better of sharing my views.

"Not long," Billy answered in a strong but subdued tone. He even sounded a bit like Ephraim. "I just wanted to bring this up." He indicated a brown paper sack on his lap.

His mind went to strategies of how to keep Bella safe from me.

"Thanks," Bella answered.

I wished they would get inside already. I was itching to be out of the truck.

 _Sure he's older than me, and he goes to school with her, but what does she see in him? He's got that all-American look, but Bella isn't someone who cares about outward appearance. He seems really intense and she seems like the kind of girl who would like someone more easy-going. He looks like a guy who has a temper. She deserves someone who will always keep his cool. I'm easy-going and I keep my cool. What does he have that I don't? Probably age. She probably doesn't want to date a younger guy._ All during Jacob's inner monologue he had looked back and forth between Bella and I.

"Why don't you come in for a minute and dry off?" Bella offered sweetly.

 _If I go in, then I can't keep an eye on this demon. At the same time, I can't warn Charlie about this wretched creature if I don't go in. The legends say that they're stronger than a man, thus the need for our protectors. How can I keep Bella safe? Certainly, the treaty that my father created was intended to keep the tribe and humans safe, but obviously it isn't keeping him away. How to keep him away?_

 _She smiled at me and invited us in. Maybe she's not serious about Cullen. She's so beautiful and amazing, I doubt I'd have much of a shot at her, but he's sitting out there and I'm going into her house with her. Maybe that says something._

Black junior's thoughts were beginning to really irritate me. I couldn't help but wonder if after she said no to me, she would say yes to him. Was he ultimately what she would want?

Bella unlocked the door and waved them ahead of her.

"Here, let me take that," she offered to Black senior as she turned to close the door.

She looked right at me trying to convey some message from her eyes. She straightened up and gently closed the door.

I got out of the truck and went round the house where they wouldn't be able see my movements out the windows and entered the forest. There I moved in deeper and went up an older strong tree moving along the canopy until I had a direct line of sight to where Bella was. Every physical manifestation I had around them told me they were dangerous. It wasn't as bad as when I had come face to face with the wolves last time, but there was a distinct similarity. No matter what my brain said, my body stated clearly that there was danger. I couldn't leave Bella. I hoped Carlisle agreed with my choice. I couldn't withstand Carlisle's disappointment.

The last time they were over I had hoped that senior Black's friendship with Bella's father would have allowed him to convey the full threat we posed to Bella. He never got the chance. Perhaps he would now. I wanted her to be safe from me. However, I no longer wished that with every fibre of my being. There was now a side of me that wanted more time with her, and a part of me that wanted to rush in, steal her away, and explain later to senior Black that I could never hurt Bella.

Billy was explaining to Bella what was in the brown bag–a gift for Chief Swan–while his thoughts continued to mull over how to protect his friend and friend's daughter without violating the treaty. His continued adherence to the treaty was a relief. He decided the best thing was to deal with Bella's dad and hope he could convince Sherriff Swan to forbade Bella to see me.

I smiled. I would like to see Bella's Dad try to stop her from doing anything. He cared for her deeply, and I doubted anything short of physical force could actually stop her once she put her mind to something.

Then the elder Black tried to get Bella to tell him where he might find her father.

She lied. Her lie was not convincing and Billy must have registered something because he sent his son out to the car changing his mind and decided to confront Bella himself.

After a few minutes Bella went into the kitchen and Billy followed. I heard the refrigerator open, her put the bag in, and then the door being close. Bella tried twice to hint at him leaving. He was having none of it. His mind carefully crafting the words he believed he needed.

I was curious to see if he would be successful. Certainly I hadn't been. Perhaps he would know how to reason with a teenaged girl better than I.

Finally the senior Black said, "Bella," in a way that I recognised as fatherly–full of authority and concern.

She said nothing in return.

I could hear her heart speed up slightly.

"Bella, Charlie is one of my best friends."

I was intrigued that this is where he would start: reminding her of their connection.

"Yes," she answered cautiously.

His cadence slowed. His genuine care and concern for her safety and well-being were forefront in his thoughts.

"I noticed you've been spending time with one of the Cullens."

I waited anxiously counting her heartbeats and inhales and exhales.

"Yes," she replied curtly.

There was a long pause. He immediately noticed that she was defensive. He recognised that wasn't good for his cause and that getting into a tug-of-war with her wouldn't lead anywhere. He had raised two daughters evidently, because he began shifting through talks with them to find the right words to get through to her.

"Maybe it's none of my business, but I don't think that is such a good idea," he stated gently but with the full authority being Ephraim's descendant afforded him.

Bella took a deep breath. "You're right. It is none of your business."

I grinned. I was rooting for Billy to get through to her, but I had to admire her strength and tenacity. I felt vindicated that I wasn't the only one to have a hard time getting through to her.

 _She must not be aware of his nature, then. Perhaps, even, this is her first crush. The newness of her feelings might be clouding her judgement and prohibiting her from seeing what is right in front of her eyes._ Memories of what looked like to be his daughter crying and being comforted by her mother about the loss of a first crush ran through his mind. _Not to mention that they are exceedingly skilled liars. I cannot imagine what lies that monster would have weaved in order to carry out whatever horrific plan he has in store for her._

His tone was softer and sweeter than before. "You probably don't know this, but the Cullen family has an unpleasant reputation on the reservation."

I was impressed on how he introduced the topic without breaking the treaty. His adherence to it was good news for us.

"Actually, I did know that." Bella's tone was hard. "But that reputation couldn't be deserved, could it? Because the Cullens never set foot on the reservation, do they?"

 _How much more does she know? How many truths did he intermingle with his lies in order for her to side with him? He's clever. I'll give him that._

I really was getting tired of being insulted. I had understood from Ephraim's mind the tribe's experience with cold ones as they called us, but this Black was insulting my integrity and honour. I had to remind myself multiple times how unhappy and disappointed Carlisle would be if I moved from my perch. He had been so overjoyed today. I didn't want to take that away.

"That's true," he admitted reluctantly.

 _He couldn't have possibly told her his nature. Would he have? They required secrecy as part of the treaty, but then told her? That makes no sense. Could she have guessed it and still remained in his company? No. She would know better. They're simply too good of liars. He must have convinced her that our dislike of them has no merit. It's not terribly surprising she has been duped by him. She is young and naïve. Not to mention that our legends remind us that they are beautiful and alluring in order to lure in their kills. Certainly he would use that to his full advantage._ He tried to figure out how to proceed.

Me too, I thought ruefully. The fact that I had something in common with Ephraim's descendant did not escape my notice.

"You seem … well informed about the Cullens. More informed than I expected."

His ability to fish for information while saying nothing was impressive.

"Maybe even better informed than you are." Her tone was strong and insistent.

This was the Bella I saw in Port Angeles, the Bella that stood against her attackers calculating how to bring them done. She was a dangerous creature in her own fragile way.

Junior was mentally getting more and more frustrated wondering why his Dad had sent him out here in what seemed now like a wild goose chase.

 _What does she mean by that? It seems unlikely. Could it be possible that she would know more about them then we do? Could it be possible that she knows and it not upset her? I always thought her to be a smarter girl than that. No. More than likely she isn't as informed as she's making herself out to be. He probably gave her some fantastical story that she bought hook, line, and sinker._ _Without the legends to inform her of how dangerous and diabolic they are, how they slaughter whole towns, and how they almost ended our tribe a sweet girl like Bella could easily be convinced of their lies._ _Who knows what tales he has weaved to ensnare her?_

I appreciated his desire to believe that Bella would respond to knowing about me as a normal human would. He couldn't possibly know that she was incapable of self-preservation, has thus far run towards me, and yesterday attempted to protect me in case I killed her. I wished that she was the Bella he imagined. Then she would have listened to my warnings from the beginning and she would be safer.

"Maybe," he stated tentatively. He decided to change tactics. "Is Charlie as well informed?"

With this Bella's heart was doing double time. This must be her weak link. I had suspected. Bella kept her father in the dark because she loved him, and, I suspected, because she saw herself as his caregiver. She was protecting him. That was exactly what she did for me by telling everyone that I had cancelled on her. She had been protecting me. If this was how she expressed her affection for others, then could I conclude that her affection for me must be fairly strong? I suddenly felt warm and honoured and unworthy.

After a few moments I heard Bella respond. "Charlie likes the Cullens a lot."

 _Yes, he does because he only sees their lies, but whatever story that monster has weaved to entrap her she probably doesn't want Charlie to know._

"It's not my business." _She like a daughter to me. Charlie would be devastated if that monster were to steal her away from him._ "But it may be Charlie's."

More minutes passed. "Though it would be my business, again, whether or not I think that it's Charlie's business, right?"

Once again I had to admire Bella. I was in awe of how she had managed the conversation.

 _No, it really isn't. It's a parent's responsibility to protect our children, not the other way around. But Charlie is as stubborn as a mule and refuses to believe my warnings. Bella might be equally as stubborn. There has to be a way to get through to them before things turn ugly. Knowing Charlie, if I said something again it might reopen the riff that was between us. Then I wouldn't be able to keep Bella safe. That darn treaty. Perhaps I should speak to the coven leader and remind him of his responsibility to keep his coven in line._ _He gave his word that they would not harm any human while they lived here, yet I witnessed his coven member kiss her on the jaw. Can't trust bloodsuckers no matter what their diet._

"Yes, I guess that's your business too," the senior Black reluctantly agreed.

I fought myself in my desire to go and defend Carlisle's honour. Ironically, Carlisle would be upset if I did so. Instead, I kept myself rooted in my perch.

 _Darn Swans. I just hope I can find some way of securing her safety before it's too late._

Bella sighed. "Thanks, Billy." Her tone was now warm and appreciative.

 _Girls. Their first crush is so overwhelming to them. I hope she can get over him before things turn ugly._

"Just think about what you're doing, Bella," he urged.

"Okay," she agreed quickly.

He noticed how quickly she had agreed. He decided that she needed something stronger from him.

"What I meant to say was, don't do what you're doing."

I froze. I had tried to warn her. I had tried to convince her to say no, but she hadn't listened. Would she listen to her father's best friend instead? Would his no become hers?

Just then the younger Black came back in complaining. The tone of the conversation completely changed. It seemed that they were now leaving.

I stayed waiting till they were gone playing back Bella and Billy's conversation. Once they were gone I ran home.

As I ran I tried to discern if this was a conversation the whole family needed to know about. Carlisle had been in the hospital when I left and I wasn't sure when he would be back. Certainly I would need to warn him that he might get a phone call from the Black senior. By the time I reached the house I decided that being as open as possible would be best.

Alice was in her room thinking about clothes.

Jasper was in their room thinking about a history book, probably reading.

Emmett was thinking about the upcoming game.

I appreciated that Rosalie wasn't internally yelling at me. Perhaps she was adjusting as well? To Bella? It was hard to tell with her. She seemed to be purposefully dwelling on rearranging her room and a new type of engine she had seen in a magazine. I was grateful for her mental effort.

I couldn't hear Carlisle, as I had expected I wouldn't. I went and found Esme instead.

She heard me come towards her office. "Come in Edward."

"Hey, Mom, I just was wondering when Carlisle would be home."

"Alice says he will be home before we went to play." She tilted her head. _Why?_

She was giving me the option of not sharing with my siblings in case it was personal. It was so like Esme: unfailingly kind and thoughtful.

"The Blacks were at Bella's when I dropped her off. I wanted to tell him about it."

I heard Jasper ask through the walls, "Anything disconcerting?" While Alice searched the future checking if the Blacks appeared again.

"No. The elder Black, Billy, was just as committed to the treaty."

"When will you leave to pick Bella up?" Esme asked.

"Two hours?" I paused checking that Emmett was in hearing distance and not … distracted. "Em, would you mind if I took the Jeep?"

"Um, sure, but Rosalie didn't outfit it for a human," he reminded me.

"No problem, Em. Thanks!"

Rosalie was mumbling under her breath, but since she was in the floor below and there were floors and walls between us I couldn't make it out.

"I don't see anything," Alice added so we all would hear.

"Okay, thanks," I said towards Alice. "Thanks, Mom." I paused watching Esme watch me. Without warning I rushed over to her and hugged her quickly. I pulled back and looking her squarely in her eyes added, "I mean it."

I darted out afraid that this softer Edward might do something else embarrassing. I entered my room and took in a deep breath. Bella's scent lingered. It was a beautiful reminder of our hours together listening to music and getting to know each other better. Not surprisingly, the rest of the house hardly held her scent anymore. Esme had opened all the windows and doors to air it out for the family's sake. I had heard her start doing so as soon as I had driven the truck down the drive. I appreciated that she hadn't done that here, in my room.

I laid on my couch, taking in Bella's scent, recounting the last hours, and listening to the activities of my family. For the first time I could imagine Bella here, with me, with my family. Maybe that was what Carlisle, Esme, and Alice saw when they imagined Bella–another member of our family. I found the idea immensely pleasing. Maybe I could trust in Carlisle's and Esme's belief that there must be a way. It was something I had learned from having Alice in my life–the future really is a mystery, even to a psychic. I knew, though, that this wishing would get me nowhere. Everything about Bella was temporary. I let go of my wish that Carlisle and Esme could be right and simply appreciated what I had been given today.

So much of what the senior Black had thought seemed to speak to my worst fears. I hadn't needed Bella's permission to sneak into her house. Instead I had entered and stayed in her room at my own will. My intention might have had some nobility in it and Bella seemed have forgiven me for it, nevertheless I began to feel ashamed of my actions. Just because I had the physical capacity to do so, didn't mean that I should have. I understood Esme's rebuke so much better. I might not have the same intention as the sinister imagery he conjured, but it didn't change how close they got to reality. How many times had Alice seen Bella dead by my hand? How many different ways had I imagined the taste of her blood? He had been right. I was nothing more than a killer and a monster under my well-crafted lies.

I knew this. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that I couldn't seem to be able to stay away from her. She drew me in like a magnet. I felt weak under her charms. The saving grace was that he confirmed for me that Bella's interest in me would be fleeting. A crush he had named it. I had planned on leaving when she sent me away, but as I reviewed the day I suspected that it would take Bella a while. She was singularly gifted at acknowledging my nature while ignoring all its implications. I needed to find a way to be stronger. I needed to make sure that Bella stayed as safe as the senior Black wanted her to be.

 _Edward, if she's coming, you need to go pick her up,_ Alice's warned invading my musings.

I had been lost in my own thoughts again. I wasn't sure if I should thank Alice for her continued desire to be friends with Bella or be irritated that she refused to see that Bella wasn't meant to remain with us.

I listened shortly and registered that Carlisle still wasn't home.

I went and knocked on Alice's and Jasper's door.

"Come in," I heard Jasper offer.

I had assumed that since Alice had spoken to me that they weren't otherwise occupied. I hadn't checked. I felt like an idiot.

"Sorry." I looked at them both. "Alice, I just want to confirm about Bella coming to the game. It's okay if plans change."

I especially wanted Jasper to know as well as Rosalie that I wasn't about to do something that would put Bella or the family at risk. I was trying to be smart about it.

Alice became statuesque as she focused all her attention on the future. As usual it was slightly fuzzy indicating too many variables for absolute clarity. The images flashed quickly. The three nomads hunting. Us playing baseball. The nomads running. The game ending. Me bringing Bella home safely.

"Everyone goes home having a good time," she concluded.

"Will they be running near enough to be an issue?"

She paused pondering. "No. It's an image I've had before. I looked at the maps. Looks like they're moving in a south-eastern direction–away from Forks."

I looked at Jasper.

Alice looked at him pleading.

He turned and looked at me, "There's enough of us to protect her, if it came to that."

Alice hit him playfully enough to move him 3 centimetres.

"Okay, if you're sure." I looked at both of them sincerely.

A huge grin spread across Alice's face. "It's gonna be fun!" Then the pixie tackled her husband.

I took that as a cue to make my leave. I picked up the keys to the jeep and drove to Bella's. The engine was too loud to idle somewhere and the Jeep too recognizable to wait for the right moment. I would have to just show up and hope to have good timing.

I found myself nervous. The man that I was going to meet had rights and responsibilities over Bella. Black senior was correct. Bella was Chief Swan's business. Not to mention that it was important for all my family's sake that Chief Swan continue to see us in a good light. So, no pressure. I repeated to myself: I just need to be respectful and appear human. I could do that. I wasn't sure if my mantra was to calm my nerves or boost my confidence. Hopefully both.

As I got closer, I was able to hear Bella and her father over the roar of the engine.

"… sure he's a nice boy and all, but he looks too … mature for you. Is this Edwin your boyfriend?"

I smiled at Chief Swan's strong protective mental images like a dragon standing in front of the castle protecting the princess. Bella needed to be protected from me. Black senior would be pleased to see this side of Chief Swan. The problem was the princess running past the dragon into the arms of the monster. This would all be solved if I was strong enough to walk away. The problem was that after these past two days I felt even more unable to leave Bella than I had before. Not to mention that the monster looked a lot more like Emmett than I. I wonder what Rosalie would think about Chief Swan's mix-up. It made me chuckle.

"I thought you liked the Cullens," I heard Bella test.

I had to admit that I was curious to see how Bella would handle the situation. Would Chief Swan stand between us? If he did, would I be able to respect his role enough to leave Bella alone? I suspected that unless it was Bella who said no, I would linger in the shadows waiting for my opportunity, and even then if it was Bella who sent me away I was uncertain how far away I could get. After today my bond with her felt even stronger.

"He's too old for you." Chief Swan's voice seemed loud for a human.

Would he yell at her in order to force his will? I realized that I had no idea what kind of father Chief Swan was.

"We're both juniors," I heard Bella meekly point out.

Was this her automatic response to anger? To become meeker, but continue with her point? She certainly acted similarly in the car ride back from Port Angeles when she told me what I am didn't matter. I noticed that she didn't actually disagree about the age thing, though. Once again she stuck to the truth while twisting things to her liking.

"Wait … " There was a moment's pause. "Which one is Edwin?" he asked his voice softer than before.

" _Edward_ ," her emphasis of my name brought a smile to my lips. Would I ever tire of her speaking my name? Unlikely. "… is the youngest, the one with the reddish brown hair."

I wondered if at some point I should point out that in some ways I was the oldest as I had been with Carlisle the longest. Probably not.

"Oh, well, that's …" The face of the monster he was protecting his daughter from changed slightly. It didn't really look like me, well my human façade face anyway. "… better, I guess. I don't like the look of that big one. I'm sure he's a nice boy and all, but he looks too … mature for you. Is this Edwin your boyfriend?"

"It's Edward, Dad," she sounded more terse.

I wondered why she didn't say yes. Did I embarrass her? Was she protecting her father from me in some way?

"Is he?" he asked with a firm tone.

Obviously her father was accustomed to her not answering questions and knew how to pin her down. I might learn something from him.

"Sort of, I guess."

I could imagine the blush that would accompany the tone in her words.

Despite the spurts that I got from his mind, I knew what had been spoken during their conversation last night because it was in my mind.

"You said last night that you weren't interested in any of the boys in town."

Even though I hadn't been actively listening the dialogue, it came at my recall. She had said that. I had been too wrapped up in my thoughts to hear her deny her attraction to me to her father. This would be the second time she denied to her father what she confessed to me. Were her words true when she spoke to me or to her father? Was she with me for some other reason? Popularity at school? Making a name for herself? I could feel my ire increase with each possibility. Then I remembered how much she had risked being with me these past two days. I was left dumbfounded.

"Well, Edward doesn't live in town, Dad." After a few pauses she continued, "and, anyways, it's kind of at an early stage, you know. Don't embarrass me with all the boyfriend talk, okay?"

I was a bit offended. Had she just a few hours ago explained how she thought the word boyfriend wasn't strong enough to contain her sentiments? Is this how a princess runs around the dragon? Her ability to twist the truth to her liking struck me. Was she somehow twisting her affection to me into stronger language in order to fuel her attraction? I had certainly witnessed others doing something similarly through the years. She was kind and she was good, but could I trust her to know her own emotions and be honest with me about them? Perhaps Black senior had been correct: I was her first crush and she was confused due to its newness and her perceived intensity of the emotions. On top of that, what did she mean by early stages? I didn't know where to place this information. Was she downplaying things between us to protect her father? Had she changed her mind about me, and consequently her sentiments after spending time in my home? Had the Black senior's warning gotten through to her? Was this the moment that she would send me away?

"When is he coming over?" His tone was defeated.

Chief Swan's mind wasn't clear enough to me for me to understand the tone of defeat. It seemed as if Bella won in this exchange, but I was befuddled to understand what.

"He'll be here in a few minutes," she explained calmly.

She too seemed to know that she had won something. I wish I knew what it was that had happened.

"Where is he taking you?"

I heard Bella groan. "I hope you're getting the Spanish Inquisition out of your system now. We're going to play baseball with his family."

The Spanish Inquisition when he wanted to know where she was going? Why wouldn't she want him to know? What was she trying to keep from him? Why hadn't she told him she was accompanying me to the meadow yesterday? I felt way out of my depth.

" _You're_ playing baseball?"

Chief Swan's thoughts were an incoherent jumble of sports and Bella. It seemed that his mind was unable to reconcile the two. Perhaps the way we played baseball would change that.

"Well, I'll probably watch most of the time."

There was a pause that seemed to indicate that something unknown to me was being communicated between them.

"You must really like this guy" was Chief Swan's conclusion.

Just then I pulled up to the house. Reminding myself to appear human, I got out of the Jeep and walked to the front door. I pressed my finger to the doorbell. I was grateful not to have the nervousness that I had yesterday morning when I had come to this door.

I heard heavy steps towards the door with Bella's light steps scampering behind.

Charlie opened the door. My eyes locked with Bella. Then I reminded myself that I was here to make a good impression on her father.

"Come on in, Edward," he said.

I observed as he eyed me up and mentally evaluated me. So much of his conclusions were based on superficial things and what he knew of my family.

"Thanks, Chief Swan," I said respectfully.

"Go ahead and call me Charlie. Here, I'll take your jacket."

My mother didn't raise me with such informality. On the other hand, I wanted to honour his request.

I took it off and handed it to him. "Thanks, sir."

"Have a seat there, Edward."

I took the only chair leaving Charlie and Bella the couch. This arrangement was better for Charlie's sake given his mind's protective images.

Bella shot me a dirty look.

I winked back at her when Charlie's back was turned. All of my questions and concerns would have been answered if I could just read her mind.

He turned back to me imagining himself as an interrogator.

"So I hear you're getting my girl to watch baseball." His tone was firm and stern.

He could probably be quite intimidating to other humans if he wanted to be.

"Yes, sir, that's the plan."

He looked at me like taking Bella out to a sports event was asking for trouble.

"Well, more power to you, I guess." Charlie laughed like it was a joke and I joined in lightly hoping to ease the tension.

"Okay." Bella stood up. "Enough humour at my expense. Let's go."

She walked back to the hall and pulled on her jacket.

Charlie got up and followed her.

I followed behind them.

Despite his image of himself as a dragon protecting the castle and the princess, she sure seemed to be leading the steps.

"Not too late, Bell," he said to her.

There was implicit permission for her to be in my company. For a moment, I wished that things were different and we were doing this in my era. A woman walking out of the house with her father and suitor behind her would have never happened. I felt uncertain and out of place with these strange customs.

"Don't worry, Charlie, I'll have her home early."

He turned and looked at me. "You take care of my girl, all right?" There was genuine care and concern in his voice.

It was obvious that he was trusting me with what was most precious to him. I dare not tell him that I would rather die than have Bella be harmed.

Bella groaned.

"She'll be safe with me, I promise, sir," I said sincerely.

Bella stomped out.

Charlie and I laughed knowing how Bella didn't like to feel weak.

I followed behind her.

On the porch she stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes became huge as she looked at the Jeep.

Charlie let out a whistle.

"Wear your seat belts," he said monotone appearing stunned.

I followed her to the passenger side and opened the door. I watched as Bella's eyes tried to calculate how to get in. Seeing that she wasn't going to ask for help I sighed. I lifted her in with one hand.

I went round to the driver's side at a human pace. I heard Bella attempting to buckle up.

"What's all this?" she asked when I opened my door.

"It's an off-roading harness."

"Uh-oh."

I could sense her trepidation. She was nervous. Why couldn't she just be honest with me? Instead, she tried again to buckle up. I sighed again and reached over to help her. Maybe one day she would have enough faith in me to ask for help. As I assisted her, I lingered at her neck, brushed my fingers along her collarbone, and appreciated the temperature of her skin. She was having a hard time breathing suddenly taking short shallow breaths. Despite everything, it was worth it to have her sitting next to me. I thought about how she fainted this morning and was pleased to hear her consciously take deeper fuller breaths.

I turned the key and the engine came to life. I purposefully took in a deep breath allowing it to burn me and prepared myself for the ride. We pulled away from the house with Charlie watching us go. I saw an image of Bella as a little girl and then something related to sports that was too unclear.

"This is a … um … _big_ Jeep you have."

Was the Jeep what was frightening her? Was she afraid riding in it? Rosalie had done a lot of work on it. It was safer and more durable than anything anyone could get off a storeroom floor.

"It's Emmett's. I didn't think you'd want to run the whole way."

I watched her out of the corner of my eye. Her warmth had begun penetrating me the moment I had gotten in. Her strange reactions were causing strange responses in me. I felt as if I no longer knew where I stood with her.

"Where do you keep this thing?"

I didn't understand her desire to know this. If she wanted to ignore what was making her afraid I could go along with her.

"We remodelled one of the outbuildings into a garage," I explained playing along.

"Aren't you going to put on your seat belt?" she asked in great concern.

I looked at her incredulously. Really, Bella? She had watched me stopped the van, which had started her downfall into my world, and she wanted me to wear a seatbelt? I didn't know what to do with this incongruence.

Before I could object to her statement she interjected. "Run the _whole_ way? As in, we're still going to run part of the way?" Her voice rose in octaves.

Finally her brain had caught up to where I had assumed her concern would go. I attempted to not break into laughter, but a grin escaped.

"You're not going to run," I teased lightly.

I imagined Bella running and tripping over and blood being released. No. Certainly not. She was not going to run.

" _I'm_ going to be sick."

I mentally reviewed our conversation after running from the meadow. Perhaps she had forgotten our conclusions.

"Keep your eyes closed, you'll be fine."

I would be more careful, but we didn't have the time for any other option. I was also being a cad and looking forward to feeling her heat so close to me.

Her heart started racing, adrenaline pumping, her breathing became shallower, and then she bit her lip.

I leaned over to kiss her forehead, but stopped and pulled back groaning.

She looked at me puzzled.

"You smell so good in the rain." I hadn't calculated the earthly scent it added, the proximity, and the hours I had been away from her.

"In a good way, or in a bad way?" she asked her voice cautious.

I sighed. "Both, always both."

I took another deep breath and let her scent burn me. My attraction to her created so many conflicted desires for me. I wanted her in so many ways. I wasn't deserving of her giving me any of what I wanted.

Once we were off the roads I enjoyed the drive. It was a bit challenging to navigate the path in the rain knowing Bella was more fragile than I. I couldn't travel as I was accustomed and it caused me to need to pay more attention. I enjoyed it, especially having Bella with me. I was going to a game with my family and wouldn't be the odd man out. I would have someone cheering me on. The idea was immensely pleasing.

The path ended. Trees formed a wall.

"Sorry, Bella, we have to go on foot from here."

Her face dropped, the colour drained out of her cheeks, and her heart sped up.

"You know what? I'll just wait here," she muttered.

I held back a chuckle. I knew laughing at her would not be polite. Being with me was far more dangerous than me running with her.

"What happened to all your courage?" I encouraged. "You were extraordinary this morning."

"I haven't forgotten the last time yet," she complained.

I went round to her side, opened the door, and undid the buckles.

"I'll get those, you go on ahead," her voice was weak.

I needed to do something. She wasn't going to see reason. That was obvious.

"Hmmm …" I thought about how I might be able to assist her. "It seems I'm going to have to tamper with your memory," I concluded.

I pulled her from the Jeep and set her feet on the ground.

"Tamper with my memory?"

She looked at me highly suspiciously. I could hear how my statement had made her nervous. She had no idea the power we held.

"Something like that."

I contained a smile. I placed my hands against the Jeep on either side of her head and leaned forward.

She retreated, pressing her back against the door.

All the indicators of fear were there. The smell of fear mixed with her rain-intensified scent was the most intoxicating sensation. Exactly my type of heroin. The monster was aroused. Memories of other people being trapped by me filled my brain. I remembered how, like Bella, their backs were pressed with nowhere to run. The smell of fear filled my nostrils and excited my hunting instincts. The memories of each person's unique blend of fear and scent calling me to be consumed flashed through my mind. The next images were of me sinking my razor-sharp teeth into their skin, slicing through their muscles like paper, and with great satisfaction letting their sweet warm nectar fill my mouth, slide down my throat, and seep into my body giving me strength. I could never forget the pleasure it had given me. Yet none of them compared fractionally to Bella. I leaned in bringing everything about her even closer allowing my senses to be enveloped by her.


	50. Chapter 50: You'll be the Death of Me

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.**

* * *

"Now," I breathed heavily onto Bella, "what exactly are you worrying about?"

I took a deep long measured breath in. The intoxicating mixture of her smells and scents combined with the forest and the Jeep filled my mouth and lungs. The images of my victims along with their distinctive flavours continued to flow. No one, not one compared to what was in front of me.

"Well, um, hitting a tree–"she gulped loudly"–and dying. And getting sick."

The sounds of fear that her body produced were adding to my olfactory sensations. Each body I drank had responded differently in small ways. Hearing their unique fear response combined with their exclusive flavour was part of the glory, each experience was irreplaceable and could never be replicated. That was why I had taken my time each time. I never let the monster overwhelm me. I liked being in control. I had liked savouring my meal's uniqueness.

Bella's confessed fears stood in contrast to the creature pinning her. Her fears were not due to the creature who has trapped her, that could tear out her throat, kill her, and suck her dry, but from speed. I wanted to laugh heartily, but laughing at the victim just seemed improper. I bent my head down and touched my lips to the hollow at the base of her throat.

"Are you still worried now?" I asked softly into her skin.

My lips peeled back. There was nothing more glorious. Despite my confusions, hesitations, and uncertainties I had never experienced anything as wondrous as Isabella Swan.

"Trees," she gasped. "Motion sickness."

I lifted my face up and kissed her eyelids.

I breathed onto her as I asked persuasively, "Bella, you don't really think I would hit a tree, do you?"

I took another deep long measured breath in. There was a new smell that she was adding to the mix, fresh yet subtle like dew burnt away on the leaf of a maple tree from the sun.

"No, but _I_ might," her voice breathless.

I kissed her slowly down her cheek, stopping at the corner of her mouth. She let out the smallest breath and I look it into my mouth letting its flavours linger.

Breathing on her again as I asked, "Would I let a tree hurt you?"

"No," she breathed.

More of her internal workings filled my mouth. For the first time I took them into my lungs. Her chemicals and pheromones and moisture swirled inside of me. It was even better than I imagined it would be. It was as if she had entered me. Every instinct within me cried out for more.

"You see," I breathed softly onto her as my lips moved against hers. "There's nothing to be afraid of, is there?"

"No," she sighed.

I wasn't sure if I overdid it, so I waited to catch her, just in case. I wasn't sure how I felt about using my lure against her in this way. It was for a good cause, but it also took away her choice. The memories and powerful sensations, instead of fuelling the monster, transformed and fuelled something else.

I took her face in my hands greedily and kissed her in earnest. The feel of her warm lips against mine held my full attention. It was when her whole body was pressed into mine, her arms tightly wrapped against my neck, and my arousal obvious to the point of embarrassment that some small part of my brain kicked in.

I had just used the very qualities that allowed me during my rebellious years to ease my prey into becoming my sustenance to weaken Bella's fear. Doing so had given me the same powerful feeling. Just as I had felt guilty when the blood stopped and I had to survey my meal, guilt filled me. Only this guilt was mixed with my lust. All the sensations that I had denied myself since I had return to drinking animals returned–first the glee of expectation, then the sense of power, then the after-glow satisfaction, and then the guilt. Back then each of these states, except the guilt, had in turn fuelled the monster. This time they had fuelled my desire. The monster would kill her within the few moments it took for her heart to stop; the desire would crush her bones and break her.

The monster begged me to taste her. The fire within begged me to take more of her into my lungs, more of her into my mouth, to touch her, to hold her, to make her _mine._

For that moment, the desire that had caged the monster drew from the monster's source, and then the two had merged creating a hunger more intense than I had ever felt before. I pulled away from her scared at what I might do otherwise.

"Damn it, Bella! You'll be the death of me, I swear you will," I grumbled in frustration and ire.

No wonder my cousins coupled with humans. I could see the attraction. And yet, I could never do that again. It was very very very dangerous. Like the monster, the moment I pulled back, the craving returned.

Bella leaned over and braced her hands against her knees for support.

I felt as if I needed something similar.

"You're indestructible," she mumbled breathless.

Then what was the comment about the seatbelt for? I was terribly confused. I decided I would let it go. In the end it didn't really matter. No matter what, we weren't meant to last. Instead of spending my precious time trying to reconcile the contradictory messages Bella was giving me, I would simply enjoy all of her gifts. That included being willing to watch a baseball game with my family. I thought back on her comment. I was nearly indestructible, but nothing had brought me so close to the edge as Bella had.

"I might have believed that before I met you. Now let's get out of here before I do something really stupid," I growled.

I was … what? … acting like a hormonally-driven teenage boy in a deadly dangerous body? I couldn't remember one other time in my human life or my present existence when I had been aroused like that. Nor could I remember any thought or memory from anyone I encountered being like that, although, I reminded myself, reading about something and experiencing it is not the same. I might know Carlisle's stories. I might have his memories in my head, but I did not live through them. She really was a danger magnet, drawing out of me my most dangerous parts.

Gently I picked Bella up and threw her against my back. Her warmth electrified me and, although not at powerful as the prior experience, awakened the fire within me. I was glad that she was on my back. It allowed me to focus on something else instead of her pulse, scent, smells, skin, and beautiful trusting face. I had been on the verge of doing something I would have regretted for all eternity.

"Don't forget to close your eyes," I warned her harshly before darting away.

I needed to run, to clear my head, and to distract my body. I ran faster than I had previously with Bella attempting to have an outlet for use all the extra energy I felt in my body. I still paid special attention to my acceleration and deceleration, though. Running did bring me mental calmness that I appreciated. Unfortunately, it didn't dispel my desire completely. Fortunately, I was calmer by the time we got a little ways from the clearing and stopped.

Luckily all of my family's thoughts were on preparations for the upcoming game. I was grateful that we had been far enough away that they had not been privy to my idiocy.

I reached back and touched her hair.

"It's over, Bella," I told her soothingly.

She unlocked her hold on me. She was slipping down my body. I expected her to put out her legs and stand up. Instead I heard her land on the ground on her backside.

"Oh!" she huffed as she landed.

I turned around and stared at her. I couldn't even imagine how a person didn't land on their feet. She looked bewildered and I laughed whole-heartedly. I laughed at her there on the ground. I laughed at how she was more afraid of trees than me. I laughed at myself and how much of me I hadn't known existed until she uncovered it. Mostly I laughed at the amazing incredible ridiculousness of the moment.

My family's thoughts began to wonder what I was laughing at. Emmett was considering coming to find us in order to see what the fuss was about.

She stood up irritated at my laughter. She brushed the mud and bracken off the back of her jacket, which induced another fits of laughter from me. She started striding into the forest.

I grabbed her waist. "Where are you going, Bella?"

She was obviously upset, but I couldn't have her getting lost.

"To watch a baseball game. You don't seem to be interested in playing anymore, but I'm sure the others will have fun without you." Her sarcasm was biting. She was certainly upset.

 _Edward, don't laugh at a woman. They never take it well,_ Carlisle reminded me with mirth in his tone.

 _Edward, were you laughing at her?_ Esme asked gently yet with a scolding tone.

 _Will you stop playing with your human and come play ball with us?_ Rosalie's tone was irritated and impatient.

 _Seriously, bro, you laughed at your girl? Have I taught you nothing?_ Emmett was laughing as much internally as I was externally.

 _Seriously Edward! Stop being such an idiot!_ Alice's admonishment was nearly jovial.

 _Embarrassment bordering on mortification. Honestly, Edward, what did you do to the poor human?_ Jasper's tone seemed playful.

I tuned them all down so that I could focus on Bella. I breathed in deeply taking in her scent the burn reminding me of my need to keep her safe.

Why did so many of our conversations go like this? I felt like such an oaf. Would I ever stop offending her any more than my body would stop trying to kill her?

She turned around and stalked off in the opposite direction. I caught her again. I didn't want to go to the game without explaining, even if our family could hear.

"Don't be mad, I couldn't help myself. You should have seen your face." I chuckled again, but saw that wasn't helping and stopped.

Neither Rosalie, nor Alice actually, liked being made fun of how they looked. It was probably a girl thing. I really was an idiot.

"Oh, you're the only one who's allowed to get mad?" She raised her eyebrows and scowled.

I know she didn't like double standards, but I wasn't trying to create one. I wasn't trying to tell her that she couldn't be mad. I was telling her she had no reason to be mad. Ugh!

I softened my tone and spoke earnestly. "I wasn't mad at you."

"'Bella, you'll be the death of me'?" she quoted back to me her face downcast.

What did that face mean? She was comparing my statement with her being mad? That made no sense.

Rosalie was purposefully focusing on the upcoming game.

Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle, and Esme were puzzling over what I could have meant by my statement.

 _Do you know nothing about women, Edward?_ Alice asked.

I turned down their voices down once again. I thought about using Bella's presence to block them out, but as irritating as their mental invasion was, I wanted to give them the opportunity to speak to me if needed. That strategy had worked well earlier at the house.

" _That_ was simply a statement of fact," I tried to explain.

If I had harmed her, I could have never forgiven myself. To kill this most precious of gifts would end me. I would rather die than have to face that. So easily the power I had felt of having her pinned against the Jeep came to mind. I pushed it away. She pulled me in. Everything about her begged me to end her if not by biting her then by crushing her. Yet, I didn't, not even minutes before when the desire to do so had been so strong. I could not allow that desire to become reality. I had sworn that I wouldn't hurt her. Did my words in the meadow mean nothing to her? I wouldn't cross that line. I had been so close to the line moments before only because I hadn't been prepared for how using my lure on her would affect me. I couldn't understand how after everything she might still doubt me.

She tried to escape my grasp, but I held onto her.

I couldn't bear to have her walk into the field like this.

"You were mad," she challenged.

I took a deep breath. She always saw right through me. "Yes."

"But you just said–"

"That I wasn't mad at _you_. Can't you see that, Bella? Don't you understand?"

She looked confused. "See what?"

Obviously not.

Just like her believing that she cared more for me than I did for her. Clearly, she didn't see the impact she had on me.

"I'm never angry with you–how could I be? Brave, trusting … warm as you are?" My tone was pleading and gentle.

This tone never existed before you Bella. Can you not see how much you have transformed me?

I was glad I had toned down my family. I could just imagine Jasper's and Emmett's mirth at my expense in turning soft.

"Then why?" She was whispering now.

I wondered if she realized that my family could hear our conversation. Did she whisper to give me/us more privacy or was it something else?

I cusped her face with my hands, and spoke softly but honestly. "I infuriate myself. The way I can't seem to keep from putting you in danger. My very existence puts you at risk. Sometimes I truly hate myself. I should be stronger, I should be able to–"

Almost simultaneously Carlisle, Esme, and Alice mentally yelled at me for being unduly hard on myself.

A fraction of a second later Bella put her hand over my mouth. "Don't."

Not only did she refuse to say no, she was refusing to hear me say no. With the combined force of my family, I got the message. No one wanted to hear what I danger I was to Bella. Got it. I made sure to tone them back down.

I took her hand and moved it so that it touched my cheek. I was honouring her yes, and I would honour this request as well. Didn't change the truth, but I was trying to let her lead.

"I love you. It's a poor excuse for what I'm doing, but it's still true." I smiled slightly seeing that her anger was gone.

Love should be self-sacrificing not self-pleasing. Love should put the other's needs before your own. This was what both of my sets of parents had taught me. I wanted this to be the kind of love that I gave Bella. It was the kind of love she deserved, but I didn't know how to do that. I only knew how to protect her because she was critical to my well-being. In doing so I was as much protecting myself as I was her. I only knew to honour her yes because Carlisle and Esme as well as my siblings had pointed out my need to do so. I had changed, but not enough to give her the life she deserved. Until then I would have to depend on my three new foundations:her remaining alive and human, that I could trust her to keep my secrets, and that I loved her keeping her safe from my monster.

"Now please try to behave yourself," I teased.

I bent down and gently touched her lips to mine.

She held still, and then sighed.

I hoped her sigh acknowledged that she heard me.

"You promised Chief Swan that you would have me home early, remember? We'd better get going."

Her teasing told me that I had been forgiven. Being in a relationship with Bella was such a balancing act. I was constantly afraid of getting it wrong. I was grateful that she forgave easily. It was certainly one of her best qualities. I would, however, make sure I didn't take advantage of it.

"Yes, ma'am," I teased back.

Chief Swan indeed.

I smiled slightly and let go grabbing onto her hand instead. We walked a few feet into the clearing. Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie where a little over a hundred yards away on a boulder. Jasper and Alice were throwing the ball back and forth on the field, and Carlisle was still marking bases. I was glad we hadn't arrived too late.

Rosalie was upset that I had brought Bella, but wanted to enjoy the game, so walked off towards the field.

Emmett watched her walk away debating to follow her or greet us. After a few agonizing moments he decided that Rosalie would be okay and came over to us.

Esme was already on her way. Both of them travelled at a quick human pace.

 _Don't you ever let me hear you talk about yourself that way again. I know what a struggle this life can be, but you are thoughtful and generous, you carry the secrets of us all and don't interfere unless necessary. You've always tried to make us happier, and are respectful of our needs as individuals as well as mates. And even in your rebellion you attempted to be honourable and do good. I don't know how you and Bella will make it work, but love will find a way. Please, my beautiful and caring son, don't see yourself so deploringly. You aren't a murderer anymore. You've put that behind you._ Then Esme's mind was full of images of Bella and me or Bella and the family.

"Was that you we heard, Edward?" Esme asked once she knew she was in Bella's hearing range. I reflected on how considerate Esme was being of Bella and of me. I wondered if Esme's words were true. Did she see me more clearly than I saw myself?

"It sounded like a bear choking," Emmett added jokingly.

Bella smiled and looked at Esme.

"That was him."

I was glad to see her previous discomfort was now allowing her to bond with Esme, even if it was at my expense.

"Bella was being unintentionally funny," I explained.

I didn't need a scolding from Esme in front of Bella. I hoped this clarified things.

 _Really, Edward. You should know better.  
_

I looked at Esme. Her eyes were filled with deep love and care.

Right then Alice sprinted towards us stopping within a few feet. At least she didn't hug Bella again.

Instead she announced, "It's time."

The instant she spoke the thunder began building its strength and let out a deep rumble.

"Eerie, isn't it?" Emmett said casually and then winked at Bella.

"Let's go." Alice reached for Emmett's hand and they ran to the field.

It was thoughtful and kind of them to speak at a human pace for Bella's sake. I felt appreciative to my family in a way that I never had before. They each in their own way, except Rosalie, were attempting to help me relate to Bella better and were making Bella feel welcomed. She might be human and she wouldn't be with us forever, but that wasn't stopping any of them from enjoying the moment. I needed to do the same.

I turned and looked at Bella allowing myself to fully enjoy having her here with me. This amazing creature wanted to be outside and watch sports with my family and me. I was grateful.

"Are you ready for some ball?" I asked her playfully.

I was excited. We didn't get to play ball as often as we liked. As much as the Olympic Peninsula was cloudy, it didn't thunder much.

Bella looked at me and said, "Go team!" with faux enthusiasm.

That was okay. She might change her mind once she saw us play. Either way I wanted to enjoy the simple pleasure of having her there with me. For the first time ever, I wasn't the odd man out. I casually ran towards the field excited and energized.

"Shall we go down?" I heard Esme ask Bella.

I felt that same pleasure I had at the house in having her know me, and by extension, my family better. It made me happy.

Jasper looked at me studying my emotion. _Happy?_ He seemed to be checking again, like he wasn't sure of himself. _It's good to feel from you_ , he thought to me. I nodded in his direction.

Alice, Carlisle, and I took the field first, while Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper were up to hit. Esme would referee.

I gave our team's warm-up most of my attention, although warming up was unnecessary. Really we were all keeping busy as we waited for Esme to arrive at an irritatingly human speed.

When I got over to the field Carlisle looked at me imploringly. _Do we need to talk more about this?_

I shook my head slightly no.

 _Son, you have to find a way to forgive yourself. Do you remember our conversation about deserving love?_

I nodded and then threw him a ball.

 _You love her. You are strong. She is alive despite how her blood calls you. That is a testament to your strength. This is enough. Let it be enough, Edward. Simply, enjoy what she is giving you. We will help keep you from harming her if you need our assistance._

"You going to keep up this time, old man," I added teasingly hoping that he knew I didn't want to talk about this anymore.

"Keeps you sharp whippersnapper."

 _Fine, but Edward, we'll talk about this later._

Then he threw the ball to Alice.

Jasper and Rosalie were both considering strategies while Emmett was telling himself what an easy win this would be. Emmett figured that I would be too distracted with Bella and our team would lose its edge. He had forgotten how much I disliked losing.

At the same time I heard Esme explaining to Bella about why she refereed, to keep us honest as she put it, and explained why she mothered us. "I never could get over my mothering instincts–did Edward tell you I had lost a child?"

"No," Bella replied quietly.

I was a little insulted that Esme even considered that I would tell Bella that. I had promised my family, after all. Apart from that, it was just rude.

"Yes, my first and only baby. He died just a few days after he was born. It broke my heart–that's why I jumped off the cliff you know."

This was always the hardest part of being a telepath. As Esme spoke she naturally pulled up into her conscious this memory. In many ways her memory became mine. Fortunately I knew this memory well, so it wasn't as difficult as it was when she was a new member of our house.

Carlisle was deciding if he needed to comfort his wife.

My siblings attempted to think about the game and ignore Esme's words. Her story was hard on us all. We each knew this part of Esme's story, but we all loved her and disliked the pain that was present while she told it.

"Edward just said you f-fell," Bella stammered in shock it seemed.

"Always the gentleman."

So she hadn't doubted me. She was probably just making polite conversation. It was fun, in a way, hearing her speak slow enough for a human to hear. I often didn't get to experience that.

"Edward was the first of my new sons. I've always thought of him that way, even though he's older than I, in one way at least. That's why I'm so happy that he's found you, dear. He's been the odd man out for far too long; it's hurt me to see him alone."

Alice, Carlisle, and I continued to throw the ball around between us. Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett were doing the same.

This last statement surprised me. I knew her thoughts of wishing me to find someone, but I had no idea that it had being difficult, or even hurt her to see me be the only single in a house of pairs. She really was a remarkable woman. I was honoured to have her as my surrogate mother.

"You don't mind, then? That I'm … all wrong for him?" Bella asked tentatively.

She thought that she was wrong for me? Because she was human? Or was she speaking that way out of a presumed deference to Esme? I couldn't be sure, but the idea that she believed herself wrong for me, yet was here anyway, sent a chilling sensation down my spine that I had never experienced before.

Esme thought about how to answer kindly without giving away her expectation that eventually Bella would become like us. She wasn't wishing it on Bella, she just didn't see another way, and for her, my happiness trumped everything. It was sweet; I couldn't disagree more vehemently.

"No. You're what he wants. It will work out, somehow," she finally said.

I was grateful for her discretion. Much better than Alice on the one extreme and Rosalie on the other.

"All right," Esme declared at a human pace, for Bella's sake, no doubt. "Batter up."

At least we weren't going to play at a human pace.

Alice threw the first pitch.

Emmett didn't swing at it.

I enjoyed watching Alice's style. She stood motionless until she was ready to throw. Then without preamble her right hand would flick out. She worked at not using her gift to see what would happen.

"Was that a strike?" Bella whispered to Esme.

"If they don't hit it, it's a strike," Esme explained.

Emmett hit the next ball and I ran after it.

"Home run," I distantly heard Bella state quietly.

I smiled. This wasn't human baseball.

"Wait," Esme warned.

I caught the ball and bounded back to the field. It was joyous to show Bella this part of myself rather than the façade.

"Out!" Esme asserted.

 _Next time, Edward, I'm going to hit it further than you can run._

"That's alright, babe, I'll make it up for you," Rosalie promised Emmett seductively bringing Emmett back into a good mood.

"Emmett hits the hardest, but Edward runs the fastest," Esme explained in somewhat softer tones to Bella.

Our game continued, each of us using our skills to aid our teams. I was in the outfield since I ran the fastest. Carlisle was in the infield since he played smart and knew if they would try and steal a base. Alice was a great pitcher. Rosalie was smart and cunning in her choices. Jasper was precise and methodical. Emmett kept up the taunts and jokes while attempting to get the ball in a place neither Carlisle or I would catch. We had agreed ages ago that in baseball us gifted ones would try and not use our gifts. When it was our time to bat I tried as much as possible to tune out the pitcher. Usually Rosalie pitched to me since she was skilled at keeping me out of her head. This time was no different except she added her human-lover insults. Emmett was in infield and Jasper was in the outfield since he was the fastest of them.

At one point when we were on the field again Carlisle grabbed a ball that Jasper had grounded and sprinted to first base to get him out. They collided. In my periphery vision I saw Bella jump up concern written all over her face. The fact that she was concerned for them was sweet and endearing. I wondered how long it would take her to accept the fact that we couldn't easily get hurt. And we would never hurt one another. Nevertheless, her reaction caused me to feel more bonded with her. As she bonded with my family I loved her more and was more loathed at the thought of her eventual leaving. If I was ever to have the strength to let her go, I needed to keep her away from them. Her care for them and they for her would only make it harder when the inevitable happens.

"Safe," Esme called, which seemed to ease Bella.

The next time that my team had gotten three outs and we went up to bat I bounded over to Bella.

"What do you think?" I asked her.

The wonder and awe on her face was magnificent to behold. For the smallest of seconds I could see Alice's image of Bella with while skin and red eyes delight obvious in her features. That was what I saw on Bella's face: delight.

"One thing's for sure, I'll never be able to sit through dull old Major League Baseball again," she remarked jovially.

I remembered Charlie's reaction to my invitation.

"And it sounds like you did so much of that before." I laughed.

I was glad she was enjoying herself.

"I'm a little disappointed," she teased.

I tried to figure out what might have disappointed her. I hadn't seen her disappointed at any point.

Carlisle's, Esme's, Alice's, and Emmett's inner voices quieted waiting to hear Bella's answer.

"Why?" I was confused again.

I was still trying to think of something that would disappoint her from the game. I was as confused as they were.

"Well, it would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn't do better than everyone else on the planet."

It was like Carlisle's and Esme's inner voices glowed.

 _Fan club, seriously? As if you weren't already enough of a pain to live with. You two need to get a room._ Emmett's teasing irritated me, which I supposed was his point.

 _I'm glad she came, Edward. Hopefully she'll feel more comfortable with us at school tomorrow._ Alice stilled briefly and checked. Sure enough Bella was sitting at the Cullen table talking with us.

I smiled at Bella. Even though I knew she was seeing my nature at work at it was nothing to marvel at, I had to admit that her words pleased me. If nothing else, she was enjoying watching me play. It was a new and wonderful gift.

"I'm up."

I headed for the plate. These types of games were, in Emmett's opinion, the best part of being a vampire other than Rosalie.

I hit the ball low and got to second base. Carlisle hit it far enough that he and I were able to get to home base.

The game continued and even Rosalie forgot Bella was there.

"Come old man, you can do better than that," Rosalie jeered at Carlisle.

"I thought you knew how to pitch fortune-teller. Can't you tell how to beat me?" she razzed Alice.

"Come on slow poke. I thought you were faster than me. You haven't gotten off first base," she said attempting to goat me.

It was great to hear Rosalie be her usual self and let her anger drop for a while.

Emmett's comments weren't much better. He especially tried to get me to mess up by using my telepathy against me.

Carlisle chuckled at our antics.

Esme scolded us in our quick murmur when we took it too far.

Apart from Bella heartbeat as a constant reminder and Esme making her calls so Bella could hear it was almost how things were pre-Bella.

Carlisle was up at bat in the seventh inning when a vision filled Alice's and my minds. Alice gasped in the midst of the vision, and I automatically turned to look at her. We stared at one another briefly. I was at Bella's side immediately.

 _I'm_ so _sorry Edward. You know I love her. I would have never …_

"Alice?" Esme asked tersely at a human pace.

 _What is it?_

 _What did she see?_

 _Great! Now the human is going to ruin something else._

 _It'll be fine. We can protect our own._

 _Fear? Regret? The visitors must have changed course._ Then Jasper's mind started going through strategies.

"I didn't see–I couldn't tell," Alice muttered guilt coating the words also at a human pace.

Everyone came in, Jasper rushing to Alice's side, while Emmett and Rosalie were in tandem. This was not the first time Alice had seen something we hadn't expected. We have lived together for decades now. It bred familiarity. We would act together.

"What is it, Alice?" Carlisle asked gently but firmly matching Alice's and Esme's pace. His tone made it clear that we were including Bella in the conversation.

Some of the senior Black's descriptions of what we were capable of came to mind. I began to feel despondent. Certainly this would be the end of my time with Bella. After seeing these visitors and our nature at work in order to protect our own she would send me away for sure. Two glorious days. Greedily I wanted more.

Jasper gave me a warning look.

I pushed the thought of Bella sending me away into the background and focused on making sure Bella stayed safe.

Everyone stilled waiting for Alice's answer, while I tried to think a way out of what she had seen.

Carlisle looked at Alice authoritatively.

She knew she needed to collect herself.

"They were travelling much quicker than I thought. I can see I had the perspective wrong before," she said quietly pleading for forgiveness with her eyes.

Jasper leaned over her, as if a shield, keeping his eyes on me, tasting the atmosphere, and then releasing calm.

"What changed?" Carlisle asked her maintaining his human pace as if the conversation wasn't urgent.

It helped calm my nerves. If Carlisle wasn't pressured, it would be all right. He wouldn't let them harm Bella. He valued human life.

Alice was a little more composed now. Jasper had brought her out of her vision world and into reality, but her remorse remained.

"They heard us playing, and it changed their path," Alice explained keeping Carlisle's pace.

 _Great!_ Rosalie internally roared.

 _Bring it!_ Emmett challenged.

Then everyone began mentally considering what this would mean to us. We had come across visitors before and many of our previous encounters flittered through their minds. After a few seconds everyone came to the same conclusion, looked at Bella, and then away. We could easily protect our own, but to also protect a human made things more difficult.

"How soon?" Carlisle turned towards me running through all the options he could devise.

"Less than five minutes. They're running–they want to play." I answered at a pace that Bella could understand while Jasper whispered into Alice's ear.

I was trying to think it through, while listening to Carlisle's and Jasper's internal strategies, instead of running off with her as I desperately wanted to do.

"Can you make it?" Carlisle asked me while quickly glancing at Bella.

I had already calculated that possibility. If there had been a chance I would have already been gone.

"No, not carrying–" a thought from Jasper caught my attention. "Besides, the last thing we need is for them to catch the scent and start hunting."

Jasper's greatest concern became mine.

"How many?" Emmett asked Alice.

"Three," she answered tersely.

The number mentally tensed the family. Usually there were one or two. Three was rare. Then, almost together, they each reminded themselves that there were seven of us, not to mention with our gifts and skills.

"Three!" Emmett scoffed. "Let them come."

He flexed his muscles and mentally prepared for a fight imagining himself being able to destroy them all himself. This was Emmett's way of relaxing us. It worked. Everyone mentally agreed. There were enough of us.

We all, except Emmett, watched Carlisle deliberate.

Carlisle's mental reasoning demonstrated his strengths as a leader. Even mentally he remained calm and collected, while he looked at all possibilities and remained hopeful for the best outcome. Not to mention that he has a knack of picking the least violent outcomes. He hoped to hide Bella's nature, but he also considered the possible outcomes if that proved impossible. The one scenario he spent the most mental energy on was how to keep Bella off the Volturi's radar. He considered options that would have never occurred to me. I could never be his equal in this way.

For the first time my thoughts were not on retribution and the chance to prove something. This was neither the Edward who wanted to rush into a war to prove himself a man nor the Edward that relented reluctantly to Carlisle's suggestion regarding the scum of Port Angeles. The foundation of who I was had changed, and one of my fundamental elements was at risk–keep Bella safely human. Everything I heard from everyone's mind and I thought myself was accepted or discarded based on keeping that reality true. I knew I could trust Carlisle to do the same.

"Let's just continue the game. Alice said they were simply curious."

His calm demeanour and even temperament brought a measure of calm to us all.

Esme leaned towards me and in the fastest quietest murmur possible asked me, "Are they thirsty?"

I shook my head no.

 _We'll keep Bella safe, Edward. I hope that she doesn't think ill of us after this. I could understand if she did, though. I wonder if Carlisle's interactions with his own kind were what, in part, kept him away from me?_ She mentally pictured Carlisle attempting to protect her young human self from a nomad. _He wouldn't have had such a large group to help protect me. Not all of our kind are civilized. Let's just hope these ones are reasonable._

I appreciated Esme's thoughts. They reassured me while simultaneously reminded me of my shortcomings. Carlisle had been able to walk away from human Esme for her well-being. To keep her from exact possibilities as the one we now faced. Even if there were seven of us, didn't mean I should have put Bella at risk. I should have been strong enough to walk away from her like he had. Once again I had failed to meet the standards in which Carlisle had set.

"You catch, Esme. I'll call it now."

This relieved us both. Esme was no longer the primary defender and it allowed me to protect Bella.

Everyone returned to his or her positions, but closer in. Alice and Esme moved their bodies to flank me.

"Take your hair down," I ordered Bella in a low tone.

Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle, and Rosalie were each mentally focused on the best way to defend our family if things became physical.

Bella immediately slid the rubber band out of her hair and shook it out.

"The others are coming now," Bella stated with trepidation.

I wished that I had some way to soothe her. All I had was the truth.

"Yes, stay very still, keep quiet, and don't move from my side, please," I asked calmly.

The last thing we needed was for Bella to become upset. I put all my focus on exuding confidence and calmness like Carlisle would have done. I could do this for Bella's sake. I looked over at Jasper who after a second looked at me. I moved my eyes to Bella. He nodded his head slightly. I could feel his faux calmness sweeping over Bella. Adrenaline, especially, would be something we didn't want. I pulled her long hair forward and around her face hiding her arteries. I knew it was likely a useless gesture, but I needed to do something. Now we just needed the wind to not blow and we might be okay.

"That won't help. I could smell her across the field," Alice added contritely.

"I know," I answered gently.

I tired to hide my frustration. It wasn't Alice's fault. I had seen her visions. There was no way we could have known. I was the one that asked for Bella to come. At the end of the day it was my fault. Rosalie had been right. This was my doing.

Carlisle went back to the plate. We played but our hearts weren't in it.

After a scornful look from Jasper I knew I needed to put aside my self-flagellation and focus on how to get us all out of this situation safely. Jasper was right. Being upset with myself wasn't going to keep Bella safe. What I needed to do was remove Bella safely from this situation and then find the strength to leave. Resolved I focused on constantly scanned my family's thoughts and the forest waiting for the thoughts that would prelude our visitor's arrival.

"What did Esme ask you?" Bella whispered after a short while. Esme and Alice froze waiting to hear what I would say. Given Bella's inclination to attract danger and my desire to keep her safe, the truth seemed like the best option. However, I was still reluctant. "Whether they were thirsty," I admitted after a few moments.

Rosalie's thoughts were swinging between fury at Alice and I to terror of what she would do if something happened to Emmett.

Jasper was mentally strategizing including when and how his gift might be useful. Fortunately he had already calculated the need to keep Bella calm. He was working on the dosage. He didn't want her sedated, but we needed her to produce no fear responses.

Emmett was picturing how they might attack and what moves he would use to counter them.

Esme was worried about us all including Bella.

Alice was searching the future, which was way too blurry to be helpful at the moment as the incoming visitors hadn't decided anything other than to come.

And Carlisle was mentally weighing how far he was willing to go to protect his family, which, like Esme, included Bella.

My selfishness had caused this situation. I felt compelled to say something before they arrived both for her sake and my family's.

"I'm sorry, Bella. It was stupid, irresponsible, to expose you like this. I'm so sorry." I am sorry for not being strong enough to keep you from my world. I will find a way to be strong enough I promised her silently.

 _I'm sorry too, Edward._ The sorrow in Alice's thoughts was palpable.

 _It'll be okay, Edward. We'll keep her safe._ Esme's thoughts were fierce.

 _Don't worry, son, there are enough of us. No harm will come to her._

Rosalie's thoughts shifted slightly acknowledging her willingness to do anything to keep our family safe, even if that meant defending the human.

I held my breath as the visitor's thoughts came into range. Alice and Esme followed suit.

 _We haven't met any others in a while. I wonder why their scents were all over the_ _park._ The tenor of the thoughts conveyed the curiosity Alice's vision had painted.

 _I hope they can provide us with a little entertainment. I haven't had any real fun in decades.  
_

I tuned especially into this inner voice unsure of what this thought conveyed regarding potential risk.

 _I don't … not sure … too many scents … not safe … stay with James._

The disjointed nature of the thoughts was rare for a vampire. I would know more when I heard them speak. So, I waited with the rest of my family certain that I would do everything in my power to make sure we all walked away the way we came.

Only a few seconds later the sound of three vampires running could be heard.

Carlisle and Emmett turned in their direction at the same time with Jasper, Esme, and Rosalie close behind.

Then shortly after they came at us from right field.

Alice kept focused on the future and I on their thoughts.


	51. Chapter 51: Meeting The Curious Visitors

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. The dialogue that comes from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun remains hers.**

 **TRIGGER WARNING: James is not a good guy and his thoughts could be disturbing to some. Nothing graphic is described, but hints and suggestions of disturbing activities abound.  
**

* * *

The first male that emerged reduced his speed allowing a second male to take the lead. Did that mean that the lead male wasn't the leader of the group? Was he perhaps instead the designated spokesperson? Where did the female fit in? These were the questions that guided me as I used Bella as my anchor to push my family's thoughts into the background and pull from the three coming towards us. I first focused on the male in front putting aside the others temporarily in case he was the leader.

 _They are impeccably dressed. I haven't seen a coven so well attired in centuries. There certainly are a lot of them. They must have a permanent location. How would they manage to stay together? I wonder if this is their territory. I hope James doesn't do anything stupid. It would be just like him to pick a fight. Claiming territory would explain why their scents were all over the forest. It would warn off more timid groups. How does the leader maintain control over so many? I wonder if the Volturi are larger. Probably. I've never come across a coven so large before._ _Perhaps they are the second largest coven._ _They seem friendly enough. Baseball? They were playing baseball? They must be American. I wonder if they modified the equipment in order to play. Perhaps they would allow some new players. I've never tried playing a human sport. Perhaps it could be entertaining. Sure would beat some of the games James has liked to play._ Images of a plethora of bloody defiled women with the other male, James he had named him, proudly and menacingly surveying his handiwork flashed quickly through his mind. I didn't take the time to count how many.

Less than a second had gone by when I concluded that his thoughts were curious and a little weary. His internal tone was of someone from the Caribbean area in the 1700s, although I couldn't be certain. His concern about how James might react to us didn't bode well for peaceful relations.

I wondered which male the female was attached to or perhaps they were three singles.

Some images of past encounters with other vampires came into the spoke person's mind, but the images weren't grouped in a way that was helpful to discern whether they had defended themselves or had provoked the fights.

The female's thoughts continued to be incredibly jumbled. _Too many … we should leave … James likes a challenge … baseball? … too many … dangerous … need to go now … seven verses three … not good odds …_ She was constantly on edge, vigilant, ready to flee at any moment. There was a rare blimp of a memory that included the blond male. I set aside her thoughts.

I next focused my entire attention on the second male. By this time they had slowed and were closing ranks. His thoughts had a cadence of being northern European perhaps even older than Carlisle.

 _Eight, possibly four pairs, well-dressed probably an old coven with a nearby location claiming territory._

His mind reminded me some of Jasper–strategic, calculating, and evaluating all possibilities in a military style. Unlike Jasper's it was cold and menacing. Our numbers did not intimidate him. In fact, he saw it as a challenge of sorts. In his memory swam other covens he had gone up against, and the deadly games he had played with them. It seemed like his memories were all contorted into a cat and mouse game with him always as the cat. And he never lost.

No matter their motives neither of the males were young. They were experienced, in nothing else, in staying alive. That would either be in our favour or disadvantage depending on their intensions. So far Alice has been right. Their thoughts were predominately of curiosity.

When Carlisle stepped forward with Emmett on one side and Jasper on the other the nomad in front, then the others straightened up. Carlisle's countenance put almost everyone at ease, and Jasper was sending out waves of serenity on a low dose towards them. Him doing so minusculely increased the quantity he was sending Bella. I doubted he could help that. From the corner of my eye the increase didn't seem to be having too poor of an effect on her.

They stopped two yards from Carlisle. The front male stepped forward.

"We thought we heard a game. I'm Laurent, these are Victoria and James."

I continued focusing on James. He was neither intimidated nor calm. I wondered if Jasper's gift was having any effect on him.

 _Laurent was right to be curious. What an odd coven. Largest I've ever met. Could be fun. I haven't had real fun, something to really savour, for too many years now. Everything is too easy. Were they seriously playing a human sport? What for? Entertainment? I suppose that's one way to pass the time. Is the one in front the leader or is he merely a pretence to disguise the true leader–the one with scars? From the southern wars I'd bet. Haven't met anyone before that had survived so many battles. With so much experience he must be the coven's leader. I bet he could present a challenge. The one on the left is the muscle, but easily beat tactically. The one in the back is probably the weakest fighter left to protect the women._

"I'm Carlisle. This is my family, Emmett and Jasper, Rosalie, Esme and Alice, Edward and Bella."

James looked at Alice. His expression didn't change at all, but a memory of Alice human surfaced along with it _Interesting_. Then it was gone and he was back to his calculations of us.

I reviewed his brief memory trying to understand what it might mean.

Alice didn't have any of memories of James that I knew of. She hadn't recognised him when he had shown up in her vision. She would have said something if she had known him. I wondered if she would recognise his scent; if he'd come across her years ago without her knowledge. She didn't remember her human years after all.

"Do you have room for a few more players?" Laurent asked genuinely but with some reservation. _Eight. We would be easy to take apart if we were spread out. They haven't appeared hostile at all though. I wonder why their eyes aren't red. That's curious. Are they not vampires? They look like they are and their scents smelled like vampires. What other possibilities could there be? Why are they all in similar attire? He said family. Could they really be attempting to emulate a human family? How odd. Why would vampires want to pretend to be human? Their clothes certainly aren't like any vampire covens I've come across either. Does this make them more dangerous or less?_

 _If he thinks he'll get Victoria and me to play a human sport he's got something else coming. I was looking for real entertainment._

 _No … can't stay … won't play … not safe …_

"Actually, we were just finishing up," Carlisle stated diplomatically. "But we'd certainly be interested another time. Are you planning to stay in the area for long?" Carlisle asked kindly but with authority of speaking on behalf of us all.

 _Why does the leader allow this one to speak on their behalf? Perhaps he is skilled with words like Laurent,_ James pondered.

"We're heading north, in fact, but we were curious to see who was in the neighbourhood. We haven't run into any company in a long time."

I decided to focus again on James leaving the other two in the background.

 _They could prove to be an interesting challenge. The one with the scars has to be the leader. The front guy is too soft to lead such a large coven. Him standing back probably allows him to calculate things. With all those battles won he's probably a decent strategist. That would certainly be a challenge I've never encountered. I bet that black-haired beauty is slippery. If she's with the leader … that might turn into something interesting. Could make things fun. The blond chick probably is decent in a fight for a female. She looks feisty. The other blond female looks easy to take, the brown haired female too. The other male looks young. I bet the leader has taught them some fighting. That could really make things interesting. Years worth of interesting in fact._

"No, this region is usually empty except for us and the occasional visitor, like yourselves," Carlisle explained.

 _Laurent always wants to talk. Always so curious. Maybe we should ditch him. He's not a great resource anyway. Well, there was those couple of times,_ and memories flooded through of Laurent being charming and James using Laurent's charm to kill the other vampire and take their kill or territory.

I doubted James wanted territory. He seemed to like new challenges and staying in one place wouldn't match that. The memories from neither Laurent nor James gave me a contextual reference in which to aid me.

James' thoughts were growing restless. They were speeding up and jumping from tangential thought to tangential thought. His previous memories led him to think about human women after human woman he had lured with sweet promises the more bitchy and hardnosed the better. He seemed to have taken a special liking to biker chicks. The more they said no, the longer it took him to get a yes the more he seemed to enjoy it. After he would lure them away from their crews or friends he would savour the moment when they became afraid. He had done unspeakable things to increase their adrenaline and fear responses until their flavour was too difficult for him to resist. In not one of these memories did I see Victoria or Laurent. Then there was a flash of a female vampire that he had cornered, torn off her arms, and had his way with her while she screamed and tried to bite him. All the while he replayed these images, a part of his mind was scanning our women and our numbers calculating weaknesses. _If I allow them to get comfortable with Laurent, lull them into a sense of easiness, let them put their guard down, maybe … nah … not thrilling enough … time to move on._

His mental images triggered within me a response as if I were the hunter again and he were a scum. At the exact same instant my body went to move, Bella's heat and unique sounds stopped me. If I became the hunter and took down this scum like he deserved what might be the cost? Like in Port Angeles I couldn't be the hunter anymore, I needed to be a protector, and she mattered more than carrying out my form of justice.

"What's your hunting range?" Laurent asked casually seemingly more comfortable with Carlisle.

Carlisle had an incredible capacity to make almost anyone calmer and gentler.

"The Olympic Range here, up and down the Coast Ranges on occasion. We keep a permanent residence nearby. There's another permanent settlement like ours up near Denali."

"Permanent?" he asked checking his assumption. "How do you manage that?" he inquired curiosity getting the best of him.

James on the other hand was appalled. _I figured, but how do they manage that in this area? It's fairly close to humans. What is wrong with these yellow-eyed freaks? Maybe they're a weaker more docile form of vampire. No wonder they would need such larger numbers to compensate. How do they manage?_

"Why don't you come back to our home with us and we can talk comfortable? It's a rather long story."

I appreciated that Carlisle had been steering the conversation to get Bella to safety. Nomads often dismissed Carlisle strategically, but there was something almost gifted about how disarmed others and created opportunities in the conversation for his agenda.

 _Seriously they have a "home"? What are they pretending to be human now? They really have lost their touch. Whatever their game is, I'm not interested. I don't want to have anything to do with these yellow-belly human want-to-bes with their "family" and "home" and human sports. Disgusting. They are a disgrace._

 _Home? … Walls? … Doors? … No. Not good. … Trapped._

James and Victoria exchanged a look between them.

"That sounds very interesting, and welcome." Laurence smiled warmly. He imagined being able to wash up. "We've been on the hunt all the way down from Ontario, and we haven't had the chance to clean in a while." He surveyed Carlisle's, Emmett's and Jasper's appearance.

 _I knew he was a namby-pamby like them. This is why he asked to join us because he's weak. He wouldn't have survived these past decades without us._

 _No. Not home. … James won't go … we'll be safe_

"Please don't take offense, but we'd appreciate it if you'd refrain from hunting in this immediate area. We have to stay inconspicuous, you understand."

Stories of the Volturi came to all three visitor's minds. Yes, they understood the need to be inconspicuous. They wouldn't have lasted all these years otherwise.

"Of course." Laurent nodded. "We certainly won't encroach on your territory. We just ate outside of Seattle, anyway." He laughed at the memory in which James took the lead.

 _We all know to keep clear of Volturi interference, but how would they ever enforce such a thing? How big of an area do they claim as theirs? Do they just inform those that pass through of their expectations and presume that their numbers will keep others in line? I wonder what would happen if we didn't follow their request. How would they trace the shells back to us? Would they hunt us down? I wonder if any of them are decent in tracking._ His mind began to devise fun games he could play to bate us into playing whichever one he chose.

I had been around others that hunted humans, so what was it about James that irritated me? Then it came to me: his thought processes were similar to mine when I had been the hunter. He chose his prey carefully. Where I had chosen human scum he chose based on what would make the game most difficult, therefore fun. It has seemed for a moment that he had lost interest in us. What had changed it? Could it really simply be that he saw us as weaker because we chose to maintain as much of our humanity as possible? Certainly others in the past perceived us as weaker, but none had dared test it before.

He was beginning to calculate how he could have a fun game with us. The challenge of going against us brought lots of memories and ideas to his mind–a mental exercise that I recognised as excitement. Would Jasper read the excitement and reach the same conclusions?

"We'll show you the way if you'd like to run with us–Emmett and Alice …" at that moment the wind blew from behind us in the direction of the visitors. I stiffened focusing completely on them, but James particularly. They were fairly far away. There was a slim chance he wouldn't recognise that the scent came from the human next to me. But if he did … I didn't want to calculate the cost.

James looked straight at Bella scrutinizing her while his nostrils flared.

"… you can go with Edward and Bella to get the Jeep," Carlisle stated.

 _They brought a human? A particularly sweet one at that? I doubt they're the type to share outside of their coven. Especially that flavour. I bet they'd be willing to protect their kill. Would they protect just this delicacy or all the humans in their claimed territory? Or maybe she's in their service hoping to be changed. I've heard about humans like that. That might make her important to them. How far would they be willing to go to keep their secret and territory?_ He imagined the sick games he could play if he had a whole town to terrorise. The tone of James' thoughts quickly went from disbelief to glee as he began to strategise the kind of game he wanted to play.

He took a step forward into a crouch.

From his thoughts it was clear that he did so just to see what kind of reaction he would get. It was a test to see which of the many game scenarios he was considering we would most likely to be baited into. Despite this knowledge, I could not help my reaction as if my body responded once again without my mental input. I bated my teeth, crouched, and snarled at him making it clear that he couldn't have _her_. As cold and hard and contrary to Carlisle's respect of humans that it was, he could have anyone in town, but _not her._ It was like the van coming towards her in the school parking lot all over again. My body acted before my mind could count the cost.

Victoria watched James. Her eyes kept flicking to each of us. _James wants to challenge them ... he'll win ... he'll divide and conquer ... they'll lose ... James will take what he wants ... he always does._

"What's this?" I barely heard Laurent exclaim in surprise.

James moved slightly to the side. _Perhaps there is a good game to be had here after all. How far would he go, would they go, to protect this one? With the coven leader's experience of defending territory, how protective of this one he would allow the others to be? Would they consider her expendable? Hopefully it won't come down to just the one warning us and me, I've played that too many times already. There's no challenge there. Is the one warning us determined to keep her from me or is he just warning me since this is their territory and he is declaring their claim?_

I shifted in response to his movement. I did so too quickly responding to his thought.

 _That's interesting. He moved just slightly before I did as if he could read my intention. I've never encountered someone who could do that. That's probably why he reacted when the others didn't. He's the warning bell. It might make the game even more fun. I wonder how well he can read my intention? Could I find a way to test it?_

"She's with us," Carlisle said firmly.

Laurent caught the smell. "You brought a snack?" He stepped forward without thought.

I snarled ferociously and harshly, curled my lip high above me teeth, everything short of moving to signal that this creature behind me was not for the taking the words _not her_ rang through every fibre of my being in an attempt to trigger the only thing that stops our kind in the midst of a hunt–self-preservation.

All the while my whole family was loudly thinking to me _Calm down!_ It was so deafening that I momentarily lost my connection to James' thoughts.

My need to protect Bella was so fundamental to my being that I found it difficult to do as they had asked.

Laurent stepped back.

I picked up James again. _Oh this will do nicely. Nicely indeed. Now, how to use Laurent to best facilitate the game? This might be my best ever._

"I said she's with us," Carlisle repeated harshly. _Right now, Edward! Please._

 _Edward, I know you need to protect Bella, but please don't provoke them._

 _Will you calm down?_

 _What did I say? Just like a crazy person._

 _This won't end well unless you calm down Edward, please._ Then Alice showed me the most likely future if I didn't control myself–me taking apart what might have been Laurent and Bella bleeding.

 _Edward, I can't manage them and you. Pull yourself together._

I reined my emotions in, relaxed some, pulled my face back into a semblance of calm, but remained in the crouch.

"But she's human," Laurent protested astonished.

"Yes," Carlisle replied leaving no doubt in his tone.

 _Even better. I bet the whole coven will work to protect their territory … or perhaps it's just her._ An image of an older vampire in what looked like a gardener's outfit entered his mind. _Wouldn't it be ironic if I had found myself a similar challenge except instead of only one blocking my way there would be seven. Yes. Yes, that would do nicely. It would be ironic revenge for my one failure._ He pondered ways of reducing our coven's numbers.

Emmett took a small step forward towards James while glaring at him.

As James thought of possibilities, I used my telepathy in a way I had only dabbled at here and there over the last decade, simply because it was rude. Usually I simply heard the thought of the inner voice I was listening to as it passed through his or her mind, and most times I only paid attention to the predominant thought. The only except was Carlisle. With him my mind had almost automatically heard every thought he had no matter how minor, but in my early years I had to learn how to filter it all out except what he was communicating to me so that I didn't get random images of him at the hospital and all the blood that surrounded him. I decided that this wasn't the time to be a gentleman. This was a game I would win at all cost and if fighting dirty was what it would take, then I would fight dirty.

I gave my whole attention to James' thoughts pulling not just his primary thoughts, but all the things going on in the background as well as all the memories his mind accessed purposefully and unintentionally. Every morsel of information that passed through his mind I absorbed.

His primary thought was, _There's no advantage of taking them on here. It's their territory. They'll have the upper hand. Even if I were to get to her, the leader would probably take me apart as battle seasoned as he is. No. This doesn't give me the best advantage. With their numbers I'll have to be patient. How to gain the upper hand?_

He slowly straightened up.

I made sure to match his movements and not his thoughts.

As a sideshow I heard Laurent speak. "It appears we have a lot to learn about each other."

James was running through tons of scenarios simultaneously of how he might gain the advantage. Many of them offered Laurent up like a pawn. A great many came with his memories of things he had tried. Strategies that had succeeded others that hadn't.

"Indeed." Carlisle's voice was firm yet welcoming.

"But we'd like to accept your invitation," Laurent stated diplomatically. His eyes flickered to Bella. "And, of course, we will not harm the human girl. We won't hunt in your range, as I said." _I hope James isn't going to do anything stupid. Provoking a coven of this size isn't smart._ He was taken in by Carlisle, as most are, and genuinely was interested in what he had to say. It was a good thing Carlisle never was a dictator, he could have ruled a country, in my estimate, amazed as always at my sire and father.

More and more possibilities flittered through James' mind. What seemed apparent was that he had little intention of actually going back to the house. He saw doing so would place him in a tactical disadvantage. He was excited to discover how we might leave the field. _That morsel is mine and if the challenge is good enough perhaps there are others they would defend. Perhaps even all their cattle in their region._ The excitement from the possibility was the strongest that had come from him yet.

Sixteenth of a second later Alice saw him in a nearby grove of trees with Bella dead in his arms.

The reality that he might be that good and beat us all was something I wasn't willing to concede. We would find a way to keep Bella safe. We had to. I had beaten Alice's visions; I would beat this nomad.

Jasper must have felt Alice's terror. _What is it my love?_ filled his thoughts, but he strategically knew it wasn't wise to go to her. He reminded himself over and over to stay still.

I envied his capacity to override his instinctual drive to protect her.

Carlisle took a second to measure all his options and choose the one he saw created the greatest chance of securing everyone's safety.

"We'll show you the way. Jasper, Rosalie, Esme?"

The three of them moved towards Carlisle and the visitors.

Jasper showed no hesitation.

 _He even lets the one speaking dictate movement. Interesting. Let the games begin southern warrior. I will beat you and your coven. That tasty treat is mine._

Alice was on the other side of Bella, and Emmett was backing towards us.

"Let's go, Bella," I indicated to her, but she seemed unable to move.

I had expected this response–she froze when scared–so I just took her elbow and dragged her at a human pace. I wished that we could go faster, but I didn't want James to see me run with her.

James watched us carefully, using every movement as strategic information to create a way to get to her.

Defending her could be interpreted many ways. Carrying her on my back, I was fairly certain, would only give James a tactical advantage by telling him how much about our nature she was acclimatised. Once we were deep enough in the trees, I swung Bella onto my back and ran with firm determination.

In the distance I heard Carlisle take off for home followed by Esme and Laurent, then Rosalie, shortly behind her Jasper, and then James and Victoria. Jasper was trying to figure out how James' excitement matched Alice's terror. He assumed that Alice saw one of our deaths, but which one?

James planned on slowing down and then tracing back to following our group.

I hoped to warn Jasper, but not one way came to mind in order to do so without giving away my gift, since our mobile phones were at the house, and _that_ was bad strategy.

We reached the Jeep.

I flung Bella as gently as possible into the backseat.

Emmett jumped in, and Alice slid into the front. Alice was focused on seeing what had led to Bella's death.

"Strap her in," I ordered Emmett.

I started the engine and swerved backwards, turned around, and hightailed it back down as quickly as possible. Driving I listened out for James, watched Alice's visions, tried to think of a solution, and cursed under my breath quicker than I hoped Bella could hear.

James was no longer in my mental range as I hit the pavement and gunned it heading south.

"Where are we going?" Bella asked.

I didn't have an answer.

Alice was lost in the future still searching for a way out of this situation where no one ended up dead. There were too many possibilities where even if Bella lived someone else didn't survive. Running away seemed to have slightly better odds right now.

 _I have no idea how to do this. I barely know how to calm Rosalie down let alone a human girl. How are they generally calmed down? I'm more likely to break her than comfort her. Edward wouldn't appreciate it if I broke his human. Alice was right. She does smell good, sweet even. I wonder how she would taste. No. Don't think about that. Edward would have a conniption fit if I took a nibble. Focus on how to comfort her. Yes, that's it. She really doesn't help herself with all intoxicating smells she radiates. Sure wish Jasper was still here to keep her sedated. She really needs to calm herself down. Doesn't she realize that she's only making her self more tasty?_

I shot him a warning in the rearview mirror.

"Dammit, Edward! Where are you taking me?" Bella yelled at me.

Emmett was right. Her anger and fear were producing powerful aphrodisiacs.

 _I'm no good at this, Edward. Please tell her something,_ he pleaded. He knew I was trying to concentrate, and Emmett didn't usually plead.

"We have to get you away from here–far away–now." I tried to modulate my voice so it was comforting and soothing.

 _Try not to be scary. Imagine she's your little sister's breakable doll._ Foggy human memories came to Emmett's mind.

"Turn around! You have to take me home!" Bella shouted at me.

What she needed to do was calm down. Perhaps I could use heavy persuasion like before the run to the field, but I was filled with too much anxiety. I momentarily wondered if Emmett breathed on her like I had if it would produce the same result. As much as it might help I couldn't bring myself to suggesting it. I couldn't sit here driving while I watched my brother do that to her. Whether she was calm or not, she wasn't going home. It was too risky. He was certain to go there. This was my fault, and I would find some way to fix it.

She started to try to get out of the harness.

I knew the harness wasn't intended to hurt her, but I couldn't risk her blood being released. Even internally with bruising sounded dangerous at this point.

"Emmett." I looked again at him in the rearview mirror. This time I was pleading.

He did as I asked and grabbed onto both of Bella's hands.

 _Wow! She's toasty hot. How can you stand to be this close to her?_

I stifled a growl. I really didn't need Emmett's commentary right now. At least he was focusing on something other than her scent.

"No! Edward! No, you can't do this," Bella pleaded angrily.

Alice was no closer to finding a solution.

Emmett kept bringing back the image of a doll.

Fortunately I hadn't heard James' inner voice again, yet. I doubted it would take long.

"I have to, Bella, now please be quiet." I was simply pleading as I continued to speed up. I needed to focus on strategy.

"I won't! You have to take me back–Charlie will call the FBI! They'll be all over your family–Carlisle and Esme! They'll have to hide forever!"

No, not forever. A few decades perhaps. The gap between my world and hers never felt larger.

"Calm down, Bella. We've been there before."

How could she think of the cost to our family when it was her neck on the line? Was she really that altruistic?

 _Seriously? She's thinking about us having to live out of the country for a few decades?_

Alice searched to see if Bella was right. Almost always Charlie made the call. Sometimes something was done, sometimes it wasn't. There were too many variables.

I pressed the Jeep even faster.

 _Ed, I know you love the girl, but Rose … living like a nomad ..._ The pictures were not pretty.

"Not over me, you don't! You're not ruining everything over me!" I watched her struggle in Emmett's hands.

Had she not heard me when I told her that she was my life now?

 _Girl is feisty! How do you not break her?_ He had to really concentrate so that she didn't get hurt. Luckily that ended his mental picturing of Rose living nomadically.

Alice came into the present. "Edward, pull over."

I stared at her. Not one option she had seen looked decent. And she knew it.

"Edward, let's just talk this through." She needed more ideas to search, more possibilities. One without death or the FBI if possible.

"You don't understand," I roared in frustration. Neither Emmett or Alice reacted to my outburst, but I saw Bella flinch. I wanted to hold her in my arms and apologize for behaving like an animal. I pressed the Jeep to go faster. "He's a tracker, Alice, did you _see_ that? He's a tracker!"

"Do it, Edward," Alice commanded. _Please, Edward. I need to see clearer. I need you to stop deciding for us so I can see more options._

"Listen to me, Alice. I saw his mind. Tracking is his passion, his obsession–and he wants _her_ , Alice– _her_ , specifically. He begins the hunt tonight." I spoke at a human pace so that Bella too could understand the danger of the situation. She needed to calm down and let us protect her.

Desperation was sinking into my words. I had made this mess and pulled my whole family into it. I didn't know how to fix it.

Emmett was right, Rose wouldn't do well living like a nomad. His mind began to try to imagine how we would corner a tracker. It would be a challenge. He was excited by the prospect.

"He doesn't know where–"

I interrupted her. "How long do you think it will take him to cross her scent in town? His plan was already set before the words were out of Laurent's mouth."

Alice began to search for that possibility. The odds were that I was right.

He had played these games so many times, so much destruction in his wake. He would adjust; just like I had. No matter what I did he would hunt her because for him there could be nothing better; just like I had. This realization suddenly made the pieces of what I had seen make more sense. At my core I was just like James–the most dangerous kind of hunter. I wasn't just facing any seasoned vampire; I was facing what I would have become if I hadn't returned to Carlisle and Esme. Someone less in control of his or her self would have been easier to evade; eventually something else would have distracted someone of a different character. He would be relentless.

Bella gasped. "Charlie! You can't leave him there! You can't leave him!" She thrashed again against the harness.

Watching Bella struggle was like watching what should have been before things got this far–her struggling to leave me.

 _Please have her stop doing that. She's going to hurt herself or I'm going to accidently hurt her._

"She's right," Alice said. _Charlie dying will devastate Bella._ Then she replayed one of her visions–one where Charlie died–and searched for Bella's reaction. It was very fuzzy, but Alice was right.

I slowed the Jeep down slightly.

"Let's just look at our options for a minute," Alice coaxed knowing she had found my weakness–I could not do anything that would cause Bella to be in the pain Alice had seen.

I slowed the Jeep down even more and then suddenly I screeched to a stop on the shoulder of the highway.

Bella's body went into the harness and then back into the seat.

 _Seriously, dude, you're going to hurt your girl. She's breakable, remember?_

I was grateful that she stopped struggling. I wasn't sure how much more of that I could take.

Alice's mind was filled with more possibilities than before.

"There are no options," I hissed.

Every option that Alice had seen was unacceptable because in everyone someone died.

"I'm not leaving Charlie!" Bella yelled.

I did not respond to her remark instead focusing on Alice. I looked at her pleadingly, asking her to find another way.

 _There are enough of us. Rosalie wouldn't do well on the run. We'll talk to Jasper. We'll set a trap._

"We have to take her back," Emmett stated gently yet firmly.

"No," I said definitively.

Alice searched for other options.

That would take her closer to danger, not further away. I tried to imagine how someone might have been able to keep a prey concealed from me. My greatest weakness was my lack of tracking skills. I had relied heavily on my telepathy. James wouldn't have that weakness.

"He's no match for us, Edward. He won't be able to touch her." Emmett said this so firmly, confidently, and in such fierce protection of Bella in any other circumstances it would have been incredibly touching.

"He'll wait," was all that I could manage.

I knew Emmett was right, but it didn't change anything.

Emmett smiled. "I can wait, too." His mind was filled with the possibility of trapping a tracker. He was enjoyed the challenge.

"You didn't see–you don't understand. Once he commits to a hunt, he's unshakable. We'd have to kill him." I said as much to Bella and I did to Emmett. She needed to understand I could not take her into the range of someone like that. I shuttered to think what would have happened to Bella if I had come across her when I wasn't convicted of Carlisle's ideology.

Emmett imagined the prospect of having to kill another of our kind. In his mind he only saw the need to protect his family and therefore Bella.

"That's an option." He hoped this would also reassure Bella. He didn't want her to worry. He would protect her. Somehow in his mind she went from being his sister's fragile doll to being a fragile sister.

I couldn't ask for a better brother.

Alice looked for that possibility.

"And the female. She's with him. If it turns into a fight, the leader will go with them, too." I tried not to sound as hopeless as I felt. I couldn't be positive that would be the outcome, but we needed to assume that possibility.

No one had ever defeated me when I hunted. I had chosen to stop. I was still trying to imagine a possibility where someone who was the strongest combination of Jasper and me without our gifts, and enjoyed a challenge like Emmett, but with likely two centuries more experience was defeated. I had no better options than Alice's visions.

Emmett was beginning to strategise and form possibilities of how to defeat them.

"There are enough of us." Emmett said definitively as if that closed the subject.

"There's another option," Alice said quietly her vision of Bella with red eyes and pale skin dominating her mind.

To have him want to take her from me was one thing, but Alice's suggestion, no matter how well meaning, was worse. He was following his hunting instincts, albeit sadistically, while Alice's suggestion was that we take Bella's soul. It was if Alice had dismembered me and began to burn the pieces. If I didn't love her so much, I might have flung myself on her. Instead I turned in fury and with a blistering snarl roared, "There–is–no–other–option!"

 _It is inevitable. This will protect her. I don't want to lose her._

I stared back at her.

She already knew my answer was no. She had a form of perverse logic.

I could see the logic, but keeping Bella safely human was too strongly embedded in my own survival. I mentally dismissed the idea out of reflex.

Bella interrupted our stare down. "Does anyone want to hear my plan?"

"No," I growled more at Alice's suggestion than Bella.

 _Edward, even I know not to growl at humans. It's rude. Calm down, bro._

Alice glared at me. _Listen to her at least, Edward, if you won't listen to me. Bella might surprise us._

Alice had that part right at least. Bella was full of surprises.

"Listen," Bella pleaded. "You take me back."

 _Does the girl have a death wish? What part of tracker did she not understand?_

"No." I'm not taking you into danger Bella. I'll listen to anything that keeps you safe. That does not keep you safe.

 _For goodness sake, Edward. It's no wonder you've been alone for all these decades. Shut your mouth and just listen. You can argue with her after she finishes._

Bella and Alice glared at me.

"You take me back. I tell my dad I want to go home to Phoenix. I pack my bags. We wait till this tracker is watching, and then we run. He'll follow us and leave Charlie alone. Charlie won't call the FBI on your family. Then you can take me any damned place you want."

We all stared at her.

 _Wow. Really. Your human is … wow … please keep her … I like her._

Alice began searching the possibility.

Mostly we couldn't believe that she would offer to do such a thing for me, for us. It still was dangerous, but … it would mean not risking us being on the run. Carlisle had been a nomad for many years and as long as he had Esme he would be fine, but it would mean leaving medicine for a while perhaps even a few decades. Alice and Jasper had each been nomads for decades and I for those four years. Emmett could adjust to anything, but Rosalie to be a nomad … Emmett was right. Keeping the FBI off us and stopping us from having to run was ultimately better for all of us particularly for Rosalie's sake. Rosalie was fiercely determined, a strong fighter, willing to do what's necessary to protect what was hers, and had killed purposefully, coldly, calculatingly before. I needed her. It was a get-retching truth, but it was true nonetheless.

"It's not a bad idea, really," Emmett added aloud at an almost slow human pace being impressed obvious in his tone.

"It might work–and we simply can't leave her father unprotected. You know that," Alice concluded.

Unfortunately it was the only option so far that stood a decent chance of all of us ending this alive and them dead. I hated being wrong.

All eyes turned to me.

It felt as if my essence were being torn apart. I _could not_ put her in danger. My new sense of myself as much as her life depended on it, but nothing else had as much of a chance.

"It's too dangerous–I don't want him within a hundred miles of her."

 _Do you really think he'd get by us? Come on Eddie._

 _I don't either, Edward, but you have to admit we don't have anything better at the moment._

My siblings knew I was already swaying; my tone was losing its ferocity.

"Edward, he's not getting through us." Emmett was even more definitive this time. He imagined our family like a castle wall with Bella behind us completely covered and safe.

Alice looked ahead again specifically focusing on the next hour or so if we followed Bella's plan.

"I don't see him attacking. He'll try to wait for us to leave her alone," she told Emmett and Bella.

"It won't take long for him to realize that's not going to happen," I replied both Alice and Emmett knew this, but Bella needed to know as well. He had years of experience modifying his tactics to fit his prey and goals. She would constantly be guarded.

I looked at Alice begging her to remember the image from the field.

"I _demand_ that you take me home," Bella added for good measure.

 _Listen to her. It's a good idea,_ Emmett thought loudly at me.

 _It's got the best outcome of every option I've considered. Please, listen, Edward._ Alice's thoughts were also getting louder and more insistent.

I pressed my fingers to my temples and squeezed my eyes shut.

"Please," Bella asked again. Her voice already tinged with sadness.

They had worn me down. Alice was right. I couldn't purposefully put Bella in the position of losing her father. And Emmett was right about Rosalie. Best option was to think through the possibilities, not let my instincts drive the decision. I weighed every possible option and every particle of information we had right now.


	52. Chapter 52: The Redemptive Path

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. The dialogue that comes from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun remains hers.**

 **TRIGGER WARNING: James is not a good guy and his thoughts could be disturbing to some. Nothing graphic is described, but hints and suggestions of disturbing activities abound.**

* * *

"You're leaving tonight, whether the tracker sees or not," I proclaimed. "You tell Charlie that you can't stand another minute in Forks. Tell him whatever story works. Pack the first things your hands touch, and then get in your truck. I don't care what he says to you. You have fifteen minutes from the time you cross the doorstep."

 _Glad to hear you're seeing reason,_ Emmett joked.

Alice went back to checking the future.

I always appreciated how Alice rarely pointed out when I was wrong, often she would just move on as if I hadn't been an idiot. It is a wonderful quality of hers.

I turned the keys and brought the Jeep back to life. I did a 180 degree turn as quickly as the vehicle would go and pushed down the accelerator again.

"Emmett?" Bella asked while looking at her hands.

 _Cool?_

I didn't respond trusting Emmett to do what he thought was best. He was the one sitting next to her after all.

"Oh, sorry," he mumbled and let go of her hands. A human memory surfaced of him taking care of his little sister who stood to his knees, while simultaneously I watched in the rearview mirror him end up with the similar facial expression.

He went back to imagining how to defeat these three visitors.

Alice continued using her gift to find a way that our family and Bella survived intact.

I reviewed everything I had heard from James' thoughts. The content hadn't surprised me much. Someone like James who was always looking for a thrill was bound to try lots of things over the years. I certainly didn't agree with his treatment of women, but none of that really helped me beat him. All it told me that there was no low he wouldn't stoop to in order have his fun.

"This is how it's going to happen," I ordered. "When we get to the house, if the tracker is not there, I will walk her to the door. Then she has fifteen minutes." I sternly looked at Bella in the rearview mirror continuing to speak at a human pace, "Emmett, you take the outside of the house. Alice, you get the truck. I'll be inside as long as she is. After she's out, you two can take the Jeep home and tell Carlisle."

Alice began looking ahead based on this decision.

"No way," Emmett cut in. "I'm with you." There was no negotiating in his tone.

Protecting Bella was the best way to protect Rosalie in his opinion. Not to mention that he didn't want to miss out on the fight.

What Alice saw was unclear, but even with Emmett the chances of me ending James were slim.

"Think it through, Emmett. I don't know how long I'll be gone."

He pondered the cost of being away from Rosalie for an undetermined amount to time. He decided it was worth it to protect her.

To leave the woman he loved to protect her. Wasn't that what I had been trying to do since I stopped the van from killing Bella?

"Until we know how far this is going to go, I'm with you," he promised.

I wished I could be as strong as Emmett or as Jasper had been in the field when he and Alice separated even though he knew she was in pain. How many times had I wished that I could leave Bella so that she could go on with her human life?

I sighed. "If the tracker is there, we keep driving."

Alice checked again. "We're going to make it there before him. What are we going to do with the Jeep?"

"You're driving it home," I told her.

 _C_ ould my smug psychic sister not see that? Had she been so much in the future that she had lost track of the present?

 _Yes! I'm with you._ Emmett was exuberant. _  
_

"No, I'm not," she answered as stubbornly as Bella had been moments ago.

Probably because she had already decided against it. For the love of all that's holy. I started swearing again in our quick sub-human vocals.

"We can't all fit in my truck," Bella whispered.

At least she wasn't thrashing around anymore or yelling at me.

Alice kept looking.

Emmett mentally prepared for a fight if James showed up.

I kept trying to find a better option.

"I think you should let me go alone," Bella breathed.

I wondered why she had said that so quietly. Had I frightened her again? Had I made the same mistake as when we were in the car together on our trip back from Port Angeles? Had I inadvertently told her I didn't want to hear her thoughts? Maybe. Great! I had managed to do the exact thing that I had promised myself that I wouldn't do.

Would her fear of me be what sends her running away? Yes, I told myself. Her fear of me was healthy. She should have been afraid from the beginning. Now, she could see the true cost of being with me. I had known this day would come. I would, of course, respect her choice after she was no longer in danger. I would not leave her vulnerable to death because of my inability to walk away when I should have.

Alice started looking for what possibilities existed if we took Bella's suggestion. None ended well. James found her and killed her sometimes more quickly than others even if we stayed nearby and gave Bella the illusion of being alone.

"Bella, please just do this my way, just this once." I clenched my teeth in an attempt not to speak loudly again.

 _Your human really is a piece of work, Edward. She's nearly as bad as Rosalie or Alice. We Cullens sure know how to pick our women, don't we?_

 _We can't let her out of our sight, Edward. She doesn't understand the severity. That can't be an option._

Gratefully, Alice and I were on the same page about something.

"Listen, Charlie's not an imbecile. If you're not in town tomorrow, he's going to get suspicious."

This was the meadow all over again. She was putting my welfare before her own safety. I really needed her not to do that. I wasn't the breakable one.

Alice checked. We so rarely went into town it would be fine until I started missing school. That would cause suspicions to rise.

 _Your girl really cares about you, doesn't she? It's kind of sweet in a masochist kind of way._

Yes, it would be sweet if it didn't put her at such risk of harm. Certainly, she was attracted to me, and, yes, she felt affection for me, but she was finally coming to her senses and sending me away. She no longer needed to worry about me.

"That's irrelevant. We'll make sure he's safe, and that's all that matters," I explained to her.

Emmett began to think of different ways to lead James down a false trail.

As long as Charlie didn't call the FBI and ruin things for my family, I deserved whatever punishment he could muster.

"Then what about this tracker? He saw the way you acted tonight. He's going to think you're with me, wherever you are."

Why did I not see that coming?

Alice tried not to look smug.

I appreciated her effort.

Emmett looked at Bella shocked. _Girl has a point._ "Edward, listen to her. I think she's right." _She's an even better strategist than you._

"Yes, she is," Alice agreed.

Great! It was three against one, all of them with Bella!

"I can't do that," I admitted. Even the thought of it brought me such pain.

"Emmett should stay, too," Bella continued. "He definitely got an eyeful of Emmett."

Alice checked the possibility while Emmett got upset.

"What?" Now it was Emmett's turn to see the daftness in Bella's ideas.

"You'll get a better crack at him if you stay," Alice suggested.

There was nothing from what I had seen from her visions to make that definitive. I wondered what she was getting at.

I stared at Alice. What was she was suggesting?

"You think I should let her go alone?" I asked cautiously figuring Alice was leading me into a trap.

"Of course not. Jasper and I will take her."

Alice was good. I would give her that. She had led me to the most reasonable possibility. Jasper was a good fighter and Alice would see James coming, but still …

"I can't do that." Literally, Alice. I am not like Emmett and Jasper. I _cannot_ leave Bella.

"Hang out here for a week–" Bella started until she saw my pained expression in the mirror and paused "–a few days. Let Charlie see you haven't kidnapped me, and lead this James on a wild-goose chase. Make sure he's completely off my trail. Then come and meet me. Take a roundabout route, of course, and then Jasper and Alice can go home."

I was glad to hear Bella had given up to notion that I would stay here playing human while she was alone somewhere.

Alice began checking again. This was proving to be a significantly improved outcome that anything she had seen before.

"Meet you where?" I asked.

Multiple options came to mind, Iceland, for instance.

"Phoenix." She said the name as if that was obvious.

 _Phoenix? That makes no sense. Why would you tell the tracker where you're going to go?_

Alice began the process of scanning the future using this as a guide.

"No. He'll hear that's where you're going," I pointed out agreeing with Emmett.

Obviously she had forgotten how well our kind could hear.

"And you'll make it look like that's a ruse, obviously. He'll know that we'll know that he's listening. He'll never believe I'm actually going where I said I am going."

So, she had remembered and purposefully wanted to use it to trick him. I had never seen this side of Bella. I wasn't sure if I liked it.

"She's diabolical," Emmett chuckled. _This girl will make one dangerous vampire._

All the while Alice had been checking on the possible outcome. Irritatingly it was looking decent.

"And if that doesn't work?" I asked ignoring Emmett's statement and thoughts as well as what Alice was seeing.

James might see through the ruse and I wasn't willing to bet Bella's life on it.

"There are several million people in Phoenix," was her retort.

 _Girl has a point, Edward. It's hider to hide one human in a place with larger numbers of humans._

"It's not that hard to find a phone book."

It wasn't a great response. I didn't have a better place for her to go, but I didn't like the idea nonetheless.

 _Really, Edward? You have so much to learn about how to talk to women. I would have thought Rosalie, Esme, and I would have taught you some manners by now. There's no need to insult her._

 _Seriously, bro? Don't insult your girl. Never a good idea._

"I won't go home," Bella replied nonplussed as if this statement was somehow the miracle to stopping a tracker.

"Oh?" I asked arrogantly using my tone to cast doubt on her capacity to take care of herself.

Alice's scolding just a seconds ago repeated itself. I really wasn't so hot at this.

"I'm quite old enough to get my own place," she retorted her tone showing that I had inadvertently insulted her once again.

I really should work on that.

Her being alone in her own place was incredibly stupid. My only conclusion was that she did not yet fully grasp the situation.

 _First she wants to go alone, then get her own place? Does she really think that if she simply stays hidden alone she'll be safe? Edward said that he demonstrated our speed and strength. Did she not believe her eyes? It might take years, but the tracker would find her. Maybe she's trying to protect us? Nah. She couldn't protect us from a tree. She's not making any sense. She's smart about some stuff, but then she's kind of dumb. There's no way Eddie is letting her be alone. Someone will guard her. Maybe we should just turn her like how Alice sees. She'd be safer then. More durable. Then again, newborns are unstable.  
_

"Edward, we'll be with her." Alice's attempt to be reassuring irritated me.

 _No one could get past Alice and Jasper. And then I don't have to be on babysitting duty. I'm liking this plan._

Yes, they were the strongest couple. Bella would be well protected. There was no doubt about that. The problem was that I was struggling to trust her with anyone else. Even before James I had been struggling with trusting Carlisle, for goodness sake. They were asking a lot of me.

"What are _you_ going to do in _Phoenix?"_

It's not a place known for its clouds. Not to mention that it is within the boundary of the Southern Wars.

"Stay indoors." Now Alice sounded like Bella.

It was as if this simple answer solved everything. I wanted to scream out of sheer frustration, but, knowing that would frighten Bella, I didn't.

Emmett pictured Alice, Jasper, and Bella hiding out in Phoenix while he, Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme, and I hunted down the tracker and his coven. "I kind of like it."

"Shut up, Emmett," I grumbled.

I shouldn't take out my frustrations on my brother just because he was good natured about it. It was a good plan. I knew that. I still didn't know if I could do it, though.

 _Be reasonable, Edward. I know your instinct is to protect her, but you can trust me. I love her. She's my best-friend. We'll keep her safe._

"Look, if we try to take him down while she's still around, there's a much better chance that someone will get hurt–she's get hurt, or you will, trying to protect her. Now, if we get him alone …" he smiled diabolically.

Emmett had ignored my rude comment and was being reasonable. Emmett being reasonable was hard to fight.

I slowed the Jeep down as we entered Forks not needing more attention. Bella's heart started racing and adrenaline entered her bloodstream intensely.

 _Wow, girl. I know James is scary to you, but could you tone that down. Just as I had stopped thinking about how delicious you smell. Taking a nibble out of my fragile little sister would be rude. Bad Emmett. No thinking about the scrumptious alluring scent sitting next to you. Not to mention that Eddie wouldn't forgive me. James. Think about James._ Then Emmett diligently went into thinking about all the ways he could tear James' limbs off and burn him into ash.

It wasn't pretty, but I appreciated his mental effort to distract himself. He was wrong about me forgiving him, though. I knew if he did ever taste her blood it would be my fault for bringing her around us all. They couldn't help how delicious her blood was especially in the rain or sun or with adrenaline. Those thoughts led me to the images Alice had seen so many times of her dead in my arms.

"Bella." I caressed her name softly and gently doing my best to help calm her. My siblings looked out the windows attempting to give me what little privacy they could. "If you let anything happen to yourself–anything at all–I'm holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?"

I listened to the beautiful symphony that was Bella and waited the time it took her to answer.

"Yes," she gulped.

I turned to Alice.

"Can Jasper handle this?" I asked for my sake as much as for Bella's. She needed to know what she was getting into my agreeing to this plan.

Alice considered it. "Give him some credit, Edward. He's been doing very, very well, all things considered." _Just my thirst and his. He'll be fine. Anyway, he knows the south better than me._

Emmett kept his mind occupied with James with only the occasional mental awareness of the temptress sitting next to him.

"Can _you_ handle this?"

She let her monster out for just a moment.

Bella moved away from Alice. It was a sight for sore eyes. She didn't usually play fight with us. And she loved Bella. She would fight ferociously to keep Bella alive.

 _And you doubt me._

I smiled at Alice. "But keep your opinions to yourself," I reminded her.

As soon as we were within hearing range of Bella's house Emmett focused his full attention on the noises surrounding us.

Alice kept checking the future to make sure things hadn't changed and that we would still arrive before James.

In addition to paying attention to my siblings' focuses I also was listening out for James' mental voice.

Things still looked copasetic when we pulled up. All the house lights were on. I could hear Charlie watching a game on the television. His thoughts were on Bella rather than the game though. He had obviously waited up for her.

I pulled up slowly, parked so that I wasn't in the way of her truck, and turned off the engine. Emmett, Alice, and I all searched that it was safe.

"He's not here," I said tensely. "Let's go."

 _Game on. Just try and come get her. You're not getting through me._

Alice was trying to pin down how long we had.

Emmett reached over and undid Bella's harness. "Don't worry, Bella. We'll take care of things here quickly." His thoughts were so sweetly brotherly protective of her.

I had no idea he would have taken to a human like this. It was a new side of Emmett maybe making him soft too.

The smell the salt emanated from Bella indicated that her eyes were becoming watery.

"Alice, Emmett," I ordered.

This had my role pre-Bella. I was the one that had kept the family safe all these years and coordinated things if there was a slip. Carlisle made the final decision, but they knew I saw their perspectives, the humans' thoughts around us, as well as my own. They knew to trust me. They both went to keep an eye on the perimeter while being mindful of potential human nosy neighbours.

Alice engaged every part of her physical capacity in watching out for James, which did not allow her to look into the future.

Emmett imagined how to take our play fighting to the next level while he kept an ear out for any signs of an approaching vampire.

I opened the Jeep's door, took Bella's hand, and then drew her into my chest hoping to comfort her. I wished that resting in my arms would be enough to keep her safe. In the contrary, my existence had alerted a tracker to this angel. Could I have done more harm? Esme's chastisement of me, after I had confessed how much I hated myself at time for putting Bella in danger, flooded me. Whether Esme were right or not, at the moment my wishes and my self-hatred were luxuries that I didn't have time for. So, instead I took her out of the car and walked her quickly towards the house.

"Fifteen minutes," I reminded her quietly.

I allowed her proximity to add warmth to me revelling in all that she had given me over these weeks and especially over these past few days.

"I can do this," she said, more for her benefit than for mine it seemed.

She sniffled. She stopped on the porch.

I watched her carefully.

She seemed to be deciding something or firming something in her head.

She placed her hands on both sides of my face the looked fiercely into my eyes. "I love you. I will always love you, no matter what happens now."

Her words warmed me along with her touch. She cared for me. The knowledge was sweet and sour. I had failed her in so many ways. Her tone and her choice of words were disconcerting. Whatever she was thinking, I didn't like the sound of it.

"Nothing is going to happen to you, Bella," I said with absolute determinism.

She was still alive. I hadn't killed her no matter how many times Alice had seen that I might. This was no different. James and the vision Alice saw of him catching Bella didn't stand a chance. This was one thing I could be sure of–my family and I would do everything in our power to keep her safe. Hear it, Bella. You have no reason to fear. Then I wondered if this was her warning me that her no to me had arrived. Like an 'I love you Edward, but I can't live with this type of danger' kind of statement? The idea pained me, but it was expected. I prepared myself, as I had been doing since she had told me "it didn't matter."

"Just follow the plan, okay? Keep Charlie safe for me," she begged. "He's not going to like me very much after this, and I want to have the chance to apologize later."

She was my priority, so a priority of hers was mine. I wasn't sure how, but I would work to keep her father safe as well.

 _That's why we're doing this. Get a move on it._

 _We're running out of time, Edward. She needs to hurry._

"Get inside, Bella. We have to hurry." I tried to be soft while urgent.

I could make out the whisperings of James' thoughts now. Not close enough for me to have full thought entry, but enough to know that he was getting nearer. I would guess about a mile and a half but closing fast. It would not be wise for James to know how important her father was to her. Right now in order to keep Charlie safe Bella needed to create distance.

James' thoughts were clearing up. They were a jumbled mess between strategies, past hunts, and what I could only describe as instinct. I wondered if my mind had looked like that when I had hunted. As much as I wanted to focus on him, like I had in field, so that I might take everything in from him again, Bella was my priority.

"One more thing. Don't listen to another word I say tonight!"

I stood in shock. I couldn't not hear her. What did she mean? Did she want me to go far enough away that she had privacy, leaving her unprotected? While I stood there listening to James come into my audible range, Alice and Emmett almost simultaneously warned me, _He's here_.

While still sorting through my confusion, Bella stretched up onto her toes and kissed me. Hopefully James wouldn't have put that sound in association to the two of us, but I had been unable to deny her. Then she turned and kicked the door open.

"Go away, Edward!" she yelled and flittered inside.

She slammed the door shut in my face.

Now I understood what she meant about not listening, she was going to be cruel to me as well as to her father. She was too kind to desire to do this publically, but given the circumstances it was a necessity. I knew this moment had always been coming. She couldn't have lived in proximity to my world and said yes to me for long.

The strangest sensation happened within me, though. Instead of acceptance or even resignation filling me, I felt more determined, as if my body wanted to prove her no unnecessary. A sensation of becoming focused with an intent to show Bella that she could be safe in my company overcame me. It would do anything, even return to being a murderer, in order to keep Bella human and safe. She might have been saying no to me, and I would honour her no by staying far enough away that she never felt my presence, but my physical being, more than anything, needed to keep her in this wondrous form.

A problem arose, however, from this physical reaction to her no. If my body was insistent on never being very far from her, how was I going to find the strength to allow Jasper and Alice to take her from me? How could I find the strength as Emmett had just moments earlier? Then it became clear. He had been willing to be separated from Rosalie in order to protect her. Repeating the model lay out first by Jasper and then again by Emmett was the antithesis of James–of who I used to be–and the greatest expression of my capacity to deny my nature, therefore the redemptive path placed out in front of me. All was left was to find the strength to convince my body to follow through.

"Bella?" Charlie sounded worried.

I ran a full circle around her house at human speed with James watching to make sure that if Laurent or Victoria ventured close to here my scent would cause them to think twice. As I did, I gave meaningful looks to my siblings. We were ready.

"Leave me alone!" Bella screamed through her tears.

She stomped heavily up the stairs and ran into her room where she locked the door.

I could hear Bella grabbing and pulling at things.

 _What is this ploy? Are they offering me_ _the other_ _, who must be the heavier of the two heartbeats, in_ _lieu of the morsel_ _? Perhaps someone else would consider that. Not what I'm looking for._ His desire for her grew as he imagined what cool relief her sweet flavour would be based on her scent that he had sampled at the field.

On the very edge of my telepathy were the faintest whispers of Victoria's thoughts, but since her inner monologue was already garbled I didn't expect it to clear up at this distance. She seemed to have come with James but keeping a distance from him. I wondered what that might mean. Would she assist him in his game? Was her hearing range better than his? Was she merely keeping tabs on James? Her thoughts had indicated that she believed herself safer with him.

 _Go help her_ , Alice instructed.

 _Come closer weasel. See if you can beat us in a fair fight a mano a mano,_ Emmett taunted James internally.

Charlie was pounding on Bella's door.

"Bella, are you okay? What's going on?" Charlie sounded genuinely frightened. Pictures of him and who I assumed to be Bella's mother by her looks flashed through his mind.

"I'm going _home_ ," Bella shouted.

 _Is she leaving this area? Is she running away from these yellow-bellied freaks as well? I hope not. Sure would take the fun out of it._

 _Game on,_ Emmett thought as he crouched and focused entirely on James who had come closer, but was just far enough away that Emmett wouldn't catch him.

I calculated with my speed if I could, but as I was unsure how fast James could move it wasn't worth the test.

James seemed to have an uncanny ability to stay just far enough out of reach but close enough to hear. It wasn't based on thought, although former hunts ran through his mind occasionally.

Alice noticed that he had stopped his advance and was trying to determine what he might do next. She took some guesses based on the flashes her gift had shown her previously.

"Did he hurt you?" Charlie was almost angry. Pictures of me hitting her came into his mind.

James mind filled with images upon images of how he had played with his food, except he placed my face and Bella's body in many of these.

I flinched and struggled not to defend myself against Charlie's accusations or James' mental assault.

 _Go, now!_ Alice insisted.

Yes, helping Bella would be better than being out here. I would have something to actively do, which had to be better than the possibility of me doing something reckless out here. Not to mention that Bella's presence always seemed to calm me. I checked for possible onlookers, opened Bella's window, and climbed in.

"No!" Bella answered Charlie back vehemently without seeming to notice that I had entered.

 _No? What would be the fun if a snack didn't scream a little? Doesn't sound like she's lying._ Then he recounted a few human females that he had been particularly vicious with, as he had liked the way they sounded when they screamed.

She and I jointly yanked clothes out of drawers and into her waiting duffle bag.

"Did he break up with you?" There was confusion in Charlie's tone. Thank goodness the images of me hurting Bella were gone.

 _As if you could lover boy._

How Emmett could joke at a time like this was beyond me.

 _Faster Edward, we need to go,_ instructed Alice.

 _This coven really does interact oddly with humans. It must be part of keeping a residence. Could this scene be a ruse to lead me down a false trail?_ He considered it strategically. _Nah._

Of course, his conclusion was based on faulty assumptions.

 _The spokesperson mentioned about being inconspicuous. The morsel must not know and believes the youngest to be human. That's an interesting game. I wouldn't like it. Too much trouble for a playable snack._ He began imagining himself pretending to be human, interacting with them in the way that would allow this kind of conversation to occur.

"No!" She yelled. The bag was nearly full.

I tried to calm myself. She was standing here next to me. Emmett and Alice were doing everything in their power to create a barrier between him and her. She was safe. James wouldn't get to her.

"What happened, Bella?" Charlie shouted through the door, pounding again. He was beginning to sound frustrated and a bit frantic.

I grabbed a few more things and stuffed them in unable to look her in the eyes. I was the cause of all this. Me. I had to find the strength to leave her from somewhere.

" _I_ broke up with _him_!" she shouted back avoiding looking at me.

I understood. This was exactly the moment I had been waiting for.

James rejected the images he had been toying with as if vomiting up human food. _Ugh! Repulsive. Such a disgrace to our kind._

She jerked the zipper on the bag.

I gently pushed her hands aside and zipped it smoothly. I put the strap carefully over her arm.

This confirmation that she was saying no strengthened my resolve to keep her safe. My nature and this karmic payback for my years of believing I knew better than Carlisle was the danger that she was fleeing. Even though mentally I knew her no was better for her, everything inside of me wanted to resist it and prove to her that she didn't need to be afraid. I could fight with myself later. First thing first, getting her out of here alive.

"I'll be in the truck–go!" I whispered softly enough that I hoped James wouldn't hear.

I pushed her gently towards the door and jumped out the window.

 _Oh, good. We're getting to the good stuff. She'll be leaving the house soon. We'll see what these freaks do next._

James was jumping tree to tree in the forest behind Charlie's property as if testing to see where he might get through.

I joined my siblings to face him.

 _She put on a good show. Hopefully this will work._

I appreciated Emmett's encouragement.

Alice's thoughts were almost like a prayer that Bella wouldn't say anything to tempt James or give him information that would undo the risk we were taking by being here.

I attentively listened as Bella unlocked her bedroom door, and then practically ran down the stairs.

"What happened?" Charlie yelled following after her. "I thought you liked him."

The sound of movement paused downstairs. Her fabric moved in a way that sounded like she had turned around.

James was still moving but slower now. His memories that I caught were ruthless. He rarely hunted for nourishment; he hunted for fun. My conclusions that I had spoken to convey the severity of the situation had been right unfortunately. This was his passion. The more scared, the harder the prey made it for him, the better. The images he produced of how he would snare each of my family members, torture them, and then kill them were stunningly graphic giving evidence to my hypothesis that he didn't kill defensively, but those images were nothing compared to the possibilities he produced of how to really torture Bella.

Only once when I had hunted humans had I come across a mind so atrocious–a serial killer who was sexually aroused by torturing his victims. Except James was older, more experienced, and 10,000 times more brutal and capable. His memory like all of our kind was infallible so he could go back and review the moments he found delirious as often as he liked.

There was a moment where neither of the Swans said anything.

Then I heard Bella's voice. "I _do_ like him–that's the problem. I can't do this anymore! I can't put down any more roots here! I don't want to end up trapped in this stupid, boring town like Mom! I'm not going to make the same dumb mistake she did. I hate it–I can't stay here another minute!"

She had told her father that she was saying no to me because she liked me, probably too much. She was leaving because there was danger and the danger came from liking me too much. It was hard to hear this truth spoken aloud, but I was pleased that finally she could see for herself that the price of being in my life was too high.

 _Oh that's delicious! She thinks of herself capable of leaving probably the one who reacted to me. She cannot ever escape. The Volturi insist upon it._ Some of the images of me playing the games he liked with females entered his mind. _A toy. That makes it even better. He was protecting his toy. Do they share her?_ Even worse images of Bella being exploited by my brothers and father entered his mind. _If they do, they might be even more protective, unless the morsel is merely the flavour of the month._

Emmett equating Bella to his sister's fragile doll was demeaning, but sweet in a way. Suggesting that my father and brothers would betray their wives in this way was atrocious. It took every bit of self-control I had not to mindlessly fling myself at him. I must have momentarily decided to do just that because Alice's mind contained this possibility immediately followed with her screaming at me, _Edward NO!_ Just as quickly as it had appeared it left and she saw that I was still standing next to her.

 _Don't scare me like that,_ she chastised me.

 _What?_ Emmett asked. _Dush think something that got you riled up?_

I infinitesimally nodded responding to both of them.

 _Hum. I wonder how I could use that to my advantage. Hopefully that means that this coven will make the game more enjoyable._ His thoughts sped up in enjoyment of what that might mean.

 _Well, then aren't you've glad I've given you practice of hearing offensive thoughts all these years?_

Emmett seemed to have this gift of saying just the right amount of ridiculousness to jar me out of my headspace. I had to inwardly smile letting James not get to me.

Bella walked towards the front door.

A memory of Bella's mom walking out on him filled Charlie's mind.

"Bells, you can't leave now. It's nighttime." Charlie sounded crushed, grasping at straws.

 _Except that she has us, so really she's safer than a bug in a rug._

Where Emmett came up with this stuff I would never know.

Alice was getting antsy.

"I'll sleep in the truck if I get tired," she replied harshly.

 _Don't make it that easy. Although …_ Then James began to imagine the things he could do to increase her fear responses if she were to be alone sleeping on the side of the road.

Almost there. Come on Bella, I inwardly pleaded.

"Just wait another week," Charlie implored. "Renée will be back by then."

She paused her movements. "What?" Bella's voice contained surprised with worry.

Worry wasn't good. That might give James' ammunition. Bella needed to be creating distance. I didn't think we could protect both her parents and her.

I increased my focus on James while maintaining some awareness on Bella.

 _Human girls are fond of their mothers and human mothers will agree to almost anything in the name of protecting their daughters. Yes._ Memories of how he had used familial love between mothers and daughters for his games ran through his mind. _That might be a fun sideshow to do in this midst of this if I can get it to work out. I always did enjoy creating those scenes. I wonder if the youngest male can read that intention. I'll have to be careful till I know the extent of his ability._

"She called while you were out. Things aren't going to well in Florida, and if Phil doesn't get signed by the end of the week, they're going back to Arizona. The assistant coach of the Sidewinders said they might have a spot for another shortstop," Charlie babbled.

That was even worse. Our only salvation was if James would assume that Bella would not go to Phoenix. Even still that didn't necessarily protect her mother from getting caught in the cross hairs. Fortunately, two things were in Bella's mother's favour. One, Charlie had said Florida, which is a big state keeping her a challenge to find for the time being. Two, James didn't know her scent, which would make it difficult to track.

Yet James was already trying how to figure out to use this information to bring Bella to him. In these few minutes he already had a thousand different possibilities. Most of them included how to best use Victoria. Until he made a decision, Alice's gift was going to be no help. There were just too many possibilities.

"I have a key," Bella muttered and turned the knob. "Just let me go, Charlie." She took in a significant intake of breath and threw the door open. "It didn't work out, okay? I really, really _hate_ Forks!"

Charlie's thoughts were as if she had sucker-punched him. Better than him dead, but still. He seemed frozen by her words while she ran to her truck. Now I knew where Bella got her tendency to freeze in stressful situations. Bella threw her bag into the bed and opened the door.

I had already put the key in the ignition for her.

"I'll call you tomorrow!" she yelled into the night.

I understood her need to promise that to him, but I wished that she hadn't. It wouldn't be safe enough for her to make phone calls.

Alice and Emmett went to the Jeep while keeping James in sight until Bella pulled away.

I followed Bella's truck on foot.

Just like the whole time we were at Bella's house, I could faintly pick out a few words from Victoria. Mother had been one; daughter had been another; James occurred multiple times, as had the word safe. Unless she got closer I didn't know what to make of what I had heard.

As soon as we were out of Charlie's sight I opened the passenger door and got into the truck. I grabbed her hand.

 _Finally, now the good stuff begins. How to take her? It would be scrumptious to take her right from under them. Hum …_ James was following us keeping the same distance as he had at Bella's house.

"Pull over," I ordered.

I could tell she was in one of her defiant stubborn moods.

"I can drive," she retorted while tears streamed down her face.

 _Don't pull over; don't let her drive,_ Alice ordered. I trusted Alice's instincts as she trusted mine.

Right then James began to think about ways to crash the vehicles or take over one and dismember us all in the confusion. It wouldn't work with our gifts and Emmett's strength, but Bella could be severely damaged.

I grabbed her waist, pushed her foot off the gas pedal and pulled her across my lap. As her hands were wrenched from the steering wheel I replaced her position.

"You wouldn't be able to find the house," I tried to explain.

Alice came up behind us. Bella's eyes widened, her heart raced, and adrenaline pumped strongly through her system. Maybe Alice knew this is how Bella would react. Maybe after so many years looking into the future Alice had a sixth sense about these things even without a vision. Either way it was safer with me driving.

James was now beginning to reconsider attacking us while we were in the vehicles. He imagined pulling Bella out of the passenger door.

"It's just Alice," I explained attempting to reassure her.

Hoping to hide my grimace at the mental pictures James was running through, I grabbed her hand to comfort her and keep her closer to me. I would die protecting her. There was no doubt of that now.

"The tracker?"

 _She was told about me? Do they know somehow that I can track my prey? Unlikely._ _With them keeping a residence they're probably extremely skilled at lying in a way that contains truth and is therefore convincing to humans._ _It would be like them to use a word like that to explain my intent to take her while hiding our world. Perhaps they can teach me a few tricks._

I could hear Bella's worry. She was probably looking for reassurance that hurting her father would keep him safe.

"He heard the end of your performance," I told her gently.

 _We can't keep her and both her parents safe, Edward. We have to keep tabs on James instead. It's our only chance to end this without death on our side._

Emmett began to consider how he might get at a human in a car.

Hopefully what I had said would reassure Bella that she did her part. There was no need for her to carry my worries.

"Charlie?" she asked worry coating her question.

After her performance this wasn't good. She shouldn't indicate that she was worried. The fact that sometimes she remembered our heightened capacities and then sometimes she forgot was verging on dangerous. Before she asked, had she not considered that James might use her worry against her?

 _Interesting. There's worry there. How to best exploit that? Should I go back and pick him up? Use him as bait? Fathers and daughters … haven't set that scene in a while._ An image arose of a man and young girl dressed in attire before I had been born. Then he began running through different scenarios he had tried in the past. _Using bait requires setting the stage and then having to get into contact. Perhaps Laurent could be useful after all._

"The tracker followed us. He's running behind us now," I told her giving away nothing more than what he would have assumed.

 _Good to know. What's their range? I came across a guy once_ and then a memory of a vampire came to his mind whom could hear almost double than the average vampire followed by a cat and mouse game where James chased and eventually cornered him.

Bella started sweating, but was still.

James calculated the advantages of running back and getting Charlie over following us and learning what he could. _There's time. I can always go back for the human. I have his scent. I know the dwelling. No. It would be better to do some reconnaissance. The human isn't going anywhere. I can always grab it later._ Then he began debating with himself how to best use Charlie as bait, and whether to drink from him or not. _I'd prefer to keep my pallet clean. The longer the wait, the stronger the thirst, the sweeter the morsel will taste. I want to be able to truly savour this._

"Can we outrun him?" Bella asked.

 _Seems unlikely at this point._

Emmett pictured me running with Bella at my top speed.

Yes in a way Emmett had an idea, but as a tracker James would always find us no matter where we went. There might be some ways to confuse him, but long term?

"No."

And certainly in this truck, which was slower than any vampire. I pushed my foot on the accelerator anyway anxious to get home, but the truck only whined.

 _If Edward's driving and that tracker decides to attack the truck, Edward might need me. If I'm there, I can fight him off while Edward gets her to safety. Alice can take care of herself. She'll see him coming anyway._ With that Emmett decided to come be with us.

Emmett was right about Alice in a way, but leaving Alice alone made me nervous after seeing what James had done to other vampires. At the same time, I couldn't disagree with Emmett's assessment. My need to protect Alice and Bella were for the first time warring with each other. As Bella was more fragile, she had to be the priority, but I couldn't help giving more of my attention to James in case he went for Alice.

Bella turned to look behind us when Emmett jumped onto the bed letting out a shrieking scream.

I instantly covered her mouth. That didn't help.

 _Perfect!_ He pulled up an image of our position down to the inch.

Not to mention that it hurt my ears.

 _Man, I had forgotten that human girls can scream like that_ and a human memory of one of Emmett's sisters filled his mind.

"It's Emmett!"

I released her mouth and she grabbed my arm bringing it around her waist.

She sure was holding onto me tight for someone saying no. It was probably because of her trust that I would protect her.

"It's okay Bella. You're going to be safe." It seemed like she needed a distraction. I had often seen humans doing that for other humans when they were upset. "I didn't realize you were still so bored with small town life. It seemed like you were adjusting fairly well–especially recently. Maybe I was just flattering myself that I was making life more interesting for you." I tried to make my voice light and slightly teasing.

My words seemed to have confused James. He was mulling them over.

"I wasn't being nice," she said in a low guilty tone as she looked at her knees. "That was the same thing my mom said when she left him. You could say I was hitting below the belt."

Ah, well that explained Charlie's reaction. She must really want to keep him safe. She obviously loved her father very much.

"Don't worry. He'll forgive you." I smiled a little.

I just wasn't certain at this point how well we could keep Charlie from being used as a pawn. If nothing else, her desire to keep the FBI from being called seemed successful. Would she count her attraction to me worth it if in the end her father was killed?

Alice didn't like driving, because then she couldn't use her gift. She was mentally ranting and raving at me trying to convince me that Emmett should drive the Jeep and acting as if I had power over the speed this truck went.

My statement had caught James' attention. _What's the reassurance all about? He's probably lying to her in his human pretence or keeping her calm. He couldn't possibly actually believe that she'll get to see her father again, well, certainly not unless I arranged the meeting. If he does, that's good to know, better even, that they're a bunch of fools. Their arrogance will make them easier to pick apart._

Bella stared at me with panic filling her eyes.

This was exactly what I was trying to protect her from when I told her in the beginning that it would be better if we weren't friends. Why oh why hadn't she listened to me?

"Bella, it's going to be all right," I claimed.

For all us Cullens' sake she would be safer if she were calmer in our presence. She smelled particularly scrumptious right now. How much I hated myself for thinking these things. It made the similarities between James and I even more apparent.

 _This really is disgusting. What a bunch of wamsy-pamsy things to say to a meal no less. Ridiculous!_

"But it won't be all right when I'm not with you," she whispered.

Could she truly feel that way? It seemed like too much to hope for. Because it was _exactly_ as I was feeling. It was also confusing since just moments earlier she had said no to me.

 _If any of my snacks said that I'd want to shut them up. How does he stand it? Has acting human made him forget that she's food? Impossible.  
_

"We'll be together again in a few days," I whispered back the longing for her evident in my voice even though I tried to hide it.

I tightened my arm around her. This seemed to help her. I could hear her heartbeat settling, her breathing calming, and the adrenaline reducing. If reassuring her that I would be there to protect her, to keep her safe was what she needed to feel calmer then I would give it to her gladly. Even if we were no longer courting, I would still protect her.

 _He's a good liar. I'll give him that. Even I can't hear the lie. Could he be telling her the truth? No way. Although, if he particularly enjoys playing with this one, it might increase the chances of getting him to play the game I want._

 _Dude! How does you holding her and saying that calm her? Shouldn't she be more scared right now?_ Emmett's thoughts kept going round and round trying to make sense of Bella's irrational reaction.

I was glad that I wasn't the only one to think Bella crazy.

"Don't forget that this was your idea," I reminded Bella in a normal tone.

I didn't know if I was attempting to reassure her or me more. I honestly wasn't sure I could stand a few days. But I had promised myself that if she said no, then I would be a gentleman and walk away. This was my chance to live out that promise.

"It was the best idea–of course it was mine," she replied.

Alice and Emmett snickered quietly.

I smiled bleakly.

 _Really? They're following the human's plan? They're even weaker than I thought or are they allowing her to believe they're following her plan? No way a battle-hardened warrior would allow his coven's movements to be dictated by a human. No. It must be another lie. But even to allow a human to think they are equal in some way just shows they are weaker than I initially estimated. They've become too soft by spending their time around humans. I wonder what it is about this morsel that would allow them to give it such an illusion instead of putting it in its place immediately. There must be something special about it, just like the black-haired one that got away. Only this time I won't be beaten. I learned my lesson well. How do I make sure they don't turn this prize before I can get to it? I need to be careful. Lull them into a false sense of security so they don't act rashly. I rushed in too quickly that time._

Him underestimating us was a good thing, but I still felt distraught. On a good note, he didn't want Bella to be turned either. It was the smallest of silver linings in this travesty. I wasn't sure how I felt about the fact that James and I were in agreement, while Alice and I were at odds.

"Why did this happen? Why me?" Bella sounded genuinely distraught.

The two of us distraught together. It was an odd thing to share, but I still liked it when we shared things in common. I stared at the road ahead. It wasn't her fault, not really, not in anyway that she could help. Like always, she hadn't done anything wrong.

 _Such like a human thinking their special. How many times have a heard them ask that question? Meal-on-wheels as I read once. Convenience. That's all this is. There's always a new game. The trick is to savour the moments._

"It's my fault–I was a fool to expose you like that." I tried to contain my rage as not to scare Bella again.

I meant to say it quieter, but failed.

 _Why would he apologise? Is this coven some twisted group that has forgotten that we are superior to humans in every way?_ He began running through scenarios of what that could mean to his strategy, then something occurred to him. _Hum, I wonder … perhaps he has taken her on as a lover? All the pieces fit. Wouldn't be my game, but I've heard of a guy who was into that in South America. Would the leader really allow an incubus in their coven? Why not? Since they stay close enough to humans, it might help sell their story. Have one sweet morsel for a while and when he gets tired of that one savour its nectar. He could have the pick of the human females that way. He's young looking enough to get away with it._

His thoughts were repulsive in context, but unfortunately closer in Bella and my connection. It gave him tactical information I hadn't meant for him to have.

 _If she's willing already .._ then he began to replace what he had imaged I did with Bella with himself.

It took all my strength to stay here next to Bella, to drive, and to not roar.

Emmett noticed my change. _What is it bro?_

I shook my head infinitesimally hoping Bella didn't notice. She would ask all the wrong kinds of questions.

"That's not what I meant. I was there, big deal. It didn't bother the other two. Why did this James decide to kill _me?_ There're people all over the place, why me?"

I heard James internally chuckle while his mental pictures grew more sordid.

It was a good question. It was exactly the kind of question I didn't want to have to answer. It was exactly the type of question Bella liked to ask. And it was a welcomed distraction from what I wanted to do to James. I thought about how to answer. I checked James distance from us and guessed at his capacity to hear the conversation.

I spoke quietly enough into her ear that it would be below his hearing range at his distance. "I got a good look at his mind tonight. I'm not sure if there's anything I could have done to avoid this, once he saw you. It was partially your fault. If you didn't smell so appallingly luscious, he might not have bothered. But when I defended you … well, that made it a lot worse. He's not used to being thwarted, no matter how insignificant the object. He thinks of himself as a hunter and nothing else. His existence is consumed with tracking, and a challenge is all he asks of life. Suddenly we've presented him with a beautiful challenge– a large clan of strong fighters all bent on protecting the one vulnerable element. You wouldn't believe how euphoric he is now. It's is favourite game, and we've just made it his most exciting game ever."

My statement wasn't entirely truthful, but enough with some elements thrown in hopefully to reassure her that we would win. In so many ways he represented the worst part of myself. I remembered my hunting days. I certainly was never thwarted. Once I picked a prey I would always take it no matter how long it took. I was patient and already accustomed to denying my thirst. In fact, the thrill of the chase was almost as rewarding as the soothing caress of the blood over my fire scorched throat. None of my family members were like that, not even Jasper. Jasper killed conveniently. He knew no other way. He didn't hunt in the way that I did or James was doing. I had tried to leave that all behind when I came back to Carlisle and Esme and now it was tracking us.

No, I was only vampire in existence that knew I did not have to be a murderer, but chose to be anyway. I was the only one in my family who hunted prey in a careful systematic way always taking my time to choose the prey that I determined deserved death. The irony was not lost on me that I was now attempting to protect a human from the type of hunter I once was. For a split second I entertained the notion that in protecting her from James, I was in fact protecting Bella from myself, but I dismissed it. Because the biggest difference between James and I was that even when I hunted I had chosen scum. James chose based on what would give him the greatest thrill.

 _One that he will lose, brother. Between our gifts, strength, and trainings he won't have a chance to get near Bella._

 _Come on Edward can't you get more out of that engine? When we get back, we're doing something about Bella's truck._

"But if I had stood by, he would have killed you right then," I continued. Or someone else.

In a way it didn't matter to him who he killed, although he seemed to relish in the idea of tasting Bella's sweet essence. What mattered was the thrill of out manoeuvring us. It seemed that everything was against Bella and I. I mean, really, what are the chances? Maybe we, like Romeo and Juliet, were destined to be nothing more than tragic.

"I thought … I didn't smell the same to the others … as I do to you," she said hesitantly.

 _I missed something. They told her that she smells good? They must be trying to keep things from me. I shouldn't have allowed myself to get sloppy._ He got slightly closer while his mind indicated that he was focusing his senses towards us.

I responded to Bella in a slightly low voice, one that hopefully sounded like a conspirator, but James could still hear. In this way I hoped to have him back up again. "You don't. But that doesn't mean that you aren't still a temptation to every one of them. If you _had_ appealed to the tracker–or any of them–the same way you appeal to me, it would have meant a fight right there."

She shuddered.

Fortunately James' mental images stopped. _What does he mean by that? Another lie? He couldn't possibly find her as appealing as he's implying and have her still alive. No. He must be saying that to lay groundwork for whatever game he's playing with her or whatever he has planned for her in the future. Why tell the morsel how delicious the scent is that it gives off? Would a human find that a compliment? It's a clever lie and way to feed its human desire to believe itself special. I wouldn't have thought of it. I'll give him that._

I pondered the choices in front of us once again.

"I don't think I have any choice but to kill him now. Carlisle won't like it."

This statement was made more to my siblings than Bella. I hoped it also reinforced James idea that we were weak and confused him in our family's workings by deferring to Carlisle in this way. No other vampire in the history of the world worked so hard at resisting violence like Carlisle did. It would make Carlisle look weak in James' eyes, when in fact Carlisle was one of the strongest creatures I have ever met, but truth wasn't the point here.

 _Carlisle? Which one was he?_ He ran back through the introductions. _The spokesperson? Why would that one get a say?_ He considered the chance that Carlisle was actually the coven leader. _No way a warrior would fight for a yellow-belly weakling like the spokesperson. Maybe this whole coven's game is making it look like the spokesperson is the leader to those outside of the coven including the humans. Especially to the humans, it would sell their lies better. That's probably why the warrior allows the spokesperson the position he does. It allows them to keep the location._

Emmett's thoughts were already pumped for a fight.

Alice didn't like it, but she hadn't thought of another way yet either based on what she had already seen.

I had meant what I had said; we had no choice than to end him. Carlisle would be displeased. Carlisle went out of his way to make friends and have others feel welcomed. Defending oneself was one thing, but going up against someone with the intent of ending them … I hoped he wouldn't object. We all lived by Carlisle's code and tried to never go against it, but I truly saw no other alternative at this point.

We were getting close to the house, James still close by, and Victoria shadowing him probably over a mile away. I haven't ever been more grateful to be with my family or to Alice and Emmett who had spent the majority of their mental resources on keeping Bella safe. I couldn't ask for a better sister or brother, but as I began to hear the thoughts of the rest of my family I realized that I would ask that of them and more if it meant keeping Bella alive.


	53. Chapter 53: And Then There Were Two

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. The dialogue that comes from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun remains hers.**

 **WARNING: James is not a good guy and his thoughts are unpleasant. Nothing graphic is described, however.**

* * *

 _He seems like an amicable fellow. It will, most likely, be difficult for him to transition over after so many years on human blood, much like Jasper. With support it would be feasable. After all those years, he's bound to find the idea of humans being sentient hard to believe. It's hard to kill and consume that which you haven't first objectified. It can be a difficult transition from seeing another creature as food to a being worth respecting. Even Jasper doesn't really respect humans, not yet. He has other motivations for staying vegetarian, primarily Alice. How could Laurent be motivated? He seems tired of the nomadic lifestyle. Perhaps the simple capacity to settle down, accrue possessions and a dwelling would be enough motivation. He doesn't seem to mean our family any harm. His reaction to Bella's scent was only natural for a human drinker, but he stopped himself and promised not to hunt in the area. What about James?_

The memory of when Carlisle knew James and Victoria were no longer running with them towards the house went through his mind. _Neither frustration, nor annoyance, nor concern are going to help the situation or Jasper who assuredly is also upset at them going their own way. I suppose we could trace their scent. I doubt that would be helpful. They're liable to take that as an act of aggression. No reason to provoke an unnecessary conflict. They probably went to find Bella, as James seemed startled and curious at Edward's reaction. Not to mention that Laurent gave his word that they wouldn't hunt in the area. No one bar Maria has ever dared challenge that. There are few Marias in the world, thank goodness. Nevertheless, just in case James means Bella harm Emmett, Alice, and Edward will keep her safe. It would be better to be at the house as none of us have our phones._ Then the memory ended.

 _It would seem that James and Victoria have no interest in our lifestyle, but surely they will respect our wishes and leave the humans alone in our area including Bella. Edward did react severely to James. Can we trust James and Victoria to follow Laurent's word? Even without Laurent stating that they would, there's no reason to believe that Bella's in danger._

Carlisle was also warning me mentally that Laurent was acceptable. He had done such a warning a few times before, like when he had changed Esme and Rosalie. It reminded me of an emergency broadcast message. A small part of his brain had made the message and was repeating it over and over in the background of his thoughts knowing I would pay attention to it when I got into range.

Esme was fretting. _Oh, I hope that they're all right. What's taking them so long? Hope nothing happened. I'm sure they're fine._ Her mind conjured images of James attacking us and then us easily defending ourselves. _Alice and Edward are a good team. They'll keep each other as well as Emmett out of trouble._ She pictured Bella shaking terrified with hers eyes large clinging on to me. Then there was a flash of Emmett lunging at Bella. _Emmett wouldn't … no … he hasn't slipped in years and he knows Bella is Edward's. Couldn't be that. Where could they be? I didn't like the look of that James._ The picture her mind created of him was sinister with some similarities to how Charles looked before he raised a hand to her. _Carlisle is probably hoping for a peaceful situation, but James didn't seem like the peaceful type. He had a restlessness about him that was unnerving._ She painted a picture of our family united together pulling James apart and burning the pieces while I stood protecting Bella from witnessing his end. _It would be a shame, but Carlisle had been clear that she was with us. Hopefully it won't come to that, though._ She imagined Carlisle talking to Victoria who agrees to leave the area, then James stands looking at all of us and decides to also leave. _Victoria did seem flighty. She might be hard to pin down in order to have a conversation with. I know they have to feed, but they can't have Bella. Perhaps the best solution would be to change Bella. Alice sees it anyway, Bella would be safe, and then James would have no reason to come at us saving our family from the weight of taking another's life._ Her mind was filled with a red-eyed Bella being a member of our family. _  
_

Rosalie was furious. _Stupid Carlisle with his unlimited compassion and insistence of converting everyone. Can't he just let others live their life the way they want to? No, he has to bring them into the house, try to make them feel welcome, show them hospitality. What if they were the vampire version of a serial killer or someone who gets kicks out of torturing little human children? It's not like there's only bad humans in the world. Doesn't he care about what these strangers might do to me, to Esme, to us? Why does he have to always assume the best in others? It's not like this reject deserves his kindness. When is Emmett going to get back? I know he's strong and can look out for himself, but … I need him here with me._ She kept repeating the mantra that he could take care of himself in the back of her mind. More than anything she detested me. For her, this danger was even worse than all our previous Bella table conferences, even worse than possible exposure. This was real life and death over bringing a stupid human girl to a Cullen baseball game. She ranted and raved at how irresponsible and immature I had been, how I didn't love my family, and how she tried to warn everyone but I was too much of a spoiled brat for Carlisle or Esme to say no to.

 _Curiosity, confusion, envy … Rosalie's like a kettle about to boil over with rage … she'll hate it if I help her out … she can control herself. I've never seen her lose it. I'm sure Alice is all right. She can take care of herself. I'm not surprised Victoria and James left. They probably went to track the Jeep. Hopefully Edward didn't convince them to run and they'll be back soon. No, Alice wouldn't leave me without warning. … We should have ended this coven in the field. Victoria's emotions were a steady stream of fear and anxiety; it was like our version of the paranoia I learned that humans can have. When Edward defended Bella James was jubilant, aroused, and there was anticipation. He's probably a hunter. Just humans or also vampires? He seemed more skilled at evasion than most vampires I'm met. … Alice is fine. She'll see him coming. What was the vision that she saw before she left the field? He was ecstatic and she was terrified. Most likely Bella's death by his hands. … If Carlisle weren't so darn kind and compassionate. This is tactically unwise. Invite one of the coven into our home while the two others are most likely on the hunt for a human that my wife is protecting._

I had never been more grateful to hear their minds as it brought me great comfort, while simultaneously their thoughts startled me into a great sadness. As much as I had changed these weeks and how much more like Carlisle I had become, I could never be him. In so many ways, he was still the preacher's son evangelizing and I was the son of a lawyer certain that the right thing to do was to fight to protect those I loved. Carlisle was persuasive and created calmness simply in his demeanour. His charms took in nearly all that had met him, including the Volturi. Not to mention that he has a knack of reading situations and others. His campaign might be a moral and righteous one, but both Rosalie and Jasper had good points. I had always wondered if he might have come across a vampire like James when he was a nomad. Perhaps, but the likes of James would have left the field if it had been just Carlisle. With a family and claiming territory the stakes were different. Carlisle understood that and had acted accordingly, while at the same time our family had never encountered a vampire who was a hunter like James.

For someone like James, I had to agree with Jasper. Leaving the field in the formations that we did had been tactically unwise and although there were four of them and physically Rosalie might be safe, there were the emotional and psychological implications that hadn't been considered. At the same time, Carlisle's intentions couldn't have been better. His first priority had been Bella simply because we could be put back together and she could not. How could I fault him for his compassion and innate desire to protect her? If we had fought on the field, someone would have gotten hurt according to Alice's visions. Not to mention that no other nomads that we had met enjoyed the challenge of hunting their own kind. There were those that claimed territory and would destroy any who challenged it. Nomads defended their food and themselves sure, but James had taken it to the next level.

The thought that he could have hurt Esme or Rosalie boiled the venom running through my veins. Maybe it was the part of me that had hunted scum and had an intense dislike for those who hurt women that wanted him dead. Perhaps it was the mental images of how he imagined hurting the women I loved that was fuelling me. What was certain was that I wanted the monster ended and the sooner the better. I might not be a tracker, but I had been a hunter. And one thing I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt: hunters were dangerous monsters deserving of nothing else but death.

Carlisle could have never known James' thoughts and in any other circumstances I would have been the one to stand next to him and warn us. He would never jeopardize any of us, Rosalie included despite her fears, but what if James had continued with them? Carlisle had done what was tactically best at the field with the information he had, but what if it had ended up three against four in our home with James enacting one of his sick games against Rosalie or Esme? Would they have been able to dismember the coven without any of us getting hurt? What might have been the cost to us of leaving the field as we had? He had risked us all for Bella's sake, for my sake. I had been so consumed with Bella's safety that I hadn't considered Esme's or Rosalie's. Not only had I risked Bella's life, but I had risked the welfare of my family simply to have a girl watch me play baseball. The guilt that overcame me was crippling. I was incised at myself and the only solution was to have James be a pile of ash. Then, the women I loved would be safe again and I would have to stop this foolishness with Bella because Rosalie was right. My selfishness was putting us all at risk.

"How can you kill a vampire?" Bella asked jarring me.

Her voice was a welcomed relief from my musings until the question registered. I should have seen that question coming. Another thing I really didn't want to have to tell her, but any attempt on my part to avoid the question she wouldn't appreciate, and after her safety, keeping her calm was my priority.

 _Really? She wants to know that? What for? It's not like she's strong enough to be able defend herself or anything. Good. We're almost home. I need to see how Rosalie's doing; she rarely appreciates unknown visitors, especially if they're males. No reason to worry, though, Jasper's there. He could dismember them all before any of them attempted anything._

 _Jasper's probably worried. I won't have time to explain. There should be time on the road trip, though. He can be patient. It'll be fine._ She took the two seconds she needed to check.

 _The toy knows about us? I wonder if they're planning on consuming it or turning it. There would be no fun if they turned it. How to use this to my advantage?_ His mind conjured a scenario where he convinced Bella to come to him willingly and then all the things he was going to do to her since he imagined she was already accustomed to being a vampire's lover.

My reaction was feral with an internal roar of _Mine!_ but as I suspected this would only put Bella in more danger, I contained myself. Emmett was drilling holes in the back of my head though. Fortunately he didn't say anything.

 _They're most likely heading to their permanent dwelling to coordinate. I wonder if Laurent is there with them since he was running with the spokesperson. Probably. He'd probably buy into settling down. He's a smooth talker, other than that he didn't have much value. Can I count on his assistance?_

Carlisle's thoughts continued, _There are enough of us if it came to that, but surely there must be another way._ Then strategies of how to protect our family came to his mind. _Unquestionably James is an intelligent fellow. He must know that if he attacked our family, we would be forced to defend ourselves. I'm certain he could be brought to see reason. Like nomads that we've met before, he might not agree with how we live our lives, but undoubtedly he wouldn't wish to challenge our family._

I focused on Bella's question trying to rid my mind of the filth James wanted to do to my angel. Victoria's inner voice was so weak and intermittent that it was easy to set aside, not that it had told me much anyway.

"The only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces," I explained to Bella.

At least this told James that we knew how to do it, even if he saw us as weak. Maybe that was something.

Neither Alice nor Emmett believed that I had answered Bella truthfully. Somehow they had both assumed that I would lie in some way–dupe James out or mislead him, lull him into a false sense of security.

 _As I expected with a coven leader like theirs._ James' thoughts confirmed my assumptions.

It was irritating in this case that I had been right so much. I would have rather been wrong.

"And the other two will fight with him?" Bella asked.

Even with Carlisle's broadcast message, I still doubted that Laurent would turn on James, although certainly James considered Laurent disposable. Carlisle had never led us astray. If he said Laurent wasn't a threat, then I would trust his assessment.

 _That's generally how covens work_ both Alice and Emmett thought in their own unique ways.

 _Naturally. That pansy owes me._

Carlisle's thoughts began to re-examine the situation, particularly focusing on Laurent.

Esme continued to fret and then try to calm herself.

Rosalie seemed to be getting increasingly agitated.

Jasper was engaging his mind in strategies and contingencies as an attempt to distract himself from his longing for Alice.

"The woman will. I'm not sure about Laurent. They don't have a very strong bond–he's only with them for convenience. He was embarrassed by James in the meadow …" I explained to Bella.

Both Alice and Emmett were appreciative to know that. It shifted for both of them what they imagined what might happen, while Alice also used it to refine her search of future might-bes.

Hopefully my bit of information would cause James to fall back even more and, assuming that Victoria was still willing to cooperate with him, convene with her thereby giving our family the space needed to strategise and regroup.

 _If he can read intention, how accurate is it?_ Realizing that his focus had been so entirely on our family and Bella that he had failed to pay attention to Laurent, he replayed the interaction at the field, and decided that I was probably right. _That defector always had a liking for fine human things. Pointless items. Why would anyone care what some cattle created or the clothes that they wear? But he had an interest in that stuff. They probably used all their human stuff to convince him to leave Victoria and I behind. Ungrateful cretin. Still, he might be useful in the future unless he sides with these yellow-bellies. I doubt he will, though. He knows better than to stand in the way of my hunt._

"But James and the woman–they'll try to kill you?" Her voice was shaking as these words came out even though she was trying to be calm.

 _No toy. I will not try. I will. I will decimate anything that chooses to get between us._ His tone was territorial as if he had claimed her.

As much as I disliked admitting it, I had been similar when I had hunted humans. Once I choose a prey nothing got in my way. I often chose to be patient to get my pray alone so none others would atone for his crimes, while James enjoyed the obstacles placed between himself and his prey heightening the experience for him.

To take my mind off those thoughts I focused on Bella's question. I could not understand her reaction. There were two of them and seven of us. There wasn't much to worry about. Emmett's thoughts nearly echoed mine.

 _They really are meant to be. Even as a human she is responding as I would if Jasper was threatened._

Carlisle's, Esme's, Rosalie's, and Jasper's thoughts were still along the same lines, which reassured me. At least I could count on my family to be themselves.

"Bella, don't you _dare_ waste time worrying about me. Your only concern is to keeping yourself safe and–please, please–trying not to be reckless." I beseeched her.

This of course sped up her heart again, but at least the rest of her was almost back to regular levels including her scent.

 _There he goes reassuring his toy again. That makes no sense. Is he trying to calm her? What for? They taste better scared. Maybe he's keeping it for later. That would improve things for me. Instead of taking it now in order to keep it from me, he's waiting certain I won't succeed. He must wish to keep it as his toy for a while, a few years probably. Scrumptious. That will be wonderful motivation for him to play._

 _Why do boys always say this?_ Alice pondered. _Of course we're going to worry. We love them._

Alice's thoughts made little sense at the moment, but I figured I could ask her at a later date.

"Is he still following?" Bella asked concerned.

 _It's scared of me but not of him? That will help make it taste just the way I want once I corner it for my pleasure._

 _Of course he's still following. He's a tracker. Hopefully he'll give us some space once we're close to the house, though._

I was pleased that Emmett's and my thoughts were on the same page.

Interestingly Bella's body didn't have any reaction to this question. Hopefully her lack of fear was because of her certainty of my capacity to protect her.

"Yes. He won't attack the house, though. Not tonight." And as Victoria seemed to shadow James but keep even further from us, the same could be said about Victoria. However, giving Bella two things to worry about seemed cruel.

 _That had been my intention. This proves my suspicion. Interesting._

I appreciated his confirmation. He was highly intelligent. He was going to do recon and surveillance. Bella didn't need to worry.

I turned into our drive. Alice was still right behind us.

 _Thank goodness Emmett is almost home._ Rosalie noted as soon as she picked up the slightest sound of the Jeep.

Laurent's thoughts came in clearly. _They really live very differently. I'm not sure it's for me though. I wouldn't want to give up human blood, but perhaps there's an advantage lifestyle wise. He has a point there. Nomadic life has gotten monotonous in many ways. It would be nice to have different challenges._

Soon after we came close enough I could pick up their conversation.

 _Could that be them?_ Esme wondered.

"So that's when I decided to try things in America and relocated to this country. I've enjoyed the freedom I have found here. With a few choice documents it's not terribly difficult to acquire money. Naturally, however, the red eye colour is limiting. The golden allows us to blend in much easier. The only obstacles are our temperature, our lack of aging, and avoiding direct sunlight. We limit touching humans and when necessary claim circulatory problems. With the aging we move about every 8-10 years, but if you were in a more human sparse location that wouldn't be as necessary. And we live in locations that get little sunlight like here in Forks or away from human eyes like the Denali's do."

"Yes, I can see how that might work. It is all very interesting. Very different from any thing else I've ever encountered on my travels."

 _The one who defended the toy was right. What a ridiculous waste of a vampire! Settle down and play human. No wonder Laurent charmed so many, he already had half a foot into that farce!_ As James continued to rant about Laurent his thoughts became slightly more distant. _That yellow-belly is still talking … persuasion through conversation … Laurent and him would get along well … even in their home the leader doesn't speak up … why didn't the leader get rid of Laurent already? … he would be a threat … why allow a threat to leave and to tell others so much about yourself? … he must be confident in his numbers … well he's going to find himself wrong._

Victoria's inner voice was gone entirely.

But then James came back in closer staying just at the edge of what my ears could pick up. It sounded like he was going round our property paying attention to the patterns of our scents.

I was relieved that Emmett and my guess had proven correct.

 _Jesus, Mary, and Joseph why in all tarnation are they driving Bella's waste of a truck. No wonder it look them so long._ Despite everything, or perhaps in an attempt to calm herself, Rosalie then began guessing at all the things wrong with Bella's truck and how she could fix it. It was a welcomed relief from her tirade.

Carlisle chuckled. "Well that's not surprising. There are few that hold my views or proclivities. However, there is another group similar to ours in Denali, Alaska. They came to have similar views as our own via another way, but we share much of the same desire to be a part of human society without consuming from them. Although, given their location, their interactions with humans are significantly less than we have this far south. Consequently, they haven't had to move since they first acquired the property."

 _They don't consume humans? What?_ James' mind seemed to round in circles unable to absorb the information.

The fact that he could hear slightly further than me was an important tidbit.

 _Perhaps. There is some attraction, but I do enjoy a good bouquet and animal blood simply does not sound appetizing._

 _Oh thank goodness._ Jasper's relief to have Alice near was obvious in this tone. _And Bella's truck. That must be what took them so long_ _. Alice must have seen something having to do with Charlie. He is an officer of human laws after all and could potentially expose us._

 _We really are odd, but I won't have it any other way. I am so grateful we don't live like most of our kind._

I was pleased that Esme's thoughts had reduced in worry and fear knowing we were coming home. I scolded myself for not considering what running away with Bella would have done to Esme.

"Please continue your story. I'm very interested," Laurent told Carlisle.

 _Of course he is. After all the years I allowed him a place in my coven, this is how he repays me?_

"I would be happy to, however, our Jeep is coming up the drive now. Perhaps it would be best to put this on hold for the moment?" _Please behave yourself Edward. I appreciate your need to keep Bella safe, but I urge you not to do anything that might ignite trouble that is unnecessary. I need that cool collected head of yours._

"Certainly," Laurent replied. _I hope the rest of the coven is as agreeable as Carlisle. The one that defended the human didn't seem very reasonable at the time, but certainly as the coven leader Carlisle will keep them in line._

Everyone's thoughts were on edge while I drove Bella's truck as fast as possible right up to the house.

Emmett had been mentally preparing himself to protect Bella against Laurent as soon as Emmett had heard Laurent's voice talking to Carlisle. He opened the passenger door before I stopped the truck, pulled Bella from her seat, tucked her into his chest, and ran her into the house.

Alice stopped the Jeep right behind me with us both behind him.

 _Determination, brotherly affection, desire to protect, anticipation, excitement … Fear, sadness, concern, worry, anxiety … Determination, fear, self-loathing, frustration, anxiety … Determination, sisterly love, relief, appreciation, worry …_

Emmett began growling a low warning at Laurent as he set Bella down next to me.

 _I'm not sure what happened, but I'm glad to see Emmett be protective of Bella,_ Carlisle decided.

 _It is so sweet so see Emmett behave in such a brotherly way. Alice doesn't need a protective big brother like Bella. She really is becoming a part of the family so easily, well apart from Rose. Change is difficult for Rose. I do hope she can warm to Bella at least a little._

 _Not him too,_ Rosalie whined.

"He's tracking us," I let everyone know calmly and at a human pace while I glared at Laurent, which I hoped conveyed to James how human we behaved even in our home and would add to his underestimation of us.

 _Yes. He is not as trusting of outsiders as Carlisle,_ Laurent decided. _Certainly, they would not harm me now. There sure are a lot of them._

James' thoughts had been attempting to reconcile the fact that we don't consume humans until the consequences of that choice came to him. _The defender must be planning on changing the toy then. No wonder he wants to keep it around for some time. The more years till the change the more use he will get out of it. Maybe there are other females that he already turned out there that I could find and take from him. On a good note, he'll most certainly be willing to play the game I want him to. This will be exhilarating!_

 _A tracker?_ Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, and Rosalie mentally gasped at different times creating an echo in my mind.

Jasper was the first to think of strategies on how to capture a tracker. Most of them required careful intricate planning, the rest seemed to happen more out of chance.

Both Esme and Rosalie were upset. Esme distraught and Rosalie livid at what I had brought to our family.

Emmett was keeping an eye on Laurent refusing to budge from his place as part of Bella's protection detail while he also was mentally weighing up how Rosalie was doing.

Carlisle was irritatingly calm. _That's unfortunate. It would seem that he is more interested in Bella and Edward's reaction than for its novelty. Him being a tracker does make it more difficult to hide Bella or eventually trick him so that he'll be discouraged in continuing his desire of Bella. I wonder if he is easily distracted. Perhaps it wouldn't take long for him to go off and find something else to do? I wonder if Laurent could reason with him. Perhaps he could see that we meant what we said and that we intend him no harm?_

Laurent frowned. "I was afraid of that," he stated at the human pace in which I had spoken. Laurent's thoughts went back to wondering at our lifestyle and then changed remembering the years with James. From Laurent's eyes, James looked even more formidable than James saw himself. _Perhaps if I give them some information, they'll allow me to leave unencumbered._

 _Maybe Laurent can scare them a bit and be of some use after all._

A variation of _that's not good_ went through Carlisle's, Esme's, Rosalie's, and then Jasper's minds.

Carlisle began formulating possible ways to reason with James, while Jasper began formulating possible ways to trap him.

 _Trackers are difficult to stop. Their gift often gives them an ability to focus on their intended prey without distraction. Alice can't lose Bella. Would there be some way to convince Carlisle to change her?_

Alice bounded over to Jasper and whispered for him to follow her. They bolted up to their room together.

Rosalie watched them, and then came over to Emmett. His mere physical presence had relieved her tremendously until I stated that James was a tracker. In her incensed state she seemed to need his proximity. Incredibly she was even more furious that Bella was here. She kept cursing me at an extremely high volume internally. The only other time I remembered that trumped was when she had just woken up from her transformation.

Rosalie moving closer to Emmett soothed his worries about her. _I've got you baby girl. You're safe. I'm not going to let anything happen to you,_ Emmett kept almost broadcasting as if Rosalie were a telepath. Perhaps it was a mate thing.

 _We can't lose Bella just when Edward's found love. Why does it seem like life is particularly difficult for Edward?_ Esme asked herself in a curious but sad tone.

"What will he do?" Carlisle asked Laurent.

Many images of what James had done to others flipped through his mind.

 _Decimate your coven and take what you claim as yours,_ James declared.

The family's thoughts stilled slightly giving Laurent's answer their attention.

"I'm sorry. I was afraid, when your boy there defended her, that it would set him off."

 _Yes, tell them what they need to know so that they will play my game._

I watched myself through Laurent's memory. At the moment I had first begun to move Laurent's thoughts had been, _No, please don't. James will see it as a challenge._

I had been so focused on James that Laurent's thoughts hadn't caught my attention. I wasn't sure if it would have made a difference as James had already begun to see our family as a possible coven to challenge after Carlisle urged them not to hunt in the area. Nevertheless, Carlisle had been right. I had overreacted. I could have defended Bella with less intensity. Other than my victims, no other's memory had ever painted me so viciously as had Laurent's.

 _Yes, well, he's been like that since he stopped her from dying by the van. He's very protective of her. It's good for him to have taken an interest in humans again instead of merely tolerating them. What happened with Nick was hard on him. I just wished it hadn't triggered James. Could that mean that James wants Bella simply because we would protect her? Many of our kind like to play games and pick particular things they like to do more than others. Could it be possible that these are James' preferences? That wouldn't bode well._ Carlisle's tone became weary and heavy.

Upstairs Alice was packing clothes for her and Jasper, while Jasper grabbed items he believed to be critical strategically.

He never asked her one question. His unequivocal trust in her was incredible. He had, naturally, sampled her emotions and as determination had been at the top he forgo any strategy he had and followed her lead, trusting her gift implicitly. It was incredible to witness. His mind was replaying the moment when I defended Bella and moving the images back in time. When he seemed satisfied he concluded, _No, Laurent's wrong. James' emotions began shifting after Laurent committed to not hunting in the area. Edward probably responded to a hunting scenario that came to James' mind._

I couldn't ask for better brothers.

 _You can't expect a man not to defend the woman he loves. Who knows what that vile James was thinking anyway? I'm sure Edward had good reason._ In complete contrast to Laurent's mental picture Esme's mental image made me look appropriate and justified.

I would never know how Esme saw me the way that she did.

 _Of course this is Edward's fault. Ever since that mentally mute tramp crossed paths with our Eddie boy, he has caused more trouble than in his whole existence as a Cullen. Not to mention he won't see reason. I tried to talk Carlisle and Alice out of it, but no. This new toy of Edward's is fine to include because he's Carlisle's and Esme's beloved son._ Rosalie's rant continued.

If Bella hadn't been standing here, I probably would have launched myself at Rosalie at the point when she called Bella a tramp. She could be mad at me all she wanted, but Bella was innocent. I chalked my reaction as coming from the stress of the situation and held my position of protecting Bella from Laurent.

 _Rosalie's upset. She needs me._ Emmett seemed to be waiting for her cue that she was ready for him to touch her.

"Can you stop him?" Carlisle directed at Laurent.

Images upon images of others attempting to stop James flashed through James' and Laurent's minds.

Laurent shook his head. "Nothing stops James when he gets started." Memories began to flow again.

My concern for my family was minor in comparison to how it was after seeing all the things Laurent had witnessed James do. In many of the memories Laurent believed James had gone too far, but had been too afraid of James to say anything.

 _That's right. Good man. Make it clear that they have no option but to play._

 _That's certainly not good for us. If James is in that mindset, there might be nothing I could say that would stop him or get him to change his mind._

Esme's concerns grew. She tried to imagine what life would be like if she lost one of her children or Carlisle. The dark placed that her mind went reminded me of where it used to go when she was first transformed and she thought about her deceased son.

 _Edward was probably trying to ward James off whatever idea he had, but instead it made him even more excited. He's probably itching to come through us to get to Bella._

How Jasper's thoughts could be so on target astounded me even after all these years.

"We'll stop him," Emmett promised.

James was internally laughing.

 _I wish for your sakes that were true, but you're underestimating James,_ Laurent lamented.

The family's thoughts were in agreement bar Rosalie. There were seven of us after all, we were decently trained, accustomed to working as one unit, and had lived to tell the tale of facing Maria in Calgary. We would defend our own. Rosalie's thoughts, on the other hand, stopped in their tracks at Emmett's vehement response. She found his desire to defend their family sexy and pictures of him naked filled her mind. At almost the same time her mind was filled with terror at the idea that no matter how slim the chance he could get hurt or worse killed. Shortly after her seething intensified. Rosalie thoughts were murderous.

 _At what cost? I couldn't bear it if we lost someone._ Esme's thoughts were twirling in a black hurricane fashion.

"You can't bring him down. I've never seen anything like him in the three hundred years. He's absolutely lethal. That's why I joined his coven." Laurent shook his head. He looked at Bella and then back to Carlisle.

James' internal laughter was chilling. _Good man. This will push them over the edge for sure. How exciting!_

 _He must have taken her as his lover,_ Laurent concluded. _I would be too afraid to break them. James always did. How he is intimate with this human without consuming her is beyond me. Must take practice. James sure wasn't ever able to do that. Wasn't anything that interested me anyway. He must be older than James or I to have that level of self-control. Not sure why they would go to all the trouble of protecting it, though. Even if they don't consume humans themselves, certainly one human isn't worth the havoc James will create in their lives, especially if they wish to keep their cover._

Vampires don't fall in love with humans. How could a superior creature love a lesser one? His perspective was that of the majority. Humans were still just cattle after all. Except to us Cullens and the Denalis.

 _You're mistaken. Us Cullen men would_ never _allow anything to happen to our women. He's got a lot to learn if that James thinks he's going to win this._

The lack of doubt in Emmett's thoughts reassured me. He was right. We were strong fighters and Jasper had trained us well.

 _Perhaps that might be true generally, but between our numbers and my children's gifts we would be able, although I'm disinclined to approve doing so._

"Are you sure it's worth it?" Laurent asked Carlisle.

I roared at him before I had even consciously chosen to do so.

James was absolutely delighted at my response. _Everything is falling into place._

Laurent cringed back.

 _Edward, my son,_ please, _get a hold of yourself,_ Carlisle pleaded.

 _Protectiveness, anger, fear, love … the bond is strengthening._

I had no idea what Jasper was on about.

 _If you don't stop being such an idiot I'm going to take you apart and leave your parts in separate drawers,_ warned Rosalie.

My mother internally gushed at what she saw as me defending my mate. _It'll be fine. There's enough of us and Edward is lethal if he needs to be. He took care of himself all those years. No. I don't need to worry._

Alice shook her head, and Jasper wondered if he needed to come down and assist in containing me. Alice grabbed what was probably his wrist and shook her head again.

Emmett mentally asked me if he should take Laurent.

I knew Carlisle wouldn't like that, so I worked at calming myself.

 _Oh, well, at least there's James,_ Emmett moaned. His reaction at fighting someone to the death surprised me.

Carlisle looked at Laurent gravely. "I'm afraid you're going to have to make a choice."

All of us Cullens waited for his response.

He deliberated for a moment. _It would be a shame to see the end of this coven. They seem very civilized. I wish for their sakes that there was some way to best James, but no matter who he has faced he has always won. Numbers won't protect them. Although I wish them no harm, I will not go against James. He has never done me wrong and I refuse to get on his bad side._ He looked at each of us and then at the living room itself. _It would be nice to have this. Being a nomad might work well for the likes of James century after century, but it's become old. I'm ready to try something new. Perhaps this is what I have been looking for._ Carlisle's description of our lifestyle as well as eating habits ran through his mind.

"I'm intrigued by the life you've created here. But I won't get in the middle of this. I bear none of you any enmity, but I won't go up against James. I think I will head north–to that clan in Denali." He paused. "Don't underestimate James. He's got a brilliant mind and unparalleled sense. He's every bit as comfortable in the human world as you seem to be, and he won't come at you head on … I'm sorry for what's been unleashed here. Truly sorry." He bowed his head. He had chosen his words carefully as if he predicted that James would be listening.

 _You gave them a little too much, but otherwise it was perfect. That will send them in so many directions not knowing where I'm coming from. Fantastic!_

 _Just great!_ Rosalie added to her litany of rages.

This information shifted Jasper's thoughts allowing for possibilities of him boarding airplanes, using computers, communicating with Victoria over telephones, and other such things that most nomads stayed clear from or were unfamiliar with.

On one hand I appreciated Laurent's respect for Carlisle by keeping at a human speaking pace as Carlisle had done. On the other hand I was irritated at both of them for including Bella in this assessment of James. There was no need to include her in conversations that would only create unnecessary fear in her. She had said no to me. One, as soon as she was safe she would be exiting my world. Two, there was no need to increase her adrenaline in a house of vampires. Three, why inform her about things she had no capacity to respond to?

He looked at Bella tasting her scent and mentally agreeing with his first assessment that it was sweet. _How can he be so near her and not want to sample? Does he not notice how sweet her scent is? Sweeter than most humans, in fact. It's a shame in a way that he won't share it. I would love a nip. Oh well. And the big one he carried her in and then growled protectively of her. How can he want to protect her? It's all very odd. I don't understand this coven at all. The most bizarre part is that despite how sweetly her blood calls to be taken they are not fighting amongst themselves to have her. Instead they are unifying in defence of her. It is the strangest coven I have met in all my years and I thought the Romanians were odd. Perhaps if I understood their relationship with humans, particularly this human, I could discover how to live the civil life they have managed to make for themselves._ As he left he was puzzled.

 _At least he saw reason,_ Carlisle mused.

 _One less, that's good for us,_ Esme decided.

"Go in peace," Carlisle formally replied the tone reminiscent of clergy sounding just as much as I imagined his father would have.

Laurent took another long look around and then hurried out the door. His thoughts were immediately on the Denalis and how he might give our lifestyle a try.

My family sighed a collective internal relief that it would only be two coming at us rather than three.

As if that was what James had been waiting for, his mental voice travelled further away presumably to meet up with Victoria. He went far enough that is was just at the edge of my receiving capacity staying there for a few moments while I wondered if that was coincidence or instinct on his part somehow, then he moved further still.

Carlisle weighed all that Laurent had said during their conversation while simultaneously playing it back for me so I would have all the facts.

"How close?" Carlisle asked me.

Alice looked.

Esme moved to the keypad and ordered the huge metal shutters down over the glass.

"About three miles out past the river; he's circling around to meet up with the female."

This was my best guess based on the last thoughts that had run through his mind and took into account the possibilities Alice had seen. Whatever James was leaning towards, all of them used Victoria in some way, some more than others. In some he shared Bella with her, in others he took Bella for himself.

 _Alice and you have found a possible way forward?_ Carlisle asked.

My eyes went to the ceiling, to the ground, and back up.

"What's the plan?" Carlisle asked out loud for the family's benefit still speaking at a human pace for Bella's I would assume.

 _We take him out!_ Emmett internally boomed.

Rosalie's, Jasper's, Esme's, and Carlisle's thoughts stilled some as they focused on what was to come next.

"We'll lead him off, and then Jasper and Alice will run her south," I told them all.

 _That might keep Bella safe temporarily, but it's not a long-term solution. We can't hold her up in a hotel room guarded for longer than a week or two before we'll need to hunt and there's not great selection of larger game in the south. I wonder if they've considered this long-term or perhaps Alice sees the possibility of things being resolved quickly._

 _I don't know how well I can do with Edward's human in the car with me. That's a small space and the scent will only intensify over time. I wonder why south. There's more danger there. The sunlight will make it difficult for movement. Could that possibly be why? Help contain them? But it will also contain us._

 _Of course Alice would see herself protecting Edward's human and taking her mate with her. That's convenient,_ Rosalie mentally spat.

 _I don't like the idea of splitting up the family. I wish we could stay together. I suppose that if Alice sees this as the best option then we should trust it, but I don't like it._

 _Rose will be fine. She can take care of herself._

 _Jazz grabbed the laptop and cash; clothes for the next couple of days; that should cover us. Gloves. Do I have shear gloves anywhere?_

"And then?" Carlisle asked still talking at a human pace.

I wasn't sure why he was insistent on involving Bella, but I would trust his judgement. He knew humans better than all of us combined.

 _We take him out! I know Carlisle's against violence, but come on. He wants my fragile little sister. Can't have that._

"As soon as Bella is clear, we hunt him." I said this with determination but sadness attempting to convey to Carlisle that I hadn't made this decision lightly.

 _Good riddance!_ Rosalie added.

Perhaps by saying this so Bella would hear it would reduce her fear. We would end him and she would be safe. I focused on Carlisle's reaction. No matter the plan, it wouldn't move forward without his approval. He trusted Alice's visions and my judgement, but could he trust us enough to be willing to end another creature's existence? We never had to do such a thing since he had turned me.

 _No. There has to be anther way. Edward has been acting particularly unusual and overreacting when it comes to Bella when he's usually much more level-headed. But Alice to agree … she must not have seen many good options. Edward did say James was a tracker. This must be the key. Hiding Bella or ourselves for long won't be feasible. In order to keep Bella alive, this must have been the only option. I don't like it. I wish there was another way. On the other hand, there is evil in this world. It's not our job to seek it out and remove it, but we have the right to keep those we love from harm. I cannot in good conscious permit someone to destroy our family or have us not protect Bella when it was us that exposed her to this danger. I could have told Alice and Edward not to have Bella there at the game. I don't like it and I wish there was another way, but if they don't see another possibility it leaves me with little choice._

"I guess there is no other choice." His face was grim, his voice filled with defeat.

I guess he wasn't as much as the pacifist as I thought him to be.

 _Calmness, compassion, reluctance, disappointment, resignation, determination …_ the tone of Jasper's thoughts suggested that he was impressed with Carlisle's inner state and decision.

 _So, when do we get this party started?_

Alice went through a metal checklist for the third time.

 _Things must be worse than Edward and Alice are letting on if we have no options other than to kill another being._

Esme's faith in me as well as her ability to read into the situation astounded me.

 _Maybe as things change we can find another way,_ Carlisle assured himself.

 _But that doesn't mean we should risk our necks to do it. This is unacceptable. If Edward wants to go kill something to protect his human that he shouldn't have brought in the first place, fine, but to get Carlisle to join him in this crusade is intolerable. No. This is not acceptable._

Alice took at quick look into the future. _Good. We'll take his car. Bella will need to eat. She'll need to sleep and do human stuff. Edward will give me the full run down. I can do this. It's just one human. If she's bound to be my best-friend, best start now._

I turned toward Rosalie.

"Get her upstairs and trade clothes," I stated while staring at her pleading.

 _Yes, that's a good idea. Alice must have seen that working,_ Carlisle agreed.

Her wearing Bella's scent would be better than Esme as I would rather not put Esme in the crosshairs. Rosalie can handle herself. Esme, as much as we have tried over the years to teach her, has too sweet a heart and is incapable of harming another, although she has gotten good enough at not getting caught … but with James and Victoria who are skilled in ways we didn't know yet Rosalie would be better.

She looked at me with livid disbelief.

 _That's not going to happen,_ Emmett warned me.

 _Now's not the time Rose,_ Esme internally rebuked.

"Why should I?" she hissed. "What is she to me? Except a menace–a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."

I knew from the tone of her thoughts that she was teetering towards the edge of murderous rampage, but that didn't excuse her lack of faith in me, in Alice, and most of all in Carlisle.

"Because he's a vampire equivalent of Royce who would gleefully misuse you or Alice or Esme to get to Bella" I threw at her in our quick sub-human murmur. Fortunately Bella didn't seem to notice.

I expected what I shared to jolt Rosalie into helping.

Rosalie's mind went completely blank for a few seconds before she was internally roaring at me at a volume I had never had to endue before. _How_ dare _you use what happened with Royce to try to manipulate me into helping you protect this human who has done nothing but cause this family trouble since you seem incapable of any self-control and cannot do a simple thing like stay away from her._ Her tone was enraged, but there was something else hidden in the undertones, hurt maybe?

 _Edward, Rosalie's emotions are vacillating wildly staying longest in terror. I appreciate the information, but be careful with Rosalie._

Appreciating Jasper's warning I wondered if perhaps I had stepped too far.

 _I'll keep an eye out for that,_ Alice mentally noted.

 _Is that true, Edward?_ Esme and Carlisle nearly asked together, while Emmett asked me, _Seriously?_

My eyes went up to the ceiling and then to the floor and then back to the ceiling.

"Rose …" Emmett whispered sweetly while putting one hand on her shoulder.

She shook it off. Her movement didn't seem angry but to come from intrinsic fear that despite their years together and them being mates didn't allow anyone to touch her, not even Emmett.

I looked away and turned to Esme.

Her internal thoughts were as protective as I remembered them when Maria paid us a visit. She would do everything to make sure that none of her daughters were harmed. That determination showed in her eyes and on the corners of her mouth.

"Esme?" I asked her.

I was torn between being upset at my sister for her lack of faith in me, forcing Esme to be the wearer of Bella's scent, and my shame at the possibility that I might have inadvertently triggered Rosalie's deeper pain.

"Of course," Esme responded. _It's the least I can do, Edward. She needs to be protected. It's a good idea._

Esme picked up Bella and ran upstairs for them to change clothes. Through the ceiling I heard Bella's confusion and Esme attempting to explain the value of switching clothes.

Rosalie walked away and stared at the glass that presently had metal shutters covering it. _Couldn't be. He can't get me. I'm safe with my family. He can't hurt me._ Rosalie's tone was so timid and fearful.

It reminded me of the first few months after she woke up from the change when she vacillated between ferocious anger that destroyed trees and furniture to how she was at the moment, the mental equivalent of cowering in a corner, although no one would ever be able to tell how afraid she was from the outside. I had wondered through the years if this was what Carlisle had meant about leaving Rosalie would have been a waste. She was incredibly strong.

 _Edward, son, you probably didn't intend to, but you might have triggered Rosalie's past. You can't say those things to women who have been injured like she was no matter how strong they appear._ There was a tone of deep sadness in Carlisle's thoughts and a fatherly compassion for me as if he mentally wanted to hug me.

I felt contrite. I had gone too far, but this wasn't the time or place to apologise to Rosalie. I had stated truth in my attempt to convince her, not to harm her or manipulate her.

Alice and Jasper came downstairs.

Jasper surveyed the room and the emotional climate. _We need to repair things in our bonds if we're going to function well as a team. Make sure to fix things with Emmett._

I acknowledged Jasper's message through eye contact.

Alice looked into the future while Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett, and I discussed the best strategy to lead James and Victoria away from Alice, Jasper, and Bella. I relayed to them what I had learned about James using Charlie or Renée as bait and the information Charlie had about Renée's whereabouts. Esme's focus was on Bella. I was glad that Carlisle led the conversation at our natural speed, which attracted Rosalie's interest, so she came back wanting to be apart of the conversation.

After rapidly going over everything, it was decided that Rosalie and Esme would go in Bella's truck.

"No way. I refuse," Rosalie demanded while holding her arms tightly across her chest.

She needed to be with Emmett as much as I needed to be with Bella.

Emmett wrapped his arm around her in comfort. _I won't be gone long, baby._

"Rosalie, I understand your reluctance. This isn't pleasant. None of us are thrilled with the prospect, but it appears at this moment to be the best chance we have of ending this quickly. If you have a better option, I'm all ears," Carlisle replied calmly and convincingly.

From her look she hadn't budged, but internally she was softening.

Carlisle trudged on, "As Esme is at risk of being mistaken for Bella I'm trusting you to keep her safe. You know Esme isn't as strong as a fighter as you."

Rosalie made the smallest of head movements.

"That's my girl," Emmett whispered in what I think was supposed to be a sexy voice. Certainly his mind was in the gutter.

Carlisle went to the phone and called into the hospital explaining that he had a family emergency and would be out for a few days. His thoughts shifted in a way I had never seen before. His compassion was still there, but he was preparing himself for ending other's life, wishing he didn't need to, but unwilling to allow anyone, including James, to harm his family. Although my statement meant for Rosalie might have been ill chosen, it seemed to create a fire inside of Carlisle. More than once he mentally replaced James with Charles, Esme's ex-husband. It was a side of him that I supposed he kept under tight wraps. I was pleased that he was willing to do whatever was necessary to keep Esme, Rosalie, Alice, and Bella safe. I grew in appreciation of him in a way that I had never had before. I had been wrong. I had underestimated him. He wasn't actually a pacifist he simply chose every other option than violence first. Perhaps that was something I could strive for in this new Edward I was becoming.

I went to turn to him to ask if he really thought it would be done in a few days, but Alice grabbed my arm and shook her head no.

Alice had been so lost in the future trying to see the most likely possibilities that it had been making my head spin, so I had begun to tune it down.

Emmett along with Rosalie went and got some things. There was certainly some physical contact that went along with whatever they were doing that I tried to tune out.

Jasper whispered something to Carlisle too soft for anyone else to hear.

I pulled Alice aside and as fast as possible I whispered instructions to her. "She needs to eat every five to six hours depending on how hungry she is. Humans need fruits, vegetables, some protein, and some starch. Soda might be good if her eyes dilate and she starts shaking slightly. She's going to be upset, so she'll probably cry a lot. She needs to drink about 100 ounces of liquid a day. Water is usually best. She'll need her human moments. She likes to brush her teeth before she goes to bed and when she gets up in the morning. If she sleeps a lot, that's okay. It's partially how humans cope when they're upset." I went faster and faster telling her everything about Bella's care that I could think of. "And keep your opinions to yourself," I stated emphatically at the end.

Emmett came back, Carlisle handed each of us a disposable untraceable mobile phone, while Esme and Bella came back downstairs. Jasper had set up this system and had gone over it, but I never considered the possibility that we would need to activate it. I was humbled. Not for the first time, I was grateful that Jasper joined our family.

The whole time we were going through the game plan I was trying to will myself to leave Bella's side. Esme and Carlisle were separating as well as Rosalie and Emmett. Their thoughts were with each other, but they were willing to follow the plan. They were doing what was in the family's best interest. Even Rosalie, who didn't agree with protecting Bella, was doing her duty. Could I? Did I love Bella enough to do they very thing that Alice and I had agreed that I was incapable of–staying away from her. Certainly I had the capacity to be stronger than Rosalie. I had told myself many times that I would do anything to keep Bella safe. How about this? Did I love her enough to walk away? I reminded myself of Bella's no and my promise.

And it wasn't just Bella at risk. I had put them all at risk, especially the women in my life. If they were all willing to risk their limbs for me, I couldn't let them down.

"Esme and Rosalie will be taking your truck, Bella," Carlisle informed Bella.

Rosalie glowered at Carlisle resentfully as she walked in. Her thoughts were not as incensed with him as they were with me. She would never say no to Carlisle, but that didn't stop her from resenting him. She didn't want to put herself or her mate at risk for Bella's sake, but she was.

"Alice, Jasper–take the Mercedes. You'll need the dark tint in the south."

They both nodded for Bella's sake. They both already knew this, of course.

"We're taking the Jeep."

 _Our family will get through this unpleasantness with Bella coming out of this alive,_ Esme reassured herself.

 _And we will bag ourselves one bad vampire,_ Emmett joshed.

I could feel it in the depth of my cells the hunger to stay near Bella. She was exactly my type of drug. The more I had of her the more I wanted. But it had to end. I had known this from the beginning. This is why I had tried to prepare myself for the moment that was here. I had gotten two days with her. The best two days of my existence.

Carlisle's thoughts had shifted again. He was decided. He would do what was necessary, now it was about following it through. It had never come to this before. To see this side of Carlisle was almost as wonderful of a gift as watching him laugh.

"Alice? Will they take the bait?" Carlisle asked.

Alice closed her eyes and became still giving her whole concentration to willing the future into her vision trying to see clearly.

Rosalie caught my eye. _I'm expecting you to bring him home. You got us into this mess. You make sure he doesn't get into any trouble. If he comes back in less than pristine condition, you and I will have more than words._

I nodded infinitesimally at her. Yes, I could promise that.

"He'll track you. The woman will follow the truck. We should be able to leave after that." Alice said it with certainty.

I had seen it as well. They must have already decided that James would follow me and Victoria would follow Bella for it to be so clear. Obviously the trick of Esme wearing Bella's clothes would work. Alice's visions became too foggy past that, but it was something.

 _Good. Still a shame. Hopefully we can have this resolved quickly._ Carlisle hoped.

 _I know it's hard to leave her, Edward. It'll be hard on her too, but you'll be reunited soon,_ Esme promised me.

 _Good. It'll work. The three of us will make quick work of him, and then things will quiet down and Rose will calm down._

The whole time they were talking I looked at Bella wrestling with myself. This was my moment of truth. Could I leave her? I was surprised at myself when my answer was yes. I would do this for her because it was what was best for her. It was what she wanted after all. Maybe I wasn't as selfish as I believed. In this moment I knew that I would do whatever it took to give Bella the life she deserved–even leave it. I was filled with unbridled joy and deep sadness simultaneously. Once she was safe I could leave and give her the life she would have had if I had never interrupted it. This is how much I loved her–enough to sacrifice my own happiness. My love for her didn't have to be a tragedy after all. I loved her enough to let her go, as soon as she was safe, of course.

 _Do you want some help?_ Jasper asked.

I indicated no. This was something I needed to do without any assistance.

 _This is Bella's plan, remember,_ Alice encouraged me her tone soft and gentle.

"Let's go," Carlisle commanded as he and Esme exchanged a loving gaze, and moved towards the kitchen.

Emmett looked into Rosalie's eyes seemingly communicating to her that everything would be all right, kissed her, and then turned to Carlisle and I.

 _Fine,_ Rosalie resigned and mentally shifted gears focusing on how to keep Esme safe.

I went over to Bella and grabbed hold of her hugging her as firmly as I dared. I lifted her off her feet and brought her lips to mine. The electronic current filled my body. I set her down still holding onto her face. I stared into her eyes forcing myself to remember the beautiful angel brought in my life for these fleeting weeks. Enough, I reminded myself. I had to do my duty. I had to love her enough to leave her. I commanded myself to turn, walk away, and leave her behind doing the one thing I thought was more impossible than not killing her.

 _Come on lover boy,_ Emmett teased.

 _We'll keep her safe,_ Alice promised.

 _They can't get passed us,_ Jasper stated assuredly.

 _Don't worry, Edward,_ Esme reassured me.

 _If even a hair is out of place, Edward, I swear I will rip you apart,_ Rosalie guaranteed me.

 _I know it's difficult, Edward, but we need to leave,_ Carlisle admonished.

Carlisle, Emmett, and I walked out the door and into the Jeep. We sped away.

 _Jasper and Alice will watch over her_ , Carlisle reminded my soothingly. _You're doing the right thing. I know it's hard. You'll see her soon._ He kept reassuring me while driving and fretting about Esme.

We weren't far when James' thoughts dropped into range. _He's bound to try to lead me astray and then circle back and meet up with his toy. My intent to follow him shouldn't give too much away._

I nodded to Carlisle and he called Esme.

"Be safe," was all he needed to say.

Shortly after I heard Victoria's mind running after Bella's truck and I called Alice. _Get human … don't drink … keep for James_

"Be good," was all I could manage.

"We will," she replied answering my unspoken request.

Emmett's mind was focused on reminding himself that Rosalie could take care of herself and what he needed to do to dismantle James.

James was paying very close attention to us.

"She'll be fine, Em. She's a fierce fighter and Victoria seems like the run away rather than fight type," I stated softly enough James could have never heard.

 _You're right. I know you were just trying to explain, but you went to far with Rose._ There was a tone of irritation and protectiveness.

"I know, Em. I'm sorry. If I had known she would react like that, I would have never worded it that way. I'm really sorry," I told him sincerely.

Carlisle looked at each of us speculatively.

"We're good," Em stated aloud for Carlisle's benefit. "Let's go get us a bear," he rallied.

 _A bear? What could they need a bear for? They couldn't have possibly meant that they drink animal blood instead of human blood? That's repulsive. No matter what they drink, nothing can compare to human blood. They might have numbers, but I have strength they can only imagine. … Let the games begin._

I toned down each of my family members' mental processes focusing on the job they needed to do and instead gave James as much of my mental attention as I could.


	54. Chapter 54: The Cat Became the Mouse

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. The dialogue that comes from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun remains hers.**

 **WARNING: James is not a good guy and his thoughts are unpleasant. Nothing graphic is described, however.**

* * *

James was running through plan options. They were extremely varied and nuanced. The most prominent idea was for him to follow me, and when we went to hunt take apart Carlisle, Emmett, and then me, not always in that order. His mental images made us much like other vampires when they hunted– unable to be near each other, and protective of our kills–although he was uncertain _what_ exactly we hunted. He seemed unable to even conceive of the idea of drinking animal blood. He also assumed that I was possessive of Bella and, even if I was sharing her, that she and I were going to meet up at some point in the future, which unfortunately, was accurate, so that I could claim her, which was inaccurate. Whether he got the intention correct or not, he had correctly guessed at our plan.

In one scenario that he ran through his mind multiple times, after tearing me apart he tortured me by burning my ligaments one by one until I told him where to find Bella, he had ended Carlisle and Emmett. Or in a worse one he threatened to burn parts of Carlisle's and/or Emmett's in order to get me to talk. Fortunately, that one didn't feature as much as he was doubtful that I was closely bonded to other males and assumed that I would easily forfeit their lives for my gain as he would. In another turn of fortune he was uncertain how far I was willing to go to protect a toy. He hoped my presentation in the field meant that I was very protective over what he assumed I saw as mine. His uncertainty was our gain. On the down side, he was gleefully anticipating the opportunity to play out either option even if doing so didn't ultimately help him find Bella.

With each plan my midsection grew in knots. For once in my life I was grateful that my family was odd as many of his assumptions regarding our bonds and value for human life were inaccurate and at the moment I would take any advantage I could.

Carlisle was driving very indirectly. Apart from a small portion of his brain that was concerned for Esme, his full concentration was on the tasks at hand. The fact that James was following us, and, therefore, nowhere near his gentle wife gave him tremendous relief. He kept a map of the area in his mind and was navigating accordingly. He would go east a bit, then northeast, then north, then northwest a bit before turning back north or east. He tried to stay on back roads making use of the Jeep's capacities in order to stay away from humans.

As surrounding James or cornering him grew less and less likely, Carlisle's theory was to keep James away from humans long enough that he would get thirsty and make a mistake. When James did feed Carlisle planned on intervening before a human life was taken, of course, but James would drink someone whether we used it in our strategy or not. Carlisle knew there was a risk that we wouldn't be successful and he didn't like it, but as the time passed he hadn't thought of a better option.

I didn't have the heart to tell him how opposed James was to ruining his pallet, and anyway James would have to feed eventually not to mention that I had no better ideas.

Once Carlisle had arrived at that conclusion he asked, _Do you agree?_

I nodded unable to fault his logic even though it was less brash than I wanted it to be.

James kept the same distance he had while he had followed Alice, Emmett, Bella and I in the Jeep making verbal communication unwise. Every once in a while Carlisle would mentally ask me where James was, I would point, and then he would turn the Jeep towards James position. Every time when we got close enough to rush at him, James would compensate, bringing himself closer to humans or too far away from us. I would put a hand on Carlisle's shoulder and shake my head. At that Carlisle would point the car in a northern direction.

Through the whole drive Emmett's thoughts were on the task at hand or Rosalie. I appreciated Carlisle's and Emmett's mental focus as it allowed me to give James' thoughts almost my entire attention leaving only the smallest of room in my head for them to communicate with me if they did so purposefully. Although, I doubted, no matter how much I had focused on someone else's thoughts that Carlisle's could be ignored. He seemed to trump everyone else. He never abused his capacity to do so, but most days I disliked the fact that I had such little power over my headspace when it came to him. Today I couldn't be more grateful.

We crossed the border into Canada in the midst of woods. If we were unable to bait and trap James and he didn't feed, then the plan was to lure him to our cousins who would aid us. Eleazar as a former guard member would be especially helpful. Both Carlisle and I were certain that Eleazar would have come across the likes of James before. Nevertheless, Carlisle was still reluctant to involve the Denali's given my breakage of the law. He didn't want them to be implemented if anything untoward were to happen. At the same time, we were running out of options of how to handle James.

Unexpectedly James thoughts were getting restless and shifting. His prominent idea was no longer to chase after me and torture me. I appreciated that part. Given his restlessness, enjoyment of violence, and that we were now in the outback of Canada with less humans about, I had anticipated him charging at us given our weakened status in his mind, but he didn't. Rather he changed tactics.

James increased the distance between him and us, so I indicated to Carlisle that we should go in his direction to close the distance. Then I indicated to head back in a northern trajectory once the gap between us had been closed. Yet again James increased the distance between him and us. I responded in the same way as before. And he did the same as he had before. It was like a chess match, each moving a piece to see how the other will respond, waiting for the other to make a mistake. Only before I had led the tempo, this time he was. It was making me nervous. Additionally, the tempo was increasing. In the last four hours we had made it only forty miles north. The cat had become the mouse.

In the firth hour of this new game he had managed to successfully keep the increased distance between us and for a few seconds I lost his thoughts altogether. His last thoughts were to go after Bella directly. He had images of returning to Forks and following her trail. None of my family members were good at tracking a scent once it entered a vehicle. Would James be? Those few seconds were the longest of my life.

Carlisle immediately picked up in my change of mood. _What is it?_ he asked with a scowl.

I shook my head no, mouthed James, and pointed in the direction from which I had least heard him.

Emmett's mind put no and James into _James no, no James_ unsure of the intended message.

 _You can't hear James?_ Carlisle asked me a few seconds later.

I nodded yes slowly.

Carlisle's mind immediately went into trying to figure out how we might find him if I couldn't hear him any longer. It didn't last long and both Carlisle and Emmett picked up my relief when James came back into range.

The second time after this happened Emmett figured out that James' thoughts were falling out of my range. _Oh, that's not good,_ was his conclusion. Then he used all his effort to use his hearing, which was slightly better than mine.

James thoughts when they did come back into range the second time were overwhelmingly about Victoria. My best guess was that he had talked to her briefly. How they managed to have a cell phone plan was beyond me. The fact that they knew how to use such a technology was unusual for our kind and made him even more lethal. Laurent had spoken the truth when he told us that James and Victoria were comfortable in the human world. That didn't bode well for us. I had been out of contact with him for 9.3 seconds. A lot could be said in that time. New scenarios began to fill his brain. In these new ones he would trap someone and use them as leverage to force Bella to come to him rather than running after me. Honestly, the ones of him torturing me were easier to handle.

I must have let some of my loathing of James show because Carlisle asked, _What is he planning?_

I just pointed in James' direction and Carlisle turned the Jeep. James' and my game continued with longer and longer gaps between when he would fall out of range and when I would pick him back up. Whatever game he was playing, he was winning. My confidence was waning. Now we were almost back at the US/Canada border near Vancouver. This time when I pointed and Carlisle went as directed I didn't pick him up again.

"He's not with us," I growled after more than 20 seconds had passed.

Carlisle and Emmett turned towards me stunned. _We lost him?_ They both asked.

"His last thoughts were of the airport and Forks. He has at least a hundred different possible scenarios running through his mind. I cannot tell which one he will choose. Not to mention that he might have used what he guessed is my gift against me. He seems to have a sixth sense about things and trusts his intuition." They both knew without saying that would make it harder for Alice and I.

"What was his guess?" Emmett asked curious.

"That I could read intentions," I grumbled.

"Not too far off," Emmett replied impressed.

"Let's check the airport. Emmett call Rosalie, but be vague in case Victoria is near enough to hear," instructed Carlisle.

Emmett nodded and dialled. "Hey Rose. We've decided to take a detour on our trip to Alaska. The game isn't as plentiful as we planned. We're heading to Vancouver instead."

Carlisle turned back to me speaking quickly and quietly so that the sound wouldn't travel over the phone. "He could run faster back to Forks. That doesn't make sense."

I shook my head no. Carlisle was right it didn't.

Rosalie answered Emmett, "same here, but we're keeping a close eye. We've been all around town and hit all the major places including the stores and school. Everyone's tucked into bed but us of course and we're having no fun."

"Fun or not, I'm glad you're okay Rose."

"Me too, Em. Come back to me quick."

Emmett laughed. "You know I can take care of myself. But I will be as quick as I can."

"I know. Forever."

"Forever."

In the past Emmett's mental images would have been uncomfortable for me. They still were embarrassing, but it seemed since Bella that I understood them better. I wondered for the first time if what I had taken as crudeness was actually Emmett's expressions of love. But that wasn't something I had time to think about right now.

Somehow Emmett talking to Rosalie reassured Carlisle that Esme was fine. If she wasn't, then Rosalie would have said. It wasn't great comfort, but it was something.

While we made our way through Vancouver's traffic to the airport much slower than if I had been driving, I reviewed all that I had learned about James. I was trying to think like him, or rather trying to remember how I used to be, and to use that to anticipate his next move. We neared the airport without even a whisper of James' thoughts. I had never needed to catch a hidden prey as my telepathy had always indicated a general location. Thus, I was attempting to substitute my gift for the tactics James memories had revealed. With each moment that passed trying to imagine what James would do next was if I had wandered one more step towards hell, towards the very opposite of who I was working at making myself into. How human criminal profilers think like the criminal without tasting that darkness themselves was baffling.

James was smart. He had just outwitted a telepath and that was a hard thing to do. Could he have boarded a plane? Yes. Laurent said he was comfortable around humans, but embarking to go to Fork made no sense. And money, how would be pay for a ticket?

Carlisle had also been attempting to guess James moves, but paused and interrupted my musings, "On foot?"

"I've got nothing," I answered.

Emmett said nothing not even mentally for my failures.

He was a great brother.

Carlisle parked in short-term parking and we spread out. Knowing James' frequency I focused on tuning into it, but was having no luck at all. Then at one point there was the slightest breeze of James' scent. I followed it running into Emmett.

 _Do we get tickets? It goes past security._

"Even if we know where he went to, he could board anywhere or not at all," I answered after pondering shortly. "It could be a wild goose chase. Let's find Carlisle. He can decide." My mind focused on James' new plans to bring Bella to him, which gave me a sense of terror and foreboding that hadn't existed when we left Forks. Despite the situation, I was still determined to be _that_ Edward. _That_ Edward had walked away from Bella, and _that_ Edward would be responsible checking in with his father even though it was physically the opposite thing that I wanted to do.

Reaching out to find Carlisle's mental voice we ran in his direction finding him shortly after.

"He went past security, but were unsure if we should follow," I reported at a human pace but subdued so that my words could not be overheard.

"I too was able to tack him, but whether he left or boarded a place was difficult to determine," Carlisle told us matching my tone.

"There _are_ a lot of scents here and what I found was a few hours old," Emmett stated even quieter than I had spoken.

As always Carlisle thought coolly and calmly taking in the information he knew including Rosalie's information, lack of direction from Alice, and what we had found. His conclusion was ultimately what was safest for _all_ the family.

"Let's go back to Forks and regroup."

 _That sucks that we lost him, but at least I get to see Rose soon. I wonder if there'll be time for …_ at which point I tuned him down.

We got the Jeep out of short-term parking Carlisle took to the wheel with Emmett in the passenger seat again. Both Carlisle's and Emmett's thoughts were focused on getting back to their wives while my mind was engaged in finding the one frequency I wanted to pick up. I would have to give the pairs a wide berth probably. It didn't take long before Carlisle and then Emmett decreased the thoughts about their wives and focused more on what to do next. Emmett was concerned that James might be close to Rosalie. I couldn't help but empathize.

 _Do you really think he might take Rose and misuse her?_ Emmett asked me almost not wanting to know.

"Yes, Emmett, it's possible. He takes what he wants without pause," I answered grievously and seriously. "In his memories there was this time with a female vampire …" Reliving James' memory of how he had harmed her was difficult. It didn't want to speak the words out loud and give them life, so I continued on hoping Emmett would understand "… when he was done harming her against her will he burned her. I honestly was trying to convey the situation without upsetting Rosalie, although the way I went about it obviously was hurtful to her. You know how she feels about Bella and I needed her to know that Bella wasn't the only one at risk. I really am sorry, to both of you, for what I have brought upon this family." By the last sentence I was overcome by my darkness. I had attracted the worst kind of monster towards those that I loved. I deserved to be ended before any of them were hurt in the slightest.

Emmett's thoughts stilled as he took my words in and then became brutal in his imaginings of what he would do to James if he were to lay a hand on his Rose.

 _Edward, this is not your fault. Alice didn't see. I said yes to you bringing Bella. And even if Bella wasn't there, he still may of chosen to do something else._ Carlisle's tone was warm and compassionate, but there was also a firm fatherly element that he had rarely used before Bella had arrived.

I nodded but disagreed that it was anyone's fault but my own. Bringing a human, even one I loved, to hang out with vampires, even if they were my family, was ridiculously stupid. It had been so simple. I had yearned to be known, to be seen, to have someone cheering for me. It seemed like such an innocent wish at the time.

 _Did his thoughts become interested in us when you defended Bella?_ Carlisle asked.

I moved my head back and forth sadly reluctant to tell Carlisle this. "No, actually, he began wondering if he could engage us in one of his games when you told them not to hunt in the area. He began to consider how you might enforce that and started to think about ways to take humans within our territory and leave them so that we would know it was him without getting the Volturi's attention," I admitted.

Emmett's thoughts stopped midstream and a shocked _What?_ was projected to me.

Carlisle was using this information to try to formulate a new strategy. He wasn't upset at himself, he wasn't mad at me, he simply adjusted course. How I wished I could be more like him!

Emmett looked at me.

I shrugged. "Maria was the same. It's not common, but some of our kind are like that," I attempted to explain to Emmett.

"What changed Maria's thoughts?" Emmett asked intrigued.

"Jasper. When he threatened her. She knew that he knew her well and could be her undoing, so decided it wasn't worth it," I explained.

Carlisle nodded as he had already reached that conclusion shortly after the encounter. "Anything in James' thoughts that might allow us some leverage?" Carlisle asked.

"Not that I saw. He wants for nothing except a good hunt, the harder the better, the longer it takes the better. He was willing to sacrifice Laurent to us if that was what was needed to get us to play his game."

"So, if it wasn't Bella it would have been someone else," Emmett asked curiously.

"Possibly. There's no way to be sure. I did over react. I saw the images of what he wanted to do and I couldn't stop myself from wanting to protect Bella from that," I admitted slightly slower than our usual pace.

 _Your love is new and she is a human. Don't berate yourself, Edward. It's already done. Perhaps it is better that he is tracking Bella, someone who we can more easily keep safe than the whole town. If he had started doing that, we would have been forced to move to a remote area away from humans to stop him and that might not have worked._ The mixing of images of Charles and James entered Carlisle's mind again. He might not want to end James, but he also couldn't sit back and watch James hurt humans simply to bait us into a game. Carlisle was aware such creatures existed from his time with the Volturi, but to have someone like James come against our family stirred in him thoughts he hadn't had since Esme first told him about Charles.

Emmett was trying to imagine what he would have done if he had seen such things. _Better that I'm not a telepath,_ he concluded.

Their thoughts and our conversation naturally brought my thoughts to Bella and her safety. Carlisle was right in a way, but I didn't want Bella to be in the crosshairs. The desire for James to want anyone but Bella reverberated through my being. I allowed myself the briefest imaginings of the possibility that Bella was my wife. Even in that dreamland our relationship would never be like my siblings' or parent's. There were so many things I would not be able to do with her. They would have their spouses forever, but Bella would live, hopefully, another seventy years. I had already decided that seventy years with Bella would be glorious, but she had said no, as she was meant to.

But what if she wasn't allowed another seventy years? What if I was unable to keep her safe and James got to her? I would be the worst type of monster. If killing hundreds of humans hadn't been enough, I could be the cause of the untimely end of the one person in all my years that I had loved romantically despite all my personal efforts otherwise. All of my poor decisions regarding Bella flooded me. Then all my missteps that brought us to this juncture filled my mind. Why hadn't I been strong enough to walk away from Bella before? Here I was without her but only after putting her in the worst type of danger. No wonder she said no to me. She had finally seen the light and I wasn't in it. She trusted me to keep her safe, but I had failed her. She saw my failure and didn't want a future with me. Despite my sadness at her no, it allowed me to focus solely on ensuring that one of the three foundational element of who I had become–keeping her warm and kicking–was firmly in place. My worry encompassed not just her safety, but who I would become if this fundamental stone were to be removed.

 _Please, son, please try not to worry. Bella will be fine. Alice and Jasper will keep her safe_ , Carlisle implored.

I looked down at my hands recalling all the times since Bella's arrival that I had done a similar motion. I was a cold monster that lived in the shadows. No matter where I turned, no matter what I chose, I was a failure. I had failed at keeping Bella safe. I had failed to be the son Carlisle deserved. I wondered if their lives would have been better if he hadn't turned me. Simpler, for sure. I seemed to make their lives unnecessarily difficult and complicated. I had tried all these years to make up for my failings by using my gift to keep the family safe, but here they all were risking their lives to protect Bella because I hadn't had the strength to walk away until it was too late. Not for the first time since coming into this existence I wondered if my sire would have been better off to choose someone else.

We had spent almost two days trying to trap James. Instead he had evaded us. James was still out there. Carlisle was driving at a speed I had rarely seen, anxious to get home to Esme, and concerned about what to do next.

Emmett was still considering how we could have stopped James if he had challenged Carlisle's 'don't eat humans in our area' rule.

"Edward," Carlisle spoke softly and gently pulling on me in the way that had comforted me in my early years when everything was so confusing and difficult.

I lifted my eyes and found his in the mirror. Carlisle rarely addressed me verbally.

"Would it be safe enough to call Alice?" His eyes were full of concern and compassion for me.

"Should be. I haven't picked up anything since we lost him, but let me double check." I sent my gift out letting in the voices and suffocating feeling that accompanied them as I searched out close and then further and further out till I could go no more. "We're fine," I concluded grateful to push all the voices into the background again.

He pulled out his phone and dialled Alice.

She, as always, picked up before the first ring was finished. "We've lost James and are heading back to Forks to regroup. How are things there?"

"Carlisle," she breathed. Something must have happened. Maybe she saw James' decision.

"You safe?" Carlisle asked his voice filled with concern. His mind went through thousands of options of what could have so disturbed his bubbly daughter.

"Yes."

With that simple word Carlisle cleared his mind and he returned to his calm state.

Emmett had turned his head slightly curious of what had bothered Alice, but had easily gone back to his thoughts of how to stop James.

My muscles that had begun to tense released. Bella was safe.

"We followed him to the airport, but the trail ran cold. Edward has a few speculations, but nothing actionable," Carlisle told Alice and Jasper.

"I just saw him," Alice stated with the voice she gets when she was no longer in the present. "He's in a room with mirrors, the floor is wooden, and there is a gold bar around the room. There's a black table with a big stereo, and a TV. He's touching the VCR there. In this room he waits. He's in the dark now. There's also a dark room. There he's running a VCR. Whatever made him get on that plane … it was leading him to those rooms."

Perhaps the darkness he was in presently was the belly of a plane, but the rest made little sense to me.

Carlisle looked at my seriously, evaluating me.

"Okay. I think it best if Edward talks to Bella." Then he handed me his phone.

She said, "Yes," then, "Bella?"

"Hello?" Bella breathed.

"Bella." Hearing her voice and then saying her name was simultaneously searing and healing.

"Oh, Edward! I was so worried," Bella cried out in relief.

For the love of all that is holy! I appreciated that this woman didn't see me as alien, but this was almost emasculating. Had I not shown her my capacities?

"Bella, I told you not to worry about anything but yourself." I was shaking my head.

"Where are you?" she asked.

I thought about my words carefully. The right balance of honesty, but trying not to add to her stress.

"We're outside of Vancouver. Bella, I'm sorry–we lost him. He seems suspicious of us–he's careful to stay just far enough away that I couldn't hear what he's thinking. But he's gone now–it looks like he got on a plane. We think he's heading back to Forks to start over."

While I explained this to Bella, Alice and Jasper were discussing possibilities in the background too quickly for Bella to pick up.

"I know. Alice saw that he got away." Bella sounded worried and yet relieved.

Her relief made my insides feel all warm and gooey. Despite my dislike of her worrying about me, it was appealing that she cared about my welfare. We were still friends? She had asked that of me in the beginning. No, I decided sadly, I wouldn't be a good friend to her. I had been right from the beginning.

"You don't have to worry, though," I attempted to reassure her. Certainly her blood filled with the indicators of fear wouldn't be helpful to Jasper. "He won't find anything to lead him to you. You just have to stay there and wait till we find him again."

This was my role, to protect her, to keep her safe, to soothe her concerns. Doing so had been critical to my well-being since the meadow, even perhaps before that.

"I'll be fine. Is Esme with Charlie?"

Of course her first concern is for others. "Yes–the female has been in town. She went to the house, but while Charlie was at work. She hasn't gone near him, so don't be afraid. He's safe with Esme and Rosalie watching."

"What is she doing?" Bella asked.

"Probably trying to pick up the trail. She's been all through the town during the night. Rosalie traced her through the airport, all the roads around town, the school … she's digging, Bella, but there's nothing to find."

"And you're sure Charlie's safe?" Fortunately she sounded slightly reassured.

"Yes, Esme won't let him out of her sight. And we'll be there soon. If the tracker gets anywhere near Forks, we'll have him."

This whole time Carlisle was doing his own mental gymnastics trying to think James into a corner. Emmett had grown in concern about having James and Victoria in Forks with Rosalie, then he would remind himself that Rosalie could take care of herself, and then would relapse into worry.

"I miss you," she whispered.

What did that mean? She had said no. Could she miss me despite her no? Well, I did. So, it seemed possible. The smallest part of me wanted her no to be a ruse for James' sake, but I squelched it immediately. Bella saying no to me was what was best for her. There was a longing in her voice that indicated her feelings hadn't changed. If I were just her protector, would she speak to me this way? Perhaps her feelings hadn't changed, but she had come to her senses. I could understand that completely. Despite my feelings, I too knew that I was no good for her, and James had shown Bella what I had tried to tell her from the beginning. Letting the matter go I realized that whatever conclusion I reached would never completely explain Bella and her reactions. Bella was simply too much of a mystery to me. Nevertheless, I was determined to continue to be honest about my sentiments, and this was not the time to explain the gaps between the meanings of our words no matter how similar they might appear.

"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self away with you," I told her.

Carlisle looked smug for the shorted amount of time that even I wondered if I caught his expression correctly.

Emmett was beginning to think of ways to raze me about my feelings for Bella.

I glared at him. I really couldn't take his teasing right now.

Then Carlisle, as if he could see the future or read minds, put his hand on Emmett's leg and shook his head slightly. For reasons unknown in a very un-like Emmett move he let it go.

"Come and get it, then," she teased.

It was sweet that she could be still playful with her words with me, but then Bella was a sweet girl. She and I would no longer be ruled by our attraction and infatuation. We would make the smart choice. She had said no and I would honour it, as I had promised myself I would. This choice didn't change feelings. I appreciated that she was aware of that as well.

"Soon, as soon as I possibly can," I teased back. "I _will_ make you safe first." I had to work at modulating my voice so that I wouldn't scare her with my determination.

"I love you." The strength of those words, despite the circumstance, was staggering. Her feelings hadn't changed after all. It seemed too good to be true. Her affection for me despite her no and despite James warmed me. It was a sweet gift that I didn't deserve, but in an attempt to be _that_ Edward, I accepted it anyway.

"Could you believe that, despite everything I've put you through, I love you, too?" I asked myself more than her.

I had to win the prize for bringing death to those I loved, unworthy of being a son or brother let alone to have Bella in my life.

"Yes, I can actually," Bella replied.

Her words surprised me. She believed that I loved her? She knew despite everything how much I cared for her and how upset I was at putting her at risk? It seemed too good to be true. How could she think that my rebellious period was a reasonable reaction and believe my claim of love despite the danger I had put her in? It was inconceivable to me. No wonder she had said no. She had a treacherous heard that pulled her into danger and she was resisting. She was finally being smart about things.

"I'll come for you soon," I promised.

"I'll be waiting," she promised back.

I appreciated that she was going to keep her promise to keep herself safe. I could endure a lot as long as I knew she was safe and as happy as possible. Certainly life wouldn't be boring for her with Alice around.

I hung up, and handed Carlisle back his phone.

Carlisle looked at me. _This is_ not _your fault, son. You berating yourself will not be helpful. Please. For all our sakes, we will help you find a way to defeat him. You've been listening to him all this time. Look at the evidence and make your best guess. You are the greatest asset to ensuring her safety._

He was right that beating myself up would not be helpful to my family. I was going to put them first. I would be _that_ Edward.

 _Don't worry, Edward. We'll get him. Jasper has trained us well and apart from maybe Esme and Carlisle we're all more than willing to end him._

"Thanks, Em," I whispered.

The rest of the drive I went over all the options James had considered and put them into three categories based on what we knew at the moment: probably, possible, and not likely. More than I would ever admit to Bella, I hoped that James was on his way to capture Charlie, which we could stop, and James wouldn't ever get near Bella.

My body reacted in a strange way to us heading south, as if it knew that were getting that much closer to Bella. I wondered if Emmett and Carlisle felt the same sensation. If so, it would explain why their thoughts related to their wives were increasing. My thoughts continued to focus on how to keep Bella safe while I spent most of my mental energy listening out for James' frequency as far as my gift would allow. I couldn't help but examine his assumption that our family was similar in its bonds to most other covens and therefore turning us against one another would be both easy and fun to watch. We were certainly not like other covens, but we would have a breaking point. Hoping we would never have to be tested in that way I set aside those thoughts to focus on what he was most likely to do next. The question that kept swimming in my mind was how Alice's vision might fit into the equation.

As the hours passed driving back to Forks I continued to mull over possibilities while hoping that any minute James would be here rather in some place unknown. When we arrived Forks was quiet, the humans were finishing their evening routines and preparing for bedtime. We all met at the Swan residence.

 _Thank goodness,_ both Esme and Rosalie thought once they heard the Jeep.

The reuniting of each couple was mentally hard to bear. Over the years we have had a few times when the couples have needed to separate in order to cover our tracks, but nothing as potentially lethal as James. Their reunions were even more intense than they had been in years past when usually Jasper couldn't help but overflow. As much as I missed him, I was glad his gift wasn't being added to this mix. It had always been difficult to take in the past. I gave them a small amount of physical space and as much mental space as I dared.

Getting lost in my thoughts would be tactically unwise, but I couldn't help wonder if these types of moments would ever be mine. Each couple were having an intense mental need to verify the other was all right, while they were trying to act stoically for my sake. I hated that they were stopping themselves from getting the comfort and reassurance they needed from each other because I was the odd man out. Even if Bella had chosen to stay in my life a little longer, any reunion would never have the strong demands to verify the well-being of the other as I heard my family attempting to deny.

In a wistful thought I wondered if our bond could ever be like my family's. The answer was plain. It was no. She was human and her body could not withstand the intensity and power of the emotions of my kind. The gap between us made it impossible for us to be mates. These last weeks had been shown to be my path of redemption–to receive the gifts being bestowed upon me without demanding more, simply to be grateful for what I had been given. Even to have the smallest sliver of what I was observing would be sweet. The same thoughts of my unworthiness and Carlisle's insistence that we were never worthy of the love given freely from others circled my brain. Maybe one day I would be worthy of a mate. Carlisle had waited over two hundred years and the Denali sisters over a thousand. Maybe, one day, in the future ...

After a few minutes Carlisle pulled away from Esme and cleared his throat.

 _You all right, son?_ he asked me gently and tenderly with a touch of sadness.

He hadn't needed that tone since Esme first came into our lives. It reminded me of bittersweet times–when I gained a mother and Carlisle and I shifted from brothers-in-arms to a more mentor/mentee relationship. I had never begrudged Esme entering our lives. I was glad for a mother and how happy she made Carlisle, but every once in a while I had found myself missing the moments when it had been just Carlisle and I working on something together.

 _I hope we didn't overwhelm you, Edward. I didn't mean to be so forward and public,_ Esme told me apologetically.

I shook my head letting both of them it was fine. I understood. It was a perfectly appropriate reaction given the circumstances that were my doing. I dared not peek into Emmett's and Rosalie's thoughts, though.

Carlisle took out his phone and dialled Alice, "How's Bella doing?" he asked her.

"She's sleeping right now," Alice replied.

"Is this a good time to talk?" Carlisle checked.

Alice took half a minute before replying, "Yes, go ahead."

Carlisle looked at us. We all nodded our accord that it was clear. I hadn't picked up Victoria's or James' frequencies.

Looking at me he asked, "Describe what you know about James, what, in your estimate, brought about Alice's vision, and what seems most likely to be his next move."

"He is resourceful, clever, varied in his thinking, but often acts on instinct. He has assumed that I have a gift of reading intentions. When he was following us his primary plans can be summarized as separating us and using torture to force us to give up Bella's location. His secondary plans most likely would be to attempt to find a way to use bait to lure Bella to him. My best guess is that the rooms Alice saw were apart of either of those options."

The whole time they kept an ear out and I searched telepathically.

"I drew a mirrored room that was unfamiliar to me," Alice explained to us all. "When Bella looked at it she said that it could be of any dance studio as they are similar. Evidently there is one near Bella's mother's home. Bella was concerned for her mother given the proximity and the uncertainty of when Renée might return, so she requested that she call and leave a message for her mother. We permitted her to do so in the assumption that it would be for everyone's benefit if Renée was told to stay away from Phoenix."

All our thoughts were in agreement with Alice even Rosalie's who were still resentful.

Carlisle looked at me and I nodded my concord. "We are in agreement. Jasper any ideas?" Carlisle asked.

"As he has slipped past us, I think the risk is too great to leave Bella here in Phoenix. Alice had already seen that we can't miss too many days of school. We'd need to bring her back to our place, protect her there until it would be safe to move. Changing her brings the most protection for our family and from any Volturi involvement. Any guesses on how Victoria plays into this?"

Esme's thoughts were motherly protective of Bella, Emmett was disappointed that he might not be the one to take apart James, and Rosalie wanted the whole thing sorted with as soon as possible so we could all go back to the status quo.

I managed to successfully hide my growl at Jasper for wanting to turn her. Carlisle was the only one who could do it. Would he go back on his word if the threat to our family was great enough? No, I assured myself. Carlisle wouldn't do that to Bella or to me. Jasper was laying out our tactical options like he always did. Nothing more.

"We assume that James' talked to Victoria via a mobile phone, which caused him to change course. We are going to search things here and see what we can find," Carlisle answered.

"Agreed," Jasper stated. "We will stay put until we hear back from you."

Carlisle searched my eyes if I had any other ideas. They showed my concurrence. "Agreed," he stated.

It took every ounce of strength that I had not to fall into despair at this smallest of slight possibilities that James could be so close to Bella. My only saving grace was remembering that Alice and Jasper were a deadly combo. They would keep her safe I told myself over and over.

I could feel Esme's eyes on me. _It'll be all right, Edward. They'll keep her safe. Let's find out what Victoria was up to._

"We should split up to cover more ground in a quicker time," I suggested.

We waited while Alice checked the future.

"I see no trouble, but both Victoria and James' are hard to pin down, Victoria is nearly impossible as she makes almost no decisions at all, so I can only see her present."

"Could the studio you saw be the one here in Forks, Alice?" Esme asked.

Rosalie and Emmett exchanged a glance.

A few seconds passed when Alice replied hesitantly, "I don't think so. Based on the outside, I'd say that the layout and size are different, but I'm not certain as I've never been inside the Forks studio before."

"Edward just said that one of James' plans was to capture one of us to acquire Bella's location. That seems like a good reason to travel in pairs," Rosalie pointed out.

"How much time do you think we have Alice?" Carlisle asked.

"There's no way to say for sure. I can't see a calendar of any kind."

"Any sign of them?" he asked me.

I had been keeping a constant attention on picking up their frequencies. "No," I answered assuredly.

"I'll follow the scents to the hospital, Edward to school, Emmett and Rosalie all the other possibilities, and Esme will guard Charlie. Rosalie, only follow the ones you haven't yet. Be as quick as you can." No one objected, but Rosalie's thoughts weren't in agreement. "Alice?" Carlisle checked.

"It looks fine for now. If that changes Jasper and I will ring you all."

"I would suggest howling if you get into any trouble," Jasper offered.

"Howling, really?" Emmett asked with heavy sarcasm.

"It's one noise we can all make in a crisis that won't cause the humans to wonder much," was Jasper's reply.

Emmett shook his head in disbelief, but no one objected.

"Anything else?" Carlisle asked. After a few moments of silence he added, "All right. We'll ring once we know more."

I was incredibly grateful for Carlisle at that moment.

Upon separation I sprinted towards the school until I caught Victoria's trail. It was incredibly sporadic, much like her thinking. She darted here and there like a frightened rabbit, always on guard. Eventually, though, after many odd detours I found myself in the school's office. Her scent was strongest at the computer as if she had sat there and searched for something. After following her disjointed quick moving trails her ability to sit and focus on anything for any amount of time seemed out of place for what I knew of her thus far not to mention that she knew how to work a computer. Her scent was next concentrated in the student files, but her time finding and opening Bella's files was much shorter than it had been at the computer. I continued to follow the trail through the school. The trails criss-crossed Bella's scent a few times, but there was no discernable pattern that I could see. I tried to fathom how this information fit into what we knew already.

A few times I heard the whisper of Victoria's thoughts, but it was like the end of our time with James. It would come in and just as I would focus my whole attention on it, it was gone. It was almost like she intuitively knew when I could hear her. I wondered if she had a gift, perhaps evasion or something like it. That was something to ponder.

Once I believed that I could learn nothing more from my investigations, I went back to the Swan residence. Rosalie and Emmett were already there. Emmett had his arm around Rosalie as if protecting her from the cold, which looked very reassuring given our circumstances. I was relieved no harm had come to Charlie or Esme. Fortunately so far Victoria and James seemed to be keeping their distance. And Carlisle was in the location with the most humans giving him some level of protection. Perhaps luck was on our side.

Esme was relieved to see me, but anxious about Carlisle while trying to tell herself Carlisle could take care of himself. He had been a nomad for two hundred years after all.

"I might have heard Victoria, but as soon as I thought I heard something it disappeared," Esme told me.

I nodded. "Same," I replied.

"Nothing," Rosalie said before I could even form the question. She ran through her memory of all that they had done since our splitting up. When she was done I nodded to her in a thank you kind of way. It had been a long time since she had given me that kind of access to her mind. She nodded back. _I want this over with._

Emmett looked at us oddly, shrugged his shoulders, and went back to being on alert.

It was obvious by looking at Esme that she was trying to be still and not run after her mate.

I looked at Rosalie questioning if she agreed with my assessment of Esme.

Rosalie nodded.

I went over and put my arm around Esme.

Her thoughts had been filled with concern about each of us giving way to something stronger. Words could not describe the images that passed through Esme's mind. She had some of the memories of losing her son, but it was obvious that she wasn't thinking about her lost son directly. Esme's thoughts were usually filled with such light and bright images that the contrast was tearing at my inner being.

I wanted to comfort her, to tell her that it would be all right, but I also knew empty promises would no be helpful. So, we stood there like that when suddenly she twitched out of her frozenness. Twenty-two seconds later I could hear Carlisle's thoughts. How she knew he was near before I did was astounding.

These little things were obviously not meant to be mine. Bella and my blissful two days together were worthy any price, but how my inner being yearned to know someone so well as my family's mates knew each other. This part of me, this miser, asked why not take Bella to be ours? Why not fulfil Alice's vision? What if I stole her soul only to discover we were not mates or worse that she loathed me for her loss of humanity for the rest of eternity? The truth was that of all the things I had done, all the human lives I had taken, for all my crimes, I could imagine none worse than taking an angel and placing her in my hell. No, I could not allow myself to consider such an atrocity.

Rosalie and Emmett relaxed once they heard Carlisle.

Esme held a scowling look as Carlisle had run towards her and wrapped her in his arms. As he held her she became calmer, more content, but now she was scolding. She took her face away from his chest and looked him squarely. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I got pulled into some consultations." He smiled at her worry. His thoughts were full of the difficulties of tracing the trail, while appearing inconspicuous, while hospital staff kept interrupting him.

I slapped him on the back. "Maybe next time we should send Esme."

Carlisle's thoughts were now full of how to demonstrate his love of her, absolute devotion to her, and how difficult being apart had been for him with James possibly nearby.

Still gazing into his wife's eyes with devotion he detailed how Victoria's scent had been everywhere in the hospital, how erratic her movements had been, that he could find no rhythm or reason to her trail, but that her scent had been most concentrated at a hospital terminal in an office of someone who had been out for the day.

He then moved so that he was holding onto Esme's shoulder as he asked, "What did you discover?" while he looked at Rosalie and then me.

Rosalie went first and then I described my explorations.

Carlisle dialled Alice.

"It seems that Victoria is using computers to find out information," I offered.

"Any ideas what for?" Carlisle asked.

That was the question. Whatever it was it had changed James' course. No answers came. "They already have Charlie's location and Renée isn't at her home," Jasper offered.

"All right. Get in touch if anything changes," Carlisle ordered.

"Will do," Jasper promised.

No one's thoughts tied what we had found with Alice's vision. As the discussion wounded down, each of my family's thoughts became more and more consumed with needing to verify the well-being of their mates. They seemed to have a fundamental need to heal what the distance and stress had created. I let out a deep sigh.

"Go, but please more than my range. I'll watch Charlie."

They all looked at me incredulously. _You sure, son?_ Carlisle asked. He seemed to be internally at war between taking care of Esme and his consideration for me.

"Yes. I'm sure. I'll howl," I stated in disgust.

They were too distracted and we all needed to be on our top game.

Without asking twice Rosalie and Emmett bolted. Carlisle and Esme hesitated.

"I understand. I can hear the pull on both of you. The anxiousness, worry, and stress you both are holding for the other will be more quickly resolved this way. It just would be easier on me if it was out of range. Just don't take too long, okay?"

They both asked me, _Are you sure?_

"Yes. For the family's sake, my sake, and Bella's sake, please."

They looked at one another and ran in tandem in the opposite direction that Rosalie and Emmett went. Carlisle and Esme were very private. To save my sanity and give them all privacy I tuned them almost out. Carlisle and Esme were just short of half a mile when Rosalie spoke out, "Hold on."

They all came back immediately.

"I think Victoria was looking for Renée's address. She might not be there, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be helpful to James. The school might not have it, because Charlie registered her, but certainly the hospital would. Renée's house might be the dark room Alice saw. The pieces fit."

"Bella needs to leave Phoenix," I declared.

Just as Carlisle went to pick up his phone it rang.

Before Carlisle could open his mouth Alice spoke. "Go to the airport. Jazz will book tickets. I could see the dark room with the VCR during the day this time. It's Bella's mother's house. Bella's not taking it well."

"He's going to use Renée as bait," Rosalie stated while I stood gazing at her in shock.

"Emmett, Edward, and I will go. Rosalie and Esme will guard Charlie." We all nodded our agreement.

"Go idiot," Rosalie told me as I continued to stare at her. _Go!_ she yelled at me.

Rosalie's command jarred me from my stupor. How had she been able to see the missing pieces when neither Carlisle nor I had been able?

"We're on our way, Alice," Carlisle told her.

Us three ran for the Jeep and hoped in. Carlisle floored it and we raced for the Seattle airport. As we got closer I kept my mind scanning for both James' and Victoria's frequency but made sure that the human thoughts were pushed to the back. Big cities had the advantage of having so many voices that they were easy to ignore with the disadvantage of having so many voices that if I let them in it was horribly oppressive. Carlisle parked in the long-term lot and we jogged at a human speed to our carrier, printed out the boarding passes, and went through security. Fortunately we didn't wait terribly long for seating on our flight to be called. Again my body seemed to know that we were heading towards Bella. It was like being in a cave and pulling up on a rope that I knew would bring me into the light. But the light frightened me. I was a creature of the shadows. I did not belong in the light.

Carlisle called Alice to update her that we on the plane.

"We haven't heard from Renée yet. I've never met her, so I have no way to check on her. We're going to checkout. Once you get here we'll find a hotel closer to Bella's mother's house and Edward can take Bella on a vacation. We'll need an explanation for school," Alice said.

"All right," Carlisle agreed. "See you at the airport."

"We'll be there with bells on," Alice replied attempting to lighten the mood.

Carlisle smiled as he hung up the phone.

Jasper had booked the seats so that Carlisle and I were sat next to each other while Emmett was in the row across from us. Once we sat Carlisle put his hand on my arm.

 _Please don't crush the armrest._

I looked down at my hand and then smiled dimly at him. "Sorry."

 _It's harder in the beginning._

I looked into his darkened eyes. "How do you do it, Carlisle? How do you leave and go to work?" My voice was pleading in desperation to understand.

"Faith, hope, and love." I looked at him confused. _I have faith in Esme's ability to have peace and contentment while I'm away and I have faith that she will be there when I get back. I hope that she will keep herself safe and I hope that God will allow no harm to come to her. I love my work. I cannot deny what I feel is my calling in life second to my family. And I love her all the more sweeter when I return._

"Is that enough?"

"On most days it is more than enough."

"And today?"

"I've had to pray more than usual."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Why would God hear your prayers?" Despite my attempts to be neutral my tone was acidic.

In a calm and soothing tone he answered, "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."

I looked down at my hands. We had had this conversation many times over the years maybe not in an airplane at a human speaking pace in hushed voices, but still. God might be able to forgive humans, not monsters. Nothing, not even God could redeem me. But those weren't Carlisle's beliefs. If they were, he would have never changed me. No, he believed that all were God's creatures and that being God's child was not dependant on species but on faith, hope and love. He agreed that some of our kind acted in a depraved manner, but that so did some humans. He believed that neither species were inherently bad and that us vampires simply had more and stronger animalistic urges to overcome than humans. Despite Carlisle's words, I was still unable to forgive my failures regarding Bella.

If it weren't for me, she wouldn't be hiding in a hotel room in Phoenix, while simultaneously, she had numerously reminded me, if it weren't for me, she would have been hit by that van. Once again I was torn in two. The only thing I could count on, the only thing I knew for sure, was that I needed to keep her from harm, just like I had from those scum in Port Angeles. Everything else was cloudy and uncertain.

The rest of the flight I took purposeful deep breathes in and out, attempted to match Carlisle's rhythm that seemed to never alter no matter what was happening around him, felt my throat solder reminding myself of how on fire my throat was with Bella, and told myself that I would make sure Bella stayed in this world. About halfway through the flight Carlisle looked at me cautiously.

 _You are not alone Edward. You never have been. We all love you._ Then with that he went back to thinking about how to protect Bella.

Emmett kept thinking of ways to kill James and trying to distract himself from the burn in his own throat.

It was a long flight.

Finally at 9:37am, eight minutes early we landed. Of course then it took longer than expected to taxi and park. As each minute went by I was more and more ready to jump out of the plane. Carlisle put a hand on my knee and looked at me sternly. _Just a little more patience, my son._

As soon as we had come into range I had automatically searched out for my siblings. Despite the quantity of human thoughts they were easy to find admits the chatter. Alice was internally humming the Battle of the Republic, never a good sign. Jasper was reminding himself over and over that Alice would not like it if he just took a nip of the lush tasty blood just walking around him so easily sampled. His thoughts would be calmer if he had feed. I was proud of his restraint after being with Bella so much.

Once the doors of the plane opened, my father, my brother, and I were running at a human pace towards Alice and Jasper. Except Jasper wasn't there. Just Alice. Her eyes were big as saucers and she looked … afraid.

"What happened?" I growled at sub-human levels.

She looked at me and then Carlisle and then back to me as if begging for forgiveness. Then she looked at her shoes. The fastest she was able at our murmur she told us how she thought Bella's mom had called, but then when she handed the phone over to Bella she had heard James' voice on the other end. He had Bella's mother captive and had baited Bella to come to the dance studio in exchange. "We figured that we would stand a better chance getting Renée back alive with all of us, so we decided to wait for your arrival," she concluded. _We've kept an especially close eye on her after that_ , Alice told me, and then she showed me how they had never let her out of their sight.

Right then Jasper's thoughts changed to, _She should be back by now._

Without another word I ran as fast as a human might to Jasper following his scent. My family was close on my heels.

"What happened?" I yelled when I was close enough to him. Unfortunately my tone had caught the attention of most nearby humans.

I saw the images flash through his mind. She had said she was hungry, so he went with her. Then she said that she needed to use the restroom and had gone inside, but hadn't come out and he didn't think it took as long as he had been waiting. I wanted to be furious, but it was obvious from his memory and thoughts that he had been kind and considerate to her. He obviously couldn't accompany her into the ladies room. And although he knew her heart rhythm had been trying not to focus on it while in the midst of such temptation.

"Alice. Bella has not come out. Please go in and check on her," I told her just as we arrived at Jasper.

Emmett clasped Jasper on the back.

"How does a human girl slip past the great solider of the south?" Emmett teased.

"That girl's crafty, I tell you. She's going to be dangerous after," Jasper replied as he shook his head.

I barely paid attention to their banter as my focus was on Alice and trying to hear Bella's unique sounds in the midst of all these humans and walls and floors and cars and airplanes.

Alice had slumped like she already knew she wasn't there, but went in anyway. A few seconds later Alice stated, _This way, Edward, she's no longer in the bathroom._

I followed Alice's scent through the bathroom with all my male family members following behind. We all apologizing as we went, explaining that we were missing someone as we ran through.

As we ran I looked at Carlisle eyes wide. "You lead. You know her best," he instructed.

We exited on the other side of the powder room and I immediately caught Bella's scent. I followed it down an elevator checking for her scent and rhythm at the next floor down. As the elevator descended again Alice saw Bella getting into a cab and giving the cab driver the address of her old house.

"How soon?" I asked Alice desperation heavy in my tone.

"Less than a minute I'd guess."

She had already pressed the button for the bottom level. As fast as possible we went out the doors onto the curb. She was already gone.

"Not here," I announced coldly.

"Where's the car, Jasper?" Carlisle asked.

"Forth floor of the garage. Short term parking."

"Let's go."

We ran as fast as humans could go.

Jasper must have felt something from Carlisle. I only heard from his thoughts concern and worry for Bella. "Carlisle, are you really going to be okay with this?"

Carlisle turned his head so he faced Jasper his eyes flittering to mine. "I wish there was another way. I do. I don't see it." Then his jaw set and fierce determination came to his eyes none of which I have seen since he changed Emmett. "Family comes first. If we have no other option, we must defend ourselves."

Jasper sampled Carlisle's mood and then nodded slightly. "Leave it to Emmett and I. You take care of Bella."

Carlisle seemed to relax a little. "I appreciate that Jasper. It's unnecessary, but given the circumstances, I will most likely have to take you up on your offer."

Jasper nodded in the way only a southern gentleman could do to a superior officer. It was regal and deferent yet commanding.

Emmett mentally prepared himself in anticipation.

On the way I spied a Mercedes-Benz LR McLaren. Maybe God was looking after me.

I looked at Alice. "May I?"

Alice checked. "Good to go."

Carlisle understood immediately. "Alice with me. Where to Alice?"

"Ballet studio," Alice answered dejected. She recited the address. Just in case while we were waiting in Seattle I had pulled up a map of Phoenix and had committed it. I knew where we were going, but it was across town.

We were out of the parking lot and onto the road.

I pulled out with Carlisle not far behind.

An image of Bella dead and James grinning flashed through Alice's mind. "What was that, Alice?" I asked darkly loud enough that she would hear.

"Um … earlier … before we came to the airport … I had a vision of Bella being killed and drained by James. He was in the ballet room and he was waiting for you to show up to gloat." We were still close enough that when she spoke we could all hear.

Even though Jasper was here and Alice there, his mind immediately knew what she was feeling and had the urge to hold on to her tightly and rock her.

Alice was trying to stop this possible by searching for other futures. Unfortunately, James kept changing his mind on how he wanted to kill Bella or if he wanted to wait till I got there, so as much as Alice searched it was little help.

It was so easy for Bella to die. There were so many systems dependent upon the other that if just one part stopped working she would cease to exist. I was not so lucky. The only way I could be killed would be by another vampire. Certainly my family wouldn't do it. I would have to go to Italy and ask our rules to end me or do something to force their hand in some way. I shouldn't exist and it was difficult to get rid of me while Bella who deserved a long and happy life could be easily snuffed out. It reminded me of what she had said one day in Biology, "Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair."

I responded to each time Alice saw Bella dead by flooring the gas peddle. My being felt as if it were being overcome by a little bit more darkness with each vision. Beating the visions of my killing Bella were child's play in comparison to this. As least with me killing Bella I simply had to fight my own nature. This was fighting someone else's nature and hoping I would arrive in time. I had never been good at hoping in this existence, so instead the thought that I had failed her strengthened. I manoeuvred in and out of traffic on the freeway as if we were in the Indianapolis 500. With my quick reflexes we were never hit, but more than once I heard the scraping of brakes, honking of horns, and swearing in the distance. We had travelled a little over half the distance needed when there was traffic ahead on the freeway. I swerved across five lanes and took the exit.

There was a line for the traffic light so I used the shoulder. Once at the traffic light, I gunned the engine and went through the light. Not once did I slow down for a stop sign. Not one red light either. I only slowed in order to avoid a collision. My brothers did a fine job with their thoughts the few times I slid into the oncoming lane and weaved through the cars. If I wasn't so frantic, it might have been fun. After a bit, although I could still hear Carlisle and Alice's mental voices, they were no longer in the car's mirrors. Them being with us didn't matter. What mattered was saving Bella. Alice would help Carlisle avoid the police. I mentally kept searching trying to find any shortcut, anyway to get there seconds faster.

Attracting the attention of the local police, given I was in a stolen car wasn't prudent, so I still was watching out for cops. Every once in a while I would have to turn a corner or slow down. It was nerve wracking–driving in crowded spaces, listening for cops, avoiding hitting anything, and trying to beat Alice's vision. I had beat Alice's visions before; I would again. This time it was merely a matter if we got there in time. At least, this is what I kept telling myself.

Once we were within range I began to hear James' thoughts. _Too bad this was too easy. I was right. It is a weak coven. No matter, I will enjoy myself. She isn't afraid enough probably from spending too much time with those freaks. That's no fun. How to make her afraid?_ I could also hear him teasing Bella, drawing it out, telling her his disappointment that it was easy, and his hope to fight with me. Thank goodness in his overconfidence. I needed him to continue talking for a bit longer.

When we were blocks from the studio we ran into more traffic and nowhere to manoeuvre the car. The sun was out, but there were shadows to keep me covered. I got out of the car and ran.

Jasper moved into the driver's seat.

I ran frustrated by the constraints of the sun and appearing human, but I was still faster than in the car. At less than 100 yards Bella attempted to run and James attacked her.

 _Oh that's delicious. Much better. A bit more and you'll smell just right for my taking._

At 50 yards there was a horrible sound that I knew from my hunting days was the breakage of bones and then Bella's bloodcurdling scream could be heard.

 _At least that means she's still alive,_ Jasper mused.

 _We're coming, just don't die on us,_ Emmett commanded her as he desperately wanted to make James pay for hurting Bella.

 _Too bad they break so easily. Her scream was scrumptious though. I wanted to hold off and wait for her pseudo protector, but I'd hate for it to go to waste. Such a delicacy._

At twenty-five feet from the door Bella's scent assaulted me and from the force that hit me I concluded that she was bleeding.

 _Now, how to take her so that it truly will be a feast to remember?_

I had found the strength to walk away from her. Somehow I had to find the strength to be in the same room with my temptress whose blood called to me and not take it. It was impossible, and yet, if I wished to save her I had to find a way. I took in a deep breath. With all my fury and focus entirely on James' destruction, I roared, and hurled myself through the door at James.


	55. Chapter 55: My Failures

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. The dialogue that comes from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun remains hers.**

* * *

It was quickly apparent that James was a strong smart experienced fighter. We danced while I kept my back to Bella unwilling to allow him access to her by any margin. I would do anything to keep this angel safe, even if it was at the expense of my own life. Her scream had signalled enough pain that I had caused her. Not again. He would not get close enough to harm her unless he was able to split me apart. Not to mention that my brothers weren't that far behind. He moved attempting to get closer to the blood that he wanted. He snarled, hissed, and tried to find an opening. My monster made very clear to the animal attempting to prove otherwise that the blood pouring onto the ground was _mine_. There would be no mercy for trying to take what was _mine_.

James' memories of harming women, human and vampire, overcame me and transported me back to the years when scum had been my prey. This creature facing me was scum of the worst kind. I had dealt out a form of justice then. I would again. This wasn't some human that had a soul, that might change their life around or repent and be forgiven by God. No, this creature in front of me was the optimization of everything that I hated. He was going to die and it would be by my hands. He was almost as difficult to fight as Jasper which informed me to not allow my emotions to rule me, to look for the tell, and to be patient. It was only a matter of time before he opened himself up to a vulnerability, then, like the killer I was, I would strike and end him with these hands that had murdered thousands, perhaps tens of thousands of beating hearts.

When my brothers barrelled into the room I barely recognised their presence. It was a good thing that we knew each other so well and hunted together, because my first instinct had been to unequivocally let them know this blood was _mine_. My second reaction had been to dismiss my first. They had never, not once, taken blood from me. They knew I had claimed it. They would let me have it.

If they had spoken to me telepathically, I couldn't hear them. My entire mind was bent on ensuring that this scum in front of me wouldn't make it out of this room.

 _Excellent! Even better. To fight the coven leader is far better than I hoped for. He knows he's weaker than me, that's why he doesn't stand alone._ The taste of Bella's blood filled his mind.

His mental recollection of Bella's flavour was better than I had imagined. My monster wanted her desperately. It had been patient. Perhaps my brothers could keep this scum at bay while I enjoyed my meal.

 _I am so looking forward to taking these two down and then getting back to that sweet nectar._

My fury at his arrogance drove me towards James. He would not be allowed to take what was _mine._ First we would end him. With my brothers on my side he would be defeated. Jasper touched my shoulder as he crouched. "Take care of Bella."

Through Jasper's touch he had poured trust and reassurance into me and, if I wasn't mistaken because he so rarely did so, had absorbed some of my fury, maybe even more than some. That was all it took for me to come back to myself and remember that this blood belonged to the woman I loved.

 _Even better. I will defeat these two and then take the third. Would he take her blood or change her before I end these two? No. He'll obey his coven leader. He's old enough. And a warrior from the south certainly would demand obedience. Not only am I going to end the second largest coven in the world I am going to end a southern warrior and then drink that toy's sweet nectar. Could the day get any better?_

The part of me that had craved the brutal death of the Port Angeles scum surged up in me. I wanted to be the one to rip James' head from his body and burn the pieces; I wanted my revenge. The image of doing so felt satisfying and appropriate. A desperate wanting to claim James destruction filled me. For a fraction of a second I hesitated to leave the fight.

 _Edward, go! Bella needs you,_ Jasper insisted.

Then Bella screamed in pain. Right then I remembered my priorities–I wanted to be _that_ Edward and saving her was more important than killing scumbags of any kind. I turned and looked at her. Her leg was broken, there was a large head wound, and blood was slowly dripping from her wrist. She looked incredibly pale. Terror that we might have been too late filled me.

I went to Bella yelling, "Oh, no, Bella, no!"

Behind me, my brothers kept their backs to me protecting Bella and me. We rarely wrestled two against one, but their thoughts were in sink. Perhaps they had discussed strategy after I had gotten out of the car.

 _Go for the arms,_ both of them thought.

I could imagine them signalling each other with their eyes.

James moved slightly left and then right. His movements didn't come close to matching my speed. Jasper and Emmett moved with him easily their thoughts completely engrossed in James and each other. Then without preamble Jasper and Emmett charged at James. James' feet moved and his clothes moved as if he were attempting to twist away from them. James made a guttural sound warning them off. My brothers were not deterred.

I wanted James dead, but I needed Bella alive more. "Bella, please! Bella, listen to me, please, please, Bella, please!" My human father would have been appalled to see a man begging, but I couldn't help it. I could not let this beautiful angel leave this world, especially as I was to blame for all this mess.

The sound of a hand grasping into an arm and the arm being torn from the body came in stereo.

 _What you think of that? Last time you consider doing anything to my family,_ Emmett claimed loudly.

Jasper thoughts were calmly focused as if he were in a place of utter stillness his complete attention given to the moment.

James' mind was empty in shock and then there was disbelief. _Can't be. They can't beat me. That isn't possible._

The sound of granite being scrapped across itself could only mean that limbs had been torn off. What I had only known previously to mean that we had been too rough on each other, a sound I had known only in jest and play taken too far was now associated with Bella's blood and her lying here almost dead. I understood at once what had made our play so difficult for Jasper, especially when he first joined our family, why keeping our fighting playful was a struggle for him, and how easy it would have been for him to truly damage us.

James made an unearthly noise between a snarl and a protest.

Next a horrendous scraping noise not unlike nails on a chalkboard was heard, which could only be teeth being scraped against skin. Certainly Jasper was doing the honours. I doubted Emmett would have been able to act so quickly. I had seen similar images in Jasper's mind. This would not be the first vampire he had beheaded. Jasper was efficient and experienced. He wasn't cruel. He didn't draw it out. It was over in seconds.

Images ran through Jasper's mind of myriads of vampires that Jasper had similarly ended.

The reality didn't compare to the images. Jasper's memories hadn't contained the sound, the smell, and the cold reality that a creature that once was would never be again. I had murdered hundreds of humans, but never my own kind. Jasper had spared me from carrying that weight. I appreciated it while wishing that I had been the one to do the honours as James' death did little to reduce the frantic feelings boiling within me.

 _Fast much?_ Emmett asked stunned in wonder at how quickly it was over.

Carlisle arrived and went right to Bella with Alice beside him.

"Carlisle!" I yelled urgently attempting to urge him to stop the bleeding.

He looked at me firmly. _Edward, I need you to calm down. I know what I'm doing._

His look and tone chastised me. I hung my head. Of course he would do all that he could. In my terror to lose my angel I clung onto his thoughts as a life preserver blocking out all else.

"Bella, Bella, no, oh, please, no, no!" I heard myself calling out to her as if my mouth had a life of its own.

Carlisle moved to inspect the head wound placing a bandage on it. He was in doctor mode, using all his senses to evaluate the situation, being cautious to make a conclusion till he had all the facts.

Alice stood statuesque seemingly afraid that we had lost Bella while Emmett and Jasper were continuing to dismember James to make him easier to burn.

"Bella!" I cried out as her heart lurched again.

 _Edward, listen to her heart. Calm yourself. We have to keep the family safe._

"She's lost some blood, but the head wound isn't deep," Carlisle declared evenly to Alice, Emmett, and Jasper letting them know we would most likely be safe to move her. We would need to cover our tracks.

In my despondency I had forgotten about all else but Bella.

"Watch out for her leg, it's broken," he instructed Alice.

I internally roared at the broken figure in front of me, at my own inadequacy, at Carlisle's internal assessment, at the fact that I had not been the one to end James' life and claim my revenge, how my beautiful angel was suffering for my sins, how much in this moment the monster inside of me wanted to taste the blood in front of me, how my memory told me that human blood was far superior to my present diet, this was the most incredible delectable flavour that exists, and that I was almost out of air. But none of that was going to help put Bella back together, so I did as my father had commanded. I listened to her heartbeat allowing it to reassure me.

"Some ribs, too, I think," Carlisle continued as if Bella were just any other patient. Perhaps this was his way of coping with the situation, but it was getting under my skin. Why was everyone else so collected? Even Alice who claimed to love her, who claimed to be her best friend looked concerned but not tormented as I did. In my desire to reassure myself that my family were not as unfeeling about Bella as they appeared I ventured out of Carlisle's thoughts and allowed their frequencies in.

 _We got here in time. She's not dead. The vision is still there. Carlisle will fix her. Everything will be all right._

 _She'll be okay. Carlisle knows how to fix humans. I wonder if Carlisle would be upset if we burned the building down to hide James' remains._

 _We need to minimize exposure. Fire would work here, but we will also need a cover story for Bella._

I cut them off unable to take it any longer. They were each responding, as I should have expected. Alice was concerned, but not upset because she was still confident in her vision as Bella as one of us. Emmett had complete faith in Carlisle and had no idea how fragile humans really were, as he had never held interest in medicine. Jasper was doing what was necessary to keep Alice and, thus by extension, the family safe from a visit from the Volturi. None of them loved Bella as I did–for who she was. Alice loved future Bella. Emmett cared for her. Jasper cared because Alice did. But I loved her beating heart, her warm skin, her in-breaths and out-breaths, her blushes, and how every day she changed just a little bit. She was a surprise. Everyday was a new day with her. She brought light and warmth to my life and I would not allow that to be taken away. None of my siblings understood this. Even Esme cared for Bella because of what Bella had done to me. Perhaps Carlisle understood my sentiment. After all, he had left Esme human knowing doing so was for the best.

Bella said something that sounded like Edward, but it was very slurred.

I needed her to live, to be reassured, to be safe. "Bella, you're going to be fine. Can you hear me, Bella. I love you." Officially I was out of air.

Trying to prepare myself for what would be the greatest temptation of my life I faced away from Bella as much as possible and took a breath. The taste of her moist sweet delectable blood just inches away dancing on my tongue was far superior to anything even greater than I had imagined from the scent. The monster came out of its cage deciding what was the best way to savour and relish the taste of the banquet placed before me.

Just as I went to move towards her carotid artery she said, "Edward," and Alice screamed, _EDWARD!_

Despite the volume, I barely registered Alice. My whole being turned towards the sound of my name on Bella's lips as it did odd things to my body. It warmed me and alerted me to my desire. My desire to have her in my life, to hold her, to kiss her again came back in full force igniting the fire in me once again. The fire and the monster fought inside of me for dominance.

 _Edward, please, I love her and I love you. I don't want to have the boys restrain you. I know you can do this,_ Alice pleaded.

"Yes, I'm here," is all that I could think to say to Bella.

Carlisle looked at me acknowledging my inward war. _Remember who you are, Edward, remember your love for her._

"It hurts," Bella proclaimed.

I wished that I could take the pain away, that I hadn't caused it in the first place, that I wasn't such a weak creature, and that if I had been stronger I could have spared her entering my world. I wished for so many things, but wallowing in my could haves and should haves and would haves was not what Bella needed.

"I know, Bella, I know," I said attempting to reassure her. Then I turned to Carlisle, "can't you do anything?"

 _Son, be patient. I'm doing all I can. You know the procedures._ His mental voice sounded frustrated and heavy.

Nodding, yes, I knew that. I was just upset. My temper and outbursts weren't going to be helpful right now. I needed to get better control of myself. As a distraction to what lay before me I tuned into my family's thoughts.

Carlisle was in doctor mode.

 _I can do this. Alice loves her. I spent time with her. I was the one that lost her. I wouldn't want to lunge at Edward. Just keep holding my breath and focus on something else. Stay away from the temptation. James. We need to create a cover up story for the damage caused._ Then Jasper was imagining the best way to make sure the fire covered up any unwanted questions.

I was proud of him. He was in the room with a bleeding human and keeping himself in line. Perhaps I had misjudged Jasper's control.

 _I don't feel bad at all. Shouldn't I feel bad? Carlisle would feel bad. What choice did we have? And I wasn't about to let Jasper take all the glory. I protected Rose and Bella. It's different killing someone by accident than on purpose. How do Jasper and Edward deal with knowing that they killed out of choice? It felt good though to use my strength to defend my family, to keep us safe._

 _There's so much blood. I want to sample it. I shouldn't. No, I can't. This is Bella. I love Bella. I would regret it. Edward would disown me. No, I can't. But it's right there. A little won't hurt, would it? She's already lost so much. A little more wouldn't hurt. Would it?_

Although their thoughts had certainly been a distraction, it hadn't helped much. I tuned them all out and focused only on Carlisle once more.

Carlisle turned towards Alice, "My bag, please." She flittered to where he had placed it and brought it closer to him. "Hold your breath, Alice, it will help."

Could he see her struggle?

She did as he instructed, but I watched her eyes as her desire for Bella's blood grew.

"Alice?" Bella groaned.

This seemed to help Alice fight her monster. The blood vessel loved her and she loved it. It was still a struggle for Alice, but she had been softened.

"She's here, she knew where to find you." I gave my sister a grateful smile encouraging her.

Alice looked back at me in appreciation. Blood was hard for us all. I was proud of her ability to be so near Bella.

"My hand hurts," Bella explained.

Carlisle and I both turned towards the wound. Certainly her head or leg was more important. Carlisle had begun working on her leg. I couldn't help but wonder why that was what was bothering her the most.

"I know, Bella. Carlisle will give you something, it will stop," I stated.

I looked at him for confirmation.

He nodded.

The battle between the fire and the monster was still being waged inside of me. Fortunately the fire had supremacy at the moment. Her staying alive was too central to me overriding the bloodlust to the most part, although its strength to take her was only just being held at bay.

"My hand is burning!" Bella screamed. Her eyes fluttered open, but her pupils were too dilated. She wasn't able to focus.

NO! It couldn't be. After everything that had happened, every vision I had beat, it couldn't be.

"Bella?" I asked frightened regarding what her statement might mean willing my assumption to be a lie.

"The fire! Someone stop the fire!" Bella screamed.

All four other's thoughts came to the same conclusion as mine echoing into a deafening truth: James had infected her with his venom. Alice seemed to instinctually step closer excited that Bella would soon be one of us.

I didn't want anything of that vile creature in my angel let alone his venom, his scent, his … no. A lightening rod of jealousy ignited me and torched my insides. That vile creature, that scum had infected _my_ angel. She was _mine_! Forever, for all of eternity, she would carry him inside of her. For the first time what Carlisle had done to me seemed like an intimate act. He was first and foremost my sire. His venom ran through my veins. I was beyond grateful it was no one else's. I could not allow this. There had to be a solution. The horrible despicable creature that I am started to wonder if pushing my venom into her would override his. Certainly it was a fruitless thought, but my jealousy was propelling me to new lows.

My siblings' thoughts were intense forcing themselves to be heard as they each began to imagine ways of how to add Bella as a newborn vampire into our household when we were so far away from Forks. I tuned all out but Carlisle refusing to believe that Bella's fate was to be thrown into hell by the most despicable of creatures I had come across. He was the one who seemed to always have the answered I sought and even to questions I never wanted to ask. If anyone could save her it would be him.

I scanned Bella's body for where venom might have entered her bloodstream. When I found it I growled terrified, "Carlisle! Her hand!"

"He bit her," Carlisle confirmed appalled.

I gulped. We were back to the same dilemma that had existed since Bella came into my life: Bella's death or Bella's transformation. I hadn't been able to find a third way after all. I was defeated. My cornerstone that required Bella remain human began to teeter. I held on tight insistent that there must be a way. Then Alice had a vision of my mouth to Bella's arm in the same place James had just bitten her.

"Edward, you have to do it," Alice stated subdued with remorse as she came closer and wiped away Bella's tears.

I wanted to. The monster wanted to taste her, the miser in me wanted to have her forever, my jealousy wanted to claim her.

"No!" I bellowed angry with myself for wanting the opposite of what Bella deserved.

I went round and round in my mind trying to find another way, looking at Alice pleading at her to find another option. I would not be defeated.

"Alice," Bella moaned.

Alice cringed hating to see Bella in pain yet excited at the prospect of having Bella become a Cullen. I hated myself for feeling so similar.

"There may be a chance," Carlisle said contemplatively.

I reviewed all that Carlisle had been thinking as I hadn't been paying it much attention.

"What?" I begged.

I saw the image in his mind before he spoke. Ironically, it looked almost exactly like the vision Alice had just had.

"See if you can suck the venom back out. The wound is fairly clean."

Carlisle moved back up to check on her head wound and seemed pleased at the decrease in blood loss.

"Will that work?" Alice asked frightened that I might kill Bella instead.

"I don't know," Carlisle answered. "But we have to hurry."

I couldn't. The taste would be even better than the smell; the frenzy would start; and I would never be able to stop. I had never stopped before. And I would have human blood in my system again after all these years of abstinence. It was like asking a heroin addict to have just enough of the best drug ever and then stop before the high. It couldn't be done.

"Carlisle, I … I don't know if I can do that," I stated feeling beaten. He had suggested the one thing to save her that I could not do.

"It's your decision, Edward, either way. I can't help you. I have to get this bleeding stopped here if you're going to be taking blood from her hand." His look was serious, but with the most incredible look of belief in me that I had ever seen.

"Edward!" Bella screamed.

She opened her eyes and this time looked right at me. She looked like she did when she threw herself into my car, so open, so trusting. I couldn't let her down.

"Alice, get me something to brace her leg!" Carlisle instructed as he finished stitching up her head wound. He looked at me with a level of respect and love I could never remember. "Edward, you must do it now, or it will be too late."

I looked at Bella one last time determined that I would find a way. I had taken her to the meadow without killing her. I had kissed her without her death. I had beat Alice's visions over and over. I would just have to find a way to do this as well. I could not allow that vile scum's venom to remain in her and taint her. Everything inside of me wanted to be able to do this. I picked up her hand, placed it in my palm, and locked her wrist in place. With a prayer to heaven for forgiveness and strength hoping that I was wrong about God hearing the prayers of monsters, I bent my face over the wound, smelt the venom mixed with her blood, and placed my lips against her skin.

At first the tastes rolling over my tongue and down my throat were bitter sweet, the sweetness of her blood with the bitterness of his venom. I could do this for my love, for Bella. I could decontaminate him from her. But as the blood began to be just her, I couldn't stop. The smell of her blood, the taste of it in my mouth, filled me and warmed me in a way that no human blood ever had. It was superior in every way to every man's blood that had ever sustained me. The taste was even better than her scent. It was warm and sweet and beyond delicious and it was all _mine._ I was totally and absolutely lost in it. I sank into the warmest most luscious place from which I never wanted to surface. The monster revelled and savoured and purred. I no longer had coherent thought. It was euphoric. Nothing else existed but the taste of the most luscious, scrumptious, delectable creation.

Somewhere in the far distance I heard an angel whisper, "Edward."

"He's right here, Bella," I heard Alice answer far away in the distance.

Yes, I am Edward my mind registered somewhere in my euphoria. That is Alice, my sister. And this below me is Bella.

"Stay, Edward, stay with me … " the angel's voice whispered.

That voice, oh, Bella's voice, I realised, was filled with longing and love. Bella. I love Bella. I don't want to kill Bella. I was getting rid of James' venom. Suddenly the light dawned and I stopped drinking from her. There was one more thing I wanted to do before backing away. Slowly, with my tongue, ensuring there was no venom, I measured the marking James had given her attempting as much as possible to smooth away his teeth marks. She would always have a scar. There was no way around that, but I could hide the blasphemy of his lips and teeth on her by carefully placing my indentation in the same place softly without hurting her. To my eyes I could see that there were two bite marks, but mine obscured his. Lastly, I covered the mark with my salvia stopping the blood flow. No matter what might happen in the future, mine was the mark on top, mine was the most prevalent. I had decontaminated her and claimed her. She would, until her dying day, be a human who had encountered a vampire and lived to tell the tale. She would never know the significance of the mark to me, but that was for the best anyway as she could never fully grasp the meaning.

"I will," I finally answered.

Bella sighed as if my words had healed her.

"Is it all out?" Carlisle asked me.

"Her blood tastes clean." I checked my pallet to see if there was more I could say. "I can taste the morphine."

Yes, the morphine. Now that I had stopped I could taste it, but in the moment I had been unable to discern it. When I was drinking her life force there was only her delectable scrumptious nectar. All I wanted to do in that moment was to turn back to her and have more. Intellectually I knew that even if I gave into the monster she would eventually run dry. I knew this, yet I wanted it. The craving was so strong, stronger than it had ever been before. What worse of a creature could there be than me?

 _He STOPPED? How? What? No way … it's impossible to stop and he said … I don't get it._

 _That was inconceivable. I've never, in all my years, seen a vampire stop in the midst of the frenzy unless attacked. I thought I might have to challenge him there for a moment. How did he do that?_ Jasper reviewed the moment in his mind. _Love? He stopped for love. Incredible._

My brothers' inability to fathom how I had stopped without being threatened and the fact that they were impressed soothed some of my self-hatred. They were right. I had stopped, even if the monster wanted more, out of love for the angel below me. That was something.

 _How can that be? The future is so certain. I don't understand._ Alice paused and looked into the future. _No, it's still there. How can that be? What he did was impossible. It couldn't be done. I wanted Bella to be one of us already. This means I'll have to wait some more. I hate waiting._

Carlisle's thoughts were completely focused on healing Bella.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked.

Yes, that was right. This creature below me was not just a blood vessel. This was the woman I loved, the woman I drank, the woman I wanted more from, and she would give it without resistance, she had already said that she would. She trusted me to keep her safe. I had failed. She had been right to reject me. I would make sure she was all right and then I would leave her in peace, as I should have done from the beginning. Rosalie was right. This was never going to end well.

"Mmmmm?" Bella answered.

This sound, as simple as it was, stirred the fire inside of me. She wasn't dead. She was broken and bleeding, but she was still alive, and the cad that I am wanted to touch her, kiss her, hold her despite the fact that she had said no. I had lived years in loneliness. I would again.

"Is the fire gone?" Carlisle asked her.

Given the fire raging in me the question seemed highly ironic. Only Bella had ever ignited such a fire in me. My only hope was, given its awakening, that one day I would be blessed to find someone who completed me as the other pairs in my household had.

"Yes," she sighed. "Thank you, Edward."

She thanked me for removing the fire, for drinking her, for stopping her transformation. I might just be the most despicable creature that walked this earth, but I had earned the gratitude from the woman I loved.

"I love you," was the only words that seemed appropriate.

Nothing was enough to end my wretchedness. I shouldn't love her. My love had brought her to this moment. It was a poor excuse, for sure, but I had none other.

"I know," she responded.

I giggled in relief and the disbelief that she had lived. She had so much faith in me. She knew that I loved her and she trusted me with her very life. She was courageous and trusting. I had walked away once, now I just needed to do it again. Then she could trust in someone worthy of her adoration.

My brothers were going to town tearing up the floorboards to distract themselves.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked again his voice attempting calmness in the midst of concern. Even his thoughts were calm and clinical.

"What?" Bella answered grumpily with a frown.

I hid a smile. Only she could be grumpy about a doctor checking on her.

"Where is your mother?" Carlisle asked her.

What an insensitive jerk I was. I had completely forgotten that her mother had been the bait leering Bella here.

"In Florida," she sighed. "He tricked me, Edward. He watched our videos." She paused. "Alice, the video–he knew you, Alice, he knew where you came from."

That information explained James' recognition of Alice. I hoped for Alice's sake she would get some answers into her past.

Jasper and Emmett had siphoned some gas from the stolen car and were using it to start a fire. Naturally it had been Jasper's idea in order to hide our involvement while simultaneously getting rid of James.

"I smell gasoline," Bella said surprised.

I smiled at her. She was so observant for a human. It really was incredible.

"It's time to move her," Carlisle told me.

I nodded knowing it was necessary, but being afraid. Afraid that the monster would take over and finish off where I had ended. Afraid of my desire for her sweet nectar, the place it had taken me where my mind was at peace, and the calming warm embrace it had brought. Afraid that moving her would harm her even more. There was no right action that I could do, but she would surely die here in the fire if she stayed. I thought through every conceivable way to move her with the least possible complication.

"No, I want to sleep," she argued.

I looked over at Carlisle for clarification. That seemed like a normal human response to trauma. He nodded his head. _Perfectly normal. She'll be fine. If she falls asleep we'll need to wake her in three hours to check for swelling on her brain, but for now sleep might aid her._

"You can sleep, sweetheart, I'll carry you," I said trying to calm her.

I appreciated Carlisle's reminder. I knew the same information, but in my frazzled state I seemed unable to think straight. Anyway, she would have the least likely chance of getting hurt if she was asleep. Yes, sleep in my arms, my angel I mentally urged knowing that this would most likely be the last time I would be honoured to have her heat warm me.

I picked her up and moved her quickly to the door being careful not to jostle her. Her heat caressed me, surrounded me, and embraced me. She was still alive.

"Sleep now, Bella," I commanded her while I got into the back seat of the Mercedes.

I waited while my family finished the touches on the ballet studio, Carlisle verified everything and Alice checked the future. We would find some way to properly compensate the owners. I let their minds filter into the background giving my full attention to Bella. Life was so much better with her in my arms. I felt more whole. At least James was honest about who he was. I, on the other hand, claimed to love and yet did nothing but produce harm. If this was the result of my love, then it should be cast out of me. As much as I craved her, as much I never wanted to lose the warmth she gave me, she was an angel deserving happiness and unselfish love. Even as she filled me with peace, contentment, and warmth I prepared myself for leaving her as she had requested.

When everyone came back to the car we discussed how to best create a cover for Bella's injuries. Jasper found a hotel that had two stories and a glass window perfect for staging. Alice said she would call Bella's parents after it was completed. I owed Alice thanks for handling Charlie and Renée especially as wanting to avoid them was cowardly on my part. Everyone's thoughts and actions focused on our cover up.

Carlisle dropped Jasper, Alice, and Emmett off at the hotel, while we waited in the car. With every moment that passed, as my siblings did all the essential elements to ensure our natures stayed hidden, Bella became more and more pale to the point where her skin had even worse colouring than on blood testing day. I tried to trust that Carlisle knew what he was doing and Bella wasn't at any great risk, but it became harder and harder to do so as I watched Bella become more and more ashen. At one point I gave him a look of pleading from the backseat.

 _It's nothing that she can't recover from. She is in no immediate danger. Securing ourselves from the scrutiny from the Volturi is more critical right now. Focus on her heart beating and breathing, if either change let me know._

Carlisle was right and from his thoughts I knew he had been monitoring her the whole time. I should trust him. I needed to trust him. Didn't stop my doubt and worry creeping in.

When my siblings were done Carlisle drove Bella and I to the hospital leaving them at the hotel. By the time we got there I was frantic torn between my need to save her and leave her. I walked her in demanding she be seen straight away making a scene. Fortunately Carlisle used his expertise to explain the urgent need of the situation and a stretcher was placed forward. I didn't want to let her go. Carlisle put is hand on my back. In reality it took less than two minutes.

 _She'll be in their care. She needs to go._

I nodded while Carlisle stepped forward following after her. I sat in the waiting room with my eyes closed defeated; struggling again my want to be with Bella, while knowing the cost she had paid for me loving her; trying to once again find the strength to leave her; wanting nothing more than for her to be safe; and attempting to decide if it would be better to leave her before she woke up or to face my fear of her accusations upon waking. Simultaneously, I listened to the thoughts of the doctors and nurses caring for Bella. Their greatest concern was her head injury, so they were going to put her in an induced coma for at least a day. I especially tuned into Carlisle.

After the sunset Jasper, Alice, and Emmett called me from a park near the hospital. I went and met them. There Jasper explained that the staging was successful–no questions had been raised. From his memories Alice had a fun with it, but they wanted me to use my gift to confirm what they had heard, Jasper had picked up from his gift, and Alice had predicted from hers.

"It's sounds like you got it covered, really. And any concerning thoughts will have most likely be gone by now. If they had lingered, Alice would have seen it. Thank you for all that you did," I told them all.

 _Anytime. We haven't had this much fun in decades,_ Emmett let me know.

Jasper evaluated my assessment and relented.

"So, if we're all done here, kids, I want to go back to my wife," Emmett demanded petulantly.

Alice stilled looking into the future. "Jasper and I also need to return to reduce suspicion on our family."

"Cover story?" I asked.

"We stick with the one we had decided: you came down here to convince Bella to come back to Forks and she hurt herself. You staying till she is improved awaiting her answer fits. When she wakes you tell her the story and make sure she keeps the secret."

I hissed under my breath while staring her down. "I don't know if I can do that, Alice."

"Well, there aren't better options. Carlisle can't stay. They're giving him professional courtesy, but that won't last. Not to mention that he can't be away from Forks General indefinitely. Esme can come down, but she won't be able to reassure Bella and insure the secret like you can as she barely knows Esme." Alice's tone was matter-of-fact.

It sounded reasonable, but there was something underneath her tone and how her thoughts were organized that suggested that she had a hidden reason for suggesting I stay with Bella. Could it be that she saw my decision to leave Bella and was attempting to thwart me? I wouldn't doubt it.

I looked at my brothers pleading.

Both of them shrugged neither of them offering any other ideas. Unfortunately, I couldn't come up with any either.

"Fine," I grumbled.

"Emmett can leave on the next flight out, Jasper and I will leave tomorrow after Renée arrives, as she decided to take me up on my offer to fly her here. Charlie declined, but I see it going better if I pick her up from the airport instead of you."

None of us doubted that. Esme would probably be best in soothing Renée, but that required Esme leaving Rosalie alone in Forks, which wasn't an option.

"Esme will be on the next flight after Emmett is there to help with Charlie protection," Alice explained confirming my suspicions.

I looked at Jasper. "Is it all set up?"

"Yes," he answered.

I nodded in a reluctant agreement.

"Any guesses on Victoria?" I asked Alice.

"Not really, but she's getting even more restless in Forks. I would guess in a few more days she'll come looking for James."

"Carlisle?" I asked.

"All futures look copacetic. How long he stays in part is dependent on other's decisions."

I nodded.

Usually it had been me making these family arrangements, but I had been too distracted with Bella. As much as a challenge it was to follow their suggestions, I would do as planned. They had the family's interests in heart and Alice loved Bella. Their choices could be trusted. I really needed a change of topics.

"Have you watched the video yet, sis?"

"No. I'm not ready. Maybe in Forks."

I looked at her sincerely. "I understand. Let me know if you need anything."

Jasper nodded his appreciation and I nodded back.

"How is Bella?" Alice asked.

"You can't tell?"

"It looks like she'll wake up," she explained while showing me a vision of Bella opening her eyes, "but there are many things still yet undetermined."

"Recovering. Carlisle says she'll wake up in a few days due to her head injury. Thank you for all that you did for her."

The three of them nodded, but Alice's internal tone was unusually morose. She really thought we would be taking Bella home a newborn vampire and was disappointed she was still human.

"That's not why we saved her," I told Alice softly.

 _I know that's not what you want for her, but she is fated for this life, Edward._

"I'm glad she's not dead," Alice replied once again leaving our disagreement between us.

"Yes," I replied grateful for her discretion.

Alice nodded and handed me a large packet of contacts. "Remember to change them every 6-8 hours. This hopefully will make them close to your normal colour."

"Is it bad?"

"No, but we can't have suspicious nurses," she teased thinking about how nurses fell over Carlisle, "or a questioning Renée."

I nodded. None of them except Carlisle had ever seen me with red in my eyes. Well, except Alice, but she had seen it in a vision, so I wasn't sure if that counted. Either way, it was hard on all of us, and they were trying really hard not to think about it, which was kind.

After a bit more conversation my siblings left. Once I entered the hospital I went into an individual bathroom and took out a set of contacts. As I went to put it in, I stared at myself. I had never wanted to look at myself generally, but especially when I came back to Carlisle and Esme mirrors had been the vain of my existence. The red tinge was bothersome, especially given what it meant in my family, but being here in the hospital also meant that I had been strong enough to stop. I was simultaneously repelled and pleased to see Bella in me. Most of all I was ashamed that it was necessary at all. I had stained an angel's world. And for that the red told everyone clearly what a failure I was.

Going back to my corner I listened to thoughts to determine what was happening to Bella, and tried to find a way to walk away from Bella for good. I had been able to leave her in the plan for her safety despite Alice's previous insistences that I wasn't strong enough to stay away. Yet my very cells resisted having to experience that separateness again. Alice's plan required me to be around Bella for long periods of time and then to leave. I didn't want to go through the pain again, but would for Bella's future and my family's safety. I could practice by being here and her being there.

A few hours later Bella was officially in her room. A part of me wanted to walk away and leave her alone, but she wasn't well enough yet, Alice said Victoria would be heading this way soon, and we had agreed for me to stay to ensure our cover story. I needed to play my part. Once no one was in her room I snuck in and sat watching her, guarding her.

Not much later Carlisle came in and checked on her.

 _She's recovering well. It looks like she won't have any long term damage, although she'll be in a cast for a while._

"Thank you," I murmured in our quick sub-human tone. I then proceeded to tell him Alice's plan. "Any objections?"

 _No. I will call Esme once Emmett is there to decide about her and my schedule._

"Naturally," I replied.

Images of her in his arms and he kissing her became primary.

"You need time with her together, if you two decide to separate again."

 _Yes. But I can be patient._

"We all need you and her to be well, Carlisle. Take care of her when she arrives. I will ring if there's an issue or Alice will see it."

 _Fair enough. It's hard sometimes to find balance between my devotion to her and my love of the family. You will find your own balance as well, Edward._

"It would be better if we left Bella's life after she wakes. If she's meant to be apart of our family she will return to me as Esme did to you."

He came over and put his hand on my shoulder.

 _That's a difficult choice. It was a strain for me and I had far less time with Esme than you have had with Bella._

"But it's what's best for Bella," I countered.

 _Discuss it with her when she wakes. She's older than Esme was and knows of our world as Esme did not. It would be ungentelmanly to at least not say goodbye._

I thought it over. She had given me her no. Saying goodbye did seem respectful for all that she had given me.

"All right, Dad. I will stay till she awakens, say goodbye, and then when we get back to Forks we can move."

 _If moving is what is best, then the family will support you. Even Rosalie probably won't object after these last few days._

I sighed.

 _You don't have to leave her, Edward. My path isn't necessarily yours._

I nodded sadly understanding what he meant but knowing he was wrong.

I stayed in the corner furthest from her certain that she would want nothing to do with me. At first she didn't smell right. Her scent was off due to the blood transfusions. It was weird to see her looking like my Bella but not smelling like my Bella.

Not much later Alice came up with Renée. She introduced us and smoothed the way. She explained to me in front of Renée that she was heading back to Forks, but insisted that I should check in with Carlisle.

 _Bella smells weird_ , she mentally noted.

When she looked at me I nodded just slightly.

"Will you stay, a bit, then?" I asked Alice. "I'm sure Bella would appreciate it."

 _Bella's safe. We're in a hospital for goodness sake._

I stared at her pleading. Alice's eye colour made it clear that she had hunted last night most likely with Jasper to prepare to be on an airplane. She wouldn't hurt Bella and be there in case Bella woke up.

"Fine, brother," _but you're being ridiculous._

"Thank you," I muttered. "I'll be brief."

 _Go! I need to leave for the airport._

The tone was commanding, but following it was a challenge. Every step away was difficult. My body screamed against it. I reminded myself that separating from Bella was what was in Bella's best interest. My body was the representation of the cold dead monster I had become. It didn't get a say. The ending of us had been at her request after all. I could be strong like Bella, like before. I could turn and walk away knowing that doing so was in Bella's best interest. At least, that was what I was trying to convince myself of.

It didn't take me long to find Carlisle. It seemed that he had been heading in my direction anyway.

"Prognosis?" I asked him as medical students walked by.

"Good. Another twenty-four hours will tell us a lot." Carlisle evaluated me, staring into my eyes until I looked down. "What is it?" _Please talk to me, son._

"Alice pushed me in your direction. She didn't say anything, but I suspect she disagrees with my choice."

 _Alice lives in the world of her visions. The future is not set, Edward. You get to make a choice._

"I still believe leaving is for the best, but I'm struggling. It was so hard to walk away from her, but I did it for her and the family's sake. After our proximity of late the thought has been even more of a struggle." I looked down at my hands hating to admit my weakness.

 _Are you sure this is what is for the best?_

"I don't deserve her. It's my fault that she's laying in a hospital bed broken. I brought this danger to her, caused you to be separated from Esme, and have placed the family in more risk than we've ever been before. I have been selfish and egotistical." I began shaking slowly, the weight of this truth tried to force its way out.

Carlisle took my chin and lifted it till ours eyes met. _Have you already dismissed our conversation about being deserving of love?_

I shook my head slightly no.

His eyes bore into mine. "It is not selfish to want to be loved. I acted selfishly in a way with you and then Esme and then Rosalie and Emmett. _Especially with you–my first. I could have as easily killed you as changed you. I loved you before I changed you. You know this. I was selfish in my desire to save you and have a companion._ Yet I also could not imagine life without each of you. I try to be what you need me to be. I try to serve my family. I try to accept the love offered to me. Should I not let you love me even though I acted selfishly?" He paused and I could hear him collecting his thoughts. _Bella was hurt yes, but she is still here against Alice's predictions. It seems providential to me. We helped protect Bella not out of obligation, but choice. We choose to love you, and you love her, thus we chose to protect that which you love. You are not at fault for anything but wanting to protect that which you love. Let the guilt go, my son. Talk to Bella when she wakes.  
_

"She walked boldly towards death in the hopes of saving her mother."

 _She is self-sacrificing._

I nodded. "I can't let her sacrifice her _life_ for me. I'm certain that she would if I asked. It's in her character. I can't be that selfish." I spoke acidly and darkly in a human whisper.

"Does she not have the right to choose, my son? It's her life after all." He had a pained expression as he mentally wondered if each of us would have chosen this life if he had asked.

"She doesn't know what she's choosing."

"Then make it clear."

"What if she chooses wrong?" My face was twisted in torment.

"My son." And then he wrapped his arm around me. I did not understand what he meant. _Who can say what is outside of the realm of God?_

"What about the ten commandments?" I asked even more confused.

"Yet God gave a way for those who broke those laws to be forgiven and brought back into community to be loved once again."

The strength of Carlisle's conviction was staggering. "I do not deserve it."

"None do."

"And I cannot do it."

"That is between you, her, and the Almighty." _Although after the fact that you stopped already …_ Then he stopped that thought, focusing wholly on me again.

"What do I do?" I pleaded.

"You stay by her side, _for all our sakes,_ wait for her to wake up, _tell her the cover story,_ and till then behave gentlemanly _even if those around you do not extend the same courtesy._ Then you do what all mortal men in love do: you find the courage to confess the truth of your sentiments." He smirked! Smirked! The cheeky bastard. Memories of him and Esme began to fill his mind. "Remember my dear son, I went through similar torment with your mother."

"Humm …" It had not seem that way. Esme had been as smitten as he. It hadn't seemed like anyone was in torture but me. Both of them had been concerned of the other's thoughts and intentions. But I had known that they were the same and their dancing around each other had driven me nuts.

"Is love always like this?"

"Exactly like this, no, but similar enough, yes."

I could feel the contacts getting too thin. "Um, Dad, I need to excuse myself to the bathroom."

He looked at my eyes. "Of course. Then go be with her."

"Yes, sir." I walked away, found a private bathroom, changed my contacts, and then went back to Bella's room.

Renée looked at me darkly when I entered the room. Once Alice said her goodbyes, Renée looked at me piercingly. "Are you the cause of all of this?" While her hand swept over her daughter.

"Yes, ma'am. I deeply regret the harm that has come to Bella." I looked at my shoes.

"Well, now, her falling down the stairs isn't your fault?" She evaluated me critically.

"I am at fault for not getting to her sooner, ma'am."

She shrugged. "Well, none of us are clairvoyant. You brought her in, right?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, then." She said this definitively, as if that cleared everything up.

Renée thought in pictures and colours like Esme's, but more childlike. After a bit it was obvious that Renée didn't plan on leaving the hospital. I debated about whether or not I should cohabitate with her or leave the hospital after a bit longer.

I took her words as a sign that it was safe to stay. I sat in the chair furthest from Bella that was in a corner next to the bathroom and away from the blinds. There I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. After a little bit Renée came over, checked on me, and placed a blanket over me.

My mind went round. I remembered the wonderful feeling I had experienced when Bella touched me. I revelled in her smile, her quick assessment, how she saw me so clearly, and her courage. I loved how much she loved. I also could not dislodge the image of Bella's crumpled body both in the studio and the bruised broken one before me. I had failed to keep her safe as I had promised Charlie, Bella, and myself.

The more I had gotten to know Bella, the more I liked who she was, the more in love with her I was, and the more determined I was to give her the life she deserved. I thought back to the day that I had asked her on a date, the day she had said yes. I had decided that it wasn't really a yes, because she didn't know what I was. Then she learned what I was and still said yes. Yes, I want you, Edward, she kept saying. In the meadow she said that she would rather die than be without me. That was a strong yes. Her attraction to me had perhaps overpowered her and certainly it nearly killed her. This couldn't possibly what she wanted. She had said as much to Charlie. Certainly, Carlisle's wish that she would want to stay with me was simply an expression of his distorted view of me. No, Carlisle couldn't possibly be correct. Billy's thoughts were much more likely to be on target–she had a crush on me and was infatuated.

After six hours of these thoughts going round and round my contacts needed changing. I acted as if I was waking up, then went to the bathroom provided with the room, changed contacts, and made noises as if I were human. Then I came out and went back into the chair for another contact window. While I was in the chair I heard Renée talking to Charlie over the phone.

"Everything's fine, Charlie."

"Is she awake?"

"No, not yet, but the doctors say that's normal. They're not worried. She'll be fine. It's not like this is her first time in the hospital."

"Perhaps I should come to bring her back."

"I thought we agreed Charlie that there was no reason for you to be here. As soon as she wakes up I promise to call you. If you want to come then, so be it, but there's no reason for you to miss work just to sleep in a hospital chair."

"Fine," he answered gruffly. "As soon as she wakes up."

"Of course, Charlie."

Mostly Renée rested or read trashy magazines. When Renée slept, apart from when the nurses came in to check on Bella, I didn't have to feign sleep. Instead I sat, looked out the slits in the blinds, and reviewed all the places where I had gone wrong regarding Bella. Despite my errors, she had unconsciously unmade me and reformed me into something new. My well-being now depended on hers.

In the morning I heard Carlisle come in, check on Bella, and ask Renée if she wanted anything from the cafeteria. He sat some food down near me. _You have to wake up and pretend to eat when these contacts are done._ Renée had declined his offer.

By the time I needed to change contacts I looked at the clock missing the comfort of knowing that my siblings were but a phone call away, but was reassured by the fact that Esme would be here soon. When I came out of the bathroom I asked Renée about the food left near me.

"Your Dad brought it for you."

"Thanks."

I moved the food around and put some in my pockets as always. "How is she?"

With heaviness Renée answered, "About the same."

A little bit later a custodian came in.

"Are you finished with your food?" he asked.

"Yes, thank you," I told him.

Then when Renée left I place what had been in my pockets in the trash.

After another contact change Carlisle came in again with another meal and car magazines. He asked Renée again if there was anything he could get her. She declined. _I'm on the way to pick up your mother. We'll be at the hotel if you need us._

Later when it was nearly twilight Renée asked me about myself.

"What would you like to know?"

"Carlisle seems a bit young to be your father."

"I was adopted. I also have four siblings, two sisters and two brothers. You met Alice. There's also Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie."

And so, in this way, we had a small polite conversation about my family's cover story. I realised that apart from Bella this was the longest time I had been in the company of one human. I wondered how Carlisle managed working. Slowly I brought the conversation round so that Renée was talking and I was listening. I heard about her and Phil. She told me stories about Bella when she was little and other accidents she had over the years, how many times she had been in the hospital prior to now, and how Bella's clumsiness worried her.

My heart expanded hearing about Bella when she was little. I wished I could have protected her from every hospital visit, every sprain, every skinned knee. It seemed like Bella's life had been one catastrophe after another. Perhaps this is why death didn't scare her. She had come close to death many times before. Yet, at the end she ran from James futile as it might have been. Some part of her wanted to live. This gave me hope.

When my contacts needed changing I excused myself and fawned sleepiness when I returned. As much as I enjoyed Renée's stories, I preferred the silence and listening to the steadiness of what made Bella human. Finally in the middle of the night Bella started to smell like my Bella. Of course, this made her more tempting, but it was worth the burn to have her smell like herself. It was ironic that feeding from Bella was making her scent more endurable than ever before. I just wasn't that thirsty, as she was much more satisfying that any lion, even with the low amount that I had taken. I could see no end to our relationship that wasn't tragic unless I found the strength to walk away.

A few hours after my next contact change Carlisle came in. He checked up on her and then addressed me. _Thirsty?_

I shook my head no slowly.

 _Even with the … feed you had, you're in close quarters. You'll need to hunt soon. You're not going to take chances. The risk of … relapse is higher right now. Tomorrow night._ His face was full of compassion. _You were brave and courageous. I'm proud of you. I would just rather be safe than sorry._

He didn't need to add, with your history. "I know, Dad. It's okay," I answered in rapid sub-human levels.

I didn't want to relapse either, especially with Bella's taste still in my mouth. No, I knew Carlisle was right. I should hunt tomorrow night.

He put his hand on my shoulder. _She's here with us and you saved her. Remember that._

I smiled slightly and nodded.

 _Alice called. Evidently James had hunted Alice when she was human. Then James killed the vampire that changed her as retribution. Alice will show us all the video after this is over, although evidently he was taunting you, so you might want to excuse yourself. You were right; we had no other choice._

As he said this last part three hundred years were suddenly added to his features. Even against an enemy that would have killed us joyfully my father grieved. After a few minutes he rearranged his features, took his hand away, and left. I returned to my night musings. They hadn't brought me any peace. I decided to keep the same routine as yesterday. I changed contacts when it was time, and then pretended to sleep while Carlisle brought me food. When it was time to change them again, I pretended to wake up and worked on my food.

During the morning the doctor had talked to Renée and explained to her that they were withdrawing the medication keeping Bella in a coma, but they had no idea when she would actually wake up. Certainly her scent was normal now. Her heart rhythm and breathing were that of a deep sleep, but I couldn't register any differences except the change in the medication scents that they had brought in and were using. Renée wasn't in a talkative mood all morning, so I read and then re-read and then pretended to read my magazines. She had taken to opening the blinds, but fortunately Carlisle, in his great wisdom, had gotten Bella a room that had no direct sunlight. I wondered if Carlisle could get me a book or if that would appear too pretentious.

Later in the morning Esme came to visit Bella and me. She wore gloves and a large hat, which reminded me of years gone by when she used to do the same. She took them off as she entered the room.

"Renée this is my mother, Esme. Esme, this is Bella's mother, Renée," I stated as soon as Esme had walked in.

"How is she?" Esme asked after both women had exchanged pleasantries.

"Recovering, but not yet awake," Renée answered.

"Well hopefully she'll wake up soon," was Esme's reply. Then she took a chair that was in the room and brought it next to me. Renée acted as if she wasn't paying attention, but her thoughts were focused on us curious about my mother. "How are _you_ doing, Edward?" Esme asked at a human whispering volume.

"Upset and worried, but better than Bella," I answered honestly at the same volume.

 _Are you thirsty?_

I barely moved my eyes left, right, and then left.

"I'm proud of you, Edward." _Carlisle said that you took James' venom out. How did you accomplish that?_

"Thanks, Mom, but I wasn't quick enough. She still broke her leg, cut open her head, and broke ribs. That's nothing to be proud of," I stated emphatically.

"Wrong again, Edward." _You're not the master of the universe. You couldn't control Bella's choices and you couldn't control James' behaviour. But regarding the things you could control you acted exemplary. That's what matters. I'm proud of the choices you made and your strength in following them through. I'm not even sure if Carlisle could have consumed that much blood and then stopped. You accomplished the impossible. I couldn't be prouder._

I looked down at my hands embarrassed. "But I failed to keep her safe," I pleaded with her to understand my failures keeping the same whispering volume.

"She is alive," _and you did everything within your power and what is considered impossible._ "You are not God. You do not control everything that happens in this world," _or to the woman you love._

"Okay, Mom, I get it. You're proud," I grumbled, but my face was threatening a small smile.

She had been proud of me when I saved Bella from the van and she was proud of me again. That was worth something.

 _You need to hunt soon._ "I'll be back this afternoon and take you out to eat. You must be tired of hospital food," she stated at a standard human volume smiling slyly.

"Actually, Mom. That would be great," I replied.

"All right. I'll be back," she proclaimed as she stood up.

"I think I'll walk out with you," Renée stated.

"Lovely," Esme proclaimed as she smiled welcoming smile that put anyone at ease.

As soon as they left I stared at Bella willing her to wake up. 13.6 minutes later she opened her eyes and went to use her hand to remove the oxygen going into her nose.


	56. Chapter 56: Impasse

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. The dialogue that comes from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun remains hers.**

* * *

"No, you don't," I reprimanded Bella as I caught her hand.

I tried to hide my anxiety and fears behind a mask of calmness. I had yet to be good at getting Bella to see reason, yet I wanted to listen to Carlisle's advise. For irrational reasons I was hesitant to have the woman I loved tell me she wanted nothing to do with me even though she had said no indirectly when she spoke to her father. The thought of her doing so felt as if my body were being tugged at the seams.

"Edward?" she spoke her voice hopeful. She turned her head slightly towards me. "Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry!" Her voice was full of sorrow as if she was just about to cry.

This was not the reaction I had expected. She was not supposed to be grateful I was there, act like seeing me made her day, or apologize. It was too confusing. I couldn't understand what she wanted. How could she be saying no to me and at the same time be glad to see me? It made no sense. Not to mention her saying sorry. I was sorry. I was the monster whose eyes still had evidence of my failures. More than anything though I couldn't bear to see her cry, so my priority was to calm her. I could sort through the rest after that.

"Shhhh … Everything's all right now," I soothed her unable to think of anything else to say.

A part of me wanted to argue with her and scold her rather than comfort her, but given that she was the one broken in a hospital bed it seemed uncouth to do so.

"What happened?" she asked conspiratorially.

I looked at her eyes trying to decipher how much she couldn't remember while trying to figure out how much I wanted to tell her.

"I was almost too late. I could have been too late," I muttered after determining that my greatest need was to confess.

No words could ever convey how absolutely sorry I was.

"I was so stupid, Edward. I thought he had my mom."

Maybe we were alike in this way. She had seemed to need to confess her choices to me and ask for my forgiveness. But it was unnecessary. She acted out of self-sacrifice while I acted out of selfishness. She had nothing to apologise for. At the same time, I had to agree with her. She had been stupid, but voicing my agreement at this stage seemed cruel. She had been stupid, but so had us all. We had been arrogant to think that our gifts and numbers could out-do him without penalty. In all the visions Alice had seen while we had driven away from the field Bella usually was the one who ended up the worst off. What we were gave us some protection, but Bella was soft and warm and fragile. She would always pay the price and I couldn't have that. If anyone deserved to pay a penalty, it was me.

"He tricked us all," I said to reassure her. It was a truthful statement as it included Alice and Jasper, the strongest pair in our family.

How Bella ever tricked them too was beyond me. With their gifts it was near impossible to get anything past one of them, let alone both. Members of our family including myself had tried through the years. It would be impressive if it hadn't been so costly.

"I need to call Charlie and my mom," she told me assuredly.

She had just woken up from an attack and a medically induced coma and her first concern was to apologise to me, then her second was to check on her parents. This woman seemed unreal. My inadequacy in comparison to her overwhelmed me.

"Alice called them. Renée is here–well, here in the hospital. She's getting something to eat right now," I explained.

I watched her eyes as she took in that information. There was comfort, reassurance, and then concern.

"She's here?" she asked moving as if to get up and her eyes dilated frantically. Then adrenaline began to enter into her system.

Pushing her back down I reasoned that her reaction must be left over fear from James threatening her mom.

"She'll be back soon, and you need to stay still," I pleaded with her through my contacts.

Perhaps this inclination of hers to forget about her own needs was partially what had made me so protective of her. In many ways Bella was too thoughtful of others for her own good.

"But what did you tell her? Why did you tell her I'm here?" She was becoming frantic.

Needing her to calm down I tried to dazzle her.

"You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window," I stated deadpan.

Her face contorted in a strange way.

I paused. "You have to admit, it could happen."

She didn't seem to be responding to my attempts to dazzle her as she used to. Perhaps the contacts interfered with my persuasive abilities.

She sighed deeply and then looked down the bed contrite. "How bad am I?"

"You have a broken leg, four broken ribs, some cracks in your skull, bruises covering every inch of your skin, and you've lost a lot of blood. They gave you a few transfusions. I didn't like it–it made you smell all wrong for a while," I said briskly.

Every injury on this list represented a black mark against me, how I had failed her. None of these injuries would be there if it weren't for my inability to maintain the glass wall that had once existed between us. This was the cost she paid for my incapacity to temper my jealousy.

"That must have been a nice change for you," she stated sincerely as if her scent alteration would have been welcomed.

The fervency with which she spoke took me by surprise. My reply was as equally ardent. "No, I like how _you_ smell."

Despite the torturous burn and the monster's insistence on having _more_ , her scent had become a part of my assuredness that Bella was alive and human, and I wouldn't trade _that_ for anything.

"How did you do it?" she asked her face full of curiosity.

Of course my Bella was curious. She was always curious. I had been wondering that myself since I had given Bella over to the care of the doctors. I had struggled to agree with Jasper's conclusion because I couldn't reconcile how a human emotion like love had overridden such a basic instinct.

"I'm not sure." I looked away knowing that her blood still tainted my eyes. Then she placed her hand into mine. I sighed. Such trust. "It was impossible … to stop. Impossible. But I did." I looked at her and smiled a little. "I _must_ love you," I stated in a slightly teasing tone.

Although I didn't agree with Jasper, I had nothing else to offer.

"Don't I taste as good as I smell?" She smiled, but then immediately grimaced.

I could only hope that she had realised the implication of her question. Once again she asked a question I didn't want to answer. It was a trap question. No answer would lead to a positive outcome.

"Even better–better than I'd imagined," I muttered honestly with guilt and shame coating my words.

This confessed truth was tearing up my insides as the monster gleefully looked on hoping that it was a sign to continue. Her blood inside me gave me strength. I was stronger than I had been possibly since I had hunted scum while Bella was the weakest I had ever seen her. The damning evidence was in my irises.

"I'm sorry," she stated mutely.

I raised my eyes to the ceiling while I attempted to rein in my exasperation and irritation. "Of all the things to apologize for." For the love of all that is holy it was like her brain was perpetually backwards. There were so many things that needed forgiveness. The fact that she tasted even better than she smelled could never be one.

"What _should_ I apologize for?"

What. Should. She. Apologize. For? The words both individually and together were unable to penetrate my brain. Had I not insisted that she keep herself safe? Did she have no comprehension of how important her remaining safe and human meant to me? My mind was in a tailspin unable to stop the anger increasing with each rotation.

"For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever," I growled between clenched teeth. Because you have made me feel more alive in these weeks than decades prior.

She had said no. I would walk away. We would never see each other again. All that was painful, but bearable if it meant that she was still in the world. I couldn't stand the thought of her not on this planet. This was why I needed to leave. She would be safer if I wasn't in she life. In the midst of my rationalization a small part of my brain reflected on what I had just said. The part of me that wished to keep the feelings she gave me forever had spoken. I didn't know how to convince that part of myself that it could not have her forever anymore than the monster was allowed to drink her. Either would kill her and I refused that reality.

"I'm sorry," she told me sounding contrite.

I appreciated the sentiment, although certainly not doing something so colossally stupid would have been better. Not to mention that her intention could not have been more honourable. She loved her mother. It was love that propelled her. I would be a hypocrite if I couldn't admit that I understood.

"I know why you did it," I said softly. I would have done the same if it were someone in my family. "It was still irrational, of course. You should have waited for me, you should have told me." Or Alice and Jasper. Why didn't you just ask for help?

While I had awaited her awakening I had imagined so many alternatives. In one I took her to a far away destination while my family surrounded the ballet studio and killed him. In another Carlisle stayed with Bella in a hotel while my siblings and I finished him. The only constant theme was that she was nowhere near James.

"You wouldn't have let me go," she replied emphatically but there was a touch of sadness in her tone.

I thought about that, trying to find a scenario where her statement was not true, trying to understand what the sadness was about. My Bella was stubborn and determined. It was one of the things I loved about her and drove me crazy.

"No," I agreed grimly. "I wouldn't." Her putting herself in that type of danger was unacceptable. We could all be reassembled. She could not be.

She shuttered and then winced.

Replaying all that had happened between my words and her reaction I attempted to understand what could have caused her response. Eventually I gave up.

"Bella, what's wrong?" I asked almost pleading for her to be honest with me this time, hoping that this time she would ask for help.

How I wished that I could read her mind and know what was going on with her. Was she responding to something I said? Was she in pain? Was our conversation causing her to remember her unpleasant encounter with something akin to who I am?

"What happened to James?" she asked her voice trembling some. Her eyes held fear and concern.

Perhaps, then, her reaction was from whatever was left over in her system due to her encounter with James. I wasn't sure if that was the better of the options.

"After I pulled him off you, Emmett and Jasper took care of him," I explained.

There was no need to go into much detail. Certainly the less she knew the better. I was back to truth without details. Despite my years of being a convincing liar, I seemed unable to be anything but truthful with Bella.

She sounded confused. "I didn't see Emmett and Jasper there."

That made sense with the limitations to human eyesight and hearing not to mention the pain she had been in. I thought of how to explain, while being honest, and yet not disparage my brothers in anyway. They had both done so much for her.

"They had to leave the room … there was a lot of blood," I finally settled on.

Jasper had been right. I had needed to attend to Bella, but I still wished that I could have been the one to rip his head off from his shoulders and set it on fire.

"But you stayed." Her voice was full of awe and warmth like I had just done the most incredible romantic act possible.

Certainly staying had been challenging with the call of her blood. I had almost taken it all. None of her reactions were deserved. It made me so uncomfortable that I almost wished she would take it back.

"Yes, I stayed" was all that I could admit to.

Wishing that I had arrived sooner, that she hadn't gone at all, that drinking her hadn't been necessary to begin with was futile at this point. There was no changing the past, but it didn't stop the complete and utter sense of failure that I felt.

"And Alice, and Carlisle …" her voice full of wonder.

She did remember them. I was glad that she did.

"They love you, too, you know." As does Emmett in his way and Jasper's mind indicated that he had accepted her, which was more than could be said of Rosalie.

But none of their love reached out and aimed to kill her like mine did. None of them loved her with the tragic love that I did. Maybe theirs was a better love, a safer love for Bella.

"Did Alice see the tape?" she asked as if she was just remembering something important.

Why was it that Bella was more concerned about everyone else but herself? First me, then her parents, then James, and now Alice. It was endearing while incredibly irritating.

"Yes," I answered darkly.

The fact that James had anything to do with Alice boiled the venom inside of me. My greatest fear had been that I would find out that James' venom ran through her veins. I wouldn't have loved her any less, of course, nevertheless I had recoiled at the thought that vile monster had anything to do with Alice.

"She was always in the dark, that's why she didn't remember."

I was uncertain what that meant. Bella assumed that I had seen the tape already, which made sense, but I wasn't yet privy to the details. And I hadn't yet decided if I wanted to know the details. There were things, many things that I wish I didn't know.

"I know. She understands now." I tried to keep my voice even, but even just what Carlisle had said about James hunting Alice was overwhelming me.

In a way Alice was lucky. She could have suffered a much worse fate if James had caught up to her. Whoever had protected her had done the only thing possible. I had wondered if Alice had seen it coming and had chosen it.

Bella moved her hand towards me face, but was stopped by the IV. "Ugh," she groaned.

My eyes darted across her body in concern.

"What is it?" I asked anxious that she was in pain.

James' mental images were still burning in my mind. His prey had included Alice and then Bella. Our similarities felt as if God were about to condemn me to be burnt slowly at the stake. Even if a woman had never been mistreated by my hands I had mistreated plenty of humans. How many more decades of hunting humans would it have taken before I had become more like James? My past combined with my incapacity to maintain the glass wall between us had hurt Bella as surely as I had been the one to lure her to her intended death. I had done enough damage.

"Needles," Bella explained.

She looked up at me with a look of wanting me to comfort her while she attempted to take deep breaths.

Perhaps I should have comforted her; instead my being was simultaneously filled with the desire to cry and to laugh. The contrast was beyond ironic. "Afraid of needles," I muttered to myself shaking my head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An _IV_ , on the other hand …"

She rolled her eyes.

Her reaction created a cauldron of emotions within me, the strongest being anger. How could she be so cavalier about her own life? I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to scream. I wanted to knock some sense into her, but more than anything I wanted to be able to leave her as I had met her. Instead she was broken. I had failed. And she chose to complain about an IV.

"Why are _you_ here?" she asked confusion and uncertainty in her tone.

Her tone and question caused me to be hesitant. The abrupt change in conversation was startling, then her words came together one by one, and I knew this was the moment. This was when we would say our goodbyes. Even though I had expected it, I couldn't help but be saddened by it.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked unable to hide the tone of distress but prepared for a reluctant yes before my mind could stop my mouth.

Watching her carefully she initially seemed confused, then surprised, and then irate.

The strength of her reaction was shocking. "No!" she nearly shouted as if my question was a bullet. Then she calmed a little. "No, I meant, why does my mother think you're here? I need to have my story straight before she gets back."

I was unsure which part of her statement I should respond to. The second half was easy enough, although the first part left me reeling. Bella had said no. She had told her father that she was leaving me as she cared about me too much. So, why did she respond that way? She had tossed me around too much and I had lost the capacity to follow what she was trying to tell me.

"Oh," I replied dumbly. I decided to put aside the conundrum for the moment. Putting on my most earnest expression, the one used to explain things to the nurses and doctors and Renée I explained, "I came to Phoenix to talk some sense into you, to convince you to come back to Forks. You agreed to see me, and you drove out to the hotel where I was staying with Carlisle and Alice–of course I was here with parental supervision, but you tripped on the stairs on the way to my room and … well, you know the rest." My features changed to reassure her, as she looked a little shell-shocked. I hadn't meant to upset her. I seemed to do little else but cause her discomfort or pain. "You don't need to remember any details, though; you have a good excuse to be a little muddled about the finer points," I finished up lamely.

Silence passed between us as I watched Bella analyse the story through her eyes. "There are a few flaws with that story. Like no broken windows," she eventually pointed out.

"Not really," I countered with a smile in my voice. The mental images Alice had conveyed to me had been enjoyable. "Alice had a little bit too much fun fabricating evidence. It's all been taken care of very convincingly–you could probably sue the hotel if you wanted to. You have nothing to worry about." I took my finger and stroked her cheek. "You're only job now is to heal."

As soon as I touched her the heart monitor jumped erratically. Then she blushed crimson.

"That's going to be embarrassing," she muttered under her breath.

I chuckled enjoying the machine's confirmation of what I had previously heard privately. "Hmm, I wonder …"

Without thought merely acting on my curiosity I leaned in slowly. The monitor accelerated more wildly the closer I got to her. I watched her waiting for her to stop me, waiting her for her to tell me no. I yearned for one more kiss. It would be something to remember what we had by. I checked for any objection from Bella right before I gently placed my lips upon hers, while mentally thanking the Almighty for whatever it was that aided me in stopping taking her blood so I could do this, this precious movement. It was everything, pulling me into an altered state where she and I were possible, my body pulsing like it was alive, and pushing aside all previous thought. It brought me to euphoria without the risk of her death. After a few seconds the machine monitoring her heart had stopped beeping. My kiss had stopped her heart! I immediately pulled away. Luckily as soon as I did her heart started up again.

"It seems that I'm going to have to be even more careful with you than usual." I frowned. Even my kisses were killing her. If there was any doubt left that I was not good for her, the machine had been the last nail in the coffin.

"I was not finished kissing you. Don't make me come over there." She had the mix of a pout and a threat.

I grinned pleased that I had read her desire to have one more kiss correctly. After all her no hadn't been due to a lack of attraction, but rather her awareness that she cared about me too much. Her reactions to her attraction to me were going to end her or me or possibly both. If I killed her from us kissing, I really would have to find a way to kill myself, as I would be unable to live with the guilt. After debating the wisdom of doing as Bella requested, I pressed my lips against hers again this time more gently and chastely keeping most of my attention on her heart. She had sacrificed so much; I couldn't deny her. The monitor made all kinds of crazy noises. I stopped and pulled away. At least I didn't stop her heart again.

"I think I hear your mother," I told Bella.

Renée's thoughts were hard to pin down. I hadn't been sure at first, but certainly she seemed closer. I grinned at the thought of her catching us.

"Don't leave me," she cried.

The monitor did a different kind of erratic movement. There was terror in her eyes. She probably hadn't fully digested the reality that James was gone. She was afraid for her safety, which made perfect sense given what she had gone through.

"I won't." I smiled. "I'll take a nap."

Alice had been right. Bella was struggling to accept that she was safe. She would have resisted reassurances even more if it had been another family member. Going back to my previous station I thought about how to convince Bella that the danger was gone. If Victoria felt strongly enough to seek revenge, then it was even more important that my family be far away from Bella. If not, Bella could once again be caught in the crosshairs. This was why Bella had been right in what she had told Charlie. Her affection for me and my love for her were not good for her. They would lead to nowhere safe.

"Don't forget to breathe," she whispered sarcastically.

I internally smiled at her joke. Despite all that I had forced upon her, the fact that she could joke about my nature hopefully meant she would heal from her fears soon.

The door opened and Renée started to come in.

"Mom!" Bella whispered full of love and relief.

Renée tiptoed to Bella's side. "He never leaves, does he?" Renée mumbled under her breath.

Renée's thoughts were a combination of me as an angel guarding Bella and a tyrant keeping her in a locked room. I found both images disturbing. Before I could push Renée's thoughts aside I remembered my task for being here. Whether I liked how Renée thought about or not I needed to ensure that our secret wasn't leaked. I was here for damage control, nothing more.

"Mom, I'm so glad to see you!" Bella exclaimed.

Renée moved closer into Bella and the salt associated with tears hung in the air. They smelled like Bella's, but given the women's genetic similarity, I couldn't be absolutely certain of which woman was teary-eyed.

"Bella, I was so upset!" Renée lamented.

I found myself wanting to hiss at her. Here Bella was broken and battered and she was talking about her own emotional state. Esme always cared about how we were feeling and rarely shared her own struggles. The thought that Esme was more of a mother than this woman disarmed me.

"I'm sorry, Mom. But everything's fine now, it's okay." She sounded like a parent soothing a child.

From Bella's stories I had guessed this was the dynamic between them, but to watch it was a struggle. Bella had carried responsibilities far beyond her years. Perhaps her self-sacrificing qualities were learned from an early age.

"I'm just glad to finally see your eyes open."

The bed groaned as if Renée had sat down on it. Renée's mental pictures were full of the various times Bella had been in the hospital.

I internally whined wishing once more that I could shut Renée's mental pictures out.

"How long have they been closed?" Bella asked.

Her tone and questions were so different with Renée.

"It's Friday, hon, you've been out for a while," Renée explained.

Those words compounded my guilt. Not only was she broken, battered and blue, but she had been unconscious for far too long.

"Friday?" Shock and then fear tinted her voice.

I replayed the fear in my mind attempting to figure out how to reassure Bella that she was safe once more especially as I was bowing out.

"They had to keep you sedated for a while, honey–you've got a lot of injuries." Worry and sadness coloured her words.

I attempted to contain the grimace that threatened to colour my features.

"I know." Bella sounded sad perhaps with the smallest sliver of regret.

Hopefully she was regretting letting James bait her and not being willing to ask for help. Over and over again since I had met Bella she had insisted she didn't need help when she did. She was so independent and certain that she could do things by herself. I had similar notions right before I had left Esme and Carlisle. It had cost hundreds of humans their lives for me to learn that I should have asked for help when I had been first temped to no longer be vegetarian. I wished that I could impart my wisdom onto Bella, but she seemed stubbornly unwilling to listen. How Esme and Carlisle put up with me was baffling. They must really love me was the only reasonable answer. Suddenly my fear that I would be kicked out of the family seemed ridiculous. Would there ever be a line that I could cross that would cause them to stop loving me? It seemed doubtful. How had I ever doubted it before?

"You're lucky Dr. Cullen was there," Renée commented. "He's such a nice man … very young, though. And he looks more like a model than a doctor …"

Renée's mental images were similar in nature to nurses that Carlisle encountered. They saw none of his animalistic nature, solely his compassion and beauty. Chucking and groaning internally it seemed confirmed that in my attempt to be safer for Bella I had become more like Carlisle in this way.

"You met Carlisle?" Bella's voice was reserved but hopeful.

Renée nodded once again mentally attempting to reconcile Carlisle's outward appearance with his skills as a physician. After a few minutes her mind was filled with images of Alice greeting her at the airport.

"And Edward's sister Alice. She's a lovely girl."

Bella's eyes shone. "She is." The must have bonded over the few days together.

"You didn't tell me you had such good friends in Forks."

I imagined that Bella was just about to change the conversation in order not to talk about herself anymore.

Bella moaned.

I opened my eyes and surveyed her. I couldn't see any problems and her rhythms were fine.

"What hurts?" Renée asked concerned.

I suppressed a chuckle at how Bella had changed the topic.

"It's fine. I just have to remember not to move," Bella retorted with irritation.

I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep again wondering if Bella's timing was purposeful.

"Where's Phil?" Bella asked.

There was the Bella I knew. It pleased me that I had guessed correctly.

"Florida–oh, Bella! You'll never guess! Just when we were about to leave, the best news!" Renée's excitement revelled Alice's.

No wonder Alice had seen her and Bella being such great friends.

"Phil got signed?" Bella asked with a hint of exasperation.

"Yes! How did you guess! The Suns, can you believe it?"

It didn't surprise me that Bella guessed right. She was highly observant for a human.

"That's great, Mom," she said feigning excitement, but there was weariness in her tone that I didn't understand.

"And you'll like Jacksonville so much," Renée continued. "I was a little bit worried when Phil started talking about Akron, what with the snow and everything because you know how I hate the cold, but now Jacksonville! It's always sunny, and the humidity really isn't _that_ bad. We found the cutest house, yellow, with white trim, and a porch just like in an old movie, and this huge oak tree, and it's just a few minutes from the ocean, and you'll have your own bathroom–" Renée's mental pictures made it seem like it was out of a fairytale.

Renée had said all that as if it were one sentence and had not once paused for a breath.

"Wait, Mom!" Bella interrupted. "What are you talking about? I'm not going to Florida. I live in Forks." To my surprise there was no sadness or wistfulness in her voice. Rather she was determined if not livid.

She must enjoy living with her father more than she had let on. Neither were big talkers and both were difficult for me to read. Nevertheless, the way she had talked about her mom on the first day we had conversed in Biology I had assumed that she would have wanted to go back to being with her mother at the first chance.

"But you don't have to anymore, silly." She laughed lightly as if Bella's statement was being completely brushed off. "Phil will be able to be around so much more now … we've talked about it a lot, and what I'm going to do is trade off on the away games, half the time with you, half the time with him."

I could just imagine the irate response that Bella would give much like she had given me in the beginning. Bella could hold her own when she needed to, but I couldn't help but wonder if that would also be the case with her mother.

"Mom." Bella paused as if this one word with the tone would stop Renée's thought processes. "I _want_ to live in Forks. I'm already settled in at school, and I have a couple of girlfriends, and Charlie needs me. He's just all alone up there, and he can't cook _at all_."

Bella's insistence that we change plans to keep him safe had already told me that he meant a lot to her, but this was something more. Renée had Phil, so she didn't need Bella anymore. Charlie did. It was that simple for Bella. I was glad that Bella would have a reason to stay in Forks when we moved away.

"You want to stay in Forks? Why?" Renée sounded dubious and confused. She tried to picture Bella happy in Forks, but couldn't.

"I told you–school, Charlie–ouch!"

I opened my eyes again. Bella looked no worse than before, so I shut my eyes once more. Perhaps she was complaining about the IV again.

"Bella, honey, you hate Forks." Renée's tone was a mixture of being matter-of-fact and disbelief. Images of Forks ran through her mind.

"It's not so bad," Bella replied subdued, as if she was embarrassed.

After 32.7 seconds of Renée's mind being completely blank she turned her face placing her eyes on me, then she asked Bella, "Is it this boy?"

"He's part of it," she said slowly as if she was admitting a crime. "So, have you had a chance to talk with Edward?"

"Yes." Renée paused. "And I want to talk to you about that."

Images of me ran through her head. She was much more observant than I had given her credit for.

"What about?" Bella hedged.

I peeked through my eyelashes at Bella. Her face was still, but her eyes looked like a cornered mouse ready to spring. So much of this conversation was confusing to me. It was nothing like Esme and Rosalie or Esme and Alice. There was so much going on and without being able to read Bella's mind, I felt lost.

"I think that boy is in love with you," Renée whispered conspiratorially.

Of all the things that had crossed my mind that Renée might say, that wasn't one of them. Her statement did clue me into the face that I hadn't been as adept at hiding my sentiment as I had thought.

"I think so, too." Bella's voice was full of warmth and joy like this was the best news ever.

I kept thinking about what Carlisle had said. It was her life. She got to choose how she lived it. At the same time, I was in the process of becoming _that_ Edward. If she wanted to remain friends how long would it be until something else threatened to hurt her? I couldn't bear to go through those moments again of when Alice's gift had shown Bella dead by James' hand in a myriad of ways. The chance that I might be placed in a similar precarious powerless position terrified me. Was this love? To be at the guillotine and your love is holding the lever? My only options were to listen to Carlisle's advice thereby submitting myself to this arrangement or to force things on my terms by leaving.

"And how do you feel about him?" Renée asked as if this was the most important information ever conceived.

Bella sighed and said nothing for a few minutes. Then she admitted, "I'm pretty crazy about him."

Crazy enough to die. Crazy enough to risk her life. This statement also gave me a sense of relief. It was infatuation or a crush as Billy had named she was feeling. I didn't want to imagine where we would stand if she loved me anything like how I loved her.

"Well, he _seems_ very nice, and my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella …"

Images of her and Charlie in high school and then in those first years flittered through her mind.

"I know that, Mom. Don't worry about it. It's just a crush." With each sentence her voiced change from resignation to insistence.

And just like that I was simultaneously pleased and devastated. I wanted Bella to be safe and she was safest away from me. At the same time, there had been the smallest part of myself, a very selfish part, that had hoped to be loved by her.

"That's right," Renée answered with a tone of relief.

Renée's body shifted.

"Do you need to go?" Bella asked.

How Bella could think to ask that question just from Renée's movement was baffling. It didn't seem like they went together.

"Phil's supposed to call in a little while …" Renée trailed off. "I didn't know you were going to wake up …"

Surprisingly Bella's question had been on target. Was this how Bella had become too observant? She had learned to be attuned to what other's needed without them needing to communicate it? I found myself growing in irritation. What about Bella? When were her needs noticed and taken care of? Well I noticed her needs and more than anything she needed to be rid of me.

"No problem, Mom," Bella said assuredly. "I won't be alone." Her tone was soothing and reassuring like Esme at times. Bella would make a great mom.

I had known from Bella's stories that she was the caregiver of her mother, but to watch in action as Bella reassured and comforted her mother from her hospital bed irritated me beyond what I had felt a moment before.

"I'll be back soon," Renée stated as if she were the teenager talking to her mother. "I've been sleeping here, you know," she added proudly.

"Oh, Mom, you didn't have to do that!" Bella insisted seemingly appalled. "You can sleep at home–I'll never notice."

I tried to imagine if us Cullens were human what Carlisle's or Esme's response would be. They would possibly have a tone of ridiculous indignation that we would suggest such a thing, and then a reassurance that they wouldn't have wanted to be apart from us.

"I was too nervous. There's been some crime in the neighbourhood, and I don't like being there alone."

Her words drew me out of my fantasy. I searched Renée's thoughts attempting to determine which it was. She was genuinely worried and concerned about Bella, she was proud of staying with her, but she was also apprehensive of being in the house by herself. I could see how Bella could describe Renée as her best-friend. Renée's thoughts were more similar to an older teenager's than Bella had ever acted. I was glad for Bella's sake that Renée was such a good friend, but I couldn't help but wish that Bella had been blessed with a mother like mine, either of them.

"Crime?" Bella asked confused with a hint of trepidation like she knew Renée was talking about what happened as a result of James.

For Bella's sake, I wished Renée would drop it.

"Someone broke into that dance studio around the corner from the house and burned it to the ground–there's nothing left at all! And they left a stolen car right out front." Renée's tone was disbelief and fear, then her thoughts suddenly moved to Bella in a ballerina outfit. "Do you remember when you used to dance there, honey?"

I grimaced wondering what Bella would think of our crime spree if she had such a strong reaction to breaking the speed limit.

"I remember." Bella's voice was strained now full of darkness.

I suspected Bella's tone indicated that she was remembering James not ballet. I had done that. I had brought darkness into her life. What a wretched creature I was indeed.

"I can stay, baby, if you need me." Renée was confused by Bella's reaction and was genuinely concerned.

"No, Mom, I'll be fine. Edward will be with me." Bella had gone back to that motherly reassuring tone.

"I'll be back tonight," Renée confirmed.

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you, too, Bella. Try to be more careful when you walk, honey, I don't want to lose you."

I tried, but failed to hold in my grin. Even her mother thought she was a danger magnet, but in the smallest of ways–walking.

Someone new came in, a nurse that had worked this floor occasionally by her thoughts, and check on Bella. She was fairly professional with only the slightest thoughts about my looks.

"Are you feeling anxious, honey? Your heart rate got a little high there."

"I'm fine," Bella answered embarrassment clouding the words.

"I'll tell your RN that you're awake. She'll be in to see you in a minute," the nurse told Bella.

As soon as the door closed I was by Bella's side.

"You stole a car?" she raised her eyebrows at me.

I smiled at remembering how it handled. "It was a good car, very fast."

Not fast enough to stop James my mind added while my smile faded.

"How was your nap?" she asked teasingly with a hint of weariness.

"Interesting," I replied as it ran through my head. My eyes narrowed remembering what she had said.

"What?" she asked hesitantly.

I looked down at the bed. "I'm surprised. I thought Florida ... and your mother … well, I thought that's what you would want."

I felt like an idiot stuttering like that. Only Bella got me all twisted up.

She looked bewildered.

Her bewilderment confused me.

She started speaking slower than normal as if she was trying out each word. "But you'd be stuck inside all day in Florida. You'd only be able to come out at night, just like a real vampire."

A part of me was delighted verging on ecstatic at the thought that Bella had assumed I would go with her and was rejecting the offer because of the challenges it would place on me. Then the reality of what that meant hit me. She was giving up the sun and warmth because of her attraction to me. It was if I was already condemning her. She would return to the cold and wet, two things she didn't like to be near me even though she had given me her no. No, no, no, that was all wrong. This must be quite the crush. Was this how human girls responded to crushes? The only reasonable explanation was that it was my fault. Never had my lure caused such harm.

"I would stay in Forks, Bella. Or somewhere like it. Someplace where I couldn't hurt you anymore."

Billy had tried to reason with her. I had tried. She had seen some sense when she had told her father that she had broken up with me. But it obviously wasn't enough reason if she wanted to remain friends. I waited for those words to penetrate Bella's brain because her first reaction was confusion. Just as I could see the confusion fading and I was about to go on, her heart accelerated, adrenaline was slowly seeping into her bloodstream, and she started hyperventilating. The pain on her face was palatable. How I wish I knew what she was thinking! Certainly my simple explanation of facts hadn't caused this severe reaction, but I couldn't find the trigger.

A different nurse than prior came into the room. This one was slightly less professional and more lewd with her thoughts regarding me, but I had heard much worse. I sat watching Bella intently.

"Time for more pain meds, sweetheart?" the nurse asked.

Bella's face contorted in pain as I watched her try to hide it.

"No, no," Bella mumbled her voice tinged with agony. "I don't need anything."

Of course not. She was always fine. Even after everything that happened she still wasn't asking for help when she needed it.

"No need to be brave, honey. It's better if you don't get too stressed out; you need to rest." The nurse looked at Bella. _Silly, girl. I hope he's not causing problems because I'd hate to kick him out of her room._ Bella just shook her head.

"Okay." She sighed. "Hit the call button when you're ready."

She looked at me sternly, glanced at the machine anxiously, and then walked out. The whole time I was valiantly trying to understand what had caused Bella's reaction.

I took my hands and placed them on either side of her face. Her eyes were wide and scared like a deer caught in headlights.

"Shhh, Bella, calm down," I begged her.

I needed her to calm down for both our sakes. Her reaction was making the temptation to have more of her so much stronger. My body began remembering her taste, the feeling of her blood caressing my throat as it entered me, and filling me with strength beyond what I would have imagined for the quantity I took.

"Don't leave me," she begged her voice breaking.

Was this really the cause? Her reaction was due to the thought of me leaving her? The remnant of her fear of James must be very high. She must be afraid that he would come get her. It was the only reasonable explanation for her response. I ran through what I thought she needed to hear to calm down. Calming her had to be my first priority.

"I won't." I would keep her safe. "Now relax before I call the nurse back to sedate you."

I didn't want to have to threaten her, but wasn't sure how much of the smells filling the room I could take.

Her heart kept its frantic pace. I decided to try one more time to calm her.

"Bella." I stroked her face hoping that my touch would stop her body's reaction and create a different one. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here as long as you need me." I am here to protect you.

She had said no to me, but that didn't mean I couldn't stay in the shadows watching her keeping her safe, protecting her, ensure that she stayed human. These past few days as I had waited for Bella to wake up, I still had yet to determine how much of a threat Victoria was. She might as easily gone her own way and leave us alone. It depended on the bond she had with James and nothing in hers or James' thoughts gave me insight into that. I couldn't live with myself, if after all of this, Victoria came to collect what James' had wanted. Perhaps Jasper would know.

Then there was the plan to relocate as I had told Carlisle. We could move to Montana or something. Close enough that if Alice saw something regarding Victoria we could thwart it except Alice had a hard time seeing Victoria's future. My conclusion was the same as before: if Victoria did end up wanting retribution she would come after my family and Bella would be safer if we put some distance between us and her for her safety.

"Do you swear you won't leave me?" she whispered gasping slightly.

I put both hands back on either side of her face and brought my face close to hers. "I swear." I'm not leaving till you're safely home in Charlie's care. And I will convince you that you no longer have anything to fear. The only threat remaining is me.

As I kept holding her, her heart calmed and my contacts dissolved. I hoped that the blood in them wasn't too visible.

"Better?" I asked as confirmation.

I listened carefully to her and watched her closely.

"Yes," she answered cautiously.

I shook my head and muttered in rapid speed about how utterly irritating this particular human trait–denial–in Bella was, how I didn't know how to keep someone safe if she ran towards the danger instead of away, and what an overreaction to me leaving she had, as if I would leave her in harms way. She certainly had not acted like this when she came up with the plan to trick James.

"Why did you say that?" she whispered. "Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you _want_ me to go away?"

Had she caught some of what I had said? If she had she had misunderstood. Ugh! Why did she always have to ask the most difficult of questions?

"No, I don't want to be without you, Bella, of course not. Be rational." I don't know how to be without you. Every moment away from you was painful. I am selfish like that, but I am not good for you. I put you in danger. And you said no. I am working on gaining the strength to leave again. "And I have no problem with saving you, either–if it weren't for the fact that I was the one putting you in danger … that I'm the reason you're here."

Images of Bella broken and bleeding on the floor filled my mind followed with the taste of her. I pushed the memories away as soon as I could.

"Yes, you are the reason." She frowned. "The reason I'm here– _alive_."

Perhaps, but I wasn't quick enough to stop him.

"Barely," I breathed. "Covered in gauze and plaster and hardly able to move." In that moment I wondered if my guilt and grief would completely overtake me.

"I wasn't referring to my most recent near-death experience." She was beginning to sound irritated. "I was thinking of the others–you can take your pick. If it weren't for you, I would be rotting away in the Forks cemetery."

I winced. Once again she was missing the most crucial element. Stopping the van and protecting her from that scum didn't make up for that first day in Biology. It seemed only gentlemanly after what I had done. She was once again not focusing on the dozens of times I almost killed her.

"That's not the worst part, though," I continued in a whisper. "Not seeing you there on the floor … crumpled and broken." My voice started breaking. "Not thinking I was too late. Not even hearing you scream in pain–all those unbearable memories that I'll carry with me for the rest of eternity. No, the very worst was feeling … knowing that I couldn't stop. Believing that I was going to kill you myself."

I once again had to push the memory aside. The monster wanted to taste her again. It began to devise ways to bleed her without draining her. Making it last longer. A cut here, a pint there. She wouldn't miss it, right? Right? It asked.

"But you didn't," was her retort.

No, I didn't. But that was not the point. "I could have. So easily." Of all the near misses that I had avoided nothing had come closer.

Her lungs started having a difficult time again.

"Promise me," she whispered.

No. I couldn't. She didn't know what she was asking. No.

"What?" I asked feigning ignorance.

"You know what." Her face had that tiger-kitten look to it again.

No. I couldn't promise that. One day my love would cost her too much. She had already said no to me. One day my presence would kill her. No. I couldn't promise what she wanted. She had said no. I wasn't going to be the one to rejoin us. No. Yet, I needed to calm her. How to speak truth then?

"I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you," I began, "so I suppose that you'll get your way … whether it kills you or not." But I'm not going to stop trying to become strong enough cause I am determined for you to remain alive and living a human life. My very foundation of my self is now too wrapped up in you, Bella.

"Good. You told me how you stopped … now I want to know why."

I was glad my claim placated her until I understood the implication of her statement. Good? It was good that her being with me might kill her? It reminded me of something she had said in the meadow. Her affection for me was so much that she was willing to risk her life to be with me. I had believed that she had no self-preservation, but she had fled James. How could I get her to tap into that, the part of her that wanted to _live_? In my musing I realized that I didn't understand her question.

"Why?" I repeated back to her.

" _Why_ you did it. Why didn't you just let the venom spread? By now I would be just like you."

Before I could answer, because you asked me to stop the burning, the weight of her words hit me. It was if my worst fear had been realized. Sitting in front of me was my angel, the most incredible person I had ever encountered who was admitting to being one of those monster chasers. She wanted to become a killer. Immediately my mind rejected the thought. No. The last sentence said it all. She didn't want to become a monster her infatuation was fuelling her to want me. It was a sick and twisted version of a teenage crush, but the pieces fit. Alice, I seethed internally. I had told her to keep her opinions to herself. Why had she explained this to Bella? Now we were having the exact conversation I had hoped to avoid.

"I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships," Bella continued. "But it just seems logical … a man and woman have to be somewhat equal … as in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other _equally._ "

I folded my arms on the side of her bed and rested my chin on my arms. She didn't understand things _at all_.

"You _have_ saved me," I whispered in a confessional manner. You have irreparably changed me. You have given me the sun while I have done nothing put pull you into the shadows.

"I can't always be Lois Lane. I want to be Superman, too."

Ugh! This again. This is what I get for saving you. You think I'm a hero, but I'm not. I am a villain, Bella.

"You don't know what you're asking," I explained softly gazing at the edge of the pillowcase. You don't understand the burn. You don't understand the desire to hunt humans. You see me as human because I'm good at the façade, but this is not the truth of who I am, who my family is.

"I think I do."

Rosalie resented what she was and tolerated her nature because it gave her Emmett. I could never condemn anyone to that.

"Bella, you _don't_ know. I've had almost ninety years to think about this, and I'm still not sure." I tried to keep the anguish from my voice.

This was a circular conversation that I had with myself for decades with no conclusion.

"Do you wish that Carlisle hadn't saved you?"

I paused briefly considering if my feelings on this topic had changed.

"No, I don't wish that." I gathered my thoughts. "But my life was over. I wasn't giving anything up." You would be. You would be giving up having a child, a family, growing old, being human.

Even the thought of Bella having to give that up was as if someone had cracked my chest open while there was a small part of myself greedily anticipating the prospect of having her forever.

"You _are_ my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose."

If she were already a vampire those words would have told me that she was my mate, but she wasn't. She had made me–a murderer and villain–the centre of her crush. She was a human with a crush, just like she had told her mom, a strong crush by the sounds of it, but even Billy's thoughts had indicated how overwhelming and powerful a first crush felt to a young woman. Eventually the crush would end and she would move on. Thank goodness she had come to her senses and realized that I wasn't good for her.

"I can't do it, Bella. I won't do that to you." My words were fervent and pained. She's offering herself to you, the monster cried. Take it.

Since the first time her scent had overwhelmed me the monster wanted her. It wanted her blood in me, it wanted my venom in her, and, if I was completely honest, it wanted to claim her as if she were an object. I had fought it all those times, and I would again. It couldn't have her.

"Why not?" Her voice broke. "Don't tell me it's too hard! After today or I guess it was a few days ago … anyway, after _that_ , it should be nothing."

Should? Her faith in my abilities was astounding, but the honest truth was that I didn't know how I stopped. I had replayed that memory so many times as Bella lay here in the gurney and I still had no answer. What was to say I would be able to stop again? I was just as likely to kill her.

I glared at her. It sounded oddly similar to Carlisle's thought on the matter. But it wasn't so much about the mechanics, although it was a concern. It was more than that. I couldn't condemn her to the shadows. I couldn't take her soul and chance of an afterlife. I was selfish, but not to that degree. But those were not the conversations I wanted to have with Bella today. Instead I choose a different tactic.

"And the pain?"

She blanched. After a few moments of collecting herself she answered. "That's my problem. I can handle it." But she was remembering the burning. She was brave and wanting to face it bravely, but the burning was not something to be forgotten.

"It's possible to take bravery to the point where it becomes insanity," I told her. Like allowing a sadistic vampire to bait her into being in the same room with him.

"It's not an issue. Three days. Big deal."

I grimaced. Alice was going to get it. I needed to find an avenue to explain to Bella, to have her see what I was trying to show her. She was young. She did not yet fully understand the consequences of her words. But I did. I was frozen at seventeen while my friends got married, had children, then grandchildren, and then died. None of us Cullens gave up family because we were all on the brink of death or like Alice and Jasper already turned. No, this was totally different. We would have to stage Bella's death, and then she would have to watch the pain she had imposed on her loved ones. This was not the same at all.

"Charlie? Renée?" I asked curtly.

Minutes passed in silence. I hoped that I had gotten through to her; although, as her face changed and emotions rippled, I began to lose hope of her seeing reason.

"Look, that's not an issue either," she finally muttered. "Renée has always made the choices that work for her–she'd want me to do the same. And Charlie's resilient, he's used to being on his own. I can't take care of them forever. I have my own life to live."

She would one day, but right now she was a teenager. The modern human brain didn't stop developing until about thirty. Carlisle had been middle aged in his era and Esme a fully developed woman, but the rest of us were stuck in that stage before adulthood. Bella had no idea what she was asking even without her soul coming into it. However, confronting her seemed pointless, so I seized the last point she had made instead.

"Exactly. And I won't end it for you."

I was stubborn. Her being alive and not dead was testament to that. I hadn't killed her yet and I wouldn't in the future.

"If you're waiting for me to be on my deathbed, I've got news for you! I was just there!" she snarled.

Which was my entire fault. She would have never been so close to death if it hadn't been for me. I was a curse on her life.

"You're going to recover," I said out loud more for my benefit than for hers. And then you will live. You will have the ability to have a life. That's what I want for you, my dear Bella. It's what you deserve: to have a happy, joyful, human life.

She took a deep breath and stared at me.

I stared back.

"No," she said slowly. "I'm not."

My forehead creased as I tried to work out what Bella was on about. After a while I gave up. "Of course you are," I argued. "You may have a scar or two …" and left the rest of my thought unsaid.

"You're wrong," she insisted. "I'm going to die."

She was frightening me, but I dared not show it. "Really, Bella," I replied with a touch of condescending. I didn't like where this conversation was going. I anxiously wondered if she had a death wish and was planning on offing herself. "You'll be out of here in a few days. Two week at most."

Did she doubt Carlisle's medical training and experience?

She glared at me. "I may not die now … but I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get _old._ "

I frowned understanding what she was getting at. I pressed my fingers into my temples and closed my eyes. This woman was incorrigible. She was trying to use the natural course of her life against me.

"That's how it's supposed to happen," I argued through clenched teeth. "How it should happen. How it would have happened if I didn't exist–and _I shouldn't_ exist."

I was so consumed with my own self-loathing that I failed to pay attention to Bella until I heard her snort. I looked at her surprised feeling baffled.

"That's stupid. That's like going to someone who's just won the lottery, taking their money, and saying, 'Look, let's just go back to how things should be. It's better that way.' And I'm not buying it."

She thought vampirism was a prize? Something worth having? Internally I groaned. Like most young people infatuated with each other she saw me distorted. And I had worked hard to hide my true nature from her. Although it was flattering in a way, it was irritating me. Why she insisted on seeing me in this way was beyond me.

"I'm hardly a lottery prize," I growled.

I murdered and a monster cannot be a lottery prize. More frustrating though was that I didn't know how to show her otherwise.

"That's right. You're much better."

I rolled my eyes. She did not see me. She saw a very distorted image and I wasn't sure how to do as Carlisle had suggested and have an honest conversation about what she wanted.

"Bella, we're not having this discussion anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and that's the end of it."

I cringed as I heard my tone that more resembled a father than a friend. She just exasperated me so much! I simply wanted her to see reason.

"If you think that's the end, then you don't know me very well. You're not the only vampire I know."

Oh heavens above. She had found the weak point in my argument. I might not be willing, but that didn't mean she couldn't be changed.

"Alice wouldn't dare," I snarled.

Alice's vision of Bella with bright red eyes filled my mind and then Alice's disappointment when I had cleaned Bella's blood of James' venom.

Bella's eyes grew larger and a knowing settled in them. "Alice already saw it, didn't she? That's why the things she says upset you. She knows I'm going to be like you … someday."

Bella's capacity to be insightful was one of the things I loved about her, but right now it was making my venom drop by ten degrees. Of all the things I didn't want Bella to know, this was on the top of my list. Mostly because it wasn't true. It wasn't set in stone. Alice wanted it to happen because Alice wanted Bella to be her best-friend. The assurance Alice had in the vision wasn't about Bella. It was about what Alice wanted.

"She's wrong. She also saw you dead, but that didn't happen, either."

How many times had I thwarted Alice's visions concerning Bella now? I would thwart this one too. My sense of self and honour depended on it as much as Bella's future.

"You'll never catch _me_ betting against Alice."

We stared at each other for a long time. Nothing was set in stone, not even a vision as clear as Bella being my kind. Bella would recover, and I could continue to work on how to make Bella understand. Alice wasn't here right now. Carlisle had confirmed that this was between Bella and I. This wasn't a problem for today. To have Bella give up her request to be turned required her letting go of her crush for me or at least acknowledging that her feelings would fade.

"So where does that leave us?" Bella finally asked.

I thought about it. It doesn't leave us anywhere, actually.

I chuckled humourlessly. "I believe it's called an _impasse._ "

She sighed. "Ouch," she muttered.

"How are you feeling?" I looked at the button for the nurse.

"I'm fine," she lied.

"I don't believe you."

"I'm not going back to sleep," she argued.

"You need rest. All this arguing isn't good for you," I pointed out.

"So give in," she stated firmly.

"Nice try." I pressed the button for the nurse.

"No!"

I ignored her. This was just when she was on the concrete path and refused my aid. I would make sure she got what she needed, even if she wasn't willing. Bella had clearly demonstrated that she often didn't do what was in her best interests. I would have to step up and do what was best for her, no matter the cost to me.

"Yes?" the speaker on the wall squawked.

"I think we're ready for more pain medication," I explained calmly.

"I'll send in the nurse."

"I won't take it," she threatened.

I looked at the IV bag. They were doing what was best for Bella even though she didn't want it. "I don't think they're going to ask you to swallow anything."

Her heart rate started to climb, fear coloured her features and filled her eyes. I sighed in frustration. This wasn't helping.

"Bella, you're in pain. You need to relax so you can heal. Why are you being so difficult? They're not going to put any more needles in you now."

"I'm not afraid of the needles," she mumbled. "I'm afraid to close my eyes."

I smiled and took her face between my hands. "I told you I'm not going anywhere. Don't be afraid. As long as it makes you happy, I'll be here." In whatever capacity that she wanted me.

I will protect you, so that you can sleep restfully and heal. I had used all my strength to leave before and since her begging me to stay whatever resolve I had prior had dissipated. I would stay till she sent me away or I was able to gather the capacity to leave, whichever came first. Till then, I would look out for her the best I could.

She smiled back. "You're taking about forever, you know." Her tone was teasing, but there was assuredness there that I didn't know what to do with. She didn't have forever.

"Oh, you'll get over it–it's just a crush," I teased back hoping she would once again say no to me and send me away.

She shook her head. "I was shocked when Renée swallowed that one. I know _you_ know better."

What did that mean? Had she forgotten that I couldn't read her mind? She had said no to me when she left Forks, she had told her mother I was a crush, her parents had believed her, she wasn't a good liar, and Billy, the only human man I had paid attention to that had experience with teenaged girls had said she had a crush. What more evidence did I need? But I didn't want to argue again. It wasn't good for her healing.

"That's the beautiful thing about being human. Things change."

Her eyes narrowed angrily. "Don't hold your breath."

Was she disagreeing with me? It was the best part of being human. Things change. Then her retort caught up with me. I laughed at the irony at her statement.

The nurse came in with a syringe.

"Excuse me," she said brusquely to me.

I could tell from the tenor of her thoughts that her brusqueness was a combination of her belief that I was upsetting Bella and her own attraction to me that she was embarrassed about. I got up and crossed to the end of the small room and lent against the wall hoping the distance would help both Bella and the nurse. I folded my arms and waited. Bella watched me carefully apprehension in her eyes.

"Here you go, honey. You'll feel better now."

"Thanks," Bella replied defeated.

"That ought to do it," the nurse declared and then left.

I came back to Bella and put her face between my hands again.

"Stay," Bella insisted slurring.

We were back to this again. Back to her fear that James would come and get her.

"I will. Like I said, as long as it makes you happy … as long as it's what's best for you." There. That was the truth of things. This was never meant to last.

Her head moved slightly. "'S not the same thing."

I laughed at her stubbornness. "Don't worry about that now, Bella. You can argue with me when you wake up."

She slightly smiled. "'Kay."

I pressed my lips to her ear knowing her mother was near again. "I love you."

"Me, too."

"I know," I laughed quietly.

Her attraction to me was as obvious as it was unhealthy; she had admitted as much to her father.

She turned her head slightly her eyes searching for me.

I did as she had requested and pressed my lips upon hers gently. As I did, I reminded myself that this was the gift I received from stopping. It was more than worth it.

"Thanks." She sighed.

"Anytime."

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I'm betting on Alice."

I grimaced.

The future had never before looked so uncertain. In any other case I would have gone to Alice and seen what her gift foretold, but this time that wasn't an option. I had a steep climb in front of me. Somehow I needed to keep Bella safe and human while finding the will to leave. Would something else happen to Bella? I hoped not, but a knot settled in my core. Betting against Alice was never a good idea.


	57. Epilogue: Glad My Family Is Odd

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. The dialogue that comes from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun remains hers.**

 **The reference to events in 1950 is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction.**

* * *

I stayed at Bella's side holding her hand thinking about how even this small action would have been scandalous in my era until I could hear Renée's thoughts growing nearer. I timed things so that I came out of the restroom less than a minute after she entered the room and had settled in next to Bella. I explained what the nurse had given Bella and settled down into my chair, pretended to read, and thought about everything that had changed since Bella had come into my life. Without doubt, I was not the same. She had irrefutably changed me. Second to hunting scum she had been the most alteration in my life since Carlisle had sired me. It would have been best for Bella if we hadn't gone to the meadow and I hadn't discovered that I loved her, but selfishly it had been one of the best days of my existence.

Bella had changed the core of how I saw myself and had given me the strength to work towards becoming _that_ Edward. As I reflected over the conversation Bella and I had just finished I realised that my epiphany had been added as a new cornerstone. Bella staying safe and human had been shaken, but Carlisle's and Esme's love was unwavering despite my unworthiness. How had I never seen that before? All those years ago Carlisle's thoughts had indicated that he saw me as a son, and although I had liked the idea, the pain of losing my parents had been fresh. There had been few moments in our relationship when he had been truly parental, but I had struggled through the years embracing him as a father perhaps in part because I wished to be treated as a grown man. Yet, somehow this epiphany allowed me to understand that him becoming my father in the human sense of that word did not mean I was a child. Rather it meant he would always be there, always love me, always support me, and always forgive me. The concept was staggering.

This epiphany changed how I saw him as well as Esme. He would always be my sire. And she would always be the mate of my sire, but for the first time I saw them as parents. No longer was it a role and a sign of respect for their place within our group, but something more. They had adopted me no less thoroughly than if the three of us had been human. They loved me unconditionally in a way that only parents could, they looked out for me, and wanted only the best for me. I doubted that I would suddenly always agree with them, but Carlisle's words to me about Bella sounded different with my epiphany. In the end of the day he wanted what was best for me, and I wanted Bella human, thus he would respect my wishes. Sure he respected human life, was a doctor, and had sworn he wouldn't change anyone again, but it was more than that. From this vantage point I could see that.

Carlisle had changed Emmett on Rosalie's request. He saw himself as her father; he loved her as if she were her daughter; and he could not deny her in that moment a chance at happiness. If I asked him, he would do the same for me. As strong as his morals were and his respect for life, he loved me more. All this time I had assumed that he held most tightly to his beliefs. More of what Jasper had tried to convey in 1950 made sense. Carlisle's thoughts were not the window into what ultimately drove him, his feelings were. He loved me and had loved me since he chose to change me. This awareness created a shift within me that was like stepping out of a cave. Before Bella I had seen Carlisle as my sire and leader. But since her arrival I had seen the price he paid, the laughter he hid away, and his own doubts. Suddenly everything looked different. And I had Bella to thank for all of it.

I had not killed Bella when the monster wanted to. When I stopped drinking from Bella I had shown that I was, at least in some small way, more than his creation, I was his prodigy. I had risen to the commitment I had made to myself to be _that_ Edward. I still didn't know how I did it. Perhaps he never knew how he was able to resist the call of blood. None of that mattered. What mattered was that he did. That I had. I had proven that I could be _that_ Edward. I was remade and there was no going back. Added to that gift, through these months, I had come to see each of my siblings as well as Carlisle and Esme in a different light and believed that I understood them in a way that I hadn't before Bella. These shifts in how I saw each of them changed how I related to them.

I don't think I would ever be the pacifist Carlisle was, but Bella had changed my view of humans. I had kissed one. I was conversing and spending time with her mother. I had been trying to win over Charlie. Bella had allowed me to become more like Carlisle than I had ever hoped possible. I was yet to be as compassionate as my father, but I was more compassionate than I had been before Bella both to my family members and to humans. In many ways he exceeded me immensely, but I would never be him.

Perhaps it was time to set aside my desire to become a reflection of him and instead live up to his standards by focusing on being _that_ Edward. It had been a reasonable desire. I had wanted him to see himself in me and be proud. Making him proud was still within the goal of being _that_ Edward as was keeping Bella human as he had done with Esme. He had given me the out by letting me know that my path didn't have to be the one he had travelled. His love of me would want me to be happy, which was why he gave me the out. Despite his words I was confident that he would be prouder of me if I were able to follow in his footsteps. Perhaps, one day, I could even get past medical school and finish residency. Maybe one day I could make him really proud. Maybe one day we could work side by side as father and son. Edward Senior had wanted me to follow in his footsteps, that much I remembered. I, on the other hand, had wanted to join the war effort. The idea that I would work beside my father, my vampire father rather than my human one, brought a smile to my lips.

Next my mind thought of sweet Esme. Bella's presence had caused us to grow closer. I had played music again much to Esme's joy. Over and over these past months Esme had been proud of me. I had made her happier. Her motherly love hadn't felt stifling as it had in the past. In addition, I had begun to understand my brother's as well as Carlisle's attachment to their spouses better. The moment when the five us had stood around Charlie's house came to mind. I had always heard their increased thoughts of the other after they had time spent apart from their spouses, but for the first time I had understood that signalled their need to reassure themselves that the other was well. I understood Jasper's need to protect Alice under any circumstances in a way that I hadn't before. Murder, mayhem, and even his own pain were things he would willingly pay to keep Alice safe. I could no longer fault him his devotion and potential sacrifice. I even better understood Emmett's need to physically be in front of the danger presented to Rosalie and his need to physically ensure her well-being as well as Rosalie's fears of threat to the family. Naturally my change in understanding them had changed how I interacted with them, which was why at Charlie's I had offered for them to have time with each other. Before I might have offered such a thing just to quiet their thoughts, but this time it had been more. I had offered out of compassion and care for their needs.

We had been irrevocably changed. Our family would never be the same. At the same time Bella also had changed each of them. Carlisle had laughed like he hadn't in decades; Esme was glowing, happier, and had put herself at risk without question to protect Bella; Alice had made friends with a human; Jasper had been in a room with flowing blood and not gone for it; Emmett had acquired a little fragile sister in his book; and Rosalie had done her part to help protect a human. Even these changes spoke to our oddness. How we each individually as well as collectively had handled these few months were a testament to that.

As I reflected over each table conference, each conversation, and each event with Bella our oddity seemed even starker. James' and Laurent's assumptions had highlighted that even more. It would make more sense in a traditional vampire coven that Jasper would be our leader. Certainly he was the most experienced fighter and with Alice they were a formidable team. Carlisle's leadership puzzled most vampires including Peter and Charlotte. They could not understand how he managed to lead us. The idea that we would submit to his leadership willingly out of trust and love was foreign to those apart from the Denalis. Truthfully, in a formidable world where survival required strength and intimidation Carlisle's way simply didn't make sense. The fact that we could have a human in our midst and not fight for her blood was difficult enough for them to understand, but to have us enter the ballet studio with Bella's blood flowing and us each do what we did demonstrated why we beat James. Ultimately it wasn't our gifts or even our numbers. We beat him because he could not understand us; his miscalculations led to his downfall.

If our family was odd and Carlisle being a doctor and our leader as incredibly odd, then me loving Bella took it all. After my years of hunting scum I had come back a more a normal vampire than I had left. I had submitted myself to Carlisle's leadership upon my return, but for all those decades since I had resented much of what made us odd. Today though I couldn't help but wonder if the beautiful angel sleeping in this room with me with her mother next to her wasn't made possible because those same things that I had resented. They had caused James to underestimate us. It had caused us to be able to save her.

I had erred and her even being in that situation was my fault, but any victory that could be claimed came from our oddities. It was a profound thought. I found myself being filled with an incredible amount of gratitude not just for Carlisle being my sire and creating a different way of being in our world, but also for all of my family and how we had functioned as a team. No small amount was due to my sentiments for Bella and how she had changed me. Without even meaning to, Bella had strengthened the bonds between my family and I, made me stronger, and thus had made us as a unit stronger. This in itself was a precious gift, but she had given me so much more.

I thought back to the day when I had realized that I was jealous. The first option I had considered Bella had discarded when she had said yes. Although she had changed her mind and had said no regarding a future relationship with me to Charlie, the conversation we just had implied that she wasn't ready to let me go completely. Once again she had said yes to me when she would have been better off saying no. How many more times would I be willing for her to say yes at the risk of her own life? Yet, even the thought of leaving this room hurt. I was tied to her and although she was not my kind, so she could not possibly be tied to me in the same way, she kept saying yes. Her fear that I might leave was tangible. Certainly that fear was residual from her encounter with James and would wear off over time allowing her to behave more rationally and come to the same conclusion she had told Charlie. There was a small chance, however, I thought sadly, that her desire to keep me around was something more than me. Perhaps, her questions about why I had stopped her changing indicated that like some other humans she desired to be in the shadow. That conclusion seemed in opposition to all that I knew about Bella, but she often confounded me. How was I to know for sure? There was no clear answer and I was too much of a coward to ask.

The second option, that she returned my affection, was what Bella kept confessing. Even when she had said no it had contained a confession of her affection for me. What was clear was that when her future had been at risk she had comprehend that I wasn't good for her. Unfortunately, her residual fear combined with her trust in me was demanding that she keep me close. What would that mean for our future? Perhaps we could be friends? I wasn't sure how to be around Bella without wanting to hold her hand and press my lips upon hers and that was certainly more than friends. So where did that leave us? Nothing that existed in my era could name this space, but perhaps it did in Bella's. Casually dating was a term that I had heard in the last decade or so. I had never understood it, but perhaps it articulated what we were. We were more than friends, but both knowing that there was no future us. The part of me raised by Elizabeth Masen wanted to reject such a scandalous idea, but I had no better alternatives. A different part of me was sad at the prospect of not having Bella in my life forever, but since that wasn't an option, the only thing I could do was enjoy the moments given to me until she sent me away or I regained the strength to leave.

The third option, me leaving, seemed possible as it had not been before. Obviously by Bella's reaction, that was not her first choice, but Bella had shown that she often made choices that were not in her best interests since she had lay ghostly on the concrete sick from the smell of blood. Her going to the studio without consulting Alice and Jasper was conclusive proof that she could not be trusted to do what was in her own best interests. Could I love her enough to do what _was_ in her best interest even if it hurt me? Yes. I had shown that I could do that. I had no reason to leave her right now. She wasn't safe yet, after all. But I would prepare to gird my loins in case, one day, it was the right thing to do. And if that day came I would love her enough to do what was in her best interests–to not allow her unadulterated self-sacrificing nature to destroy her as it almost did with James. I would protect her, even from herself if needed. In the mean time I would hope that nothing else untoward would happen before Bella and I went our separate ways.

Bella had shown me that I was stronger than I had thought I was. For now we would stay at an impasse, but I would prepare myself for the day where I might need to find the strength to walk away without her request to do so. No matter what the future might hold, she had given me unimaginatively precious gifts. Apart from how she changed me, changed my family, and how I saw my family Bella had also given me a chance to redeem my past, a chance to change, and the chance to truly become the gentleman my first mother always hoped I would be.

I began to ponder what I could do for Bella to thank her for all that she had given me given our new status. More than anything I didn't want to make sure my presence did hold her back from experiencing all that being human had to offer her. After a while of considering possibilities the prom came to mind.

Right then Alice texted.

She's going to resist, so you should make it a surprise, but in the end she's going to love it. It's going to be so much fun.

I considered that. It didn't surprise me anymore that Bella would resist. She didn't like attention and she would still be in her cast. I decided to ask Alice about the cast.

Won't be a problem. I'll make sure to get the right dress and shoe so there will be no issue. Only a few seconds had passed.

The fact that our means of silently communicating worked over this distance brought a smile to my face.

My smile widened as I became fully aware that Alice would do a wonderful job. My whole body filled with the fire of desire at the thought of seeing Bella in a pretty dress. She would be magnificent to behold. Yes. Yes, I would give her this. I would accompany her, make sure she had a good time, would keep her safe from falling, and deny my desire. This was my way forward for the time being and a gift I could give her. Perhaps too after that Bella would feel calm enough to send me away.

Thoughts of the prom led me to reflect on where Alice and I stood on the issue of Bella. Alice and I wanted different things. Alice was determined Bella become a Cullen. I was determined that she remained human. Undoubtedly Alice could see my decision to leave Bella once she was safe and I could count on Alice to attempt to thwart my decision. Ironically Alice and I were also at an impasse. But not even this could shake the bonds between Alice and I. We had disagreed in the past. We were bound to do so every now and then. After 55 years together it was predictable. But for the immediate future, one in which Bella and I attended the prom, well, for that at least, I would bet on Alice.

The far future seemed less certain that it ever had, but for the first time I had hope. Perhaps my interactions with Bella would redeem my past enough that one day I would be blessed with a mate–someone meant for me who would become my spouse and stand by me as I had watched my family do for their spouses. I could no longer deny that I wanted that even if I didn't deserve it. Such a thing had seemed like an impossibility ever since I had been burdened by the cost I paid for hunting scum. This ray of hope seemed undeserving, but my father kept reminding me that we were always unworthy of the love given to us. For the moment I would keep Bella safe and enjoy the time I had left with her.

* * *

 _A/N: I want to take a moment to thank each and everyone of you for reading my version of Edward's pov. I especially want to thank Jessica314, kiwihipp, and EdwardsMate4eve for their continued feedback and support. I am incredibly grateful for the wonderful stories here on FanFiction that have inspired me and the generosity of staringatthesky, Miki In Blue Jeans, and Jessica314 in using their writings to improve mine._

 _I have been asked what's next for me. I will begin next week posting a story told in four pov: Alice, Edward, Jacob, and Bella. Each pov will be a chapter and it will rotate in the order listed. The story, The Day That Changed Everything, keeps the characters as I've developed them here, but will explore what would happen if Bella never made it to Jacob's house after the newborn war._

 _I have a few outtakes and dribbles that have been requested or suggested, none of which I've started, so when they will manifest is anyone's guess. I also have some ideas for other stories I'm considering, but have yet to be fully inspired._

 _A few have asked if I will continue the other books in Edward's pov. I have no plans to do so in the future. However, if you would like to continue reading the saga from Edward's pov_ _Haemophilus Leona has completed New Moon and is in the process of posting Eclipse. Her themes are slightly different than My Family is Odd, but our interpretation of Edward is very similar. When you drop her a note make sure to tell her hello for me!_

 _Thank you again for the space and encouragement to improve myself as a writer. I hope you enjoyed the ride!_


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